SLephen klng !

oyce 8eardon 1he ulary of Lllen 8lmbauer My Llfe aL 8ose 8ed

My Llfe aL 8ose 8ed by SLephen klng
e d l L e d b y !oyce 8eardon hu
ueslgned by Casey PampLon

1he ulary of Lllen 8lmbauer ls a rare documenL a record of Lhe mysLerlous evenLs aL 8ose 8ed
LhaL scandallzed SeaLLle socleLy aL Lhe LlmeevenLs LhaL can only be fully undersLood now LhaL
Lhe dlary has come Lo llghL

vlslL wwwbeaumonLunlverslLyneL Lo read more abouL lL

!oyce 8eardon
ueparLmenL of aranormal henomena
8eaumonL unlverslLy
SeaLLle WA


uear 8eader
ln Lhe summer of 1998 aL an esLaLe sale ln LvereLL WashlngLon l purchased a locked dlary
covered ln dusL wrlLlngs l belleved Lo be Lhose of Lllen 8lmbauer
8eaumonL unlverslLys ubllc Archlve ueparLmenL examlned Lhe paper Lhe lnk and Lhe blndlng
and deLermlned Lhe dlary Lo be auLhenLlc lL was Lhen phoLocopled aL my requesL
Lllen 8lmbauers dlary became Lhe sub[ecL of my masLers Lhesls and has haunLed me ever
slnce (Lxcuse Lhe pun!) !ohn and Lllen 8lmbauer were among Lhe ellLe of SeaLLles LurnofLhe
cenLury hlgh socleLy 1hey bullL an enormous prlvaLe resldence aL Lhe Lop of Sprlng SLreeL LhaL
became known as 8ose 8ed a sLrucLure LhaL has been Lhe source of much conLroversy ln a
forLyoneyear perlod aL leasL LwenLyslx lndlvlduals elLher losL Lhelr llves or dlsappeared wlLhln
lLs walls
Lllen 8lmbauers dlary excerpLs of whlch l offer here seL me on a personal course of dlscovery
LhaL has led Lo Lhe launchlng of an expedlLlon ShorLly l wlll lead a Leam of experLs ln psychlc
phenomena Lhrough Lhe doors of 8ose 8ed Lhe 8lmbauer LsLaLe ln an efforL Lo awaken Lhls
sleeplng glanL of psychlc power and Lo solve some of Lhe mysLerles my menLor Max
8urnsLhelm was unable Lo solve before he wenL mlsslng ln 8ose 8ed ln 1970 (l never meL ur
8urnsLhelm buL l conslder hls wrlLlngs Lhe mosL progresslve ln Lhe fleld of psychlc phenomena)
Many Lhanks Lo my publlshers 8eaumonL unlverslLy ress l hope Lhe publlcaLlon wlll wlden Lhe
publlcs percepLlon and accepLance of psychlc phenomena and flrmly anchor a fasclnaLlng
hlsLorlcal perlod ln Lhe growLh and expanslon of Lhe aclflc norLhwesL l have Laken greaL palns
Lo edlL Lhls documenL Lo a readable slze deleLlng Lhe repeLlLlve secLlons and omlLLlng Lhose l
found offenslve lor Lhe exLremely curlous or Lhe voyeurlsLlcally mlnded among you a porLlon
of Lhose edlLs can be found archlved on Lhe World Wlde Web aL wwwbeaumonLunlverslLyneL
hoLos of Lhe house can be vlewed on Lhe Web slLe as well
Cood readlng ln Lhe name of sclence l wlll pursue Lhe LruLh of 8ose 8ed wherever lL may lead
me
Slncerely
!oyce 8eardon A Mu hu
1he followlng are excerpLs Laken from Lllen
8lmbauers dlary daLed 19071928 Any and all edlLlng has been done aL my dlscreLlon Some
efforL has been made Lo proLecL Lhe lnLegrlLy of Mrs 8lmbauer and her descendanLs Lhough
never aL Lhe cosL of conLenL WhaL follows are Lhe words of Lllen 8lmbauer ln her own hand
wlLh as few edlLorlal commenLs as posslble
!oyce 8eardon november 2000
1 7 A p r l l 1 9 0 7 S e a L L l e
uear ulary
l flnd lL a somewhaL daunLlng Lask Lo endeavor Lo place my LhoughLs here lnslde your LrusLed
pages l scarcely know lf l am up Lo Lhe Lask buL as my head ls fllled wlLh lurld LhoughLs and my
hearL wlLh romance and posslblllLy l flnd l musL conflde ln someone and so lL ls Lo your pages l
now Lurn l have llved Lhese nlneLeen years ln full premonlLlon of LhaL Llme when a man would
come lnLo my hearL lnLo my llfe and Lhrlll me wlLh love passlon and romance 1haL Llme has
now come l swoon [usL Lhlnklng of !ohn 8lmbauer and some of my LhoughLs are noL aL all
becomlng of Lhe lady l am expecLed Lo be
My physlcal deslre does aL Llmes possess me Am l lnfluenced by my readlng of popular novels
as my moLher ls wonL Lo say or am l slnful as my faLher has lmplled (no noL wlLh words buL by
brandlng me wlLh hls ralsed eyebrows and scoldlng brow)?
l musL admlL here Loo Lo Lhe slmulLaneous lmpresslon LhaL danger lurks wlLhln an arms reach
ueaLh uread uesLrucLlon
8orn of gullL l wonder for Lhe unladyllke fanLasles Lo whlch l succumb when alone ln Lhe dark?
(Cr ls Lhe source of Lhese lmages someLhlng some force enLlrely exLerlor of myself as l am
prone Lo belleve?) uoes anoLher world exlsL?
lor lL seems Lo me lL musL a force aparL from human experlence A power all of lLs own and
noL one famlllar wlLh Lhe Cod Lo whom l pray
SomeLhlng darker exLernal oLherworldly SomeLhlng alLogeLher unknown
lL lurks ln Lhe shadows l feel lLs presence
l would be lylng here lf l dld noL admlL Lo a cerLaln Lhrlll Lhls loomlng sense of Lhe fuLure of Lhe
unknown affords me boLh Lhe unknown of whaL !ohn 8lmbauers Louch mlghL brlng Lo my llfe
as well as Lhls sense of a larger darker force aL play
!ohn 8lmbauer ls a parLner ln a large oll company Cmlcron 1 Cll along wlLh a Mr uouglas
osey an affable quleL genLleman whose company lve had Lhe good forLune Lo keep along
wlLh LhaL of hls wlfe hlllls Cll lm Lold holds greaL promlse as a fuel for llghLlng homes and
perhaps someday even heaLlng Lhem !ohn says LhaL oll waLer heaLers for Lhe home are all Lhe
rage ln Lhe LasL
kerosene ls belng used ln moLorcars l hope someday Lo perhaps Lake Lhe Lraln wlLh !ohn back
Lo ueLrolL where he does buslness wlLh Lhe 8ockefellers Ch buL my head splns wlLh such
fancy dlnner wlLh !ohn u hlmself! A bankers daughLer from SeaLLle WashlngLon! And yeL
l sense Lhe world ls abouL Lo unfold aL my flngerLlps !ohn ls Lhe key Lo LhaL world l feel cerLaln
we are Lo be engaged wlLhln Lhe monLh uare l say LhaL wlLh such honesLy? Cnly here ln your
pages uear ulary!
!ohn has ordered Lhe consLrucLlon of a grand house Crander Lhan any house ln all Lhe
sLaLe perhaps ln all Lhe land Pe Lells me of lL ofLen as lf lL ls Lo play a slgnlflcanL role ln my llfe
as well whlch l now feel (nearly) cerLaln lL wlll (l am blushlng as l wrlLe Lhls!) Pe has offered me
a moLorcar rlde Lo Lhe consLrucLlon slLe and l have accepLed WlLhln Lhe week we shall rlde
LogeLher Lo whaL may prove Lo be Lhe slLe of our fuLure happlness LogeLher
(Cne hopes for happlness 1hls dread l feelwlll lL Loo play a role? l can only hope and pray
LhaL Lhls sense of lmpendlng doom wlll be overcome by Lhe llghL and love my fuLure husband
and l shall share) 2
1 1 m a y 1 9 0 7 s e a L L l e
WlLh Lrembllng hand l flnd myself relucLanL Lo record ln your pages Lhe horrlble evenLs of Lhls
day Several weeks have passed slnce my lasL enLry weeks glven Lo one delay afLer anoLher
broughL on by !ohns buslness affalrs (or so lm Lold) my own lnflrmlLy (a womans monLhly
rlLual of roses as my moLher refers Lo lL) and !ohns apparenL lnablllLy Lo arrange a
convenlenL Llme for Lhe Lwo of us Lo vlslL Lhe consLrucLlon slLe AL lasL LhaL Llme was seL for Lo
day Lhls very day and l awalLed !ohns arrlval on Lhe fronL sLeps of my famlly home wlLh whaL
can only be descrlbed as a beaLlng breasL Such anLlclpaLlon!
Much Lo my dlsappolnLmenL (and Lo my moLhers Loo all Lhlngs confessed) an offer of
beLroLhal has noL been recelved
CerLalnly noL by me nor has !ohn approached my faLher (my moLher has lnformed me ln Lhe
sLrlcLesL of confldences) wlLh any dlscusslon of dowry My buL Lhe weeks have crawled by
slowly
1wlce lve been Lold by LrusLed frlends LhaL !ohns moLorcar or one [usL llke lL was spoLLed
laLe laLe aL nlghL on Lhe hlgh road beLween Lhe clLys loadlng wharfs and Lhe Plll where !ohn
currenLly makes hls resldence l am confldenL LhaL Lhese excurslons can be easlly explalned by
Lhe lmporLlng of barrels of oll Lo Lhose wharfsas Lhls happens aL all hours nlghL and day 8uL
of course a Llny parL of Lhe woman ln me fears anoLher LruLh alLogeLher as LhaL parL of Lown ls
known for lLs debaucherles Who ls Lhls man l hope Lo marry? l scarcely know!
My fears have found Lhelr way lnLo my prayers and l flnd myself ln sln maklng sllenL requesLs
Lo Lhe powers LhaL surround us Lo punlsh !ohn 8lmbauer lf any Lransgresslons be known !usL
lasL week as l made such a dark prayer aL Lhe slde of my bed an enormous wlndqulLe
llke noLhlng lve ever seenLook wlng and dellvered noL only a branch buL an enLlre Lree Lo my
wlndow shaLLerlng glass and Lhrowlng debrls as lL was 3
rlpped from lLs rooLs Cddly no oLher Lree ln our yard was affecLed nor dld any nelghbor reporL
any such wlnd l aLLrlbuLe LhaL reckonlng Lo Lhe very subsLanLlal power of prayer Lhough
my moLher calls such reasonlng foollsh desplLe her belng a woman of ChrlsL uear ulary leL me
Lell you Lhls lf LhaL Lree had anyLhlng whaLsoever Lo do wlLh my prayer lL had noLhlng Lo do
wlLh ChrlsL Cn LhaL evenlng nelLher ChrlsL nor Cod were ln my prayers Ch falnL of hearL
dare noL read on
lor lL was Lo Plm l prayed 1he oLher Plm 1he oLher slde lor lf Lransgresslons have been made
Lhen !ohn 8lmbauer has already swlLched hls alleglance wheLher aware of lL or noL lL ls Lo Pls
ower LhaL l pray
l have Laken a momenL Lo lock Lhe door (l am sLaylng Lhese nlghLs ln my slsLers room whlle
repalrs conLlnue Lo my own) lncreaslngly l feel as lf someone ls readlng over my shoulder as l
wrlLe !ohn? My moLher? l know noL 8uL lL ls a dlsLurblng noLlon and one LhaL requlres of me
cerLaln precauLlons Lo whlch l have now dedlcaLed myself l noL only lock Lhe blndlng of Lhls
dlary buL l secure lL safely ln a locked drawer as well Lhe small keys kepL around my neck and
hldden down my dress on a sllver necklace once worn by my greaLgrandmoLher CllchrlsL
CerLaln small oddlLles evenLs unexplalned conLlnue Lo perplex me and drlve me Lo Lhese
precauLlons ( !usL yesLerday my halrbrush swlLched sldes of Lhe slnk all of lLs own as l ran
waLer on my face l swear lLs Lrue! l llfLed my head Lo flnd Lhe brush avallable Lo Lhe lefL hand
when only momenLs before lL had been held ln my rlghL!) Some furnlLure has been found ouL of
place
Cne of my dresser drawers sLuck yesLerday (Lhe one bearlng love leLLers from !ohn) and would
noL come open even under Lhe efforLs of llcherL our buLler
1oday lm Lold llcherL wlll remove Lhe back of Lhe dresser ln an efforL Lo reach Lhe drawers
conLenLs lf Laken lndlvldually noL one of Lhese small evenLs 4
would maLLer Lo me 8uL collecLlvely? Are Lhey Lo be lgnored? l flnd myself boLh Lerrlfled and
Lhrllledso perhaps l am Lo blame noL only for my slnful prayers Lo Lhe oLher ower buL for my
lnnaLe curloslLy and fasclnaLlon wlLh Lhe oLherworldly quallLy of Lhese apparenLly dlsconnecLed
evenLs 1he uevlls due do you suppose?
8uL walL! 1o Lhe evenLs of Lhls day!
!ohn 8lmbauer plcked me up Lhls mornlng aL 10 AM ln an auLomoblle made by Clds lL ls one
of only a few such vehlcles ln all Lhe clLy 1he buggy was qulLe loud and Lhe experlence
alLogeLher exhllaraLlng Lhough bumpy and somewhaL Lerrlfylng aL Llmes !ohn drovel belleve
qulLe well Lhough who am l Lo know? WesL on Sprlng SLreeL Lo Lhe slLe of Lhe consLrucLlon LhaL
preoccuples hlm
1he Lrlp consumed some flfLeen mlnuLesLhe house ls Lo be bullL aLop a hlll LhaL overlooks Lhe
clLy 1wlce l was nearly Lhrown ouL Lhe slde (or so l lmaglned! !ohn assured me l was safe all
along)
!ohn 8lmbauer ruggedly handsome ls a pragmaLlc man (whlch posslbly accounLs for hls
success ln Lhe oll buslness) exLremely sure of hlmself and even glven Lo momenLs of concelL
Pe remalns calm ln Lhe face of adverslLy wheLher a fourhorse Leam blocklng Lhe road or a
sLorm on Lhe hlgh seas ( !ohn ls exLremely well Lraveled havlng vlslLed Asla Lhe Amerlcas and
Lurope) l flnd hls sLrengLh boLh comforLlng and dlsarmlng ln LhaL !ohn ls ofLen an
unpredlcLable mlxLure of Lolerance and lnLolerance l have never been on Lhe recelvlng end of
hls lll Lemper buL woe Lo Lhose who are Cf course l donL wlsh Lo be nor wlll l LoleraLe such
feroclLy dlrecLed aL me or our chlldren
( !usL Lhe LhoughL of chlldren floods me wlLh a keen passlonaLe warmLh Lhe llkes of whlch lve
only read abouL ln my novels
erhaps MoLher ls rlghL!) l should llke Lo relaLe here my recollecLlon of an exchange we had on
Lhe Lrlp over
3
!ohn dear l sald do you suppose l should have offended my moLher by my refusal of a
chaperone?
?oure a grown woman of nlneLeen Ll (l love Lhls nlckname for me he has chosen!) ?our
moLher was marrled and wlLh her second chlld by Lhe Llme she was your age l doubL very much
you could do anyLhlng Lo shock her
?ou donL know her as l do l sald
l am Lwlce your age l should lmaglne LhaL concerns your parenLs
Lspeclally as Lo my lnLenLlons Pe lowered hls eyes Lo me runnlng Lhem down Lhe full lengLh
of my dress Lo where l felL falnL Pe undersLands full well Lhls power he has over me uses lL
playfully buL on Lhls occaslonand Lhere have been oLhers LruLh be LoldlL was noL so much
playful as provocaLlve and he made no efforL Lo dlsgulse or conceal hls lusL l felL cerLaln of lL aL
Lhe Llme And whaL was l Lo do? l glggled all nerves of course 8lushed no doubL l felL Lhe heaL
ln my cheeks 8uL l kepL my chln hlgh and my eyes on Lhe muddy road ahead
And whaL are your lnLenLlons? l asked suppresslng a smlle
1o ravlsh you of course 1o pluck your lnnocence from Lhe vlne of youLh and leave you for
Lhe nexL man Lo marry
And my faLher wlll come afLer you wlLh axe and rope
And you? Wlll you refuse me?
?our socalled ravlshlng of course unLll we are marrled
Lngaged or marrled?
Weve had oLher fun !ohn 8lmbauer CerLalnly l musL have blushed agaln for l felL lL ln
my face We had Louched We had klssed Pls sLrong hands knew Lhe shape of my bosom
(Lhough never skln Lo skln!) Cnce whlle danclng he had pressed hlmself Lo me and l had
known of hls arousal 8uL he had yeL Lo know of mlne MoLhers cauLlons of a ladys 6
behavlor fall flaL on my ears She llved ln anoLher Llme All Lhe glrls Lalk of Louchlng Lhelr
menof pleaslng Lhem lf for no oLher reason ln an efforL Lo quell Lhelr deslres and proLecL
Lhelr own vlrglnlLy LhaL mosL sacred of marrlage rlLes
!ohns age perhaps has accounLed for no such need on my parL Pe ls experlenced
l Lreasure hls worldllness and belleve lL affords me much opporLunlLy
And more Lo come he sald l LrusL we boLh wlll flnd
he searched for hls words greaL reward ln marrlage
!ohn! l blurLed ouL llke some snlvellng Lwelveyearold
Marrlage?
aLlence my dear never push me never challenge my declslons lf you hold Lo Lhese Lwo
vlrLues we wlll never have a slngle quarrel you and l l am lord and masLer of my house l have
worked long and hard Lo earn noL only a small forLune buL Lhe rlghL Lo sLake ouL my own
LerrlLory and LhaL LerrlLory lncludes oplnlon ?ou undersLand LhaL donL you dearesL?
?es !ohn
no reservaLlons
none
8ecause l am well aware of suffrage and have no quarrel wlLh a persons sLrlvlng for
lndlvldual freedoms More power Lo Lhem
8uL noL ln my home you undersLand? ?ou wlll flnd l can be a mosL generous mosL lovlng
parLner my dear 8uL [usL ask Mr
osey whaL happens when my parLners beLray my LrusL or break agreemenLs
l am offerlng you many Lhlngs ln sharlng a llfe wlLh me lreedom ls noL necessarlly one of
Lhem
!ohn 8lmbauer are you proposlng marrlage Lo me? 1hls l fear ls all l was Lhlnklng All LhaL l
heard Cnly now as l wrlLe down my recollecLlon of evenLs only now as l recall Lhose words of
hls clearly do l feel Lhelr full lmporL
aLlence my dear aLlence A smug smlle l felL for sure l 7
knew whaL Lhls day held ln sLore As lL Lurned ouL l couldnL have been more wrong nelLher
!ohn nor l could have posslbly foreseen evenLs as Lhey were abouL Lo unfold
1he properLy !ohn purchased Lo hold hls manslon hls grand sLaLemenL of achlevemenL and
success ls noLhlng shorL of specLacular lL ls crowned wlLh a Lall foresL of cedar and plne and
workers have cleared nearly slx of Lhe forLy acres Lo hold Lhe houself someLhlng so large can
be called LhaL! (l could noL belleve Lhe plans !ohn showed me!) 1hough well ouL of Lhe clLy Lhe
house slLs aL Lhe muddy end of Sprlng SLreeL lrom Lhls locaLlon one can see Lhe enLlre clLy
below
SpecLacular! !usL wesL of Lhe properLy ls a LracL LhaL lm Lold runs all Lhe way Lo Canada and
souLh as far as Mexlco Pow my lmaglnaLlon runs wlld wlLh Lhe LhoughL one road spannlng Lhe
enLlre counLry
!usL Lhlnk! 1he redwood foresLs San lranclsco Los Angeles where Lhey are now maklng fllms
(noL qulLe Lwo years ago when a Lravellng pro[ecLlonlsL broughL lL Lo Lown l saw Le
voyagedans la Lune A 1rlp Lo Lhe Moon adapLed from Lhe novel by !ules vernel loved Lhls
book! 1he fllm was flfLeen mlnuLes long Lhe longesL ever made aL Lhe Llme and was shown aL
laLhers bank of all places because lL had Lhe largesL whlLe wall LhaL could be found) l adore
moLlon plcLures slmply love acLors and acLresses and hope LhaL !ohn and l wlll lnclude Lhem as
our guesLs when we make our home LogeLherbuL lm geLLlng ahead of myself! 1he properLy
ls accessed from Lhe wesL !ohn parked Lhe Clds qulLe some dlsLance from Lhe consLrucLlona
glganLlc hole ln Lhe ground ls all!and bless hls hearL had had workers lay a sLrlng of redwood
planks wlde enough Lo walk upon so l mlghL avold Lhe mud and ooze Porsedrawn wagons
came and wenL burdened and brlmmlng wlLh maLerlals ordered by Lhe foreman Wllllamson a
blg lrlshlooklng man wlLh florld 8
cheeks a broad musLache and a surly dlsposlLlon Pe dld noL appreclaLe a woman belng on Lhe
premlses l can Lell you LhaL
(Pe made several lnslnuaLlons upon my arrlval LhaL ls unLll dear !ohn led hlm aslde by Lhe
elbow and had words wlLh hlm afLer whlch he lgnored me wlLh full conLempL Lhough was loaLh
Lo ouLwardly reveal hls dlsapproval of me l can only wonder now lf Lhls brlef alLercaLlon wlLh
my beloved an alLercaLlon LhaL resulLed from my aLLendance Lhere had someLhlng Lo do wlLh
Lhe evenLs LhaL would soon Lransplre Ch Cood Lord pray leL lL noL be so! nay do noL curse
me wlLh Lhe burden of losL llfe!)
l am forced Lo wonder now abouL my muslngs puL forLh ln my flrsL enLry Lo Lhese pages Was
whaL happened Loday aL Lhe grand house Lhe sense of forebodlng danger LhaL l felL so
sLrongly? 1he end of lL or [usL Lhe beglnnlng? 1he manlfesLaLlon of some dark power greaLer
Lhan can be lmaglned? Am l a parL of Lhls darkness or separaLe from lL? ConLrolled by lL or
lnsLead by my prayers?
1he pen Lrembles under my grasp as l search for Lhese answers
Am l ln facL already possessed? uare l Lhlnk LhaL? uare l wrlLe lL? uare l keep lL Lo myself for
fear of spolllng Lhe arrangemenLs already under way beLween my beloved and me? 8uL oh
Lhere l go agaln 8ack Lo Lhe day and Lhe Lragedy LhaL befell us
1he cavernous hole cuL lnLo Lhe earLh on LhaL foresLed slope so far from Lhe warmLh of my
famlly home forewarns of a sLrucLure ln scope and slze LhaL challenges even ones
lmaglnaLlon l admlL fully LhaL l had never vlslLed any consLrucLlon slLe prlor Lo my [ourney Lhls
day and LhaL perhaps because of Lhls lacklng l wrlLe wlLh whaL borders on lgnorance buL l am
no sLranger Lo archlLecLure l promlse you LhaL lurLhermore l now lnLend Lo lmmerse myself
ln Lhe sLudy of Lhls sclence along wlLh LhaL of consLrucLlon so as Lo appreclaLe fully Lhe efforLs
belng underLaken on our behalf 1he sheer enormlLy of lL! (l can only hope 9
Lhls does noL maLch my fuLure husbands ego or concelL for lf so l am ln for a formldable
challenge ln Lhe years LhaL lle ahead!) 1o my eye lL rlvals ln slze Lhe unlverslLy bulldlng LhaL
occuples Lhe hlll Lo Lhe souLh overlooklng Lhe clLy LhaL bulldlng LhaL newcomers nearly always
mlsLakenly aLLrlbuLe Lo be Lhe sLaLehouse l belleve !ohns houseour house!wlll dwarf Lhls
sLrucLure by such proporLlon as Lo render lL lnslgnlflcanL wlll so domlnaLe LhaL clearlng where lL
wlll sLand LhaL lL may be seen for mlles
Mlles! l Lell you! A landmark for generaLlons Lo come Why Lhe hole ln Lhe ground Lhe
foundaLlon ls a marvel of excavaLlon l waLched as fourmule Leams carved and cuL Lhe Lhlck
weL soll wlLh blades followed by workers busy wlLh shovels Lo flll wagons
Wagon afLer wagon hour afLer hour and barely a denL ln Lhe glanL cavlLy
1he scale of Lhls pro[ecL defles descrlpLlon l can only say LhaL noLhlng llke lL has ever been bullL
erhaps even LhaL noLhlng ever wlll be
1he evenL of Lhe day Lo whlch l wlsh Lo address myself however was one of horrlflc
consequences someLhlng no person cerLalnly noL a woman such as myself should ever have
Lo endure
8uL flrsL Lo our arrlval
As we sLudled Lhe magnlflcenL golngson Lhe laborers wlLh Lhelr shovels Lhe LeamsLers wlLh
Lhelr wagons Lhe supervlsors worklng Lhelr crews wlLh dlsclpllned paLlence (for Lhe hand
laborers are almosL enLlrely Chlnese or negro and need much supervlslon) l was sLruck by Lhe
mlllLaryllke organlzaLlon of lL all
An easy analogy glven Lhe sharp Longue of Wllllamson
1hls man Wllllamson was glven Lo large bones and a masslve head he had a commandlng
presence ShouLlng and gesLlculaLlng he seemed Lo possess a language of hand slgnals known
Lo all who worked for hlm buL especlally Lhose supervlsors lmmedlaLely hls [unlor Pe lorded
from Lhe porch of a roughhewn shanLy calllng names and Lhen wavlng hls arms llke a franLlc
blrd dlrecLlng dellverles Lhe removal of mud and dlrL and Lhe 10
efforLs of Lhe Leams erhaps !ohns aLLendance conLrlbuLed Lo Lhls mans nerves flxlng hlm ln
an aglLaLed sLaLe Pavlng noL meL Wllllamson prevlously on Lhls l cannoL commenL Powever l
musL Lell you uear ulary LhaL on no Lerms would l have wlshed Lo be employed by Mr
Wllllamson on Lhls day Pls blllous perfuncLory Lone carrled clear across Lhe consLrucLlon slLe
ofLen heard echolng rlghL back aL us as lf from Lhe mouLh of Cod
(noL an lnslgnlflcanL reference glven Lhe evenLs Lo follow) Lnough!
!ohn and l made our way Lo Lhe edge of Lhe glanL plL and were wlLness Lo Lhe flrsL of Lhe sLones
belng lald for Lhe grand homes foundaLlon 1hls as lL Lurned ouL was Lhe cause of our delay
Lhese many weeks !ohn had wanLed us Lo wlLness a momenLous occaslon noL slmply a hole
belng dug lnLo Lhe earLh (alLhough l musL confess here LhaL Lhe hole alone would have surely
lmpressed me as well) And Lhere below us a group of Len or more Chlnese rannoL walked
Lo and from a large plle of sLone lnspecLlng every angle before runnlngnoL walklngLhaL
sLone Lo a cuLLer who smacked lL wlLh a hammer and chlsel LhaL ralned sLone chlps ln small
showers all around hlm
lrom Lhere Lhe sLone was whlsked Lo one of several ScoLLlshlooklng genLlemen (lL was dlfflculL
Lo dlscern ancesLry glven our perspecLlve) who examlned Lhe rock nodded hls approval and
applylng morLar poslLloned lL ln place SLone by sLone Lhe flrsL of many of Lhe grand homes
walls began Lo grow as Lhe ScoLs worked as a Leam (l am Lold seven Lhousand sLones wlll be
used ln Lhe foundaLlon alone!) l found myself mesmerlzed by Lhe slghL !ohn as l recall had
several conversaLlons buL l scarcely heard hls words WhaL beauLy lL seemed almosL allve Lo
me noL as lf lL were belng bullL buL lnsLead growlng all of lLs own
1he Lhrlll of wlLnesslng Lhls ls hard Lo explaln here ln Lhese pages l found lL consumed me
awakened a heaL ln me noL unllke whaL !ohn 8lmbauer ls capable of wlLh slmply a Louch 11
or a whlsper uare l say l was moved by Lhls? 1he pleaslng fluldlLy 1he sweaLlng Chlnamen
some barechesLed flexlng and gllsLenlng as Lhey bore Lhelr burden l could noL Lake my eyes
off of Lhls acLlvlLy noL unLll LhaL ls Wllllamsons volce arose llke an lll wlnd curslng a sLrlng of
profanlLles LhaL forced such a blush on my parL my face musL have looked llke a rlpened cherry
A large oversLocked wagon belonglng Lo !ohn sLood ln fronL of Lhe foremans shack Lhe drlver
equally as blg as Mr
Wllllamson and equally verbose lL was clear even from a greaL dlsLance LhaL Mr Wllllamson
dld noL approve of Lhe quallLy of Lhe lLems belng dellvered l cannoL Lell you exacLly how l
dlscerned Lhls dlsLracLed even repulsed as l was by Lhe language lnvolved buL Lhe
conversaLlon beLween Lhem wenL someLhlng llke Lhls
1hls ls noL whaL we ordered Mr Corbln
1hls here ls whaL l was Lold Lo dellver
?ou should have checked your ***** load
l loaded Lhls ***** load mlsLer l dldnL have Lo check lLl loaded lL
Look aL Lhls quallLy lLs horse***L ure horse***L and youre Lelllng me lm supposed Lo
use Mr 8lmbauers money Lo pay for lL? l would ask you Lo reconslder LhaL poslLlon slr (l
mlghL add LhaL Lhls reference Lo !ohn lncllned me Lo belleve LhaL our presence Lhere Loday may
have lnfluenced Mr Wllllamsons response as well as hls aggresslve naLure)
l alnL reconslderlng no **** poslLlon And lL alnL **** and ld Lhank you slr noL Lo call lL
such
lL ls ****
lL ls Lhe goods you ordered 1hese are Lhem 8lghL here ln Mr 8lmbauers wagon now slgn
Lhe recelpL geL your Chlnamen Lo offload Lhe wagon and leL me geL ouL of Lhls hellhole of a 12
sLlnklng consLrucLlon slLe never seen so much yellow skln ln one place excepL maybe Lhe
rallroad And l donL llke rallroads!
?ou wlll lose your [ob for Lhose commenLs slr ?ou wlll never be a LeamsLer agaln wlLh LhaL
aLLlLude and LhaL mouLh of yours ?ou [usL walL unLll
unload Lhe *** **** wagon l goL me a daLe wlLh a beer aL Lhe MerchanL Cafe and youre
geLLlng ln Lhe way of LhaL and LhaL Lhere ls unseLLllng me a good deal 1haL Lhere ls whaL you
wanL Lo do rlghL now mlsLer unload Lhe **** wagon or prepare Lo eaL some horse***L!
1haLs lL! Lnough of you! 1urn Lhls Leam around 8eLurn Lhe wagon lLs Lhe lasL run youll
ever make
l recall Lhe LeamsLerMr Corblnreachlng lnLo Lhe back of !ohns wagon beneaLh a Larp
almosL as lf he were dlgglng for someLhlng And Lhen he Lurned Loward Wllllamson lrom a
dlsLance where l sLood l saw a puff of bluegray smoke llke a Llny cloud 1hen felL a punch ln
my sLomach as a dull boom fllled Lhe alr AnoLher small puff AnoLher boom 1he flrsL of Lhese
reporLs acLually llfLed Mr
Wllllamson off hls feeL Pe looked as lf someone had Lled a rope Lo Lhe back of hls Lrousers Lhe
oLher end Lo a horse and Lhen slapped LhaL horses behlnd 1he second of Lhe Lwo shoLgun
blasLs caughL Mr Wllllamson ln Lhe neck and face a bloody specLacle so horrlflc LhaL l was
lmmedlaLely slck Lo my sLomach
Pe lay Lhere on Lhe porch as sLlll as a sLaLue rosecolored and dead ld never seen a dead
person l dldnL know Lhe effecL lL would have on one 1he flnallLy 1he awareness LhaL l Loo
shall follow Mr Wllllamson Lo LhaL place
Peaven Pell l donL have Lhe vocabulary 1hose Lwo offerlngs donL help me l belleved ln
Peaven and Pell before Loday now lm noL convlnced Lhere are only Lhe Lwo places Lhe
black and whlLe of afLerllfe lm of Lhe 13
oplnlon LhaL gray musL exlsL Mr Wllllamson convlnced me l canL lmaglne a man wlLh LhaL
foul dlsposlLlon ln Peaven as l wrlLe buL whaL man who dles aL Lhe hands of anoLher deserves
Pell? And whaL of Mr Corbln? Where wlll Lhe afLerllfe place hlm?
uld l Lell you where Lhey found Mr Corbln? AL Lhe MerchanL Cafe of course Pls beer 1hey
found hlm benL over LhaL beer nurslng lL 1hey say he dldnL know where he was or whaL hed
done uldnL remember any of lL 1hey say he musL be crazy
Palf ouL of hls mlnd !ohn sald Lo me 8uL of course he means fully ouL of hls mlnd 1here
are many of us walklng around wlLh only half a mlnd 1hey donL lock you away for LhaL ?ou
need Lo lose lL all before Lhey Lake you and Mr
Corbln losL hls And Lhey Look hlm Cff Lo [all sLlll wonderlng whaL lL was hed done
lve heard Lhe Lerm possessed before lve heard lL used as an explanaLlon for someone
half ouL of hls mlnd A ChrlsLlan woman l have never glven such clalm much welghL
ossessed by 14
whaL? l wondered 8uLdare l wrlLe Lhls when wrlLlng seems so flnal an acL?now l beLLer
undersLand Lhe Lerm now l am lncllned Lo accepL lL lL perLalns Lo Lhe gray ln Lhe afLerllfe lL
perLalns Lo Lraglc people llke our Mr Corbln noL empLy as half ouL of ones mlnd lmplles
buL lnsLead fllled buL wlLh Lhe wrong elemenL 1he bad Lvll lllled wlLh LalnLed flsh Lhe
sLomach ls already lnformed buL has noL yeL slgnaled Lhe braln Lo reLch
lllled wlLh Lhe gray 1he oLher slde ossessed
Mr Corbln was possessed ln Lhls regard who do we blame for Lhe vlclous acL perpeLraLed
upon poor Mr Wllllamson? 1he possessed or Lhe possessor? Was Mr Corbln merely an
lnsLrumenL of Lhe gray?
lL wonL maLLer now Pell never be back among us Pe wlll hang ossessed or noL he wlll
hang And he wlll dlelegs LwlLchlng ln Lhe wlnd
1he grand house wlll never be Lhe same of course Mr
Wllllamsons blood ls spllled upon Lhe earLh ls mlxed wlLh Lhe mud and Lhe morLar ls parL of
LhaL place And l can no longer Lhlnk of lL as l have 1he blood ls spllled l saw lL wlLh my own
eyes Someplace beLween Peaven and Pell Some color beLween black and whlLe And l flnd
myself wanLlng a name for Lhe place seelng Mr Wllllamson lylng Lhere Pe canL have dled aL
Lhe grand house Pe dled someplace more lyrlcal Lhan LhaL l wlll Lalk Lo !ohn abouL Lhls for lL ls
hls house
8uL Lhe color l remember so vlvldly ls Lhe color rose 8ose red 8lood Lhlnned by a falllng mlsL
Cn Lhe way home ln Lhe car !ohn pulled off Lhe road came around and opened my door Pe
apologlzed for all LhaL had gone before us LhaL day as lf wed encounLered a delay or bad
servlce aL a resLauranL l recall belng amazed by hls apparenL lndlfference Lo Lhe faLe meL by
Mr Wllllamson Pe begged my forglveness for Lhe aggravaLlon of LhaL day whereas l
cerLalnly 13
bore hlm no blame for lL whaLsoever 1hen he dropped hls rlghL knee lnLo Lhe mud and l knew
whaL was comlng and l musL admlL Lo boLh elaLlon and revulslon
!ohn ls pragmaLlc l Lold you LhaL dldnL l?
1hls was on hls schedule and he refused Lo allow a small murder Lo derall hls plans As
he explalned lL he regreLLed very much Lhe evenLs of LhaL day buL hls hearL and passlon would
noL allow anoLher mlnuLe noL anoLher second Lo pass wlLhouL volclng hls lnLenL
Pe asked for my hand ln marrlage Clouded ln rose Clouded ln gray l am Lo be a wlfe !ohns
wlfe (lor l qulckly sald yes!) 8uL LruLh be Lold he plcked Lhe wrong day Lo ask Lhe wrong Llme
l am qulLe surprlsed ln facL LhaL he could noL see clear Lo delay Lhls engagemenL Lven a day or
Lwo mlghL have helped And afLer so long whaL dlfference ls ln a day?
8uL Lhere was a dlfference ln !ohn 8lmbauer l wonder lf lL Look anoLher mans deaLh Lo creaLe
ln hlm a deslre Lo exLend hls llneage or lf one had noLhlng Lo do wlLh Lhe oLher? WlLh llfe so
seemlngly fleeLlng dld he rush Lo [udgmenL Lo marry? l feel cerLaln we wlll dlscuss Mr
Wllllamsons demlse for many monLhs even years Lo come l belleve LhaL l saw ln !ohn a
fasclnaLlon wlLh deaLh l know LhaL for me uear ulary llfe wlll never be Lhe same
l wonder where lL ls LhaL Mr Wllllamson has gone ls Lhere any reLurn from Lhere? So many
unanswered quesLlons
WhaL lf anyLhlng does !ohns heslLaLlon Lo lnclude me ln hls LhoughLs Lell me abouL Lhe
upcomlng marrlage Lhls voyage on whlch lm abouL Lo embark? Pow far how smooLhly can
Lhls shlp sall lf CapLaln and llrsL MaLe are noL sharlng Lhelr LhoughLs? Are we doomed Lo Lhe
rocks? Cr ls Lhere some llghLhouse yeL Lo be seen around Lhe nexL splL of land? CapLaln oh
CapLaln My breasL swells wlLh LhoughL of my marrlage and all Lhe new experlence lL wlll brlng
Lo me l Llngle head Lo Loe
And yeL my hearL goes cold aL Lhe LhoughL of !ohns carefully kepL secreLs and hls 16
refusal Lo leL me ln Pe ls so relucLanL Lo share hls LhoughLs Wlll l ever galn enLry or am l
doomed Lo llve ln lsolaLlon desplLe our unlon? l fear Lhls ls how lLs Lo be and l dread Lhe
LhoughL of a llfe spenL ln a lle l dread Lhe LhoughL of Lhls marrlage as much as l am Lhrllled by lL
17
1 8 a u g u s L 1 9 0 7 s e a L L l e
As Lhe fuLure Mrs !ohn 8lmbauer (lLs Lhe only plauslble explanaLlon for Lhls) l was lnvlLed Lo
[oln Loday an ellLe group of LwenLyLhree women led by Anna Perr Cllse Lo address a healLh
care crlsls ln our greaL clLy namely Lhe lack of a faclllLy Lo LreaL crlppled and hungry chlldren
Cver an exLravaganL lunch aL Annas home we all agreed Lo conLrlbuLe LwenLy dollars each Lo
launch Lhe Chlldrens CrLhopedlc PosplLal 1he press gave us greaL aLLenLlon boLh because of
our slzable personal donaLlons ( !ohn provlded me Lhe LwenLy dollars Lhank Cod) and because
our board ls Lo conslsL enLlrely of women unLhlnkable Lo Lhe bankers downLown
l have subsequenLly lnvlLed all LwenLyLwo of my fellow founders Lo our weddlng Lhls
november and expecL all Lo aLLend l canL lmaglne whaL lL would be llke Lo have a crlppled
chlld and l hope and pray (yes even Lo my darker god) LhaL l shall never have Lo endure such a
hardshlp !ohn and l plan on a large famlly and l for one canL walL Lo geL sLarLedLhough noL
wlLhouL a greaL amounL of nervousness do l approach my weddlng nlghL qulLe afrald as l am of
Lhe acLual physlcal unlon of our love (1he ldea of a man lnslde me boLh slckens and exclLes
me) l wouldnL have boLhered Lo even menLlon Lhe feLe aL Annas excepL as a way Lo preface
my anxleLy over one rlscllla Schnubly a ferreL of a woman wlLh an exacLlng manner plnched
face and scandalous Longue ?es l lnvlLed her and her husband Lo Lhe weddlng ouL of proper
soclal lnLercourse buL my how Lhls woman vexes me! When l menLloned !ohn rlscllla
Schnubly snlckered for all Lo hear
She Lhen whlspered lnLo Lhe ear of 1lna Coleman who blushed as rose as Lhe spllled blood of
Mr Wllllamson and wenL on Lo refuse Lo share wlLh me Lhe exchange LhaL had Lransplred Lhere
beLween Lhem And yeL l know ln my womans hearL 18
LhaL whaLever lL was had Lo do wlLh !ohn and Lhe rumors of hls nlghLLlme acLlvlLles
uo l dare condemn !ohn for acLlons Laken prlor Lo our marlLal unlon? uoes such an ellglble man
owe me hls chasLlLy before we are offlclally wed? All Lhese quesLlons clrculaLe ln my mlnd wlLh
me knowlng noLhlng of Lhe LruLh Lo begln wlLh Would l noL prefer my fuLure husband sow hls
oaLs prlor Lo hls promlses Lhan Lo break Lhose promlses laLer? Am l personally humlllaLed ln
soclal clrcles for hls acLlons as Lhe snlckerlng rlscllla Schnubly would have me belleve? Am l Lo
be Lhe laughlngsLock of SeaLLles promlnenL women because my husband may prove lncapable
of belng a devoLed husband? Am l wllllng Lo Lrade LhaL for Lhe wealLh and prlvllege he ls cerLaln
Lo besLow upon me? l am nearly dlzzy wlLh conslderaLlon ConsLernaLlon Concern
ls !ohn merely enLerLalnlng oLher women or Peaven forbld ls he Laklng advanLage of Lhem?
Was Lhls Lhe reason for Lhe snlckerlng? And why on earLh do women llke 1lna Coleman Lhlnk
LhaL Lhelr sllence somehow proLecLs me? lndeed lL does noL l have lnvlLed 1lna Lo Lea Lhls very
afLernoon We shall see
1lna Coleman ls a gorgeous speclmen of a woman 1all A bruneLLe llke myself llamlng blue
eyes l flnd myself qulLe Laken by her beauLy She ls Lhe wlfe of an orLhopedlc surgeon famous
ln Lhese parLs and Lherefore a perfecL board member for our new cause She speaks slowly and
calmly and rarely moves her head lefL Lo rlghL as lf her splne were flxed
We saL down Lo Lea ln my moLhers parlor Larl Crey Lea was served wlLh cucumber sandwlches
and huckleberry scones l recall our conversaLlon vlvldly
WhaL a lovely home you have 1lna Coleman sald
l have llved here all my llfe When l leave Lo marry !ohn lL wlll be Lhe flrsL Llme ouL of Lhls
house excepL for our famlly 19
Lravels overseas and slx monLhs l spenL ln flnlshlng school ln 8rookllne MassachuseLLs ouLslde
8osLon
l know 8osLon well she sald malnLalnlng her alrs
1lna we have been ralsed ln Lhe same clLy and had our parenLs shared Lhe same clrcles we
mlghL have been closer frlends
lve known of you of your beauLy of your flne manners your lnLelllgenL speech for many
years as l belleve we were boLh courLed by !ason llne LhaL mosL pecullar lnsolenL man who ln
my oplnlon wlll be lucky Lo ever flnd hlmself a wlfe
Amen When she slpped from her Leacup 1lna Colemans small flnger ralsed ln Lhe alr llke
a flag
l sald someLhlng llke l would have Lo have my head ln Lhe sand noL Lo be aware of Lhe
rumors LhaL clrculaLe concernlng Lhe nlghLllfe of !ohn 8lmbauer ?ou need noL sugarcoaL lL
dear frlend buL l do ask of you Lhe LruLh as you know lL
WhaL youve heard and how much credence and falLh you puL ln Lhese reporLs
?ou flnd Lhem vexlng
lndeed WouldnL any woman especlally one abouL Lo marry?
PonesLly l donL know how you cope l wlll Lell you Lhls you have Lhe respecL of many of Lhe
flnesL women ln Lhls clLy boLh because of your sLrengLh ln llghL of Lhe rumors you now menLlon
and because of your ablllLy Lo wln !ohn 8lmbauers hearL Some women wlll envy you Lllen
and you musL be prepared for Lhelr vengeance 1hey wlll sLop aL noLhlng Lo see you fall l would
aLLrlbuLe a greaL deal of Lhe rumor Lo Lhls and Lhls alone
8uL noL all l sald
!ohn 8lmbauer ls a respecLed buslnessman a man aL Lhe very peak of socleLy lor me or any
oLhers Lo color hlm Lhls way or LhaL wlLhouL any flrsLhand knowledge ls undlgnlfled and
wlLhouL call Pe ls LwenLy years our senlor yours and mlne A man of Lhe world WhaL are we Lo
expecL of hlm? 1haL he spenL Lhese pasL Lwo decades ln a monasLery? Clearly he dld noL l
would noL Lrouble 20
myself over hls pasL Pls fuLure ls wlLh you dear chlld and a brlghL fuLure l should Lhlnk very
brlghL lndeed
8uL youve heard Lhlngs
Words ls all Words can be so desLrucLlve especlally when Lhey are [usL so much flcLlon
8uL we donL know LhaL l donL know LhaL l sald
l have been marrled Lhree years l have glven blrLh Lo Lwo chlldren ln LhaL Llme Cne llved
Cne dld noL My husband ls a brllllanL surgeon a flne man and a lovlng husband Pe does noL
always come home when he says he wlll SomeLlmes lL ls wlLh Lhe smell of llquor on hls cloLhes
noL perfume Lhank Cod buL a womans lmaglnaLlon can palnL many a dlfflculL plcLure can lL
noL? l love my husband Lllen Pe ls noL perfecL nelLher am l
nelLher ls !ohn 8lmbauer lm cerLaln of lL 8uL Lhese are challenglng Llmes
We llve ln a challenglng parL of Lhe counLrysome sLlll refer Lo lL as Lhe fronLler
Can you lmaglne? l LrusL my husbands love even lf aL Llmes l quesLlon hls acLlons
never Lo hls face never aloud A womans hearL ls much sLronger Lhan a mans
1hey are weak creaLures dear Weak and ofLen far more lnsecure Lhan Lhey presenL on Lhe
ouLslde 1rusL your love chlld
1he resL wlll follow
WhaL ls lL youve heard? l asked
Are you llsLenlng?
?es and l appreclaLe your sound advlce more Lhan l can Lell you 8uL l slmply musL know
whaL ls belng sald behlnd my back behlnd Lhe back of my fuLure husband or am l Lo be Lhe
laughlngsLock?
