Shepherding a Childs Heart

Part 1: Week 2 Foundations for Biblical Childrearing

I.

Youre in Charge
a. Confusion about Authority i. In general, our culture doesnt like authority; either being under it or being it; especially in the home. 1. authority is derived from power or consent = unbiblical 2. only response will be rebellion or servility 3. no concept of intelligent people willingly placing themselves under authority 4. freedom is found in autonomy, not obedience ii. Biblical understanding whats the nature of parental authority? 1. absolute or relative? 2. size difference? 3. smarter and more experienced? 4. we are not as sinful? 5. full, unquestionable reign? 6. certainty in these issues will give our kids security and certainty about what to expect from you because ground rules are consistent. a. Absolutes and principles of Gods Word alone teach wisdom 7. God calls children to obey their parents. b. Called to be in Charge i. The Biblical perspective - foundational 1. God calls us on His behalf to be our childrens authority. 2. We rule over Gods jurisdiction, not ours. 3. We act at His command; we are discharging His duty to us. 4. We try to shape our children to please Him, not ourselves. 5. Gen.18:18-19 a. Abraham will surely become a great and powerful nation, and all nations on earth will be blessed through him. 19 For I have chosen him, so that he will direct his children and his household after him to keep the way of the LORD by doing what is right and just, so that the LORD will bring about for Abraham what he has promised him. 6. Deut.6:1-2 a. These are the commands, decrees and laws the LORD your God directed me to teach you to observe in the land that you are crossing the Jordan to possess, 2 so that you, your children and their children after them may fear the LORD your God as long as you live by keeping all his decrees and commands that I give you, and so that you may enjoy long life.

7. Gods objective = generation after generation to follow His ways ii. As Gods agent, parents are also under authority; parents and children are in the same boat Gods authority. We have different roles but same Master. 1. unholy anger muddies the water of discipline 2. Our authority is an instrument to train our children to please God, not ourselves. 3. Righteous indignation is anger over the control of sin and its rebellion against God. 4. This implies we must be familiar with sins control in our own lives. c. Called to Obedience i. For us to require obedience from our children, we must be clear about Gods commandments and the Gospel and grow in conviction of our need for redemption and obedience. 1. The Biblical concept of obedience is one of greatest value because it is an expression of love for God. a. Christ frees us to obey. b. Obedience is not to arbitrary commands but to the God of love and thus the commands are loving actions. ii. Confidence to Act 1. Since parental authority is based on Gods command and expectation for us to act on His behalf, it has nothing to do with a childs permission. Parents do not need buy-in from them. iii. A Mandate to Act 1. To act on Gods behalf to be the authority is not just an option. If we dont, there are very real negative consequences. Parents, and not only Christian parents, must engage their children. IT IS OUR DUTY in obedience to God. 2. Equally important is the manner in which the authority is exercised benevolent, just, and gracious. 3. If we are not the authority, children will naturally assume they have the power to choose to obey or not; this is very unhealthy for their relational / social development. a. Clothing, food, schedule, free-time choicese, etc. b. What age should children become their own bosses? c. If things are out of control, the usual and obvious culprit is the yielding of authority to the child. d. This creeps in when parents give children choices early on. e. Before children can be good decision makers, they need instruction and training through modeling and repetition of true and right values which benefit everyone in the family and community and glorify God. f. Parents need to model faithful and wise decision making as they direct their children while they are young. g. We need to gradually equip them to make decisions then give them opportunities to try it out. Then intentionally evaluate their choices and discuss the results with them, negative or positive. d. Parenting Defined

i. Culture may define it as care provider food, clothes, shelter, some quality time. ii. Gods calling is to shepherd our children on His behalf, a pervasive task. 1. training and shepherding whenever youre with your children 2. always (verbally or nonverbally) involved in helping your child understand life, himself, and his needs from a Biblical perspective 3. to shepherd effectively, must know what makes them tick, what their inclinations are, positive as well as negative iii. Clear Objectives 1. focusing instruction and correction upon the attitudes of the heart 2. lead to knowledge and understanding of being a sinner 3. pointing them to the mercy and grace of God in Christ Jesus iv. Humility in Your Task 1. being under Gods authority, in obedience to Him, acting on His behalf should truly humble us if we are sincere and honest about ourselves a. being truly forgiven and filled with His Spirit keeps us benevolent and nonoppressive b. there will be occasions when well need to ask for our childrens forgiveness when unholy anger arises c. discipline remains clear as long as we keep in view our role as Gods representative, helping our children confront the issues and consequences of sinful disobedience / rebellion against God. v. No Place for Anger 1. Do not manipulate children by making them fear us. 2. James 1:19-21 a. 19My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, 20for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires. 21Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you. 3. If we use anger, children may fear us, behave better, but it WILL NOT produce a Biblically righteous life. a. Anger will not move them closer to God. It moves them towards idolatry. 4. anger does not = strictness / firmness vi. Benefits to the Child 1. When we approach our children in Gods name, on His behalf, they learn that we are Gods appointed means and they are to receive correction that imparts wisdom which has pure, righteous, virtuous results (Prov.15:5, 29:15). 2. Children are learning to receive and believe Gods Word. 3. Benefits continue to grow as the children grow up, gaining discernment and continuing to be open to parents godly correction. vii. Discipline: Corrective, Not Punitive 1. If correction orbits parents, discipline will be punitive.

