Here Again

Chapter 1 Dear Morris

What can I say? He was, is and always will be my baby brother. No matter which destiny I experience, the life of Morris is that of a shooting star. So bright and then gone in an instant. He left all he knew with love and memories. He continues to live in my heart. Like all those we love and lose. At times he is the biggest lose because he was the first to leave. The first one I ever loved that would leave and never return. And each time I come back he will always be the first life I try to save. Some of us are lucky enough to know and love those as he. At times his love is nothing more than a big smile. There remains innocence about him. That only makes his kind easier to love and a lot harder to say good-bye. He was the youngest and therefore the baby of the family. He wasnt spoiled much in life, except for maybe the time my dad bought him a brand new green Schwinn bike and I got nothing. Outside of that he usually found a way to get what he wanted without anyones help. As a child he did have his share of getting into trouble. I guess you could say that from an early age, he definitely had a free spirit about him. I always end up being a year and a half older. We grew up fast in our household. On too many occasions there were too many arguments and unfortunately physical abuse. Yep, the cops in my town knew us well. Hell, we even exchanged Christmas cards with the mayor, with the entire force signing it. They were like uncles to me.

Reliving those early years will always be difficult because the memories of past lives at such an early age only scared and confused me. Nightmares for me were common. This story tells of my first successful interaction in trying to change someones destiny. I also made my first of many discoveries and that is, when dealing with changing someones destiny you can also create more problems in the areas of consequences. Sometimes those losses can be heartbreaking. But in this case, I see what unfolds is a blessing from god. Until recently Morris life always ends much too soon. The first event I must always focus on is of course the train accident. This moment awaits him in every life. May 6th 1968, it is a Monday afternoon. Morris, just a month shy of his 7th birthday and just like clockwork hes already talking about his big day to come. The great thing about this experience is I always receive plenty of memories about this day. Ive known it was coming for over two years now. The important thing is to just keep him close to me. I love my brother. The way that day always plays out is Morris is sick and therefore stays home from school. My mother walked over to a friends house just next door, she was only gone for a few minutes but in that time Morris got out of his bed and climbed out the window. The bedroom window faced the backyard. Just over the fence were the train tracks. For all of us kids in the neighborhood, the train tracks were our playground. It wasnt uncommon to see one of the older kids on the block hitch a ride on the moving cars. Even the older girls did it. Anyway, Morris had been running a high fever. In those days there were no microchips to insert. The world had not yet discovered blood type M Negative, and of course we were still decades away from PBAs (Pre-Birth Antibodies). Unfortunately this was a time in history when there were few medical

breakthroughs. The world was consumed with outer space and rocket ships. For now we ate chicken soup, took an aspirin and stayed in bed for a day or two. Our high tech fun would be coloring books. The memories I have of that day flash before me like flash cards. I can see my mom checking on him. He was not in his bed so at first my mom thought he must be in the bathroom. Within seconds she realized he was not in the house at all. With the sounds of the afternoon train whistle being heard in the distance my mother was already at the neighbors house looking to see if he was there. Both my mom and our neighbor searched the yards frantically and then they heard the sound. It was the loud, fast, high-pitched sounds of the trains steel brakes. Then the black smoke and the smell of fire engulfed the whole neighborhood. The once roaring train had come to an abrupt stop. According to the train engineer, my brother simply walked right into the passing train. The engineer did everything he could to alert my brother but for unknown reasons my brother walked right in the path of the train. He was dragged for some time. By the time my mom and neighbors ran to the accident the train personnel were already there to hold my mom back. I can see her looking down on him. All she saw was the gray blanket over him. This happens at precisely 11:03 a.m. It is now 1:20 in the afternoon and my principle unexpectedly enters my classroom and interrupts the teacher. They walked to the back of the class and spoke very quietly for a few minutes. My teacher then approaches my desk and directs me to go with the principle. She always says the same thing, Dont worry, youre not in any trouble. She also gives me a huge. When youre nine years old that can be very awkward. So off I went with Mr. Sanchez. I was told that my older sister was coming to get me. They never say anything more. So I waited. My sister arrived and soon afterward I was told of what had occurred. Of the many lives Ive

endured this one remains the saddest. The memories of that day, I promised myself to always remember it. When the day finally arrives Ill simply pretend Im sick as well and Ill be in the bed next to him the entire day, simple right? And so this is the story of the day in which was I was finally able to truly change my brothers destiny. I was finally able to make something bad go away. The planning for this would have to begin with me pretending to be sick along with my brother. It was nothing more than a fever. I made sure to be with him as much as possible so who ever infected him could do the same for me. There were a few problems along the way, you see a six year old and his friends dont always like having older brothers like me tag alone, but as far as I was concerned that was their problem. All was going fine until the weekend before. Morris and only Morris was invited to a birthday party. This would be his first party. It was at a house just down the block. Now I knew well and good that this was probably when my brother would get infected so I had to figure out how I was going to crash the party. The wheels were moving on this one, very slowly but moving. Then it was announced that the party would be moved to the kids aunts house across town. My mom would be driving him. The least I could do was to drive with them until I could think of something else. I have this green hornet jacket that he likes. I will offer it to him and that way the germs will be on him long enough to grab hold of me as well. Sure enough he jumped on my offer. The party was around noon and ended at 3:00. So my mother and I went into the aunts house. Without missing a beat we were driving back to pick him up just a little before 3:00. Morris climbed in and was in a great mood. He had a blast! As he went on about the party I began to notice something was out of place. I wondered all the way home and then it hit

me, where was my jacket? Morris, I asked. Wheres my jacket? Jacket, what jacket? He replied. My mother told me not to worry about it and that she would get the jacket back in the next day or so. So as it were, my game plan was already going astray. Nothing is going to ruin this for me NOTHING!! My mom dressed my brother in his Sunday best for the party so of course he had to change his clothes as soon as we got back. Once changed, he went out to play. Now normally I would have gone with him but I had a better idea. Since his clothes were still on his bed, Id put them on thereby exposing me to all of the same germs. It was a brilliant idea. So when I got there my mom was already going thru all the clothes for laundry. Damn, why shed have to do this now? I thought. Just then the phone rang and it was for her. She asked me to gather up anything I needed washing while she was gone. I had to move quickly, no telling how long my mom would be on the phone. I went through the dirty clothes hamper like a mad man. I finally found the shirt and pants my brother wore to the party, so I did the only thing I could think of, I took off all my clothes and quickly put his on. Our sizes have always been a size and a half difference. His clothes were just a bit smaller. So there I was wearing his wrinkled clothes but still I needed more germs! I was looking for the t-shirt; I could still here mom in the next room talking so I figured I still had a few more minutes. I emptied the hamper before I finally found his wrinkled tshirt. Everything else was on the floor. There was no time to actually put the t-shirt on so I did the next best thing. I smeared it on my face and head. Then I heard the sound of the phone hanging up. I tried as best to take the pants off but I only made it out of one pant leg when my mom was standing right in front of me. I think I might have even been bouncing on one leg. What are you doing? she asked. I told her I

liked his clothes and just wanted to see how they looked on me. I dont know if she ever believed me. She did however check my forehead to see if I had a fever before she told me to put everything back in the hamper and go outside and play. I wasnt going to take any chances so what I did next was to use his toothbrush over the next few days. Two days later and neither of us were showing any signs of being sick yet. All I could do was follow him around. Even though we were going to the same school, because we were in different grades that meant we had different recesses. The only time I saw him was for lunch hour. I didnt make it a habit to spend as much time with my baby brother let alone have lunch with him and his little pals. But I had to do it. Even if that bothered him. As we were eating our lunches one of his friends started sneezing uncontrollably. This has to be the one. I thought. Morris was sitting right next to the kid. The kid literally sneezed right on my brothers sandwich. From where I was sitting I could actually see the burst of saliva spraying everywhere. I then realized that if Morris doesnt get sick at all then hell be here at school with me and nowhere near any train. As I leaped over another kid trying to stop my brother from taking that one bit! But it all happened so fast. As my brother took the bit I was then able to hit it out of his hand. Now the infected sandwich was on the dirty ground. I then handed him my own. Once my brother took a bit I quickly grabbed it back and took a bit. Hey! Thats mine. He said. I know, but I just wanted one bit. Just then the first bell rang which meant we had another five minutes to finish up. That night at dinnertime I got caught eating off my brothers plate. My father shook his head at me and said, Look bobby if youre still hungry Im sure theres more on the stove. I thanked him and said I was full. Friday morning and still I feel fine. By the looks of my brother so did he. His

class was going on a field trip and he couldnt have been more excited. Perhaps this was when he first got infected. As our school bus pulled up to the school there were two newer and bigger buses parked. These would be the ones for the field trip to Oakland baby zoo. As I sat in class that morning I could hear the buses pulling out about an hour later. The trip would be an all day event and they wouldnt be back until 3:30. When my brother returned he look and sounded o.k. Not so much as a cold or cough. I couldnt understand it. Monday was only a few days away but he still wasnt getting sick. If he doesnt get sick then he wont stay home from school. What if he get killed some other way? I began to worry; this wasnt supposed to happen like this. As we ate dinner, all us kids sitting at the dinner table and my dad having his dinner on the coffee table watch T.V. I couldnt take my eyes off Morris, still waiting for him to get sick. My mom made fried chicken and French fries, which was my favorite dish. We always ate like it was our last meal. This was a time when fast food was looked down upon. Home cooked meals still ruled. Pizza on a Friday night was the only time we had anything else. Morris had two helpings and then went out to play. Again I cleaned off his scraps when no one was looking. I went out looking for him soon after but he was nowhere to be found. This was a glorious time when kids actually went outside to play. No computer games, video, disk or PCs. This truly was a magical time. When ones imagination could take you wherever you wanted to go. By the time I got back home I finally heard those beautiful words, Your brother isnt feeling well, hes lying down. Great, I thought to myself. Ill go in and cheer him up. No, leave him alone. Said my mother. Besides I dont want you getting sick either. Tonight you can sleep on the sofa. I didnt want to cause

suspicion so I quickly agreed. O.K. I said. I then walked into the bathroom and brushed my teeth using his toothbrush. It was the only thing I could think of. Over the next two days I was around him like white on rice. I was my moms little helper. Id bring my brother his meals and even colored with him. By Sunday night, I was truly feeling terrible. My plan had worked. By tomorrow I will be just as sick as my brother and will also be staying home from school. When morning arrived my mother instructed both of us to stay in bed. I was feeling worse but still felt good in that I was now home and could be here to make sure my brother was safe. Regardless of what happens today, under no circumstances will I leave my brother alone. Not even for a minute! My brother was feeling better than me and seemed to have more energy. I on the other hand was getting tired. It was now 9:30 a.m. and Morris and I had moved into the living room. There we sat watching T.V. My mom had made the couch as comfortable as possible for us. As we both laid there it was all I could do to stay awake. The hot soup that my mother served us only made it harder to stay awake. I have to stay awake for another two hours. I thought. I cant fall asleep now! The memories Ive had were of my life before. My parents were never the same again. Their ages made it risky to have more children. It would be years before any of us could truly laugh again. I just couldnt bare that again. Just imagine, if I can save him today than who knows how much longer he will live. Perhaps hell live to be a hundred. As I looked over at Morris he had fallen fast asleep. I could hear mom in the kitchen. There was a thin ray of sunshine that crossed the dining room floor. It made me think of how warm it would be today. Ironic, everything at this moment is so calm. The warm sun outside and the blue skies. Yet only I knew that the end of today could be so different if I

cant change things. Knowing what I know, I have no other choice. I must save my brothers life today. Meanwhile I can hear the sounds of the TV. I couldnt believe it. It was Jack La Lanne. To think this man will still be on TV in fifty years from now. In fact he will live well into his 90s. I had to get up and change it even though I was instructed not to get up. I just couldnt bare another series of push-ups. I didnt have much to choose from. As the giant round handle went counter clock wise I quickly found my favorite program. Hocus Pocus was just about to start. I lay back on the couch and enjoyed the show. I remember my eyes getting heavy but I made sure to keep watching my brother. He was still asleep. By the time my program had ended I too had fallen asleep. My awakening was of the sounds of sirens. I actually jerked when I awoke. I quickly sat up and listened, but the only sounds were of the TV. No sounds of any trouble. As I looked to my right Morris was gone! I jumped up and went outside hoping to find him with my mom. But neither of them was to be found. Im sure hes with mom. I thought. God, I prayed. And then my heart dropped. It was my mom walking back from down the street. She saw me and yelled at me. Bobby, what are you doing up? I didnt even answer her. I quickly turned and ran to the backyard. I had gotten up so quickly that I had no shoes on. Suddenly I could hear the faint whistle of the dreaded train. My god, I had to run as fast as I could. I ran on everything that hurt. From the slivers of the fence I had to jump over to the broken glass and rocks of the tracks. I had to find him! Once over the fence it only took me but a few moments to see him. He was about a quarter of a mile down the tracks. I shouted but he had his back to me and he was still walking away. The train was fast approaching and the whistle was getting louder by the moment. I ran as fast as I possibly could. Why did I fall asleep? How could I let this happen?