1here are women who can see Lhe pasL and some even Lhe fuLure Pave you ever consulLed
such a medlum my chlld?
A seance?
1hey Lake all forms
l felL flushed wlLh exclLemenL Pave you ever consulLed such a person?
21
Ch l do so regularly noL always wlLh my husbands knowledge you undersLand So you see
Lwo can play aL Lhls game of carefully guarded secreLs l am LrusLlng you noL Lo beLray our
frlendshlp and share any of Lhls wlLh !ohn 8lmbauer
Cf course noL l felL glddy A medlum ld read news reporLs buL l had never meL
anyone who had acLually aLLended such a seance WhaL can l expecL from such an
experlence?
8emarkable rofound 1ranscendenLal ?ou have never experlenced anyLhlng qulLe llke lL
lor all my helghLened anLlclpaLlon of Lhe unlon of a husband and wlfe l musL admlL Lo you now
dear frlend LhaL l flnd a seance qulLe a good deal more sLlmulaLlng She showed her LeeLh
when she laughed She had gold work LhroughouL She appreclaLed her llLLle [oke more Lhan l
dld lmplylng LhaL l would be leL down by Lhe culmlnaLlon of my forLhcomlng marrlage Lhe
anLlclpaLed unlon of whlch only here ln your pages can l admlL my honesL exclLemenL
ls lL Lrue Lhe medlums can see Lo Lhe oLher slde?
l do noL know whaL Lo belleve buL l lmaglne Lhey can yes
1haL ls l have experlenced such a connecLlon myself durlng a seance and l musL confess
l found her LlmldlLy provocaLlve She Leased me wlLh her relucLance Lo dlvulge all begglng my
curloslLy l grlpped my Leacup wlLh boLh hands and caughL myself leanlng lnLo her every breaLh
wanLlng more ?es?
l Lhlnk lL far wlser for you Lo make your own esLlmaLlons dear frlend My experlence Well
you see 1haL ls l belleve each of us elLher Lhe connecLlon wlLh Lhe oLher world ls Lhere
or noL And for me lL was ls and as Lo wheLher lL mlghL be for you
8uL l know lL ls l sald clearly sLarLllng her My prayers are answered you see
?es well prayers 1here ls more Lo Lhe neLherworld dear frlend Lhan one can posslbly
lmaglne And lL would be 22
lmproper and wrong of me Lo lmply lL all has Lo do wlLh angels and prayer
Some of whaL ls revealed ls mosL unpleasanL noL aL all Lhe sLuff of prayers She placed down
her own cup and craned forward When she spoke lL was less a volce Lhan a cold wlnd Less a
woman Lhan a presence 1he curLalns behlnd me ruffled as lf LhaL wlndow were open whlch lL
was noL 1he crysLal of Lhe chandeller Llnkled l swear Lhe LemperaLure of Lhe room dropped a
dozen or more degrees l could see her breaLh as she spoke
Many of Lhe dead are sLlll llvlng WheLher you belleve Lhls or noL LhaL ls noL my concern
She waved her long flngers dlsmlsslvely She looked pale almosL gray Cne does noL aLLempL
Lo make conLacL wlLh Lhe oLher slde wlLhouL a cerLaln
shall we say personal lnvesLmenL A wry smlle She was consumed l shuddered from
Lhe sudden cold longlng for a shawl or a Lhrow over my shoulders
Cne does noL approach Lhls llghLly She leaned back
1he curLaln sLopped movlng as dld Lhe chandeller 1he color reLurned Lo her cheeks and Lhe
LemperaLure of Lhe parlor was resLored l am cerLaln l musL have looked Lhe ldloL my mouLh
sagglng open ln ab[ecL horror lor a mlnuLe l swear Lo you uear ulary 1lna Coleman was noL ln
LhaL room lL was someonesomeLhlngelse enLlrely And l wlll also Lell you Lhls l am a
bellever
noLhlng ln LhaL room was of Lhe world l know nor can l percelve LhaL place from whlch lL came
8uL l am fasclnaLed and lnLrlgued as curlous as a person can be abouL someLhlng so unknown
l wanLed Lo ask her for Lhe name of her medlum rlghL Lhere and Lhen buL someLhlng prevenLed
me from dolng so lear?
CullL? Was lL !ohn looklng over my shoulder and cauLlonlng me LhaL no wlfe of !ohn
8lmbauer wlll be found Lo be engaged ln such slnful acLlvlLles
lor l have no doubL as Lo lLs slnful naLure none whaLsoever
Cod whoever and however Pe may be was nowhere Lo be found 23
ln LhaL room Lhls afLernoon And l would be lylng lf l dld noL admlL Lo a cerLaln amounL of
enLhrallmenL dare l say aLLracLlon Lo whaLever occupled my new frlend for Lhose brlef few
seconds
A power greaLer Lhan any l have known A power LhaL boLh fllled me wlLh a numblng cold and
an unspeakable heaL LhaL peneLraLed Lhe depLhs of my soul 1hls ls a frlend l long Lo vlslL wlLh
once agaln A power l yearn Lo feel agaln 1o gllmpse such a formldable presence ls one Lhlng
1o LasLe lL Lo drlnk of lL yeL anoLher
1o be owned by lLwhaL musL LhaL be llke? And how soon unLll l can flnd ouL?
24
1 2 n o v e m b e r 1 9 0 7 s e a L L l e l am slLLlng ln my moLhers dresslng room and parlor a
room ln whlch l doubL my faLher has ever seL fooL l am here ln fronL of Lhe mlrror where for
years l have waLched her brush her red halr before bed l am perplexed and nearly ln a sLaLe
some momenLs glddy some penslve some nearly ln Lears cloLhed ln my weddlng gown a
garmenL aL once boLh splendld and lush yeL feLchlng (or so l hope) My mald of honor dear
enelope SLralL has gone off Lo lnspecL Lhe rouLe of my descenL Lo Lhe fronL door and Lhe Leam
of Lwo black geldlngs who shall dellver me Lo Lhe church ln royal fashlon
She sald she would arrange Lea Lo be dellvered and glven Lhls small break Lhls momenL alone
lL ls Lo you uear ulary LhaL l now Lurn
l feel a blL llke Lhe young glrllsh chlld who once plcked aL dalsles reclLlng l love hlm l love hlm
noL eLal by peLal my poor hearL labors over my declslon Lo marry !ohn 8lmbauer l
feel boLh passlon for !ohn and reservaLlon cloaked as l am under Lhe uncerLalnLles LhaL rlse Lo
Lhe llps of my frlends 1he cauLlon ln Lhelr eyes LhaL greeLs me whenever !ohns name ls
menLloned l fear LhaL ln a very shorL Llme l am Lo marry a ladles man l am Lo be boLh plLled
and scorned by my peers And l shlver wlLh Lhe LhoughL uellver me from evll and leadeLh me
noL lnLo LempLaLlon Why do l flnd lL so dlfflculL Lo move on from Lhese LhoughLs? Why do l
weep now aL my moLhers mlrror knowlng l shall never llve ln Lhls home agaln?
lollowlng Lhe recepLlon !ohn and l are Lo Lake Lhe resldenLlal SulLe aL Lhe Crand where we
shall sLay buL a slngle nlghL prlor Lo our deparLure on Lhe CceanSLar bound for Lhe aclflc
ALolls l am Lold Lhe naLlve women go barebreasLed Lhere and Lhe men wear lolncloLhs and
Lhe waLer ls as clear as an old mans eyes
Much has been made ln Lurope abouL Lhe changlng face of flne arL and Lhe lnfluence Lhese
lslands have had and 23
!ohn would llke Lo experlence Lhls parL of Lhe world flrsLhand
Cll ls noL used on Lhe lslands and he clalms he mlghL conslder sLarLlng a small buslness Lhere
buL Lhese lslands are sald Lo be rusLlc and qulLe Laken Lo debauchery and even open fornlcaLlon
and l donL know wheLher Lo belleve Lhls or noL lf Lrue whaL klnd of a place ls lL for a woman?
Why would !ohn brlng hls new wlfe Lo such a place? And ls Lhls Lrlp of ours Lo be made as
husband and wlfe or buslnessman and wlfe? l harbor all Lhese quesLlons buL l ask noLhlng of
!ohn for lL rlles hlm so when l challenge hls declslons Pe Lakes lL for crlLlclsm lnsLead of Lhe
curloslLy lL ls
And so more Lears fall here upon your pages for l know noL whaL l have goLLen myself lnLo
WealLh oslLlon A darkly handsome man who has caughL Lhe eye of many an ellglble glrl 8uL
LwenLy years my senlor moody and prlvaLe
AbouL our Lrlp overseas he has only Lold me Lo pack for a long Lrlp A year or more
WarmLh cold repare for lL all
8uL where are we golng my dearesL?
1o Lhe lslands flrsL as weve dlscussed lndla perhaps
8urma or 1lbeL lf we can flnd passage 1he 8rlLlsh have long slnce lnsLalled magnlflcenL rall llnes
ln Lhls parL of Lhe world and how far behlnd can an ollburnlng locomoLlve be? l Lell you Lllen
Cmlcron ls ln a poslLlon Lo be an lnLernaLlonal suppller
We have Lhe [ump on Lhe lar LasL because of our base here ln SeaLLle And afLer LhaL? ersla
ld llke Lo see ersla And Lhen on Lo Afrlca as Lhe seas blow cold and LhaL conLlnenL warms
wlLh summer wlnds LasL Afrlca of course Cood hunLlng And around Lhe Cape and up Lhe
coasL Lo Spaln lrance and 8rlLaln lf war doesnL prevenL us new ?ork hlladelphla And
Lhen by rall agaln Chlcago?
uenver? Whos Lo know? 1he world ls ours my dear llve sLar 1he besL cablns coaches and
Lhe flnesL sulLes aL Lhe grandesL hoLels Lraln cars all Lo ourselves Slx monLhs? A year? Long
enough for Lhe compleLlon of Lhe grand house so LhaL we have LhaL magnlflcenL sLrucLure Lo
whlch Lo reLurn A 26
place of our own A place Lo ralse Lhe chlldren LhaL l hope youll be carrylng before our reLurn
A famlly Lllen !usL Lhlnk of lL
Sald wlLh such passlon and enLhuslasm Who was l Lo cuL ln wlLh Lhe volce of reason? 1o
lnLrude upon my husbands shlnlng momenL never mlnd Lhe lnsecLs LhaL came Lo mlnd Lhe
dlsease carrled by every llvlng creaLure ln such places never mlnd Lhe rumors of barebreasLed
heaLhens (lL seemed he had chosen only prlmlLlve locaLlons) never mlnd LhaL l mlghL have
preferred San lranclsco arls and London A year ln arls venlce or 8omenow Lhere was a
honeymoon!
Long hours spenL langulshlng ln bed under a down comforLer wlLh room servlce a bell pull
away hoL bubble baLhs wlLh arlslan soaps and my husband Lo gulde me Lhrough Lhe pleasures
of belng husband and wlfe 8uL for hlm hunLlng naLlves
LxploraLlon LlephanLs dlamond mlnes and Lhe lron Porse
l kepL my LhoughLs Lo myself Lhe flrsL Llme he menLloned Lhe Lrlp And Lhe second And Lhe
Lhlrd Always Lelllng myself Lhere would be plenLy of Llme Lo seL Lhe course sLralghL 1haL course
now sLarLs Lomorrow ler 47 We sLeam Lo vlcLorla swlLch shlps and board for Lhe 1ahlLlan
lslands l see ln myself Lhls heslLaLlon Lo confronL !ohn a relucLance Lo spoll hls good moods or
dare Lo enLer hls bad ones Pe llves on Lhese glanL swlngs llke an ape back and forLh hlgh Lo
low erhaps Lhe greaL Slgmund lreud abouL whom everyone ls Lalklng (hls publlcaLlon on Lhe
sexual Lheory ls under LranslaLlon lnLo Lngllsh buL ls sald by Cermans who have read lL Lo be
qulLe scandalous and lnLrlgulng) would have some way Lo quanLlfy !ohns moods lor me Lhey
are dlfflculL Lo read and dangerous Lo lnLrude upon AL hls mosL elevaLed momenLs he ls so
exclLlng and sLlmulaLlng Lo be around anlmaLed courLeous and enLerLalnlng aL hls low polnLs
he ls sullled dark and broodlng l fear hlm l anLlclpaLe vlolence aL Llmes Lhough have yeL Lo
seeand l hope l never wlll!Lhls slde of hlm rlse Lo Lhe surface lf !ohn ever does become
vlolenL wlLh me l 27
Lremble aL Lhe LhoughL Pe ls a blg man sLrong and lmposlng l fear he could crush me llke an
lnsecL
l read Lhe lasL few paragraphs and wonder LhaL l could puL such LhoughLs Lo lnk on our weddlng
day of all days My moLher Lells me LhaL she Loo had reservaLlons prlor Lo her weddlng (she
Lold me oLher Lhlngs as well concernlng whaL Lo expecL on my weddlng nlghL buL Lhey are besL
lefL beLween moLher and daughLer) LhaL lL ls noL uncommon for a woman Lo quesLlon her
declslon and LhaL men go Lhrough much Lhe same Lhlng l musL admlL LhaL !ohn bless hls hearL
has never for an lnsLanL volced anyLhlng buL LoLal supporL for and falLh ln our unlon ln facL
one of Lhe greaL lronles here ls LhaL Lhe concern ls all mlne !ohn for hls parL seems absoluLely
glddy wlLh Lhe marrlage Pe has been a salnL LhroughouL lLs plannlng (has flnanced a good deal
of Lhe recepLlon and celebraLlon a much appreclaLed gesLure from my faLher) and has ofLen
been boylsh wlLh glee abouL Lhe approachlng daLe now he walLs for me aL Lhe church l can
plcLure hlm Lhere ln hls flnesL LondonLallored Lalls whlLe gloves clasped behlnd hls back llke a
general awalLlng hls army ln Lhls case my arm noL an armme (l annoy !ohn wlLh my puns buL
whaL llberLles l have here!) SLandlng Lhere aL Lhe alLar an occaslonal grln sLeals lLs way onLo hls
oLherwlse composed expresslon Pe ls a man of greaL vlslon and l know LhaL he sees much
ahead for us and l LrusL hlm Lo make Lhe mosL of lL
?es lL ls Lrue LhaL aL Llmes l fear he regards me more as a brood mare Lhan a maLe LhaL as a
man Lurned forLy wlLh a slzable forLune he ls looklng more for an helr Lhan a companlon 1haL
dare l say lL?women of pleasure are Lhere Lo pleasure and a wlfe ls Lhere Lo bear and ralse
chlldren
Pe wlll wanL a son of course Wlll noL sLop breedlng me unLll l Lhrow one for hlm l see all Lhls
ln hls eyes hear all Lhls beLween Lhe llnes of hls reasonlng As long as Lhe love ls Lhere as well
and lL ls lL ls!!l am noL deLerred by hls lnLenLlons Love Lrue love 28
provldes an abundance of good l go ln [usL a maLLer of mlnuLes Lo profess LhaL same love
before Cod famlly and all our frlends
And oh how l do love my !ohn 8lmbauer l go wlLh courage l go wlLh falLh
CreaL anLlclpaLlon l go wlLhouL doubL or expecLaLlon
LeL love carry us where lL may l am ready l am ready l am ready
29
1 3 n o v e m b e r 1 9 0 7 a b o a r d S S CCLAnS1A8
Ch my Where Lo sLarL? 1he marrlage? 1he recepLlon? uare l ever puL ln Lhese pages a
recounLlng of Lhe marrlage nlghL lLself?
(1he paln? 1he pleasure? 1he fulflllmenL of dreams? 1he fear?
1he feellng of overwhelmlng consumpLlon as lf possessed by hlm?) AnoLher Llme perhaps
alLhough some Lhlngs are beLLer lefL Lo blossom ln memory raLher Lhan wlLher ln reflecLlon
Pere we are aboard Lhe Ccean SLar a luxurlous sLeamer bound for 1ahlLl ln a presldenLlal
sLaLeroom flL for a klng and queen (Lhree rooms and a full baLh wlLh WC) We dlne aL Lhe
capLalns Lable LonlghL (black Lle and evenlng dress) and begln our aclflc crosslng lf Lhe resL of
Lhe Lrlp ls anyLhlng llke our flrsL few hours lL ls Lo be spenL ln Lhe unlon of marlLal bllsswe
have been LogeLher Lwlce already and only on Lhe shlp for four hours! !ohn has gone Lopslde
for a clgar and Lo hope Lo collecL Lelegraphs hes expecLlng concernlng boLh buslness and Lhe
consLrucLlon ouL aL 30
Lhe grand house 1he complexlLy of Lhe pro[ecL has conLlnued Lo consume hlm 1o my
knowledge Lhe only day he was compleLely away from lL was our weddlng day and for all l
know he had one of hls many buslness assoclaLes keeplng hlm currenL even Lhen
Pe has lnformed me LhaL he wanLs Lhe house decoraLed Lo reflecL our Lravels Lo remlnd hlm of
our varlous porLs of call and LhaL lL ls my duLy Lo spend as much money as posslble Lo LhaL end!
?es he was klddlng of course 8uL hls eyes Lwlnkled ln such a way as Lo Lell me he was serlous
as well Lven now l am only beglnnlng Lo gllmpse how wealLhy we are CommenLs llke Lhe one
Lo whlch l refer would have seemed someLhlng flL for one of Lhe Lawdry novels l read noL for a
serlous commenL from my husband 1he house alone ls cosLlng a forLunellLerally
1hls Lrlp anoLher forLune enLlrely And yeL l sense Lhese forLunes are buL mere play Loys Lo
!ohn Could Lhere be a boLLomless well from whlch !ohn draws our funds?
ls such a posslblllLy anyLhlng more Lhan pure fancy? WhaLever Lhe case l am Lhrllled wlLh Lhls
challenge of hls
l expecL Lo collecL many ob[eLs darL decoraLlons and furnlshlngs so LhaL he shall never forgeL
our voyage (WlLhouL !ohns knowledge l pald for and kepL Lhe sheeLs from our marrlage bed
aL Lhe hoLel crlmson sLalns and all l wanLed a souvenlr of LhaL nlghL as badly as he wanLs
souvenlrs of our Lrlp l carry Lhem wlLh me ln one of my slx sLeamer Lrunks wrapped ln Llssue
paper and a red bow
SomeLhlng feels so shameful abouL Lhls acLlon especlally preservlng my vlrgln blood and l
heslLaLe Lo Lhlnk of !ohns anger lf he were Lo ever flnd ouL And so lL ls LhaL we sLarL our
marrlage wlLh secreLs We sLarL our marrlage holdlng on Lo some small parL of ourselves
Lreasured and kepL prlvaLe ls Lhls wrong?
l ask myself Cr does a woman have Lo hold on Lo someLhlng ln Lhe face of such overwhelmlng
surrender? Pe cllmbs on Lop of me and he possesses me ln a way l never
lmaglned could be Lrue
lnslde me Cccupylng me leasure and paln And l wonder wlll l ever geL used Lo lL?)
31
1eak from Lhe lslands lvory from Lhe dark conLlnenL l have begun Lo make llsLs ln my head
1hankfully !ohn has broughL along a compleLe seL of plans Lo Lhe grand house allowlng me Lo
anLlclpaLe placemenL of our forLhcomlng collecLlon
now noL [usL !ohn buL husband and wlfe shall be porlng over Lhose plans day and nlghL now
flnally Lhe pro[ecL can consume us boLh! l have become a parL of LhaL greaL house LhaL owns so
much of my dear husband l feel myself lnslde lLs walls
Pe enLers me Pe resldes ln me l sweaL and l wrlLhe ln hls presence My walls shudder My
mlnd reels
Pe comes and goes from our sLaLeroom havlng noL lnvlLed me Lo [oln hlm Lopslde 8eLurnlng
[usL now smelllng of llquor and clgar he pulls Lhe undercloLhes from my Lrembllng body llfLs
my sklrLs and drlves me agalnsL Lhe far wall Lhe sound of Lhe ocean and Lhe rumble of Lhe shlp
Pe llfLs me from Lhe floor pulllng my legs around hls walsL and l am carrled away Lo Lhe polnL
of frenzy Lhe polnL LhaL any shard of ladyllke behavlor ls losL Lo hls lusL hls peneLraLlon My
llpsLlck smeared my breasL exposed and Lhe ob[ecL of hls aLLenLlon l can no longer malnLaln
my composure l cry ouL lnLo Lhe sLaLeroom Ch !ohn uear !ohn! my flngers raklng Lhe
back of hls dress shlrL uear Cod ln Peaven! l have never l have never And all my
shameful release so unexpecLedly serves Lo engorge hlm Lo send hlm lnLo a fevered plLch a
furlous franLlc pace where Lhe Lhumplng of my bare boLLom on Lhe wall runs up my splne and
fllls my ears llke drummlng Pe plns my arms Lo LhaL same wall hls face a crlmson cry and l wall
behlnd hls release llke some wounded anlmal humlllaLed and reduced Lo a Lrembllng panLlng
sLaLe of spenL exclLemenL
And he loves lL
Pe leaves Lhe sLaLeroom yeL agaln neglecLlng Lo offer me hls company Me ruffled slLLlng
quleLly on a chalr awalLlng hls 32
deparLure so as l can Lend Lo my LolleL Pe hls eyes flashlng hls whlLe LeeLh grlnnlng aL me and
wlLhouL a word he deparLs 1he alr ls no longer LalnLed wlLh llquor and clgar buL wlLh our com
mlngled scenLsdark and somewhaL sour l freshen lL wlLh perfume l open Lhe doors Lo Lhe
balcony l sLand wlLh Lhe wlnd whlpplng my halr flushed wlLh a womans saLlsfacLlon
embarrassed wlLh myself and yeL exhllaraLed l am a wlfe l have made Lhe LranslLlon
33
1 9 n o v e m b e r 1 9 0 7 a b o a r d s s CCLAnS1A8
A brlef noLe ln an efforL Lo keep myself company l have Lorn ouL and dlscarded many of your
pages uear ulary small knoLs of whlLe paper ln Lhe Lrash as l aLLempL Lo come Lo Lerms wlLh
my poslLlon uearesL !ohn ls qulck Lo dlsplay me aL dlnner or lunch or an evenlng recepLlon
offered by one guesL or anoLher buL Lhe remalnder of my Llme on board Lhls shlp resembles
more prlson Lhan honeymoon as he conflnes me Lo our sLaLeroom where l 34
musL admlL l am Laken Lo nausea ln Lhe early wlnLer seas LhaL we encounLer l have begged Lo
go Lopslde Lo relleve myself of Lhls condlLlon for fresh alr and a flrm horlzon can do wonders Lo
sLeady my sLomach buL my husband sLeadfasLly refuses me saylng LhaL he doesnL wanL any
dlsplays on deck Pe polnLs Lo Lhe balcony off Lhe sLaLeroom and suggesLs lLs use for my
purposes Pe ls afrald l mlghL vomlL or show my pale face l suppose (no 8lmbauer ever
shows weakness!) Pe uses me as a charm on hls braceleL whlle clalmlng LhaL Lhe less oLhers
see of me Lhe more mysLery Lhe more power l hold over Lhem aL Lhe capLalns Lable
afLernoon Leas and cockLall parLles When he does vlslL me ln my conflnemenL lL ls Lo Lake of
me hls pleasure WlLh no oLher LrusLworLhy woman ln whom Lo conflde l have no ldea lf Lhls ls
normal or noL Lhough l musL admlL lL ls Lhoroughly exhausLlng lf ln no oLher way ln Lerms of
baLhlng and dresslng l musL spend half my day belng undressed by hlm laLer baLhlng and
flndlng new wardrobes Lo replace Lhe lasL WhaL appeLlLes he has!
l flnd myself aL leasL a blL unsLable wlLh Lhe only aLLenLlons hls and Lhese so clearly physlcal
Cnly Lhls mornlng dld lL occur Lo me from someLhlng he sald LhaL he ls hldlng me from Lhe
oLher men on board Lhe sllllesL boylsh noLlon l can lmaglne
!ohn [ealous? 1he conversaLlon wenL someLhlng llke Lhls !ohn asked me
uld you noLlce Mr !amerson lasL evenlng?
noLlce how dear?
uoes Lhe word noLlce escape your comprehenslon Lllen?
Pls Lone lmmedlaLely sharp and coerclve l feel myself belng drawn lnLo a flghL and worse l
flnd myself wllllng Lo go Why? l wonder 8ecause he locks me ln Lhls sLaLeroom a capLlve
readylng myself for hls nexL flL of womanly saLlsfacLlon?
lL does noL 1aken llLerally l mosL cerLalnly dld noLlce Mr
!amerson Pe saL lmmedlaLely Lo my rlghL as you wlll recall
And Lhe capLaln placed you Lo hls rlghL for Lhe fourLh dlnner ln a row Pe pauses sLruLLlng
now abouL Lhe sLaLeroom 1he 33
chalr of hlghesL honor on a shlp lLs occupaLlon Lo be roLaLed nlghL Lo nlghL Lhrough a varleLy of
guesLs
l am honored
?ou are Lhe mosL beauLlful woman on Lhls shlp Lllen by a facLor of Len
?ou flaLLer me
l cauLlon you he sald A shlp ls a lonely place
WhaL are you saylng?
?ou neednL Lake Lo Lhelr humor qulLe so vlgorously ?our endowmenLs my dear he
lndlcaLes hls own chesL meanlng mlne of course qulLe an eyeful when you laugh llke LhaL
l blush for l can feel lL ln my face noL from embarrassmenL as he musL suspecL buL anger ls
he lmplylng LhaL l am purposefully belng vulgar ln such company? ls Lhls Lhe klnd of Lhlng
husbands and wlves argue over? May l remlnd you LhaL lL ls you dear husband who blds me
Lo remove my shawl aL Lhe dlnner Lable Such as my bosom may be and l mlghL remlnd youas
lf lLs necessaryLhaL Mlss aullng our shlps enLerLalner and a guesL l noLlce who has come
Lo address you mosL lnformally !ohn has a subsLanLlally greaLer bosom Lhan l and ls ln a mood
Lo dlsplay her wares ln whaL l conslder qulLe frankly a mosL lnapproprlaLe and lasclvlous way
Moreover my gowns are crafLed by Lhe flnesL San lranclsco seamsLresses and fashloned Lo
deslgns creaLed by aul olreL hlmself and LhaL all of Lhls was aL your requesL 1hese gowns
were ordered because you heard of Lhem or saw Lhem for all l know on LhaL buslness Lrlp lasL
AugusL l Lake greaL umbrage aL any lmpllcaLlon from you LhaL l have behaved ln any way
unbecomlng l was born bred and ralsed a lady dear slr and you wlll klndly remember LhaL facL
before levellng
such accusaLlons aL me
l meanL only
?ou meanL Lo say LhaL when l laugh my bosom ls on dlsplay and belleve me Lhls facL does noL
escape me l have nearly come 36
ouL of my gown l am Lerrlbly aware of LhaL facL So perhaps your lndlgnaLlon mlghL glve way ln
favor of allowlng a woman Lo wear her shawl when she sees flL raLher Lhan forclng her lnLo
compromlslng momenLs of greaL embarrassmenL now leave me alone!
Co do whaLever lL ls you do on Lhls dreadful shlp 8uL lf you reLurn wlLh Mlss aullngs perfume
on you !ohn as you dld Lwo nlghLs agooh yes! you LhoughL l mlssed LhaL? how could l? lLs a
dreadful scenL!Lhen Lhere wlll be hell Lo pay!
l had losL all composure and found myself shouLlng aL Lhe Lop of my lungs
AL my husband 1o my regreL 8uL oh uear ulary Lhe sLory does noL sLop Lhere
lor l swear lL ls Lrue LhaL upon menLlon of Lhe word hell dld Lhe gas llghLs ln LhaL sLaLeroom
dlm and Lhe bedroom door blow open 8ehlnd Lhls door came a wlnd LhaL llfLed my nlghLgown
from Lhe floor and blew my halr sLralghL back off my shouldersand yeL !ohn moved noL a halr
Pls handkerchlef dld noL wave 1he curLalns dld noL ruffle As my hearLbeaL dld subslde so Loo
dld Lhls wlnd lessen !ohn and l sLood perfecLly sLlll a sllence beLween us 1he alr crlsp and
smelllng as lL does afLer an elecLrlc sLorm boLh blLLer and sweeL all aL once
My husband sald noL a word a sLunned apoplecLlc expresslon overLaklng hlm Pls eyes
narrowed borlng lnLo me Pe Lurned and lefL me Lhen parLly because Lhere was noLhlng lefL Lo
say parLly ouL of fear lf l read hlm rlghL l have never seen !ohn 8lmbauer seemlng anyLhlng
less Lhan absoluLely cerLaln SLolc even
unLll now LhaL ls 1hls evenlng Lhe Lables Lurned
l aLLended dlnner wlLhouL a shawl [usL Lo splLe hlm And l laughed as never before
37
for Lhe sake of expedlency and due Lo any dlarys repeLlLlous naLure Lhe edlLor chose Lo omlL
varlous dlary enLrles ellen rlmbauers full dlary ls archlved ln Lhe wlnslow llbrary of leLLers and
memolrs seaLLle washlngLon a copy of whlch resldes along wlLh oLher maLerlals ln Lhe [oyce
reardon collecLlon observed paranormal acLlvlLles
19821999
whlch
resldes
ln
Lhe
wlrmser
llbrary beaumonL unlverslLy seaLLle washlngLon
[oyce reardon
38
1 3 d e c e m b e r 1 9 0 7 L h e s o u L h p a c l f l c l s l a n d s l donL know why Lhey boLher
glvlng Lhese lslands any name buL aradlse CerLalnly one ls no dlfferenL Lhan Lhe oLher a crusL
of sand rlslng from Lhe deep palms cllnglng by shallow rooLs wlnd and brlghL sky and Lhe
bluesL clearesL waLer on Lhe face of Lhe earLh 1he clnnamonsklnned women as barebreasLed
as Lhe naLlonal Ceographlc SocleLy would have us belleve welcomlng whlLe sLrangers wlLh
wlde smlles and l fear open arms 1he sun beaLs hoL as we enLer Lhe parL of Lhelr seasons LhaL
colncldes wlLh sprlng and summer desplLe lL belng fall and early wlnLer aL home
Cur world ls qulLe llLerally Lurned upslde down
l lock your pages closed each nlghL uear ulary and Lhen ln Lurn lock you away ln my sLeamer
where l keep my undercloLhes and my LolleL confldenL my husband would never vlolaLe LhaL
sancLlLy l scarcely know whaL would become of me lf he ever dld
And so lL ls wlLh beaLlng hearL and a cerLaln amounL of LlmldlLy LhaL l once agaln Lurn Lo you as
my confessor
lL began more Lhan a week ago now durlng a nlghLLlme celebraLlon as Lhe Ccean SLar crossed
Lhe equaLor 1here was muslc much drlnk a proclamaLlon by Lhe capLaln danclng and a gay
aLmosphere on board !ohn and l for all our confllcLs rose from our beds ln Lhe mornlng as lf
we had noL a care ln Lhe world
We had Laken breakfasL LogeLher on Lhe balcony a peaceful enchanLlng hour l do belleve LhaL
!ohn has adopLed a dlfferenL aLLlLude Loward me and LhaL Lhls ls reflecLed boLh ln our breakfasL
and ln Lhe facL LhaL we followed breakfasL wlLh a sLroll on Lhe deck an exLremely soclal acLlvlLy
where cerLalnly my absence has been noLlced We lunched LogeLher ln a smaller dlnlng room
ld noL seen before buL one where all Lhe walLers knew !ohn qulLe well addresslng hlm as
Mr
8lmbauer lnsLead of Lhe slr and
madam used on guesLs less well known AfLer hlgh Lea wlLh several new frlends we reLlred
Lo our sLaLeroom and resLed
39
!ohns new Lerm for our husband and wlfe acLlvlLles whlch falls desperaLely shorL of Lhe LruLh
of LhaL Llme spenL LogeLher lL ls anyLhlng buL resLful!and prepared for a laLe dlnner aL Lhe
capLalns Lable and Lhe equaLor celebraLlon scheduled Lo follow

lL was someLlme durlng LhaL fabulous celebraLlon Lhe warm Lroplcal nlghL wlnds playlng over
Lhe Ccean SLars rall Lhe champagne playlng wlLh my head Lhe dellclous chocolaLe mousse sLlll
llngerlng ln my LasLe buds LhaL Lhe followlng evenLs occurred
!ohn l belleve was danclng wlLh a maLronly woman named uanforLh uanversl have a devll
of a Llme wlLh all Lhe names!leavlng me Lo Lhe company of Mr uan l canL posslbly
remember! who raLher qulckly excused hlmself Lo Lhe LolleL one brandy over hls llmlL lf l
mlghL say
1ruffles Madame? A creamy warm volce over my shoulder as welcome as LhaL Lroplcal
wlnd A womans volce ueep and sooLhlng
l Lurned perhaps Loo qulckly for our proxlmlLy and found myself eyeLoeye wlLh a negro of
nuL brown skln and enormous ollveshaped eyes Per face was a perfecL oval her llps Lhlck and
sensuous l felL myself sLlr ln a way no woman should sLlr for anoLher woman l am cerLaln l
made a fool of myself Lhe way my volce caughL wlLh Lhe blush l musL have revealed
A walLress she was dressed ln a black cosLume approprlaLe Lo her servlce wlLh a whlLe apron
and a flrmly pressed whlLe collar buLLoned nearly Lo choklng
She had a Llny wasp walsL full hlps and sLrong legs wldely seL 1he shoes Lhey had puL her ln
were easlly a slze Loo large She had feeL more my slze WhaL an ldloL l was [usL sLarlng lnLo her
eyes as l dld
Madame? she lnqulred a second Llme
Well yes l answered havlng no deslre Lo consume any more food 8uL l plcked one off Lhe
sllver Lray noneLheless and bld her Lo remaln ln my company a momenL longer
WhaL l felL ls unspeakable buL l push my founLaln pen Lo wrlLe 40
lL here ln Lhese pages l wanLed Lo klss her 1o Louch LhaL sofL skln Mlnd you l dld noL wanL Lo
be klssed backPeaven forbld!nor Louched ln any way shape or manner 8uL l dld wanL Lo
undress her and see her Codglven body ln all lLs glory Lo run my hands over her skln and feel lL
respond Lo my womans Louch
So horrlfled was l by Lhls response LhaL l lefL Lhe celebraLlon early felgnlng a headache and l
reLurned Lo prayer ln our sLaLeroom kneellng aL Lhe slde of LhaL bed where my husband and l
perform acLs of lncreaslng lndecency praylng for salvaLlon from wherever lL ls my mlnd seems
desLlned Lo Lake me ls Lhls whaL marrlage brlngs on ln women a helghLened curloslLy of Lhe
forms LhaL pleasure Lakes? lf Lhere were only someone Lo whom l could bare my soul! 1he
shlps prlesL comes Lo mlnd buL he ls a rheumyeyed man wlLh a procllvlLy for drlnk My one
greaL fear now ls LhaL ln all my lsolaLlon of Lhe forLhcomlng year l wlll noL flnd answers noL flnd
release for such slnful LhoughL lor Lhe beLLer parL of Lhree weeks l have been shuLLered ln our
sLaLeroom l am currenLly ensconced ln a flveroom sulLe ln Lhe only decenL hoLel for a
Lhousand mlles LaughLer rolls up from Lhe hoLel bar spllllng ouL lnLo Lhe sLreeL and Lhen rlslng
llke hoL alr Lo Lhe rooms hlgh celllngs
uare l confess Lhls? Larller Lhls mornlng a chambermald enLered Lo servlce our rooms Lo
change Lhe sheeLs LhaL my husband and l have solled wlLh our acLlvlLles (l dare noL ask where
!ohn has learned all LhaL he ls Leachlng mehls Lerm) She couldnL have been over flfLeen
lf shes a day eLlLe and falrsklnned wlLh black eyes and a sLrong back Ch yes l sLudled
every lnch of her as she worked She saw me waLchlng and seemed Lo Lake greaL pleasure ln lL
Clggllng
rovocaLlve She knows noL whaL she does Lo me! l had a klnk ln my neck LhaL l Lrled Lo work
ouLLhere are no plllows here Lo speak of only flrm square maLs wlLh coLLon sllpcovers l sleep
flLfully lf aL allln parL because !ohns appeLlLes are lnsaLlable (he drlnks heavlly lnLo Lhe nlghL
41
and Lhen arrlves Lo our rooms ln a deslrous sLaLe) Cur mald Look noLe of my efforLs and
lndlcaLed LhaL l should Lurn around She Louched my neck wlLh her small warm hands and l
[umped a source of greaL amusemenL on her parL 1hen for Lhe beLLer parL of a quarLer of an
hour or more she kneaded my LlghL knoLLed muscle and sculpLed lL resLorlng lL Lo a sLaLe of
compleLe relaxaLlon l am Lold Lhls form of massage ls Aslan !apanese or Chlnese ln orlgln and
spllled down Lhe archlpelago over Lhe Lhousands of years of commerce LhaL has come and gone
ln Lhls remoLe area of Lhe world l was qulLe Laken by Lhe maglc of her hands and l Llpped her
generously whlch she clearly en[oyed
8uL llsLen uear ulary Lheres more! 1hls young beauLy Lhen lndlcaLed LhaL l should lle down on
Lhe bed ln her unfamlllar Longue and slgn language she flrsL locked Lhe door and Lhen
moLloned for me Lo dlsrobe (l am cerLaln Lhls was Lhe meanlng
lL needed no LranslaLlon) She lndlcaLed wlLh her hands LhaL she would conLlnue her work Lhe
Aslan massage wlLh whlch she had sooLhed me She appreclaLed my generoslLy no doubL and
saw clear Lo Lhe ldea LhaL she mlghL expand on LhaL graLulLy by lncreaslng Lhe canvas lf l may
adopL an arL analogy l decllned of course Lhanklng her profusely whlch lm sure she
undersLood and geLLlng ouL of lL as besL l could l suppose she meanL for me Lo remove my
dress and only my dress so LhaL she could conLlnue her work Lhrough my undergarmenLs buL
glven Lhe level of undress Lhese naLlves underLake my LhoughLs wenL elsewhere l had vlslons
of dlsroblng becomlng naked ln fronL of Lhls young glrl
Lven now many hours pasL l flnd myself exclLed aL Lhe prospecL uare l confess Lhls? 1o be
Louched by anoLher woman someone of my own sex who would know Lhe aches and palns of
a woman where Lo Louch where Lo relleve Lhe back paln LhaL comes of Lhe corseLs Lhe fooL
and leg paln LhaL comes from Lhe shoes
42
noLhlng more Lhan Lhls you undersLand! And yeL even Lhls seems a slnful acL Cne woman
wlLh anoLher one ln full undress
1he brlghLeyed young glrl had such a problem accepLlng no from me elLher belng drlven by
Lhe deslre for anoLher Llp or belng culLurally unfamlllar wlLh such a refusal 1hls lsland and lLs
slmple people are so very forelgn Lo me
l am Lroubled by my deslres 1here l wroLe lL down erhaps LhaL wlll help Lo purge me of
Lhem erhaps lf !ohn lncluded me more allowed me ouL more ofLen my mlnd would have
elsewhere Lo go oLher Lhan Lo Lhe physlcal pleasures LhaL have enLered my llfe for Lhe flrsL Llme
ln Lhese pasL few weeks 1he dark secreLs of saLlsfylng a man LhaL !ohn conLlnues Lo reveal Lo
me 8uL my days are [usL Lhls food and carnal pleasure 1he honeymoon ls for me more a
horrormoon l have prayedLo boLh sldesfor release from Lhls depravlLy of LhoughL for
lncreased lndependence from my husband for Lhe freedom Lo walk Lhe sands and vlslL Lhe
markeLs l have prayed for hls drlnklng Lo Lemper for hls earller reLurn Lo our sulLe as some
nlghLs he does noL reLurn unLll Lhree or four ln Lhe mornlng sweaLlng smelllng of llquor and
clgarsanddare l say lL for l am noL absoluLely cerLaln?oLher women
Pe snores as l cry Pe snores as l long for home and mosL of all my dear moLher Per guldance
Per advlce Ch Lhe ache ln my hearL Lhls loss causes me
1he Lerror wlLh whlch l face anoLher day here for l know lL ls buL one of many LhaL wlll comblne
Lo make up Lhls year of Lravel
1here ls Lalk of a Luropean war !ohn belleves Lhe need for peLroleum wlll lncrease
dramaLlcally and wlLh lL our forLunes
8uL whaL good ls forLune wlLhouL love? And lf !ohn loves me whaL sLrange ways he chooses Lo
dlsplay lL ls love aL Lhe hearL of our sweaLy embrace? l once felL LhlslL seems llke monLhs ago
now 8uL slnce our arrlval here aL Lhe lslands lL
ls besLlallLy LhaL my husband brlngs Lo bed noL love Pe Lakes me he does noL 43
make love Lo me lL ls carnal and awful and l glve myself Lo hlm only relucLanLly and wlLh greaL
dlspleasure for fear of sufferlng badly should l do oLherwlse
l know noL whaL lve goLLen myself lnLo
And all l wanL ls ouL
44
1 9 a p r l l 1 9 0 8 k e n y a a f r l c a Afrlca 1he dark conLlnenL A mans place rlmlLlve and
lnLrlgulng 1he blrLhplace of manklnd Lhey say Lden Lhey say
Skln so black lLs blue Wlld anlmals ln numbers LhaL sLagger Lhe lmaglnaLlon Ch Lo have a
moLlon plcLure camera record Lhls!
!ohn and l and Lhree oLher couples Lwo from 8rlLaln one from Cleveland (lronlcally he and
!ohn share some buslness acqualnLances Lhere) are escorLed lnLo Lhe bush by nearly LhlrLy
naLlves an AusLrallan gulde named Charles Pammer and a negro gunbearer named Plpshoo
aL leasL LhaLs how we all pronounce lL
AbouL Len of Lhe LhlrLy are women Lwo of whom are asslgned Lo me one named Sukeena Lhe
oLher Marlshpa 1hey Lend Lo me llke courLappolnLed malds aL my slde Lhe momenL l need
Lhem
8rlghLeyed and fllled wlLh laughLer Lhey have greaLly elevaLed my splrlLs whlch had been
lagglng Lhese pasL several weeks ChrlsLmas away from home was mosL Lrylng and Lhough !ohn
endeavored Lo explaln Lo me LhaL l had a new home now lL only made maLLers worse
43
1haL home ls of course Lhe grand house and whaL pleces of lnformaLlon weve obLalned whlle
away are encouraglng lndeed
1he walls are up Lhe roof golng on lL ls sald Lo have LhlrLy wlndows on Lhe fronL of Lhe house
alone 1he glass ls belng ordered for Lhem now l have conLlnued Lo collecL sLarLlng ln Lhe
aclflc lslands wlLh lovely wood carvlngs some coral and one enormous flsh LhaL !ohn had
Laxldermled lLs specles escapes me Lhough lndlrecLly hes Lold me a dozen Llmes as he loves
Lelllng Lhls flshlng sLory aL nearly every dlnner Lable we en[oy l belleve !ohn caughL some Lwo
hundred flsh durlng Lhe course of our sLay and wlLh only Lhls one Lo remember lL by he
sLreLches Lhe sLory a llLLle longer (Lhe flsh Loo!) each Llme he Lells lL
8uL !ohn sLarLed me Lhlnklng abouL Lhe house and now l flnd l am hard pressed Lo do
oLherwlse lannlng for lLs decoraLlon and lLs compleLlon consumes me l boughL a hundred
yards of sllk for wall coverlng whlle ln Slam belge and exqulslLely woven
AnoLher hundred yards of a slmllar llnen also for wall coverlng
(We sklpped lndla because of Lhe anLlcolonlal uprlslngs Lhere) !ohn keeps encouraglng me Lo
buy buy buy emphaslzlng Lhe enormlLy of our fuLure home
1o my greaL rellef Lhe home lLself has drawn us close LogeLher agaln We Lalk of lL consLanLly
consulLlng Lhe plans he lnvlLlng my oplnlon l can acLually see lL growlng as we dlscuss lL as
sLrange as LhaL may sound 1hese
vlslons of mlne seem a preLernaLural connecLlon Lo Lhe house lLself efforLlessly reachlng
across Lhe Lhousands of mlles of oceana radlo of Lhe mlnd
(8adlo has noL yeL reached SeaLLle buL lL was all Lhe Lalk before we lefL) l have kepL Lhe
exlsLence of Lhese vlslons Lo myself!ohn has no mlnd for any of lLwhlle all Lhe Llme
acLually seelng Lhe house grow behlnd Lhe work of Lhe hundreds of men now onslLe
A mosL remarkable Lhlng happened Lwo days ago worLh sharlng here ln sLudylng Lhe plans
wlLh !ohn he was polnLlng ouL Lhe 8reakfasL 8oom a welllnLenLloned space lefL of Lhe
8anqueL 46
Pall and below Lhe klLchen on our plans and one obvlously LhoughL up by a man lm annoyed
wlLh lLs placemenL as lLs only wlndows face wesL lnLo Lhe garden and any woman knows LhaL lL
ls Lhe mornlngs easL llghL LhaL so pleases Lhe mornlng soul !ohn argues LhaL l may Lake my
breakfasL wherever lL pleases me lncludlng Lhe arlor whlch does ln facL face easL and souLh
buL wlLh an unlnsplred vlew of Lhe drlveway Pe remlnds me LhaL Lhe home wlll be sLaffed wlLh
over LhlrLy and LhaL lf l wlsh Lo have breakfasL ln bed every day of my llfe so be lL
8uL he mlsses Lhe polnL of course of Lhe aesLheLlcs of Lhe placemenL of Lhe 8reakfasL 8oom
and my bellef LhaL lL shall go vlrLually unused because of lL no maLLer WhaL was asLonlshlng
was Lhls ln Lhe course of our heaLed dlscusslon !ohn polnLed Lo a second of Lhe
rooms wlndows ln Lhe plans l Lold hlm no LhaL Lhe wlndow had been losL as Lhe archlLecL had
only recenLly dlscovered a need Lo relocaLe Lhe panLry from norLh Lo souLh Lo provlde beLLer
access Lo cold sLorage and Lhe chlna sLorage ln Lhe basemenL below access Lo whlch was Lo Lhe
norLh of Lhe klLchen Ped heard noLhlng of Lhls he remlnded me even Laklng Lhe Llme Lo sorL
Lhrough hls many Lelegraphs 8uL you see l knew qulLe clearly LhaL Lhls change had been
made l had seen Lhe wall belng erecLed already Lhe brlcks lald ln place Lhe Lrowels Losslng
Lhe morLar l knew and no one had ever Lold me When !ohn recelved a Lelegraph laLe LhaL
evenlng he came Lo our rooms somewhaL ashen
Pe passed me Lhe Lelegraph and sald Lxplaln Lhls Lllen
A premonlLlon ls all my love
A premonlLlon?
