the newspaper you should be very thankful for

November 18, 2011 Volume 4, Issue 12 pittifulnews.com

Es tab l i s hed b y Na ti v e A me r ic a n s h u nd red s o f ye ars b e fo re t ho se d a mn P il gr i ms ca me alo n g

Teleporting Puddles
EMILY CROUSHORE staff writer Have you ever imagined how much easier life would be if you could be in two places at the same time? Or, at least to be in two different places in less than a second? Think of all the possibilities! You could sleep in until five minutes before your class starts, you could run away from the cops (bad idea), or you could even travel around the world in one day. Amazing, right? Of course, such a phenomenon comes with restrictions. Puddles: the wet spots on the road and sidewalks when it rains that we all try so diligently to avoid. Yet, now they are the answer to all of our wildest dreams. Recent discoveries noted that puddles CONT PG 2 TELE
IN THIS ISSUE page 2 fact of the week teleporting puddles page 3 weekly forecast thanksgiving eating tips page 4 conning those who love you the most words to impress the ladies

WILLS BUTLER

This is just so f*cking cute. - PROFESSIONAL CAPTIONER prince/princess. Right off the bat this should get you in the door, because parents remember being poor in college too. Ideally you should bring it up at key moments in the day like at breakfast: Wow, nonexpired milk? You live like royalty! Upon using the bathroom: Running hot AND cold water? I didnt know that was possible! Eating dinner: Eating hot food with the lights on? I wish I could afford such luxury...

Get Money, Get Paid, This Thanksgiving!

WILLS BUTLER senior writer Thanksgiving is a time of year that we can all enjoy. The opportunity to head home, eat some real food, and have family arguments over how much of a failure youve become your sister is so much better than you why were you even born?!? In any case, the most important thing about thanksgiving is wheedling as much money out of your sucker parents as possible. Here are a few tried and tested methods of doing just that:

First of all, and this can be coupled with any other method, is complain about how poor you are. Wax lyrical on the subject of your starving belly and moth-infested wallet. Let them know youve been sitting on the sidewalk holding a white cane in the hope that the spare change tossed at you will get you through the night. This is best aimed at mothers beYou should be cause, as we all know, golden after displays Mommy just wants the like that, but some of us best for her little college

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the pittiful news

november 18, 2011

CONT FROM PG 1 TELE are not the nuisances ability to utilize any puddle. For beginnings, howevwe associate them with being, but rather they are er, teleporting-puddle specialists suggest avoiding the key to the wonderful mystery of teleportation. puddles with twigs, leaves or trash in them because How does one go about using a puddle for they will travel with you to your destination; and, if teleportation, you ask? Well, this you are a normal person, you process can be tricky! First, the should like to maintain that status perfect puddle must be sought out by arriving nature-free. to even attempt such a scientific As convenient, amazing, breakthrough. Make sure the pudtime-saving and unbelievable as dle is deep enough to cover the sole all of this sounds, caution must of your shoe, boot, heel, whatever it be taken. Though the number of may be that youre sporting on that missing puddle-jumpers is low, it particular day. is on the rise. Do not underestiSecond, you must hop, mate the power of such magical skip, and jump into the puddle with puddles. pure and relentless enthusiasm. Nonetheless, you will You cannot half-ass a teleportingNOT get wet on this ride; unless puddle jump. With a smile on your your destination is a waterpark, face, a whistle on your lips and a skip in waterfall, or shower. Seems Legit your step you can take on any puddle! With more practice obviously comes the WILLS BUTLER - Master of Brief Captions

Fact of The Week: 3/2 of people dont fully understand how to use fractions
ALEX SEMEDEI Staff Contributor

Hey you! Yes, You! You seem to be reading our fantastic Newspaper! Good Call! But you know what else would be good? Letting everyone you know in on the big secret: The Pittiful News Totally Rocks. What better way to tell people the inalienable truth than to buy a shirt and wear it all the time? Wear it to parties, to the gym, to class, to lunch, to court, even to bed, but only if theres a significant chance someone else will see it! (That should be no problem for me! - Ed.) Lets be honest here, these shirts totally rock, and bying them will be hella sweet. And What? They are only TEN DOLLARS??? Life is good. If I were you, Id go back to the table (You know the one where you got this paper?) and ask that cute chick there how to go about purchasing one!