This tragedy would now and forever be my fault. I looked back to see the train and it was about half mile away. I wasnt sure how fast it was going but I had no choice but to run like Ive never ran before. There were jagged rocks everywhere. The only way I could possibly reach him is if I run between the tracks. Without hesitation or shoes I ran like the wind! No time to think, no time to cry, just run. With the trains whistle behind me and my brother ahead I just kept counting my steps. Five, ten just then I stepped on what had to be the sharpest rock. The pain was perching but I was actually gaining ground. I couldnt stop to call out to Morris so I started shouting with every third step. Why cant he hear me? The whistle was also very loud and still nothing, no reactions. He was now walking right along side of the tracks. He had been walking in a straight line since I first saw him but now hes getting closer to the middle of the tracks with every step. Again and again I called out for him. Then I heard the same sound as my vision. It was the high pitch sound of steel. I was now about twenty feet from him and the sound of steel was right behind me. Thats when I decided that if Morris was going to die today, I would as well. Morris was now walking in the danger zone. My feet were numb and my heart was beating so fast. There was no time to look back, not even for a second. I was now five feet from him. I could feel the trembling of the train beneath my feet. With one last burst of energy I leaped toward him and pushed him out of danger. The direction of my flight also landed me just on the other side of the tracks. The air was filled with the train still trying to stop as well as the whistle blowing. The train did eventually stop but not before it passed us both up with only seconds to go. I had done the unthinkable. I did it! I saved Morris. As I looked up, half the neighborhood with my mom in

front was running towards us. My mom grabbed Morris. He was unresponsive. The ambulance was on its way. It was later discovered that his fever had gotten so high that he was hallucinating. That explained why he didnt hear the train or me. My mother was so scared. As for me, I was just fine. She was concerned because I had a lot of blood on me. The sharp rock might have been broken glass. I ended up having 15 stitches and a scare I would wear proudly the rest of my life. And oh yes, my brother and I also stayed home the rest of the week. The following Monday there we stood, like nothing had ever happened. Waiting at the bus stop with the rest of the neighborhood kids. By now my brother and I were famous, if only on our little block. Still, it felt great. All the kids fought over who would sit next to us on the bus. Morris didnt remember any of it. I on the other hand would never forget. Over the next few months I would take other precautions in order to keep Morris safe. I still didnt know for sure how long this would last. With every month that pasted so did the urgency to always try to be with him. It took almost a year before I finally made the decision to let go and hope for the best. My brother saw many things in this life that he hadnt seen before. He made hundreds of new friends. He was there to share baseball with my dad and me. He saw the Oakland As win the World Series, not once but three times. He loved Jimi Hendrix and he experienced love for the first time. I was never to receive anymore future memories of Morris, no dreams and no visions. So on April 20, 1982, somewhere between six and seven that night my brother was killed in a car accident. I received the dreaded call from my father. At first I asked what hospital he was in, perhaps he had broken a leg. But this was real. He was gone and there was nothing I could do this time. This time I had no more miracles. This had now become his new destiny. Even though I knew he had already lived longer than ever before, it still hurts. In many ways it hurt more now than in my previous life. This time I had grown founder of him. I had

more time which means more memories. There was still so much for him to do. He absolutely loved life! It was still so unfair. Suddenly the extra time he had wasnt enough. I demanded more. As each year passed I cried only a few tears less. We all did. The day finally came when I was able to just accept his new destiny as well as my own. I finally said good-bye. Can I continue to change what I now know about him? Can or will I have the chance to stop him from taking that dreaded drive? Only time will tell. I hope Im one day granted that wish. Until we meet again.

Here Again
Chapter 2 My Children, Past and Present

It is said that ones greatest accomplishments are those we leave

behind. If this is true then I am happy when all is said and done. In this chapter I would like to share with you my greatest gifts. The tragedies and triumphs. The good times and not so good times. Every one of them in their own way taught me what life is all about, they showed me what courage really is and through them have made my lives richer than all the gold in the world. In my lives I would have a total of four children but not all in the same lifetime. In one life I would marry twice and end up having three sons, Alex, Neil and Paul. In another life I would only marry once and have a daughter, her name is Emily. The struggle I am faced with no matter which path I choose is that I would always remember all four children and because of this I would always yearn for the children or child I would never see in that lifetime. It is for this reason that helps me decide which life to choose. One lifes path would give me my sons and I end up with the woman of my dreams. Lisa, my soul mate, my forever true love. The other life I marry my high school sweetheart Kimberli and we have one daughter, Emily. It is with this life I will begin my story. Kimberli and I met in high school. We had mutual friends and one year we even had auto shop together. For the most part it was never anything serious. She was always one step ahead of me when it came to lifes experiences. I guess you could say she grow up faster than me. I was one year ahead of her and we never dated while in high school. Once I graduated and started

working full time I never really thought much of her until one night I had to pick up a few things at the market. As I was walking around I saw a girl putting item on the shelves and my heart stopped, it was Kimberli. She looked up at me and with a big smile said hello and gave me a big hug. We got caught up with each others lives and the small talk only lasted a few minutes. I remember thru the conversation I just couldnt stop looking into her eyes, they were beautiful. As I drove home I remember how great I felt. I just couldnt stop thinking about her. By the time I got home my mind was already made up, I had to ask her out. It was easier said than done, you see I had never had a relationship and didnt know the first thing about young women, but my mind was made up. I would simply drive back, walk up to her and ask her for a date. Simple, perhaps not. I must have driven up to that damn store six times over the next week before I finally had the nerve to go into the store. When I finally did, she was not working that night. I was informed she would be in the next night and so with all my courage and sweaty palms I pretended that I was once again shopping and placed myself in her view. My plan was simply, make her think she saw me first and then wed have another chat and then Id ask her out. It only took 45 minutes but she finally saw me and the rest is history. Its strange in that even though I know how things can work out the feelings of youth and the unknown are still very much a part of me as anyone at that age. Our marriage would always start off great but would eventually stall like so many marriages. At some point in time we would drift away from each other until the marriage would be just out of necessity. The marriage never got to the point where we hated our lives, but I knew that once the magic left it would never return. This is something I would try to change with every life we had together. But no matter what I do or dont do it seems that our relationship always seems destined to fail. One might think why would I continue to relive this life with her if she wasnt the right woman for me? The answer is simple Emily.

Emily Denise Yanez was born on Christmas day 1982. It was the best Christmas present I would ever receive. She was a present from God. Her face was that of an angel, she looked like Kimberli. When the nurse brought her to us I was hopeful that things would be different this time around. I made sure throughout Kimberlis pregnancy that she did all the right things. Ate all the right foods and we even went to birthing classes. We did everything right but six hours after our angel was born the doctor asked to meet with him in his office and I knew, I knew. He would once again tell us about his concerns he had and that our baby would have to stay in the hospital for awhile so they could do some test. He would sit down with us once he knew more. When we walked out of his office I finally broke down and cried uncontrollably. Kimberli held me tight and told me everything would be all right but how could I tell her what I already knew was in store for our baby girl? How do I tell my wife that we would only have ten short years with Emily? The answer was always the same, I couldnt. Like so many others in my life Kimberli would never learn of my past lives and the things I knew that were yet to come. It is during these times when I feel like this is a curse. Why cant I change the course of my daughters life? I had to try. Six days after Emilys birth, the doctor once again sat us down for the talk. Emily was born with a bent spinal cord. This rare condition made things difficult because not a lot of doctors knew much about it. Surgery would never be an option due to the dangers involved, in other words if things went wrong it could leave her paralyzed. She would have to wear a brace and it was their hope that it would correct itself thru time and therapy. What the doctors would never mention in the first of many meetings was the pain involved. But I suppose it was because they didnt know what the future would bring; they didnt know what I already knew. I would cry everyday alone uncontrollably over the next year. The back brace would be fitted as soon as possible in hopes that the sooner the better. I know better but as in this case I had to let situations run their course. Our baby girl was fitted with this hideous apparatuses upon her release from the hospital.

The real pain would not begin for a few more years so once again I found myself reading up on everything I could find. This was 1983, the Internet which would have made information more accessible, was none existent therefore I had no other choice but to go to every library and bookstore I could find. Perhaps I missed something in past lives. Perhaps there was a documented case in which they were able to have better results. I had to do everything I could to help our Emily. Now I could get into some of the day to day lifetime moments of all my children and believe me there are thousands but in this chapter and in keeping with its theme Ill keep our moments where they should be, between them and I. Three years have now past and I know by her fourth year the intense pain will begin. I have exhausted all of my efforts in finding new directions and choices for one purpose and one purpose only, to save my sweet baby girl Emily. Everything from changing her diet to changing doctors. Kimberli thinks at times Ive gone crazy because I simply wont have anything to do with the doctors shed had before that couldnt save her. I always have to make up something bizarre. Thru it all Kimberli has been so strong. Looking back thru out this time I think this was the last time her and I were still in love. She was always there for me when I found it hard to be strong. Her shoulders have become a very familiar place for my tears. Kimberli likes to call our baby girl Emma. I have always preferred Emily; its such a grand name. Like a queen or princess. Emily has become the reason I still get up in the morning. She is my purpose for living and it is my purpose to save her. Up until now she has minor pain in the lower back. The bigger hurdles have been all the things that her friends can do but she cant. Emily watching all her little friends run and play is one of hardest things a parent can go thru. Kimberli and I feel so helpless at times. While all the other kids are playing my baby is in physical therapy three times a week. As time goes by, her bedroom looks more and more like a hospital room. The guilt I feel everyday is enormous. Kimberli constantly tells me its no ones fault, but she

doesnt know where my guilt really stems from. Thru it all, I have to keep reminding myself that this time perhaps things will be different. This time our baby girl will live! There is a constant battle between the doctors and I. By the time Emily reaches the age of five, she has been seen by some 17 doctors. Most of them agree to surgery. I will never agree because I know that has already been attempted and in the end will only cause her more pain. Ive come across a case similar to ours in which a doctor in South Africa has had some success with children with similar problems. Kimberli and I have discussed going there but it will take some time before we can save enough to make the trip. Not to mention the tens of thousands of dollars for the treatments. We have lots of friends who have children of their own and together we have started a fund for the trip. Everyone wants to help our little girl. Upon hearing about this we are getting help from her school, the hospital and even our local fire department has made an effort in raising funds for us. With every roadblock we have had to endure there always seems to be a shining light as well. The hearts from those I dont even know have made me a true believer in people. By the time Emily is six she has received hundreds of letters from strangers. Emily is still too young to understand the reality of her dilemma. Amidst everything that it will take to find a cure, it has also been our goal to try to keep the world around her as normal as possible. The doctors think she will someday overcome her illness but I know different, I know she now only has four years left. Time is running out. On Christmas day 1989 we are blessed with the news that there is finally enough money for the three of us to make the trip to South Africa. In all the past lives with Emily this is the first time this has happened! This has given me more hope and perhaps this time I can finally make a difference for our precious girl. On this day we are given yet another surprise. A gift from Kimberlis mother in the form of a kitten. Emily has been asking for one for some time now but with everything going on we simply hadnt got around to it. The smile on Emilys face when grandma carried the kitten into the room brought

tears of joy to both Kimberli and I. Grandma was a bit confused at first but within seconds she started to wipe away her own tears as well. Usually a child so young doesnt know how to handle a pet but not Emily. She held the kitten so gentle and the two bonded so quickly like nothing I had ever seen before. The two were made for each other. We left the naming of the kitten to Emily. Emily was always a happy child but seeing her on this day made me wish we had given her a pet sooner. For one brief moment in time, she was no longer sick or in pain. Three days after the kitten arrival Emily had finally picked out a name. Napoleon. She named it after a cartoon character. Now you have to understand that Napoleon was a mans name and the kitten was female but it just didnt matter. The two of them were like two peas in a pod. As I watched my baby with her newfound friend I felt a joy inside of me that had been few and far between. It made me love life, again. Grandma had already agreed to watch over Napoleon during our trip. The details of the trip were still pending and we didnt even know how long we would be there. With every letter from this English doctor gave me more hope. Where there is hope there is life I kept telling myself. It was now March of 1989 and they were finally ready to see us. Within days we pretty much had everything ready. Airline tickets were purchased and there were a lot of people involved that we didnt even know. There was a church that had also raised money in order for us to have a place to stay. We would be leaving in ten days. The many doctors we had here in the states didnt all agree with our plans. They felt the treatments being done hadnt been developed and tested long enough for us to risk, but knowing what I knew I had no other choice. I was convinced that there was simply no one here who could help Emily. Nothing was going to change my mind. During this time in history, South Africas government was going thru many changes. We were very much aware of the risk factor. The appearti was still very much in control, however the growing unrest with the countrys government from the people and the rest of the world grow more concerns for the

safety of foreigners visiting that part of Africa. This was also a big concern from all of our friends and family. Kimberli and I decided that risking our lives in order to save our daughters was worth the danger. What could be worse than slowly watching our baby die? Thats still the only destiny I see for her. But the fight must go on and we will never give up. Everything was finally done. Our trip would only last ten days. Thats how long the first series of treatments would take. We would then have to return to the states and wait for the many test results. If all goes well we would all return to Africa in three months. None of us could sleep that night. By 6:00 a.m. we were on our way to the airport. Our flight would leave at 9:00 a.m. and it would take us two days to get there. We would be stopping in Paris but there would be no time for sightseeing. My heart would pump a little harder just thinking about this miracle that was waiting for us. As we waited to board I began to notice a loud argument that included many of the passengers going to Africa as well. At first it was just a few people arguing with the people at the counter, than several others joined in and before I knew it a half dozen police were called over to restore some order. Then we all heard the announcement. Our connecting flight from Paris had been canceled. All those only going to Paris would still be able to fly, but all going on to Africa they recommend we reconsider our plans for now. That was just too bizarre. Upon hearing the announcement I went to find out what was going on. Seems as though the chaos in Johannesburg was on high alert. We could still go to Paris but there would be a good chance we could be stuck there forever. They were forced to close the airports and even some roads in South Africa. Thousands were now trying to get out of the country due to the many changes that had now over taken the country. Marshall Law would be enforced. Riots were now ensuing at an uncontrollable rate. There were those at the airport that refused to leave. I on the other hand just looked at Kimberli and within a glance she knew. Kimberli knew there was nothing we could do there. Emily started to cry when she realized we would not be taking any airplane rides today. I told her everything would be o.k. and that we all should go get some ice cream. It was the

only thing I could think of. We soon arrived back home and Kimberli and I got on the phone to see if we could make contact with Dr. Mayson. Unfortunately we were not able to get through. We then did the only thing left to do, we watched to news reports. Sure enough the footage was pretty grim. Riots and looting. People fighting with the police and military personnel. With every new scene it became apparent why our flight had been canceled. It took two days but we were finally able to make contact with the Red Cross. I was on the phone forever and when I finally heard a voice, they didnt have time to answer all of my questions. When I asked about the hospital the person didnt fully understand English. She handed the phone to yet another person and I asked the same question. He informed me that the hospital I spoke of had fallen victim to arsonist. The entire place had been burnt to the ground. As I listened Kimberli had been staring at me. My eyes began to tear up but I couldnt let Emily see me like this. I was given one answer and then they hung up. What about Dr. Mayson and his staff? Where were they? It took approximately 2 weeks before we received word from a member of Dr. Maysons team. Dr. Mayson was last seen at the hospital right before the explosion. Apparently there had been a suicide bomber. Many were killed that day. Hospital staff, patients as well as what little emergency crews were left to help. Dr. Mayson had not been seen and at this point was presumed dead. Any hopes of building the hospital were now gone. At best it would be a year. We were all devastated by the news. All our hopes and dreams for our daughter to have a new life were now gone. I just couldnt understand it. I didnt fully understand the changes the country was going through, even so. Why burn down a hospital? At that moment I hated them all! The people, the old government as well as the new one. I never got over that feeling of hate. We never found out what happened to Dr. Mayson. And so once again, with just 41 days past her 10th birthday we lost our angel. It never gets easier, never! About a year after Emilys death, Kimberli and I once again drifted apart. She was our entire world. For Emilys sake