LxacLly so
Concernlng Lhe house he sald
1hls parLlcular Llme yes
?ouve had oLhers Lhen?
1he world ls openlng up Lo me dear husband [usL as you 47
sald lL would 1hls voyage of ours has already proved mosL
lllumlnaLlng Cne mlghL even say enllghLenlng
And whaL else do you see lf l may ask
?ou dare noL ask l would suggesL
Me? ls lL ever me? Pe looked nervous vlslbly upseL
And lf lL was?
l donL belleve ln such rubblsh
1hen youve noLhlng Lo worry abouL dear soul
uo noL call me LhaL
l see you wlLh women l answered ?oung women barely buddlng l see you performlng
unspeakable acLs wlLh Lhese dark women wlLh whom weve surrounded ourselves
slnce we lefL home l was crylng now buL Lrylng so hard noL Lo lm sure l musL have looked
Lhe fool
Pe blanched 8ldlculous! A hoarse dry whlsper LhaL l fear even he dld noL belleve vold of
Lhe usual flare of Lemper he lefL our rooms ln quleLude
1o my surprlse he reLurned laLer sober and unusually conslderaLe and pollLe 1haL nlghL he
was husband Lo me as genLle as our weddlng nlghL Pe luxurlaLed me ln my own pleasures as he
has never done before and laLer l heard hlm crylng ln hls sleep
lLs Lhe helr uear ulary Lhe alllmporLanL helr l am now Lhe vehlcle Lhrough whlch Lo dellver
hlm hls llneage and any oLher wlll be basLard (l fear we have lefL a sLrlng behlnd us on Lhls Lrlp
already!) Pe needs me ln Lhls endeavor my wllllngness Lo Lake Lo bed wlLh hlm or Lhls dream
of passlng along hls forLune wlll never Lake llghL lL ls Lhls need LhaL compels hlm Lo LreaL me
wlLh respecL and dlgnlLy no maLLer whaL Lhe LruLh of our unlon be l do belleve l have sLruck
Lhe fear of Cod ln hlm 8uL LruLh be known lL ls Lhe uevll for who else lnvoked ln me such a lle
as l Lold hlm LhaL nlghL havlng never had such vlslons of hlm wlLh oLhers
Susplclons Lo be sure 8uL broughL forward as lmages l do belleve LhaL he brlefly saw Lhem as
well rellvlng hls unfalLhful48
ness and LhaL perhaps Lhese memorles so vlvld and so clear afforded hlm Lhe opporLunlLy Lo
belleve LhaL l Loo had wlLnessed hls depraved acLs Am l Lo belleve he slmply lnvenLs Lhese
Lhlngs he puLs me Lhrough when ln bed wlLh hlm?
Pe learned Lhem of course and we boLh know lL and we also know LhaL l am noL LhaL Leacher
And so Lhe llLLle games we play conLlnue AcLlng ouL husband and wlfe
8evlewlng our grand house plans as lf nonesLheworry Me beglnnlng Lo communlcaLe wlLh
Sukeena and en[oylng her company so very much Pe Laklng off on hls safarls for days aL a Llme
and reLurnlng wlLh gullL on hls face and a fallen lmpala under hls arm Me wlLh my vlslons Pe
wlLh hls dreams
And my womanhood Lhe secreL LhaL holds Lhe balance for boLh of us When my monLhly lssue
does come he shrlnks lnLo Lhe boLLle and depresslon for days only Lo reLurn Lo Lry agaln
someLlmes Lenderly someLlmes desperaLely l am Lhe key Lo hls fuLure happlness and he ln
Lurn ls Lhe key Lo mlne l am beglnnlng Lo learn Lhe ways of marrlage
49
1 3 m a y 1 9 0 8 k e n y a a f r l c a l have noL made enLrles ln Lhls personal chronlcle for
nearly a monLhLhree weeks and flve days Lo be exacL l do so now only weakly unable Lo
hold Lhls pen for long l am afrald l have been unconsclous for some of Lhls Llme and dellrlous
for Lhe resL sLrlcken wlLh whaL our recenLly deparLed fellow Lravelers belleved was malarla l
have losL no fewer Lhan flfLeen poundsmy rlb cage proLrudes fronL and back llke some of Lhe
naLlve women ln our employ l have suffered from fever for days aL a Llme a compleLe loss of
appeLlLe sweaLs and Lremors Cnly Lhrough Lhe Lender care of Sukeena and her blLLer Leas and
remedles she has fed me and my own endless prayers for recovery have l survlved lor Lhese
four weeks l have never lefL Lhe conflnes of my LenL quaranLlned from all buL Lhe naLlves Lven
!ohn has avolded conLacL sLandlng ouLslde aL Lhe far end of my LenL and Lalklng Lo me Lhrough
a small Lrlangle of llghL caused by a Lurnedup LenL flap
lL ls Lhls lsolaLlon LhaL has worn on me drlven me aL Llmes Lo Lhe very edge of my sanlLy Cnly
my rough conversaLlons wlLh Sukeena an awkward comblnaLlon of words and gesLures have
malnLalned my llnk Lo Lhls world ln my dellrlum l have Lraveled Lo unLhlnkable places aL Llmes
bellevlng lL so real only Lo have Sukeena pull me back l do belleve LhaL no less Lhan Lhree Llmes
l was wlLhln a breaLh or Lwo of deaLh hoverlng ln a neLherworld where aL once l felL boLh
refreshed and fearful 1hls dellcaLe conLacL wlLh whaL l percelve of as Lhe oLher slde has lefL me
far less apprehenslve of my own demlse and yeL wlLh mlxed oplnlon as Lo wheLher l was ln
Peaven or Pell or urgaLory WhaL l know and know for cerLaln ls LhaL Cod saved my llfe buL
LhaL Lhe uevll may have bargalned for my soul 1he exacL conversaLlons escape me now (Lhough
Lhey were exLremely clear aL Lhe Llme) buL l know for cerLaln l made promlses LhaL perhaps l
should noL have made
Sukeena who has served me as boLh nursemald and wlLch doc30
Lor as slsLer and frlend has known Lhe LruLh all along LhaL my fevers and lnflrmlLy resulLed
nelLher from Lhe waLer nor from Lhe [ungle lnsecLs LhaL do lnfesL Lhls godless place lnsLead my
lllness was conLracLed by conLacL wlLh my husband for l am plagued by an unmenLlonable
dlsease carrled by men and suffered by women 1he remedy for my affllcLlon ls mosL
unpleasanL Lhough as l undersLand lL ls far less worse Lhan lL ls or wlll be for !ohn who has no
doubL undergone and wlll conLlnue Lo undergo a serles of ln[ecLlons Lo an area of Lhe male
body LhaL ls also unmenLlonable
1hls ln Lurn explalns !ohns sweaLs of nearly slx weeks ago a llngerlng lllness LhaL puL hlm of
foul mood unable Lo walk and accounLed for hls sendlng for cerLaln medlcaLlons of whlch l
was unaware unLll Sukeena recenLly lnformed me
Pls recovery however appears Lo have gone much more qulckly Lhan my own for he has
reLurned Lo hunL and safarl Lhese lasL Lhree weeks whlle l lay here ln my LenL
(l am Lold agaln by Sukeena LhaL Lhe reverse ls usually LrueLhaL women Lend Lo suffer far
less Lhan men from Lhls horrlble affllcLlon WhaL curse on me reversed Lhese odds?) Pusband
and wlfe have noL spoken of Lhls nor wlll we ever
Cf Lhls l am cerLaln Much have l crled and agonlzed over my husbands unfalLhfulness hls
fallure Lo llve up Lo Lhe muLual consenL of our marrlage vows and Lhe lack of respecL he has
shown me Much have l now suffered for hls pleasures and l ache for a way Lo reLurn such
shame and paln Lo hlm lL ls Lhe helr of course 1o deny hlm Lhe rlghL Lo conLlnue hls llne buL l
cannoL Lhrow myself lnLo Lhls cause wlLh much hearL for l Loo would welcome Lhe dlsLracLlon
of chlldren And yeL Lhe LhoughL of [olnlng hlm physlcally l flnd so repugnanL as Lo llLerally make
me slck Lo my sLomach l vomlL lf any such lmage enLers my mlnd l expel lL and swear lL wlll
never come Lo frulLlon l have now llved Lhe error of forglveness (for cerLalnly lve known all
along whaL he was up Lo!) l wlll never fool myself agaln Pe wlll be made Lo beg 31
me Pe wlll be made Lo cry 1o pay boLh flnanclally and emoLlonally for Lhe Lrlals he has puL
me Lhrough lf he wlshes Lo have hls helr 1hls lnferno LhaL has llved ln my lolns and ln my head
Lhese many weeks has Laken rooL ln my condemnaLlon of my husband and my deLermlnaLlon
for revenge lf lLs money LhaL he loves Lhen l shall bleed hlm 1hls grand house of hls wlll never
be compleLe
ConsLrucLlon wlll never sLop no expense wlll be spared Pe wlll waLch as Lhe frlvollLy of my
mood dlrecLs Lhe depleLlon of hls funds ln whaLever unnecessary and Lrlvlal manner l can and
do lmaglne And he wlll be loaLh Lo sLop lL Lo even Lryfor my legs shall close upon hls llneage
forever llke a sprlnged Lrap
1he call for revenge drlves me Lo Lake Lhe soup Sukeena offers
1o allow my sweaLsoaked bedsheeLs and nlghLgown Lo be removed and replaced raLher Lhan
succumb Lo Lhe fevers 1o LoleraLe Lhe LreaLmenLs Sukeena puLs me Lhrough aL once boLh
palnful and humlllaLlng
l wlll prevall Lo leave Lhls LenL Lo face my husband across Lhe dlnner Lables erecLed beneaLh
whaL appears Lo be a banyan Lree l wlll look hlm ln Lhe eye and show hlm my resolve Lo rlghL
hls wrong And he wlll know Pe wlll wlLher under Lhe power l have galned boLh Lhrough my
prayers (Lo boLh sldes) and from my dear frlend Sukeena She has Lhe power Lo heal Lhe power
Lo connecL Lo Lhe oLher slde
Per dolls of black hardwood Per muslcal chanLs and lnfuslons ln whaL my husband may only
slowly come Lo see my lllness has led Lo sLrengLh of mlnd my sufferlng Lo sLrengLh of hearL Pe
wlll come Lo regreL hls lnfldellLy ulLlmaLely and forever
And l shall Lrlumph Sukeena aL my slde She ls comlng home wlLh us 1hls ls Lhe flrsL of many
concesslons my husband shall learn Lo make
32
1 3 [ u n e 1 9 0 8 c a l r o e g y p L l cannoL lmaglne any place hoLLer ln all Lhe world Lhan
Calro ln !une We have salled down Lhe nlle for days (how sLrange a world Lhls ls LhaL norLh ls
downsLream?) !ohn ls foul of mood and no wonder he has noL won my affecLlons slnce laLe
Aprll when he besLowed upon me LhaL horrlble curse And now ln such close company as Lhls
small flaLboLLomed boaL he cannoL flnd any buddlng young women Lo pluck excepL Lhose of
Lhe Luropean famllles LhaL people Lhls vesselglrls who can speak read and wrlLeglrls who
would reporL hlm ln an lnsLanL lf he llfLed Lhelr sklrLs Pe broods and drlnks and brags wlLh Lhe
oLher passengers wlsely leavlng Sukeena and me Lo ourselves excepL aL dlnner aL a Ledlous
capLalns Lable where llquor ls Lhe offlclal language and all buL l speak fluenLly l hear hlm Lell
hls hunLlng sLorles and marvel aL hls ablllLy Lo wln frlends and l waLch Lhe women swoon and l
wonder lf
LhaL ls how l once looked ln hls company as well l wanL Lo haLe hlm buL LhaL vexaLlon ls slowly
wearlng off CalculaLed or noL he has Laken some Llme Lo charm me has helped me plck ouL
several splendld rugs from ersla (boughL ln Luxor) and a greaL deal of woven wlckerbaskeLs
and hampers mosLly some sevenLyflve ln all 1he prlze so far ls Lhe handcarved alabasLer We
are Lo have dlnner bread and salad plaLes soup bowls of Lwo slzes all for a Lable of forLy lL ls
Lo be shlpped Lo SeaLLle wlLhln Lhe year each plece carefully packed !ohn sald LhaL lf half Lhe
cargo arrlved undamaged we should conslder lL a vlcLory aL whlch polnL l lncreased Lhe
alabasLer order Lo a servlng for elghLy and waLched !ohn wlnce aL Lhe lncrease ln prlce
alLhough Lhese dlrLpoor LgypLlan farmers are pracLlcally glvlng away such wares l could have
lncreased lL Lo elghL hundred and noL Laken a week of my husbands lncome lndeed lf l am Lo
have any revenge on my husband l see clearly now LhaL lL absoluLely musL come ln Lhe 33
consLrucLlon of Lhe grand house 1haL ls Lhe only weapon l possess
l have come Lo deLesL Lhe Luropeans for Lhelr LreaLmenL of my dear Sukeena
Cf Lhose who acknowledge her presence (preclous few lm sorry Lo say) few LreaL her wlLh
any respecL above a slave
A lrench couple was nlce Lo herLhe woman offered her some cloLhes LhaL would flL (mlne are
far Loo small for her) and she accepLed A Canadlan woman was qulLe LhoughLful and respecLful
and always greeLed Sukeena by name 1he resL were bruLes l was glad Lo be free of Lhe Sun 8a
even lf lL meanL Lhe sLreeLs of Calro
lew clLles ln Lhe world are as densely populaLed as Lhls one
8rown bodles by Lhe mllllons all covered ln long coLLon robes of sofL browns and a few subLle
greens 1hey look llke nlghLgownsas lf everyone has [usL woken up 1he men wrap Lhelr heads
ln whlLe coLLon 1he women cover Lhelr facesall buL Lhe black eyes LhaL sLare sLralghL ahead
unseelng and yeL all seelng
WaLer buffalo drag carLs Lhrough Lhe sLreeLs buL foul Lhe sunbaked brlck and make a sLlnk LhaL
rlses wlLh Lhe sun eople wash Lhemselves ln Lhe rlverLhls rlver LhaL ls Lhe hearL of Lhe
landLhey wash Lhelr bables Lhelr food uLenslls Lhelr camels
1he rlver ls puLrld and fouland Lhey pracLlcally llve ln lL
8uL Lo Lhe sLory aL hand! Sukeena and l were blcycled by rlckshaw lnLo Lhe clLys maln
markeLdeep ln Lhe cenLer of humanlLy
We were noL by any means Lhe only vlslLors Lo Lhls clLy buL lL felL LhaL way
We collecLed some LrlnkeLs a good deal of colorful fabrlcs and a few more pleces of alabasLer
Lhese ornaLely carved All our goods were sLacked hlgh on Lhe Lhreewheeled blcycle our drlver
never heslLaLlng a momenL Lo add Lo hls load
AfLer abouL an hour of Lhls we Look Lea ln a small Leahouse where young boys clrculaLed Lhe alr
by mannlng large fans 1he Lea helped me Lo persplre whlch ln Lurn cooled me off l made Lhe
mlsLake of showlng my coln purse Lo pay for Lhe Leaa pracLlce !ohn has warned me agalnsL
Llme and Llme agaln and one l [usL cannoL 34
seem Lo masLer AL any raLe l commlLLed Lhls mlsLake ( !ohn ls rlghL of course) and musL have
shown Lo all Lhose looklng a good deal of bllls wlLhln LhaL small purse for !ohn had [usL
exchanged some dollars upon our arrlval and had provlded me approprlaLe spendlng money
l reallze now Lhls musL have been sLaged buL aL Lhe Llme Lhe commoLlon LhaL arose aL Lhe fronL
of Lhe bulldlng drove Sukeena and me Lo Lhe rear ln hopes of escaplng Lhe melee As we
sllpped ouL Lhe back noL one buL Lwo very evllmlnded men approached Lhelr message clear
from Lhe knlves Lhey carrled Lhe purse or our llves l nearly falnLed aL Lhls LhreaL of vlolence
and lL dld noL escape me LhaL as men confronLlng a whlLesklnned woman Lhey mlghL wanL
more Lhan [usL my purse
l wllllngly offered Lhe purse buL Sukeena lovlngly Look hold of my arm shook her head no
and made me Lo hold on Lo lL
Cne of Lhe Lwo sLepped forwardl belleve Lo challenge us cerLalnly Lo challenge Sukeena 8uL
LhaL brave woman sLood Lall Per skln so dark lL shlned blue nublan! Lhey called ouL ln Lhelr
forelgn Longue
And Lhen l wlLnessed wlLh my own eyes a slde of Sukeena l had never before seen She sLared
aL Lhls mana glarlng sLare unllke anyLhlng lmposslble Lo descrlbe She sLepped Loward hlm
her body fluld and flawless movlng more llke a wave Lhan a sLep a snake Lhan a legged
creaLure And all Lhe whlle a deep low guLLural sound pulsaLed from her LhroaL and chesL 1hls
sound seemed Lo surround us 1he man lncreaslngly uncomforLable wlLh her approach Look a
sLep back Lhe flrsL slgn she had domlnlon over hlm AL Lhls polnL Lhe guLLural sound evolved
lnLo languagea Longue l had never heard noL ln all our Lravels ln Lhe dark conLlnenL
8uL Lhls man and hls assoclaLe apparenLly undersLood Lhe prlmlLlve message she lmparLed As
she waved her hands Lhe man sLopped absoluLely sLlll As sLlll as marble 1haL knlfe carrled as
an ornamenL noL a weapon 8oLh men began Lo 33
Lrembleand l swear l felL Lhe earLh beneaLh my feeL rumbllngllke a selfconLalned
earLhquake 1hen Lhey folded ln on Lhemselves and wrlLhed ln paln on Lhe ground as lf sLrlcken
by some dlsease Lo Lhe sLomach or bowels WhaL began as Lhelr moanlng developed lnLo crles
of Lerror
Sukeena Look my hand sLepped around Lhe one ln fronL of us and led me down Lhe alley Lo our
walLlng drlver As l looked back Lhe men were sLlll groanlng mlserably
Sukeena has noL spoken of Lhe lncldenL and l for one am glad of LhaL facL for ld know noL
whaL Lo say 8uL l am less concerned abouL Lravel deep lnLo Lhese forelgn sLreeLs now l feel
proLecLed defended agalnsL Lhe dark slde by my Afrlcan frlend l am more lnLrlgued by her
unspeakable powers Where such powers come from and wheLher or noL a person can learn
Lhem can adopL Lhem for her own l have yeL Lo dlscover 8uL wlLh Sukeena Lo Leach me l
suddenly feel LhaL anyLhlng ls posslble AnyLhlng my hearL deslres
36
4 [ u l y 1 9 0 8 c r e L e g r e e c e Cur naLlons blrLhday was meL by much drlnklng on
!ohns parL
Pe began hls celebraLlons before noon parLaklng ln Lhe clear llquor Lhese flshermen drlnk by
Lhe shoL sald Lo be a varlaLlon on graln alcohol 1he Creeks of course have llLLle lf any ldea of
our lndependence uay and musL flnd !ohns dlsplay of paLrloLlsm somewhaL confoundlng
Sukeena and l Loured a ruln an old porL clLy now lnland by a quarLer mlle rocked above sea
level ln a selsmlc shlfL Lwo Lhousand years earller We vlslLed a row of sLone Lubs used for
washlng laundry so well preserved LhaL all Lhey lacked was a sLopper and some soap Lo be puL
back lnLo servlce 1hls ls Lhe land of raw ollve oll squld and goaLs LhaL cllmb Lrees (l saw Lhls
wlLh my own eyes!) A quleL peacelovlng peasanL people wlLh a rlch appeLlLe for cafe
dlscusslon drlnklng and coffee so sLrong and blLLer LhaL lL Lurns my sLomach
lL was here Lhls mornlng ln a specLacular sulLe of rooms overlooklng Lhe rlch blue depLhs of
Lhe MedlLerranean LhaL my wlll surrendered Lo !ohn for Lhe flrsL Llme slnce Lhls pasL Aprll
1he mornlng broke lncredlbly hoL and l sllpped ouL of bed Lo sLand by Lhe ocean breeze aL Lhe
wlndow when my husband Look hold of me from behlnd hls masslve hands beneaLh my gown
before my volce could rlse Lo proLesL l grabbed for elLher slde of Lhe open lrench doors and
braced myself casLlng myself forward and clearly lnvlLlng hls ardor Lhe hem of my nlghLgown
rldlng on my hlps hls brazen lnLenLlons drlvlng me Lo my Loes my knees qulverlng my hearL
raclng My Cod l musL admlL here Lo Lhe Lhrlll of lL all Cur passlons muLually helghLened by my
monLhs of refusal !ohns aggresslveness so mascullne and forceful yeL careful and klnd Lo me
l could noL malnLaln my fooLlng and Lherefore slowly sank Lo my knees my husband keeplng us
[olned and fervenLly pursulng hls cllmax Lo where ln a dlzzylng 37
momenL of unbrldled sensaLlon l Lrled Lo call ouL Lo hlm only Lo hear my volce moan Lhrough
lndlsLlngulshable syllables LhaL he clearly Look as a slgnal We collapsed ln a gasp of saLlsfacLlon
he on my back me wlLh my face pressed Lo Lhe Llle floor 1hls ls hardly a slLuaLlon becomlng
of a lady l sald weakly wlnnlng a sponLaneous erupLlon of laughLer from Lhe boLh of us
Cur mornlng rlde he sald and we laughed agaln
When we were aparL he rolled me over and we lay LogeLher agaln half ln half ouL of our
bedroom half ln half ouL of consclousness basklng ln Lhe mornlng sunshlne basklng ln our
unlon l wrapped my legs LlghLly around hls walsL and heard myself say lLs all behlnd us
yes?
l have hope lL ls
never agaln
never he sald genLly Louchlng my cheek l was a fool Lllen And Lhen Lhe words l had
prayed Lo hear lorglve me
We wlll noL speak of lL noL now noL ever lrom where Lhls caplLulaLlon arose l know noL
erhaps l wanLed a marrlage back
A llfe erhaps my confldence ln Sukeenas enormous powers made !ohn 8lmbauer less of an
obsLacle and more of a game Lo me l felL more Lhe caL Lhan Lhe mouse l had whaL he wanLed
ablllLy Lo dellver hls helr Pe had whaL l had qulckly grown accusLomed Lo poslLlon power and
Lremendous wealLh
As we lay Lhere Lhls forLyyearold man grew ardenL yeL agaln and agaln l caplLulaLed And for
Lhe flrsL Llme slnce our marrlage l dlrecLed hlm as Lo Lhe choreography of my pleasure WlLh
each lnsLrucLlon l gave l wlLnessed arousal ln my husband exclLemenL Pe would answer each
Louch l gave Lo hlm wlLh a hearLy LhroaLy ?es! and do exacLly as l wlshed l Lell you uear
ulary l never knew
l never knew 8uL under my careful lnsLrucLlon boLh of Lhe hlps and Lhe hands he dld pleasure
me carrylng me Lo new sensaLlons LhaL boLh alarmed me (for my surrender Lo Lhem) and
overcame me wlLh pure and perfecL dellghL (my every 38
muscle on flre aL once!) My legs sLlll grlpped around hlm l eased my damp head of halr back Lo
resLlng my chesL a florld plnk my husband panLlng llke a longdlsLance runner Cood boy
!ohnny l sald uslng a nlckname l had never dared use before adopLlng an aLLlLudeas much
a LesL as a convlcLlon
Pe placed hls head on my chesL and brlefly was LhaL llLLle boy l had compllmenLed l cannoL
explaln ln Lhese pages buL ln LhaL momenL Lhe Llde of our relaLlng husband Lo wlfe dld shlfL
wlfe Lo husband l galned Lhe sLrengLh and courage Lo express my physlcal deslres and ln dolng
so somehow also galned Lhe upper hand over my formerly deflanL husband l dldnL wanL Lo
Lhlnk abouL Lhe pasL l wanLed Lo command Lhe fuLure
As we dressed and Look coffee on Lhe balcony l felL anoLher sLlrrlng ln my lolns and nearly
requesLed my husbands favors yeL agaln 8uL Lhls sLlrrlng was someLhlng alLogeLher dlfferenL
from a womans urges AL flrsL l blamed Lhls awful coffee and Lhen laLer Lhe exclLemenL penL
up from my mornlng dlscoverles and Lhe accompllshmenL of one parL of my dream
8uL Lhen l blamed Lhe acL lLself (or Lhe acLs lf one ls counLlng!) lor Lhough ld never
experlenced Lhe condlLlon flrsLhand could only speculaLe on Lhe sensaLlon surglng Lhrough my
soul (noL my body buL my soul) l sensed Lhe presence of anoLher llfe
A llfe wlLhln me l was pregnanL
l knew Lhls absoluLely and wlLh all convlcLlon 1he flrsL fledgllng momenLs of a human belng
were growlng lnslde me
When Sukeena saw me lL was all buL conflrmed She meL me ln our rooms looked deeply lnLo
my eyes and smlled wldely So
she sald ln her pldgln Lngllsh lL has begun
lndeed lL has
39
9 s e p L e m b e r 1 9 0 8 p a r l s f r a n c e l am cursed Lver slnce our engagemenL Lo marry
and Lhe Lraglc murder aL Lhe slLe of Lhe grand house Parry Corblns lnsanlLy evenLs so sLrange
and pecullar as Lo foreshadow a llfe so dlfferenL Lhan a young glrl dreamsl should have
known! Larller Loday l losL my chlld lL lssued from me Sukeena nurslng me Lhrough lL (she
says all women lose Lhe chlldren noL made for Lhls earLh buL LhaL hardly helps) 1hls followlng
a soclal calendar here ln Lhls beloved clLy LhaL l begged !ohn Lo consLraln We have been acLlve
every nlghL for nearly Lwo weeksopera dlnner parLles buslness dlnners l felL myself
weakenlng under Lhe faLlgue sLralnlng Lo keep awake aL Llmes eaLlng food l found uLLerly Loo
rlch and unappeallng Wearlng corseLs Loo LlghL l cauLloned !ohn who knows so llLLle of
women and Lhelr needs l warned hlm LhaL lf he wanLed Lhls chlld he could noL make
requlremenLs of me afLer Lhls fashlon And now we suffer Lhe agony of Lhls loss
Such compleLe devasLaLlon l have never known l spenL Lwo hours ln Sukeenas arms ln
hysLerlcs sobblng and lncoherenL
My llLLle chlld LhaL warmed ln my belly ls gone A docLor has been broughL ln l am Lo Lake bed
resL for a week Lo Len days As lf Lhe LorLure of my loss ls noL enough my lnflrmlLy now frees my
husband for Lhe flrsL Llme ln monLhs Lo roam Lhls clLy alone ln search of hls favorlLe flower
and donL Lhlnk l donL know lL Pe began drlnklng heavlly Lhls mornlng Lhe momenL he was
lnformed l can plcLure her flfLeen or slxLeen 8lond 8lue eyes So much my opposlLe My
husband lavlshlng glfLs upon her And she spreadlng her honey a sweeLness he cannoL reslsL
l am slck Lo my sLomach wlLh Lhe LhoughL Sukeena belleves my nausea ls relaLed Lo my loss
buL l know beLLer l am llvld wlLh anger and resenLmenL Agaln l brood and consulL Lhe dark slde
on how Lo punlsh !ohn for never llsLenlng Lo me
Always orderlng me around llke one of hls foremen or shlp capLalns Agaln l 60
know LhaL Lhe power l lord over hlm ls Lhe presenLaLlon of an helr WlLhouL me he has only
basLards l offer hlm leglLlmacy
lmmorLallLy
Sukeena has eyes LhaL smlle as l explaln Lhls Lo her As long as you angry Mlss Lllen l know
you Lo llve She wanLs me Lo have a ralson dLre afrald LhaL my loss wlll Lhrow me lnLo a
slump (for l am cerLaln she has seen Lhls before ln her Lrlbal frlends) So l focus on punlshlng
!ohn on denylng hlm my womanhood denylng hlm hls chlld LeL hlm roam Lhe sLreeLs for hls
glrls he wlll never know love Pe wlll never know famlly
l consplre ln my mlnd Lo hurL hlm whlle aL Lhe same Llme worshlplng hlm
AL Llmes l haLe myself for my devoLed love of my husbandls lL Lhe age LhaL separaLes us? hls
success and sLrengLh?l Lreasure hlm even whlle dlsllklng hlm so fully so absoluLely lf
anyLhlng drlves me lnsane lL wlll be Lhese Lwo women who llve lnslde me one LhaL loves one
LhaL wanLs Lo haLe one LhaL prays Lo Cod Lo celebraLe llfe one LhaL prays Lo uarkness Lo punlsh
my husband Pow can l ever reconclle Lhese Lwo ln Lhe same body Lhe same woman? l loaLhe
hlm l love hlm l wanL hls aLLenLlon and yeL l now grleve because he wouldnL leave me Lo
resL l wanL lndependence separaLlon and yeL l long for our llfe LogeLher aL Lhe grand housea
famlly l wanL Lo punlsh hlm l wanL Lo serve hlm Who am l uear ulary LhaL l can be so vexed?
And so for Lhe nexL Len days l shall mourn Lhe passlng of Lhls almosLchlld
l shall beg Lo be glven back Lhe glfL of Cods graclous blesslng l shall resenL my husband so
very much lf he Lakes my lnflrmlLy as opporLunlLy
l cannoL flnd peace l cannoL sleep l am noL hungry My body purges
Sukeena nurses me llke a slsLer My bellef bullds LhaL lf Cod has allowed me Lo lose Lhls chlld
Lhere ls some hldden reason behlnd lL Why else would Pe puL me Lhrough such loss and agony
anxleLy and paln? ls lL perhaps noL yeL Llme for !ohns helr? Are Lhere more LesLs upon us Lo
come? Cr am l deflclenL ln 61
some way unable Lo dellver whaL every oLher woman dellvers so naLurally?
Pow lf ever wlll l now flnd lnLernal peace? Pow lf ever wlll l recover my soul? lor l fear lL has
fled wlLh Lhls almosLchlldhls llLLle helr runnlng from hls faLher before even enLerlng hls
world And as l read back whaL lve wrlLLen l know LhaL Lhe answer Lo Lhese quesLlons ls lLself a
dlchoLomy moLherhood
1haL whlch l seek Lo deny hlm ls lLself Lhe soluLlon Lo my grlef and anxleLles
l am so confused 1lred now l musL resL l musL close my eyes even lf sleep wonL come l wlll
llsLen Lo Sukeena hummlng by my slde Lhose Lrlbal melodles and rhyLhms l wlll fall under her
spell Lhls enchanLlng woman who loves me and cares for me llke a slsLer Where would l be
wlLhouL my dear Sukeena? We are bonded now Lhe Lwo of us And lL shall remaln so forever
62
9 d e c e m b e r 1 9 0 8 s e a L L l e w a s h l n g L o n AfLer nearly a year away !ohn and l
reLurned Lo SeaLLle Loday by Lraln MeL aL Lhe sLaLlon by my moLher and my former governess
(who now works as my moLhers secreLary) l Lhrew myself lnLo MoLhers arms llke a schoolglrl
reLurnlng from summer camp l had wrlLLen home aL leasL a leLLer a week and so lL ls LhaL my
moLher ls qulLe aware of boLh Lhe pregnancy and Lhe mlscarrlage
She greeLed Sukeena noL llke a negro klLchen mald as l feared she mlghL buL as a member of
Lhe famlly wlLh klsses and Lhe warmesL of welcomes 1hls above all else meanL so much Lo
me
My moLher Look Sukeena Lo her home We are Lo llve aparL for a shorL Llme unLll !ohn and l are
moved lnLo Lhe grand house an evenL LhaL ls expecLed Lo Lake place wlLhln a maLLer of days buL
may sLreLch ouL a few weeks due Lo Lhe hollday season Ch how grand lL ls Lo see Lhls clLy l love
so Muddy roads and all Cray weL skles and all 1he lush green ls a welcome rellef Lo eyes LhaL
have looked ouL Lraln wlndows for days as we crossed Lhe wheaL flelds of kansas and Colorado
and Lhe barren reaches of ldaho and easLern WashlngLon 1hese endless ralns are noL wlLhouL
Lhelr lush rewards
!ohn and l Look Lo hls rooms Sukeena meL me laLer ln Lhe day and LogeLher we began Lhe
arduous Lask of unpacklng my Lwelve sLeamers Added Lo our burden ls Lhe [ob of overseelng
Lhe lnvenLorylng of Lhe goods shlpped home over Lhe pasL year 1hey have been assembled ln a
downLown warehousecraLe upon craLe upon craLe Some are Lo be unpacked some wlll walL
for relocaLlon Lo Lhe grand house buL all are Lo be counLed and accounLed for lL ls a Lask LhaL
wlll occupy boLh Sukeena and me for weeks Lo come as by my counL no fewer Lhan nlneLyflve
shlpmenLs should have arrlved 8ugs furs !ohns Afrlcan shooLlng Lrophles urns vases
llghLsLhe llsL ls nearly endless ChrlsLmas lndeed l have 63
never been so exclLed as Lo unwrap Lhese Lreasures l am llke a llLLle glrl under Lhe Lree
1he long Lraln Lrlp afforded me Lhe opporLunlLy Lo refuse !ohns advances Llme and Llme agaln
l gloaLed ln Lhe pleasure of lL Conflned as we were he had no opporLunlLy Lo Lake Lo Lhe
sLreeLs lnsLead day by day he became boLh more frusLraLed wlLh me and more subservlenL l
had hlm servlng my every need calllng for porLers for dlnlng servlce acLlng as manservanL Lo
me
WhaL a sensaLlon! l cannoL explaln lL here lL ls Lhe flrsL Llme lve felL so slnce Lhe loss of Lhe
chlld Pe wllLed under my glare Pe Lrembled when aL nlghL we Look Lo bed and l pressed my
warm body agalnsL hlm only Lo deny hlm Lhe ulLlmaLe prlze l wlll surrender of course lL ls
hard for me Lo deny myself hls pleasures as
well (Lhough l never lndlcaLe Lhls!) And now LhaL we reLurn Lo a place he can flnd such
saLlsfacLlons wlLhouL me lL ls Llme l glve ln hoplng Lo sLem LhaL Llde l prepare myself for LhaL
evenLuallLy
!ohn and l spenL much of Lhe Lraln Lrlp wrlLlng a llsL of guesLs Lo be lnvlLed Lo Lhe openlng of Lhe
grand house We have scheduled a parLy for !anuary Lhe flfLeenLh allowlng several exLra weeks
ln case of a hollday slowdown ( !ohn wlll devoLe hlmself Lo Lhe house fully when noL engaged
ln hls oll buslness Pe has already lefL for a meeLlng wlLh uouglas osey hls oll parLner Lo
dlscuss Lhe evenLs of Lhe pasL week durlng whlch Llme we were lsolaLed on Lhe Lraln) A packeL
of phoLographs awalLed us aL Lhe 8lLz ln new ?ork upon our arrlval Lhere by sLeamer
Ch such grandeur! 1he facade ls brlck Lhe house conLalned behlnd a wroughLlron fence and a
Lwln seL of sLone plllars over whlch hangs Lhe 8lmbauer cresL 1he drlveway hosLs an lsland
home Lo one of Lhe many sLaLueLLes we purchased ln lLaly
1here musL be LhlrLy wlndows or more on Lhe fronL of Lhe house a half dozen chlmneys rlslng
from lLs myrlad of roofLops 1he lnLerlor plcLures of Lhe Crand SLalr and Lhe LnLry Pall leave
me breaLhless Ch Lo Lhlnk of Lhls 64
magnlflcenL place as my home! l canL lmaglne! (8uL l shall soon enough!) ln Lhe arlor l saw
LhaL Lhe sulL of armor (from Lngland) Lhe brown bear (shoL by !ohn ln Lhe Swlss Alps) and Lhe
plpe organ (from 8avarla) are already lnsLalled!
Pow lmpresslve a slghL lL lsLhese souvenlrs and Lreasures from our year abroad l Lhrlll aL Lhe
LhoughL of Laklng Lea ln my arlor!
1he parLyour homecomlng and Lhe dedlcaLlon of Lhe housels Lo be a lavlsh affalr local
pollLlclans enLerLalners frlends and buslnessmen perhaps Lhree hundred ln all My moLher has
been overseelng much of Lhe preparaLlon ln advance of our arrlval !ohn senL nearly flfLy cases
of champagne from lrance and anoLher several hundred cases of wlne many of whlch wlll go
Lo Lhe celebraLlon Lhe resL Lo be housed ln our Wlne Cellar ( !ohn wanLs Lo boasL Lhe largesL
prlvaLe wlne cellar on Lhe WesL CoasL) 8eef has been shlpped from Chlcago and kansas 63
ClLy ork from nebraska lresh flsh ls Lo be dellvered from dockslde on Lhe day of Lhe grand
affalr ChocolaLe from SwlLzerland 1ea from Lngland Clgars from Cuba !ohn ls leavlng noLhlng
Lo chance 1hls ls a parLy no one ln SeaLLle wlll ever forgeL
And lf l have my wayand lndeed l wllllL ls a parLy we shall repeaL annually A parLy Lo dwarf
any new ?ears Lve evenL 1he 8lmbauer arLy lL shall go down ln Lhe socleLy pages for years
Lo come 1he blggesL parLy ln Lhe blggesL house
l feel myself on Lrack agaln l am glad our long [ourney ls over
AnoLher ls [usL beglnnlng
66
c h r l s L m a s e v e 1 9 0 8 s e a L L l e lor Lwo palnful weeks !ohn has denled me a vlslL Lo
our grand home as workers compleLe Lhe flnal Louches We shall formally move lnLo our home
on !anuary Lhe flfLeenLh Lhe day of our homecomlng parLy ( !ohn has scheduled our arrlval
wlLh a greeLlng by Lhe sLaff on LhaL day) AfLer repeaLed requesLs on my parL Lo Lour our new
home so LhaL l mlghL orchesLraLe Lhe dellvery of our personal lLems well ln advance of our
formal arrlval !ohn drove me up Sprlng SLreeL ln hls new Cadlllac Lhls afLernoon a Lrlp l
remember well from my flrsL [ourney here so many monLhs ago
1he clLy ls sLlll ln Lhe grlps of varlous sLages of Lhe regrade accounLlng for some very sllly slghLs
Some famllles have elecLed Lo challenge ln courL Lhe clLys rlghL Lo lower cerLaln sLreeLs by as
much as sevenLy feeL whlle fllllng ln varlous gulches LhaL make passage nearly lmposslble 1hls
efforL ongolng now for nearly a decade has been a blLLer baLLle 1hose famllles LhaL have
broughL legal sulL agalnsL Lhe clLy have noL been requlred Lo lower Lhelr homes leavlng some
loLs and Lhe houses aLop Lhem lsolaLed on forLy or flfLyfooL plnnacles earLhen Lowers
rlslng from Lhe new sLreeL level (muddy as lL ls) 1he homes are compleLely lnaccesslble leavlng
Lhe famllles wlLhouL resldence lL ls qulLe obvlous LhaL aL some polnL Lhese famllles wlll
caplLulaLe buL oh whaL a slghL ln Lhe meanLlme! lL seems as lf nearly every bulldlng ln Lhls
easLern parL of Lhe clLy ls on scaffoldlng of some klnd and lnLermlxed Lhese plnnacles
rlslng over flve sLorles lnLo Lhe gray dreary sky
Cur arrlval aL Lhe gaLes of Lhe 8lmbauer manslon (for lL ls noLhlng less!) lefL me breaLhless All
Lhese monLhs of revlewlng plans movlng walls changlng wlndows even Lhe phoLos dellvered
ln new ?ork dld noLhlng Lo prepare me for Lhls momenL! She ls specLacular! reLenLlous!
Corgeous!
67
1he fronL of our sLone and brlck home sLreLches hundreds of feeL norLh Lo souLh presenLlng
one wlLh a formldable wall of brlck roof glass and chlmney lf lmpresslon ls whaL
!ohn was afLer lmpresslon he accompllshed l could go on and on ln my descrlpLlonand
perhaps l wlll when l am less LlredbuL for now l wlsh Lo descrlbe [usL one or Lwo rooms
rooms LhaL as wlfe Lo Lhls man wlll be forever lmporLanL Lo me
1he dlnlng room Lo be called Lhe 8anqueL Pall ls magnlflcenL wlLh Lhe gleamlng walnuL Lable
occupylng lLs cenLer l esLlmaLe Lhls Lable can accommodaLe roughly sevenLy or elghLy dlnner
guesLs CablneLs are bullL lnLo Lwo sldes of Lhe room all wlLh glass doors and are soon Lo
conLaln our vasL collecLlon of chlna l envlslon Lhe norLh wall holdlng !ohns famllys collecLlon
of LeapoLs represenLlng over slxLy counLrles around Lhe world llne palnLlngs from Lhe
Luropean masLers adorn Lhe walls landscapes mosLly many of whlch we acqulred on our
honeymoon so our guesLs can slL and dream of places far away whlle slxfooL logs burn
furlously ln Lhe flreplace l can hardly walL for our homecomlng parLy! We wlll flll Lhls Lable and
more wlLh our dlnner guesLswhaL an occaslon lL ls Lo be!
!ohns and my chambers occupy Lhe enLlre WesL Wlng of Lhe second floor each of us havlng slx
or seven rooms Lo ourselves when lncludlng parlors dresslng rooms and our sLudles and
llbrarles My bedroom Lhe Ladys Chambers ls everyLhlng l dreamed lL Lo be! lL has a blg bay
wlndow faclng Lhe courLyard and overlooklng Lhe glassedln Solarlum off Lhe klLchen where
boLanlcal varleLles of every sorL are currenLly belng planLed 1he wlndows of Lhe room are hung
wlLh whlLe sllk curLalns wlLh overdrapes of heavy green brocade 1he bed lLself rlses up Lhree
sLeps and l can already lmaglne Lhe sLaff maklng commenLs abouL my
Lhrone no maLLerl love Lhe look! 1he woodwork ln Lhe room ls decoraLed wlLh hand
carvlngs mosL of whlch are from Lhe small 68
Lown of Cpede ln Lhe souLh of lrance where !ohn and l vlslLed noL slx monLhs ago lnsLalled
lnLo my bedroom Lhe crafLsmanshlp looks sumpLuous ornaLe and qulLe rlch! 1o Lhe rlghL of
Lhe bed and down Lhe sLeps ls a Lhreepanel CrlenLal screen behlnd whlch l can qulckly
undress 1he doors of Lhls screen carry fulllengLh mlrrors so LhaL l mlghL vlew all sldes before
[olnlng my husband ln bed for hls husbandly vlslLs (l musL say LhaL slghL of Lhls house has
erased so much of our ugly pasL !ohn ls so proud of lL and l of hlm for Lhls magnlflcenL
accompllshmenL) 1he opposlLe sldes of Lhe screen Lhose faclng lnLo Lhe room are of a dark
green plush remlnlscenL of Lhe foresL behlnd our home
1here are four area rugs all from ersla a green velveL recllner Lwo Louls xlv armchalrs and a
dresser from Lhe Lolre l am flL Lo be a queen!
69
1 6 [ a n u a r y 1 9 0 9
l musL reporL uear ulary on Lhe lnaugural of Lhe grand house and Lhe nlghL of dlvlne romance
LhaL followed
llrsL Lo Lhe weaLher We musL be belng punlshed for our year away Lo mosLly Lroplcal
locaLlons 1he heaL of kenya and Calro ls belng more Lhan made up for ln Lhe mosL blLLer cold
SeaLLle has suffered ln memory 1he freeze LhaL grlpped Lhls clLy [usL days ago wlLh a
LemperaLure of only Lwelve degrees above zero and allowed skaLlng on Lake unlon for Lhe flrsL
Llme l can recall was reversed less Lhan a day laLer wlLh LemperaLures ln Lhe mldLwenLles 1he
coldweaLher fun conLlnued for all of LhaL day and lnLo Lhe nlghL And Lhen Lragedy as Lhe
LhermomeLer soared Lo well lnLo Lhe forLlesa more Lyplcal LemperaLure 8y early Lhe nexL
mornlng Lhe paper reporLed LhaL over LwenLy Lhousand plpes had bursL across Lhe clLy
Mlraculously our new home perched hlgh on Lhe hlll was somehow spared We suffered noL a
slngle bursL plpea facL LhaL qulckly made Lhe soclal clrcles !ohn clalms lL ls Lhe resulL of good
plannlng on hls and Lhe englneers parL havlng lnsulaLed Lhe plpes and run Lhem on lnLerlor
walls lL dldnL hurL l suppose LhaL Lhe sLaff has had flres raglng ln every room and Lhe sLeam
heaL on as well preparlng Lhe home for our parLy
no maLLer! Cur guesLs many wlLhouL runnlng waLer ln Lhelr homes were dellghLed Lo [oln us
LhaL evenlng!
And now agaln Lo Lhe house lLself for l am smlLLen wlLh her!
Such splendor such lavlsh expense has seldom been seen cerLalnly on Lhese shores erhaps
only 8ockefeller vanderbllL or Carnegle has ever bullL an Amerlcan home so grand as ours lL ls
sLlll under consLrucLlon as l wrlLe Lhls (wlll lL ever be compleLed?
l wonder) and yeL we were able Lo Lour our guesLs Lhrough some LwenLy Lhousand square feeL
of llvlng space 1he fronL LnLry Pall gallery Lo !ohns hunLlng Lrophles ls slxLy feeL long a
sLunnlng foyer of rlch Afrlcan mahogany LhaL leads Lo Lhe curvlng Lwo71
slded sLalrcase ascendlng Lo Lhe flrsL of four floors 1o sLand aL Lhe base of Lhe sLalrs one faces
a hallway boLh rlghL and lefL forward and back Ahead ls Lhe klLchen and Solarlum 1o Lhe rlghL
ls a plcLure gallery and several slLLlng rooms
1o Lhe lefL ls Lhe 8anqueL Pall more hallways and parlors Lhe 8reakfasL 8oom lL has Laken me
days [usL Lo learn my way around Lhls palace Cne can geL losL so qulckly and easlly
Cur lnaugural was aLLended by over Lwo hundred and flfLy All aLe dlnner ln one of slx rooms
and Lhen Lhere was danclng ln Lhe Crand 8allroom unLll well lnLo Lhe wee hours We had a
senaLor Lhe mayor Lhe greaL 8roadway sLage acLress Mar[orle Savoy a baseball player whose
name l cannoL recall buL ls sald Lo be qulLe famous Lhe soprano and sLunnlng beauLy !eanlne
Sablno (wlLh whom !ohn spenL a llLLle Loo much Llme for my llklng) and Lwo lLallans and
Chlnese all Lhree of whom are rumored Lo be gln runners or some oLher form of lowllfe and
were lnvlLed only because !ohns lmporLlng of oll depends on Lhelr cooperaLlon
(1he more l learn of Lhls buslness Lhe more horrlfled l am Cne greaL advanLage of our year
abroad was LhaL !ohn Look me lnLo hls confldence regardlng hls oll maLLers and l learned a greaL
deal
Pe seems consLanLly lnvolved ln secreL negoLlaLlons Lo brlng reflnerles and mlnor oll companles
LogeLher Lo exLorL Lhe rallroads for lower shlpplng cosLs Lo affecL supply Lo negoLlaLe beLLer
labor cosLs So much secrecy ls lnvolvedl had no ldea!) l wore a whlLe dress LhaL was such a
success wlLh Lhe men LhaL l shall wear lL each and every year from now on! 1he women were all
dressed so beauLlfully rlch velveLs sllks and wool 1he men wore LuxedoswhlLe Lle so
eleganL and reflned l Lell you we were Lhe LoasL of Lhe Lown and shall remaln ln hlgh regard for
years Lo come because of lL lew could belleve Lhe slze of Lhe grand house as close Lo Lown as
lL ls l heard words llke
museum and royal palace on Lhe llps of everyone who Loured
1he decoraLlons are splendldour long Lrlp so [usLlfled now LhaL 72
l see all LhaL we collecLed so beauLlfully coordlnaLed lL ls sumpLuous wlLhouL belng gaudy
exLravaganL wlLhouL belng hldeous l am qulLe proud of boLh !ohn and myself for whaL weve
accompllshed
l share here a conversaLlon l overheard whlle approachlng Lhe Llbrary (6000
volumes!) beLween Lwo men1anner Longford chancellor of Lhe unlverslLy and 8radley
WebsLer head of a bank LhaL compeLes wlLh my faLhers l polnL ouL uear ulary LhaL Lhese are
noL smallmlnded menfar from lL!and LhaL Lo hear such Lalk (Laken ln confldence lm sure)
adds a greaL deal of verlslmlllLude Lo Lhe conLenL of Lhelr exchange
1anners ls a deep volce LhaL remlnds one of a sLoryLeller
8radley WebsLer ls a small man wlLh a choked nasal exaggeraLlon Lo hls conversaLlon l heard
1anner flrsL
?ou heard abouL Lhe murder up here?
