I'm a modern man, digital and smoke-free; a man for the millennium.

A diversified, multi-cultural, post-modern deconstructionist; politically, anatomically and ecologically incorrect.

I've been uplinked and downloaded, I've been inputted and outsourced. I know the upside of downsizing, I know the downside of upgrading. I'm a high-tech low-life. A cutting-edge, state-of-the-art, bi-coastal multi-tasker, and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond. I'm new-wave, but I'm old-school; and my inner child is outward-bound. I'm a hot-wired, heat-seeking, warm-hearted cool customer; voice-activated and biodegradable. I interface with my database; my database is in cyberspace; so I'm interactive, I'm hyperactive, and from time to time I'm radioactive. Behind the eight ball, ahead of the curve, ridin' the wave, dodgin' the bullet, pushin' the envelope. I'm on point, on task, on message, and off drugs. I've got no need for coke and speed; I've got no urge to binge and purge. I'm in the moment, on the edge, over the top, but under the radar. A high-concept, low-profile, medium-range ballistic missionary. A street-wise smart bomb. A top-gun bottom-feeder. I wear power ties, I tell power lies, I take power naps, I run victory laps. I'm a totally ongoing, big-foot, slam-dunk rainmaker with a pro-active outreach. A raging workaholic, a working rageaholic; out of rehab and in denial. I've got a personal trainer, a personal shopper, a personal assistant, and a personal agenda. You can't shut me up; you can't dumb me down. 'Cause I'm tireless, and I'm wireless. I'm an alpha-male on beta-blockers. I'm a non-believer, I'm an over-achiever; Laid-back and fashion-forward. Up-front, downhome; low-rent, high-maintenance. I'm super-sized, long-lasting, high-definition, fast-acting, oven-ready and built to last. A hands-on, footloose, knee-jerk head case; prematurely post-traumatic, and I have a love child who sends me hate-mail. But I'm feeling, I'm caring, I'm healing, I'm sharing. A supportive, bonding, nurturing primary-care giver. My output is down, but my income is up. I take a short position on the long bond, and my revenue stream has its own cash flow. I read junk mail, I eat junk food, I buy junk bonds, I watch trash sports. I'm gender-specific, capital-intensive, user-friendly and lactose-intolerant.

I like rough sex; I like tough love. I use the F-word in my e-mail. And the software on my hard drive is hard-coreno soft porn. I bought a microwave at a mini-mall. I bought a mini-van at a mega-store. I eat fast food in the slow lane. I'm toll-free, bite-size, ready-to-wear, and I come in all sizes. A fully equipped, factory-authorized, hospital-tested, clinically-proven, scientificallyformulated medical miracle. I've been pre-washed, pre-cooked, pre-heated, pre-screened, pre-approved, pre-packaged, post-dated, freeze-dried, double-wrapped and vacuum-packed. And . . . I have unlimited broadband capacity. I'm a rude dude, but I'm the real deal. Lean and mean. Cocked, locked and ready to rock; rough, tough and hard to bluff. I take it slow, I go with the flow; I ride with the tide, I've got glide in my stride. Drivin' and movin', sailin' and spinnin'; jivin' and groovin', wailin' and winnin'. I don't snooze, so I don't lose. I keep the pedal to the metal and the rubber on the road. I party hearty, and lunchtime is crunch time. I'm hangin' in, there ain't no doubt; and I'm hangin' tough. Over and out.