we tried to make it work. We were both so heartbroken that nothing else mattered. Like so many other times before, I now had to decide what choices I would make the next time I come back. Do I come back and try to save our baby girl again? This time we came real close to saving her. Each time Id visit her grave site I felt her presents. Once when I was there the wind was blowing so hard I swear I thought I heard her calling me. I ended up keeping Napoleon, Kimberli couldnt bear to. She said having Napoleon around made it harder for her. I on the other hand enjoyed the cat. It was like still having a part of Emily with me. The damn cat was all I had left. When the cat finally died I had her cremated. Because I knew the cemetery would never allow me to bury the cat next to Emily so I did the next best thing. I sprinkled the cats ashes on Emilys grave. I think I cried just as hard over Napoleon as I did for Emily. I know if I had chosen my only other destiny Id be with my sons and their children right now. Making the decision of which children to spend my life with will always be a constant struggle within my very soul. For now, good-bye my sweet angel. Sleep well. Having my sons is a blessing in deed. Each life I spend with them is precious in so many ways. I do end up living longer when I choose this path. I find my true love and all my children live long lives. Reasons are plenty with this destiny. But all is never perfect. All of our sons have known hard times at some point in their lives. Alex had it rough early on. Paul and Neil found happiness once they found their true callings. All three experienced all life has to offer, both good and bad. There were times when I stepped into their lives in order to prevent the unthinkable; otherwise I tried my best to stay out of things. When Paul is twenty-nine, I kept him home all night long. I knew if he had gone out, there would be an accident and he would never come back to us. They were all able to find the most important thing of all, Love! And there were times when things for them didnt work out like they had envisioned and they had to go through hardships and heartaches. But my sons, thats life! Ill always be proud to say I was and continue to be your father. You have all in your own ways made me

very proud. I am happy in this life. So many things for us all to be thankful for. Being able to live long enough to watch my first granddaughter Mia walk down the aisle. And holding her new born baby daughter for the first time is simply awesome. In total Lisa and I have 8 grandchildren. We both live longer enough to witness our 4 great-grandchildren. Let us not forget the seven cats we finally end up having. Sweet Napoleon in one life and Jazzy, Missy and all the rest in the other. We would all share many a holidays together. I have three grandchildren that love the Chicago Bears almost as much as me! Ive seen them win the Super Bowl twice. Weve sung Happy Birthday a million times. Ive had a chance to be there for all of them and them for me. Are there still choices that I could have made differently? Absolutely. There always will be. But the key as always will be if I have this lifes memories to go by. Just the same, my children and theirs have made it all worth it. So to all my children, this chapter was for you. Love Dad

Here Again
Chapter 3 Understanding, Accepting and Only One Person to Tell

As I write this Im still not sure if Ill even get through one page but just the same Ill give it the old college try. The gift Ive been given comes with many challenges to say the least. The title of this chapter speaks for itself. At best I only have a small circle of loved ones and none of them have a clue about my life. Im not sure, but I have to believe that there where those lives Ive lived in which I had no clue as well. I just went on forgetting past lives and simply living out the current one. Never really allowing the process to come to life is what I believe can happen. The moments of future memories begins to shorten. Until it gets to the point whereby the memories only last a few seconds and then immediately get swept away with nothing more than just a moments thought. In the beginning it can be very easy to let that happen. Entering from a previous life isnt an exact science, one doesnt always remember the last moments as clearly as I had this last time. Remembering ones last moments plays a big part in believing and accepting whats going on when logic and the impossible cross paths. When you dont or cant remember the last moments then thats when you simply wake up and everything almost instantly becomes just a faint dream. Without realizing it, youre a kid again. When my life begins like that and the future memories begin, I have to make a more conscience effort in order to get the memories back. The

This chapter was a last minute decision.

more effort, the more I receive. They feed off each other. There are periods whereby I have memories flooding my mind every day until I unravel the clues, clues of what will take place. Then and only then I decide if the future is worth changing. Theres always the one very real and harsh reality in all of this and that is, some things will happen no matter what. I will also go thru periods in which I will have no future memories for months. I have learned to treasure those moments. Its the few times I have when Im like everyone else! Dont get me wrong, this gift has given me the chance to live thru events that continue to make it all worth it. But I have struggled thru many hard times alone and I guess all Im saying is that it might have been easier if only I could have let someone into my world. The only world I have ever known. I do get a lot of satisfaction when I can make life easier for those I love. For the most part people never even suspected Ive interacted enough to change or even stop a tragic event that would have otherwise happened. Sometimes its just a matter of stalling someone for just ten minutes, enough for them to miss an appointment. This happened with Kimberlis parents. They completely missed hitting a deer and causing them to loss control of their car. The same deer runs across the same highway but they never had to avoid it. On this day Kimberli and I saved her parents without anyone but me knowing. I wish I could have told Kimberli just this one time but it just wouldnt work. There are times however when I tried giving people clues or hints. During my marriage to Joan, she and I were driving to visit her family. Apparently her Uncle Sonny had given my then mother-in-law a new dog. I turned to Joan and told her the name of the dog; even though there was no way I should have known. Sure enough within seconds of entering the house my wife asked the name of the dog. When her uncle said Ruffles there was a look on her face that I wish I could have taken a picture of. She simply couldnt speak. Her mom kept saying What?,What? When she finally explained, they all just shook their heads. They kept asking me how I knew. I finally just said it was pure luck. What else could I say? Oh, its

because Ive already lived this life before. No, I didnt see the point in going there. Once I even tried to confront my father about some of his shortcomings. Lets just say it didnt work. I will always love my dad but I have learned in this life and others that he is very strong willed. Money would never mean much to him. Saving for the future will always be nothing more than something others do with their money. In every life my dad teaches me many things. Even with all his weakness he has always been a good man, with a great heart. And around the same time for reasons I may never know he finally breaks free of his demons and becomes a better man. He continues to show me through his actions the golden rule. Treat people the way you want to be treated. And perhaps the best lessons of all, there are just some things I cant change. My father was handing down what he had learned from his father. Now grandfather would sit with me and tell me stories of his life. Hed said. Life is like a giant wheel. Moving ever so slowly but moving still. Before you know it the wheel has almost come full circle. I always loved when he tells me that. And he was absolutely correct. He was a very wise man my grandfather. If there was ever one person who I found it hardest not to tell, it was he. Not being able to tell anyone of what I was able to see will always be one of the worst parts in all of this. There would be one time however when I tried to let someone in on my secret. On the night of Jan. 11th 1974, I would attempt to tell my grandfather. He was the head Indian chief of our clan. There was a gathering at my Aunts house on this night. There I sat like so many times before. Sitting and listening to my grandfathers every word. And like so many times before I was the last one sitting before him. Now my dear old grandfather liked a lot of things. One was his love affair with whiskey. He absolutely loved whiskey. During the course of his story telling, it wasnt unusual for him to have a shot or two during his tails of adventure. On this night he and I stayed up well past everyone else. Most of my cousins were asleep. My grandfather would often give me a chance to question him. It was great because it was now my opportunity to pick the mind of a

truly great man. My grandfather and I had a wonderful relationship. On this night I was all of fourteen. There was so much I wanted to tell him but I had to be careful. He had been drinking which could work in my favor. I looked up at the kitchen wall clock and it was 12:34 a.m. Grandfather would soon be back from the bathroom. My dad was in the dining room playing cards with my uncles and aunts. They absolutely loved playing cards. If gambling is something that can be inherited then I definitely got it from them. The lights were a little dimmer and for the most part the voices were quieter too. I got up and grabbed another beer for grandfather so it would be waiting for him. As he sat down I handed it to him. With a big grin on his face he saw the beer and thanked me. He was getting settled in and I could tell he was getting ready for yet another story. Before he began I stopped him and asked, Do you believe in reincarnation? It took him a moment or two but he looked at me and said No. He continued by saying in a nutshell that it was impossible and its not in Gods plan. I then asked him if he believed in fortune tellers. And again he said No. He then went on to tell me the time he encountered a traveling miracle worker. Back in the 1930s folks would set up huge tents out in the middle of nowhere and begin preaching the word of God. It was actually very interesting to hear stories like that. I know things like that really did happen, especially in the south. Who am I to say it never happened? Grandfather went on to say how in an hours time this man of God healed some twenty people. Said this man wore round dark glasses the whole time. At some point or another theyd pass the hat around. Most people in those days had very little, but what they all had plenty of was faith. And they would give their very last dime to receive that miracle. Grandfather? I asked. Are you saying all of the miracles that day were phony? Surprisingly he said No. He went on to explain that these people would have many sermons during the day. He remembers that after such a sermon he went out for some air. He was witness to something that only proved his theory. There he saw in the back of the tent were two men. One was the preacher and the

other man had been walking with the help of crouches the whole morning. But now he seems perfectly fine without them. During the very next sermon that same crippled man was then apparently healed. Grandfather remembers the man throwing his crutches into the audience. Grandfather never told anyone what he had seen, he also never went back. He told me the human mind is a funny thing. People will not always think with their minds but with their hearts. Everyone does it, its who we are. My grandfather always said things like that. But as usual no one else was around to hear it. I had thoughts of just dropping my intentions, but not just yet. So I went on. Grandfather, sometimes I have thoughts of things that havent happened yet. Is that normal? Do you believe me? He answered without missing a beat. He said. Its perfectly normal. Its called Dj vu. I have no answer why it happens. You have to remember man only uses a small percentage of the brain. What my grandfather was saying gave me hope. Hope that he could accept my fate and therefore help me find some answers! So I went on to say, Then perhaps what Im going through is the direct result of a part of my brain that Im able to use. That comment left my grandfather with kind of a blank stare. He then reached over and grabbed the bottle of whiskey. Just as he pulled it over to him, my Aunt Jenny looked over at him and said. Daddy, you know youre to watch your drinking. Remember what your doctor said. He then looked over at me and winked as he replied, I remember my dear, I remember. With that, he continued to pour himself a shot. And like clockwork, he asked me if I wanted one? And like clockwork, my father looked over at me, just waiting for me to accept. And again, I declined. One day I would join my dear grandfather with some spirits. But on this night I had no desires to. On this night all I wanted to do was tell my grandfather, but I knew what I was going through was not dj vu. Still, it would be a way to at least pick his brain. So what do you think? I persisted. Am I using a part of my brain that most people dont use? Perhaps. Now let me ask you a question. He said. Do you know my future?

Sometimes. I replied. My grandfather then poured himself another shot. We were both sitting across the coffee table from each other. He quietly took the shot and then said in a very quiet voiceWhat do you see? I told him that one day I see you holding my baby daughter. Tell me more. What else do you see? Nothing I said quickly. No, theres more youre not telling me. I found myself getting into areas that might do more harm than good. You see, my grandfather was correct. There was more. But even I couldnt tell him exactly what I knew. Because I really didnt know more, it was more of an overall general feeling of sadness, no details. With few exceptions, details usually come when an event is about to happen. Ive been receiving future memories about my grandfather for a few years now, but at this point their nothing more than quick snapshots. The only thing Im really sure of is the year, 1976. Something important happens then, but thats still two years away. I truly believe grandfather has two different destinies just like me. Perhaps he knows more than hes been letting on. Perhaps in two years things will change and he will need to know, but at this time I see no reason for him to know anymore. And so I looked right into his eyes and lied. Trust me, grandfather. Thats all I know now. And with that we both leaned back into our chairs. So you believe me? I asked. He leaned over the table and whispered, If you truly believe this then I believe you. His words that night stayed with me for years to come. Was he telling me all he knew? Perhaps, perhaps not. I know that I wasnt being totally honest with him that night so long ago. At least he didnt laugh at me or get upset. In his own way, regardless of the situation he told me he was on my side. I suppose that was enough. Little did I know at that precise moment my grandfather and I would be enjoying more moments together. I would never again bring up my future thoughts to him. By the time I realized his true second destiny it would be far more important to act on it rather than explain. Now, as far as my acceptance in all of this? One can look at this from many directions, I choose the following two. Logically, this makes no sense at all. Therefore a logical solution is of

no help. Believe me when I say I have spent lifetimes trying to bring some sort of logic into the mix. I think Ive chosen more times than not to leave logic out. It can and has lead to dark places. The other direction and the one that feels better is acceptance without questions, spreading love and enjoying moments again and again. Now I can sit here and say, I dont accept any of this but you see I have to. At the end of the day and of each life I always just have to accept the moment. For what it is or what it isnt I survive each day living moment to moment. In writing my stories, I have chosen to not use chapters as a guideline for time. Therefore each chapter or story may or may not precede the one prior. In that way it kind of falls in line with the way my life plays out. However looking at the big picture can be a bit more frightening. For example, I sometimes remember my own mortality. I remember driving along a beach and I get hit by another car. One time I was hiking alone. Then I see myself climbing the side of a mountain. I was in big trouble above the rocks below. No one was with me and then I remember just falling. I felt young in both lives. The one death that still stands above all the rest when it comes to dramatics is the time I find myself in a garbage truck! I was hiding and simply chose the wrong place. Perhaps the person or persons who were looking for me had an idea I was hiding there. All I remember was that I was trying to be as quiet as possible and then I heard the button being pushed. I could hear the loud roar from the engine. The debris was everywhere, I was at first swimming in it and then the walls grew closer with each second that passed. There was still time for me to get out but if I tried I would be found for sure. So there I laid and watched my confines grow smaller and darker then the moment before. His face looking down on me was the last moment on earth I remember. And then as always I awake only to find myself back on earth once again. Sometimes Im very young and other times not so. Then the struggles and victories begin all over again. And again Im given the chance to love all those I have long since missed. They will always have a place in the cosmos of my very being.