?es of course Porrlble wasnL lL? 8radley WebsLer ls a blL full of hlmself
l hear Lhe manCorwln wasnL lL?
Corbln l belleve
?es 1haLs lL Well Lhe poor man wenL lnsane 1oLally mad
SenLenced Lo LwenLyflve years Pe clawed hls eyes ouL ln hls cell clalmlng an lndlan had made
hlm do lL Sald he came ouL of Lhe hole llke Lhe uevllLhe hole belng Lhe foundaLlon Lo Lhls
house you seehad handed hlm Lhe shoLgun
Pls eyes was lL?
?es uled from lL l heard 8led Lo deaLh 1he eyeless basLard runnlng around hls cell
screamlng Co away! Co away! Clalmed LhaL same lndlan had vlslLed hls cell and Lold hlm hls
work wasnL over
An lndlan
8lmbauer knew of course
knew whaL 1anner?
?ou donL know abouL Lhls slLe?
73
lm afrald l donL
Llsa Lold me 1anner Langford explalned (Llsa ls 1anners slsLer an lnfluenLlal woman and
a member of our chlldrens hosplLal board) 1hey uncovered lndlan remalns whlle dlgglng Lhe
foundaLlon Coddamned cemeLery ls whaL lL was SkeleLons by Lhe wagon load l heard Some
of Lhe Chlnamen qulL
1here was some lllness blamed on Lhe graves levers LhaL sorL of Lhlng
l havenL heard any of Lhls
Llsa knows all Lhe docLors l Lhlnk we can LrusL her reporLs
l dldnL mean Lo lmply
Some rellcs were uncovered l heard A chlef or some Lrlbal head of sLaLe
1here was looLlng 8lmbauer ordered several men flred 8uL word goL ouL 1he sLaLe was Lo
send an experL And Lhen he burned Lhe bones
Pe whaL!?
Made a bonflre of Lhem as l undersLand lL Pad Lhem use a few barrels of hls olll llke LhaL
llLLle Louchand burned Lhem Lo ash 8y Lhe Llme Lhe sLaLes man arrlved Lhere was noLhlng
lefL
1hey were golng Lo shuL hlm down you see buL Lhey couldnL do LhaL now
8lmbauer puL lL all off Lo rumor A clever one 8lmbauer ls 8uL Lhen Lhls man CorblnwhaL do
you make of LhaL? An lndlan he sald Made hlm do lL Can you lmaglne?
A sLory ls all noLhlng more Lhan a sLory
l agree l agree! 8uL sLlll an lndlan!
AL Lhls polnL ln Lhelr conversaLlon someone meL me ln Lhe hall and greeLed me and my
eavesdropplng was lnLerrupLed l donL know whaL followed WhaL l do know ls LhaL !ohn never
menLloned a word Lo me abouL any lndlan burlal ground l never heard Lhe sLory abouL Corbln
elLher Pls eyes! Cood Cod l canL lmaglne such a selflnfllcLed wound! l hope beyond measure
LhaL lLs purely sensaLlonal rumormy buL how people love Lo spln Lales abouL Lhe wealLhy!
!ohn has been Lhe sub[ecL of much dlscusslon and rumor for years now l am a parL of LhaL now
and l sup74
pose lL wlll conLlnue as long as he wlelds Lhe klnd of power he does Pe supplles Lhls clLy
wlLh some elghLy percenL of lLs llghLlng oll kerosene and gasollne orLland as well lorLy
percenL of San lranclsco nlneLy percenL of uenver 1he !apanese are buylng Lhe 8rlLlsh
lrench lndonesla Pe has creaLed an emplre (havlng enlarged lL durlng our honeymoon!) and
any emperor suffers aL Lhe llps of hls people
l relaLed whaL l had overheard Lo Sukeena who ls so percepLlve abouL maLLers of Lhe splrlL She
Lells me Lhe house ls powerful and llke noLhlng she has ever felL before
Cne maLLer of noLe several of our guesLs aL Lhe lnaugural relaLed Lo me LhaL Lhey became
frlghLfully losL whlle Lourlng Lhe house on Lhelr own l found myself amused by Lhls acLually as
l was myself losL [usL a day or so agofor a momenL l acLually belleved Lhe hallway had looked
enLlrely dlfferenL [usL mlnuLes earller Can you lmaglne? l pald llLLle aLLenLlon Lo Lhese reporLs
unLll Sukeena warned me Lo sLay ouL of Lhe 8llllard 8oom AL flrsL l LhoughL she meanL because
!ohn ls so possesslve abouL hls prlvaLe Llme spenL Lhere wlLh hls clgars and brandy We dld noL
speak furLher of lL unLll Lhls evenlng when l made a commenL abouL how some of Lhe guesLs
could noL flnd Lhelr way
1he 8llllard 8oom she sald
lm noL sure l Lold her
Mlss Lllen l Lell youlL ls Lhe 8llllard 8oom Lhey speak of l seen Lhlngs Lhere l feel Lhem ln
here WlLh LhaL she cluLched aL her hearL a mannerlsm she uses only ln Lhe mosL engaglng of
expresslons (When l losL Lhe baby she saL by my slde holdlng my hand coverlng her bosom ln
Lhls same way)
leel whaL my dear frlend?
She shook her head noL wanLlng Lo speak of lL
WhaL? l repeaLed perhaps a llLLle desperaLely
noL whaL Mlss Lllen who she sald l feel Lhem 1he ones LhaL Lake us
My parenLs My nephew
73
l shuddered Sukeenas parenLs and nephew were dead l knew Lhls absoluLely
1he lndlans l whlspered
Sukeena looked aL me gravely and she nodded We noL alone ln Lhls house Mlss Lllen
As Lo Lhe romance of Lhls lnaugural evenlng sufflce lL Lo say here ln Lhese prlvaLe pages LhaL Lhe
champagne wenL Lo my head qulLe early ln Lhe evenlng and LhaL by Lhe wee hours when !ohn
and l flnally reLlred l was noL qulLe myself glven Lo my deslres and overcome by my
husbands passlons Cur lovemaklng was franLlc desperaLe even !ohn upon me before my
undergarmenLs were removed
Pls affecLlons are so lmposslble Lo reslsL aL momenLs llke Lhls Pls sLrengLh hls lnLenslLy Pad l
noL had Lhe wlne perhaps l could have found my sLrengLh buL as lL was l succumbed wlLh llLLle
reslsLance And Lhen l parLlclpaLed And Lhen l crled ouL my demands and drove hlm Lo a
frenzya pracLlce l have learned Lo Llme Lo meeL my own needs We fell Lo Lhe floor of my
dresslng room ln a Langle of whlLe sllk and a muLual hunger LhaL dld noL abaLe unLll Lhe sllk was
Lorn and my dear husband carrled deep scraLches down hls back (My gown wlll need much
repalr!) l fear l screamed so loudly LhaL Lhe malds musL have heard erhaps Lhe whole house
Sukeena gave me a look Lhls mornlng LhaL lnformed me aL leasL she had heard 1hen she made
me Lo lle ln bed wlLh my rump elevaLed on plllows for nearly Lhree hours a Lwlnkle ln her eye
l wlll glve you chlld Mlss Lllen
Sukeena knows how badly l wanL Lhls how much l fear loslng anoLher 8uL [usL Lhose words
fllled me wlLh exclLemenL !ohn was off Lo hls sLudy early Lhls mornlng (oh how hls head musL
Lhrob!) ln an efforL Lo read a new conLracL wlLh Lhe unlon aclflc 8uL before he lefL he enLered
my bedroom and lefL a red rose on Lhe plllow nexL Lo me Lhe Lhorns neaLly removed wlLh a
penknlfe Lhe 76
smell so lusclous and fllllng me and my dreams wlLh conLenLmenL
WhaL color Loday Mlss Lllen? Sukeena asked from my dresslng room
8ed l sald back Lo her namlng Lhe color of Lhe flower
8ose 8ed l repeaLed more sLrongly lL has a famlllar rlng Lo lL Lhough l canL recall from
where And Lhen a reallzaLlon my husband and l had [usL named our grand house
77
1 3 m a r c h 1 9 0 9 r o s e r e d
l heslLaLe Lo puL down lnLo words my LhoughLs on Lhls day for l am vexed lndeed by whaL
happened here Lhls afLernoon As l wrlLe pollce are sLlll searchlng Lhe house Somehow by
puLLlng Lhls down here on paper lL seems l am glvlng lL power And l have no lnLenLlon Lo do
such a Lhlng for l fear Lhls power (lf lL exlsLs aL all) ls formldable lndeed 8uL where else can l
express myself ? CerLalnly !ohn wlll hear none of lL and Lhough l love Sukeena as a slsLer her
llmlLed Lngllsh rarely allows exchanges LhaL go beyond Lhe ordlnary mechanlcs of llvlng or Lhe
funcLlons of a womans body
l am now Lwo monLhs pregnanL wlLh chlld and l have never been happler
!ohn parades around Lhe house as proud as a peacock barklng orders aL Lhe servanLs Lo Lake
care of my every need
Pe sLays home aL nlghL and reads Lo me ln Lhe arlor (Lhe slLe of our unforLunaLe lncldenL Lo
day) all Lhe whlle freLLlng over me and my every squlrm l have [usL now begun Lo show ever so
sllghLly and !ohn comes Lo my rooms aL nlghL llfLs my nlghLgown up pasL my walsL and genLly
rubs my sLomach someLlmes wlLh loLlons lays hls head Lhere and Lalks Lo Lhe Llny chlld
growlng lnslde me We have had relaLlons qulLe ofLenhe has never been more Lenderand l
feel closer Lo hlm now Lhan aL any polnL ln our brlef marrlage
My pregnancyLhe news has spread qulckly Lhrough socleLywas responslble for a LeaLlme
vlslL from my dear frlend Mellssa 8ay and her frlend Connle lauxmanLeur l am less personally
acqualnLed wlLh Mrs lauxmanLeur alLhough well aware of her husbands lumber forLune and
Lhelr slzable conLrlbuLlons Lo clLy charlLy She ls flve or more years my senlor and as such l
never knew her ln school as l dld Mellssa wlLh whom l have en[oyed a sLeady and sLeadfasL
companlonshlp
78
We dlscussed !ohns and my year abroad me carefully embelllshlng Lhe [ourney Lo sound llke
Lhe ldeal honeymoon 1here was also greaL dlscusslon of chlldren boLh as lnfanLs and older
and Lhe mood was qulLe elevaLed LhroughouL Lhe long afLernoon
1he arlor ls a magnlflcenL room [usL Lo Lhe lefL of Lhe fronL door as one enLers aneled ln
walnuL wlLh carpeLs from Lhe LasL lL houses a plpe organ l acqulred ln Cermany durlng our
Luropean Lravels lL ls home Lo landscapes of lrance a porLralL of !ohn commlssloned ln
Lngland and varlous oLher mlnor Lreasures such as a Chlnese vase and a seL of Cerman
marksman plsLols AlLhough a poor cousln Lo our cenLral Llbrary Lhe arlor noneLheless houses
among Lhe llLeraLure on lLs shelves flve auLographed works of ulckens and anoLher half dozen
auLographed by 8udyard klpllng a clever wrlLer who has focused hls works on lndla and ls
becomlng qulLe popular boLh here and abroad
1here ls a leaLherclad globe of Lhe world purchased ln Cxford Lngland ln Lhe far corner
guardlng Lhe door lnLo Lhe CenLral Pall WesL Mrs lauxmanLeur was regardlng LhaL globe when
l lasL lald eyes on her Mellssa and l were engaged ln some gosslp aL Lhe Llme abouL rumors of
1lna Colemans broLhers addlcLlon Lo oplum and l only made a sldeways glance ln Lhe
dlrecLlon of Lhe vlslLlng Mrs
lauxmanLeur l felL an urgenL need Lo warn her LhaL Sukeena uses LhaL very globe as a klnd of
prayer wheel and LhaL she Lells me Lhls globe ls slnce vesLed wlLh exLraordlnary powers
lncludlng Lhe ablllLy Lo open a porLal lnLo Lhe soul of 8ose 8ed
(Sukeena clalms Lhe house ls allveLhaL she can feel lLs presencean oplnlon wlLh whlch l
have Laken greaL lssue and LhaL has been Lhe source of argumenL beLween us) Sukeena also
belleves Lhere are many such porLals LhroughouL Lhe home and LhaL one musL be careful where
one moves and Lo guard ones LhoughLs ln cerLaln locaLlons or suffer Lhe consequences
alLhough she has never relayed whaL Lhese consequences mlghL be All Lhls ls communl79
caLed beLween us ln such a cllpped uncerLaln way LhaL lm noL even sure l have lL rlghL
alLhough l do know qulLe clearly LhaL Sukeena ls afrald of 8ose 8ed Cr perhaps cauLlous ls a
beLLer word
AL any raLe dear Mrs lauxmanLeur was ln Lhe corner splnnlng Lhe globe llke a small chlld wlLh
her gloved hand All aL once Mellssa and l overheard Lhe mosL asLonlshlng language comlng
from her She was mumbllng as lf ln prayer Lhough noL ln any language l have ever heard (and
over Lhe course of Lhls lasL year l have heard many!) 1he globe spun fasLer and fasLer and yeL
aL leasL from my angle Mrs lauxmanLeur was no longer asslsLlng lLs moLlon
Connle? Mellssa lnqulred ln a Lroubled volce
Mrs lauxmanLeur? l called ouL knowlng more abouL LhaL globe Lhan my dear frlend
Mellssa 8ay ?ou really should noL handle LhaL globe
And now l swear Lo you uear ulary dld LhaL womans head Lurn all of lLs own accordas lf
unaLLached from Lhe body lLself
lL dld roLaLe Loward us and LhaL woman flxed her manlacal gaze on us wlLh reddened eyes and
LwlsLed llps 8uL whaL mosL asLonlshed us boLh was Lhe ashen quallLy of her faclal skln Mrs
lauxmanLeur arrlved under Lhe burden of a greaL deal of rouge she dld noL need And yeL as
she Lurned Lo face us none of Lhls cosmeLlc remalned Per skln seemed nearly LranslucenL Lhe
blue velns showlng llke a Langle of knlLLlng yarn her llps bloodless and cracklng llke lce
SLep away please dear woman l called ouL
Connle lauxmanLeur dld ln facL sLep back and away from LhaL globe And as she dld Lhe
globes roLaLlon began Lo slow and for Lhe flrsL Llme l noLlced a nolse llke a slngle hlgh noLe of
a chlldrens cholr dlsslpaLlng ln volume l had noL noLlced Lhls muslc unLll lL lefL Lhe room Mrs
lauxmanLeur lefL Lhe room wlLh lL 81
sLepplng Lhrough Lo Lhe CenLral Pall WesL (l belleve) l LhoughL perhaps she mlghL be searchlng
for Lhe powder room and so l called ouL Lo her LhaL l would be happy Lo show her Lhe way AL
Lhls polnL Mellssa l suppose because of my pregnancy (everyone ls maklng much Loo much of
my condlLlon!) rose herself and moLloned for me Lo sLay seaLed Mellssa dld noL appear ln full
possesslon of her senses l musL say clearly Laken aback by LhaL LranslucenL apparlLlon of our
dear frlend lor a woman of such polse and grace she dld hurry Lo Lhe door Lo Lhe gallery
Lhrough whlch Mrs lauxmanLeur had [usL LhaL momenL passed
l recall qulLe vlvldly LhaL l smelled someLhlng blLLer ln Lhe alr could almosL LasLe lLcarrled as lL
was wlLh Lhe wlnd of LhaL swlnglng door Lo Lhe gallery
WhaLever Lhe source of LhaL flavor lL dld glve me chllls and rose Lhe hackles on Lhe nape of my
neck l had LasLed LhaL same alr ln Lhe Ccean SLar when Lhe greaL wlnd enLered our cabln
uesplLe Lhe admonlshmenL of my frlend l rose from my chalr and followed upon Mellssas
heels
Connle? l heard Mellssa call ouL
A momenL laLer l Loo sLood ln Lhe CenLral Pall WesL alongslde Mellssa
1he magnlflcenL room was empLy of all buL lLs oll palnLlngs cherry and maple benches and
some marble sculpLure from 8ome Mrs lauxmanLeur had apparenLly run Lo Lhe far end and
lefL before Mellssa had herself reached Lhe gallery
Mrs lauxmanLeur l called ouL l would be pleased Lo show you Lhe way lor she had lL
all wrong 1he nearesL LolleL was Lhrough Lhe 8anqueL Pall and off a small corrldor LhaL
connecLed Lhe Crand SLalr 1he far end of Lhe CenLral Pall WesL connecLed agaln wlLh Lhe LnLry
Pall and would only serve Lo lead her ln a clrcle 1haL ls unless by chance she had venLured
upon one of Lhe rooms many false panels one or Lwo of whlch led Lo sLorage and anoLher
LhaL offered secreL
passage beLween Lhe CenLral Pall WesL and Lhe klLchen allowlng servanLs more dlrecL access
82
durlng our enLerLalnlng now LhaL l vlewed Lhe CenLral Pall WesL ln Lhls llghLlndeed Lhe whole
house ls a verlLable warren of such false passagesl reallzed whaL opporLunlLy exlsLed for a
person Lo become brlefly losL ln lLs complexlLy
Connle! 1hls Llme Mellssas volce carrled Lhe concern LhaL already beaL ln my own hearL
?ou Lake Lhe LnLry Pall l lnsLrucLed my frlend polnLlng Lo a closed door aL Lhe end of Lhe
long gallery AL Lhe same Llme l sLepped Lo Lhe wall and pulled on Lhe servanLs cord
summonlng whoever was on duLy aL Lhls hour l had my own eye on Lhe door Lo Lhe 8anqueL
Pall bellevlng lL Lhe closesL Lo Lhe arlor and Lherefore glven LhaL llLLle Llme had elapsed Lhe
mosL llkely explanaLlon for Mrs
lauxmanLeurs qulck dlsappearance
As l pulled open Lhe door Lo Lhe 8anqueL Pall l found myself face Lo face wlLh 8rlan our day
buLler who had responded Lo my summons 8uL our Llmlng was of such colncldence LhaL l dld
[ump back and leL ouL a small scream of no lnslgnlflcance 1hls ln Lurn seL !ohn and Lhe resL of
Lhe house Lo moLlon 8y Lhe Llme l reached Lhe 8anqueL Pall and found lL empLy several oLhers
had hurrled Lo my asslsLance uoors were Lhrown open false panels Loo lL seemed LhaL Len or
more of us were lmmedlaLely engaged ln Lhe search for our Mrs lauxmanLeur
?olanda and lredrlck hurrled up Lhe Crand SLalr bellevlng Lhey had heard someone up on Lhe
second floor
1he louder we called Lhe more our volces echoed Mrs
lauxmanLeur was nowhere Lo be found l felL raLher falnL aL Lhe prospecL of her dlsappearance
and l sLumbled Loward a chalr 8rlan aL my elbow As l sank lnLo lLs needlepolnL and oak Lhe
door Lo Lhe 8anqueL Pall sagged open and l could see Lhrough Lhe CenLral Pall WesL and Lo Lhe
door of Lhe arlor
1here sLood Sukeena looklng vexed anddare l say lL?Lerrlfled She sLood by Lhe globe sLlll
slowly splnnlng She wore Lhe same red handkerchlef over her head as a scarf a long blue work
83
dress wlLh a whlLe apron her blueblack skln shlnlng ln Lhe glow of Lhe gas llghL She shook her
head aL me lefL Lo rlghL She was crylng
1hls house had clalmed a soul and Sukeena knew beLLer Lhan anyone LhaL Connle lauxmanLeur
was noL comlng back
84
1 4 m a r c h 1 9 0 9 r o s e r e d
1he pollce were much Laken aback by Lhe slze of our home
erhaps Lhey had heard Lhe rumors and were surprlsed Lo see lL for Lhemselves (l hear Lell lLs
called Lhe palace and Lhe sLaLehouse by Lhe people of SeaLLle) ln Lerms of Lhe way
Lhe oLher half llves !ohn and l are Lhe oLher half and aL leasL !ohn makes no apologles
for lL Pe was born Lo success or so he says bellevlng success a maLLer of pockeLbook cerLalnly
noL of characLer
WhaL do you make of Lhe dlsappearance? l ask over Lhe flvecourse lunch
(We lnvlLed Lhe pollcemen buL Lhey decllned Lo [oln us So we eaL ln Lhe 8anqueL Pallwhy
!ohn lnslsLed on Lhls l know noL slnce we usually dlne ln Lhe Solarlum or one of Lhe smaller
dlnlng rooms aL mldday) lL ls [usL us and four servanLs ln aLLendance (all whlLe glove of
course)
l donL belleve lL for a mlnuLe !ohn 8lmbauer replled
8uL !ohn!
no no Lllen ?ou musLnL be Laken ln by lL you see? 1he lauxmanLeur woman slmply chose
us as her whlpplng boys elecLlng Lo sLage her llLLle geLaway from our house lnsLead of her own
lLs slmply a case of a wlfe deserLlng her husband and responslblllLlesLhree chlldren can you
lmaglne?!and we are made Lo suffer for lL We are made Lo bear Lhe brunL of her
lrresponslblllLy and l for one am conslderlng brlnglng charges agalnsL Lhe woman when Lhey
caLch her And mark my word Lhey wlll caLch her
no Lhey wonL caLch her !ohn 1hey wonL even flnd her
And lf Lhey do lL shall be ln Lhls house and by now l fear Lhey shall flnd her dead
Cood Cod woman! WhaLevers goLLen lnLo you?
8ose 8ed dear husband lLs goLLen lnLo us all
1he house? ?ou donL subscrlbe Lo LhaL garbage do you?
uear soul do noL freL over Lhls do noL rlsk your condlLlon ln any 83
way l am so angry aL Lhls lauxmanLeur woman l cannoL Lell you!
?ou are dolng so well of laLe lease my dear Lllen do noL spend anoLher mlnuLe Lhlnklng
abouL lL
l wanL Lhls chlld mosL of all
Cf course As do l MosL of all
8uL l promlse you she never lefL Lhls house l added uo you remember Lhe guesLs aL Lhe
lnaugural? 1he ones who sald how qulckly Lheyd become losL ln 8ose 8ed? WhaL of LhaL?
WhaL do you make of LhaL?
?ou mean as lL relaLes Lo Mrs lauxmanLeur?
?es exacLly
l see poslLlvely no connecLlon beLween Lhe Lwo 8esldes dear woman leL us noL forgeL all of
our guesLs aL Lhe lnaugural are accounLed for
?oure maklng llghL of lL
lm noL
AL my expense
never l assure you lL was noL my lnLenLlon
CuesLs complaln of geLLlng losL and Lhen Lwo monLhs laLer one does geL losL She dlsappears
Colncldence?
l hear lL ln your volce dear uo noL Lrouble yourself over Lhls l Lell you lL ls slmply LhaL weve
been made Lo look bad by a woman who chose us and our home for her lllconcelved plans
1he chlld please do noL Lrouble yourself
1he chlld ls flne
?es buL before
8efore l was made serlously lll elLher by our soclal calendar or by exposure Lo an unforLunaLe
malady l lefL lL aL LhaL l mlghL as well have Laken ouL my bread knlfe and LhrusL lL Lhrough
hlm l know noL why l ralsed Lhls lssue agaln so long afLer wed boLh lald lL Lo resL
!ohn cleaned hls chln wlLh hls napkln and sLood aL hls end of 86
Lhe long Lable Pe dlsmlssed Lhe servanLs l felL Lhe heaL of dread and regreL l had awakened
Lhe sleeplng monsLer ln hlm Pls eyes burned wlLh dlsfavor for me
We had never dlscussed Lhls dlrecLly
AL Lhe age of elghLeen l [olned Lhe Army and remalned enllsLed for slx years l Look cerLaln
llberLles LhaL many young men of LhaL age Lake and l bear Lhe punlshmenL for Lhose llberLles
even Loday lL ls rarely wlLh me Lhls curse and l regreL Lerrlbly my mlsspenL youLh l can only
hope LhaL you can flnd lL ln your hearL Lo forglve me my pasL slns my dear 8uL l wlll noL have
my wlfe speaklng Lo me ln Lhls manner noL ever And unLll you are prepared Lo apologlze you
shall noL see me noL for meals nor soclal engagemenLs
1hough l belleved llLLle of hls explanaLlon l apologlzed Lo hlm forLhwlLh before he could leave
Lhe room and make even more of Lhls by requlrlng me Lo chase hlm down l explalned LhaL my
vlslLors dlsappearance had greaLly upseL me and LhaL l had mlsspoken [usL now 1he pollce
wanderlng Lhe house dld noLhlng Lo make me feel aL ease
1hen l shall drlve Lhem ouL !ohn sald
no dear
Cf course l shall WhaLever ls necessary Lo your conLlnued good healLh!
As l had ascerLalned back ln Afrlca Lhe helr meanL more Lo !ohn Lhan anyLhlng ln Lhls llfe
Pe sLormed ouL of Lhe 8anqueL Pall shouLlng commands aL servanLs pollce and anyone who
happened Lo be ln hls way (1he house ls busy wlLh workers day ln and day ouL as Lhe
consLrucLlon conLlnues unabaLed no one of socleLy can qulLe belleve LhaL Lhe 8lmbauer
Manslon as lLs also known ouLslde Lhese walls ls ln a consLanL and conLlnulng sLaLe of
consLrucLlon) WlLhln Len mlnuLes or so !ohn had used hls conslderable presence as well as hls
keen sense of negoLlaLlon Lo arrange for all buL Lwo pollce Lo 87
leave 8ose 8ed 1hese Lwo remalned ln Lhe hunL for Mrs
lauxmanLeur Lhough l musL confess l had already glven up hope
(noL LhaL l belleved !ohns explanaLlon for even a mlnuLe! 1he problem belng LhaL nelLher !ohn
nor l would llkely undersLand Lhe oLhers poslLlonLhus ls Lhe scourge of marrlage Lhere are
Lhose polnLs LhaL wlll never be resolved because opposlLe oplnlons cannoL resolve Lhemselves
Lhey can elLher be overlooked enLlrely or LoleraLed occaslonally respecLed Lhough lf Lrue
opposlLes even Lhls mlddle ground ls unllkely)
l Lelephoned 1lna Coleman Lo consulL her on Lhe dlsappearance and embarrassed myself by
breaklng lnLo Lears ln Lhe mlddle of our brlef dlscusslon
1lna advlsed me Lo consulL a seer ln hopes of locaLlng Mrs lauxmanLeur ln places LhaL Lhe
pollce were unllkely Lo flnd her 1hls only served Lo furLher upseL me and l ended Lhe call as
qulckly as posslble somewhaL concerned Lhe woman aL Lhe exchange may have been llsLenlng
ln a pracLlce LhaL ls rampanL Lhese days Cur famlly was always well off buL !ohn 8lmbauer can
only be sald Lo be wealLhy and as hls brlde l have experlenced flrsLhand Lhe loss of prlvacy LhaL
accompanles Lhe llfe of Lhe rlch lL seems someone ls always waLchlng always llsLenlng
wheLher a servanL a mald a drlver or Lhe publlc eople polnL aL !ohn and me as we leave Lhe
moLorcar for a dlnner or Lo aLLend a performance 1hey whlsper noL boLherlng Lo even dlsgulse
Lhelr alarm aL havlng seen us We llve under a magnlfylng glass day ln and day ouL and l flnd
Lhe overall effecL of Lhls close lnspecLlon exhausLlng
!ohn who has llved wlLh lL for so many years now seems elLher noL Lo noLlce lL or noL Lo care
Pe conducLs hlmself Lhe same way ln publlc or noLa blL brash yeL charmlng smooLh yeL
easlly aglLaLed a man who Lakes conLrol of any slLuaLlon Lhe momenL he enLers lL even parLles
Lhrown by our closesL frlends!
lL ls Lhe conslsLency ln hlm LhaL l belleve makes hlm such a formldable buslnessman 1hls sense
of power he besLows LhaL boLh men and women flnd aLLracLlve even seducLlve Lhough for
dlfferenL 88
reasons !ohn 8lmbauer enLerLalns as he frlghLens none would dare cross hlm few dare
challenge hlm
And so lL ls LhaL he musL flnd marrlage Lo me a conslderably vexlng proposlLlon
1lna suggesLed l consulL a medlum
As l hung up from LhaL call Lhe pollce collecLlng ouLslde and flnally dlsperslng some of Lhe
press l came Lo conslder her suggesLlon more LhoughLfully
lf a medlum was whaL was requlred Lhen whaL was holdlng me back?
89
1 6 m a r c h 1 9 0 9 s e a L L l e
uare l confess Lhls? (l Lhlnk l shall order Sukeena Lo desLroy you uear ulary lf l should pass aL
chlldblrLh or ln any way for LhaL maLLer for Lhe secreLs l conflde here should never reach
anoLhers eyes) l lled Lo my husband Lodayfor whaL was l belleve Lhe very flrsL Llme
(1here have been llLLle whlLe lles of courseLelllng hlm l donL mlnd hls comlng home laLe
preLendlng Lo en[oy a bedroom encounLer when ln facL lL repulsed me defendlng some acLlon
of hls Lo hls face when behlnd hls back l belleve he handled lL lncorrecLlybuL never a lle of Lhls
magnlLude!) 1hls afLernoon l Lold hlm LhaL 1lna Coleman was Laklng me shopplng for Lhe
nursery Sukeena was Lo accompany me and we were Lo reLurn home well afLer Lea as we
planned Lo Lake Lea aL Lhe hoLel or posslbly even aL Lhe bank wlLh my faLher !ohn bld me
farewell barely Laklng noLlce of my menLlon consumed as he was wlLh problems concernlng Lhe
consLrucLlon l have begged Lo add a cenLral Lower onLo 8ose 8ed !ohn has denled me l wlll
geL my way someday (lL ls Lo hold an exqulslLe sLalnedglass wlndow l ordered from an arLlsan
whlle ln London We recelved a cable earller Lhls week LhaL Lhe wlndow was puL on a shlp
bound for new ?ork and ls Lherefore on lLs way now Lo convlnce !ohn!) 1here was no
shopplng planned of course no nursery ln my mlnd 1he LruLh was LhaL my dearesL 1lna had
arranged for me Lo meeL Madame Lua Chlnese woman who ls sald Lo possess exLraordlnary
con[urlng powers And oh whaL a day!
1lna senL her carrlage aL half pasL one lnslsLlng we accepL Lhls offer as her drlver knew Lhe way
lnLo Lhe underbelly of Lhe clLy where we mlghL flnd Madame Lu !usL Lhe LhoughL of Lhls [ourney
gave me gooseflesh! Cne hears sLorles abouL Lhe Chlna dlsLrlcLLhe use of oplum ls sald Lo be
rampanL Lhe young women avallable for pennles dlsease and poverLy everywhere for Lhose
Lhe 90
rallroads lefL behlnd once Lhe laylng of rallroad Lrack reached Lhe ocean 1he Chlnese ended up
here ln SeaLLle Lens of Lhousands of Lhem wlLhouL work and desperaLe l am well aware LhaL
some of our husbands gambled hereLhaL perhaps parL of LhaL gambllng was wlLh Lhelr
panLs downand LhaL sLlll oLhers Look oplum or young boys 8uL l was compleLely unaware of
any Caucaslan women venLurlng lnLo Lhe Chlna dlsLrlcL much less Lhe llkes of 1lna Coleman
one of Lhe mosL respecLed women ln Lhe communlLy
Sure enough Lhe carrlage plcked up Sukeena and me reLurned Lo Lhe Coleman resldence
where we refreshed ourselves and Lhen Lhe four of us (1lna broughL along her mald Cwen a
Swedlsh glrl of asLonlshlng beauLy) reLurned Lo Lhe carrlage and seL ouL souLh of Lhe clLy
1he dlrL road wenL qulckly Lo a Lhlck mud as we lefL Lhe famlllar parL of Lown Lhe sLone
bulldlngs of cenLer clLy glvlng way Lo wooden shacks crowded LogeLher mud craLes and Lrash
ln evldence narrow dark lanes of mud ran beLween Lhese shacks small chlldren half naked
even ln Lhe cold raln runnlng slde by slde engaged ln games wlLh balls and sLlcks Lhelr small
yellow bodles so Lhln from hunger lumes of wood smoke rose from meLal sLoveplpes and
cooklng flres open Lo Lhe alr shelLered from Lhe raln by Larpaullns or woven bamboo lL ls a
world only mlnuLes from my own and yeL one l have never known exlsLed excepL ln places llke
LgypL and Lhe lndlas
where !ohn and l have Lraveled
My hearL was ln my LhroaL by Lhe Llme Lhe carrlage arrlved aL a LwosLory wooden bulldlng
deep ln Lhe hearL of Lhe Chlna dlsLrlcL l expecLed aL any momenL for a Chlnaman Lo leap ouL of
Lhe shadows wleldlng a doubleedged knlfe wlLh a slnlsLer curved blade (lve read of such
people ln klpllng) l expecLed our purses Lo be robbed or worse Lhe one crlme any woman
dreads above all oLhers vlolaLlon 8uL Lo my surprlse no such deed pre91
senLed lLself lnsLead Lhe drlver helped us down Lo a boardwalk whlch we crossed and we
enLered Lhe bulldlng ln quesLlon
1he alr smelled of sandalwood lncense a fragrance l recognlzed lmmedlaLely from our year
abroad 1hls flrsL room was dark llL by candle noL gas as Lhe gas llnes do noL run Lhls far souLh
lL was noL a parLlcularly sLurdy sLrucLure Lhe wlnd found lLs way Lhrough cracks movlng Lhe
small candle flames and Lhrowlng shlfLlng shadows across Lhe walls An eerle and dlsconcerLlng
envlronmenL Sukeena pulled llghLly on my elbow and shook her blueblack face back and forLh
lndlcaLlng her dlsapproval l LrusL Sukeena so much ln Lhese maLLersshe has a presclence for
anLlclpaLlng Lhe unexpecLed She sensed someLhlng wrong hereLerrlbly wrongand even l
could feel Lhls along wlLh her a dark forebodlng presence SlnlsLer and unforglvlng
Are you sure? l asked 1lna
A blL dramaLlc lsnL lL? she sald l Lell you Lllen Madame Lu ls noLhlng llke Lhls room
Lhls bulldlng l Lhlnk lL Lo be a maLLer of commerce 1he Chlnese who make up a ma[orlLy of her
cllenLele expecL amblence and she glves Lhem whaL Lhey pay for
1hey expecL someLhlng oLherworldly and Madame Lu ls only Loo happy Lo obllge l Lell you
frlend she ls noLhlng llke Lhls
?ou wlll flnd her Lo be noble lnflnlLely paLlenL and accommodaLlng Cwen was mosL Lroubled
Lhe flrsL Llme l broughL her
1he pale young beauLy nodded her agreemenL l consldered Lhe sLark conLrasL beLween her and
my Sukeenaone so pale and LranslucenL one so dark and opaque And l wondered had Lhls
lovely glrls hlrlng been 1lnas ldea or LhaL of her husband?
Many a housemald ln Lhls clLy had basLard chlldren Lo show for Lhelr servlce
8uL now she ls as comforLable as l for she Loo has meL Lhe lncomparable madame and knows
Lhere ls noLhlng Lo worry abouL 8emember dear soul LhaL Lhese seers are ofLen as much show
as Lhey are reallLy Madame Lu ls no phony lm happy Lo reporL 8uL she musL compeLe wlLh
Lhose who are and 92
LhaL compeLlLlon requlres her Lo lnvesL ln Lhe show along wlLh Lhe besL of Lhem
l heard her words buL was noL enLlrely convlnced (Sukeena l knew doubLed Lhls womans
powers from Lhe sLarL) 1hls room emanaLed a heavlness llke danger wheLher Lhe resulL of
lncense cloudlng my breaLh or Lhe shlfLlng shadows accounLlng for a cerLaln sense of dlzzlness
WhaLever Lhe case l moved my feeL forward wlLh cauLlon along wlLh a greaL deal of
exclLemenL l do confess 1hls was noL Lhe place for a woman and [usL Lhe facL LhaL l was
here fllled me wlLh a degree of Lhrlll lmposslble Lo fully explaln ln Lhese pages (1here was quleL
Lalk among Lhe women of my class LhaL a womans Llme was comlng l Lhlnk now here ln
Lhls place for Lhe flrsL Llme l fully undersLood LhaL cerLaln boundarles were soon Lo be crossed
ln facL l felL someLhlng llke a ploneer [usL comlng here) We venLured up a fllghL of complalnlng
sLalrs ensconced ln a narrow Lunnel of wood compleLely unllghLed Lo a sLark recepLlon room
where Lhe formldable Madame Lu occupled a wlcker chalr as fully as a hand occuples a glove
She was easlly Lhe slze of Lhree or four women an enormous edlflce of flesh and sllk wlLh Lwo
ebony halrplns conLalnlng a curLaln of rlch black halr LhaL mlghL have reached Lhe floor
unbrldled She had a serles of chlns LhaL cascaded down Lo Lhe upper seam of Lhe red sllk gown
and pudgy hands LhaL appeared bloaLed and lnflexlble Per volce was LhaL of a mans deep
resonanL and fllled wlLh fluld Per words bubbled from her LhroaL
lease slL She lndlcaLed Lhe floor covered only by a woven maL
l glanced aL 1lna my asLonlshmenL clearly showlng She slmply smlled back aL me folded her
legs and slowly lowered herself wlLh Lhe help of her mald (now l undersLood her lnslsLence
LhaL l brlng Sukeena along!) Sukeena helped me Lo Lhe floorhonesLly l do noL belleve l have
saL upon a floor slnce a Loddler!and 93
Lhen our Lwo malds sLepped Lo Lhe slde and sLood alongslde Lwo of Madame Lus keepers Lhln
young women who were noL yeL fully developed
?ou welcome here agaln Mlss 1lna ?ou brlng frlend
lL ls for my frlend LhaL l come CreaL Lady
lndeed
1hose beady black eyes surveyed me and l felL a heaL pulse Lhrough me as lf she had reached
lnLo me wlLh her faL hoL hands
94
l felL her robblng my secreLs as lf she had opened Lhese pages and had begun Lo read
Madame Lu commands a formldable presence As Lhe smell of lncense made me llghLheaded
and lndeed feellng somewhaL under her spell she opened an old Lln box from whlch she
removed a greaL handful of lvory whlLe bones all of Lhem small and gllsLenlng wlLh Lhe shlne of
havlng been handled a Lhousand Llmes
WhaL quesLlon you ask? she lnqulred of me ln a volce deep enough Lo be my husbands
Pow many quesLlons am l allowed?
1he blg woman rolled her eyes and clearly consulLed my dear frlend 1lna wlLh an lnsolenL
glance 1lna leaned over and whlspered LhaL as a maLLer of eLlqueLLe Lhe Chlnese wlll noL
dlrecLly dlscuss buslness arrangemenLs and LhaL Madame Lu charged for each readlng l could
ask as many quesLlons as l wlshed as long as l undersLood each readlng would cosL me an
addlLlonal flfLy cenLs l consldered lL a usurlous amounL of money buL agreed noneLheless
very well l sald Lo Lhe CreaL Lady l collecLed myself feellng somewhaL lndlgnanL abouL my
slLLlng on a maL on a floor and sald someLhlng llke ls Mrs lauxmanLeur allve?
unharmed?
Madame Lu consldered me for a long momenL sLeadled a black enamel Lable ln fronL of her
and dropped Lhe handful of bones Lhere 1hey sounded more llke sLones She regarded Lhe
unruly plle ln Lhe unfllnchlng fashlon of a dog lnspecLlng Lhe unknown a sllghL cocklng of Lhe
head lefL Lo rlghL She nodded hummed Lo herself and dug Lhrough Lhe small plle of arLlfacLs
Per volce resonaLed as she spoke Many forms Lo llfe ?es? 1hls ladys splrlL llves l deal ln
splrlL ?es? Per body? Maybe noL llve as you Lhlnk of llvlng
l shuddered Allve buL noL allve? Were such Lhlngs posslble?
93
1o my ChrlsLlan upbrlnglng Lhls reeked of paganlsm and slnful LalkbuL l had crossed over long
ago ln my prayers Cnly now was Lhe world around me caLchlng up
1he blg woman collecLed Lhe bones ln a greedy hand and deposlLed Lhem back lnLo her Lln box
one eye cauLlously on me expecLlng anoLher quesLlon l awalLed her
SomeLhlng else? she wondered
l glanced over aL 1lna noL wanLlng her Lo hear my quesLlon concernlng 8ose 8ed Could l LrusL
her? l declded l musL ls our home our house 8ose 8ed possessed of splrlLs?
1he quesLlon won 1lnas aLLenLlon She sLared aL me buL l would noL look over aL her
1he rlLual repeaLed lLself Per puffy faL flngers reached lnLo Lhe dull gray box and deposlLed a
grlp of bones Lo Lhe shlny enamel LableLop Agaln her lndex flnger prodded Lhrough Lhe plle
mlnlng lL for lnformaLlon Sukeena leL me know wlLh a slgh LhaL she clearly puL no falLh ln our
hosLess
Madame Lu sald ?ou are noL alone ln Lhls house
SplrlLs? l gasped suddenly very cold and shaken erhaps l dld noL wanL Lhe LruLh erhaps l
was noL ready for lL
A presence Madame Lu answered 1hls much l can Lell you
l dld noL wlsh Lo hear anyLhlng more A presence Why dld her conflrmaLlon carry so much
slgnlflcance wlLh me? Why dld l feel so afrald and chllled Lo Lhe bone? Worse Sukeena was
noddlng her agreemenL A presence
l wanLed ouL of Lhere l wanLed home 1haL ls unLll l reallzed LhaL home was 8ose 8ed
96
1 a p r l l 1 9 0 9 r o s e r e d
l pray wlLh all my hearL LhaL someone ls playlng a pracLlcal [oke on !ohn and me as Lhls ls Lhe
day for such Lomfoolery buL Lhe woman ln me knows beLLer for we have seen Lhls before
have we noL uear ulary? l feel nearly mad dellrlous wlLh worry
AnoLher woman has dlsappeared wlLhouL a Lrace
1hls Llme lL ls a mald by Lhe name of Laura a dear walf of a woman qulLe feLchlng ln
appearance who works ln our chambers changlng llnens housecleanlng and seelng Lo Lhe
cleanllness of our LolleLs and baLhs A colored woman llghLsklnned and so radlanL she was one
of Sukeenas closer acqualnLances on Lhe sLaff raLher a younger slsLer Lo my Afrlcan queen
When Lhe 8egenLa fellow named 1homaslnformed !ohn l LhoughL my husband mlghL
falnL an unllkely evenL for such a man as sLrong as he lLs Laura slr 1homas Lold !ohn as
Lhe Lwo of us were [usL slLLlng down Lo Lea (uonL Lhlnk l dldnL Lake noLlce of Lhe slmllarlLy ln
Lhe Llme of day!)
Laura? !ohn spuLLered
Cur chambermald l gasped
8ellevlng l lnLended Lhls for hlm !ohn snapped aL me l know who Laura ls Lllen Push!
l felL llke slapplng hlm l was so humlllaLed Cf course he knows who Laura ls !ohn has had Lhe
lasL say ln Lhe hlrlng of all Lhe servanLs and desplLe hls clalm LhaL Lhls domesLlc charge ls my
responslblllLy lL mosL decldedly ls noL
Pe blL hls llp and chewed LhoughLfully lmmersed ln some devlllsh conslderaLlon (of Lhls l have
llLLle doubL glven my lmpresslon of hls expresslon) lL was Lhen for Lhe flrsL Llme LhaL l gave
myself open Lo Lhe posslblllLy LhaL Lhls curse LhaL affllcLs us mlghL ln some way be !ohns
dolng noL mlne aL all erhaps lL ls !ohns prayers noL mlne LhaL have reached Lhe beyond
erhaps all Lhls Llme l have prayed Lo Lhe oLher slde lL has acLually been 97
my husbands volce LhaL has been heard And lf so Lhen Lo whaL end was he praylng? CerLalnly
he could mean me no harm noL before Lhe blrLhLhe posslblllLy of an helr! 1hen whaL? l
wondered And sLlll l have no answer Lhough evldence presenLs lLself Lo supporL my Lheory
for Lhls dlsappearance has vexed my husband greaLly far beyond Lhe vanlshlng of Mrs
lauxmanLeur
upon Lhe news of Lhe dlsappearance !ohn and Lhe 8egenL gaLhered all LhlrLyLhree servanLs
(Laura belng Lhe LhlrLyfourLh!) ln Lhe Crand 8allroom A hush fell over all because word Lravels
qulckly ln Lhls house belleve me (1here ls no prlvacy lefL Lo my llfeall ls known) 1he 8egenL
and Sukeena as !ohns and my personal represenLaLlves sLood forefronL Lo Lhe rows of
aLLendanLs !ohn addressed all ln a forceful dare l say frlghLened Lenor
l musL lnqulre as Lo Lhe whereabouLs of our own Laura PlrLson masLers chambermald ln
servlce Lo Mrs WaLson
Anyone wlLh lnformaLlon abouL Mlss PlrLson please sLep forward now
1homas ls a blg man possesslng a commandlng presence and wlLh a volce LhaL can carry
Lhrough walls Some of Lhe glrls were already crylng Lhough dolng Lhelr besL noL Lo show lL 1o
my surprlse a man of elghLeen or so who goes by Lhe name 8odney sLepped forward from hls
llne and replled meekly
Slr lf l may
8odney?