2. If correction orbits God, discipline will be restorative. a. To move a child who has disobeyed God back to the path of obedience. b. Reflect on what we believe helps our children change; what makes us change? Have we changed? c. Luke 7:44-47 i. 44Then he turned toward the woman and said to Simon, "Do you see this woman? I came into your house. You did not give me any water for my feet, but she wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair. 45You did not give me a kiss, but this woman, from the time I entered, has not stopped kissing my feet. 46You did not put oil on my head, but she has poured perfume on my feet. 47Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgivenfor she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves little." viii. DISCIPLINE: An Expression of Love 1. Discipline and Love are not dichotomous a. Prov.3:12 - the LORD disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in. b. Prov.13:24 - He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him. c. Rev.3:19 - Those whom I love I rebuke and discipline. 2. Hebrews 12:7-11 a. Discipline is a sign of parental identity. God identifies Himself as our Father through discipline. b. If we are not disciplined, we are not legitimate children. c. God disciplines us so that we might share in His holiness. d. Though discipline is not pleasant when administered, it yields a harvest of righteousness and peace. i. Implies consequences that need to be unpleasant, uncomfortable, and sometimes painful. 3. Discipline can be looked at as a parents refusal to be a willing party to his / her childs death. (Prov.19:18) a. Discipline is not airing our frustration but rescuing our child from paths of danger. 4. To really receive this concept of discipline requires us to truly find our identities in Christ, to see ourselves as Gods agents. 5. Biblical discipline does not leave children sullen and angry. It should move them back to God and deepen and strengthen their respect and love for you. 6. Biblical parenting and correction must be tied to the principles and absolutes of Gods Word because the issues have to do with character development and honoring God. His non-negotiable standard fuels correction and discipline. 7. Discipline as an expression of love moves us toward our children, not against them.

a. We move towards them with reproofs and entreaties. b. It is designed by God to be therapeutic and produce growth. e. Summary i. Reflect back whats been shared.

II.

Examining Your Goals

a. Unbiblical Goals i. Developing Special Skills 1. Are we measuring our worth as parents or our childs success by the number of skills our children acquire? 2. Will the activities to gain the skills result in Biblically accurate selfimage, sportsmanship, loyalty, poise, endurance, perseverance, friendship, integrity, rights, competition, and respect for authority? ii. Psychological Adjustment 1. What are we teaching our children about self esteem? a. Is esteem found in self-focus or God-focus? b. Does the child esteem others? c. Is it the servant who leads or are the people of the world here to serve your child? 2. Are we listening to unbiblical voices in how to train / raise our children? a. How to be effective with people? b. How not to spoil your children iii. Saved Children 1. getting our children to say the Sinners prayer 2. take children to some fellowship, daycamp, summer camp to make decisions for Christ 3. False faiths can take people a long way (away from God). Consider, Lord, Lord, did we not 4. A childs profession of faith does not change the basic issues of child rearing; parents goals are still the same. a. Child is called to do the same things. b. Child still needs the same training. c. Child will have times of tenderness and spiritual coldness. 5. There are no passages in the Bible that instructs parents to get their kids to pray the sinners prayer. iv. Family Worship 1. no substitute for true spirituality 2. worship must be connected to family values and family living; if theres no consistency, the family worship becomes a mockery v. Well Behaved Children 1. a secondary benefit; not a primary goal 2. do not respond to your children to please others 3. keep focused on your childs heart 4. its what God thinks that matters 5. apart from Biblical roots of servanthood, good behavior can easily become a tool of manipulation