Here Again
Chapter 4 Man of A Thousand Stories

The summer of 1976 is always a hit or miss situation. In that, I dont always receive enough information in order to do what I believe will be the right thing to do. During this present life I wasnt so fortunate. My life before this one was completely opposite, thus the beginning of the only other destiny that Ive ever known. Living in Southern California with my high school sweetheart Kimberli and our daughter Emily. In our lives I believe there are but a few times when such a small decision can completely changes everything. But in order to fully understand my reasons I have to take you back even further. It begins with my grandfather, who was the first hero Id ever known. Years later my own father would replace that honor. However as a young boy all I knew was that grandfather spoiled us all like no other. When my kid brother Morris first began to talk he couldnt say grandpa, just gramma. So hed always say; Gramma and gramma are coming! Funny how memories work, I hadnt thought of that in forty years. By the time I come into this world my grandparents are just beginning to settle down into their golden years. Having raised seven children, its only been a few years since the last has left the nest. Grandfather was able to retire early due to a work related accident. His

right arm got caught in a machine and there was a lot of nerve damage. So for as long as I can remember he always had this handicap. There are times when I wish I could return twenty years sooner, perhaps I could be there to stop the accident. Ive even taken the time to gather as much information about the accident just in case that was to ever happen. Still to my recollection its always the same. But getting back to my grandfather, his handicap never stopped him from doing everyday things. Driving, gardening, you name it. He would always find a way to get things done. Watching him shuffle a deck of cards with one hand was a sight to be seen. In his memory I sometimes practice it myself. As a kid watching him do this he reminded me of a magician. All of us kids always looked forward to seeing our grandparents. As we all grow older our grandparents take on a whole other meaning. When were kids, theyre kind of like Santa Claus or your birthday. They bring gifts and tickle and try to make you laugh. My grandfather used to call me and my brother hound dog. Unfortunately I was never able to grasp a second language. In my household English was what my siblings and I spoke. Even though both parents mastered both Spanish and English, we were not so lucky. Its unfortunate because my dear sweet gramma could not speak English. Just a few words here and there but that didnt stop any of us from trying to talk to her and vice versa. It got to the point when I knew what she was saying just by watching her body motion or the tone of her voice, that sort of thing. Perhaps I was just a bit closer to my grandfather because he was able to speak English. With every life I have had, one thing remains the same, my grandfathers way of telling a story. Were all of his stories completely true? Who will ever really know for sure? As for me, every word he spoke couldnt be anything but the truth. He talked of his life and the world he once knew.

Grandfather was born in Sweetwater Texas on Nov. 2, 1903. He was the son of the town musician. Grandfather had a rough life early on. He and his older sister found themselves orphans at an early age. She ended up raising him. I am lucky enough to meet her twice. During the Great Depression my grandparents migrated to the west. Looking for work at a time in our countrys history in which most of us can only imagine how hard it must have been. Grandfather packed everything they owned and off in his old Ford they went. They finally settled in the California valley, Tulare to be exact. Sometime around the early 1950s they settled in Fresno. To this day bits of the clan can still be found there. My grandfather was the cornerstone of the clan and what the family stood for over the next twenty years or so was breathtaking. Ill always be proud to come from such a truly beautiful family. I was of the generation that saw a glimpse of how it once was and the beginning of the end of that era. From an early age I am always mesmerized by my grandfathers presents. I remember just having him talk to me was an honor. He was a big man. Around 62. With each visit hed bring with him new stories to tell. All of us kids would gather round him to listen. I was always the closest to him; I didnt want to miss a word! However as one story lead to another and then another, my siblings or cousins would begin to drop off, one by one. It never failed, I was always the only one left to hear his last story. As the years went by his stories began to take on a different meaning to me. He no longer had as many listening to his words. By now the stories have already begun to repeat themselves and sometimes grandfather forgets things. But his voice is still strong and his eyes can still look right through a person. No it was no longer about the stories. This was about love. I always feel closest to him as I grow older. Because of what I am going thru myself, I know what it is like to want to go back and relive the good times. The only difference is that I

have no choice in the matter and I realize that upon returning one has to deal with everything, not just the good times. Still it is sad to see him yearn for his youth. We are very close to one another and he is the only person I felt close enough to let in on my secret. The summer of 1976 was a busy one. It always begins the same. My brother and I are now living in Fresno and Ive just completed 11th grade. Ive met some really nice people there at Roosevelt high and am looking forward to going back there for my last year. As for now I have the whole summer to look forward to. The first event coming up, Ive been asked to be in my cousins wedding. It would be a formal wedding. An extremely beautiful cathedral was the setting. It was the first wedding I would be in and would be the first time Id wear a tuxedo. This time around Im not going to rent a lime green tux. Years later Id always regret that mistake! Nope, this time Im insisting to my cousin that all the guys wear basic black. At first my cousin would have no part of it. Lime was her favorite color and that was all there was to it. I told her the bridesmaids dress looked good but we guys looked like a bunch of limes! I finally convinced her that by wearing black tuxedos we would still match the lime dresses. As far as the destiny I saw for my cousin who was getting married. I knew this marriage would not last long but I also remember the son she would one day have with this man. This son will be the sunshine of her life. Without this marriage they will never have him. This wedding must go on regardless of what I know. The ceremony took place on a glorious Saturday afternoon in July. With most of the summer still ahead I decided to stay with my grandparents for a bit. There was always someone visiting them. Relatives from Texas were there often. I didnt mind. I could work on my broken Spanish. It wasnt until the third week or so when the visits started

tapering off. Before we knew it, it was just me and my grandparents. It was great being there. I have my own room, the weather is awesome and from their house its just a short walk to the beach. The morning was always busy. There was no sleeping in, in that house. After breakfast Id help my grandfather in his garden. Years later Id have my own garden and one day my very own grandchildren will eat the fruits from it. The summer of 1976 and my visit are coming to an end. It is a summer in which I have to make yet another destiny changing decision. This decision will forever change the direction of my life as well as the lives of my grandparents. And so two days before Im to catch a ride back to Fresno my grandfather has a question for me. Would I consider living there with them? In the fall I could enroll at the local high school and graduate from there as oppose to the new school I had just come from. Without hesitation I accepted. My father wasnt too thrilled about my choice. He felt that my grandparents were too old to have me there. I told him it was for the best and that this would make them both very happy. Before too long my dad just accepted the fact that I was going to live with them at least for the next year and that was that. Making this choice meant everything. However now I would no longer be in the same places that I would have been if I had chosen not to stay with them. This meant I would not begin my first real job which in turn was how I met my first wife Joan, in my other destiny. Never meeting Joan meant I would not have the sons that I would otherwise have had. It could also mean I would have to give up ever meeting my forever true love Lisa. I would be lying if I said this was an easy decision. Why must it always come down to this? For a brief moment I played with the idea of having my cake and eating it too. If I stay here than I can always go

back to the bay area and bring Kimberli back here with me. But what if I never go and get her? What if this time around I never marry either Kimberli or Joan? I stay single until I meet my true love in 1994. But then that would also mean I would not see my daughter Emily for at least another lifetime. Can I bear to be without her again? Can I risk changing my life that much over that long period of time? I have memories of what happens if I dont stay there. I simply cant let that happen again! So in the fall of 1976 I began attending Carlsbad high school. I had a full life that year. Made friends at the new school and because I already had cousins living in the area, that made it easier for me to hang out with them and their friends. Timing is everything!! So even though I was living with my grandparents, in the back of my mind I was already living out the next twenty years. I still had a little over a year to decide. In a nutshell I have to be in the exact same place and time if Kimberli and I are to begin a relationship. April 11, 1978 to be exact. That meeting must take place in order for us to begin our relationship. If that meeting doesnt take place then I have no daughter, no Emily. Emily loved life, how can I do that to her? Spending that year with my grandparents is always a highlight of this life. I was able to share times with them like I never had before. Just sitting around the table or watching TV. Everything felt right. And each night after our favorite programs were over, my grandfather would sit and tell me of how life was when he was my age. And there Id sit holding on to his every word, even if I had heard them so many times before. The decision I made was the right one. My grandfather was full of life. Perhaps with me being there reminded him of my dad. The choice to stay there has begun a series of yet more choices to make. And again not all were easy ones. During my visit, gramma would be spending the holidays with family in L.A. and Fresno. Grandfather and I knew that could mean her being gone for a month, perhaps longer. My

mother had made plans to have us all together (my siblings and I) for Christmas. The time for another hard choice was upon me. Do I leave grandfather alone and disappoint my mom? I have memories of spending the holidays with grandfather. I want so badly to relive that. And like so many times before, I choose to stay the course. Choosing unknown destinies can make things worse, so I explained to my mom that I simply didnt want grandfather to spend Christmas alone. My mom didnt understand and once again I couldnt tell her the real reasons. I couldnt, it was essential that he not be left alone! Christmas 1976 will be one I will never forget. Christmas is now two weeks away and my aunt Jenny will be driving my gramma back with her to Fresno this morning. We havent gotten a tree yet. Grandfather says its too soon. He and I will cut one down soon. Having my drivers license enables me to run errands for them. Yep, I find myself driving my grandfathers beige 1963 Chevy four door. Its so cool. Years back he had an 8-track system installed. Under the drivers seat there sits his little 8-track holder. There youll find all his favorites. Dean Martin, Buck Owens, and even some Ray Charles! Its funny and Im not quite sure why but I have a strong feeling that in a very short time the next phase of technology will arrive and therefore will make all of these toys obsolete. These feelings I receive more often as time passes. I can only guess how fast things will truly be by the 1990s. But getting back to the story. Already knowing some of my cousins friends has made my senior year a great one. There have been a couple of girls that Ive been introduced to. The hard part about knowing ones future is to know how far to indulge in any given situation. Ive taken this one girl out a couple of times; she goes by the nickname of Pee Wee. Shes fun to be around but I have to always stay focused. I cant fall in love with someone else until I decide what to do about this destiny. I

still havent decided if Im going to begin a life with Kimberli or wait 18 more years to meet my Lisa. With so many things to think about, right now I only want to enjoy the present. The time: 7:15 p.m. The date: December 24, 1976. Grandfather and I have just finished the dinner dishes. We had everything you could think of. I had forgotten what a great cook he was. That must be where I get my talents from. Most of the family is in Fresno. A few older cousins have decided to stay in the area and mentioned to keep a light on for them. A Christmas Eve visit might be at hand. It would be one I would not soon forget, in this or any lifetime. With just a few dishes left I went over to the TV to see what was on this Christmas Eve. Nothing made me happier to see that the one the only Lawrence Welk had a Christmas special on tonight. Only those extremely close to me can ever understand how much this means to me. Sitting with my grandfather watching Lawrence Welk was simply a touch of heaven for me. Whenever Id go visit my grandparents this was one my grandfathers favorite programs. It didnt matter who was visiting, hed sit in his favorite green recliner and watch it until the very last notes were played. At first I wasnt a big fan of Mr. Welk. But somewhere along the way I found the music soothing. After a while it wasnt about the program at all, it was just being with grandfather. Years later I can be found watching forty year old reruns of the show. Mostly I watch the show by myself. Once I was able to keep my grand-daughter watching with me for a good twenty seconds. But you know deep down Im never really alone when I watch that old show, grandfather is always there. Right after the dishes were done I could hear Grandfather shuffling things around. I knew what he was up to but this was one of those occasions when I had to play along. With only the lights from the TV and tree there marched in grandfather. There he

stood, holding a platter with two shot glasses and a bottle of forty-five year old scotch. At this point Im 19 and have never really gotten drunk. I couldnt think of a better time than now. So there we sat. With the sounds of Christmas in the air, the two of us getting pretty smashed! Now from the start I knew there would be no way in hell to drink more than grandfather. Just keeping up with him would be hard enough. All I was trying to do was have a good time without having to throw up. At some point, I brought out my guitar and played grandfather a few rock n roll tunes. He absolutely loved it. This Christmas was turning out better than I ever remembered. A far cry from my other destiny. I dont remember any dates per say. I have visions like snapshots what could have been. Since I dont have any sense of time I can only assume the possibility is still patiently waiting out there. Like a hungry wolf waiting for its prey. I see myself answering a phone call. I was at work; my mom was on the other line. It was bad news. I can see and feel myself crying. Since I dont have a job now this vision is obviously still in my future. But I dont know if the job is here or back in the bay area. The whole job thing I find confusing because regardless of where I live I plan on completing my last year of school. I cant see why I would not ever do that! The next snapshot I see is the whole family standing at the gravesite. Everyones there but grandfather. Then the snapshots begin to come at me like bullets. I find myself in a garage. Its very dark now. My grandfathers car is next to me. I can feel the cold metal on my arm. I hear music in the background, its not very clear. Almost sounds like a small town picnic band. I then hear a voice, theres someone in the car. But I cant see who it is. I find that I cant move at all. I am no longer able to talk. I then have this desperate feeling; I want so very much to be able to turn on a light. Who is in the car? Now Im back on the phone with my mom. Again, its playing out

like an old record. And again, Im crying. Im now leaving my job. As I jump into my car in an instant I find myself back in the cold darkness of my grandfathers garage. Im now inside the car. Im alone. The motor is running and I can smell the fumes. The music is now so much louder than before. I can move this time but the doors are locked and I am unable to open them. I then see emergency lights. I hear cries. I can feel broken hearts. This is why I have chosen to stay near grandfather. I was in his car, in his garage. I have to believe that for whatever reasons my grandfather will take his own life. I also have memories of my grandfather holding up our daughter Emily. This gives me hope. Not only did my grandfather and I enjoy one of the best Christmas but we have enjoyed many more since. I did end up living with my grandparents for the next two years. And I did come back for Kimberli. Upon graduating from college, she and I did marry and soon had our baby girl Emily. We settled in Oceanside near Grandfather. He and Emily were like two peas in a pod. Even though this destiny holds plenty of challenges, I feel good knowing that this direction has given my grandfather more time. More time to be happy. More time for all of us. Years later when grandfather did leave us it felt like it was time. He was ready to go. He had lived well beyond his first destiny. He saw my daughter at her 7th birthday. It would be the last birthday and in many ways the most special. By then we all knew the cancer would soon overtake his body. We have film of that day and to see his smile when Emily blew out the candles for the last time was priceless. Dear Grandfather, I miss you and the many stories that I never tire of. I can hardly wait to hear them all over again. Love, your one and only hound dog.