1he exLenL of !ohns memory never ceases Lo amaze me l do belleve he could recall each of
Lhe servanLs by name perhaps even recall Lhelr backgrounds lf requlred Lo do so l know many
buL noL all
l saw Laura laLe Lhls mornlng ln Lhe Solarlum l am noL cerLaln buL l belleve she was headed
ouL Loward Lhe Carrlage Pouse
!ohn pursed hls llps looked dlrecLly aL uanlel Lhe masLer of 98
Lhe Carrlage Pouse and Lhe Lwo exchanged a powerful look l felL for a momenL as lf a wlnd
swepL Lhrough Lhe room ls LhaL so?
!ohn paused uanlel?
l never lald eyes on her slr and l havenL lefL Lhe Carrlage Pouse all mornlng unLll Lhls
meeLlng here [usL now
uanlel and !ohn go back years uanlel havlng cared for !ohns horseflesh for nearly Lwo
decades l knew havlng no need Lo ask LhaL !ohn LrusLed uanlels oplnlon absoluLely
1he Solarlum !ohn repeaLed Lo 8odney
?es slr And lf l may say so slr her belng Lhere she seemed a blL
susplclous llke Surprlsed Lo see me you mlghL say WenL abouL an explanaLlon rlghL off Lhe
mark as lf ld asked
And l hadnL! 8uL LhaLs Laura lsnL lL? Llkes Lo wag her [aw LhaL one
A few of Lhe men nearby 8odney chuckled over Lhe mans dellberaLe dellvery !ohn saw no
reason for levlLy and squared hls shoulders soberlng Lhe enLlre sLaff
Anyone else?
no one sLepped forward
l ralsed my volce from Lhe slde lLs raLher lmporLanL Lo say Lhe leasL
lease lf any of you aL all has seen her l caughL an expresslon ln Llndas faceLlnda who ls
asslsLanL Lo Mrs uanby and one of Lauras dorm maLes l belleve Lhe Lwo close Lhough l have
llLLle Lo supporL LhaL bellef Per eyes wldened
l LhoughL l saw her hand llfL lf noL lmpercepLlbly
Llnda? l asked
?es maam? A Lenslon ln her volce
Were you Lo say someLhlng?
A qulck glance Loward me and Lhen !ohn no maam
!usL now l LhoughL
no maam
!ohn puL me back Lo sllence wlLh one scaldlng look 1hls was hls summons of Lhe sLaff noL my
own Pe dlvlded up Lhe group 99
and lnsLrucLed Lhem where Lo search 8y hls calculaLlon Lhe LhlrLyLhree sLaff could coordlnaLe
Lo conducL a Lhorough search of premlsesevery closeL armolre sLorage room sLeamer
LrunkwlLhln an hour Lo an hour and a half 1wo hours aL mosL (lL was Lhere and Lhen seelng
Lhls army assembled before us and reallzlng Lhls search would sLlll accounL for a conslderable
amounL of Llme LhaL l came Lo grasp Lhe enormlLy of Lhls house LhaL was sLlll under
consLrucLlona house LhaL even l Lhe maLron had losL Lrack of 8y way of example Lhere ls a
new wlng of Lhe Lhlrd floor open compleLed and decoraLed over Lhree weeks ago now LhaL l
have yeL Lo see for Lhe flrsL Llme)
As Lhe sLaff was dlsmlssed and Lhe search began my dear !ohn showlng a color of pale l had
never wlLnessed l endeavored Lo locaLe Sukeena and Lo requesL she ln Lurn flnd Llnda and
brlng her Lo me ln my chambers
8uL Lhe search maam Sukeena sald ln her kenyan slngsong her eyes wlde wlLh
apprehenslon She sounds 8rlLlsh aL Llmes MlsLer !ohn
never mlnd !ohn l lnsLrucLed l wlsh Lo Lalk wlLh Llnda lmmedlaLely
very well maam Sukeena replled her deLermlnaLlon Lo follow my requesL apparenL Cne
of Sukeenas many wonderful aLLrlbuLes ls her ablllLy Lo remaln calm and conslsLenL
8egardless of generaLlon Afrlcans are qulLe glfLed ln Lhls regard able Lo leave Lhe pasL
behlndan argumenL dlsagreemenL or oLher dlfflculLywlLhouL Lhe sllghLesL LlmldlLy as lf lL
had never occurred
(uesplLe Mr Llncolns lnLenLlons and LhaL awful Clvll War Lhrough whlch our parenLs llved and
many foughL l do noL belleve Lhe slavesnearly all of Lhem Afrlcan by descenLhave been
provlded Lhe opporLunlLy Lo advance soclally as once clalmed lndeed l belleve LhaL hlsLory wlll
record Mr Llncolns aLLlLudes a resulL of pollLlcal pressures raLher Lhan phllanLhroplc lnLenLlon
1he freemen seem rarely beLLer off ofLen unem100
ployed forbldden Lo buy land and dlsassoclaLed wlLh reglons where Lhey llved for generaLlons
1here ls prlvaLe Lalk among Lhe women of Lhls clLy who speak of suffrage LhaL Lhe negro has as
much lf noL more clalm Lo flghL for personal freedoms Lhan does Lhe Amerlcan woman!) As Lo
Lhe momenL Sukeena hurrled off and lL wasnL Len mlnuLes before l reLlred Lo my chambers ln
Lhe WesL Wlng Lo dlscover boLh Sukeena and Llnda Lhere walLlng
As l requesLed a Lremulous Llnda Lo slL Sukeena reLreaLed Loward Lhe doorshe never
presumes anoLher of her lovely quallLlesand l bld her Lo remaln wlLh us l Lhen Look a chalr ln
fronL of dear Llnda clasped my cold hands ln her own and we spoke
uear glrl whaL was lL you wlshed Lo say Lo me [usL now?
noLhlng maam
now now dear chlld we boLh know you nearly spoke up l saw lL ln your eyes lf you know
someLhlng abouL Lauras whereabouLs l cannoL Lell you how lmporLanL Lhls ls A maLLer of
llfe and deaLh perhaps We cannoL forgeL our dear Mrs
lauxmanLeurs lll faLe now can we?
1he frlghLened Lhlng looked flrsL Lo Sukeena Lhen Lo me and her eyes Leared
Co ahead chlld no harm wlll come Lo you
l lL lL ls as 8odney sald
1he Solarlum
She nodded llp qulverlng head lowered
lLs all rlghL chlld
no maam she whlspered
l looked Lo Sukeena and her lnflnlLe paLlence and undersLandlng Sukeena sLudled Lhe chlld for
several long seconds and she sald ?ou saw Mlss Laura ln Lhe Solarlum?
Llnda shook her head no
Leavlng Lhe house Sukeena sald l knew from much dlscusslon LhaL Sukeena belleved Mrs
lauxmanLeur had never lefL Lhe house as pollce had speculaLed and conLlnued Lo belleve
101
Llnda nodded falnLly
Sukeena asked Pow she dressed?
1he glrl looked up wlLh weL saddened eyes
l sald A wrap? Was she prepared for Lhe ouLslde? lL has been cold of laLe ocean sLorms
from Lhe norLh noL Lerrlbly unusual for Lhls Llme of year
1he glrl shook her head
Sukeena sald 1he Carrlage Pouse
l felL a shlver recalllng my husbands quesLlonlng of uanlel and Lhe fraLernlLy of Lhese
Lwo men WhaL were Lhey hldlng?
Llndas eyes wldened She blL down on her llps and sprang from Lhe chalr removlng herself so
qulckly from my rooms LhaL one could lmaglne she had never been slLLlng Lhere before us
Ch my l sLuLLered
1hls have Lo do wlLh hlm maam
uanlel? l asked Lhough ln facL l knew Lo whom she dld refer
no maam Sukeena sald her black eyes borlng lnLo me
Plm she repeaLed
8ose 8ed was lndeed Lhoroughly searched Lop Lo boLLom Cellar Lo aLLlc
Wlng Lo wlng lloorboard Lo chlmney l felL a desperaLlon ln !ohn wlLh each furLher aLLempL Pe
Look a keen lnLeresL ln Lauras dlsappearance more so l musL say Lhan wlLh LhaL of our dear
Mrs lauxmanLeur erhaps lL ls Lhe repeLlLlon of Lhe evenL LhaL so vexes hlm (l prefer Lhls
posslblllLy Lo Lhe oLher more llkely conslderaLlon LhaL now occuples my every LhoughL!) Pe
became personally possessed wlLh flndlng Lhls glrl requesLlng Lhe 8egenL Lo reasslgn Lhe sLaff
Lo dlfferenL locaLlons and conducL Lhe search agaln AL Lhe same Llme he puL hls hunLlng dogs
lnLo Lhe woods behlnd Lhe manor ln search of Lhls glrls scenLa plece of undercloLhlng was
dellvered from Lhe dorms We are now some slx hours lnLo searchlng and sLlll no slgn of our
sweeL Laura
102
WhaL Lroubles me mosL ls !ohns declslon only momenLs ago Lo noL lnform Lhe pollce WlLh
bloodshoL eyes gray skln and an eerle calm sLlllness Lo hls volce my husband sald ServanLs
run away all Lhe Llme
noL from Lhls house Lhey donL l sald Weve never had one leave ?ou pay Lhe besL ln
Lhe clLy !ohn
1heres always a flrsL
8uL whaL of her possesslons? Per cloLhlng? noLhlng was Laken noLhlng so much as
dlsLurbed! Who leaves ln Lhls manner?
lL could lnvolve some young boy on Lhe sLaff dear woman
Some hearLbreak ?ou know how chlldren are
Laura was no chlld !ohn She ls barely Lhree years my [unlor
A young man 8omance A broken hearL lll gamble
8uL noL Lo lnvolve Lhe pollce?
1here ls our sLandlng Lo conslder my dear Cur poslLlon ln socleLy 1he pollce Lwlce ln Lhe
same year? uo you Lhlnk we would survlve such a scandal?
lf we Lalk of survlval !ohn should lL noL be Lauras whereabouLs LhaL concern us raLher Lhan
Lhe vlle Longues of Lhls Lown?
l can conLrol Lhe Longues 1hey wlll noL wag Lo our dlsfavor
Pow can you be so sure? Already Lhere ls Lhe dlfference ln our age ?ou know qulLe well LhaL
people Lalk of LhlsLhey glve us llLLle chance of en[oylng our years LogeLher
We have endured much ln our flrsL year l leL my words hang ln Lhe alr where he could LasLe
Lhem We shall prevall even lf Laura ls never found
uonL say such a Lhlng! he sald looklng nearly dead hlmself
!ohn?
WhaL ls lL abouL Lhls house?
lL has noLhlng Lo do wlLh Lhls house Colncldence ls all l sald SecreLly l dld noL belleve a
word of my own explanaLlon l 103
belleved elLher my husband responslble or LhaL Lhe Lwo dlsappearances were somehow relaLed
Lo Lhe chlld l carrled ln my womb lear kepL me from examlnlng my husbands posslble role so
l focused on Lhe laLLer posslblllLy Sacrlflces My prayers Lo Lhe dark slde were belng answered
buL l had yeL Lo undersLand Lhe language belng spoken rlvaLely l wondered lf anoLher vlslL Lo
Madame Lu was ln order Cr conversely had my recenL vlslL wlLh Lhe CreaL Lady been heard?
Cne Lhlng ls for cerLaln prayer ls a powerful weapon and when wlshlng ones husband lll wlll
one musL be Lerrlbly careful
Colncldence? he scoffed SplLLle flew from hls llps as he hollered aL me
She was rlghL here and now she ls gone
l have never felL so calm l spoke wlLh reserve 8lghL where !ohn? uld you see her yourself
Loday?
My words flusLered hlm WhaL!? he barked soundlng llke one of hls hounds WhaL
klnd of accusaLlon ls LhaL?
l accuse you of noLhlng CbservaLlon ls all l asked merely lf you had seen Lhe poor woman
yourself?
And lf l had? he roared
A quesLlon ls all
And you so calm so collecLed WhaL of you Lllen? uld you noL see Laura Loday? Pls large
head [erked lefL Lo rlghL and l LhoughL lL mlghL sever from hls body She ls employed ln Lhls
very wlng Cur chambers She ls pracLlcally underfooL Lhls woman AL our call day and nlghL
She serves us boLh equally
Ch uear ulary Lhe look ln hls eyes! 1he Lerror Lhls man felL
1he gullL A woman knows A wlfe beLLer Lhan anyone AL our call day and nlghL l for one
have noL once called Laura Lo my rooms ln Lhe nlghL
Sukeena of coursemore Llmes Lhan l can counL 8uL llLLle Laura? l barely knew she exlsLed
excepL Lo noLe her unusual beauLy 1he LranslucenL skln 1he noble nose l reallze now LhaL my
husband dld noL overlook Lhls beauLy elLher and l made a polnL of lL
104
A feLchlng glrl wasnL she !ohn?
?ou speak of her ln Lhe pasL?
l speak of her looks So lnnocenL So young and feLchlng l sald Cr maybe noL so
lnnocenL Looks can be decelvlng
l saw pure panlc ln my husbands eyes 1here lL was done WeboLh knew
erhaps l wlll have an accldenL erhaps l shall call upon Sukeena Lo mlx her herbs for me
and dlslodge Lhe fuLure helr from where lL lles curled lnslde me
1hls ls Lhe only Lrue punlshmenL l can concelve for hlm AccldenL LhaL lL may be Lauras
dlsappearance ls noL enLlrely lnnocenL l wlll noL ask Sukeena lf she knows whaL happened Lo
Lhe glrl lf she Sukeena ls proLecLlng me erhaps Laura dld leave 8ose 8ed of her own accord
erhaps Sukeena lnLervened and senL Lhe glrl packlng wlLhouL so much as a vlslL Lo her
dormlLory Lo reLrleve her belonglngs
lncreaslngly l am convlnced LhaL my dear handmald has powers far beyond lnslghL and herbs
She ls presclenL and clalrvoyanL and somehow dlvlnes Lhe LhoughLs of oLhers l do noL ask
because l do noL wlsh Lo know lf lnnocenL Laura was noL so lnnocenL Lhen her deparLure ln any
form ls welcome l have sald so ln my prayers before Curse Lhe woman who Lakes my
husband
for her own l shall repeaL lL agaln LonlghL as l reLlre as l do each and every nlghL lf Sukeena
has perhaps overheard Lhls prayer Lhrough her subsLanLlal powers or a sllp of my own Longue
lf she ls conLrolllng my desLlny ln some mannerproLecLlng meLhen who am l Lo complaln?
Who am l Lo lnqulre? Laura has lefL us
1he pollce are noL Lo know Many a laLch wlll be locked ln Lhls house LonlghL
Many a quesLlon remalns
103
9 s e p L e m b e r 1 9 0 9 r o s e r e d l wrlLe wlLh weak hand buL l wlll noL be denled Lhe
opporLunlLy of recordlng Lhe mosL lmporLanL day ln my brlef llfe
Lleven hours ago ln Lhe wee hours of Lhe mornlng l gave blrLh Lo a son
l have called hlm Adam for he ls Lhe flrsL l am Lold by Lhe women who aLLended me LhaL lL was
an easy blrLh 1hree hours of labor and a swlfL dellvery
8uL lf LhaL was easy l never hope Lo experlence oLherwlse! l have never felL such paln have
never experlenced LhaL parL of my body LhaL ls only a womans ln such a way LhaL l dld noL
know myself aL all Muscles and cramps and conLracLlons ln and ouL of consclousness screams
of paln crles of [oy and Lhen LhaL damp plnk creaLure lald aLop my bosom and already movlng
for my breasL some prlmeval lnsLlncL overcomlng hlm before Lhe cord was even cuL from our
connecLlon
Pe now lles swaddled ln Lhe flnesL llnens ln a basslneL alongslde my bed hls small blue eyes
closed ln peaceful sleep hls Llny hands clenched LlghLly as lf deep ln LhoughL Ch whaL a
Lreasure! WhaL [oy! lm Lold 8ose 8ed ls abuzz wlLh [oy LhaL all Lhe servanLs are smlllng and Lhe
masLer has been heard slnglng from hls rooms and has Lwlce ordered champagne Lo hls
chambers A son! When Adam had been dellvered hls faLher klssed me as Lenderly as l can ever
remember Pe Lhanked me wlLh Lears flowlng from hls eyes and promlsed meusa llfe of [oy
and prosperlLy and LhaL as a famllya famlly! he roaredwe should never know paln loss
or sadness (Pe musL have been drunk even Lhen buL hls llLLle speech broughL me Lo Lears [usL
Lhe same) Sukeena acLed as mldwlfe saL by my slde Lhrough Lhe long nlghL of warnlngs as
she called Lhe early cramplng Lhe early mornlng hours of severe paln and lL was lnLo her sure
hands LhaL l pushed for Lhe lasL Llme and felL LhaL rellef LhaL ls only a chlldbearlng womans
My nlne long monLhs were done lor Lhls alone l would have celebraLed
106
now l conLend wlLh mllk bubbllng from my breasLs a dlscharge from beLween my legs LhaL
Sukeena assures me ls normal and an abundance of unnaLural amounLs of skln where my
sLomach should be l am noL hungry and yeL l am sLarved l drlnk Lhe coldesL waLer Lhey can
brlng me and ln amounLs l would noL have LhoughL posslble l sleep for hours aL a Llme lm
Lold and yeL lL feels llke only mlnuLes All Lhls ls so new So much a mlracle l look down aL hls
peaceful face and marvel LhaL he was lnslde me wlLhouL alr less Lhan a day earller 1hls llLLle
boy Lhls breaLhlng creaLure 1hls 8lmbauer
l heard muslc from Lhe general dlrecLlon of Lhe servanLs
quarLers and Sukeena Lells me Lhere ls much celebraLlonfood and danclngln LhaL parL of
Lhe house !ohn has provlded Lhe sLaff splrlLs and wlne
1here ls much revelry on my accounL (l fear 8ose 8ed wlll barely operaLe Lomorrow glven Lhe
condlLlon of our sLaff LonlghL buL no maLLer) Word has spread qulckly around socleLy 1lna
Colemans coach dellvered a card requesLlng a vlslL and l fear l shall be much besleged wlLh
such lnqulrles
l have asked Sukeena Lo prepare a baLh and for my glrls Lo asslsL me ln washlng my halr buL
she Lells me lL ls Loo soon A sponge baLh ls all she wlll allow me unLll my recovery ls beLLer
conLalned
My halr may be washed Lhough ln a bowl ln Lhe mornlng we shall make Lhe mosL of me we
can
LlLLle Adam ls so preclous When he drlnks of me l feel so good so bursLlng wlLh happlness
LhaL l wanL Lo laugh for no reason aL all Pls hunger comes as greaL rellef as my bosom nearly
bursLs aL Llmes wlLh moLhers mllk Already we have found a rhyLhm of sleep and feedlng and
sleep agaln Pe has noL relleved hlmself and Sukeena walLs for Lhls evenL as anxlously as l dld
my dellvery l donL belleve she has slepL ln Lhe lasL Lwo days always by my slde when l wake
always holdlng my hand as l sllp back off Lo sleep WhaL a dear frlend she has become Pow dld
l ever exlsL wlLhouL her as a slsLer? 1hose hands of hers lnslde me ensurlng 107
a proper dellvery So genLle so klnd So careful and undersLandlng of my paln Some day
perhaps l shall dare Lo ask for Lhe deLalls buL noL now now l drlfL ln and ouL of sleep Adam aL
my breasL ln Lhe basslneL aL my breasL Sukeenas blueblack face glowlng ln Lhe gas flame l
see love ln her eyes l feel her love l see hope and goodness l shall remember Lhls day
foreverLhe passlng of llfe from llfe generaLlon Lo generaLlon My husband ls back ln Lhe hall
ouLslde my rooms Pe ls shouLlng l have a son!
l have a son! 1here ls [oy ln Lhls house aL lasL l only can hope and pray LhaL lL wlll lasL
108
2 3 s e p L e m b e r 1 9 0 9 r o s e r e d Cood Cod ln Peaven l fear Lhls house has a mlnd of lLs
own
lor Lhe pasL Lwo weeks l have sLrolled wlLh Adam and Sukeena down Lhe long halls of Lhls grand
house [usL Loday revlslLlng Lhe LasL Wlng an area l feel l have scarcely seen before Pere ls
locaLed Lhe Crand 8allroom lasL used durlng Lhe lnaugural buL kepL wonderfully fresh and
whlLeglove clean by our dedlcaLed sLaff
l can sLlll see Lhe danclng hear Lhe orchesLra (Lhankfully l cannoL smell Lhe llquor for
slnce Adams blrLh my senses are severely helghLenedl can hear aL greaL dlsLances and
deLecL my husbands clgar from opposlLe ends of Lhls enormous 8ose 8ed) recall Lhe dashlng
band leader and l am able Lo envlslon Lhe womens gowns ln all Lhelr glory Whlle Sukeena
held Adam l sLrolled Lhe greaL room rellvlng LhaL wonderful parLy and beglnnlng Lo anLlclpaLe
Lhe second of lLs klnd now only a few monLhs off lull preparaLlons wlll begln ln [usL a week or
Lwo as l wlll organlze Lhe sLaff and we wlll begln Lo concelve decoraLlons enLerLalnmenL
culslne lnvlLaLlons and all Lhe deLalls LhaL musL be aLLended Lo prlor Lo Lhls !anuary Lhe
flfLeenLh 1hls was ln facL Lhe basls for my vlslL Loday Lo geL a feel for Lhe room agaln Lhe
walnuLpaneled walls of Lhe hallway leadlng Lo Lhe 8allroom Lhe grand oll palnLlngsporLralLs
and landscapesLhaL !ohn and l purchased ln arls and London whlle on honeymoon l would
llke freshcuL flowers ln Lhe MedlLerranean urns and Lhls wlll requlre our gardeners Lo work
monLhs ahead as Lhe only flowers avallable wlll be forced bulbs and l shall wanL Lhem ln
quanLlLles of many hundreds (1hls cllmaLe seems especlally favorable Lo bulbs and l can
foresee Lhe day when farmers ralse greaL quanLlLles of Lhem l have already encouraged !ohn Lo
buy and clear land norLh of Lhe clLy for Lhls purpose and he ls conslderlng worklng a deal wlLh
Lhe lumber barons Lo Lake over Lhe ground 109
Lhey clearcuL as Lhls ground ls vlrLually worLhless Lo Lhem once Lhe Lrees have been Laken)
AfLer walklng Lhls wonderful room several Llmes and explalnlng aloud Lo Adam where l
envlsloned Lhe drlnks Lhe seaLlng and Lhe enLerLalnmenL Sukeena and l (and Adam ln
Sukeenas arms) lefL Lhe greaL room and reenLered Lhe lmpresslve hall of Lhe LasL Wlng
1haL l falnLed and Sukeena screamed ls Lhe only reason Adam remalns unhurL for lf l had been
holdlng hlm he would have fallen wlLh me
1here aL Lhe end of Lhe hall [usL prlor Lo Lhe Lop of Lhe sLalrcase sLood lovely Laura our
mlsslng housemald Mlsslng Lhese many monLhs! Per blouse hung open parLlally exposlng her
bare breasLs and dark skln Per sklrL was mlsslng alLogeLher her ruffled undercloLhes unLled
and hanglng open aL Lhe [uncLlon of her legs her womanhood exposed as l lmaglne some
sLreeL whore presenLlng herself
She looked so Lerrlbly saddeneda woman recenLly ravagedher halr Lousled and her skln
bloLchy l dld noL hear her volce buL l saw her llps move and undersLood clearly her words
noneLheless My sklrL she sald looklng aL me and Lhen down aL herself and maklng Lhe
moLlons as lf Lylng lL back around herself So paLheLlc So ghasLly!
lL was Lhen l losL consclousness and fell Lo Lhe floor 1hen LhaL Sukeena screamedless from
fear Lhan lL was calllng for someone Lo help me 8y Lhe Llme l regalned my sLrengLh Laura was
gone
LosL Lo Lhls houseor Laken by lLas she had been before
Leavlng young Adam wlLh a chambermald behlnd locked doors l venLured ouLslde of
8ose 8ed Lhls evenlng for Lhe flrsL Llme slnce Lhe blrLh !ohn had gone off on buslness
whlch meanL downLown elLher Lo a poker game Lo a buslness dlnner or Lo places l had no
deslre Lo Lhlnk abouL WlLh Sukeena aL my slde we sLruck ouL for advenLure followlng a Lraln of
loglc so easlly seen lf 110
Laura had lndeed been spoLLed ln Lhe Carrlage Pouse and lf she was now mlsslng her sklrL
Lhen whaL were Lhe chances Sukeena and l mlghL flnd Lhls plece of evldence and help Lhe poor
creaLure? erhaps lL was LhaL sklrL and LhaL sklrL only LhaL kepL her locked ln Lhe neLherworld
ln whlch we had wlLnessed her (lor l swear lL was so LhaL woman aL Lhe end of Lhe hall was a
ghosL noL any klnd of flesh and blood uo noL ask me how Lhls ls posslble for l know noL 8uL lL
ls wlLh absoluLe cerLalnLy LhaL l wrlLe Lhls!) l musL confess Lo feellng a blL llke a Leenager my
hearL ln my LhroaL as Sukeena and l elecLed Lo flee unseen from Lhe WesL Wlng vla Lhe narrow
servanLs sLalrcase LhaL deposlLed on Lhe ground floor beLween Lhe arlor and Lhe CenLral Pall
WesL
lrom Lhere wlLh Sukeena as lookouL we crossed Lo Lhe Cun 8oom ouL Lo Lhe exLerlor hall
beLween Lhe 1apesLry Callery and Lhe sLrucLural souLh wall and down a long sLone corrldor
and Lhrough a door Lo Lhe splral sLalrs LhaL access Lhe wesL end of Lhe WesL Wlng off !ohns
chambers (l swear he uses Lhls hldden sLalrwell Lo enLer and leave Lhe house wlLhouL my
knowledge) We passed Lhrough Lhe 8owllng Alley Lo Lhe swlmmlng pool and around Lhe pool
Lo Lhe easL doors LhaL face 8ose 8eds rear gardens Sukeena ls capable of movlng wlLhouL any
sound
My Afrlcan queen seems Lo floaL above Lhe sLone move fluldly around corners and remaln
unseen almosL lnvlslble upon reachlng Lhe garden we boLh sLopped Lo caLch our breaLhs (me
far more Lhan her) and walLed for our eyes Lo ad[usL Lo Lhe darkness Ch my buL my chesL hurL
wlLh Lhe Lenslon! Cur ears clouded wlLh Lhe sound of Lhe founLaln only a maLLer of yards
awaydlrecLly beLween us and Lhe Carrlage Pousewe remalned ln shadow along Lhe wall of
Lhe ool Pouse well off Lhe perfecLly lald sLone paLhs elecLlng a clrculLous rouLe Lhrough Lhe
planLs shrubs and flowers
lll have aL lL laLer! came a male volce l dld noL recognlze
Cne of Lhe Carrlage Pouse sLaff no doubL preparlng elLher Lo 111
leave Lhe properLy for a beer or Lo reLlre Lo one of Lhe dormlLorles we provlde
Sukeena and l had chosen our Llmlng carefully as Lhe Carrlage Pouse sLaff ls usually dlsmlssed
and done for Lhe day an hour or so afLer Lhe reLurn of Lhe lasL horse or Leam !ohn havlng Laken
Lhe moLorcar Lo hls buslness lL followed LhaL Lhe Carrlage Pouse would be quleL for Lhe
nlghL (alLhough !ohn does park Lhe moLorcar ln a modlfled sLall ln Lhe Carrlage Pouse and
would be reLurnlng aL a laLer hour) l assumed LhaL uanlel as head of Lhe Carrlage Pouse
would make hlmself avallable upon my husbands reLurn buL Sukeena had lL on good reporL
LhaL uanlel
had a game of dlce planned aL Lhls same hour sald Lo be under way ln Lhe skeeL room of Lhe
basemenLa room deslgned Lo launch Lhe clay plgeons for skeeL shooLlng from Lhe Loggla on
Lhe norLh slde of Lhe ground floor [usL off Lhe 8llllard 8oom lf Lrue uanlel would be hard
pressed Lo flnd hlmself any farLher away from Lhe Carrlage Pouse and sLlll be on Lhe properLy
1haL sald l LhoughL lL ln Lhe mans naLure Lo have a young scouL placed somewhere abouL
keeplng an eye ouL for Lhe masLers premaLure reLurn
robably a son of one of hls workerssomeone pald by a plece of sausage or a few colns for hls
Llme lL was Lhls scouL LhaL Sukeena and l soughL Lo avold
We seLLled ln Lhe shadow of a wellkepL rhododendron on Lhe norLhwesL corner of Lhe garden
only a plece of Lhe rose garden beLween Lhe founLaln and our hldlng spoL ulrecLly across from
us was Lhe dark loomlng sLrucLure of Lhe Carrlage Pouse now all buL quleL glven lLs four
legged resldenLs (1he pool Lhe wesL wall of Lhe house and Lhe Carrlage Pouse comblne Lo
form an enormous courLyard Lhe only escape from Lhe wesL where we were now flrmly
enLrenched) We walLed for whaL felL llke an eLernlLy my muscles complalnlng from Lhe
chlldblrLh l had performed Sukeena as sLlll as a black rock When we ascerLalned LhaL all human
volce was gone from Lhe place we sneaked ahead and 112
rushed across a small clearlng of mowed grass maklng for Lhe Carrlage Pouses wesL
enLrancelLs only enLrance enLlrely screened from Lhe resL of Lhe house lf we were Lo
confronL anyone lL would be someone lnslde Lhe Carrlage Pouse (l had several raLher clever
excuses for Lhe Lwo of us showlng up aL Lhe Carrlage Pouse unannounced llke Lhls and even
one or Lwo LhaL mlghL help cover LhaL facL so my husband would noL flnd ouL As lL Lurned ouL
we dldnL need Lhem
AL leasL noL rlghL away ) Sukeena led Lhe way across Lhe shorL open space and lnLo Lhe
shadow of Lhe Carrlage Pouse l Lell you my hearL felL ready Lo bursL as l ducked and hurrled
Lhrough Lhe garden and ouL across Lhe shorL expanse of crushed sLone drlveway LhaL accessed
Lhe Carrlage Pouse We pressed our Lrembllng bodles up Lo Lhe bulldlngs cool wall and Lrled Lo
caLch our breaLh l glanced aL Sukeena and nearly bursL ouL laughlng l was so nervous She
remalned sLolc and lmpasslvehard Lo read l donL know lf she en[oyed lL half as much as l
erhaps she feared loslng her [oband lL was only Lhen l saw Lhe dlfflculL poslLlon l had puL her
ln
She would noL refuse menoL ever lm sure of lLand l had placed her ln Lhe awkward
poslLlon of leadlng me lnLo Lhe mouLh of Lhe llon (lL ls noL LhaL l am forbldden Lo vlslL Lhe
Carrlage Pouse buL Lo search lL for a womans mlsslng garmenL ls anoLher maLLer enLlrely!)
AfLer a momenL of collecLlng our courage LogeLher Sukeena and l calmly Lurned and enLered
Lhrough Lhe masslve open doors aL Lhe wesL end of Lhe Carrlage Pouse as lf we had noL a care
ln Lhe world 1he doors had been lefL open presumably Lo allow for Lhe reLurn of !ohns
moLorcar laLer Lhls same nlghL lL afforded us easy access as we sLepped onLo Lhe wlde
redwood planks a dusLlng of sLraw beneaLh our feeL Lhe gorgeous Carrlage Pouse flooded ln
dlm elecLrlc llghL noL a soul ln slghL l have always loved Lhe smell of horses and enLerlng Lhe
Carrlage
Pouse broughL me back Lo my chlldhood 1he sLall doors are made of wroughL lron 113
and carved redwood and operaLe nearly soundlessly (uanlel ls Lhe flnesL sLable masLer ln Lhe
sLaLe by some accounLs) lL ls a LwosLory barn Lhe boLLom occupled by horse sLalls room for
several carrlages a Lack room and a saddle room and uanlels offlce 1he upsLalrs lofL ls
prlmarlly for sLraw and hay sLorage Lhough several large rooms were consLrucLed here for cold
sLorage as well l assumed mosL of Lhese Lo be empLy as we had occupled 8ose 8ed for less
Lhan a year and Lhese rooms were lnLended for
overflow sLorage (Mlnd you l canL lmaglne ever runnlng ouL of basemenL sLorage ln 8ose
8edlLs Lhe slze of a school playlng fleld) Sukeena and l sLopped many Llmes Lrylng Lo
dlscern Lhe sounds and Lo separaLe man from anlmal 1hankfully we heard no one and so
conLlnued lnLo Lhe depLhs of Lhls large barn l wlll admlL here where l share my lnnermosL
secreLs LhaL l was lmaglnlng Lhe worsL lf Laura was mlsslng her sklrL l feared a man
responslble need l say more? l feared uanlels parLlclpaLlon ln Lhls maLLerhls alleglance Lo
my husband ls unquesLlonable l dld noL forgeL uanlels dlsclalmer concernlng Laura made ln
fronL of all Lhe sLaff Pe had noL seen Lauraor so he sald
We passed sLall afLer sLall of some of Lhe flnesL horses ln Lhls parL of Lhe counLry SummerLlme
and 8ex are my favorlLes for l helped buy Lhem buL all Lhe horses here are exLremely rldable
and eleganL examples of Lhelr breeds !ohn knows hls horseflesh

ln Lhe mlddle of Lhe bulldlng we found Lhe Lack room and Lhe saddle room locked up LlghLly
ulsappolnLed we conLlnued on
uanlels offlce was locked as well We moved sllenLly down Lhe cenLer hall Sukeena careful Lo
check behlnd us every few seconds looklng back Loward Lhose wlde open doors aL Lhe wesL
end fearlng someone mlghL flnd us ouL and beg an explanaLlon 1he sLalls were blgger ln Lhls
easL end of Lhe Carrlage Pouse large slldlng doors accesslng one carrlage afLer anoLherslx ln
all Lhree Lo a slde 1he flrsL Lwo were ornamenLal carrlagesone a slnglepull 114
Lhe oLher lnLended for a palr We peered lnslde Lhrough Lhe wroughL lron
1he pony carrlage and Lhe slelgh were nexL followed by Lwo large hay wagons Lhe lasL of whlch
was rlgged Lo hold a flreflghLlng pump lf ever needed
l can offer no explanaLlon for why Sukeena sLopped ln fronL of Lhe door Lo Lhe second Lo lasL
sLorage area no reason for her chooslng Lhe hay wagon excepL Lo say LhaL she ls a woman of
uncanny percepLlons an almosL maglcal ablllLy Lo see
beyond where we mere morLals see She sLopped Lhere as lf sLrlklng an lnvlslble wall her head
angled on her shoulders ln a mosL unusual way her eyes locked lnLenLly on Lhe darkness
beyond LhaL door ls here mlss she whlspered ln a nervegrlndlng monoLone she elecLs
for only Lhe mosL dlre of dlscusslons 1haL Lone alone won my full aLLenLlon
Sukeena?
l Lhlnk we look here 1hls place here
All rlghL
l helped her Lo roll Lhe large door open on lLs Lracks
lnLended Lo double as breedlng sLalls Lhese easL sLalls are subsLanLlally larger Lhan Lhose on Lhe
wesL end of Lhe Carrlage Pouse
Cne learns noL Lo quesLlon a slsLers lnsLlncLs and l had absoluLely no lnLenLlon of engaglng my
dear Sukeena ln any such debaLe 1he door opened nearly sllenLly and we sLood faclng a hay
wagon LhaL l knew well for lL was of senLlmenLal value Lo !ohn havlng been ln hls famlly many
years l found myself Lransflxed by Lhe reallzaLlon LhaL Lhls was also Lhe wagon LhaL had been
drlven by Mr Corbln Lhe day he shoL and kllled Lhe foreman lL sLlll carrled bloodsLalns from
LhaL gruesome evenL l shuddered as Lhe door ran on lLs Lrack agaln and Sukeena pulled lL shuL
behlnd us Cnly Lhe small vlewlng wlndow barred by wroughL lron communlcaLed Lo Lhe
sLables cenLral alsle l wanLed ouL l wanLed Lo run from Lhere !ohn spoke of Lhls wagon
ofLenlL seemed many a chlldhood evenL surrounded Lhe carL lncludlng 113
Lhe flrsL few dollars he ever earned won from a nelghbor for haullng away refuse ( !ohn
enLerLalned dlnner guesLs wlLh Lhe sLory of how hed sLarLed ouL as a garbage collecLor and
ended up an oll Lycoon!)
Sukeena moved closely around Lhe wagon as lf lL possessed some power over her She Louched
lL closed her eyes and l saw Lhe halr on her arms sLand on end as lf shed Lhrown a wlndow
open Lo Lhe cold When her eyes reopened flxed now on me lnsLead l felL a wave of fear flush
Lhrough me Lo my Loes
WhaL? l gasped
We ln Lhe rlghL place Mlss Lllen was all she sald Movlng around Lhe wagon she came Lo
Lhe back where one could load or unload lLs flaLbed She lald her wlde black hand down onLo
Lhe neaLly flLLed planks Lhere and l belleve for a momenL Lhe enLlre wagon Lrembled beneaLh
her Louch Per face broke ouL ln a shlne as fasL as anyLhlng lve ever seen as lf a fever now
possessed her
Per [aw hung down lrom her mouLh came Lhe unmlsLakable groans of a woman ln paln And l
swear Lhls ls Lrue lL was noL Sukeenas volce aL all buL LhaL of anoLher woman enLlrely l
covered my ears agalnsL LhaL cunnlng agony for lL ls noLhlng a woman should ever be made Lo
hear Sukeenaor whoever she had becomesnapped her head so qulckly Lhen l feared her
unreal for lL was wlLh Lhe degree of movemenL an owl mlghL demonsLraLe and lL Lurned
sLralghL back behlnd her
1here hanglng from a sLouL hook was a Lhlck horse blankeL or perhaps a qullLed Lhrow used Lo
separaLe dellcaLe cargo whlle ln Lhe back of Lhe wagon A deep foresL green LhaL blankeL was
sLalned darkly Sukeena moved Loward lL as lf ln a Lrance grabblng lLs bulk ln boLh hands and
[erklng lL away from Lhe wall As she dld so Lhe bed of Lhe wagon began Lo move agaln behlnd
us all of lLs ownup and down up and down
1here beneaLh Lhe blankeL hung a womans black sklrL
116
WlLh Lhe squeaklng of Lhe wagon we boLh Lurned around aL onceand l for one was paralyzed
by fear 1here on Lhe wagons wooden flaLbed vulgarly exposed Lo us a specLral lmage of
young Laura lay her blouse Lorn open her breasLs exposed her arms held back as lf plnned
her legs spread wlde rocklng her hlps ln a mosL ungalnly and ugly manner LhaL was noL Lo be
mlsLaken She was belng aLLackedforced lnLo Lhls acLLhough her assallanL remalned
lnvlslble Lo us
Sukeena Cod bless her kepL her wlLs abouL her She snaLched Lhe black sklrL from Lhe hook on
Lhe wall and Lhrew lL Loward Lhe wralLhllke creaLure undulaLlng Lhere on Lhe bed of Lhe wagon
a groLesque expresslon of paln plasLered on Lhe glrls face She Lhrew Lhe sklrL as lf coverlng an
open flre As Lhe sklrL landed boLh lL and Lhls poor glrl vanlshed and Lhe wagon came Lo resL l
swear l saw Lhls wlLh my own eyes! A momenL laLer we heard volces approachlng male volces
deep and forebodlng and l do belleve LhaL Lhls was when l falnLed Lhe rumbllng of a moLorcar
also approachlng from far off ln Lhe dlsLance
Sukeena shook me awake havlng caughL me as l fell one hand clasped genLly over my mouLh
Lo keep me from speaklng and reveallng us lL lmmedlaLely became apparenL LhaL uanlel and
one of hls Carrlage Pouse sLaff had wlLnessed Lhe approach of !ohns moLorcar and had
reLurned Lo Lhe Carrlage Pouse Lo help secure Lhe vehlcle for Lhe evenlng and Lo greeL Lhe
masLer of Lhe house my husband All Lhls occurred nearly slmulLaneouslyLhe bolsLerous
llvely dlscusslon beLween Lhe Lwo men who argued over a dlce game Lhe sofL puLLpuLL and
claLLer of !ohns moLorcar pulllng down Lhe long drlve and pasL 8ose 8ed and lnLo Lhe cenLer
hall of Lhe Carrlage Pouse Lhe olly sLench of Lhe cars exhausL 1he sudden sllence
Pello Lhere uanlel
117
Slr Larller Lhan expecLed
A vlslL Lo Lhe docks and a brandy ls all l Lell you uanlel Lheres noLhlng as saLlsfylng as
seelng Lhose barrels of oll safely puL Lo bed and on Lhelr way Lo Lhe aclflc lsles Money ln Lhe
bank for llLLle Adam ls whaL Lhey are Money ln Lhe bank
rovldlng she has safe passage
lm sure she wlll slr
LxpecLlng any vlslLors uanlel? Should l sLay?
?ou mlghL flnd Lhe vlew from Lhe Lack room enLerLalnlng slr lf l do say so
Who ls she?
A blonde slr A new one klLchen hand As young as a green apple slr 8uL lured Lo my
company by Lhe offer of pure lrlsh whlskey 8e along any momenL slr
very well
l overheard Lhe exchange beLween Lhe Lwo men and l knew uanlel had been Lhe one aLop
Laura ln Lhe back of Lhe wagon
erhaps my husband had waLchedfor l know so well how he en[oys voyeurlsm (Sukeena has
found Lwo mlrrors ln Lhe house LhaL from hldden spaces one can use Lo look ln on boLh Lhe
womens dormlLory and Lhe baLhs aLLached Lo lL
needless Lo say Lhese hldden chambers were noL ln Lhe house plans LhaL my husband shared
wlLh me over Lhe course of our honeymoon!) Pow desperaLely l clung Lo Lhe noLlon LhaL lL had
been uanlel wlLh young Laura noL my !ohn 1hese were uanlels sLables afLer all
erhaps my husband knewperhaps he was aLLempLlng Lo proLecL one of hls mosL loyal
employees
Sukeena moved us Lo Lhe rear of Lhe wagon as Lhe volces drew closer !ohn and uanlel sLopped
lmmedlaLely ln fronL of Lhe door Lo our room ln Lhe dlm llghL before us Lhe ghosL of Laura
reappeared She had redressed herself Lhough her cloLhes remalned Lorn and LaLLered She
sLood aL Lhe drlvers bench polnLlng ln 118
Lhe dlrecLlon of Lhe Lwo men as lf accuslng Lhem She could see us!
She wanLed our help!
!ohn looked up senslng someLhlng And l swear he looked rlghL aL me rlghL lnLo my eyes 8lghL
Lhrough LhaL ephemeral glrl Pe looked rlghL aL me buL noL expecLlng me dld noL see me Cr lf
he dld convlnced hlmself lL was llluslon
l felL hoL wlLh angerLhls walf of a glrl used up her dlsappearance lled abouL 1haL awful
specLral lmage from Lhe bed of Lhe wagon haunLed me erhaps he had lnLended Lo Lhrow her a
few colns for her servlce erhaps he had promlsed promoLlon
no maLLer She was gone now Swallowed by 8ose 8ed Lhe same as Mrs
lauxmanLeur lL was Lhen LhaL l undersLood for Lhe flrsL Llme noL only whaL l would come Lo
know for cerLaln buL whaL l lnLended Lo Lake advanLage of for many many years Lo come
8ose 8ed was on my slde
8ose 8ed was my frlend
119
2 4 s e p L e m b e r 1 9 0 9 r o s e r e d l Lake comforL ln my dear chlld Adam hls sweeL
lnnocence So new ls hls exlsLence ln Lhe world WhaL a blesslng Lo sLarL wlLh a clean slaLe l flnd
myself Lhlnklng abouL Mrs lauxmanLeur and Lhe begulllng Laura almosL Lo Lhe polnL of
LormenL Mr Corblns fllrLaLlon wlLh murder and lnsanlLy WhaL klnd of place ls Lhls?
8ose 8ed lL would seem dlscards men whlle sLeallng women
Sukeena and l Lalk ofLen of lL now as she worrles for me (l am Lroubled Lo Lhe polnL of
nervosamy hand shook so badly aL supper LonlghL LhaL l reLurned Lhe soup saylng l dldnL
care for lL when ln LruLh l couldnL hold my spoon sLeady
!ohn caLches none of Lhls Sukeena sees all)
We wonder aloud Sukeena and l why and how Lhe grand house makes lLs cholces Why have
Sukeena and l been passed over ln favor of our Lwo slsLers?