Or you could always Email us @ <pittifulnews@gmail.com> Be my guest! Get your orders in quick, because there is no way this insane offer will last!

the pittiful news W E E KLY F OR C AST

november 18, 2011

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Thanksgiving Foods That Wont Make You Fat

KELSEY HENKE & WILLS BUTLER Best Friends (She just doesnt know it yet)

If you are a hardcore dieter, Thanksgiving may seem like the antichrist of holidays. You know that if you eat all those mashed potatoes and turkey sandwiches, chances are you will look like a whale for the next month. To help relieve your worry, The Pittiful News has outlined a five course meal that is inexpensive and low fat:

1) Water 2) Celery 3) Laxatives

For when you need hydration, but none of the pesky calories present in Beer, Soda or Juice, try a tall cold glass of H 2 Oh! Little Known Fact: Even Ice is Calorie Free! If you liked water, youll love Celery! Imagine water, but with a delightful crunch, and fibers that will leave you thinking of this meal for hours!

Hahaha you wish, fatass!

They look like chocolate, but cause you to lose weight at a dangerously fast rate; whats not to love? Pro-tip: Find out which of your relatives wears Depends using a Trojan Horse gift of Candy Leftovers? Theres always Valentines Day!

4) Sesame seeds 5) Vomit

Im sorry, but who can resist? Delightful textures, interesting new flavors, and the best part? You can always make your own for free! You want me to add a picture of what? - Ed. Slightly more Calorific than our other entries, consume with caution. PLEASE NOTE: The bagel underneath those seeds is not diet food. Stop That.

the pittiful news

november 18, 2011

have fathers, and those CONT PG 4 THKS CONT FROM PG 1 THKS that do (Suck it Orphans!) know that Papa is not likely to hand over a blank check quite yet. Your next option is as follows: Bring up your rich friends (imaginary though they may be). Enlighten your parents on the wonders of extended allowance, and explain in detail how your good friend John lives a happier life in every regard due to the weekly influx of adult money. If nothing else this will be a good arguing tool later; nothing rends the soul worse than hearing that your son wishes he belonged to a different family! Fortunately for all of us still in college, the economy is terrible. The second we leave we shall be boned, but until then we can use it as a bargaining chip. For Example: Oh, Mom and Dad, I have been trying Oh-So-Very-Hard to get a job out here in the City, but alas, it has all been to no avail! All I ever wanted was to stand on my own two feet, but it seems that until I acquire this Communications degree, all doors are closed to me. Alack. As you can see, this paints the (Entirely fictional) picture of a hardworking go-getter college kid who only wants to do right. This also has the added bonus of swaying your father as much as your mother; he understands how you feel in this economy. Now, however, we come to the end of the line. Your parents have heard you out, you have shared all the delightfully horrid anecdotes you can, but your hand remains empty. What now? Lie. Seriously, just straight-up lie to your parents. Tell them about your straight As, your hardcore studyhabits, how your friends think youre weird for not partying on weekends

W O R D S TO I M P R E S S T H E L A D I E S Hey Babe, wanna take a look at my meat thermometer?

WILLS BUTLER Staff Contributor

There will be no Horn o Plenty for this little guy; most iguanas arent invited to Thanksgiving Dinners WILLS BULTER - CAPTION PRO because you know your parents wouldnt approve. Tell them youre joining a group for campus celibacy and need money for the club dues. Say you were robbed by the campus Robin Hood.

JOIN THE CLUB meetings monday 8:31pm willam pitt union room 510
Editor-In-Chief Senior Writer Senior Writer Staff Captioneer Staff Editor Staff Contributor Staff Writer

Say you lent your money out to a friend to pay for lifesaving surgery but she stopped talking to you because you did it CONTRIBUTING STAFF anonymously and she thought you didnt care. Say you have to buy a Kelsey Henke plane ticket to visit your new girlfriend in Iceland (Bjork her? I Wills Butler barely know her!). Just remember the following: Honey, do you need money? Oh mother, I could never Alex Semedei take your hard earned money, I am Emily Croushore not worthy! I know what Ill be giving thanks for.