Here Again
Chapter 5 The Party

The Party is in reference to a very important crossroad in

my life. It is a crossroad in which I have already begun to alter. This choice alone was difficult because I know once the wheels begin to turn Ill never be able to go back. That is to say in this lifetime! Yes, this change in my life holds the keys to unlocking my destinies which will eventually mark the beginnings of me being a husband and then a father. You see, the party is in regards to my first wifes 17th birthday. And now just a little background on how this comes about. During the spring of 1981, one of my co-workers was having a party for a cousin. At the time I really didnt know Matt that well but it was a small company. Most of the workers were young, just out of high school. The invitations were being passed out, another friend who worked there also received one and he would be the excuse Id use for going. I have had both success and failures in regards to changing destinies. This party represents the one and only change Ill ever make that would have direct consequences to me. As far as I can tell Im still convinced that I only have two real destinies. I also believe that in one of my lives I did everything completely different only to discover that in the end I was again greeted by my final and third love of my life. Knowing that gives me hope, hope that if everything I do does go astray then perhaps Ill always be somehow destined to at least end my life the same way. So by going to this party means I meet my first wife, Joan. In all honesty I married a great person and was glad she was the mother to our children. But the bottom line was that we were simply too young and our marriage was doomed from the beginning. Just two months prior to our wedding date we were struck by a series of unexpected events. I was

once again reminded that my future thoughts dont always come my way. And once again all I can do is try to remember these events so I can prevent them during my next life. Depression set in and our sweet honeymoon was under the shadows of this dark cloud. Until the weight was more than either of us could support. Joan, just barely out of high school and I but a few years older. Our marriage lasted nine years and we have two sons. From them I see many grandchildren. I adore them all. Ive often wondered how I could somehow derail the breakup. Is it even possible? Will the bad luck always be waiting for us? Is my first marriage always destined to end the same way? Too many questions and not enough answers. It is now 1981 and much too late to go back to my only other destiny. In my other destiny I am already with Kimberli and although I still receive the invitation I am quick to announce that she and I have other plans. I would never receive a call from Rick the day of the party. In my other life we married young and had a baby girl soon afterward; we named her Emily after her grandmother. Emily Denise Yanez. But then things go astray. I will always love that life and the memories. Their love still lives inside of me. But during that life I missed this one! I missed my sons. I missed my forever true love. So in this life I have decided to go to the party. One can never have everything and so I will sorely miss my daughter Emily but I can now look forward to a marriage that hopefully will last a lifetime. Perhaps one day I will be able to have all my children in the same lifetime. But as of now, I have not been able to make that a reality. I am going to try something Ive never tried before and that is to meet Joan but not get involved with her for another three years. I would try to just be a friend and then hope she doesnt meet someone else. I feel that once I begin this process I might trigger what could be a third destiny. With that said I will try to keep things as much the same from what I remember. In my last life I remember taking my nephews for a hike. They were just little guys. Both were under ten. Lots of energy, which they would need in order to keep up with me. I loved hiking. I did everything as planned. I spent

most of this day with the boys and then I go home. And just like clockwork my friend Rick calls. With high school now behind me I started working for this company. I was able to get a few of my high school friends jobs there as well. Rick had also been invited to this party and he was calling in order to talk me into going. So in trying to keep things the same as much as possible, I at first say no to even going and in a short time I would agree. There ended up being quite a bit of us going, at least eight others. The way this night plays out is Rick ends up getting my future wifes phone number along with promises of a first date. As weird as it sounds, I have to let this happen in order for her and me to end up with each other. But this is where things will be different. Keeping my distance once Joan and Rick begins going out will be my biggest move and challenge. So the answer was pretty simple, all I had to do was stay away. Perhaps our marriage would then stand a better chance. And since we didnt have our sons until our fifth anniversary, we could still have our sons in our future. Its the best I can think of. Otherwise how else can I enter a marriage in which I know is destined in fail? And again the same questions begin to come up. Why not use this gift? If theres even a slight chance to make things better? Why not? As we entered the party I was once again thrown back by what I saw. Seeing people for the first time in this life but yet still having the memories of them in my last was just weird. And once again I have to pretend Im meeting them all for the first time. This time around it involved my future in-laws, mostly first cousins. As usual I find it difficult to let things run their course and am always looking for ways to better my destinies. So as I entered the evening my mind was already in full gear to change things up a bit. One of the future memories I have is one day Joan explains to me precisely when she fell in love with me. I was asked to play guitar for her that night and that was all it took. This time I simply will not repeat history. When Rick comes looking for me to play Joan a birthday song, Ill be anywhere but there. The music at the party was loud! Upon entering the room the music hit use like a freight train. Not sure but perhaps Black Sabbath. It

was nothing one could dance to. Sorry Ozzy. With most of the neighborhood attending, there wasnt much of a chance anyone would be calling the police. This didnt leave me with the best of feelings for my safety. Now Im not one to judge a book by its cover but some of these characters looked a little shady. Tattoos, scares, not to mention they could kick my ass with one hand and hold their beer in the other. Now lets talk about the guys, they were even scarier. It was a rough crowd in a rough part of town. I didnt have any future memories of getting hurt on this night so after awhile I began to calm down. Of course I was changing things on this night. The domino effect was always in the back of my mind. The party was now in full gear! Although I would one day acquirer the taste for the spirits I was always a late bloomer. On this night I only had one beer. So far Id been spending my time playing cards with some co-workers that had also been invited. The place was packed and the voices of a hundred people all talking at the same time sounded like a storm. Like so many times before I found myself staring at all those that didnt know me yet. Looking at them all and none of them have a clue. I must admit it was a bit unfair but there was nothing I could do about that. The one person I wasnt going to stare at was Joan. The last thing I need is to bring any attention to myself. As far as shes concerned I dont think she has even noticed me, this was a good thing. Just then I heard Ricks voice calling for me. He didnt know where I was and with that I got up. As I was moving thru the crowd I saw him and actually hide behind two girls while he walked right past. Then I saw Joan holding a guitar. It belonged to her brother Paul. I knew what they were up to and had to get out quick! It was funny because Joan hadnt been introduced to me yet so in my escape she walked right past me. Still I didnt look at her. I was out the door and made myself scares for the next hour. There were plenty of people hanging around outside and so it was easy for me to blend in. From outside I could still hear Ricks voice calling for me. Just then a police car turned onto the block and began coming our way. Then a voice from the crowd said, We better all go back to the party. Cops dont like us hanging out. I

must admit, there were quite a few partiers hanging out. So with the cop car slowly approaching I had to make a decision. I knew if I went back inside now Rick would surely find me. No I couldnt go in. Then I thought, wheres the van we all drove in? Hell, Ill just hide in there for a bit. As I headed toward the van the police spotted me. I was desperately trying to open the god damn door. All of the doors were locked!! Now Ive got this fucking flashlight pointing my way. And then the deep voice, Hey you, over by the van. Is that your vehicle? As I rolled my eyes I kept thinking of the domino effect. Have I changed things enough already and now Im going to jail? Maybe its just me but that didnt seem fair. No sir. I politely replied. This is my friends van and my ride. I was just putting my shirt in the van but it looks like Ill have to get the keys from my friend. And then the officer said. All right then. We just need everyone to stay inside. Please remind whos ever running the show to end this thing by 12:30. Yes sir. With them still watching us all go back in, I walked at the end of the crowd. I still had no intentions of going back into the party. Sure enough, by the time everyone was back in, the cops were gone. I walked back to the street and decided to walk to a little market I remembered seeing on the way over. Once there Ill get a few goodies and that will buy me at least another hour. By then hopefully Rick will be ready to leave. I think its a few blocks this way. There was a full moon which was great because most of the streetlights were not working. I thought that was kind of odd. Why would a city allow that to happen? Oh well. With every step I took the sounds of the party grew more silent. It was a bit cold so I had both hands in my pocket. I had been looking down, which was not a good thing because someone had put out their trash can right in the middle of the sidewalk. When my foot kicked the can it was like an explosion. I fell to the ground but not before I bounced off the can itself. Bouncing off the can wasnt bad, but when I hit the ground my knee landed on something and it hurt like hell. I also injured the right side of my head. I dont feel any blood yet, just pain. Then the sounds of many dogs barking filled the night air. Dogs that until then were sound asleep. None of them minded at all that I was walking quietly just

a moment ago, now they all wanted my blood. I panicked. I ran, or should I say hobbled away as fast as I could. But I was hobbling in the wrong direction. I had to find a way back to the party. I could swear there were a couple dogs on the loose. They could smell my blood!! Then I heard a voice saying Stop! Come back here Oh my god! Now someones yelling at me. Just then I saw the front end of the police car. The sounds of the dogs were getting louder and louder. There had to be at least a dozen of them!! As I looked back it was dark but I could see the pack coming up from behind me. They were a half block from me and charging!! There was only two streetlights working but it was enough for me to see I would soon be dead. I couldnt believe it, just because I didnt play guitar now Ill be eaten by a pack of wild vicious dogs. Just then I could see the headlights from what looked like a police car. I knew I had to rise above the pain. I had to make one last dash for the police car. There was nowhere to hide and time was running out, it was my only hope for survival. Even though the patrol car was already driving towards me they were still at least five houses down. They were not even driving all that fast. I thought. Its now or never. As I limped down in the middle of the street I was now clutching on to my right leg. The sounds of the wolves grew louder with every hobble. I dare not look back, there wasnt enough time, and I had to get to the cops! Perhaps if theres time theyll be able to shot a couple of them. I was now about fifty feet from the car and I could see the flashing patrol light. Thank god, they see me! Im saved. But just then I could feel one of the wolves tugging at my pant leg. Oh my god!! They caught me! It was enough for me to fall to the ground. In minutes they were all over me! I kept my eyes shut and arms over my head. I could feel them all over me. The sharp teeth and claws. Then I heard the sounds of the police getting out of their car. Why werent they shooting at these beasts? I know, they cant risk shooting me by mistake. Thats it. That must be it. Oh God in heaven please get them off me. Then I heard a voice and then a whistle. Come on boy, over here now. Within seconds the many beasts were off me. As I slowly opened my eyes I found myself in the middle of the pack. With the headlights still

shinning on all of us I could clearly see; an old hound dog, not one but two Mexican Chihuahuas, a Winnie dog and what now looked to be a golden lab pup. As one of the officers helped me get back on my feet I noticed it was the same officer I had met earlier that night. So, we meet again. He said. Are you o.k.? Looks like you took one hell of a fall. You should get someone to take a look at that leg and your head as well. The hospitals just a block from here, let me give you a lift. Oh no, Ill be alright. Ill have my friend drive me there. Thanks just the same. Well, we can at least give you a ride back to the party. Within minutes I found myself back at the party. And again there was another crowd hanging outside. This time Rick was among them. As the police car pulled up Rick and just about everyone else saw me get out of the car. And before I had a chance to say anything there was Rick. Where the hell have you been? Ive been looking all over for you. He just went on and on. Then finally he noticed my leg and head and said. Wow, your bleeding. All of a sudden Rick turned into a drunken version of Florence Nightingale. O.K. everyone move aside. I thought, move aside? My friends been hurt. Really Rick, Im o.k. I just slipped. Ill be alright. Rick was now on a quest. As he rushed me back into the party he kept pushing people out of the way. Now the thing I was trying to avoid was now staring me right in the face. All eyes were on me, including Joans. Sure enough Joan also came to my aid. This was bad! I thought. Joan looked at me and said. So youre Bob. Oh my god, now she knows my name. This is all going wrong. I thought. Yep Im Bob, the one and only. She then laughed. Great, now Im making her laugh. Not good. Here, lets get you a towel. We need to see how bad your injuries are. So what happened? She asked. Oh I went out to get some air and slipped on something. As I cleaned my wounds the scratch on my head wasnt serious but my knee was still killing me. I could hear Joan telling Rick that I needed to go to the hospital and have my knee looked at. I then heard her offer to take me. I couldnt let this happen. Whether I go home or to the hospital, Joan cant be a part of this. Once I got cleaned up a bit I told Rick to take me home. He informed me that Joan had offered to take me to the hospital. As he told

me this he winked at me. Why did he wink at me? I thought. Just then it hit me. He had no interest in Joan on this night. He in fact wanted to stay because he had interest in Joans cousin Jill. What have I done now? No rick, please just take me home. He then told me he would but for me to give him a minute. I agreed and sure enough I saw him exchange phone numbers with Jill. Joan was nowhere to be found when we left. On the drive back I kept bring up Joan and how I thought her and him would make a great couple. He kept shaking his head. Nope, I like Jill. I think shes hot. But Joan seems more your type. What the fuck is that suppose to mean? He shouted back. I just mean Joan seems to like you. It was the only thing I could think to say. Sure enough he bought it. Rick was a good friend and it wasnt his fault my plan had all gone to hell. Still I couldnt give up. Rick had a good heart, thats for sure. He kept insisting to drive me to the hospital but I was able to convince him it wasnt needed. The injury ended up being a bruised kneecap. Not much can be done for that. Just stay off it for a few days. After a week or so I was as good as new. Man its nice being twenty-two again. That following Saturday I once again received a call from Rick. This time he was asking me to go on a double-date with Jill and Joan. They thought her and I would make a nice couple. Now if this didnt beat all. I do have future memories of the double-date, however Rick was with Joan and I was with Jill. Just once I wish Rick wasnt behind the wheel every time I reach a crossroad. Well, not this time. Tonight Im staying home and thats all there is to it. I know that if Joan and I are on a date theres always that chance that she can still fall in love with me. Even though Ive already slightly changed some events, that still may not be enough. There was absolutely no way I was going to do that, I couldnt chance it. Rick was on the phone with me for at least a half hour. I decided to just lie right from the start and stick to it. I figured even Rick would understand me not going. So after a half hour he gave in and said hed try another friend of ours, Ken. Right after he hung up I imagined for a brief moment Joan and Ken having babies and what they would

look like. Ken wore very thick glasses, I mean thick! Plus he was always the guy in the group that had weed. So the picture in my head was kind of scary. My plan at this point was to give the lovebirds a month or two alone. Knowing Rick this relationship will only last at best two months. He didnt have a good track record when it came to relationships. Hopefully theyll still be friends. If they are then I can still find out what shes up to over the next two or three years and then Ill make my move. Exactly what move that is, I havent a clue? But at this point in time I cant worry about that now. Besides, I have a few years to think up something. Right now Im going to have a nice quiet evening. Maybe play some guitar; yeah thats what Ill do. Over the next couple hours I played to my hearts content. It seems that in every life I play an instrument. I can remember sitting down in front of a piano. There is a small stage and I cant see the audience. I can see the edge of the stage. The flickering of candles, all lined up like little soldiers. I have seen this future memory more than once but its never for more than a few seconds. Then its gone. Thru-out this life I have tried numerous times to learn how to play the piano. In high school I took lessons but I just couldnt do it. Perhaps this is something I will learn at a later age. Only time will tell. Just then I heard knocking on my front door. I quickly put the guitar down and tip-toed to the door. Damn it!! It was Rick. He was not only pounding on my door but calling my name out as well. I could hear him say, Hes up, I just heard him playing guitar. I thought. What a clod! Just then Joan said. No maybe wed better go. But Rick would have none of that. So he continued to pound on my door at 10:30. I had no choice; otherwise it was just a matter of time before one of my neighbors complained. So I finally answered the door and let them in. Apparently Ken was a no show that night. They were coming back from the movies and wanted to see if I wanted to go with them for a bit. I told them my knee was still sore but thanked them just the same. I was being nice but tried not to overdo it. Knowing Rick, I realized they were not leaving right away so I just had to deal with this situation the best I could. I asked them to have a seat and before I knew it Rick was going thru my kitchen. Hey, ya got anything to eat in this