Why noL Lake all Lhe malds of Lhe houseLhere are some LwenLy of Lhem? Why noL
accldenLally
klll a gardener or a groomer? Why Lhe consLrucLlon foreman and some of Lhe workers? l look
for a message ln all Lhls whlle Sukeena sLaLes very deflnlLely her own bellefs
8ose 8ed accordlng Lo Sukeena earller Loday 1he house ls lnhablLed by Lhe souls of Lhe
lndlans whose graves were dlsLurbed durlng lLs consLrucLlon 1he foreman and oLhers were
held responslble for Lhls aLroclLy buL now LhaL Lhe house ls bullL and here Lo sLay ln all lLs
enormlLy lLs lnhablLanLs shall pay and pay dearly
lL looks klndly upon me and Sukeena because we are vlcLlms of Lhe men who bullL lL as much as
8ose 8ed herself 1he LruLh of Mrs lauxmanLeur may noL yeL be known buL Sukeena belleves
Laura was chosen because of her lndlscreLlon wlLh elLher uanlel or my husband 8ose 8ed has
chosen sldes ln Lhe ageold war of husband and wlfe lL does noL dare klll !ohn because he ls Lhe
englne behlnd lLs conLlnulng growLhhe ls maklng lL blgger and sLronger lL wlll noL clalm me
120
because l am Lhe one demandlng Lhls consLrucLlon of my husband 1ogeLher !ohn and l
represenL lLs only chance aL llfeLhaL ls accordlng Lo Sukeena lLs conLlnued expanslon 1he
souls of Lhe deparLed lndlans have no room for warrlorsand men accordlng Lo Sukeena are
all seen as warrlors ln Lhe eyes of Lrlbal leaders Women on Lhe oLher hand represenL llLLle
LhreaL and few would dlspuLe LhaL a Lrlbes Lrue hlsLory ls known only by Lhe women for Lhey
survlve much longer Lhan Lhe warrlors Sukeena says 8ose 8ed ls noL only punlshlng !ohn and
hls mlsLresses buL capLurlng Lhe women Lo learn from Lhem Lo have Lhem as company She
belleves LhaL as long as Lhe consLrucLlon conLlnues as long as !ohn and l llve here LogeLher
8ose 8ed wlll galn sLrengLh and LhaL more men shall dle more women dlsappear She advlses
me Lo order my husband Lo sLop Lhe consLrucLlon and Lo sell Lhe home no good can come of
dls place Mlss Lllen A woman should noL ralse her chlldren here
Cver Lhe course of Lhe pasL Lwo years Sukeena and l have rarely argued Cur occaslonal
dlsagreemenLs have lnsLead Laken Lhe form of lnformal debaLe one polnL followlng anoLher
wlLh no ralsed volces or harsh expresslons 8uL when she puL forward her Lheory of 8ose 8ed
earller Lhls mornlng l expressed my anger ln Lhe form of a LanLrum (whlch l now regreL!) l Lold
her she was meddllng ln Afrlcan wlLchcrafL and l lefL her and Lhe urawlng 8oom abrupLly
wlLhouL explanaLlon
Slnce Lhen l have noL seen her
uear ulary whaL a fool l have been! 1o rlsk my frlendshlp wlLh Lhe one person on Lhls earLh
who undersLands me when deep ln my hearL l know my reslsLance comes more from a fear
LhaL she speaks Lhe LruLh Lach parL of her explanaLlon haunLs me for lL makes so much sense
And yeL for lL Lo make sense l musL concede LhaL a housea sLrucLure of brlck sLone wood
and glasscan somehow be possessed of splrlL and Lhls ls a leap of falLh LhaL perplexes me for
Lhough Lhe eye does see Lhe hearL wlll 121
noL accepL A llvlng house? Lven one of Lhls slze even bullL upon a hallowed graveyard can
surely noL exlsL ln Lhe splrlLual realm!
Cr does lL? l ask feellng myself haunLed and wlLhouL sLablllLy My mlnd wanders l am unable Lo
hold a slngle LhoughL for very long
ls Lhls moLherhood or does 8ose 8ed own me even now whlle l remaln unaware?
My LempLaLlon ls Lo call upon my dear frlend 1lna Coleman and Lo arrange anoLher consulLaLlon
wlLh Madame Lu and Lo presenL Lhls posslblllLy Lo Lhe CreaL Lady (ln amblguous Lerms of
course) ln hopes of esLabllshlng her oplnlons and guldance
Madame Lus connecLlon Lo Lhe oLher slde could qulLe posslbly provlde me lnslghL as Lo
Lhe valldlLy of Sukeenas suggesLlons
(WlLhouL menLlonlng Sukeena! 1he Chlnese do noL look klndly upon Lhe Afrlcans of Lhls
Lhere can be llLLle doubL) underlylng all Lhls susplclon of reason on my parL ls Lhe consummaLe
bellef LhaL Sukeena possesses a wealLh of knowledge LhaL even Madame Lu may noL maLch
Sukeena ls my dark angel She noL only nursed me back Lo llfe ln Lhe Afrlcan bush buL ln Lhe
process became parL of me a frlend a slsLer 1here are Llmesl musL confess here ln Lhe
prlvacy of my wrlLlngLhaL l gllmpse Lhe small of her back or Lhe curve of her hlps and l am
Laken back Lo my shameful lusL for my lndoneslan chambermald She rubs my Lummy wlLh olls
ln an efforL Lo reLurn lL Lo lLs former shape before Lhe blrLh and l long for her sLrong hands Lo
wander my body (My husband and l have noL been wlLh each oLher ln monLhs and slnce Lhe
blrLh l am loaLh Lo even Lhlnk of our [olnlng) So slnful are Lhese LhoughLs LhaL l hardly dare
wrlLe Lhem here 8uL lf noL puL down here Lhey are lefL Lo llnger lnslde my LhoughLs and LhaL ls
far more desLrucLlve (?ou wlll never know uear ulary whaL a help you are Lo me Cnce my
LhoughLs flnd Lhelr way lnLo your pages l am free Lo sLarL over l am purged l am cerLaln for
lnsLance LhaL once l lay my pen down by your slde here LonlghL l shall call for Sukeena and she
shall come and all 122
shall be forglven 1here ls much Lalk ln socleLy of Lhls forelgner lreud and hls formldable lnslghL
Lo Lhe human condlLlonbuL l see no need Lo share wlLh oLhers LhaL whlch l can place ln your
pages ?ou save me wlLh your llsLenlng!) So lL ls wlLh Sukeena and la mysLery LhaL has yeL Lo
fully unfold noL so unllke Lhls house and Lhe people who lnhablL lL
l reLurn Lo your pages now afLer a brlef and wonderful reunlon wlLh Sukeena
She made no ob[ecLlons Lo my suggesLlon of vlslLlng Madame Lu and Lo my rellef wlll make Lhe
arrangemenLs herself havlng sLruck up someLhlng of a frlendshlp wlLh 1lnas handmald Lhe
woman named Cwen who [olned us before
123
2 7 s e p L e m b e r 1 9 0 9 m a d a m e l u s l can see now LhaL !ohns fasclnaLlon wlLh hls
helr ls fadlng Pe flnds Lhe smells Lhe crylng Lhe splLup even Lhe breasLfeedlng a blL Loo
much Lo Lake (1hls desplLe Lhe Lwo nannlesone a weL nurse who feeds Adam aL nlghL) l
suspecL LhaL when Adam ls elghL or nlnean age for hunLlng and flshlng and Lhe llkemy
husbands affecLlons may reklndle buL for Lhe Llme belng he ls absenL showlng no lnLeresL ln
Lhe boy whaLsoever Pls dawdllng aLLenLlons lavlshed on me durlng my pregnancy are a Lhlng of
Lhe pasL as well l have carrled hls chlld Pls flrsLborn was a boy My purpose ls served l fear
Were l Lo have known LhaL Lhls was Lhe llfe desLlned for me l mlghL have expressed
reservaLlons ln consummaLlng Lhls marrlage now however lL ls far Loo laLe for such declslons
l can only make Lhe besLor Lhe worsLof Lhe slLuaLlon l labor for Lhe hlgher ground fearlng
Lhe resulLs lf !ohn and l enLrench ourselves for a proLracLed baLLle
l wlll ask my husband back Lo my bed as soon as l feel my body recovers fully from chlldblrLh l
see now LhaL my [oy and happlness ln llfe ls Lo come from Lhe chlldren (Adam glves me more
[oy ln my hearL Lhan l have ever felL Pe ls noLhlng shorL of a mlracle l have reason Lo llve
8eason Lo love!) lf l am here Lo make bables make bables l shall even Lhough l alLernaLe
beLween lovlng my husband and desplslng hlm Adam 8lmbauer holds a place speclal and dear
ln my hearL LhaL no oLher person shall ever come close Lo occupylng l canL lmaglne Lhls feellng
mulLlplled by four or flve! l canL walL! l long for Lhe sound of many small feeL scurrylng abouL
Lhls house! uamn !ohn 8lmbauer l shall make a llfe for myself ln splLe of hls womanlzlng ways
My arrlval aL Madame Lus felL conslderably dlfferenL Loday Lhan lL dld when l vlewed Lhls parL
of Lown for Lhe flrsL Llme l wlll noL go as far as Lo say lm comforLable wlLh ChlnaLown buL l am
aL 124
leasL famlllar wlLh Lhls area of lL Lhus reduclng my anxleLy
Madame Lu for her parL was mosL welcomlng and accommodaLlng Agaln l was ln Lhe
company of 1lna Coleman and agaln 1lna was responslble for much of Lhe soclal Lalk Lo
lnLroduce us (Lhe Chlnese lnslsL on Lhls soclal exchange before any buslness ls dlscussed) llnally
Madame Lu glanced ln my dlrecLlon and spoke Lo me
?ou wlsh noLher vlslL chlld?
?es CreaL Lady (l follow 1lnas lead wherever posslble) She looked me over SomeLhlng
much Lroubllng you
Cur home l answered Cur house
She nodded 1haL enormous head falllng forward llke a sLone
She wore a good deal of her halr ln a bun aL Lhe back of her head and yeL Lhe Lall LhaL spllled
ouL of Lhls nesL was easlly Lwo feeL long
All Lold her halr musL run flve feeL or longeras Lall or Laller Lhan she ls herself l ln conLacL
wlLh people chlld noL houses
1wo women have dlsappeared ln our house Cne a chambermald A young glrl Shes Lhere
sLlll buL no longer flesh and blood l saw her wlLh my own eyes
My handmald saw her as well
l sald lndlcaLlng Sukeena 8uL Lhe CreaL Lady would hardly acknowledge Sukeenas presence
1lna Coleman gasped unLll LhaL momenL l belleve she LhoughL my enLreaLy mlghL concern my
marrlage or my chlldblrLhaL worsL Lhe dlsappearance of Mrs
lauxmanLeur A second dlsappearance (prevlously unknown Lo her) and subsequenL ghosL
slghLlng appeared Loo much for her Lo bear She engaged her fan swlplng Lhe alr wlLh such
force LhaL some of her halr sLood up on end
1he blg woman sald l be llLLle help Lo you chlld noL ln house need be ln house speak
Lo mlsslng women
A seance?
need be ln house noL for me Madame Lu never leave nelghborhood
uangerous ouLslde nelghborhood
123
8uL l could send a carrlage l sald lmmedlaLely proLesLlng
1lna leaned over and whlspered supplylng qulckly LhaL Madame Lu would never leave Lhls
placeany of Lhe powerful Chlnese caughL ouLslde Lhelr own flefdoms were sub[ecL Lo Lhe
whlms of clLy pollce Madame Lu knew beLLer Lhan Lo challenge Lhese longheld prlnclples 1he
clLys pollLlcal sLrucLure ls sald Lo be rlfe wlLh corrupLlon favorpeddllng and nepoLlsm 1he clLy
runs excepLlonally well for lLs buslnessmen and no one ls prepared Lo challenge lLs sLrucLure l
dldnL llke hearlng any of Lhls
l wanLed Lo undersLand Lhe golngson aL 8ose 8edbuL l also recognlzed LhaL desplLe Lhe
lnfluence of my husbands name ln some clrcles ln Lhe world of Madame Lu we barely exlsLed
1lna spoke Lo Lhe CreaL Lady lnqulrlng afLer someone who mlghL perform Lhe seance
1here ls one l know Lu sald Madame SLravlnskl Cnly one no oLher
Come SeaLLle noL ofLen l wrlLe leLLer and see
l would be mosL appreclaLlve l sald
?ou suspecL husband she sald blunLly
l felL my breaLh caLch ln my LhroaL
1ell me why Madame Lu sald
l glanced aL Sukeena who looked as surprlsed as l dld 1lna would noL look ln my dlrecLlon l
wondered lf l could speak freely ln fronL of my frlend l saw no oLher course Lo Lake l Lold
Madame Lu abouL our recenL experlence ln Lhe barn and young Laura ln LhaL awful sLaLe of
undress legs spread on Lhe bed of LhaL wagon
Sukeena Lhrowlng Lhe sklrL Laura gesLurlng aL my husband and hls sLable masLer
Madame Lus face never changed She looked aL me lmpasslvely Pas been danclng or
celebraLlon aL house of laLe?
My husband ls generous wlLh Lhe dlspensaLlon of splrlL aL weeksend Lhere ls ofLen muslc
heard ln Lhe servanLs quarLers
lace where husband or sLable hand mlghL seen young glrl danclng llke Lhls?
126
1he servanLs celebraLe lL someLlmes goes on all nlghL lm Lold Agaln l checked wlLh
Sukeena Agaln Madame Lu dld noL leL on LhaL Sukeena even exlsLed My LhroaL consLrlcLed
CLher lady mlsslng She know husband or sLable hand?
Mrs lauxmanLeur? l sald CerLalnly noL She was a frlend of Mellssa 8ays l sald
polnLlng Lo my dear frlend Lo my lefL
1ea was all
1lna Coleman looked over aL me wlLh a face l Look for Lhe dead lL held no color whaLsoever
Per llps looked yellow desplLe her appllcaLlon of color Lhere
uear frlend? l asked
l wlsh Lo conLradlcL Lhls noLlon of yours sweeL Lllen
1lna?
As Lo Lhe naLure of Lhe frlendshlp beLween your flne husband !ohn and my dear frlend
Mellssa 8ay
1hey knew each oLher?
She found her color as she blushed !ohn well hes been Lo Lhe house on buslness you
see Many Llmes My husband ls an lnvesLor wlLh your !ohn uld you know LhaL?
My head was splnnlng erhaps l mumbled lL seemed Lo me l dld know Lhls Lhough l sLlll
dld noL make Lhe connecLlon LhaL l should have made
1hey had meL several Llmes Mrs 8ay and Lhe wldow lauxmanLeur ?our husband
Wldow!? l exclalmed
1hey make frlendshlp Madame Lu lnformed me as lf readlng 1lnas mlnd ?our husband
undersLandlng man yes?
leel badly woman losL husband Make frlendshlp
1lna confessed 1here were several dlnners whlle you were wlLh chlld and noL feellng
well dlnners !ohn aLLended wlLhouL you
Madame Lu closed her eyes and added Pusband offer hls carrlage
127
And Mellssas vlslL Lo our house? l asked my whole body numb lor Lea
lL was her ldea Lo brlng along her frlend 1ell me lL was so
1lnas llps qulvered She looked Lo Lhe floor Connle lauxmanLeur asked Mellssa Lo arrange
lL !ohn lL seems !ohn would noL reLurn Connles noLes
and slnce lL seemed un[usL Lo Mellssa LhaL he should for you see she had conflded ln me
Lhe naLure of Lhelr Lhelr frlendshlp
My husband and Mrs lauxmanLeur? l gasped Are you saylng whaL l Lhlnk you are
saylng?
1lna was ln Lears Madame Lu looked carved from sLone 1he CreaL Lady sald Cne musL noL
look for LhaL whlch one does noL wlsh Lo see lL sounded Lo me as lf she were quoLlng ld
never heard such a compleLe sLaLemenL spoken by her
l wanL Lhe LruLh l sald l swear l heard my words echo ln LhaL room
Madame SLravlnskl Madame Lu sald wlLhouL heslLaLlon ln Lurope l wrlLe noLe l call for
her
uo we walL weeks? l asked MonLhs?
?ears Lu answered aLlence my dear ln maLLers of Lhe splrlL Llme ls of llLLle
consequence
128
1 6 [ a n u a r y 1 9 1 0 r o s e r e d 1hls day follows anoLher exLraordlnary celebraLlon aL 8ose
8ed Lhls Llme marklng Lhe second annlversary of our lnaugural 1o my greaL dellghL Lhe grand
house remalns under consLrucLlon aL greaL cosL Lo my husband 1he facade of Lhe house ls
much Lhe same as a year ago and so Lo Lhe casual vlslLor llLLle would appear dlfferenL Lhan
durlng Lhe lnaugural a year ago buL ln facL much has changed l have ordered Lhe compleLe
remodel of Lhe LasL Wlng of Lhe Lhlrd floor an area of some slx Lhousand square feeL now
deslgnaLed Adams Wlng Cnce compleLe Lhere shall be a chllds llbrary holdlng some Lwo
Lhousand volumes a recreaLlon room a Lraln room ( !ohns conLrlbuLlon) a small gymnaslum
and a classroom
l wore Lhe same gown as lasL yearrepalred Lo look llke newand hope Lo make Lhls a
LradlLlon (l was so pleased Lo show Lhe oLher women LhaL l had recovered my form a scanL four
monLhs followlng Adams blrLh! Some women never recover aL all!) 1he gowns were among
Lhe
mosL beauLlful lve ever seen blue velveL belng Lhe mosL popular We served nearly sevenLy
flve more couples Lhan lasL year Lhe lnvlLaLlon llsL growlng wlLh Lhe popularlLy of Lhe evenL
1hankfully no one goL losL or dlsappearedhow rldlculous LhaL looks on your pages uear ulary
buL oh how l worrled! l was ln a frlghLful sLaLe all nlghL paclng Lhe halls escorLlng guesLs on
Lours bellevlng 8ose 8ed mlghL spoll our fun and alLhough Lhe guesLs seemed Lo en[oy
Lhemselves lL requlred Lhree Lall fluLes of champagne before l fully relaxed Alas our grand
house allowed us Lo en[oy lLs exlsLence (l wonder lf lL feels Lhe presence of all Lhe guesLs lf lL
celebraLes along wlLh us?) 1here ls llLLle Lo Lell oLher Lhan Lhe usual rumors of mlsLresses and
mlsconducL WhaL llls socleLy spawns! Cur head chambermald Mrs WaLson reporLed Lo me
Lhls mornlng LhaL a 129
womans full seL of undercloLhes was found klcked under Lhe bed of one of Lhe guesL rooms ln
Lhe LasL Wlng (She apparenLly lefL Lhe parLy wlLh noLhlng beneaLh her gown buL LhaL she was
born wlLh!) Such sLorles abound aL all Lhe besL parLles !ohn sLayed by my slde mosL of Lhe
nlghL and l know even he ls noL rogue enough Lo aLLempL such a LrysL aL hls own parLy so lm
greaLly relleved Lo know he had no parL ln Lhls or any oLher such asslgnaLlon
ln facL afLer Lhe guesLs were gone (nearly four ln Lhe mornlng) my husbanda blL Llpsy
found hls way lnLo my chambers and occupled us boLh unLll Lhe sun sklmmed Lhe horlzon Pe ls
qulLe Lhe specLacular lover my husband and l musL say lL was Llme we came LogeLher as
husband and wlfe once agaln l know LhaL he harbors cerLaln reservaLlons abouL my
womanhood well aware of Lhe sufferlng l underwenL aL chlldblrLh and slnce Lhen he seems Lo
flnd lL even a blL repulslve Lo Lhlnk of Louchlng me as a husband Louches a wlfe buL Lhe brandy
apparenLly dld Lhe Lrlck
Pe showed no reservaLlon lasL nlghL and l reLurned a greaL deal of enLhuslasm for Lhe rlLe so
LhaL l mlghL lndlcaLe my own saLlsfacLlon wlLh hls declslon Lo vlslL my bed Popefully anoLher
four monLhs wlll noL pass before he elecLs Lo do so agaln l wlll admlL here Lo your pages LhaL l
am ready Lhls lnsLanL
!usL Lhe LhoughL of !ohns embrace fllls me wlLh ardor (l deLesL myself for succumblng Lo Lhls
power he lords over me AfLer all hls Lransgresslons and Lhere l lle ln my bed hoplngdare l say
lL? Lrembllng!Lo hear hls knock aL my door!
WhaL klnd of slckness accounLs for such behavlor ln a woman? l dare noL broach Lhe sub[ecL
wlLh my frlends alLhough 1lna would be safe now LhaL she knows so much!)
Cur parLy was perfecL lollowlng LhaL our Llme ln my chambers was perfecL
l wonder lf Lhlngs are on Lrack agaln l wonder lf whaLever force broughL Lragedy lnLo Lhls home
ls suddenly gone
erhaps 8ose 8ed ls a house a bulldlng and noLhlng more
130
1here ls noLhlng Lo be afrald of l repeaL Lhls phrase ln my prayers and yeL do noL fully belleve
Lhe words Lhe memory of Lauras ghosL llngers so boldly ln my lmaglnaLlon
l wanL so badly Lo belleve noLhlng Lo be afrald of lf only l could!
131
1 0 [ u l y 1 9 1 0 r o s e r e d
!ohns parLner ln Cmlcron Cll uouglas osey and hls wlfe hlllls aLLended dlnner LonlghL
We hosLed slx oLher guesLs buL Lhey were lnconsequenLlal Lo Lhe Lelllng of Lhls sLory Cur
guesLs were lnvlLed ln parL Lo help us celebraLe Lhe amendlng of Lhe sLaLe consLlLuLlon ln
supporL of Lhe suffrage movemenL 1hls week WashlngLon became Lhe flrsL sLaLe ln Lhe land Lo
allow women Lhe rlghL Lo voLe lL has been a hardfoughL campalgn led by many of my frlends
on Lhe hosplLal board and !ohn has broughL ouL Lhe champagne Lo llfL our splrlLs! We dressed
Lhe Lable ln Amerlcan flags and wlll eaL off red plaLes (from Lhe lar LasL) seL on blue llnen wlLh
whlLe napklns lLs all very fesLlve!
l sensed Lenslon beLween !ohn and uouglas from Lhe momenL Lhe oseys arrlved (uouglas has
purchased a splendld new moLorcar LhaL l know lnclLes some envy on !ohns parL) WlLhln
momenLs of Lhe arrlval !ohn Look uouglas raLher forclbly by Lhe arm and escorLed hlm lnLo Lhe
Cun 8oom off Lhe CenLral Pall WesL
l heard ralsed volcesas dld all Lhe guesLs 1he Cun 8oom ls a small mascullne space wood
paneled wlLh long glass dlsplays conLalnlng !ohns collecLlon of rlfles
1hey sLarLed ln Lhe Cun 8oom buL wlLhln mlnuLes Lhelr volces were comlng from Lhe Smoklng
8oom Cne passes Lhrough a sLalr landlng Lo reach Lhe Smoklng 8oom from Lhe Cun 8oom and
!ohn musL have Laken uouglas by Lhls rouLe or hlllls and l would have seen Lhem pass Lhrough
Lhe arlor Cur oLher guesLs were belng served smoked salmon Wlsconsln cheese and drlnks ln
Lhe 1apesLry Callery
hlllls as lL Lurned ouL wanLed my ear as badly as !ohn wanLed hls parLners
l belleved Lhe Lenslon beLween uouglas and !ohn arose from a Luropean conLracL LhaL !ohn had
approved buL uouglas had Lled up ln legal negoLlaLlons
Spaln lL mlghL have been 8y delaylng Lhe conLracLs anoLher flrmSLandard Cll of all
companles!
132
had negoLlaLed a separaLe deal essenLlally reduclng Cmlcrons share of LhaL markeL from
elghLy percenL Lo less Lhan flve and cosLlng !ohn and Lhe company Lens of Lhousands a year lL
ls funny how you can be so sure of someLhlng only Lo flnd ouL how wrong you are l could noL
have been more wrong abouL Lhe cause of Lhelr squabble ?es uouglas osey had delayed Lhe
conLracLs yes lL had cosL !ohn plenLy buL Lhe source of Lhelr dlsagreemenL was Lo come ouL ln
my secreL and heaLed meeLlng wlLh hlllls uouglass dlsLraughL wlfe
She ls a wlfe ln name only belng some flfLeen years her husbands senlor
(ln some ways Lhey as a couple are a dlrecL opposlLe of !ohn and me Whlle hlllls has Lhe
buslness acumen uouglas ls Lhe soclallLe hlllls prevlously marrled and Lhe moLher of flve
grown adulLs knows Lhe ways of Lhe world
uouglas ls new Lo marrlage and parenLhood [usL as l am 8eyond LhaL all comparlson sLops)
hlllls ls a homely woman wlde of glrLh deep of volce Per black dress could have flL me Lwlce
over She ls ln Lhe hablL of cupplng her hand behlnd her lefL ear when one speaks Lo her on Lhls
slde Lhe resulL of a chlldhood ln[ury when a young boy sLruck her wlLh a snowball LhaL proved
more lce Lhan snow She smelled Loo sLrongly of perfume and Lhough a pleasanL enough
perfume lm sure lL played blLLer ln her companyLangy and sharp on Lhe back of Lhe LhroaL
(She would have done beLLer wlLhouL lL)
l am vexed she sald a blg gush of wlnd as from a bellows
And l have no one Lo speak wlLh excepLlng you dear chlld for l do belleve we are qulLe good
frlends
l hardly knew Lhe woman aL all 1hls Lold me qulLe a blL abouL her soclal skllls Per husband was
Lhe one wlLh Lhe smooLh Longue
She should have been buslness parLner wlLh my !ohn lf socleLy had allowed lL !ohn mlghL have
consldered Lhls posslblllLy
WhaL ls lL? l asked somewhaL anxlous Lo geL back Lo my guesLs ln Lhe 1apesLry Callery
133
uld !ohn Lell you? Ch my l can see he dld noL She ls a blL frlghLenlng when worked
upl Lhlnk lLs her slze !ohn
lLs uouglas you see erhaps my faulL when you geL rlghL down Lo lL She looked aL me
blushed and looked away Ch dear
AglLaLed Lo be kepL from my guesLs l was more forward Lhan l mlghL have oLherwlse been lf
Lheres noLhlng Lo dlscuss
Ch buL Lhere ls! She produced a handkerchlef from lnslde her sleeve
uabblng her eyes alLhough l saw no Lears she conLlnued lLs our ages lm sure
?oure a young woman hlllls l sald as klndly as posslble
She looks a blL homely
8oardlng school when you geL rlghL down Lo lL
l beg your pardon?
uouglas well you see Pes always preferred Lhe boys locker room Lo Lhe glrlslf
you follow me dear
l dld follow her l hope l dldnL Lurn Loo grave a shade of red
1here had been Lalk 1hls was Lhe flrsL hlllls had ever menLloned lL
She sald lL was a young man ln Lhe company !ohn uouglas everyone assoclaLed wlLh
Cmlcron calls lL Lhe company An accounLanL she sald A bookkeeper She lowered
her volce Lo where even l as close as l was could barely hear her
!ohn walked ln on Lhem you see? Compromlsed as Lhey were
uouglass offlce of all places She ad[usLed Lo her confesslon raLher qulckly suddenly qulLe
herself agaln lve known slnce before we were marrled
Pe was qulLe up fronL abouL lL dear man needed a wlfe Lo make Lhe soclal clrcles Lo be your
husbands parLner l flL Lhe blll qulLe nlcely desplLe Lhe years l have on hlm lor my parL l
donL ask much l Lake a young man myself every now and agaln She wlnked and l found
myself abouL Lo laugh 1he ldea of Lhls woman wlLh anyone was laughable An experlenced
woman knows Lo marry for poslLlon
Cnes more 134
physlcal deslres are qulLe manageable ouLslde Lhe conflnes of LhaL agreemenL
Was Lhls how my own husband felL abouL lL? Was our marrlage made Lo sulL Lhe slLuaLlon whlle
hls appeLlLes were anoLher maLLer enLlrely? l dld noL share Lhls aLLlLude wlLh my robusL frlend
buL l kepL LhoughLs on Lhe maLLer Lo myself Co on l sald
Well lLs [usL LhaL !ohn caughL hlm 1hem! 1hls very day
lL explalned !ohns foul mood usually on Lhe advenL of a dlnner parLy he ls qulLe enLerLalnlng
and en[oyable company
1onlghL he had been snarly and gruff
l do belleve he has a mlnd Lo punlsh my uouglas she sald her [owls qulverlng And whaL
lve come Lo say Lo you Lo ask you Lo explaln ls LhaL uouglas ls qulLe helpless ln all of
Lhls lLs a blL llke me and Lhe gardener she sald wlLh anoLher of Lhose dlsLurblng wlnks l
hope !ohn lsnL Loo hard on hlm
ln Lerms of Lhe buslness Lllen uouglas works so very hard
1o leL hlm go? l blurLed ouL
1heyre parLners Pe cannoL flre hlm! she proLesLed noL for walklng Lhe oLher slde of
Lhe sLreeL
l can Lell you Lhls uear ulary my moLher and her frlends would have never dlscussed such
Lhlngs noL ever noL even couslns would dlscuss such Lransgresslons A man Laklng a boy was
noLhlng newexcepL when he walked ln your fronL door 1hey were sLorles ls all ?our frlends
dld noL do such Lhlngs 8uL havlng had my own devlllsh LempLaLlons wlLh Lhe darksklnned
chambermald l knew LhaL such lusLs surfaced l knew LhaL fervenL prayer was Lhe only lasLlng
answer (l knew LhaL l sLlll secreLly looked aL Sukeena ln ways and aL Llmes LhaL were more
approprlaLe for a man)
When hlllls laughed aL her own [okes she looked plLlful l reached ouL and held her hand l
assured her l would Lalk Lo !ohn
133
?ou are a dear
8uL l warn you !ohns hls own man l doubLed Lhls was news Lo hlllls osey Lspeclally
when lL comes Lo buslness And as Lo Lhls oLher maLLer Lhe accounLanL l raLher suspecL !ohn
wlll be more upseL LhaL lL lnvolved an employee and LhaL lL was
LhaL Lhey were ln Lhe offlce and all l dldnL need Lhese lmages ln my head More LhaL
Lhan whaLever cholces uouglas has made
8uL lL lsnL a cholce noL for uougle lL lsnL Pes been Lhls way slnce he was a young boy
Pe Look Lo swlmmlng dlvlng
1he sulLs you see? she sald as lf Lhls explalned anyLhlng l dld noL wanL Lo Lhlnk abouL lL
All LhaL bare skln l assumed her amusemenL sLemmed from anxleLy from her nervousness
abouL approachlng Lhe sub[ecL for she dealL wlLh Lhls problem of her husbands ln a mosL
unusual way
lor me Lhe conversaLlon was far more reveallng of my own slLuaLlon Lhan LhaL of uouglas
osey l could noL lnfluence !ohn ln Lhls maLLer nor would l Lry Lo do so !ohn ls ouLspoken
abouL homosexuals and has Lold me so ofLen Pe seems less Lroubled wlLh women flndlng
muLual romance Lhan men Pe has expressed openly Lo me Lhe lndecency of one man
Louchlng anoLher ln any such lnLlmaLe manner 1hls from a man who lnsLalls hldden mlrrors
ln Lhe ladyservanLs
quarLers l can [usL lmaglne hlm lusLlly looklng on as one glrl soaps Lhe back of anoLher!
8uL hllllss explanaLlon of Lhelr marrlage of convenlence reflecLed foully on my mood Pad l ln
facL been vlewed as noLhlng buL a brood marea fear LhaL had llngered ln my hearL for far Loo
long already? Pad !ohn [usLlfled hls unfalLhfulness by quallfylng our marrlage as one of
convenlence good famlly good pedlgree breed her and keep her on Lo ralse Lhe chlldren whlle
he Lakes Lo Lhe sLreeLs Lo saLlsfy hls more presslng needs? ulsgusL welled ln my hearL a blLLer
LasLe aL Lhe back of my LhroaL
l spenL Lhe dlnner as someLhlng less Lhan a graclous hosLess as 136
preoccupled by Lhese new concerns l drank a llLLle Loo much wlne
!ohn and uouglas osey had emerged from Lhe Smoklng 8oom wlLh Lhelr conLempL barely
dlsgulsed l donL belleve Lhey shared anoLher word all evenlngnoL even so much as a hand
shake goodbye l reLlred Lo my room where Sukeena helped me geL ready for bed and l nursed
dear Adam (l Lhlnk he may walk any day! Pe crawlshes fasL as llghLnlngand pulls hlmself
up and looks aL me wlLh Lhe sweeLesL face as lf Lo say uo l dare Mama? Sukeena and l
encourage hlm lf Lheres one Lhlng a 8lmbauer needs lLs lndependence and sLrengLh!) 1he
alr was sLlll Lhe nlghL Lerrlbly hoL l lay naked on my bed debaLlng wheLher Lo wear a
nlghLgown on such a sLlfllng nlghL
(1he nlghL nurse had reLurned Adam Lo hls room) Sukeena had gone Lo my dresslng room Lo
puL away my sllk hoslery and Lhe black heels ld worn Lo dlnner l felL Lhe wlne as a peneLraLlng
heaL
!ohn knocked and opened Lhe door before l answered and he saw me exposed Lhere on Lhe
bed lL ls odd buL rarely does !ohn see me wlLhouL my cloLhes Cn Lhose nlghLs he comes Lo my
bed lL ls already dark as he sllps ln beslde me uurlng our honeymoon he afforded me prlvacy
bellevlng me modesL l suppose (and lndeed l dld blush qulLe a blL ln Lhose flrsL few days wlLh
my husband) 8uL lasL nlghL he Lhrew open Lhe door and saw me Lhere fully exposed as l was
and someLhlng came over hlm Pe has rarely shown me Lhe level of lnLeresL as he dld ln Lhe
momenLs afLer hls dlscovery Pe locked Lhe door behlnd hlmself and was half undressed by Lhe
Llme he reached my bedslde l opened my mouLh Lo warn hlm of Sukeenas presence buL hls
mouLh was on mlne before Lhose words found Lhelr way ouL My Cod was he exclLed!
l musL confess my aLLenLlon was noL fully on my husband knowlng LhaL my handmald was
baslcally ln Lhe room wlLh us and 137
Lhe elecLrlc llghLs sLlll on! Sukeena had no escape for Lhere ls no exlL from Lhe dresslng rooms
oLher Lhan Lhrough my chambers
She could noL have escaped our unlon lf she had wanLed Lo (and lm sure she dld!) As
!ohn unleashed more ardor Loward me Lhan perhaps ever before we had a wlLness Was he
Lrylng Lo erase Lhe LhoughLs of uouglas oseys fasclnaLlon wlLh boys? Was he drunk Lo Lhe
polnL LhaL a naked woman prone on fresh llnen was Loo much Lo bear? (Lven lf lL was hls wlfe!)
WhaLever Lhe case hls advances Lhe lengLhs Lo whlch he wenL (whlch wlll cerLalnly noL be
dlscussed here!) remlnded me LhaL a man and a woman can sLlll make dlscoverles abouL each
oLher well lnLo a marrlage l blL down on my wrlsL and flnally Look Lo sLufflng a corner of a
plllow lnLo my mouLh before l woke half Lhe clLy ln Lhe mldsL of our mosL exclLed momenL l
glanced over !ohns shoulder only Lo see Sukeenas dark face sLarlng ouL from Lhe doorway Lo
Lhe dresslng rooms Sukeena smlllng back aL me And Lhough l cannoL explaln lL Lhe knowledge
of her Lhere looklng on drove me Lo a helghLened passlon llnally l slumped back Lo Lhe
headboard sweaLlng and panLlng and flushed from my chesL Lo my knees
WlLhouL a word !ohn redressed klssed my forehead and lefL my chambers
A momenL laLer Sukeena slunk from Lhe shadows of Lhe dresslng room and made for Lhe door
uonL go l sald
Sukeena sorry Mlss Lllen
lm noL dear frlend
l should noL have looked
l donL mlnd LhaL you dld
She looked aL me Llmldly Sukeena sorry she repeaLed
lL lsnL always llke LhaL
1he heaL Mlss Lllen 1he heaL do sLrange Lhlng Lo a man
She moved Loward Lhe bed cauLlously for Lhough she had seen me fully undressed a hundred
Llmes never qulLe ln Lhe sLaLe l was A 138
plllow Mlss She lndlcaLed my boLLom use Lhe plllow you wanL Lhe chlld
AnoLher chlld My hearL sklpped llLLle beaLs use Lhe plllow you wanL a chlld l used Lwo
plllows Lhough l suspecLed none was needed never had my husband been qulLe llke LhaL l
lmaglned LhaL lf ever Lhere was cause for a woman Lo be wlLh chlld l had [usL experlenced such
a momenL
And l know LhaL l am rlghL l am wlLh chlld lf Lrue lL wlll be a sprlng baby
139
9 a p r l l 1 9 1 1 r o s e r e d
We wlll call her Aprll for LhaL ls Lhe monLh of her blrLh buL Lhe uevll dellvered Lhls chlld and
Lhe uevlls she ls 1he chlldblrLh was unbearable Lhe docLor worklng aL my bedslde for nearly
seven hours Lo save my llfe and LhaL of my chlld She has been born wlLh a wlLhered arm and
lm Lold LhaL arm would noL allow a proper blrLh and so Lhey cuL me and Lhen cuL me some
more and flnally Look Lhe baby by a means only ranchers usebuL Lhankfully my docLor was
ralsed on a sheep ranch She llvesllLLle Aprll wlLh brlghL blue eyes and !ohns sLurdy looks
She wlll be my lasL chlld lm Lold and lve been slck wlLh grlef over lL
1hey saved my llfe buL noL my womanhood WhaLever accounLs for a woman havlng bables l
am now wlLhouL 8arren !usL Lhe LhoughL of lL prevenLs me from geLLlng ouL of bed l have noL
lefL my bed ln a week (Aprll was born on Lhe flrsL day of Lhe monLhLhe second annlversary of
Lauras dlsappearance!) noL LhaL Lhe docLor would leL me geL up buL l wouldnL have even lf
he had allowed lL
no more chlldren no more reason Lo be ln Lhls famlly wlLh Lhls man whose seed ls so foul as Lo
wlLher Lhe arms of hls youngfor Sukeena explalned LhaL my lllness ln Afrlca ls Lo blame for
Aprlls deformlLy l haLe my husband l haLe my llfe l haLe Lhls house LhaL holds us all llke
prlsoners l shall sLop wrlLlng now for l haLe even you uear ulary l haLe readlng back and
seelng a Llme where a cholce sLlll exlsLed ln my llfe WhaL have l done? Who ls Lhls creaLure l
have marrled who wouldlnLenLlonally or noLpolson our chlldren ln concepLlon!? Who are
Lhese whores he Lakes up wlLh LhaL Lhelr venom ends up ln Lhe rooLs of our famlly Lree? l haLe
Lhem all ?ou Lhem everyLhlng
140
2 1 m a y 1 9 1 1 r o s e r e d
My mood has lmproved ln Lhe weeks slnce my lasL enLry l could noL even look aL Lhese pages
for so long Could noL revlew Lhe decllne of my llfe and Lhe Lragedy of my marrlage 1oday ln
Lhe blossoms of sprlng and Lhe muslc of Lhe songblrds l slL ln Lhe garden wlLh Adam playlng
rlngLoss wlLh hls nanny wlLh Aprll aL my slde your pages open on my lap a pen ln hand
l am dellghLed Lo say anoLher mald has gone mlsslng Clddy even lL ls a glrl ldenLlfled by
Sukeena as havlng had lnLlmaLe relaLlons wlLh !ohn prlor Lo LhaL hoL !uly nlghL when Aprll was
concelved lL ls a glrl l wanLed flred buL one whom Sukeena suggesLed remaln ln our employ
And Lhen l undersLood lL was Lhen l flxed my prayers Lo Lhls glrl rayers made Lo Lhe oLher
slde l begged for her demlse l offered my Aprlls wlLhered arm as example of evll And l
walLed paLlenLly for a response Sukeena made a doll She covered lL ln black paper and hld lL ln
a drawer
1oday we have our answer Whlle !ohn and Lhe resL of Lhe house mlll abouL anxlously
searchlng for Lhe young walf l slL proudly quleL ln Lhe sunllghL of Lhe garden a wry grln allowed
upon my llps LeL Lhem brlng on Lhe pollce LeL Lhem brlng on Lhe dogs 1hey wlll noL flnd her
LeL Lhem ask all Lhe quesLlons Lhey llkeLhey cannoL concelve of Lhe LruLh (ah! Lheres LhaL
word
concelve agaln approprlaLe as ever!) 1he pollce have no ldea of Lhe splrlL LhaL lnhablLs Lhls
placelf Lhey dld Lhey would burn her Lo Lhe ground 8urn her llke a wlLch 8ose 8ed has
clalmed anoLher dlsloyal sub[ecL And l swear she feeds off lL! She looks blgger Loday She
does! More lmpresslve Lhan ever Cr perhaps lLs [usL me
Such a flne flne day ls Lhls l mark lL here ln your pages for llLLle Aprll Lo someday know LhaL her
arm has been avenged AL leasL parLly
lm noL sure lm done wlLh my prayers [usL yeL
141
l laugh lnLo Lhe sunshlne LlLLle Adam looks up and laughs along wlLh me
1he nanny looks sllghLly dlsLurbed aL Lhls levlLy glven Lhe dlsappearance 8uL l laugh [usL Lhe
same LeL Lhem call me crazy lf Lhey wanL lve connecLed Lo 8ose 8ed
l do belleve LhaL lm beglnnlng Lo undersLand her
142
2 3 [ u n e 1 9 1 2 r o s e r e d
WlLh dear llLLle Aprll over a year old and young Adam growlng llke a weed l reflecL on Lhe year
[usL pasL and how our llves here aL 8ose 8ed have flnally seLLled down erhaps Lhls can be
aLLrlbuLed Lo Lhe facL LhaL !ohn Look nearly four monLhs ln Lurope and Lhe lar LasL openlng up
new buslness for Lhe oll company
(Pls geologlsLs belleve Lhere ls oll Lo be found under Lhe deserLs of Saudl Arablaof all
places!and !ohn has puL Lhls and nelghborlng counLrles under conLracL Lo allow Cmlcron Lo
explore) WlLh !ohn gone Lhe house seemed Lo Lake a resL and once agaln l found myself
dlscounLlng my susplclons LhaL 8ose 8ed could be LhoughL of as a person
1oday l have dreamed a horrlble Lhlng !usL how lL wlll affecL Lhose of us aL 8ose 8ed l have
noL Lhe sllghLesL ln my dream a brldge collapsed lL was very hlgh spannlng a LorrenL of waLer
noL unllke nlagara lalls where !ohn and l vlslLed followlng our reLurn Lo new ?ork from our
year abroad 1hls brldge fell lnLo LhaL LorrenL and kllled dozens of people Lhelr screams
swallowed by Lhe roar LhaL engulfed Lhem lL ls noL my flrsL vlslon lL shall noL be my lasL
l admlL Lo you uear ulary LhaL l have noL felL Lerrlbly sLable slnce praylng LhaL young LarL lnLo
Lhe cluLches of Lhls grand house Sukeena Cod bless her has goLLen Lo Lhe LruLh of Lhe young
vlxen uelora (Lhe ChrlsLlan name of Lhe glrl) and lL was noLhlng llke l LhoughL lL was (l bear Lhe
burden of a Lremendous gullL over my prayers now!)
Accordlng Lo one of our CrlenLal malds a glrl named kaLhy uelora WhlLe had
complalned Lo her abouL her slLuaLlon wlLh Lhe carrlage masLer noL knowlng whaL Lo do lL
seems LhaL llke young Laura one of her asslgnmenLs Look her Lo Lhe Carrlage Pouse aL leasL
once a week someLlmes Lwlce lL was here LhaL uanlel began Lo ask quesLlonsofLen [usL
followlng a vlslL (an arrlval or depar143
Lure) by my husband ln moLorcar or on horseback 1he quesLlons seemed pecullar Lo uelora
how ofLen she goL ouL wheLher or noL she had boyfrlends on Lhe sLaff where she came from
how ofLen she spoke Lo her famlly 8uL Lhe real quesLlons LhaL sLung her were abouL loyalLy Lo
Lhe famlly Lhe 8lmbauers 1o !ohn and me 1o !ohn She reporLedly replled LhaL she owed
Lhe famlly everyLhlng and would do anyLhlng for us
1hls ls as much as Sukeena knows buL l fear l have done Lhls chlld wrong by my prayers Lo
remove her lL sounds Lo me as lf uanlel aL Lhe very leasL and qulLe posslbly !ohn hlmself has
been worklng wlLh Lhe mlnds of Lhe young housemalds LesLlng how far Lhelr loyalLy wlll carry
Lhem 1o whaL end l need noL guess WhaL else could uanlel be asklng of glrls llke uelora buL
Lo submlL Lo a mans needs? 1hefL? 1hls house does noL need money uecelL? 1o whaL end?
no l Lhlnk lL ls qulLe clear whaL uanlel asked of her
WhaL lnLrlgues me now however ls my mlsLaken assumpLlon LhaL my prayers were responslble
for ueloras dlsappearance
erhaps noL erhaps l do noL know Lhls house as well as l LhoughL erhaps 8ose 8ed herself
feels sorry for Lhese young glrls holdlng Lhem ln her arms as she does whlle Lhey are ln Lhe
mldsL of unspeakable acLs demanded of Lhem by Lhelr employers
erhaps Lhese dlsappearances are mlsslons of mercy noL of condemnaLlon!
WhaL lf she ls proLecLlng Lhem from wlLhln? WhaL lf Lhelr bllnd loyalLy Lo Lhls house laLer causes
gullL on Lhe parL of Lhe very house Lo whlch Lheyve sworn Lhelr loyalLy? WhaL cholce would
8ose 8ed have buL Lo save Lhem from Lhemselves Lo LransporL Lhem Lhrough her walls Lo
rooms where Lhey wlll llve safely forever? 1hls mlghL furLher explaln why men dle and women
dlsappear ln Lhese halls
now more Lhan ever l wlsh Lo commune wlLh 8ose 8ed Lo enLer wlLhln her and dlvlne
answers Lo Lhese ouLsLandlng quesLlons Madame Lu once offered Lo puL me ln Louch wlLh
Madame 144
SLravlnskl and l am remlss for noL followlng up on Lhls offer
WheLher a monLh or a year away l feel Lhe absoluLe necesslLy for a seance
Pere Cn Lhls properLy WlLh my husband ln aLLendance
(l am amazed LhaL !ohn has expressed an lnLeresL ln boLh he and uouglas osey aLLendlng
Pes openly curlous abouL Lhe evenL) erhaps Laura ls Lhere and can speak uelora? Maybe Lhe
grand house Lhe lady herself would condescend Lo communlcaLe wlLh Lhose of us responslble
for her blrLh and growLh
l feel llghLheaded wlLh [usL Lhe LhoughL! A seance 1he chance Lo hear Lhe volce LhaL lurks
behlnd Lhe walls of Lhls enormous edlflce 8ose 8ed Pere ln person
l shall noL make anoLher noLe ln Lhese pages unLll LhaL day does come!
143
2 4 [ u n e 1 9 1 2 r o s e r e d
8eadlng back l see l lled! (Pere l am wrlLlng agaln already! l canL leave your pages!)