On Religion

When it comes to bullshit, big-time, major league bullshit, you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims, religion. No contest. No contest. Religion. Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told. Think about it. Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time! But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He's all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can't handle money! Religion takes in billions of dollars, they pay no taxes, and they always need a little more. Now, you talk about a good bullshit story. Holy Shit! But I want you to know something, this is sincere, I want you to know, when it comes to believing in God, I really tried. I really, really tried. I tried to believe that there is a
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God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is fucked up. Something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption, and the Ice Capades. Something is definitely wrong. This is not good work. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed. Results like these do not belong on the rsum of a Supreme Being. This is the kind of shit you'd expect from an office temp with a bad attitude. And just between you and me, in any decently-run universe, this guy would've been out on his all-powerful ass a long time ago. And by the way, I say "this guy", because I firmly believe, looking at these results, that if there is a God, it has to be a man. No woman could or would ever fuck things up like this. So, if there is a God, I think most reasonable people might agree that he's at least incompetent, and maybe, just maybe, doesn't give a shit. Doesn't give a shit, which I admire in a person, and which would explain a lot of these bad results. So rather than be just another mindless religious robot, mindlessly and aimlessly and blindly believing that all of this is in the hands of some spooky incompetent father figure who doesn't give a shit, I decided to look around for something else to worship. Something I could really count on. And immediately, I thought of the sun. Happened like that. Overnight I became a sunworshipper. Well, not overnight, you can't see the sun at night. But first thing the next morning, I became a sun-worshipper. Several reasons. First of all, I can see the sun, okay? Unlike some other gods I could mention, I can actually see the sun. I'm big on that. If I can see something, I don't know, it kind of helps the credibility along, you know? So everyday I can see the sun, as it gives me everything I need; heat, light, food, flowers in the park, reflections on the lake, an occasional skin cancer, but hey. At least there are no crucifixions, and we're not setting people on fire simply because they don't agree with us. Sun worship is fairly simple. There's no mystery, no miracles, no pageantry, no one asks for money, there are no songs to learn, and we don't have a special building where we all gather once a week to compare clothing. And the best thing about the sun, it never tells me I'm unworthy. Doesn't tell me I'm a bad person who needs to be saved. Hasn't said an unkind word. Treats me fine. So, I worship the sun. But, I don't pray to the sun. Know why? I wouldn't presume on our friendship. It's not polite. I've often thought people treat God rather rudely, don't you? Asking trillions and trillions of prayers every day. Asking and pleading and begging for favors. Do this, gimme that, I need a new car, I want a better job. And most of this praying takes place on Sunday His day off. It's not nice. And it's no way to treat a friend.

But people do pray, and they pray for a lot of different things, you know, your sister needs an operation on her crotch, your brother was arrested for defecating in a mall. But most of all, you'd really like to fuck that hot little redhead down at the convenience store. You know, the one with the eyepatch and the clubfoot? Can you pray for that? I think you'd have to. And I say, fine. Pray for anything you want. Pray for anything, but what about the Divine Plan? Remember that? The Divine Plan. Long time ago, God made a Divine Plan. Gave it a lot of thought, decided it was a good plan, put it into practice. And for billions and billions of years, the Divine Plan has been doing just fine. Now, you come along, and pray for something. Well suppose the thing you want isn't in God's Divine Plan? What do you want Him to do? Change His plan? Just for you? Doesn't it seem a little arrogant? It's a Divine Plan. What's the use of being God if every run-down shmuck with a two-dollar prayerbook can come along and fuck up Your Plan? And here's something else, another problem you might have: Suppose your prayers aren't answered. What do you say? "Well, it's God's will." "Thy Will Be Done." Fine, but if it's God's will, and He's going to do what He wants to anyway, why the fuck bother praying in the first place? Seems like a big waste of time to me! Couldn't you just skip the praying part and go right to His Will? It's all very confusing. So to get around a lot of this, I decided to worship the sun. But, as I said, I don't pray to the sun. You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci. Two reasons: First of all, I think he's a good actor, okay? To me, that counts. Second, he looks like a guy who can get things done. Joe Pesci doesn't fuck around. In fact, Joe Pesci came through on a couple of things that God was having trouble with. For years I asked God to do something about my noisy neighbor with the barking dog, Joe Pesci straightened that cocksucker out with one visit. It's amazing what you can accomplish with a simple baseball bat. So I've been praying to Joe for about a year now. And I noticed something. I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about the same 50% rate. Half the time I get what I want, half the time I don't. Same as God, 50-50. Same as the four-leaf clover and the horseshoe, the wishing well and the rabbit's foot, same as the Mojo Man, same as the Voodoo Lady who tells you your fortune by squeezing the goat's testicles, it's all the same: 5050. So just pick your superstition, sit back, make a wish, and enjoy yourself. And for those of you who look to The Bible for moral lessons and literary qualities, I might suggest a couple of other stories for you. You might want to look at the Three Little Pigs, that's a good one. Has a nice happy ending, I'm sure you'll like that. Then there's Little Red Riding Hood, although it does have that X-rated part where the Big Bad Wolf actually eats the grandmother. Which I didn't care for, by the way. And finally, I've always drawn a great deal of moral comfort from Humpty Dumpty. The part I like the best? "All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty
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Dumpty back together again." That's because there is no Humpty Dumpty, and there is no God. None, not one, no God, never was. In fact, I'm gonna put it this way. If there is a God, may he strike this audience dead! See? Nothing happened. Nothing happened? Everybody's okay? All right, tell you what, I'll raise the stakes a little bit. If there is a God, may he strike me dead. See? Nothing happened, oh, wait, I've got a little cramp in my leg. And my balls hurt. Plus, I'm blind. I'm blind, oh, now I'm okay again, must have been Joe Pesci, huh? God Bless Joe Pesci. Thank you all very much. Joe Bless You!]