place? I replied. Nope, not a thing. I was hoping that would be enough reason for them to leave. Instead Rick picked up the phone and called to have a pizza delivered. So it now became obvious that I was on a double date whether I wanted to or not. I just kept telling myself; dont look into her eyes when talking to her. And try not to smile. So for the next two hours we ate, drank a little wine and watched TV. Actually even though this was not how I intended to spend this evening, it was turning out alright. We were all having a good time and throughout the entire time I never felt as though Joan and I were on a date. Just because a destiny has yet to be seen doesnt mean it doesnt already exists. As crazy as it must sound, I believe that the events Ive changed are changes only I can see. Its hard to explain but just imagine all of us driving on a freeway. The freeway represents life as we all know it. Were all moving along smoothly and then we all come to an exit. And lets just say in order to keep everything in balance with the universe we all need to stay on the freeway. At the last moment at my own choosing I am exiting off the freeway. As I drive off course I then begin a domino effect on the cars behind me. Some get hit; some lose control for a moment, while still others are forced to veer off with me. And like an exit, once you drive so far you cant turn back. I was now sitting with three others that had now veered off with me. Of course they had no clues of what had transpired. That was always a good thing. It was getting close to midnight when the girls announced they were tired and was ready to go. As I walked them to the door we all said good-night and I quickly reached out my hand to Joan so I could shake her hand. However she looked at me and laughed. Oh we can do better than that! She then gave me a quick hug and said good-night. As they all left I wasnt sure what it would mean, if anything. Hopefully at this point it was nothing more than that. Over the next few weeks Rick continued to go out with Jill. There were a couple of times when he asked me to double date, but I was always able to get out of it. Its difficult for me to be completely invisible simply because Rick and I worked at the same place. Jill has been coming over during the day to have lunch with him. A couple

times Joan was with her and so I actually hid in the back of the warehouse the entire lunch hour. Not that they were even looking for me, I just didnt want to take any chances. Its been almost a month now since the party and Ive only seen Jill or Joan but a few times. Joan got tired of asking me to play her a song. No song, no love. At this point everything was pretty much going my way. Joan wasnt falling for me; Rick and Jill were still getting along fine. What more could I ask for? Summer was approaching and my daily inquiries with Rick led me to believe that all was good between them. But I have to keep reminding myself of the unknown. To my best recollection I have never treaded these waters before. Ricks vacation was coming up and he had mentioned going up to Oregon with Jill. Funny, I thought. In one of my past lives I remember being the one that goes up to Oregon. But it wasnt with Jill, it was with Joan. I had never been up north before. We fell in love. Our engagement was for a year. This one week visit to Oregon was the beginning of what should have been a great life. The sweet aromas of Oregon. It was early summer, 1981. It was heaven. But somewhere there was a moment in time in which it all changed. The moment may have lasted but a few seconds or it could have lasted days. At this point Im not sure. Ive dug deep in my soul and I honestly dont know when it happens or why it happens. Was this moment caused by a series of tragedies or was there something more? Is our relationship destined to always fail? There was no turning back now. I had made my choices at the party and now I must stay focused in order to make this work. I must always stay focused! But still I kept thinking how I had now changed all of that. My plan is to have Joan fall in love with me in three years. Now Rick and Jill are going up north. Suddenly I felt a pain in the pit of my stomach. At that moment it had occurred to me. Was Rick in fact somehow taking over the destiny I had left at the party? Was that even possible? Was I being paranoid? In all the talks Ive had with Rick he has never given me the slightest notion that he and Jill were in love. Hell, he was already talking about another girl he was interested in. This trip was already planned and he didnt want to cancel. But it was more for the possibility of snow. That meant skiing!

Now this sounded like the Rick I knew. Still I had to continue to do what I would have always done. My vacations were always the same no matter what life I choose. This would always be a slice of heaven for me, a place I have come to love. The great thing about this place was the fact that it would always be there for me. Regardless of which destiny I live. Yes, in a few days from now Ill be flying down south, to sweet Carlsbad. I promised my grandparents Id come visit the first chance I got. Its been almost a year now since I came back from living with them. It was the best two years of my life. Already Ive changed things; already I know its possible. I can hardly wait for my sons, to finally meet them! Wait! I cant allow myself to think that far ahead. I wish I could give myself at least that! But I cant. Lets just say at this point things are going as planned. Right now Im going to at least allow myself to have fun on vacation. Ill be taking two weeks this year. I plan on spending the first week in Carlsbad and the 2nd one back here in the bay area. There is some pretty good hiking trails close by; I think Ill be doing some of that for sure when I get back. It will be nice seeing my grandparents again. Life is great for the both of them. It will also be nice to see my high school friends as well. Choosing this destiny has allowed me to meet people I would never have met before. I think Ill spend one day visiting the high school. Most of my friends are still off to college, or working by now. Hopefully Ill see at least a few of them. When I arrived at my grandparents house, the very first thing I did was put on my vacation clothes. The second thing was to spend the first few hours visiting. Grandfather always loved showing off his beautiful garden. I must have spent a good two hours just listening to him talk about all the different flowers he had. In all that time I kept thinking about the vision I still have of him. Holding my daughters hand and walking with her in the park. This vision still comes to me on a regular basis, which only confuses me. For two reasons, first off I never went out with Kimberli after we broke it off. So why then am I still receiving a vision from a destiny I have not chosen? The second reason is that Ive done

everything I possibly can do in order to save my first marriage with Joan. If anything I should be having visions of grandfather holding Paul or Alex. Still I have to be grateful in that I havent been receiving anymore dark visions of grandfather. Those were so dark and left me with bad feelings. No details that I can remember. Its been a couple of years since I had the last one. I hope that means the vision is now in the past. All I can do is hope. My first day was far from over, oh how I longed to relax at the beach. You see, my grandparents house is about 100 yards from the beach. At night, I can hear the crashing of the waves from my bedroom window. That night grandma made me one of her famous home cook meals. Living here gave me the chance to really learn all I could from them. I would use that knowledge the rest of my life. And one day my oldest son would be passing on these receipts to his children. Life is so great, isnt it? Even though I had planned this trip for months I made it a point not to let any of my friends know. With everything going on back home, I had to stay focused on the fact that this was still a very delicate timeline. It had still only been a few weeks since I actually changed the destinies for Joan, Jill and Rick. I was going to spend as much time relaxing without complications. The beach, my sweet grandparents and visiting a few friends. Now what more could I ask for from this vacation? Only time would tell. Three days into my stay I decided to venture off and see if my friends were around. The first person I wanted to see was my cousin Cindy. She and I were around the same age and she made it so much easier for me when I decided to stay in Carlsbad. And even though she had already graduated, she still had friends in school and they all helped me. They always made sure I knew what people to hang out with or who were the best teachers. And I knew all along all these people were doing it for one person and that wasnt me! They were doing it for their dear friend and my cousin, Cindy. Ill always love her for that! On my way out that morning, my grandma asked me to stop by my aunts place and drop off a few things. Lucky I did because when I got there my aunt informed me that Cindy (her daughter) and her husband had just left for the next few weeks vacationing in Mexico. They owned some property in San

Philippe. In every life Ive lived (So far), I always visit San Philippe at least once. Its always Christmas 1974. That will always be a highlight in my life. In all of the lives Ive had not once have I tried to change any of the events of that trip. There would always be many reasons but the main one would always be Cara. She and I met while on vacation there. I had been to Tijuana once and that was fun but nothing like this. On this trip I was all of fifteen and about to have my first close encounter with a girl. Cara, her high school friend Angel and her father were vacationing as well. Ive always known Cara would be in my future. The only way she wouldnt is if I never go on vacation to San Philippe and that of course would never happen. For me San Philippe will always mark a time in my life of never ending joy. I was no longer a child but still not yet an adult. This would mark the end of an era for me. The last moments of my innocents and what that meant were the beginnings of yet more changes. I was in San Philippe for about five days. I didnt even meet Cara until the third day. Until then I was having a blast riding off-road motor bikes with my cousins. Before I go any further I have to admit that if I had known about the dreaded motor cycle ride I gave my father on that trip I would have at least changed that part. But for reasons still unknown to me, my dad is forever destined to spend the worst two minute ride he will ever encounter. It was my first time riding a motor cycle and I was doing well for a beginner. My cousins and I were riding for an hour or so when we came across my dad and one of my cousins. Their rented car had stalled and so they were stranded just outside of town. My cousin offered to give them rides back. My other cousin jumped on the back of his bike and my dad jumped on the back of mine. Without missing a beat we were soon on our way back into town. Everything was going great; I felt good knowing that I was actually helping my dad. Too bad moments like these dont always last. Before I knew it, I found myself riding in a field of craters of some sort. The surface was hard and desert like. The

craters were like city potholes, except that there were hundreds of them. I simply couldnt stop! Every time I tried, Id hit another hole and the motion would make my hand accelerate the engine. In other words, the more I tried to stop the faster I went. With my poor father, all 127 lbs. of him holding on to my waste for his dear life! I can still hear his words. God damn it bobby, stop this fucking thing! Yeah, he said that about sixteen times. But I simply couldnt stop! We both had to just get through it. The seats were old and not much for comfort. My poor dad was sore the rest of the trip, I felt so bad. When I was finally able to come to a stop my dad jumped off the bike so fast. He then informed me to Go to hell and with that he began to walk back the rest of the way. We were still a good half mile from town, but that made absolutely no difference to him. I pleaded for another chance but it was all for not. He was so mad at me. But like any great father he forgave me and we were able to laugh about it. Maybe not then, but years later! It was that night that I would finally meet Cara. Now I would never go back to San Philippe. But back in 1974 one could walk into the best restaurant with five dollars and buy a steak dinner. On this vacation my dad was giving me and my brother money unlike ever before. A couple times he actually gave me twenty dollars! I couldnt spend the money fast enough. So when I met Cara, like so many times in my lives I have nothing to do with the actual setup. This time my cousin Rick has the nerve I still lacked and therefore begins a conversation with the two young girls having dinner at the table next to ours. Before too long, we had invited them to join our table and the rest is history. Over the next two days the four of us were inseparable. We were all around the same ages. We had a lot of the same interest. They were both from San Diego. Funny in that we had driven from Carlsbad, the cities are only forty miles from each other. The day before Cara was to leave; she and I made it a point to have lunch on the beach, just the two of us. At first Cara was hesitant but I just told her I wanted some alone time with her. She laughed and said she had never heard that expression before. Every so often I use

the language of the future to help my intentions. In this case Im glad it worked because I was struggling whether or not I would be sharing with her what I knew was destined to happen. As I watched Cara from a distance with her father I couldnt help but feel sorry for them. If only she knew that in less than one month from now her father would fall victim to a heart attack. At this point I feel Cara knows without a doubt that her father has been sick for some time now. But just how sick is still a question Im dealing with. This vacation would mark the beginning of a new life for them. Caras father would not be working as much and would have more time for her. The divorce was final and it was now time to move on. Things for Cara and her father were finally coming together. But I knew different. I knew that in less than a month her father would be dead and Cara would never be the same again. The lunch on the beach was still a few hours away and I had plenty to do. First I had to find a picnic basket, food to fill it with and then decide if Im going to tell her what I knew. My aunt had a picnic basket and was gracious enough to lend it to me. As far as finding snacks to fill it with, I had two choices. The restaurant or the mini mart. Cara and I decided to meet at the beach around noon and by then I had everything I needed. As beautiful a place as it was there werent many tourists around. For the most part San Philippe is famous for its deep sea fishing. When I finally got rid of my cousins I was late in meeting up with Cara. She didnt seem to mind. I was only twenty minutes late. She had a blanket and basket as well. When we both looked into each others baskets, we laughed because we had both gone to the one and only store in town and a lot of the items were the same. The sun was shining and the water was warm. The smell of 1974 can only be that of sand and waves. I absolutely love 1974. We sat and talked about everything. Cara did most of the talking but I did agree a lot. She would go on to tell me about her dreams. She and I were in the same grade and we would be entering our second year of high school. She loved life and it showed in her smile. With every word she spoke I could feel her excitement about

her future. I did feel envious. Having the knowledge of NOT KNOWING! Then she started talking about her dad. She loved him so. I couldnt tell her what I knew about her dad, I just didnt have the heart. And besides, even if she believes me theres nothing that can be done about his destiny. As far as the vision, Ive now had one for almost a year. I see myself in a phone booth. Its raining outside and cold. The skies are gray. I have some memories of the vacation within this vision. I can hear her voice on the other line and shes crying. When I received the first visions I had a hard time even remembering the vacation let alone Cara. But as always with each vision triggers more memories that fill in the gaps. The news she had was bad, really bad! Her dad had died suddenly. She was overwhelmed with grief. I just kept telling her everything would be alright. And now I find myself sitting here just two feet from her on this warm December day. There was no way I could tell her any of this. And another page of not discussing and or changing the future with what I knew. So there we sat for another hour. We laughed, got in the water for a bit, and ate our lunches. This day would stay with me for the rest of my life. And right before Angel and Rick would join us I even got a big kiss from Cara. Now as Ive mentioned before even though I have memories of being older, I am still only fifteen. My age will always dominate the visions and or memories. That, I know for a fact! The four of us only stayed on the beach for another hour or so. Now as beautiful a place this was, outside of the food and deep sea fishing. San Philippi didnt have too much more going on. Angel and Rick were hungry but we have just eaten. Just the same, we all got back to the hotel and got ready for an early dinner. That night Cara and I did more talking then eating. Rick was fine with that; he ended up eating my leftovers. Now what happened that night will forever be locked in that fifteen year olds heart. Lets just say that she and I ended up consistently writing letters over the next four years. And as in every lifetime before, it suddenly ends. I would see her once again and shes no longer the young girl I knew. In every letter she had written I felt it was always coming from that girl on the beach. Dont