6. create children with disdain for those less polished 7. may propel children to opposite end because they see it all as hypocrisy vi. Good Education 1. good education does not equate to success 2. many well educated people live broken lives with broken families and relationships 3. possible to be well educated and not understand the truth about life, God, and people vii. Control 1. no noble goals 2. just want kids to be manageable so life is peaceful 3. major motivation is personal convenience and public appearance b. The Biblical Warning Against Cultural Influence i. Driving out the nations out of the Promised Land. 1. foreign nations would become a snare to Gods people ii. We too are subject to powerful influences of culture. 1. ie. 7 unbiblical goals iii. Identify the chief goal of man: to glorify God and enjoy Him forever. 1. Compromising on this goal will turn them away from God. 2. Compromising on this goal will cause us to pander to cultural desires and wishes for our children. 3. If God is not mans ultimate joy and love, then something else will be, ie. going places, doing things, owning things, etc. 4. Do we want to allow our children to be distracted and then hope somehow theyll find God? iv. In every context, we should strive to set a Biblical worldview before our children helping them gain clarity and consistency between Gods Word and their experiences and observations. 1. Our own Biblical and spiritual growth is required for us to be faithful and effective in this aspiration. c. Mixed Signals i. Are we training our kids to think unbiblically in the way we handle problems and pain? 1. seeking mans approval 2. finding the easy way out, ie. least painful 3. whats in it for me? 4. eye for eye? 5. ignore, bury, withdraw 6. vent, rage 7. sulk, silence, separate ii. Biblical counsel 1. overcome evil with good; bless those who curse you; pray for your persecutors 2. entrust self to God 3. entrust vengeance to God 4. be sensitive to the needs of offenders 5. directing child to God and not own resources

III. Reworking Your Goals

a. Rethinking Unbiblical Goals: Are these goals adequate as ultimate goals? i. Developing Special Skills 1. Is it healthy to build self worth based on special skills? 2. Are we encouraging our kids to build pride that comes from performance? 3. Are our children responding to activities in a way that puts them in their right priority? 4. We want to make sure that our childrens hearts are not being turned away from God while developing skills. 5. Be aware that time invested and sacrifices made communicate what is of importance. 6. Biblical worldview will dictate how skills are to be perceived: as stewardship and service, not a means to build a self-centered worldview. 7. Athletic activities can be a great way for family members to demonstrate loyalty in sharing each others interests. 8. Strenuous activity is valuable to keep the body healthy. They can be opportunities to exercise selflessness and consideration for others when it is a group / family activity. ii. Psychological Adjustment 1. going back to bully example: a. Self-defense? How and when to fight? b. Dont start but make sure you finish it! c. Biblical teaching is to overcome evil with good. i. (Rom.12:17-21) ii. Luke 6:27-36 iii. 1 Pet.2:23 d. Teach children to see and understand the needs around them, be prayerful and wise, and learn to make peace. i. When hurt, help them pray and learn to love and trust God, deepening their confidence in Him. ii. If needed, we can seek to be mediators or seek mediation from school staff. iii. Saved Children 1. We ought not look for major events to save our kids. 2. We are to faithfully teach our kids Gods ways. 3. Its the Holy Spirits work through the Word to change our childrens hearts. 4. Children need spiritual nurture. a. Instruct them in the character of God to learn proper fear of God; also model (incarnate) the character of God as much as possible. b. Instruct them about Gods judgment (Romans 2). c. Instruct them about sins pervasive effects, especially on their own hearts. d. Knowing God will make a difference when theyre afraid, angry, hurting, sinning, or sinned against.

i. Also, long-term goals, temptations take on new meaning as they learn to walk faithfully in the power of the Gospel each day. e. 2 PRIMARY TENETS of relating to God i. Need of Christs invasive redemptive work ii. Obligation to repent from sin and place faith in Christ. iii. This is how they relate to God! 1. Repentance and faith are not one time acts. 2. Repentance and faith are attitudes towards self and sin. 3. Faith is lifeline of Christian living. iv. Teach repentance of specific sins, ie. heart idolatry. This helps them see power, cleansing, and refreshment of Gods daily available forgiveness. v. This relationship prevents children from seeing and experiencing the Christian life as a bunch of rules but rather, a life of faith, commitment and fellowship with God. iv. Family Worship 1. Family worship is a means to the goal of knowing God. 2. Family worship needs to help our kids connect faith and life (as described above). 3. Be creative and flexible in assuring family worship as an effective means of the shepherding and nurturing task. a. Reading Proverbs is a great practice. i. Its a great owners manual for the life of faith. ii. It confronts us with every aspect of true spiritual living. b. When children are young, read OT and NT stories and perhaps act them out. c. Help kids see the relevance and life of Gods Word. v. Well Behaved Children 1. Remember to keep manners as simply an expression of Biblical love and consideration for others. vi. Good Education 1. Are good grades a Biblical objective? 2. Are incentives for good grades a Biblical means for success? 3. Grades are unimportant. Some kids get As easily. Some work hard for Cs. 4. What counts is learning how to do work diligently for God. a. Remember gifts and talents are to be stewarded; thus faithfulness is expected. b. Children need to find in Christ the strength to work for Gods glory. b. Objections Answered i. What if my children are not believers?

