STUPID GIRL o I knew a girl who was so stupid that.......... 1. she called me to get my phone number. 2.

she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said 'concentrate.' 3.she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind. 4.she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order. 5.she sent me a fax with a stamp on it. 6.she tried to drown a fish. 7.she thought a quarterback was a refund. 8.she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death. 9.she tripped over a cordless phone. 10.she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept. 11.she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store. 12.she studied for a blood test. 13.she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats. 14.when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved. 15.when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead. 16.when she took a friend to the airport and saw a sign that said 'Airport Left' she turned around and went home. o Akshay: Dad, which number is bigger, 1or 27? Dad: Of course, 27. Akshay: Good, Ive got 27th rank this year. o Patient: My eyesight is very poor. Carpenter: It certainly is. This is a carpenters shop. o Tina: My mom says nothing is impossible. Rohit: Has she ever tried to squeeze toothpaste back into its tube? o Passenger: whats the use of a train schedule, if the trains are always late? Engineer: Well sir, how would you know that they were late?

o (In a restaurant) Costumer: Waiter, theres a fly in my soup. Waiter: Dont worry, it wont drink much of your soup, sir. o A girl was yelling in the church after the chapel, Oh God! Please make Moscow the capital of China. Priest: Why must you pray so, my child? Girl: Because thats what I wrote in my exams. o A man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog. He asks the shopkeeper Does your dog bite? Shopkeeper: No. The man tries to pet the dog and it bites him. Ouch!! says the man. I thought you said your dog does not bite! Shopkeeper says Thats not my dog. o Teacher: I killed a person Convert this sentence into future tense. Student: The future tense is You will go to jail. One morning, a son asked his father Why are you making mommy breakfast? Is she sick? Father: No dear, its Mothers day. Oh, said the son is every other Day Fathers Day? What is alive and has only 1 foot? A leg. o When do giraffes have 8 feet? When there are two of them.
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America . MARIA: Here it is. TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ? CLASS: Maria. ____________________________________ TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables. __________________________________________ TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L' TEACHER: No, that's wrong

GLENN:

Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it..

(I Love this kid) ____________________________________________ TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? DONALD: H I J K L M N O. TEACHER: What are you talking about? DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O. __________________________________ TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty? GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are. _______________________________________ TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. ' MILLIE: I is.. TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.' MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.' ________________________________ TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him? LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.. ______________________________________ TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook. ______________________________ TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his? CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog. ___________________________________ TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? HAROLD: A teacher __________________________________ A well known person by name, Mr. Jeppier , Chairman of A university and other self financing colleges, always speaks in English. The college students have collected & published a book by the name "Jappier ' s Spoken English"

Enjoy.....with his........English... Now , here are some classic English sentences from the great "Jappier ' s Spoken English" # At the ground: All of you stand in a straight circle. There is no wind in the balloon. The girl with the mirror please comes here....{Means: girl with specs please come here). # To a boy , angrily: I talk , he talk , why you middle middle talk? # While punishing students: You , rotate the ground four times... You , go and under-stand the tree... Three of you stand together separately. Why are you late - say YES or NO ......(?) # Sir at his best: Sir had once gone to a film with his wife. By chance , he happened to see one of our boys at the theatre , though the boy did no t see them. So the next day at school... (to that boy) - "Yesterday I saw you WITH MY WIFE at the Cinema Theatre" # Sir at his best inside the Class room: Open the doors of the window. Let the atmosphere come in. Cut an apple into two halves - I will take the bigger half. Shhh...Quiet , boys...the principal JUST PASSED AWAY in the corridor You , meet me behind the class. (Meaning AFTER the class..) "Both of u three get out of the class." Open the doors of the window. Let the Air Force come in. Close the doors of the windows please. I have winter in my nose today... Take Copper Wire of any metal. Especially of Silver..... Take 5 cm wire of any length..... Last but not the least some Jeppiar experiences ... Once Sir had come late to a college function , by the time he reached , the function had begun , so he went to the dais , and said , sorry I am late , because on the

way my car hit 2 muttons (Meaning goats). At college day 2002: "This college strict u the worry no .... U get good marks , I the happy , tomorrow u get good job , jpr the happy , tomorrow u marry I the enjoy" At A college of engineering fresh years day 2003: "No ragging this college. Anybody rag we arrest the police "

VERY IMPORTANT: Enjoy this English, but don ' t forget your English!
Sardar Strikes Again....... .......
One tourist from U.S.A. asked to Sardar: Any great man born in this village??? Sardar: no sir, only small Babies!!! Doctor to patient: You will die within 2 hours. Do you want to see any one before you die? Patient: Yes. A good doctor. One sardarji professor asked a plumber to come to his college. U know why? Because he wanted to check from where the question paper is leaking... Sardar: My mobile bill how much? Call centre girl: sir, just dial 123to know current bill status Sardar: Stupid, not CURRENT BILL my MOBILE BILL. Q: How do you make a sardarji laugh on Saturday? A: Tell him a joke on Wednesday. Sardar built 2 Swimming Pools. And he left one of them unfilled y? When asked him, he said,

"Oye, thats for those who dont know Swimming.

A sardarji Doctor falls in Love with a Nurse.He writes a love letter to the Nurse :- I Love U sister... Sardar: I think that girl is deaf.. Friend: How do u know? Sardar: I told I Love her, but she said her chappals are new Friend: I got a brand new Ford IKON for my wife! Sardar: Wow!!! That's an unbelievable exchange offer!!! Teacher: Which is the oldest animal in world? Sardar: ZEBRA Teacher: How? Sardar: Bcoz it is Black & White Sardar: Miss, Do u called 2 my mobile? Teacher: Me? No, why? Sardar: Yesterday I saw in my mobile- 1 Miss Call". Judge: Don't U have shame? It is d 3rd time U R coming to court. Sardar to judge: U R coming daily, don't U have shame? Question: "Should Women have Children after 35?" Smart Sardar Replied: "No! 35 Children R More than Enough!!" Sardar attending an interview in Software Company. Manager: Do U know MS Office? Sardar: If U give me the address I will go there sir. Sardar in airplane going 2 Bombay . While its landing he shouted: " Bombay ... Bombay "

Air hostess said: "B silent." Sardar: "Ok. Ombay. Ombay" Sardar got a sms from his girl friend: "I MISS YOU" Sardarji replied: "I Mr YOU" !!. Sardar: Doctor! My Son swallowed a key Doctor: When? Sardar: 3 Months Ago Dr:Wat were u doing till now? Sardar: We were using duplicate key Why Sardar opens his lunch box in the middle of the road??? Just 2 confirm whether he is going to or coming back from the office..... Son: papa, how much is 4+3 ? Sardar: stupid, fool, idiot, shameless? Go get the CALCULATOR from my room. After finishing MBBS Sardar started his practice. He Checked 1st Patient's Eyes, Tongue & Ears By Torch & Finallly Said: "Torch is okay" Sardar1: Oye, what will happen if electricity was not discovered? Sardar2: Nothing, we must watch TV in candle light. Teacher: "What is common between JESUS, KRISHNA , RAM, GANDHI and BUDDHA?" Sardar: "All are born on government holidays...! !! SOLDIER : SIR WE ARE SURROUNDED FROM ALL SIDES BY ENEMIES , MAJOR : EXCELLENT ! WE CAN ATTACK IN ANY DIRECTION