misunderstand, she did nothing wrong. The only thing she was guilty of was growing up. The romance I had in my heart for all those years came to a sudden halt within ten minutes of my second and last visit with her. Lets just say I was eighteen and she was eighteen going on twenty-five. We had grown apart. I think we both wrote to each a few times after that but the magic was gone forever. So now when I lay here on the beach and listen to the waves, I can close my eyes and I can still hear Cara talking. Spirits of the past, I call them. Still, Im so glad I was the one on the beach with her so many years ago. Cara, if youre reading this and the story brings back memories. I would just like to say, thank you for your friendship, the many letters and that first kiss you ever gave me so long ago. So I now sit on another beach years later. Funny how things have worked out since I last saw Cara. Within the last five years I have had more visions, dreams and future moments than ever before. And because of that I have had to make more decisions as well. Because Ive decided to do all I can to make my first marriage a success Ive in turn altered so many other destinies. My life with Kimberli and our daughter Emily are no longer a possibility. At this exact moment Ive already altered the destinies of three more people back home. Now everything must go as planned otherwise I risk never marring Joan which in turn would mean no sons or grandchildren. If that were to happen, would I still have a chance to finally meet Lisa, my forever true love? With all of these questions swimming through my brain its not always easy to turn things off, even when Im on vacation. Just the same, I decided to stay put and not venture out. Perhaps I will tomorrow. As the evening approached I packed up my things and walked back to my grandparents place. It was so great being this close to the beach. Halfway home I could already smell my grandmothers cooking. I loved her so, and I do miss her cooking. Each night as I sat with them I couldnt help but just be so happy to be there with them. With every year that passes, I begin receiving different visions of the

future. I do worry because I see my grandparents in some of them. Nothing certain yet, at this point just quick snap shot of moments. However right now nothing seems to be wrong. Just the same, receiving visions always makes me worry. One day leads into the next and then yet another. Before I knew it, Id been here a week and still havent gone to look for any of my friends. I couldnt put my finger on it, it was just a feeling I was getting. I did however make an attempt to see a girl friend, and by that I mean she was a girl and a friend. But her mom answered the phone and told me that Rhonda and her fianc were now living out of state. I think her mom thought I was a past boyfriend. Anyway, my vacation here was coming to an end and even though Ive had a lot on my mind I was still able to relax and enjoy the moment. One must always remember that when you really think about it, moments are all we have. Yesterdays history, tomorrows a mystery and today is a present. Thats why they call it a gift. I wish I had made that up. I remember hearing it from a movie, which of course has yet to be made. With my bags all packed I have one last night with my grandparents. I would spend it as I have each night, listening to their stories of life. Even though grandma had trouble with the English language, having grandpa there to translate made it easier. They arrived in California during the great depression. They settled only long enough for harvesting, and then moved on to the next ranch. My grandparents had two sons and five daughters. When not in school, they all worked the fields. It was a rough life back then. And I dont mean just the economy. Racism was openly tolerated in many parts of our great country. It was a time when not everyone felt as though they belonged. Words such as equality, justice and the simple basic love for our fellow man were too often just words. So hearing my grandparents talking about all they went through made me feel lucky I wasnt born then. But you know even through all the hardships, it was apparent that my grandparents instilled within their children the important things in life. And I in turn was learning from my dad. He taught me at a very early age never to make fun of anyone. As simple as

it might sound youd be surprised how many adults Ive encountered that still make that mistake. Im all for good hearted humor. But there are those that do it to hurt others and that is wrong. But getting back to my last night, as the night went on we talked of many things and then my grandmother began a story having to do with a certain ghost. My grandfather at first didnt want to talk about it which of course only made me want to hear it even more. So reluctantly gramma made grampa translate. Actually this story is legend. As the story goes, this incident took place in the early 1950s. By this point my father and his siblings were now in their teens. They all lived on a ranch in the middle of nowhere. The ranch itself was completely surrounded by tree, vineyard etc., except for the one and only driveway leading up to the house. Apparently they were all in agreement that spirits were indeed restless in that house. That is, all but Grandfather. On this particular early evening they were all at the dinner table. With the sun still barely up, they all saw the headlights of an approaching car. They all heard the gravel from the tires, the motor of the car and the brakes being applied. They all heard the car door open and close. Then they all heard the footsteps walking up to the door. As they all waited for someone to knock on the door, my grandfather refused to let anyone leave the table. If they did not have enough manners to come knock then they were not welcome. So they all just sat there waiting. Just then they again heard the car door open and shut and could hear the footsteps of someone again walking to the door and for a second time there was no knock on the door. Grandfather finally got up. Well, you already know the rest. Sure enough, there was no one there. No car, nothing. Still my grandfather refused to believe the obvious. On another occasion while the county fair was going on, they all decided to go that night. Everyone, but grandfather that is. His exact words Once youve been to one fair, youve been to them all. My grandmother kept reminding him that the spirits could be playful. He laughed and ignored her words, and so they all left for the evening. Upon their return, they could see the ranch from miles away. As they got closer they realized that every single light in

the house as well as every outdoor light had been turned on. My dad remembers that the place looked like a giant Christmas tree! When they got into the house my grandfather was sitting in the chair. They all tried not to laugh but it became obvious that the spirits had had some fun with him that night. All he would say was that they kept knocking on the doors. He never admitted of being afraid that night, then again as the story goes, that would be the very last time he would stay home alone. So somewhere between Tulare and Fresno there a ranch, and to this day Ive come to learn that they are still very playful. The next day I said my good-byes and off I went, back to the bay area. I hated flying. Always have, always will. Thoughts such as, Why didnt I take a bus or train? always runs through my mind once Im committed to the plane. Rick would be picking me up which was great. It would give me a chance to see how things were between him and Jill. Little did I know what was waiting for me upon my return. The plane landed about ten minutes ahead of schedule, something about the wind current. Anyway, I didnt see Rick at the terminal so I just waited. I looked around a bit and once I searched the other terminals I just kept walking figuring there was no way to miss him. Rick was obviously running late, which didnt surprise me. I called from the first phone booth I found and his sister answered the phone. Hi Tina, how ya doing? And before she could answer I asked her where Rick was? Bob? She asked. Yeah, Im at the airport and Rick was supposed to pick me up. Just then I couldnt believe my eyes!! In the distance I could see Joan walking through the terminals. Just as I saw her Tina began to explain to me that Rick and Jill drove up to Oregon earlier than expected and he asked Joan to pick me up for him. What a pal. I thought. And before I could do anything, such as hide, Joan had spotted me and so with nothing left to do I put on a smile while she told me what I already knew. I thanked her. She was talking a mile a minute but the bottom line was that Rick quit his job. I couldnt believe it. I got him that job and it was a good job. And so I asked. Why would he do something like that? Joan than said that Rick wanted to take two weeks off so he and Jill could go up to Oregon. The company would only give

him one week. Then she went on to say that there was another reason but she wasnt sure about that. Anyway, he got mad and quit. I just shook my head in disbelief. So here it is Friday and the two of them had left a couple of days ago. All I could think of was that this was not a good thing. In previous life Rick never quit his job and was there for another two years. Like the rest of us he was there to witness the closure of the company. But now hes gone and so the chain of events that took place at the party have now affected their lives dramatically. On the drive back Joan had calmed down a bit and wasnt talking as much. I kept asking Joan about their trip and all until she finally asked. So why are you so concerned about Rick and Jill? I know hes a really good friend and I respect that but I cant help but feel that theres more to it. I didnt say anything right away. I suppose my concerns were getting the best of me today. The last week for me had been great but there was always in the back of my mind the fact that something like this could happen. And now it has. So there I sat driving back with the person I have been trying to avoid. With everything that has already happened with Rick and all, I did wonder where or how Joan and my destiny now stood. And then I heard Joan again asking me something. What? Im sorry Im just tired from the flight. And she said she understood, and that was that. She didnt say much after that and before too long I was home. I again thanked her. She then just smiled and said, Youre welcome. It would have been great if it could have ended there. To have me politely smile back and close the car door, perhaps even give a little wave as she drove off. So right after the Your welcome she then handed me a note with her name and phone number and quickly mentioned a dinner party at her moms house. What was I to do? I couldnt just refuse, or could I? But everything always happens so fast. I cant always make the right choices this way! So I took the damn note and told her Id call her. At some point Ill make up an excuse as to why I cant go. Now dont get me wrong my first wife was a very pleasant person at this tender age. It wasnt until

life got a hold of her that, lets just say added a little spice to the sugar. Once in the confines of my own home I realized that at this point what I really needed was a good nights sleep. Too many things to think about now, must go to sleep! Before I knew it, I was fast asleep. And like so many times before I soon found myself rushing thru the air, like a bird. In my dream I was back at the party. My inner voice was there to remind me that it was only a dream. At times my dreams are so real, when my inner voice chooses to abandon me then these dreams can be frightening. But not this time, once I know its a dream Im free to explore and try to figure out if this is meaningful, such as a vision or just a dream. As I walked thru each room I saw many faces. No one seemed to notice my presence. Then I heard another voice but this time it wasnt coming from within, it was Ricks voice looking for me. As I looked up I then saw him and Joan walking close behind. I realized they were looking for me so I could play Joan a song on guitar. This must be a vision of some sort, kind of like me getting another chance to make things right. So rather then run and hide this time I shouted back. Rick then introduced me to Joan and then I found myself following them back to another room. Joan kept saying, The guitars in there. As we entered the room the lights were dim and everyone was waiting for me to play. I noticed how much quieter this room was from the rest of the house. As I picked up the guitar I realized that I couldnt play! I simply couldnt remember any chords. And I kept thinking, but Ive been playing since I was sixteen. I could now hear my own heart beating and I could feel my hands sweat. The people in the room began to boo and Joan looked at me and then said in a very calm voice, You lied to me. You said youd play me a song so we could fall in love, why did you lie to me? I couldnt say a thing; I had no control with my speech. I simply couldnt speak. Just then a womans voice made a grand announcement. Please dim the lights. As I turned to see who it was I saw Joans aunt Jen carrying a silver platter with two candles and many half filled champagne glasses. She went on to say, Will everyone please take a glass and join us in celebrating the engagement for Jill and

Rick. We hope that they will have many babies As everyone joined her in the toast I realized that this isnt right! Its one thing for Rick and Jill to go out, but to marry! Just then I was awoken by of all people, Joan. As I looked around I realized I was back in her car. We were still driving back from the airport. Things looked real and felt real but I can still remember Joan dropping me off already. Then Joan said; Wow, you must really be tired. Either that or Im one boring talker. I said. No, of course not. How long was I asleep? Just five minutes or so. I thought to myself, its amazing what I can go through in my sleep in so little time. However I couldnt remember the entire dream, just bits and pieces. I remember being back at the party and I remember wanting to sing to Joan. Thats all I can remember now, but I have a gut feeling there was more. Then I turned to her and asked. Jill and Rick did drive up to Oregon, right? Of course they did. Thats why Im picking you up. You must be tired. Just then another car came flying out of nowhere and drove right in front of us just so he could exit the freeway. We and several other cars were left all shaking our heads at what a fool thing that driver had done. I know I felt lucky that no one got hit. But as Joan hit the brakes her glove compartment opened rather quickly. And out came the usual items a seventeen year old girl would have. As I gently picked her things up I noticed one of the items was a small candle. I couldnt take my eyes off of it. So much so that I put everything back but this candle. I was hoping Joan wouldnt notice it still being out. By now Joan was saying something to me but I couldnt hear a word. When I get like this, nothing else matters. Its a feeling Ive grown to understand but its important that I stay focused. And at this very moment Im feeling it and its very strong. This damn candle means something but for the life of me I cant put my finger on it. We were now just a few miles from my house. I didnt even realize that I had been holding onto the candle until I finally heard Joans voice. So I take it you like candles? What? I asked. My candle, youve been holding it for some time now. Im sorry. She laughed. As I open the glove box to put it back she mentioned that it was just given to her recently by a friend. Before I knew it, we had arrived and there was nothing left for

me to do but get out of the car. I suddenly got that feeling again and just like a sudden shot being fired from a gun I remembered the note she had given to me in my dream. Would she again hand me a note with her phone number? As I got my things together and waited for the car to pull up to my place I kept thinking about the note and the candle. As Joan drove away I noticed two things that were different from my dream. There was no brief smile and just as important there would be no note with her phone number. As she drove away I no longer had the feeling that there was any interest from her at all. I began to realize that my plan had indeed back-fired and now I see little hope in turning this around. That night I slept, but not before I labored for hours trying to make sense of the candle. I knew in my heart that could be the one clue that could help me now. No matter how hard I tried, nothing would make sense that night. So I slept and when I awoke the next morning, I had no memories of dreaming at all. Still it felt good to get a good nights sleep. Over the next few days I followed through with my plans and did a lot of hiking. I loved hiking by myself; it gives me time to figure things out. I knew one thing, I would feel a lot better once Rick gets back and I have a chance to talk to him. Hell, knowing Rick as well as I do he and Jill will probably be sick of each other by the end of their trip. They say you really get to know someone when you travel with them. Just that thought alone made me smile as I walked up the trails. And so I walked. On this day I got an early start, I was already out of the house by 9:00 a.m. As I drove to one of my favorite hiking parks, I had a better feeling about today. For today I will try to get focused and get back on track. So what if my first plan didnt work out! Ill still make it work! When I get back Ill give Rick a call and see how things really are. If my hunch is right, their budding relationship is coming to an end. Then Ill worry about Joan and me later. It was Friday afternoon and the last day to enjoy the park by myself. There was never anyone here on weekdays so I had all the trials to myself. Driving through the gate I was given a flyer, looks like Sunol is allowing overnight camping this weekend. I smiled when I read it. Its a big deal. As Ive mentioned in