167

One smart fellow, he felt smart. Two smart fellows, they felt smart. Three smart fellows, they felt smart. Four smart fellows, they felt smart. Five smart fellows, they felt smart. Six smart fellows, they felt smart.
170

But a harder thing still to do.

What a to do to die today At a quarter or two to two. A terrible difficult thing to say But a harder thing still to do. The dragon will come at the beat of the drum With a rat-a-tat-tat a-tat-tat a-tat-to At a quarter or two to two today, At a quarter or two to two.
from a college drama class 171

Love's a feeling you feel when you feel you're going to feel the feeling you've never felt before.
227

Suzie, Suzie, working in a shoeshine shop. All day long she sits and shines, all day long she shines and sits, and sits and shines, and shines and sits, and sits and shines, and shines and sits. Suzie, Suzie, working in a shoeshine shop.

Tommy, Tommy, toiling in a tailor's shop. All day long he fits and tucks, all day long he tucks and fits, and fits and tucks, and tucks and fits, and fits and tucks, and tucks and fits. Tommy, Tommy, toiling in a tailor's shop.
sung by Ian Mackintosh 241

There once was a man who had a sister, his name was Mr. Fister. Mr. Fister's sister sold sea shells by the sea shore. Mr. Fister didn't sell sea shells, he sold silk sheets. Mr. Fister told his sister that he sold six silk sheets to six shieks. The sister of Mr. Fister said I sold six shells to six shieks too!

254

A twister of twists once twisted a twist. and the twist that he twisted was a three-twisted twist. now in twisting this twist, if a twist should untwist, would the twist that untwisted untwist the twists?
255 261

Whether the weather be fine or whether the weather be not. Whether the weather be cold or whether the weather be hot. We'll weather the weather whether we like it or not.
289

Theophilus Thadeus Thistledown, the succesful thistle-sifter, while sifting a sieve-full of unsifted thistles, thrust three thousand thistles through the thick of his thumb. Now, if Theophilus Thadeus Thistledown, the succesful thistle-sifter, thrust three thousand thistles through the thick of his thumb, see that thou, while sifting a sieve-full of unsifted thistles, thrust not three thousand thistles through the thick of thy thumb.
293

Admidst the mists and coldest frosts, With stoutest wrists and loudest boasts, He thrusts his fists against the posts, And still insists he sees the ghosts.
300

A flea and a fly in a flue, were imprisoned. So what could they do? Said the fly, "Let us flee". Said the flea, "Let us fly". So they flew through a flaw in the flue.
301

King Thistle stuck a thousand thistles in the thistle of his thumb. A thousand thistles King Thistle stuck in the thistle of his thumb. If King Thistle stuck a thousand thistles in the thistle of his thumb, How many thistles did King Thistle stick in the thistle of his thumb?
302

Five fat friars frying flat fish.