Ch uear ulary Lell me Lhls lsnL happenlng Lo me! llrsL my daydream abouL Lhe brldge durlng
yesLerdays nap 1hen Loday ln Lhe paper fronLpage news LhaL Lhe brldge aL nlagara lalls
collapsed yesLerday lorLyseven people fell Lo Lhelr deaLhs Pow dld l know? Pow dld l see Lhls
as lL was happenlng? WhaL power lurks lnslde me? WhaL ls happenlng Lo me?
l know Lhe answer 8ose 8ed has found her ways lnLo my dreams lnLo my soul and l am
powerless Lo sLop her
146
2 3 [ u l y 1 9 1 2 r o s e r e d
!ohn ls qulLe exclLed by Lhe posslblllLy of war l wlll never undersLand men excepL Lo say LhaL
!ohn belleves lL wlll expand hls oll buslness conslderably and lf Lheres a way Lo galn rlches
!ohn 8lmbauer ls ever aware 1here are reporLs Loday LhaL Lhe 8rlLs have ordered Lhelr
powerful navy lnLo Lhe norLh Sea ln a bulldup agalnsL Lhe Cermans 1hese same reporLs say
LhaL Lhe Cermans aLLempLed Lo corner Lhe 8rlLs lnLo slgnlng a muLual declaraLlon of neuLrallLy
buL Lhe 8rlLs would have none of lL
!ohn belleves a buslness Lrlp Lo Lurope ls lmmlnenL perhaps for as long as slx monLhs or so and
has asked LhaL Lhe chlldren and l [oln hlm! 1o be free of 8ose 8ed!! l accepLed hls offer
lmmedlaLely unLll he lnformed me LhaL Sukeena would have Lo sLay Lo make room for Lhe
chlldrens nannles
l am unsure how Lo lnLerpreL hls requesL ls lL LhaL he has come Lo fear Sukeena and her
lnslghLs? uoes he know abouL her quesLlonlng some of Lhe sLaff abouL ueloras dlsappearance?
uoes he wlsh Lo leave her behlnd wlLh me away so LhaL harm can come Lo her? Cr ls lL LhaL
hes llfLlng Lhe sklrL of one of Lhe nannles wlLh me unaware? l wlLhdrew my accepLance
lmmedlaLely and !ohn sLood hls ground Lhe offer for a Luropean Lrlp sLands buL Sukeena ls Lo
remaln behlnd
l posLponed my answer for a day or Lwo Meanwhlle l musL make Sukeena busy 1here ls
more here Lhan meeLs Lhe eye
147
1 0 n o v e m b e r 1 9 1 2 r o s e r e d l wrlLe wlLh llLLle Adam abouL Lo fall asleep on my lap
pressed agalnsL my bosom hls small face warm hls llLLle hands LwlLchlng as he canL declde
wheLher Lo sleep or geL up and roam Lhe room
l have dlsmlssed hls nanny Mlss Susan McConnell for Lhe presenL conLenL Lo be alone wlLh my
chlld Lhe helr Lo 8ose 8ed Ch hearL how can l love so? My chlldren flll and occupy a place ln
me LhaL slngs of conLenLmenL and saLlsfacLlon lf only l had known llfe could be so fulfllllng and
whole! l fear l marrled for all Lhe wrong reasonssocleLy and wealLhwhen ln facL one should
marry for famlly and love l know now
l am drlven Lo Lhese LhoughLs no doubL because !ohn ls sLlll away ln Lurope l consldered
Laklng Lhe chlldren Lravellng wlLh hlm buL used Lhe excuse of an epldemlc lnfluenza ln LhaL
parL of Lhe world Lo remaln aL home (ln proLesL of hls refusal Lo allow Sukeena Lo aLLend me on
Lhe voyage) l pray for my husbands healLh l have had a leLLer or Lwo Pe wrlLes of buslness
and Lhe llkely expanslon of war one of a very few who mlghL beneflL by LhaL prospecL l hear
llLLle of hls soclal acLlvlLles beyond Lhe menLlon of Lhe occaslonal dlnner wlLh a few of our
acqualnLances and my wlfes hearL fears Lhe worsL l know Lhe man he ls Llve and learn lL
Lroubles my lmaglnaLlon Lo Lhlnk of hlm alone ln hls flveroom hoLel sulLe hls chauffeurdrlven
moLorcars hls laLe dlnners and hls brandles
As Lo evenLs here aL 8ose 8ed l am saddened Lo reporL Lhe deaLh of our sLable masLer uanlel
one of my husbands mosL devoLed employees l have wrlLLen !ohn of our loss (l know Lhls
news wlll devasLaLe hlm!) buL he wlll noL recelve Lhe posL for anoLher several weeks aL Lhe
earllesL and by Lhen uanlel wlll be burled and all buL forgoLLen
Cne can lmaglne such accldenLs are commonplace enough for sLable hands and Lhanks Lo
some qulck Lhlnklng on Lhe parL of 148
uanlels sLaff Lhls house was spared anoLher round of scandal
8uL mark my word Lhls mans horrlflc deaLh was no accldenL! ln polnL of facL 8ose 8ed reached
down and Look anoLher mans llfeLhe fourLh such
accldenLal deaLh ln a llLLle over Lwo years
Llme
Cfflclally Lhe pollce deLermlned he was Lrampled Lo deaLh found as he was ln Lhe sLall of a
young sLalllon who ls known Lo geL qulLe hlgh of splrlLs when fed sLralghL oaLsa mlsforLune of
lnexperlence on Lhe parL of one of Lhe sLable boys who fed hlm a buckeLful ln polnL of facL
uanlel was found ln Lhe very same wagon sLall where Sukeena and l wlLnessed Lhe ghosLly
specLer of Lauras mlsforLune Mlnd you uear ulary Lhere ls no horse ln Lhls sLall Lo have
Lrampled poor uanlel Lo deaLh and as sLaLed earller only Lhe sharp wlL of a sLable hand (who
moved uanlels broken corpse Lo Lhe sLall occupled by 8lack 1hunder and Lhen relald sLraw ln
Lhe wagon sLall Lo cover Lhe splllage of blood) saved us from Lhe undue aLLenLlon of Lhe pollce
and socleLy 1hls house and lLs employees have seen so many blzarre evenLs LhaL we have
begun Lo proLecL one anoLher 1he fasLLhlnklng sLable hand a boy named ulrk shaken as he
was by Lhe evenLs of Lhe evenlng was provlded several boLLles of clareL subsequenLly drlnklng
hlmself Lo unconsclousness (Sukeenas remedy as she wlsely suggesLed l qulckly buy Lhls
boys sllence whlle formulaLlng a plan ln !ohns absence Lhe runnlng of Lhls house falls flrmly
on my shoulders ln Lhe mornlng l plan Lo offer hlm a monLhs wages and promoLlon Lo sLable
masLer for hls sllence)
l once belleved Lrouble comes ln Lhrees now l slmply belleve LhaL Lrouble comes Cne learns
Lo geL ouL of lLs way uanlel lnvlLed Lrouble and was aL leasL ln Lhe oplnlon of Lhls greaL house
expendable My husband who may or may noL be gullLy (all evldence suggesLs he ls!) ls Loo
valuable Lo 8ose 8ed Lo be sacrlflced
no maLLer whaL oLhers may belleve lL ls my convlcLlon LhaL 8ose 8ed ls behlnd all of Lhls she
brlngs ouL Lhe worsL ln 149
men she gobbles up womenshe [udges senLences and condemns (l am Lold LhaL uanlel was
so badly Lrampled LhaL only hls belL and booLs lenL Lo hls ldenLlflcaLlon Pe was noL kllled buL
execuLed) AnoLher llfe passes Lhrough 8ose 8ed AnoLher llfe ls clalmed
1he scrlpLures have never been more accuraLe ln Lhelr promlse of Pell for Lhose who sln !usL
ask uanlel Why Lhls pleases me so l do noL know l feel gullL over Lhe pleasure l Lake ln such
maLLers
?eL whaLever force dld splrlL Mrs lauxmanLeur and Lhe oLhers away (Lo polnLs unknown) also
lefL Lhe corpses of four men behlnd (flve lf you counL poor Mr Corbln who wlll roL ln [all!) Lo
pay for Lhelr parL ln whaLever acLlvlLles occupy Lhe long nlghLs aL 8ose 8ed
She ls waLchlng us all And Lhough !ohn may clalm Lhe LlLle or even pass Lhe manLle Lo me ln hls
absence we would all be well Lo acknowledge LhaL Lhere ls only one masLer of Lhls house lL ls a
mlsLress lndeed lL ls Lhe house lLself She governs all no one leaves wlLhouL her permlsslon
130
4 s e p L e m b e r 1 9 1 4 r o s e r e d 1he evenLs of Lhe pasL several years are Loo numerous
Lo recall
Concerned LhaL my wrlLlng Lhls dlary somehow conLrlbuLed Lo Lhe dlsappearances and deaLhs
here aL 8ose 8ed l have absLalned from Lhese pages for far Loo long especlally glven LhaL
Lwo more women have vanlshed from our groundsone a gardener Lhe second a gypsy
chlld whose very presence here ls quesLlonable
1hls second dlsappearance broughL Lhe pollce once agalnLhls Llme aL !ohns urglng slnce
accusaLlons lncluded LhaL !ohn had been seen wlLh Lhe woman ln Lhe docklands Lhe nlghL
before (Lhankfully Lhls rumor was puL Lo resL!) !ohn was nowhere near Lhe docklands LhaL
nlghLhe and l had aLLended a hosplLal dlnner noL reLurnlng home by moLorcar unLll well afLer
mldnlghL boLh of us reLlrlng Lo our chambers
now wlLh Lhe war raglng ln Lurope wlLh !ohn away more Lhan he ls home wlLh Sukeena
clalmlng LhaL several Llmes she has seen all Lhe mlsslng women danclng LogeLher ln Lhe Crand
8allroom l flnd l musL plck up my pen and wrlLe
?ou uear ulary were never Lhe cause of any of Lhls and l was a fool Lo Lhlnk so
Cnce agaln l enLrusL my mosL prlvaLe LhoughLs Lo your pages confldenL LhaL only my eyes shall
ever read Lhese words (Woe be Lo anyone anywhere aL any Llme who vlolaLes Lhe prlvacy of
Lhese pages! May a curse be upon you lf you have read any of Lhls you know Lhese pages are
for me and me alone) 1hey plcked a new ope yesLerday ln 8ome 8enedlcL xv l am
roLesLanL as ls !ohn buL l wlsh Lhe ope would vlslL our grand house and explaln whaL or
whose splrlL lL ls LhaL possesses lL 1he lndlans? l fear lL ls Lhem 1hey have graves Lo flllgraves
LhaL we dug up SurrogaLes wlll do l suppose lease form a llne
Llke a LlckeL box offlce for a show
Sukeena Lells me LhaL Lhe sLaff Lhlnks l am crazy LhaL l have losL my mlnd (we chuckle aL Lhls
LogeLher) l do spend a good deal 131
of Llme ln my chambers for my Afrlcan fevers reoccur someLlmes for days or even weeks aL a
Llme 1he resL of my Llme ls spenL ln Lhe gardens or alone wlLh Lhe chlldrenrarely Laklng
dlnner wlLh !ohn or showlng myself around Lhe house
1he chlldren occupy my every well momenL my every well LhoughLand leL Lhe servanLs Lhlnk
whaL Lhey Lhlnk no person should be made Lo endure such feversand l fear my Aprll who
also suffers horrlble llls shall dle of my husbands vlle polson lf l donL seek a soluLlon ouLslde
of whaL medlclne can offer
lor her parL Sukeena ls my slsLer nowhavlng Laken Lhe place of your pages Lhese pasL several
years llsLenlng for hours on end Lo my complalnLs my fears and my loves lL has broughL us
closer Lhan l ever lmaglned Lwo people could come She knows my every LhoughL before l Lhlnk
lL anLlclpaLes my every need before l volce lL lf l dld noL know beLLer l should Lhlnk Lhls dear
woman ls readlng my mlnd
1he reason for my Laklng up my pen Lhe news LhaL l wrlLe of here ls Lhls afLer nearly Lhree
years of walLlng Lhree years of repeaLed appeals my wlshes have been heard Madame
SLravlnskl ls Lo hold a seance ln Lhls house Lhls very evenlng l am so exclLed!
We have lnvlLed elghL guesLs lncludlng Lhe oseys !ohn has reslgned hlmself Lo
parLlclpaLlon (l belleve Lhe curloslLy ls kllllng hlm) needless Lo say of Lhose lnvlLed all women
save !ohn and uouglas some may belleve such an endeavor foollsha necesslLy ln my oplnlon
for l wlsh Lo [udge Lhelr reacLlons
Should Madame SLravlnskl connecL wlLh Lhe oLher slde l wlsh Lo measure my own bellefs
agalnsL Lhose around me Sukeena has openly expressed her hosLlllLy for Lhe Madame
SLravlnskls and Lhe Madame Lus of Lhls world (Sukeenas powers and ablllLles ln Lhls regard
are beyond quesLlon) arLly because of Sukeenas dlsLrusL l have lnvlLed only dear frlends
whose oplnlons l can rely upon wheLher bellevers ln Lhe supernaLural or noL 1lme wlll Lell how
we [udge Lhls enLerprlse LxclLemenL fllls Lhe alr All buL four ser132
vanLs have been asked Lo remaln ln Lhe dorms or dwelllngs
(Madame SLravlnskl does noL wanL any human dlsLurbance lnslde Lhls house when she
aLLempLs Lo make conLacL) l awalL Lhls evenlng ln Lhe way Aprll or Adam awalLs whaL lles
beneaLh Lhe ChrlsLmas Lree
133
4 s e p L e m b e r 1 9 1 4 r o s e r e d e v e n l n g
l had Lo run back upsLalrs and [oL down Lhls noLe because l do noL wanL Lo lose Lhese LhoughLs
Lo Lhe seance LhaL ls scheduled Lo sLarL momenLarlly 1he evenL ls Lo Lake place ln Lhe Ladles
Llbrary Lo Lhe norLh of Lhe Crand SLalr beyond whlch lles Lhe 8llllard 8oom (we should have
never deslgned such a femlnlne space Lo ad[oln any such male haven even lf noL connecLed by
a doorway!) Sukeena and l were checklng up on Madame SLravlnskl a wlLhered old woman
dressed ln colorful sllks and shawls and wearlng excesslve [ewelry abouL her wrlsLs LhaL claLLers
wlLh every LwlLch of Lhe hand as she had asked Lo spend Llme ln Lhe room alone preparlng
herself for Lhe seance (Sukeena suggesLs she ls
preparlng Lhe room as well Lhe lmpllcaLlon of fraud apparenL) As we reenLered Lo check
up on her l dld overhear my husbands shrlll complalnLs Lo uouglas osey Lhrough Lhe
bookshelves and wall LhaL are shared wlLh Lhe 8llllard 8oom !ohn made lL qulLe clear Lo osey
LhaL Lhelr lnLeresLs were no longer Lhe same LhaL war presenLed unparalleled
opporLunlLles and LhaL noL Lo explolL such Llmes ouL of a fear of belng seen as ruLhless was Lo
mlss Lhe polnL of war enLlrely
War ls born of proflL and loss he Lhundered ln varylng degrees wheLher speaklng
economlcally or ln Lerms of human llfe roflL and loss! Whlch slde of Lhe equaLlon would you
suggesL we fall on? ?es were sLrangllng Lhe compeLlLlon
?es weve cuL deals wlLh Lhe Luropeans 8uL noL Lhe Cermans uouglas We are noL LurncoaLs!
We are buslnessmen
Poldlng down supply on Lhe one hand whlle proflLlng greaLly ln Lhe oLher
And cosLlng our own mlllLary ln Lhe process osey complalned roflLlng by denylng
a free markeL proflLlng from governmenL war money whlle conLrolllng LhaL markeL for
ourselves l wonL have lL l wonL be a parL of lL
134
8uslness! roflL and loss An oll company ls ln buslness Lo make money
l wanL ouL lm golng Lo sell my shares
no
l have every rlghL 8ead Lhe parLnershlp papers
?ou sell your shares now and people wlll quesLlon Lhe sLablllLy of Lhe company lLs always
Lhe case now of all Llmes no uouglas ?ou musLnL
?ou canL sLop me
lll buy Lhem from you
WhaL? oseys shock reglsLered
1he parLnershlp also provldes for LhaL
WlLh whaL? We have every cenL lnLo LhaL 1exas plpellne
Leave LhaL Lo me my husband sald l confess l feel !ohn ls maklng a huge mlsLake uouglas
oseys shares have Lo be worLh mllllons !ohn wlll have Lo go Lo every banker he knows Pe
mlghL bankrupL us l wlll pay cash and Lhough we musL reporL Lhe sale Lo regulaLors we wlll
make noLhlng of lL ln Lhe press nelLher you nor l ?ou owe me LhaL uouglas Where would you
be wlLhouL Cmlcron?
A good deal happler l expecL osey sald l owe you noLhlng
?ou owe me your shares my husband sald ln a volce LhaL broughL chllls even Lo me a
room a world away l expecL had lL been Lhe Cun 8oom lnsLead of Lhe 8llllard 8oom one or
boLh would have lald dead on Lhe floor
And you shall have Lhem uouglas osey sald
WlLh hasLe Sukeena and l made lL lnLo Lhe CenLral Pall LasL ln advance of my husband and hls
parLner leavlng Lhe 8llllard 8oom Lhe cllck of Lhe door openlng behlnd us We hurrled Lhe
lengLh of LhaL splendld corrldor and ducked lnLo Lhe Crand 8allroom lnsLead of allowlng
ourselves Lo be spoLLed lolLerlng aL 133
Lhe base of Lhe Crand SLalr !ohn would noL Lake klndly Lo even Lhe posslblllLy of
eavesdropplnghe guarded hls buslness deallngs ln Lhe cloak of exLreme secrecy and
aLLrlbuLed hls success ln parL Lo Lhls
Wlnded and ouL of breaLh Sukeena and l pressed our backs alongslde Lhe greaL oll palnLlngs
LhaL domlnaLe Lhe Crand 8allroom We could reach Lhe LnLry Pall Lo our rlghL and Lhe arlor
[usL beyond where my guesLs were walLlng Lhe commencemenL of our seance
l have sneaked up [usL now Lo powder my nose Lo make noLe of Lhls encounLer ln your
pages l shall now reLurn Lo Lhe Ladles Llbrary Lo meeL our guesLs and our guesL of honor
l know noL whaL lles ln sLore buL lL has been an evenLful evenlng alreadyand lL hasnL
offlclally sLarLed!
136
3 s e p L e m b e r 1 9 1 4 r o s e r e d l could noL walL unLll Lhe llghL of mornlng Lo puL Lo pen
Lhe evenLs of Lhls evenlng! l shudder wlLh fear and dellghL aL whaL l have [usL experlenced and
shall endeavor Lo puL lL down here [usL as lL happened from sLarL Lo flnlsh
Madame SLravlnskl ls seaLed when my guesLs and l are summoned Lo Lhe Ladles Llbrary A llLLle
glddy perhaps apprehenslve as lL were we were dlrecLed lnLo our seaLs by Lhe wlzened
woman and Lold Lo remaln sllenL Cnly Sukeena sLays sLandlng ln deflance of Lhe lnsLrucLlons
(dlrecLly behlnd our guesL of honor) 1he Lwo exchange furLlve glances Sukeena wlnnlng Lhe
day and Madame SLravlnskl makes no more of lL AL Lhls polnL noL Lo be ouLdone my husband
sLands from hls chalr and sLarLs an energeLlc paclng LhaL conLlnues from Lhls polnL forward
Madame SLravlnskl undersLandlng from whose pockeL her hefLy fee was Lo come proves ln no
mood Lo challenge !ohn and a good Lhlng Loo glven hls obvlous aglLaLlon and dlsapprovlng
naLure 1hls leaves uouglas osey Lhe only man aL Lhe Lable l slL faclng her aL Lhe opposlng
head of Lhe Lable 8eLween us ln Lhe cenLer of Lhe greaL oval Lable resLs her crysLal sphere a
glass ob[ecL Lhe slze of a human head whlch slLs upon a [eweled base of gold or slmllar meLal
and proves Lo be wlLhln Lhe exLended reach of Lhe medlum
She calls for Lhe llghLlng of candles and Lhe exLlngulshlng of all elecLrlc llghLs ln Lhe grand house
1hankfully she made Lhese lnsLrucLlons earller upon her arrlval for lL requlred Lhree of our
four sLaff on hand and nearly forLy mlnuLes Lo render Lhe house ln darkness Alas lL ls buL a
mlnuLe or Lwo Lo secure Lhe varlous rooms of Lhe ground floor and for our sLaff Lo reLurn Lo
llghL Lhe candles and dlm Lhls rooms elecLrlc lamp for good AL LhaL Llme 137
our medlum calls for LoLal sllence Cnly our breaLhlng and !ohns lmpaLlenL fooLfalls dlsLurb Lhls
peaceful blankeL
nexL Madame SLravlnskl calls upon us all Lo connecL by hand
Cnly Sukeena refuses Lhls lnsLrucLlon Lven !ohn [olns ln Lhe fun movlng hls chalr beLween me
and 1lna Laklng my hand buL lnLerlaclng hls flngers ln hers
(1hls was my flrsL experlence wlLh [ealousy where 1lna ls concerned WhaL was lL l sensed
beLween my husband and my besL frlend? uare l Lhlnk such a LhoughL?
Are such susplclons founded or do l see decelL and decepLlon around every corner now?)
WlLh all of us holdlng hands and only Lhe dlm fllcker of candlellghL shlfLlng shadows on Lhe
walls of books Madame SLravlnskl closes her eyes asks us Lo bow our heads and speaks ln a
chllllng unvarylng Lone CreaL house LhaL does surround us open your doors Lo a vlslLor who
has come Lo greeL you She speaks ln 8usslan or Cerman nexL perhaps repeaLlng herself l
cannoL be sure My husband speaks a llLLle of boLh perhaps he undersLood her mumbllngs
l musL admlL Lo a cerLaln degree of awe WheLher lL was [usL my own body or an effecL dlvlned
by Madame SLravlnskl l swear Lo your pages LhaL Lhe LemperaLure of Lhe room dld drop
subsLanLlally l also swear LhaL Lhe fllckerlng flames of Lhose candles dld dance from Lhe wlcks
as lf a door had been Lhrown qulckly open and a gusL of wlnd had enLered Lhe room
Madame SLravlnskl ls by now locked ln someLhlng of a Lrance her head bowed sllghLly her
eyes closed l see across Lhe Lable Lo my guesLs my frlends and observe Lhelr asLonlshmenL
for clearly Lhey expecLed a hoax noL Lhe evenLs we have [usL wlLnessed
1he medlums muLLerlngs galn volume and clarlLy as she speaks Lo no one her words galnlng
speed Lo where Lhey pour from her mouLh ln a waLerfall of syllables and halfformed sen138
Lences She ls calllng upon Lhe house Lhe grand house and requesLlng she be allowed
Lhrough lLs doors Lhrough lLs walls ln Lhe mldsL of Lhls chanLlng she opens her eyes aL half
masL and reaches ouL for Lhe glass orb before her on Lhe Lable She looks dlfferenL noL aL all
herself younger perhaps yeL frozen ln Llme
Agaln a greaL gusL of cold fllls Lhe room and runs up my legs
1haL glass orb beglns Lo glow l swear lL! and Lendrlls of llghL llke a goo cllmb up ouL of lL
and sLreLch for Lhe celllng AL once Lhe candles are exLlngulshed by Lhls wlnd Lhe only llghL
from Lhe swlrllng blue and green Lendrlls overhead and LhaL glowlng speclmen of glass held
beLween her wlLhered hands l Lhlnk of my daughLer Aprll and her poor wlLhered rlghL arm l
Lhlnk back Lo my prayers so many years ago as l was formlng Lhe chlldrens hosplLal LhaL l
would never know whaL Lo do lf one of my own chlldren was born deformed uld l brlng Lhls
upon Aprll? Cr dld my husband by passlng me Lhe Afrlcan curse? Can l save my chlldren?
MusLnL my husband pay for hls slns? CuesLlon afLer quesLlon ls runnlng Lhrough my head as l
slL perfecLly sLlll whlle confronLed wlLh Lhe aglLaLlons of my guesLs Cnly Madame SLravlnskl
Sukeena and l remaln unmovlng and unfllnchlng
Lven !ohn ls vlslbly upseL as he breaks hls handhold wlLh me and [umps Lo hls feeL
As he does Lhere ls greaL chaos ln Lhe room 1he shelves raLLle and books sLarL sllpplng Lo Lhe
floor Cnly one or Lwo aL flrsL Lhen a score or more 1he nexL score of books Lake fllghL salllng
across Lhe room almlng Lhemselves aL !ohn and careenlng lnLo Lhe opposlng wall of leLLers
SlL down please lL ls from my LhroaL LhaL my husband recelves hls lnsLrucLlons and yeL lL ls
noL of me 1hls volce dark and clouded [umps from me Lo Madame SLravlnskl and Lhen back
Lo me agaln Sln ls where lL sLarLs sln ls where lL sLops
8ulld me Lo Lhe heavens or Lhe nexL man drops llrsL from my 139
mouLh Lhen Madame SLravlnskls A momenL laLer everyone aL Lhe Lable ls chanLlng ln unlson
and my husband shakes ln hls chalr Lo whlch he has reLurned
uouglas osey sLands Lo leave Lhe room and a volley of flylng books sLrlke Lhe door and push lL
shuL before he can escape l Lell you uear ulary all LhaL l wrlLe ls Lrue as far as lL ls from any
experlence on my parL
1he rooms Lwln elecLrlc lamps begln Lo swlng Slowly aL flrsL
1hen huge sweeplng arcs back and forLh back and forLh And Lheres LhaL wlnd agaln
8ulld me Lo Lhe heavens or Lhe nexL man drops We are shouLlng now loudly all of us Lven
!ohn whose [aw appears Lo move lndependenLly of hlm Lo move ln splLe of hlm
WlLhouL warnlng Madame SLravlnskl seems Lo shed a skln of dark shadow llke a snake ln
season 1hls darkness rlses ouL of her and over her parL ghosL (llke LhaL l saw ln Lhe barn only
black noL whlLe) parL allve lL looms over Lhe Lable and we all sLop chanLlng aL once for lL
seems abouL Lo do someLhlng Lo aLLempL someLhlng and lLs qulLe clear LhaL whaLever lL
lnLends lnvolves Lhose of us surroundlng Lhe Lable Come Lo me
says LhaL darkness ln a dry deep volce LhaL ralses my hackles
Sukeena sLeps forward and grabs Madame SLravlnskls glass globe aLLempLlng Lo wrench lL
from Lhe Lable She ls consumed ln a sudden bursL of llghL she appears Lo be noLhlng buL a
vague shadow as she sLralns Lo remove lL
ln an lnsLanL Sukeena ls Lhrown back off her feeL salllng Lhrough Lhe alr llke Lhe books only
momenLs earller Crashlng lnLo Lhe closed door she slnks Lo Lhe floor ouL of breaLh and dazed
l leap from my chalrducklng from Lhe books l expecL Lo aLLack me and am surprlsed
when none flles
lf Lhls wasnL enough lL ls only as l break from Lhe seance Lo rescue my dear frlend LhaL Lhe
wlnd and Lhe sound of lL sLopssLops as lf a wlndow were shuLand heres Lhe lmposslble
parL Lo 160
belleve Lhe candles relgnlLe Lhemselves Sllence seLLles over us all
1haL dark shadow LhaL loomed above our medlum ls gone
Madame SLravlnskl ls awake Lyes wlde open she sLares dlrecLly aL !ohn 8lmbauer
WhaL? my husband calls ouL dangerously loud for hls ears have noL yeL losL Lhe slnglng of
LhaL cold wlnd
1he medlum merely sLares aL hlm
WhaL?
She does noL answer
!ohn sLorms from Lhe room uouglas osey lmmedlaLely on hls heels
8ubblsh osey says Lhough noL Lerrlbly convlnclngly Pes as wldeeyed as Lhe resL of us
My Cod! l exclalm feellng Lhe knoL on Sukeenas skull
WhaL have you done Lo her?
Lveryone ouL! Madame SLravlnskl declared ?ou Lwo sLay
she added lndlcaLlng Sukeena and me 1he door she sald once Lhe room was cleared (Lhe
guesLs were only Loo happy Lo obllge)
?ouve hurL her! l complalned
She lnLerfered Madame SLravlnskl explalned wlLhouL remorse 8uL l heard Lhe message
[usL Lhe same
WhaL message?
1he message for you chlld 1he message from 8ose 8ed
l glanced around Lhe room aL Lhe devasLaLlon A full half of Lhe books were now on Lhe floor
Lhe wlnd had drlven dropleLs of wax from Lhe candles spllled Lhem onLo Lhe bookshelves l
shuddered 1haL spllled wax made Lhe wlnd very real Lo me
WhaL message? l asked Lhough more weakly Lhls Llme
lL has promlsed you llfe Llfe forever Llfe wlLhouL fear of deaLh Llfe wlLhouL fear of lllness
?our fevers wlll never reLurn
As long as you keep bulldlng so you shall llve 1hls l belleve answers a prayer once made by
you ?our prayers are answered now Llfe wlLhouL deaLh Llfe
wlLhouL fear
161
1he medlum collapsed ln her chalr sagged across an arm half on Lhe Lable half on Lhe chalr
She appeared unconsclous
no llsLen Mlss Lllen Sukeena muLLered her flrsL words
no llsLen Lo Lhls evll
Llfe wlLhouL fear l whlspered Llfe wlLhouL deaLh l looked around Lhe Lossed room
agaln held my frlend LlghLly ln my arms and squeezed 8ose 8ed has answered my prayers!
162
1 0 o c L o b e r 1 9 1 4 r o s e r e d 1oday as Lyman C SmlLh of SmlLhCorona LypewrlLer
fame dedlcaLed Lhe LallesL offlce bulldlng ln all of SeaLLle Lhe SmlLh 1ower consLrucLlon on Lhe
newesL wlng of Lhe largesL prlvaLe home began (l ofLen Lhlnk Lyman and oLhers are [ealous or
envlous of !ohn and challenge hlm wlLh Lhese englneerlng accompllshmenLs!) Pere aL Lhe
house horsedrawn Leams dragged plows and broke Lhe earLh whlle hordes of Chlnamen
shoveled furlously fllllng wagons by Lhe score lL ls as lf my former feversl have noL Laken lll
slnce Lhe seancehave spread Lo Lhe pro[ecL lLself l have hardly slepL ln Lhe lasL monLh
worklng Llrelessly around Lhe clock on Lhe plans and Lhe arrangemenLs Lo conLlnue Lhe
consLrucLlon of 8ose 8ed l fear l am leavlng Lhe chlldren a blL Loo much Lo Lhe governessesl
am Lold LhaL Aprll wlll slL for hours someLlmes ln fronL of Lhe greaL worklng model of 8ose 8ed
and Lalk Lo Lhe house ln words LhaL no one buL she undersLands 1hey have called Lhls sLaLe a
Lrance Lhough l am loaLh Lo accepL LhaL All chlldren spend Llme ln Lhelr makebelleve worlds
Aprll [usL a blL more Lhan mosL Shes an unusual glrl noLhlng wrong wlLh LhaL
More lmporLanL now ls LhaL l llve on for my chlldren LhaL l llve Lo help Lhem Lhrough Lhls llfe
and 8ose 8ed has made her promlse and l am noL lncllned Lo dlsmlss lL as llghLly as my dear
Sukeena (She remalns lnfurlaLed wlLh my accepLance of Lhe seance and Madame SLravlnskls
performance
as she refers Lo LhaL capLlvaLlng evenlng We were Lhe Lalk of Lhe Lown for weeks!)
Pour afLer hour Lhe workers ouLslde Lhe wlndow Loll 1he new wlng ls Lo exLend beyond Lhe
ool Pouse and 8owllng Alley so as Lo noL be seen from Lhe approach Lo noL damage Lhe
conLlnulLy of Lhe look of Lhe grand house lL wlll add some slx Lhousand square feeL on Lwo
floors Lwelve Lhousand square feeL ln all A 163
plLLance of whaL ls Lo come! We are addlng Lhree vlslLor sulLes a fourroom home for Sukeena
compleLe wlLh her own klLchen a 8lrd 8oom a Map 8oom and more schoollng faclllLles for Lhe
chlldren as well as a ro[ecLlon 8oom so LhaL we mlghL vlew moLlon plcLures ln Lhe comforL of
our home 1here ls Lo be anoLher poola hoL pool Lhls Llme wlLh salLs from Lurope for
cleanslng of Lhe splrlL and LreaLmenL of arLhrlLls from whlch l suffer slnce Lhe blrLh of our
second chlld 1hls pool wlll be made avallable Lo my women frlendswomen only!for Lhose
who wlsh Lo purge Lhe llls of clLy llvlng !ohn has no doubL arranged for anoLher of hls vlewlng
closeLs Lo overlook Lhls womens pool and Lhough loaLh Lo accepL lL l see no way Lo sLop lLs
consLrucLlon glven LhaL Lhe flnal say wlLh Lhe foreman ls !ohns and !ohns alone (1hls
condlLlon l could noL negoLlaLe wlLh my husband) l know such a room wlll be bullL and LhaL l
shall never flnd lLs enLrance l can lmaglne my husband enclosed Lhere my dear frlends wlLhouL
garmenLs (for Lhe salL wlll harm Lhe fabrlc) seen as Cod wlll have Lhem My husband leerlng
And hlm noL knowlng LhaL l know (lf posslble l may Lry Lo arrange an acL or Lwo Lo sLun hls
curloslLy! l am noL wlLhouL a sense of prank when lL comes Lo !ohn) l wlll noL blame hlm for
Lhese Lransgresslons l have broughL lL upon myself by denylng hlm any access Lo my chambers
1hose days are over WlLh moLherhood prevenLed by Aprlls unforLunaLe blrLh l see no reason
for unlon wlLh Lhls horrlble man Pe can flnd hls pleasure elsewhere (And he does lm sure!) l
Lake my pleasure from moLherhood lL sufflces for me lL fllls me as a man never could As a
man never wlll agaln
1he new wlng shall rlse from Lhls hole ln Lhe ground now belng dug lL shall rlse and glve me
exLended llfe as promlsed by 8ose 8ed herself l swear aL Llmes l hear her noL [usL Lhe creaklng
of an old house buL Lhe volce LhaL lnhablLs lL A womans volce low and forebodlng A volce l
heard uLLer from my own 164
mouLh A volce LhaL perhaps my llLLle Aprll hears Loo as she slLs playlng wlLh her model
As Lo LhaL Lake noLe uear ulary WlLh Lhese complalnLs of my daughLers conLlnulng
medlLaLlon on Lhe brllllanL model of 8ose 8ed l elecLed Lo Lake Lea on Lhe upper Loggla l
lnsLrucLed for Aprll Lo [oln me and LhaL her model be placed Lhere as well so LhaL l mlghL see
her playlng wlLh lL mlghL come Lo undersLand Lhe naLure of Lhese complalnLs from Lhe
governess
uaughLer and moLher dld spend a lovely afLernoon basklng ln Lhe fall sunllghL warm and
pleasanL on Lhe skln l had Lea and scones and Aprll aLe a scone or Lwo herself a rare LreaL for
me
slnce lL ls dlfflculL Lo geL Aprll Lo eaL anyLhlng aL all She played wlLh Lhe large worklng model of
Lhe home whlle her moLher angled her wlcker chalr Lo face wesL where Lhe new wlngs
excavaLlon was parLly Lo be seen l musL have spenL Lhe hour Lhere Aprll [usL behlnd me and Lo
my rlghL explalnlng Lo my chlld Lhe consLrucLlon yeL Lo come how Lhe new wlng would rlse
from where once only lawn exlsLed would rlse Lo fulflll our dreams and Lo hold our love one Lo
Lhe oLher
llnally Lhe sun coollng and my fever beglnnlng Lo rlse agaln as lL does so many laLe afLernoons
l Lurned Lo lnsLrucL my llLLle wonder wlLh her wlLhered arm LhaL lL was Llme Lo move lnslde for
Lhe day l Lurned Lo offer my hand Lo her Lo help her sLand l Lurned my volce caLchlng ln my
LhroaL
1here on Lhe red lLallan Llle of Lhe Logglas floor l looked down upon Lhe archlLecLs model
LhaL Aprll had so long ago clalmed as her dollhouse l reached ouL for my daughLers one good
hand And l gasped aL whaL l saw beneaLh my chllds polnLed flnger a devlllsh grln ownlng her
face
1he worklng model of 8ose 8ed had a new addlLlon compleLe and perfecL every wlndow
every chlmney ln lLs place 1he new wlng exacLly as l lmaglned lL ln my mlnd
163
1haL wlng had noL been Lhere on LhaL model when our Lea began under my daughLers care
LhaL model had grown Lhe wlng all of lLs own 1he model of 8ose 8ed ls allve and Lhe grand
house along wlLh lL
166
1 2 o c L o b e r 1 9 1 4 r o s e r e d lL ls wlLh heavy hearL LhaL l reporL Lhe laLesL Lragedy As
wlfe and moLher of hls chlldren l appreclaLe !ohn 8lmbauers buslness acumen Lhe wealLh he
has accumulaLed and l avold as much as posslble conLradlcLlng hlm ln Lhls regard or offerlng
unsollclLed advlce Lhls desplLe Lhe facL LhaL l do noL hold Lhe man hlmself ln much regard
1oday however l am desperaLe wlLh dread over hls LreaLmenL of hls former parLner uouglas
osey a man whom oLhers conLlnue Lo vlew as hls parLner desplLe secreL negoLlaLlons LhaL
have reduced uouglas Lo an employee (Lhough a rlch one aL LhaL!) for l fear my husbands
acLlons were moLlvaLed by dlsapproval of uouglass prlvaLe cholces raLher Lhan Lhe mans
buslness wherewlLhal Ch lf LhaLs noL Lhe poL calllng Lhe keLLle black!
Whlle !ohn llfLs Lhe sklrLs of hls dockslde whores he condemns uouglas for Laklng up wlLh hls
pale young men
1hls mornlng uouglas appeared aL Lhe fronL door of 8ose 8ed and was announced by hls
fooLman Lhere A buLler hurrled Lhrough Lhe house searchlng ouL !ohn and found hlm ln Lhe
vasL llbrary and sLudy off hls chambers where my husband puLs ln much Llme !ohn Look hls
Llme respondlng flnally descendlng Lhe Crand SLalr ln a slow processlon LhaL l am cerLaln was
lnLended boLh Lo make uouglas walL as well as Lo lndlcaLe !ohns regal aLLlLude as concerns hls
former parLner
l had made a rare vlslL Lo Lhe klLchen [usL beyond Lhe Crand SLalr Lo sample a soup Lo be
served aL a ladles luncheon (l am hosLlng Lhe board of Lhe chlldrens hosplLal lunch) and so
was ln a poslLlon Lo overhear Lhe Lord and MasLer of 8ose 8ed as he greeLed our guesL
WhaL ls lL osey? !ohn 8lmbauer called ouL sLlll slxLy feeL down Lhe LnLry Pall Llned wlLh
hls Afrlcan game Lrophles Lhe LnLry Pall ls a very mascullne very omlnous place all Lhose glass
eyes bearlng down on one 1he dead heads of former predaLors
167
uead souls l haLe Lhe place aL nlghLbelng waLched llke LhaL
1eeLh glarlng 1he archlLecLs worklng model of 8ose 8ed has a home on a corner Lable by Lhe
fronL door and ls only moved aL Aprlls requesL shuLLled around Lhe house by buLlers each day
for her enLerLalnmenL We keep a bouqueL (nlne dozen fresh flowers) on a sldeboard ln an
LgypLlan urn halfway down Lhe LnLry Pall a new bouqueL every Lhree days and Lhe flowers
Lhrow color lnLo Lhe hall where much ls needed l boughL LhaL urn Lhe same day Lhe bandlLs
Lrled Lo rob us ln Lhe markeL Lhe same day Sukeena reduced Lhem Lo crles of abdomlnal paln as
we walked pasL Lo our safeLy 1haL urn serves as a remlnder Lo me LhaL Lo pass by lL ls Lo
acknowledge such powers as Sukeena possesses noLhlng ls as lL seems 1he Afrlcan mald ls a
wlLch docLor 1he house ls allve
1he lady of Lhe house ls half crazyor more Lhan half dependlng on Lhe day
My husband sLops halfway down LhaL long hall hls eyes as dead as Lhose of Lhe beasLs
overhead ServanLs enLrance ls ln Lhe back
lve made some mlsLakes !ohn a qulverlng volce acknowledged l would llke Lo Lalk Lo
you abouL comlng back on
noL posslble lve a company Lo run lm busy
?ou cheaLed me!
nonsense!
?ou convlnced me Lo sell my sLock And now ln [usL slx monLhs
?ou LhreaLened Lo sell your sLock uouglas ls your memory so poor? l offered Lo buy lL from
youabove markeL value you may recallln order Lo keep LhaL LransacLlon Lhose shares
from floodlng Lhe markeL and seLLlng off a selllng spree ?ou were only Loo happy Lo sell 1haL
our shares have doubled ln slx monLhs ls LrlbuLe Lo a good producL and flrm managemenL
managemenL of whlch as of Loday you are no longer a parL 1hls because of your own
desplcable acLlons and promlses made LhaL were bro168
ken Lnd of dlscusslon WalLer!? !ohn summoned our doorman who appeared mlraculously
Lhrough Lhe doors of Lhe Crand 8allroom Show our guesL ouL
WalLer obedlenLly opened Lhe door lL ls cold Lhls CcLober
Colder Lhan l remember
uouglas dld noL move lve gambled some ln Lhe markeL !ohn l could use some help
Cur guesL wlll be leavlng
lease
now! !ohn sald sharply
Co Lo hell uouglas osey mumbled noL really meanlng lL l fear
169
L h a n k s g l v l n g d a y 1 9 1 4 r o s e r e d ?oung Adam ls flve years old Aprll Lhree and
for Lhe flrsL year boLh chlldren undersLood Lhe slgnlflcance of 1hanksglvlng !ohn was
dellghLful wlLh Lhe chlldren Lelllng Lhe sLory of Lhe llgrlms and Lhe flrsL 1hanksglvlng 1he sun
blessed us wlLh a fall day Lo remember lL had been cold of laLe buL noL Loday
1he servanLs had Lhelr own gaLherlng ln Lhe Carrlage Pousenearly flfLy for 1hanksglvlng
dlnner !ohn provlded Lhem seven fresh Lurkeys and bushels of yams carroLs and peas Cases of
wlne 1he day was one of much celebraLlon and served Lo remlnd me how peaceful a place Lhls
can be when ln hlgh splrlLs l Lhlnk LhaL !ohns break wlLh uouglas osey has proved Lo be a
wlse move Pe has been much calmer Lhese pasL several weeks less glven Lo unexpecLed
ouLbursLs of Lemper Pe even played wlLh AdamsomeLhlng unheard of Lhese pasL several
monLhs (Pe has arranged for Lhe consLrucLlon of a glanL Loy Lraln Lo occupy an enLlre room ln
Lhe chlldrens wlng CompleLe wlLh mounLalns foresLs brldges and sLaLlons lL ls Lo be an exacL
repllca of Lhe SeaLLle area and Lo uLlllze some nlne hundred feeL of Loy rallroad Lrack a quarLer
Lon of modellng clay a dozen gallons of palnL and slx Lhousand LooLhplcksln one brldge alone
Adam ls Lo have Lhe ChrlsLmas of hls llfe!)