other chapters, this park used to allow camping all the time. Then one day it all stopped. And the reason for that will forever belong to my very own brother-in-law Kenny. It was a warm summer night back in 1975 when Kenny single handedly caused so much noise and ruckus that the very next day the park halted any further camping, as in forever! And so to the many people and or campers that enjoyed those beautiful nights gazing up at the star that covered Sunol Park, I apologize. But Ill forever have it be noted that I tried my best to derail the situation. Lets just say Kenny loved a good time, sometimes too much. Years later Kenny would be walking back from a party. It was winter and the snow was thick. He decided to leave the party alone and was found the next day in the snow, apparently the victim of a fall. Now when I think about him I remember the big heart he had and his sense of humor. Kenny had problem from a very young age and had to learn to be tough in this world. But through that tough exterior there was a man with a big heart and warm smile. He and I played music and to this day when I hear someone playing blues harmonica he is the first one I think of. Life can no longer hurt Kenny and I truly look forward to seeing him again upon my next return, when we will once again play wonderful blues. Getting back to the dilemma at hand, Ive now been hiking for an hour or so and Im almost at my favorite spot. Most hikers never go this far into the hills. Ive been coming here for years. I hiked for another hour when I came across this old barn and windmill on the top of this hill. Every ten years I hike up to this very spot. Each time it awaits my return. Its as though time stands still up here. The sights and sounds that surround this old barn changes only with the seasons. It knows no other buildings, no other reminders of time. This old barn and I have much in common. It has seen me many times in this life as well as my other lives. It sees and knows me for what I am. For I and the barn are ageless. When I come up here it is the barn that hears my stories. I speak of the triumphs as well as the tragedies. What things Id do differently. Today I go there in search of answers. As I approached the

barn I quietly walked around the entire area. It is like turning the pages of a book that you havent read in years. With every direction I looked, was like turning to a new page. The smell of hay was heavy in the air. Animals hadnt been kept there in decades. As I finally ended my ritual I sat on the edge of the well. I kept thinking about the candle and note that I never received from Joan. She said the candle was from a friend. Was it a possible boyfriend? I remembered the last time I was here, I was twelve. Another brother-in-law brought me and my brother Morris up here to hike. We buried two quarters about six inches deep near a tree trunk. I remember thinking how Id go back one day and get them. But every time I try, I can never find the same tree. Those lost quarters are like my decisions in life. Im always looking for the ones that worked, but often can never find them. It was getting late and this would be one of those times when the quarters would remain lost. I began hiking back to my car and the rest of the world. And like so many times I have done before, I took one last glance and thanked that old barn for just being there for me. It is one of the few things that is constant. When I got home I started making my dinner when the phone rang. It was Joan. Hi Bob. I tried calling you earlier but there was no answer. Now when I first heard Joans voice I was pleasantly surprised but not for the reasons she was calling for. She went on to ask me if Id heard from Rick. Oh my god! I thought, there must be something wrong. But Joan doesnt seem to be upset. No, I havent heard from him. Is anything wrong? Then she kept stalling. Finally I demanded that she tell me. Rick was my friend and I wanted to know what she knew! Well seems as though last night Jill and Rick got engaged. What? I couldnt believe it. Are you sure about this? Do they have a wedding date? I asked. Sometime in July, the 10th I think. she said. Again I asked. Are you sure about this? Yep, Jill called me this morning and said my aunt gave them a champagne toast announcing their engagement. Just then it hit me like a bolt of lightning, the candles. Only now do I see them. And without thinking and or hesitation I blurred out the words; by candlelight. Joan said,

Thats right, Jill did say there were candles as well. But how could you know that? It was just a lucky guess. Hey, Im burning something on the stove. I better go. And with that, I hung up. Im now faced with the newest turn of events. I was now faced with the obvious. Rick and Jill somehow, some way are now living out what should have been Joan and my destinies. It was Joan who invited me to drive up to Oregon. It was our candle light engagement announcement and last but not least, July 10th was our wedding date! This has gotten way out of control. I only have one choice. If I dont stop things now theres no telling where this could lead. For all I know they could end up having our children. What would that mean for Joan and me? But how do I change things now? That was the big question. I had to find a way to stop this relationship. Later that night, I received another call. This time it was Rick himself. The first thing I needed to do was act surprised when he tells me the news. Ricks voice was a few octaves higher than normal. He was really excited. Hey Amigo! Did you hear the news? Rick. Congratulations my friend. Joan just told me the good news. She didnt want to tell me at first. I made her so dont get mad at her. And with that said over the next ten minutes I said all the right things. Little did he know that everything he talked about while in Oregon, were all of my memories. I knew that I had to somehow convince him not to marry Jill but now was not the time. Besides, their engagement will last an entire year. The following Monday when I got back to work, Rick was still the hot topic. Today I would be the one who would now tell them all about Rick and Jills engagement or at least thats what I thought. With my other buddies also working there and Jills cousin as well, that by the time I clocked in the news was already in the air. The only thing left for me to do was to confirm it. Yep, I told them. I heard it from Rick himself. The entire day, I heard many things from them, including laughter. Some of the things were in fun but some words were a bit harsh. I was just glad Rick wasnt there to hear it. They kept saying things like He fell in love too quick! or Hes stupid and throwing his life away. I wondered if these were the same words being

said about me in another life. And like most work places, within a few days Rick and Jill had become old news. Over the next few months I did everything I could to keep track on all three. Rick and Jill were easy to keep track of. For the most part Rick never had any money so Jill paid for everything. In my mind, this was a good thing! Perhaps when the money runs out, so will Rick. But each time I saw them it became more evident that they would go through with the wedding. I along with the usual high school buddies continued to hang out at Ricks. And then in early December while we were playing poker, Rick asked us all to be his users. Of course I accepted. The year was coming to a close which meant 1982 was fast approaching. As each year arrives I always seem to receive more visions. Usually Id have fears about this year but because of the drastic changes that Ive already made, I know that can change everything else as well. The big question; is it too late? Have I lost all control? This year can also take away my brother if Im not careful. My concerns must now center on that rather than my own destiny with Joan. I have saved my brothers life before; I can save him again. I know that April is the month to fear. And like so often before the exact day still eludes me. Still I know more about that event more than any other this year. You see, my visions this year center on world events. Im always disheartened when this happens. Its not fair for so many reasons. First off, Im never given enough information to at least warn someone, anyone! At this point, all I know is there will be a couple big airline crashes here in the states. I feel one will happen in January or February. The other Im not sure, but Ive seen the fireball, I hear the screams and cries from within the plane. Ive seen both crashes but no other details. Not even as much as a plane number or perhaps what airline, nothing. Sure enough by the end of January my first vision came to pass. Jet crashes after taking off in Washington DC, 78 dead. Besides the fact that I felt completely helpless when I heard the news, another thought came to me. Even with the drastic changes Ive made, it has

become evident that bigger events in the world continue to happen. As winter turned to spring my days were filled with a new sense of hope. Hope that perhaps if I let things play out I may in fact get all that I want. It was now Monday April 19th and all of my focus has been on my brother for the last month. Already Ive been able to keep him in town. In other lives, he leaves for one reason or another but this time I have been able to convince him to stay here with me. I have used up all of my vacation time just so I could keep my eyes on him. I thought about him and I going away for the week, but being on the road driving around made me think that perhaps accidents could still happen. I had to do my best to keep him safe at home with me. The entire time I was on him like glue. I know he didnt understand any of this but then how could he? April came and went with no problems, no surprises. When I went back to work the following Monday, I was so worried that perhaps my brother would die the following month. But with each day that passed I was convinced that I had once again done just enough to alter his destiny once again. Now it was time to let go and focus on Joan. There was nothing I could do about Rick and Jill. Rick was so in love I never even tried to talk him out of the whole thing. So if there was any hope at all for Joan and me to still have a life together I felt it would begin around the time of the wedding. Perhaps Joans love for me would begin then? With less than two months from the wedding we were now scheduled for the first of many events. We would meet our wedding partners for a dinner. I was partnered with yet another one of Joans cousins. Joan would also be in the wedding party and she was partnered with a cousin of Ricks. With every opportunity I tried to engage in conversation with her but no matter what I said, I didnt feel as though I was making any kind of a connection. Joan was polite and very sweet but that was all I got from her. Gifts were given to all in the wedding party. At the end of the evening there was a knock on the door. Jill entered the room and said it was for Joan. Joan stepped out of the room and didnt return for a while. When she did her and Jill started talking under the rest of the crowd. Then Jill said in a rather loud voice; Dont make him wait

outside for you, silly. He can wait inside. So with that said, Joan left the room to return with a very polite but scared man whom she introduced everyone as Roberto. When they both left the room for a moment I heard Jill telling Rick that they had been seeing each other for awhile. Things might even be getting serious. Joan was soon back to finish the dinner while her new beau was watching TV. I on the other hand had now lost my appetite. The last time I asked Jill about Joan she never mentioned this guy. Although Roberto was only in the room for a moment there was something familiar about him. But at this point I cant put my finger on it. I hate when that happens! As I drove home that night I couldnt get his face out of my mind. Where did I see him before? There was something about his eyes. Over the next few weeks thats all I could think of. While driving to and from work, no matter what I was doing. It was all I could do just to concentrate. When Friday finally arrived I received a call from Rick reminding me of our weekly poker party at his place. Without missing a beat I told him Id be there. Then he mentioned that Jill and Joan were shopping for the wedding and asked if Roberto could join us guys tonight? I realized this would be the perfect opportunity for me to see if I could place this guy. With the game not starting until ten that night, I was there by eight. With beer in hand I waited. By eleven the game was in full swing. I made it a habit to play with my sunglasses on. So tonight I would be able to basically stare at Roberto without him noticing. I have now been staring at him for an hour and a half and because of that I havent been able to concentrate on the game. I have now lost about forty dollars. Just then he said the name Alex. He was talking about a co-worker who had said something funny. When Roberto said Alex I saw him with Joan. Joan was walking with two very young boys. Roberto was with them and he yelled out the name Alex. Even with such quick visions, I can still hear everything around me. I could hear Roberto finishing his story and I could hear the chips being thrown into the pot. Then I heard someone tell me it was my turn. As I folded my hand without even looking at the cards, I excused myself from the table. I went to the bathroom and splashed water on my face. As I looked up at

the mirror I remembered. I now knew who he was. Roberto unfortunately was an ex-boyfriend of Joan only after our marriage was over. Roberto shouldnt even be in Joans life for another ten years. This was a big concern of mine. I can remember Joan one day saying Hes no good. Perhaps not now, but he would one day become a woman abuser. I now felt so guilty. In my mind it was now my fault hes here. Because of me Joans destiny would take a drastic turn for the worse. When I went back to the table I did my best to finish out the night. Roberto seemed like a nice guy and had a lot of great things to say about Joan. But knowing what I knew made it hard for me to warm up to the guy. With the wedding now only a few days away we were all once again brought together for the wedding rehearsal. And again, Roberto was there. They could barely keep their hands off each other. One would think it was Joans wedding. Just then I felt very sad because this rehearsal should have been for us. After the rehearsal I walked back to my car. It was late and a couple of the parking lot lights were out. Once in my car I could hear someone approaching. I hadnt yet started my car or even had a chance to turn on the headlights. It was Joan and Roberto. They were in the middle of an argument. I suddenly found myself sitting in my car while they continued to argue. It was too late for me to do anything but to just sit quietly in my car. Then before they noticed me I heard Roberto tell Joan he wouldnt be going to the wedding. She then said Fine! He walked back to the reception hall and she drove off. I wondered what this could mean for me. The wedding of the year was now under way and there were no signs of Roberto anywhere. I was able to make small talk to Joan but with everything else going on she barely had a chance to talk to me. The reception was going smoothly. Everyone had eaten and danced and the cake had been cut. Rick and Jill were now saying their good-byes to everyone. I on the other hand, had been trying to keep Joan within my sights. Last night I made the final decision to change things back. After all it had been 15 months now since the party. I wrote Joan a note that I now have in my pocket. I explain to her of my secret crush I have for

her. I ask her for one date, one chance. I ask her to please meet with me tonight at the fountain, once the reception is over. Suddenly I see Joan across the room and shes trying to catch up with Jill and Rick before they leave. We both reach the bride and groom at the same time. We all say our good-byes as they drove off. With one last try I grabbed Joan by the hand and give her my note. I asked her to read it soon. She smiled and said she would. With the happy couple now gone a voice came on the sound system and announced for everyone to please continue to have a great time and then instructed the band to play on! I thought this was great. The reception was not over yet. Now I had the rest of the evening to be with Joan. The lights had been dimmed and it reminded me of a high school dance. I decided to go to the bar and get something to drink for the both of us. I figured by now she has read the note and would meet me at the fountain. As I carried the glasses to the fountain I waited, and waited. The cousin that I was partnered with was pretty upset with me; I didnt blame her. I barely paid any attention to her but I had so many other things on my mind that day. Suddenly the date I had been sadly ignoring was walking towards me. I asked her if she had seen Joan. With a smirk on her face she boldly stated that Joan had been picked up by Roberto twenty minutes ago. She then handed me back the note I had given to Joan. Obviously she had read it herself and found humor in me being turned down. Little did she realize the magnitude of what had just happened? I had spent the better part of a year trying to stop things that I created. Now I no longer have either Kimberli or Joan. And it would be another twelve years before I finally meet Lisa, but now I wondered if I have altered that love as well. Things were so not right. I was now desperate. The next day I sat down and wrote three letters. The first one was for Joan. It read: Joan, I know we dont know each other that well but as I mentioned in my previous note I would very much like to get to know you better. Do you believe in Love? There is a magic for me when you walk into a room. In your eyes I see someone with a big heart. I dont know Roberto so he might be a nice guy but I really think hell never be able to give you what I can. Please give Love a chance! Please meet me

at 3:00 next Saturday; Ill be waiting in front of Newark Park. The second letter was for Kimberli. It read: Kimberli, it is my hope that this letter finds you well and single. If you would like to get together with a friend from the past then please read on. I remember having you in the same class, auto shop wasnt it? I always wanted to ask you out for a date but was too afraid that someone as beautiful as you would say no. Kimberli, you have a beautiful smile and I would like to see you again. Please take a chance, please meet me at 3:00 next Saturday; Ill be waiting in front of Newark Park. The third letter would be for Lisa. I mailed two letters that following Monday. Each day after work Id get home and check my phone messages. I thought for sure Id hear from one of them by at least Friday. But each evening there were no messages from either one. Then on Saturday morning I was awakened by the ringing of the phone. When I answered it, the person on the other end would not say anything. I could hear them breath but not in a rude way. It was as though they wanted to talk but couldnt. It had to be one of them. I thought. And so I did the only thing that came to mind. I started talking. Please dont hang up. I know who this is, please meet with me today. Please take a chance. I know I can make you happy. Then the line went dead. I arrived at the park 15 minutes early. I wondered which one had called me. Which one would be showing up today? My plan was simple; I would enter into a relationship with the first one that shows up. One of them should be showing up, right? And when she does Ill give her my heart. Yeah, thats what Ill do! So there I sat and awaited my next love, my next destiny.