303

The bottle of perfume that Willy sent was highly displeasing to Millicent. Her thanks were so cold that they quarreled, I'm told o'er that silly scent Willy sent Millicent
304

Esau Wood sawed wood. All the wood Esau Wood saw, Esau Wood would saw. All the wood Wood saw, Esau sought to saw. One day Esau Wood's wood-saw would saw no wood. So Esau Wood sought a new wood-saw. The new woodsaw would saw wood. Oh, the wood Esau Wood would saw. Esau sought a saw that would saw wood as no other wood-saw would saw. And Esau found a saw that would saw as no other wood-saw would saw. And Esau Wood sawed wood.
311

Ed Nott was shot and Sam Shott was not. So it is better to be Shott than Nott. Some say Nott was not shot. But Shott says he shot Nott. Either the shot Shott shot at Nott was not shot, or Nott was shot. If the shot Shott shot shot Nott, Nott was shot. But if the shot Shott shot shot Shott, the shot was Shott, not Nott. However, the shot Shott shot shot not Shott - but Nott. So, Ed Nott was shot and

that's hot! Is it not?

314

If Dr. Seuss Were a Technical Writer.....

Here's an easy game to play. Here's an easy thing to say: If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report! If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash! You can't say this? What a shame, sir! We'll find you another game, sir. If the label on the cable on the table at your house, Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol, That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang! When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk, Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to ram your rom. Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!
from the Unix fortune database, attributed to DementDJ@ccip.perkin-elmer.com in the rec.humor.funny newsgroup 318

A Tudor who tooted the flute tried to tutor two tooters to toot. Said the two to the tutor, "Is it harder to toot or to tutor two tooters to toot?"
319

328

I thought a thought. But the thought I thought Wasn't the thought I thought I thought. If the thought I thought I thought, Had been the thought I thought, I wouldn't have thought I thought.
334

341

351

Three Tree Turtles

Three tree turtles took turns talking tongue twisters. If three tree turtles took turns talking tongue twisters, where's the twisters the three tree turtles talked?
352

My Friend Gladys
Oh, the sadness of her sadness when she's sad. Oh, the gladness of her gladness when she's glad. But the sadness of her sadness, and the gladness of her gladness, Are nothing like her madness when she's mad!
355

Give me the gift of a grip-top sock, A clip drape shipshape tip top sock. Not your spinslick slapstick slipshod stock, But a plastic, elastic grip-top sock. None of your fantastic slack swap slop From a slap dash flash cash haberdash shop. Not a knick knack knitlock knockneed knickerbocker sock With a mock-shot blob-mottled trick-ticker top clock. Not a supersheet seersucker rucksack sock, Not a spot-speckled frog-freckled cheap sheik's sock Off a hodge-podge moss-blotched scotch-botched block. Nothing slipshod drip drop flip flop or glip glop

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Tip me to a tip top grip top sock.

articulation warmup for actors 363

Federal Express is now called FedEx. When I retire I'll be a FedEx ex. But if I'm an officer when I retire, I'll be an ex Fedex Exec. Then after a divorce, my ex-wife will be an ex FedEx exec's ex. If I rejoin FedEx in time, I'd be an ex ex FedEx exec. When we remarry, my wife will be an ex ex FedEx exec's ex.
366

Customer: Do you have soothers? Shopkeeper (thinking he had said "scissors"): No, we don't have scissors. Customer: Soothers! Shopkeeper : No, we don't have scissors or soothers. ... scissors or soothers, scissors or soothers, scissors or soothers, ...
actual conversation in a shop in Canada, recorded by Don Monson 367

Tommy, Tommy, toiling in a tailor's shop. All day long he fits and tucks, all day long he tucks and fits, and fits and tucks, and tucks and fits, and fits and tucks, and tucks and fits. Tommy, Tommy, toiling in a tailor's shop.
374

I bought a bit of baking powder and baked a batch of biscuits. I brought a big basket of biscuits back to the bakery and baked a basket of big biscuits. Then I took the big basket of biscuits and the basket of big biscuits and mixed the big biscuits with the basket of biscuits that was next to the big basket and put a bunch of biscuits from the basket into a biscuit mixer and brought the basket of biscuits and the box of mixed biscuits and the biscuit mixer to the bakery and opened a tin of sardines.
Said to be a diction test for would-be radio announcers: To be read clearly, without mistakes, in less than 20 seconds (from Coronet Magazine, August 1948). 375 376