1. This has no bearing on whether or not we uphold His universal standards of love and righteousness. 2. We dont have to be Christians to be required to do what is right. Gods standard (Law) is the disciplinarian that is designed to lead people to Christ. 3. If children are required to learn to overcome evil with good, the only place where they will find the forgiveness and strength to do so is God. a. Faced with desire for revenge b. Faced with being kind to those who abuse c. Faced with leaving room for Gods justice and revenge d. all leads to the cross to find the One who can give us a new heart to love as God loves. 4. Once again, our goal is to teach our children to live for the glory of God. a. For all people, life is found in knowing and serving the true and living God. b. If this is our only goal, what are the means?

IV. Discarding Unbiblical Methods

a. Unbiblical Methods i. Illustration at the airport ii. Methods are just as important as the objectives. 1. The cure cannot be worse than the disease. 2. God is concerned with what we do and how we do it. iii. I didnt turn out so bad 1. Must evaluate whether the method is Biblical. 2. Was our parents method confrontational and abusive? 3. Was it indulgent and permissive? 4. Have we assessed the outcome of our parents methods, ie. our own character with Gods standard? iv. Pop Psychology 1. Bribery make deals for responsible behavior. 2. Contracts agreement to perform and reward based on the childs performance. 3. Point of appeal should not be crass self-interest. 4. Using these methods, children learn nothing about looking out for interests of others or living under Biblical authority. 5. These methods will not satisfy parents who understand the heart as determiner of behavior and wants to engage and shepherd that most significant part of our child. 6. Bribery and contracts do train childrens hearts but not towards Biblical motives or goals. v. Behavior Modification 1. Rewards and privations for positive and negative behavior. 2. Once again, hearts trained this way will grow in greed and selfinterest.

3. This may encourage a lust-driven life. 4. Systems may cause apathy when no one is around to keep check of points. vi. Emotionalism 1. opening illustration 2. It makes me feel really bad when you talk like that 3. Shame Youre spoiling your fathers reputation 4. Silent treatment 5. Children, when treated this way, do not learn to understand their behavior Biblically. a. There is no teaching for discernment of whats going on in the childs heart. b. Child is being trained to respond to emotional manipulation but not to know and love God. 6. May cause long term injuries ie. desire to please for acceptance, or distance self to insulate from further hurt. 7. Whether compliant or rebellious, the child is not learning to live out of a desire to know and love God. vii. Punitive Correction 1. threat of punishment to control a. corporal, verbal, grounding b. by themselves are punitive, not corrective 2. issues of cause are not Biblically (the heart) addressed a. no learning about character flaws and deceitfulness of the heart b. no learning about Gods ways of grace and truth in response to his wrong doing c. not being led to Christ who can enable (free) him to know and serve God 3. no ongoing interaction to integrate significance a. theres no assessment / knowledge of inside b. no patience and entreaty involved c. a 10 year olds response to consistent grounding i. Its not too bad. I can play and watch TV in my room. If I dont let it bother me, it isnt that bad. viii. Erratic Eclecticism 1. random goulash of parenting savvy from various sources 2. try contracts, spanking, grounding, emotional appeals, bribery 3. parents are frustrated, scared, and often yelling 4. children are confused about which system is in effect b. Evaluating Unbiblical Methods i. Superficial versus shepherding 1. faith requirement heart determines behavior 2. unbiblical methods do not address the heart 3. deep needs are ignored a. Why do siblings yell at each other? b. Anger and bitterness?

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4. superficial methods produce superficial children who do not understand and interpret their behavior in terms of heart (genuine) motivation. 5. Without shepherding, children drift through life never understanding the internal struggle involved with living a faithful life. The heart is trained according to the means. 1. Rewards train the heart to respond to rewards. 2. Punishment trains the heart to respond to fear. 3. Approbation trains the heart to seek approval or fear disapproval. 4. If we try to find what works for each child then are we trying to find the idols of the heart that will move each child? a. Addressing the heart unbiblically will foster the growth of functional idols. Superficial methods never bring in the cross of Christ. 1. Preoccupation with behavior never gets to the Gospel. 2. The cross is not about doing things. 3. The Gospel is about being a new creature. a. It speaks to broken people, fallen sinners in need. b. Its about what God has done and is doing. c. Its about open heart surgery, not a face lift. d. God produces change from the inside out. e. God rejected the person who fasted twice a week and accepted the sinner crying out for mercy. How would each unbiblical method get a child to do her homework? 1. Each one does not train a child to make ethical choices as responsible people living in reverence for God. 2. The child is learning how to jump through hoops to avoid rejection or to receive reward; to make choices based on expediency and not principle. 3. Worst of all, distance is created. As children grow up, they begin to see through attempt to simply control. Depth of relationship and communication are lost. Even in adults, bondage from superficial methods continues to cause dysfunctional behavior which wreaks havoc in relationships, marriage in particular.

c. Next session will cover embracing Biblical methods i. Communication ii. Types of Communication iii. A Life of Communication iv. The Rod v. Appealing to the Conscience

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