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I'm a mother pheasant plucker, I pluck mother pheasants. I'm the most pleasant mother pheasant plucker, to ever pluck a mother pheasant. Actually, ... I'm Not the pheasant plucker, I'm the pheasant plucker's son. But I'll stay and pluck the pheasants Till the pheasant plucking 's done!
406 436

The Final Fixing of the Foolish Fugitive

Feeling footloose, fancy-free and frisky, this feather-brained fellow finagled his fond father into forking over his fortune. Forthwith, he fled for foreign fields and frittered his farthings feasting fabulously with fair-weather friends. Finally, fleeced by those folly filled fellows and facing famine, he found him-self a feed flinger in a filthy farmlot. He fain would have filled his frame with foraged food from fodder fragments. "Fooey! My father's flunkies fare far fancier," the frazzled fugitive fumed feverishly, frankly facing fact. Frustrated from failure and filled with forebodings, he fled for his family. Falling at his father's feet, he floundered forlornly. "Father, I have flunked and fruitlessly forfeited further family favors . . ." But the faithful father, forestalling further flinching, frantically flagged his flunkies to fetch forth the finest fatling and fix a feast. But the fugitive's fault finding frater, faithfully farming his father's fields for free, frowned at this fickle forgiveness of former falderal. His fury flashed, but fussing was futile. His foresighted father figured, "Such filial fidelity is fine, but what forbids fervent festivities? The fugitive is found! Unfurl the flags! With fanfare flaring, let fun, frolic and frivolity flow freely, former failures forgotten and folly forsaken." Forgiveness forms a firm foundation for future fortitude. (Sir John Hensch of London)
449

Dick had a dog, the dog dug, the dog dug deep, how deep did Dick's dog dig?

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Dick had a duck, the duck dived, the duck dived deep, how deep did Dick's duck dive? Dick's duck dived as deep as Dick's dog dug!
by Alexandra Hunt (11 years old) 453

Never trust a sloppy crust, a squally gust, ships that rust, or girls with lust.
But if you must, you may trust to go bust, and back to dust, which serves you just.
on board of a Victory Ship in the 1940s 454

A sad story about Nobody

This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realised that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody, when Nobody did, what Anybody could have done.
455

Mr Knott and Mr Watt on the Phone

Hello? Who's calling? Watt. What's your name? Watt's my name. Yes, what is your name? My name is John Watt. John what? Yes.

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... I'll call on you this afternoon. All right, are you Jones? No, I'm Knott. Will you tell me your name, then? Will Knott. Why not? My name is Knott. Not what? Not Watt. Knott. What?
460

M. R. Ducks M.R. not Ducks O. S. M. R. L. I'll B. M. R. Ducks!

461

How much cash could a sasquatch stash if a sasquatch could stash cash?
by Janet Cashman-Shipman and family 462

A cunning young canner from Canning Once observed to his granny, "A canner can can a lot of things gran, But a canner can't can a can, can he?"
465

Upper roller, lower roller, upper roller, lower roller, upper roller, lower roller, ...
469

Deer, deer, oh dear, oh dear, your career as a deer is over here no, no, oh no, although your career as a skellytun's begun.
The Roadkill Song

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Sheila is selling her shop at the seashore For shops at the seashore are so sure to lose And shes not so sure of what she should be selling Should Sheila sell seashells or should she sell shoes
Danny Kaye song, arround 1930 482

A canner exceedingly canny, One morning remarked to his granny, A canner can can, Anything that he can, But a canner can't can a can; can he?
Win Ivin 486

If your Bob doesnt give our Bob that bob That your Bob owes our Bob Our Bob will give your Bob a bob in the eye
487

V: Voil! In view, a humble vaudevillian veteran, cast vicariously as both victim and villain by the vicissitudes of Fate. This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is a vestige of the vox populi, now vacant, vanished. However, this valorous visitation of a by-gone vexation, stands vivified and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin van-guarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition. [carves V into poster on wall] V: The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta, held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous. [giggles] V: Verily, this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose, so let me simply add that it's my very good honor to meet you and you may call me V.

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