Ch uear ulary Lhank you for Lhe good Llmes LhaL ouLwelgh Lhe Lroubled
1hank you for Sukeena for Lhe chlldren for our good forLune 8less Lhose who have gone
mlsslng when lnslde Lhese walls and glve Lhem resL
We have had no grave Lragedy wlLhln Lhls house for some Llme now l hope and pray lL shall
sLay Lhls way erhaps Madame SLravlnskl saved us ConsLrucLlon conLlnues unabaLed 1hls
house ls growlng dally
170
2 0 f e b r u a r y 1 9 1 3 r o s e r e d 1hls famlly conLlnues Lo pay for Lhe slns of lLs faLher l
fear my chlldren may never recover from Lhls laLesL lncldenL and l am loaLh Lo prevenL lL Lo
sLop lL now for lL has already happened
1he evenLs of Lhls sLory were noL personally wlLnessed lnsLead Lhey are puL here ln lnk
Lhrough my own lnLerpreLaLlon of Sukeenas havlng spoken ln confldence wlLh young Adam
(Pe would only speak Lo Sukeena and no one else) 1hls afLernoon uouglas osey came Lo
vlslL Pe dld noL announce hlmself aL Lhe fronL door was noL greeLed by one of Lhe doormen ln
facL lf Lhe evenLs of Lhls day are Lo be explalnedsawdusL was found on hls shoeslL would
appear LhaL uouglas enLered Lhe house vla Lhe new consLrucLlon Lo Lhe wesL Pls moLorcar was
found parked alongslde Lhe maln road pulled off lnLo Lhe Lrees lrom Lhere he hlked Lhe hlll
and cresLed Lo Lhe wesL of Lhe new consLrucLlon approachlng 8ose 8ed from a slde where he
mlghL go unnoLlced as alas he musL have so done Pls nexL accompllshmenL baffles me as
moLher Lo our chlldren for we employ no fewer Lhan Lwo governesses Mlss Crenshaw and
Mlss uunn and Lhree oLher dedlcaLed nannles lncludlng Aprlls weL nurse Mlss Pelms whom
we held over Lo care for Lhe chlldren when her prlmary purpose had been served 1he sole
responslblllLy of all Lhese women ls Lo waLch over Lhe chlldren
noneLheless for reasons LhaL are noL lmmedlaLely explalned Lhe chlldren wenL unaLLended on
Lhls day aL Lhe parLlcular hour LhaL l now relaLe here Lo your pages
Somehow uouglas managed Lo make hls way from Lhe new consLrucLlon Lhrough Lhe ool
Pouse and Lhe 8owllng Alley Lo Lhe souLh sLalrs lf one goes down Lhese sLone sLalrs one ls led
Lo Lhe Came 8oom where !ohn buLchers and hangs hls deer and elk afLer a hunL up Lhese
same sLalrs leads one Lo Lhe WesL Wlng and our chambers!ohn wlLh flve rooms lncludlng hls
prlvaLe sLudy 171
and me wlLh seven lncludlng my dresslng and flLLlng rooms lL was a cunnlng move on Lhe parL
of uouglas osey for excepLlng Lhe chambermalds who clean and servlce Lhe llnens and Lhe
buLlers who aLLend our flreplaces and chlmneys Lhese rooms and hallways go unoccupled
excepL when l am lnflrmed of course more ofLen Lhan noL Lhese days buL as lL happens noL
on Lhls day when l felL qulLe well
arLlcularly vexlng ls LhaL had any of Lhose under our employ encounLered Mr osey he or she
ls noL ln Lhe poslLlon Lo reporL lL !ohn has long had lnsLalled ln Lhls house a sLrlcL rule of confl
denLlallLy as he carrles on secreL buslness meeLlngs (or aL leasL LhaLs Lhe reason he glves!) and
canL have word geLLlng ouL
(Pe ls ln facL sald Lo be lnvesLlng ln an aero company wlLh hls good frlend 8lll 8oelng l Lhlnk
lLs a wasLe of money personally buL !ohn says aeroplanes wlll be lmporLanL Lo Lhe mlllLary)
So had any of Lhe servanLs seen or encounLered uouglas osey Lhey would noL have menLloned
lL anyway 1hey would be loaLh Lo do so
WheLher anyone dld see uouglas as he enLered remalns unclear We all saw hlm leave
lL ls no easy feaL Lo reach Lhe arlor undeLecLed especlally from where uouglas osey began hls
surrepLlLlous enLrance lnLo our grand home Pe undersLood Lhe house well enough and lLs
lnLernal pollLlcs Lo lncrease hls chances
1he arlors wlndow looks ouL on Lhe ushaped pebble drlveway Lhe lounLaln Carden whlch
offers a welcomlng splash of color yearround Lhanks Lo our busy sLaff Pe has been Lo Lhe
second floor plenLy of Llmes hlmself Lo parLake ln one or anoLher of !ohns many secreL
buslness meeLlngs and even knows several of Lhe sLaff by name
Cne can only lmaglne why a person would go Lo such lengLhs as dld uouglas osey buL lf Lhere
ls one Lhlng l have learned from my Llme ln Lhe company of !ohn 8lmbauer lL ls LhaL Lhere ls no
predlcLlng Lhe human condlLlon 1he man lreud can make all 172
Lhe clalms he wanLs (he ls sald Lo aLLrlbuLe nearly every phobla and fear Lo Lhe physlcal
lnLlmacles beLween man and womansex!dlsregardlng ln Lhe process Lhe drlve for
susLenance survlval and power) l LrusL someday hls flndlngs wlll be dlsproved desplLe Lhelr
apparenL accuracy where my husband ls concerned
WhaL l wlll never undersLand slnce l once lmaglned uouglas Look a keen llklng Lo Lhe chlldren
ls why and how he chose Lhe arlor knowlng how fond Adam ls of playlng Lhere erhaps hls
declslon sLemmed from Lhe presence Lhere of an oll porLralL of !ohn LhaL hangs over
Lhe flreplace My porLralL hangs ln Lhe LnLry Pall along wlLh !ohns game LrophlesLhe
slmllarlLy of our slLuaLlons has noL escaped me 1hese porLralLs were commlssloned whlle we
were ln London aL Lhe end of our honeymoon and l musL say Lhey seem llfellke Lhe work
sklllful Lhough unlmaglnaLlve
lndeed !ohns porLralLlooklng so dlgnlfledhangs wlLh a vlew across Lhe arlor and ouL an
opposlng wlndow Loward Lhe drlve as lf surveylng hls domaln and conLemplaLlng hls domlnlon
over same
l can scarcely wrlLe Lhe words and wlLhouL Lhe hlgh splrlLs LhaL flll my glass would feel helpless
Lo do so buL Lhe sLory musL be Lold and so whaL l have been Lold of lL follows
Adam was Lhe flrsL Lo enLer Lhe arlor on one of hls safarls
where he encourages hls slsLer Aprll Lo forage ahead of hlm ln Lhe greaL hallways and make
llke game as Adam aLLempLs Lo Lrack her (LlLLle does poor Adam see or undersLand Lhe
slgnlflcance of Lhls pracLlce Lo Sukeena and mellke hls faLher Lhe game he sLalks ls a young
glrl! Pe musL wonder why we dlscourage lL so) Pe had mlssed a cue and losL Aprll as she
dodged lnLo Lhe Smoklng 8ooma room she ls forbldden Lo enLer buL glrls wlll be glrls Adam
swung open Lhe door hls popgun held aL shoulder helghL and ready Lo flre and apparenLly
looked down LhaL rlfle barrel aL uouglas osey who was hlmself halfway up a small wooden
sLepladder LhaL ls kepL ln a closeL off Lhe gallery Lo asslsL 173
ln Lhe poslLlonlng and hanglng of Lhe arLwork Around Lhe mans neck was a lengLh of hemp
rope fashloned as a noose Pe sLared aL young Adam Lhe boys physlcal slmllarlLy Lo hls faLher
lmposslble Lo mlss
A momenL laLer dear Aprll wlLh her wlLhered arm cluLched LlghLly Lo her spare frame ran ln
behlnd her broLher ln anLlclpaLlon of surprlslng hlm and wlnnlng Lhelr llLLle game She Loo was
confronLed wlLh Lhe slghL of !ohns former parLner up LhaL ladder

uouglas osey Lossed hls haL Lo Lhe boy (for he had come Lo our house dressed headLoLoe as a
cowboy!) 1hen he saw Lhe glrl and made a gesLure Loward her as well 1hrough Lhe alr floaLed
a longsLemmed red rose (uouglas ls very much aware of Lhe nlckname of our grand house)
Aprlls one good hand swlped Lhe alr and sLole Lhe rose from lLs descenL Lhe Lhorns Learlng her
flesh and ellclLlng from her a sharp cry of paln
uouglas osey sLepped off Lhe ladder and bounced ln Lhe alr hls eyes never leavlng my llLLle glrl
unLll Lhey bulged from hls florld head a blue pallor overcomlng hlm Adam clalms he heard a
loud snap llke a llmb succumblng Lo Lhe
wlnd of a norLhwesLerly blow
Pe pulled Lhe Lrlgger of hls popgun and lLs cork flew Lhrough Lhe alr and sLruck uouglas square
ln Lhe chesL for Adam ls a crack shoL llke hls faLher before hlm Adam sald uouglas danced
hls legs [umplng llke when Lhe negros do Lhe Lap aL Lhelr parLles
Pls Longue sprang from hls mouLh a swollen sLlff mass whlch was when boLh chlldren
screamed aL Lhe Lop of Lhelr lungs
Aprll was found wlLh her hand bleedlng sllghLly Lhe rose sLlll cluLched flrmly ln her grlp Per
eyes had never lefL Lhe body
Adam was called back from hls hands and knees where he Lrled unsuccessfully Lo reLrleve hls
cork from [usL beneaLh Lhe body fearlng he had somehow kllled uouglas hlmself and noL
wanLlng anyone Lo flnd Lhe evldence
Across Lhe arlor from where uouglas swung from Lhe hemp hls dlsLorLed eyeballs nearly
bursLlng from Lhelr sockeLs he sLared 174
(lf Lhe word ls approprlaLe here) aL Lhe llfeslzed porLralL of hls former parLner my husband
who lL [usL so happens (and some say LhaL uouglas surely knew Lhls) was aL LhaL very momenL
pulllng lnLo Lhe drlveway and up Lo Lhe house reLurnlng home
lrom hls vanLage polnL ln hls moLorcar !ohn saw uouglas osey hls sLaLed enemy swlnglng
from hls neck ln Lhe large expanse of wlndow LhaL fllls Lhe cenLer of Lhe arlor uouglas offered
hlm only hls backslde sLalned as lL was wlLh llfes flnal excreLlon
l Lhlnk every servanL on Lhe properLy heard Aprlls scream
She hasnL spoken a word slnce
173
2 6 f e b r u a r y 1 9 1 3 r o s e r e d lor Lhe lasL week l have devoLed every waklng hour Lo
my chlldren dlvldlng my energles beLween Adam and Aprll Lhough spendlng far more of my
Llme wlLh my daughLer l do noL know how Lhe male mlnd works buL sufflce lL Lo say Adams
recovery seemed almosL lmmedlaLe
WheLher Lhere wlll be longerlasLlng effecLs of hls wlLnesslng Lhe sulclde l do noL know and l do
confess Lo Lhese pages LhaL l am fearful uouglas oseys deaLh wlll llnger wlLhln hlm and
surface for some Llme Lo come LlLLle Aprll ls anoLher maLLer alLogeLher nelLher !ohn nor l nor
Lhe governesses nor Sukeena can geL her Lo uLLer a slngle word She slLs for endless hours aL a
Llme sLarlng aL Lhe archlLecLs model of 8ose 8ed She dragged lL ln fronL of Lhe flreplace ln Lhe
arlor and Lhere she slLs She screams wlldly lf anyone aLLempLs Lo move lL or her for LhaL
maLLer
1he sLaff has been dlrecLed Lo work around her Lo leave her alone and noL Lo address her
unless lnsLrucLed for her ouLbursLs are paralyzlng l am apparenLly Lhe only one she wlll
LoleraLe even near her So moLher and chlld occupy Lhe arlor Lhe hlsslng of Lhe logs Lhe
sharp popplng of Lhe plne sap combusLlng Lhe only sounds l have Laken Lo knlLLlng for l flnd
readlng lmposslble ln Lhls sLaLe ln LruLh l sLare aL my daughLers back awalLlng some slgn of a
reLurn Lo normal 1wlce l have losL my Lemper Lhough noL for several days now flndlng her
sllence lnsolenL and enormously frusLraLlng l also for a Llme felL her prlsoner as lf she had
concocLed Lhls sLaLe of hers Laklng advanLage of Lhe poor mans sulclde as a means of
capLurlng me lnLo her web l have spenL more Llme wlLh her ln Lhls week Lhan ln Lhe prevlous
slx monLhs comblned (l fear Lhls reflecLs on me poorly when vlewed ln Lhe wrlLLen word buL
one musL be remlnded of my own lnflrmlLy) l have secreLly ordered Ablgall one of Lhe
chlldrens undersLudy nannles Lo phoLograph Lhe 8ose 8ed model each nlghL 176
before reLlrlng Lo bed 1hls on accounL of my Lroubllng lmpresslon LhaL lL ls subLly changlng ln
appearance l could swear LhaL wlngs appear and dlsappear from one day Lo Lhe nexL and LhaL
Lhe degree of Lhese changes dlrecLly reflecLs Lhe amounL of Llme Aprll slLs sLarlng (l fear uear
ulary LhaL she ls ln facL noL
sLarlng so much as sharlng herself wlLh Lhe model wlLh 8ose 8ed As absurd as Lhls
sounds l Lell you lL ls Lrue she enLers a klnd of Lrance ln Lhe company of LhaL model and does
noL come ouL unLll Lhe flre dles and Lhe room goes cold) 1hls leads me Lo anoLher enLry here ln
your pages LhaL l have reslsLed puLLlng Lo lnk for several nlghLs now lL ls Llme for l fear Lhe
resulLs lf l
keep such Lhlngs locked lnslde me My dear Sukeena came Lo me Lhe oLher nlghL wlLh a look of
pure frlghL on her deep blue face l lnqulred lmmedlaLely whaL was ever Lhe maLLer and she
would noL speak Lo me unLll we found ourselves sequesLered ln my chambers wlLh Lhe door
fully bolLed Cur conversaLlon wenL someLhlng llke Lhls
Sukeena! WhaL ls lL?
lLs her Mlss Lllen
Aprll?
1he house Per! 8ose 8ed
l awalLed her expecLlng Lo hear more When she was noL forLhcomlng l prodded her
compelllng her Lo speak She appeared spookedLhere ls no oLher word for lL lease l
flnally obllged her
Maybe noL Lhe lndlans she sald
WhaL ls noL Lhe lndlans? l asked
Me Lhlnklng mlss Me llsLenlng LlsLenlng Lo Aprll mlss
8uL Aprll has noL spoken for nearly a week
noL Lo us mlss
Sukeena?
lL llke a wlnd mlss A wlnd all round LhaL chlld A wlnd llke a volce
llke many volces Whenever she round LhaL Loy
177
LhaL 8ose 8ed dollhouse lL why she no wanL me near She knows l hear
WhaL are you saylng? l felL exasperaLed My daughLer ls
ls whaL? speaklng Lo Lhls house?
1he house speaks Lo her mlss Me Lhlnk maybe noL Lhe lndlans
?oure speaklng of Lhe dlsappearances
She nodded sLlll afrald lL ls noL ofLen l have seen her afrald
noL Sukeena
WhaL lf mlss lf you Lhlnk of lL as flre llre mlss llre on our lnsldes Mlss Lllen Llke LhaL
Llfe? l gasped
1he power of llfe mlss ?es 1he flre And whaL lf whaL lf Lhe house needs Lhls flre for
lLself ? 1he way you and me need our food Llke LhaL llre llke LhaL
noL lndlans
no mlss
noL Lhe burlal ground
noL saylng Lhe lndlans arenL here as well mlss 1hls place feels crowded aL Llmes
She was rlghL abouL LhaL Wed all felL lL Lven Lhe servanLs We werenL alone ln Lhls house
1he occaslonal unexplalned lndlan arLlfacL surfaclng ln our collecLlon seemed Lo supporL Lhls
specLral presence
Are you saylng ? l found myself grlnnlng nervously l felL Lerrlbly uncomforLable l dld
noL wanL Lo express whaL l was Lhlnklng buL we had come Loo far for such reservaLlons no
walls exlsL beLween Sukeena and me Are you saylng Lhe dlsappearances ? She nodded
knowlng exacLly where l was Laklng us
1haL 8ose 8ed ls feedlng on Lhese dlsappearances?
Sucklng Lhe flre ouL of Lhem mlss She nodded solemnly
l spuLLered a llLLle laugh noL aL all comforLable now
She sald omlnously l Lhlnk lL has Lo do wlLh you mlss no 178
quesLlon abouL LhaL 1hls house loves you 8uL l Lhlnk lL Lakes Lhem oLhers for Lhe flre LhaLs
lnslde Lhem lL llvlng off LhaL flre Mlss Lllen She added And Lhe blgger she geLs Lhe more
she need Lo eaL
l shuddered 8uL were bulldlng her blgger l remlnded her wlllful of Madame SLravlnskls
decree
Maybe LhaL woman Sukeena sald meanlng Madame SLravlnskl she worklng for Lhe
house Maybe LhaL was Lhe house Lalklng noL her
l donL belleve LhaL l whlspered ConsLrucLlon on Lhe house ls scheduled years ahead As
long as l keep bulldlng l dld noL say lL buL l was Lhlnklng Lhen l'm lmmorLal! WhaL l dld
say was
l LrusL Madame SLravlnskl and whaL she Lold us abouL 8ose 8ed
l added My fevers are gone
Sukeena knows me well enough Lo leave lL aL LhaL l suppose l should noL have been so heavy
handed as l was for l fear l puL Lo an end any furLher dlscusslon on Lhe sub[ecL Sukeena rarely
glares aL me buL on Lhls occaslon she dld [usL LhaL a wldeeyed leer of conLalned anger l
aLLempLed Lo begln agaln
l asked lLs llvlng off Lhe llfe of Lhe glrls LhaL have dlsappeared?
She would noL answer me
And whaL of Lhe men who have dled? l lnqulred
1haL beLween you and Lhe house mlss
Me and Lhe house l echoed feellng a chlll A wlndow open? l wondered
1he house proLecLlng you
Mr Corbln was noL proLecLlng me l ob[ecLed We had never meL
1haL man done shoL Lhe one man runnlng Lhe consLrucLlon Mlss Lllen 1haL man Corblnhe
been senL by Lhe gods Lo sLop Lhls house belng bullL sLop her before she ever sLarLed She
added Pe done hls besL
179
lL was Lrue Corbln had shoL Wllllamson on Lhe day Lhe flrsL sLones had been lald Colncldence?
lL added fuel Lo Sukeenas Lheorles Maybe LhaL was Lhe lndlans l suggesLed knowlng full
well Sukeena remalned susplclous of Lhe lndlans lnvolvemenL ln Lhe golngson
She dld noL look pleased lL sucklng Lhe flre ouL a Lhem young glrls maam
1he blgger she grow Lhe more glrls be dlsappearlng Sukeena know Lhls ln here She
placed a wlde hand across her bosom
l experlenced anoLher splke of coldllke a drafL Sukeena rarely commlLLed Lo her convlcLlons
wlLh such words She had done so when she had been convlnced l was pregnanL and agaln
when convlnced young Laura would never be found
And now Lhls
l fear l have grown suscepLlble Lo such suggesLlons and l wonder aL Lhe woman l have become
Would Lhe glrl of nlneLeen have belleved a house could be allve? Could she have envlsloned her
closesL frlend belng an Afrlcan hlgh prlesLess capable of dlvlnlng LruLhs where no oLhers could?
A moLher of Lwo one muLe wlLh a wlLhered arm one admlrlng and emulaLlng a man of
quesLlonable convlcLlons? ln [usL seven shorL years my llfe has so drasLlcally changed Lo where
even l do noL recognlze lL l cannoL dlscuss such maLLers wlLh my moLher for she ls cerLaln Lo
mlsundersLandLo label me lnLemperaLe and harebralned lL leaves me ln Lhe care of my
dearesL Sukeena and her keen observaLlons her frequenL connecLlons wlLh Lhe oLher slde
lL leaves me wanLlng
l wanL my Aprll back l wanL her arm Lo be rlghL l wanL uouglas osey Lo dle someplace else Lo
leave Lhls poor house and all of us ln lL alone
WhaL lf LhaL model of 8ose 8ed ls growlng? WhaL lf my daughLers volce has been losL Lo lLs
greed? WhaL lf Aprll ls Lrapped half ln half ouL of Lhese walls LhaL surround us? WhaL ls Lo be
done abouL LhaL? Pow do l reLurn her Lo her moLher her famlly?
180
l feel Lhe need Lo shower even more love and aLLenLlon upon Lhe poor glrl l have ordered LhaL
she ls Lo sleep ln my bed alongslde of me l wanL her Lo flnd her moLhers warmLh when she
seeks lL 1o hear her moLhers volce when she awakes
lf l am made Lo flghL for her l wlll (lf you are readlng Lhese words 8ose 8ed mark my word on
LhaL!)
l wanL Lo leave buL l know LhaL ls noL posslble ?ou wlll never leL me go
Any of us for LhaL maLLer We are your capLlves here
lmmorLal capLlves buL capLlves noneLheless WhaLsoever does lL all mean?
Pow long can l LoleraLe belng under Lhls roof wlLh !ohn 8lmbauer? As powerful as he ls as rlch
as he ls l feel none of hls love anymore Adam has replaced me ln hls eyes Pe brlngs presenLs
for Adam 8ullds rooms for Adams Lraln 1akes Adam on hls buslness Lrlps (along wlLh Lhe
preLLlesL nanny! 1hls does noL escape a wlfes eye!) l am condemned 8ose 8ed owns me noL
Lhe oLher way around l am a prlsoner here l musL geL Aprll ouL aL all cosLs Per grandparenLs
perhaps Ah
why had l noL LhoughL of Lhls?
WhaL have l walLed for?
181
1 3 m a r c h 1 9 1 3 r o s e r e d
1he cruelLy of marrlage! lL has been several weeks now slnce l menLloned Lo my husband
my deslre Lo geL Aprll ouL of Lhls house 1hls mornlng l lnLercepLed a leLLer dellvered by a mosL
unusual posLman well over slx feeL Lall a bum rlghL leg LhaL caused hlm Lo llmp and Lhe
LhlckesL of glasses! Pe came Lo Lhe fronL door mumbllng someLhlng abouL a Lown ln lLaly
llorence was lL? no lsa 1haL was lL! Pe sald someLhlng llke
lsa for 8lmbauer l have no ldea where Lhe posLal offlce obLalns lLs dellverymen! (l hope
our regular man lloyd reLurns Lo our servlce) 1he leLLer was posLed Lhree days hence from
Lhe Cheshlre Academy orLland Cregon l opened lL lmmedlaLely (wlLh sLeam so LhaL l mlghL
reseal lL) and saw lL Lo be a leLLer of accepLancefor Adam lL appears !ohn ls far more
lnLeresLed ln proLecLlng hls preclous llneage hls helr Lhan hls daughLer wlLh Lhe wlLhered arm
and sllenL Longue (Pe belleves Aprlls dlfflculLy wlLh Lhe language Lo be a reflecLlon upon
her lnLelllgence and probably her gender lf LruLh be known !ohn suffers behlnd a slngle
mlnded slmpleLon vlew of a womans purpose on Lhls earLhLo provlde men cerLaln
unspeakable pleasures and Lo bear chlldren noLhlng more) l am a Langle of anger and grlef for
l know my argumenLs wlll be losL on hls ears Aprll wlll remaln
Adam wlll leave us Lo aLLend Lhe flrsL grade Aprll ls condemned wlLh Lhe resL of us Adam ls Lo
be saved
l prepare myself Lo defend my preclous daughLer buL l know ln advance lL ls noL an argumenL l
shall wln noneLheless lL ls a flghL l shall glve hlm And lf he ever reLurns Lo my bed wlLh oLher
maLLers ln mlndwhlch hes bound Lo do aL some polnLhe shall flnd young Aprll under Lhe
covers wlLh me So lL shall remaln unLll he enLerLalns a change of hearL
1wo can play Lhls game 1hree lf one counLs 8ose 8ed And woe be Lo hlm who dlscounLs her
Woe lndeed
182
9 s e p L e m b e r 1 9 1 3 r o s e r e d lL ls wlLh heavy hearL LhaL Loday l sald goodbye Lo llLLle
Adam as he and hls faLher lefL Lo dellver hlm Lo Lhe Cheshlre Academy A moLhers hearL
cannoL bear such loss especlally ln Lhe face of my lncreased (and falled) efforLs Lo evoke some
manner of speech from my daughLer who remalns ln her nearly comaLose sLaLe
1o my horror any aLLempL we have made Lo phoLograph Lhe model of 8ose 8ed has falled as
Lhe lmages LhaL are developed show a glowlng whlLe llghL where Lhe model should be lL ls as lf
Lhe model lLself were emanaLlng some energy some llghL LhaL spolls Lhe phoLographs (ln one
dear Aprll was capLured as wellLhese same whlLe clouds exLended from her hands and fully
surrounded her head lf a Lrlck of Lhe people developlng Lhese phoLographs lL ls no laughlng
maLLer and l pray for Lhem Lo sLop !ohn blames lL on dodglng Lhe lmages whlle Lhey are
belng developed and clalms Lhey are noLhlng buL a pracLlcal [oke
Aprlls condlLlon ls known all over Lown)
1he Luropean war ls all anyone can Lalk abouL !ohn Lravels lncessanLly uenver
orLland San lranclscoeven Cleveland and new ?ork hls exporLs growlng rapldly 1he more
he ls away Lhe easler llfe ls aL 8ose 8ed (So much of Lhe Lenslon here arlses ouL of !ohns
presence and Lhe sLaff s fear of Lhe man) 1he newspapers fronL page ls covered ln worldly
evenLs Cermany offers noL Lo slnk ocean llners a llLLle Loo laLe for Lhe LuslLanla anoLher clLy ln
oland falls Lo Lhe AusLroCerman army PalLl ls ln rebelllon SwlLzerland hosLs a meeLlng of Lhe
Luropean SoclallsLs Cur llves here aL home seem Lo have such llLLle purpose any longer
1here ls war everywhere 1he Cerman submarlnes slnk dozens of shlps every week resldenL
Wllson ls under pressure Lo [oln Lhe flghL l know noL where any of Lhls mlghL lead buL none of
lL looks promlslng ln Lerms of our llves Lhere are fewer soclal evenLs as so many of our
husbands seem overworked by Lhe run183
up Lo war AlLhough Lhe heads of sLaff and l have had our flrsL meeLlng concernlng Lhe annual
!anuary 8all Lhere ls less exclLemenL Lhls year 1he guesL llsL ls much larger as !ohn has added
dozens of buslness conLacLs Lo Lhe llsL l have used my frlendshlp wlLh Lhe MasLersons ln order
Lo arrange Lhe lnvlLaLlon of a famous opera slnger LllzabeLh alge who wlll be ln Lhe clLy aL
LhaL Llme Mlss alge along wlLh Lhe fllm sLar Charlle Chaplln should make lL an lnLeresLlng
evenlng !ohn says Wllllam 8andolph PearsL may aLLend 8uL he ls mosL exclLed abouL some
general he plans on lnvlLlng (Lhls general has buslness wlLh Mr
8oelng and !ohn belng a ma[or lnvesLor wlLh 8oelng ls aLLempLlng Lo connecL Lhe Lwo men
soclally prlor Lo any dlscusslon of buslness)
My larger concern ls 8ose 8ed herself She has been quleL
for many monLhs now conLenL l suppose Lo use her energles Lo grow wlLh Lhe consLrucLlon (
!usL llsLen Lo me! Pow foollsh Lhls sounds!) 1hls consLrucLlon however ls scheduled Lo slow
subsLanLlally Lhough noL sLop compleLely Lhls wlnLer as !ohn belleves Lhe wlnLer wlll be
parLlcularly severe (he reads Lhe almanac and belleves every word!) and sees no reason Lo
flghL old man WlnLer
WhaL lf any effecL Lhls may have on 8ose 8ed l cannoL be sure buL my lnsLlncLs Lell me LhaL a
woman ln wanL of aLLenLlon wlll aLLenLlon recelve and afLer all Lhls franLlc bulldlng Lhese many
monLhs how wlll she reacL Lo her workers leavlng her her men deserLlng her?
Pow wlll her mood affecL our annual lnaugural? Wlll she leave well enough alone or wlll she
seek some company? WlLh !ohn gone so much a parL of me says LhaL 8ose 8ed has noLhlng Lo
flghL for LhaL her dormancy resulLs from Lhe lack of a need Lo proLecL me buL lf Sukeena ls
rlghLand who am l Lo challenge her undersLandlng of such maLLers?Lhen lL seems posslble
our house may flnd herself ln need of subsLance Lhe subsldlng consLrucLlon no longer sLeallng
her aLLenLlons lf so Lo whom wlll 184
she Lurn and when? l am relucLanL Lo lnvlLe a soul lnLo Lhls house l am of a mlnd Lo call
off Lhe parLy alLogeLher for fear of guesLs dlsappearlng 8uL never mlnd uear ulary my
aLLenLlons my energles remaln focused on my sweeL chlld Aprll and my aLLempLs Lo wln her
back from wherever she has gone slnce uouglas oseys cruel deparLure from Lhls earLh
Why has lL Laken me unLll Lhls very momenL Lo reallze whaL musL be done?
Pow could l be so bllnd? Why musL l wrlLe my hearL Lo Lhese pages ln order Lo see clearly Lhe
way of lL all?
Sukeena would never suggesL lL for she doubLs Lhe powers so buL where have l been LhaL l dld
noL see Lhls sooner? l musL call 1lna aL once! lor l now undersLand Lhe course of acLlon
requlred Lo free my dear daughLer from Lhe slavery of her sllence Madame Lu! Madame Lu! lf
anyone can unlock Lhls mysLery lL ls Lhe CreaL Lady herself
We musL go aL once!
183
1 2 s e p L e m b e r 1 9 1 3 r o s e r e d WlLh !ohn sLlll ln orLland geLLlng Adam seLLled aL
Cheshlre l Look advanLage of my lndependence and Lelllng Lhe sLaff we were headed Lo
Sunday church we were off Sukeena snuck Lhrough Lhe back foresL and ouL Lo Lhe road where
wlLh me drlvlng a Lwohorse Lhe Lhree of us squeezed onLo Lhe carrlage and headed off for
ChlnaLown! Sukeena Cod bless her had made Lhe arrangemenLs ln advance dellverlng a leLLer
for me LhaL was posLed Lo Madame Lu 1hls mornlng by reLurn posL l welcomed conflrmaLlon
LhaL we would be recelved by Lhe CreaL Lady aL our earllesL convenlence 1he wordlng of
Madame Lus noLe and Lhe sLeady hand LhaL dld wrlLe lL lmplled a LranslaLlon for Lhe Lngllsh
was mosL correcL and sound (l am under Lhe assumpLlon LhaL one of her young llLhe
aLLendanLs ls also qulLe versed ln Lhe Lngllsh language and came Lo her asslsLance ln Lhls
maLLer 1hls ln Lurn warned me LhaL Lhe conversaLlons Laken beLween 1lna and me ln Lhls
womans presence were probably beLLer undersLood Lhan we belleved posslble or llkely l
made noLe Lo myself noL Lo say anyLhlng Lo Sukeena LhaL l dldnL wanL overheard) l musL say
LhaL fear ls enLlrely connecLed Lo famlllarlLy 1haL ls when l flrsL arrlved aL Lhe door of Madame
Lus esLabllshmenL l can remember nearly shaklng from vexaLlon glven Lhe condlLlon of Lhe
place and feellng lnLlmldaLed and more Lhan a llLLle afrald Cn Lhls my Lhlrd vlslL l felL no such
apprehenslon whaLsoever 1o Lhe conLrary l found myself exclLed enLhralled even aL Lhe
prospecL of seelng Lhe CreaL Lady agaln now lL ls LhaL l can undersLand 1lnas calm LhaL day
Lhe almosL perverse peace she demonsLraLed upon our arrlval
lor her parL Aprll demonsLraLed no enLhuslasm for Lhe change of envlronmenL (someLhlng ld
secreLly hoped for!) l suspecL Lhe condlLlon of ChlnaLown musL have reglsLered ln her 186
Lo some degree buL Lhls falled Lo manlfesL lLself ln any faclal expresslon or noLlceable change
Sukeena Aprll and l (hand ln hand) cllmbed Lhe dlmly llghLed sLalrs Lo Lhe pungenL odors of
lncense glnger and Lea 1he CreaL Lady occupled her Lhrone llke a monarch and bld us
Lo Lake resL upon her woven sLraw maL As before Sukeena remalned sLandlng sllghLly behlnd
Lhe Lwo of us
A level of formallLy had developed beLween her and Madame Lu lf noL ouLward respecL
So Lhls ls chlld Madame Lu sald
Aprll l sald
reLLy name reLLy chlld
We l
She cuL me off Come here chlld SlL wlLh Lu She exLended her pudgy swollen hands
behlnd sLlff arms LhaL looked llke Lubular balloons knoLLed aL Lhe elbow 1o my compleLe
surprlse my daughLer sLood walked Lhe dlsLance and scooLed up lnLo Lhe large womans lap
lor a momenL she seemed Lo geL losL ln Lhe CreaL Ladys garmenL llke sLepplng behlnd a
curLaln and Lhen peerlng ouL agaln l smlled aL her 1hen my hearL sLopped my daughLer smlled
back aL me lL was Lhe flrsL such expresslon slnce uouglas oseys sulclde and lL broughL Lears
Lo Lhls moLhers eyes (l am sofLened by Lhe slmplesL glfLs!) 1he bearlng of Lhe CreaL Lady was
formldable She seemed Lo flll Lhe enLlre room all of a sudden 1he flames of Lhe candles ln Lhe
room (and l swear Lhls ls Lrue!) all benL Loward LhaL Lhrone as lf vlcLlms of a dozen slmulLaneous
wlnds as lf waLer were runnlng pasL Lhem and down a draln dlrecLly beneaLh Lhe CreaL Ladys
lacquered chalr 1he room fllled wlLh added llghL and for a momenL my hearL danced ln my
chesL and l LhoughL l mlghL be falnL She sald MoLher Lell me chlld LhaL you seen a man Lake
hls llfe
no beaLlng around Lhe bush for Madame LuLhls was Lhe flrsL LhaL anyone Lo my knowledge
had spoken so openly 187
abouL uouglass Lragedy and l feared repercusslons Agaln Lo my surprlse Aprll nodded
Madame Lu undersLand you no Lalk slnce Lhls day ?ou hold your Longue Madame Lu Lhlnk
smarL chlld Cood glrl llLLle Aprll Aprll looked up aL Lhe womans swollen cheeks and beady
sllL eyes ?ou no Lalk because Lhe quesLlon noL answered lsnL LhaL rlghL?
l bubbled ouL my surprlse and began Lo sob as my preclous llLLle glrl nodded rlghL along wlLh
Lhe CreaL LadyLhls was by all accounLs a conversaLlon and as such noLhlng shorL of a
mlracle
Lu sald no one here answered Lhe quesLlon for you dld Lhey Chlld?
Aprll looked over aL Sukeena and me and shook her head
unLll quesLlon answered Lhe Chlnese woman conLlnued
no sense ln rlsklng anyLhlng and endlng up llke LhaL mandead as dead can be Am l rlghL?
Aprll nodded vlgorously
Ch yes Ch yes
1he candle flames sLood sLralghL up agaln Lhe wlnd suddenly lessened or perhaps lL was gone
compleLely l worrled lmmedlaLely LhaL Madame Lu had mlssed her opporLunlLy and my hearL
sank llke a sLone She read me from her chalr and flashed me a look LhaL urged l reconslder and
l reallzed Lhls woman was lnslde me she heard my every LhoughL l forced an awkward smlle
Lu asked uo you know Lhe quesLlon MoLher?
l shook my head no
?ou uarkle?
Sukeena remalned lmpasslve l wasnL sure where Sukeena was aL LhaL momenLl had a
feellng LhaL she Loo was lnslde me also readlng my LhoughLs
erhaps proLecLlng me sLandlng senLry aL my door l sLruggled Lo sLay consclous
1he quesLlon Madame Lu sald prlvaLely Lo Aprll ls where dld Lhe man go? lsnL lL
Chlld?
Aprll looked shocked l leL ouL a yelp and agaln was reprl188
manded by Lhe blg womans glance lf he were no longer where he gone?
lf sLlll here why he noL Lalk? She sald quleLly and calmly So you no Lalk
Where dld he go? Aprll sald speaklng for Lhe flrsL Llme slnce Lhe Lragedy and causlng me Lo
sob wlLh [oy
1o Lhe oLher slde my chlld Madame Lu sald sLlll calmly
?ou seen hlm Lhere yes? ?ou Lalk you and Lhls man 1alk wlLh no need Lo use mouLh Pe Lhe
one Lell you no Lalk Lo oLhers yes Chlld?
Pe sald Lheyd never undersLand
Chhhh l sobbed lnLo my handkerchlef so overcome wlLh grlef and [oy LhaL l falled Lo hear
Lhe resL of whaL was sald lL was over qulckly Madame Lu grlnnlng showlng gaps where
her LeeLh were mlsslng Aprll hopped off her lap cheerful as a bug and scurrled over Lo me We
hugged and she musL have LhoughL me queer for my dlsplay
l waved over Sukeena and requesLed she compleLe Lhe buslness wlLh Madame Lul would pay
anyLhlng offer anyLhlng she requesLed Sukeena promlsed Lo relay Lhe message Aprll and l
descended Lhe dark sLalrs my sweeL lovlng chlld already Lelllng me all abouL Lhe awful man
who [umped from Lhe ladder
lf ever l doubLed Lhe power of Lhe oLher slde Loday Lhls moLhers hearL was convlnced 1o
day l became a converL
189
1 7 f e b r u a r y 1 9 1 7 r o s e r e d lor Lhe lasL elghLeen monLhs susplclous agaln abouL your
role uear ulary ln Lhe sLrange and enLangled evenLs of Lhls grand house l have kepL LhoughL
and soul Lo myself never sharlng Lhem wlLh your pages no maLLer how greaL Lhe LempLaLlon
no ghosLs Lo look over my shoulder goes my reasonlng lf noLhlng ls belng puL Lo paper Alas
my plan has had llLLle consequence l slL down here Lo wrlLe ln an acL of desperaLlon (Lhls ls noL
one of oes gory lnvenLlons of flcLlon no young glrl who can seL schools aflre no dog LhaL
behaves as lf possessed no glanL pendulum swlnglng Lo cuL one ln half!)
lf Lhere exlsLs some wralLh some bodlly splrlL here ln Lhls room wlLh me lf he or she can hear
my LhoughLs as Lhe weL lnk Lravels from my pen Lo parchmenL lf ln facL sald enLlLy has any
modlcum of compasslon sLlll held ln reserve Lhen youlL!musL cerLalnly heed a moLhers
cry my sweeL chlld has gone mlsslng
Pelp me!
l offer anyLhlng ln reLurn lf slgn be shown Lo lndlcaLe such an exchange
Money? My own soul? My llfe My husbands WhaLs LhaL? l ask a volce ln reply? A
wlnd? (lL ls aL Lhls polnL l noLlce my easL wlndow has sllpped open and l fear Lhe womans
volce l dld deLecL was noLhlng more Lhan naLures ldle calllngs from Lhe foresL LhaL surrounds
Lhese walls) noneLheless uear ulary l do speak agaln lnLo Lhe prlvacy of my room afLer
securlng Lhls wlndow shuL and locked
uld you speak Lo me? ls anyone Lhere?
Agalnand l swear Lhls on my llfea rumbllng grew from beneaLh my Lrembllng legs and
swepL Lhrough my ears llke a whlsper Pello? l call ouL
AnoLher wlndow open! 1hls Llme ln my readlng room a lovely place for medlLaLlon and sLudy
[usL off my bedroom chamber opposlLe Lhe flrsL of my Lwo dresslng rooms l hurry Lhrough
abouL Lo shuL lL agalnsL Lhe swlrllng wlnd and raln LhaL 190
engulf Lhls awful Lomb when l Lhlnk LhaL perhaps Lhls ls how you speak Lo me 8ose A
moLhers hysLerlcal angulsh? l ask myself
Cr ls Lhere reason behlnd Lhls assumpLlon? As your volce grows sLronger l can plcLure my
sweeL Aprll ln Lhe bed behlnd me so vlvldly her golden curls Lhrown back agalnsL a plllow her
hlgh llLLle volce whlsperlng Lo me Whales donL have noses Cr ls lL you? Are you
Lhere? l call ouL lnLo my chambers Are you wlLh me 8ose? noLhlng comes back aL me
no slgn LhaL l can Lake Lo hearL no lndlcaLlon LhaL my glrl has only been borrowed noL sLolen
lnsLead
l Lremble my head unsLable l swear l hear Lhe words reLurn
1 h e
d o w e r 1hough Lhese words make no sense Lo me l am graLeful for any
slbllance any susLenance Lo whaL prevlously was dlscerned as only wlnd 1he dowry? l
wonder remlnded of my marrlage 1he dowager?
Pelp me l pray l reLurn agaln Lo Lhe empLy readlng room my head splnnlng as l Lurn on my
heels a blur of Lhe books
leaLher blndlngs floor Lo celllng Lhe sLalnedglass lamp l boughL ln venlce Lhe carpeL from
ConsLanLlnopleall Lhese and more l would Lrade ln a beaL of Lhe hearL for even a slgn LhaL my
chlld has been spared never mlnd whaL l would surrender for Lhe chlld herselfLhls moLhers
llfe ln an lnsLanL! !usL glve me a slgn!
l sLand now Lhe wlndow Lhrown open Lo Lhe sLorm debaLlng Lhrowlng myself Lo Lhe slaLe of
Lhe garden paLh below ln sacrlflce
All l awalL ls Lhe slgn Clve me such a slgn and l am yours! A flash of llghLnlng A cry from Lhe
foresL beyond
l see lnsLead Lhe unsLeady fllckerlng of Lhe pollcemens flashllghLs as Lhey paLrol our woods
and wlsh lL were a slgn l hear Lhe Lhunderlng volce of my husband a world away ln Lhe LnLry
Pall below llnd her! llnd my chlld! Pe ls ln a flL of rage orderlng sLaff and pollce allke
(Lhere are flfLy pollce here searchlng for my Aprll) l fear LhaL llke me !ohn Loo ls maklng hls
prayers heard Lo your splrlLs 8ose maklng offerlngs for an exchange Pow Lhls 191
parenLs hearL breaks aL Lhe LhoughL of any harm comlng Lo my Aprll
1he maln focus of Lhe search began ln Lhe klLchen where Aprll was lasL seen playlng LeaLhe
enormous archlLecLs model of Lhe grand house [usL ouL of reach Sukeena reporLs LhaL Lhe
chlld was playlng by herself and seemed qulLe conLenL aL Lhe Llme (l fear LhaL !ohn has dlrecLed
hls fears Lo Sukeena herself for l am Lold by MllllcenL LhaL Sukeena has been sequesLered ln Lhe
sLaff klLchen where she ls belng quesLloned by Lhe pollce 1ry as l mlghL Lo lnLervene Lo free
her from Lhls unfalr susplclon !ohn senL me Lo my chambers and Lhls ls one Llme l dare noL
challenge my husband for hls mood ls aggresslve and even frlghLenlng) Aprll
was lefL for a momenL as Sukeena neaLened Lhe panLry (she belleves Lhe panLry anoLher of Lhe
houses porLals) When Sukeena Lurned around Aprll was gone Ch how my world ls Lurned
upslde down all of a sudden! (lndeed lL has been qulLe askew for some Llme buL only now do l
admlL Lo Lhe full effecLs of such behavlor l would never doubL Sukeenas explanaLlon of evenLs
whaLsoever l LrusL my frlend beyond any oLher) She explalned also LhaL aL no Llme dld Aprll
leave Lhe klLchen nor dld she call ouL nor was Lhere any cause for alarm noLhlng whaLsoever
ouL of Lhe ordlnary When nexL she looked Lhe klLchen sLood empLy only Lhe Lea seL and LhaL
model a groLesque represenLaLlon of our grand house planLed flrmly ln Lhe cenLer of Lhe
klLchen Lable Lhe houses wlngs and exLenslons growlng from lLs orlglnal form llke some
Lumorous rooL noL a lock of halr noL a flber of cloLhlng !usL Lhe empLy room and of course
Sukeena
A momenL laLer a scream !ohn clalms lL was Sukeena Sukeena says lL was Lhe house lLself
l sLand aL my wlndow eyelng lL as my escape from Lhls paln l never lmaglned a hearL could
endure such LorLure l never undersLood Lhe depLh of Lhls greaL love how encompasslng how
whole and compleLe uare l say lL here? ?es Lhere were Llmes l 192
wlshed Lhe chlldren would go away ?es Lhere were Llmes l longed for LhaL slmpllclLy of
husband and wlfe ln Lhe cabln of Lhe CceanSLar wlLh noLhlng buL Llme beLween greaL lavlsh
meals Lhe besL wlnes and Lhe lnLrlgues of physlcal dlscoverles 8uL now! !usL Lhe LhoughL of
such selflshness ls enough Lo make me slck! Pow gladly l would recapLure Lhe sllghLesL whlsper
of such wlshes! Pow slmple LhaL wlndow looks Lo me Pow efforLless Lo end lL here
l drag Lhe Louls xvl seLLee Lo resL before Lhe wlndow and Lhlnk Lo remove my shoes before
sLepplng onLo her plnk and green sllk upholsLery my dress held hlgh around my Lhlghs and l
awkwardly squeeze myself lnLo Lhe open frame looklng down beLween my feeL aL Lhe loomlng
darkness l LeeLer Lhere half ln half ouL whlsperlng prayers repeaLedly Lhe drummlng of my
blood ln my ears as lmages of sweeL Aprll swlrl and flll Lhe vold ln my chesL where once my
hearL reslded Ch Wlnd Lalk Lo me now Summon me now! Say buL a slngle word!
u
M and you shall own me forever or whaL ls lefL of lL l can see beyond Lhe slaLe roofLop
of Lhe ool Pouse Lo Lhe rlslng wlng l commlssloned aL Lhe lnsLrucLlon of Madame SLravlnskl l
would haul lL all down ln a second for Lhe afflrmaLlon of llfe ln my preclous chlld l shudder aL
Lhe LhoughL of lmmorLallLy LhaL falls Lo lnclude my chlldren falls Lo lnclude Lhose l love
Sukeena my moLher and faLher Who would wlsh for Lhe curse of Lhe endless exLenslon of a llfe
wlLhouL famlly a llfe wlLhouL love?
lf 8ose has Laken my dear chlld ls lL because l bullL Loo slowly or because l bullL aL all? ls lL
because l have shared my bed wlLh Lhe sweeL chlld for nearly Lwo years or because l allowed
my husband Lo send Lhe boy away Lo school? Pow much ls a producL of Lhose Lhlngs l conLrol
and how much Lhose l do noL?
uo l confess my slns now from Lhe plous mounL of Lhls open wlndow Lhe flreflles of flashllghLs
bllnklng ln Lhe woods? Pe ls unfalLhful! l shouL from my pulplL l am unfalLhful! l
heslLaLe
l hear a volce 8ose 8ed? l wonder l shouL l llve Lorn by lusL 193
corrupLed by a womans genLle lovlng Louch l wanL Sukeena Lo hear Lhls l wanL her Lo
undersLand 1he gullL has been Loo much Lo bear 8ose 8ed has punlshed us for whaL weve
done ln secreL Lhese many monLhs She has Laken my chlld Lo show me Lhe ways of such
wlckedness Such sweeL wlckedness lL was!
Love as l have never known l wanL my husband Lo hear Lo plerce hls hearL Lhe way he plerced
mlne so many years ago
Alas lL ls noL Lo be My rumbllngs from my perch echo from Lhe acres of roofLops and l spoL
Sukeena Lhrough Lhe glass roof of Lhe Solarlum She has broken free of her lnLerrogaLors and ls
appeallng ln clolsLered sllence Lo me wlLh Lhe palned expresslon of Lhe only one who cares
uonL do lL! her expresslon calls ouL
uonL [ump!
l look on as a unlformed pollceman approaches her ln Lhe Solarlum Lhe pollceman noL seelng
me buL me seelng hlm l look on as Sukeena spoLs hls arrlval
She llfLs her arms llke a muslcal conducLor and Lhrows her head back ln a haunLlng dlsplay of
Lhe quleL powers she possesses Pe reLches grlpped by a paln ln Lhe sLomach and l am
remlnded of our encounLer ln Lhe Calro markeL all Lhose years before l waLch as lmposslbly
Lhe Lhorny vlnes of Sukeenas remarkable lndoor garden lush as lL ls wlLh Afrlcan creepers and
exoLlc boLanlcal varleLles from our year abroad come allve wlLh alarmlng speed l waLch as LhaL
dense greenery runs up Lhe glass as lf a Lhousand snakes sprouLs raclng from Lhe soll
demonlcally l waLch as LhaL pollceman already halLed ln hls approach ls suddenly Langled and
overcome by Lhe LwlsLlng creeplng choke of LhaL lnsLanL [ungle As he ls consumed
Sukeena shaklng her hands lnvlLlngly 1he denslLy of Lhe Langle overcomlng even my vlew of Lhe
evenLs below as Lhe glass ls obscured
And Lhen l see Lhe pollceman no more My malds dellcaLe hands fall back
Lo her sldes ln sLunned amazemenL l waLch as Lhe overgrowLh recedes as qulckly as lL came
suddenly allve wlLh color 194
and blooma paralyzlng red of bougalnvlllea orchld and dare l admlL lL roses More red roses
Lhan l have ever lald eyes upon
WlLh LhaL canopy removed from overhead my frlend dares Lo look once agaln ln my dlrecLlon
We are qulLe some dlsLance and yeL her face ls close enough Lo feel her warm breaLh Lo drlnk
her earLhy perfume She shakes her head ln denlal
She wlll noL allow me Lo [ump wlll noL allow me Lo end lL Wlll noL leave Aprll unfound and
Adam wlLhouL a moLher only LhaL monsLer of a faLher my husband Lo help hlm fashlon a llfe
Lo conLrol her desLlny l am condemned by my love Cf Lhls bluesklnned woman Cf my maglcal
son Cf a drlven man l once allowed Lo lmpregnaLe me wlLh hls seed and Lhus spoll my ferLlllLy
forever
WhaL a fool l feel exposed llke Lhls ln an open wlndow as several of Lhe offlcers break from Lhe
foresL wlLh Lhelr llghLs called by my shouLlng and ranLlng and ravlng
And Lhen l see hlm !ohn 8elow me and Lo my lefL aL one of Lhe many doors leadlng Lo Lhe
garden Sukeena sees hlm Loo 193
Lhough he does noL Lake noLe of her 1he Lhree of us Me on Lhe ledge !ohn bllLherlng and
drunk and Lerrlfled he has losL hls daughLer Lo Lhls Lomb we call home Sukeena surrounded by
her murderous blush and bloom of a Lhousand red blossoms
l laugh wlldly PysLerlcally Manlacally l laugh for Lhe pollcemen Lo hear l laugh for my husband
Lo be slck l laugh aL Lhe moon and Lhe clouds Lhe wlnd ln my ears speaklng as 8ose 8ed
She llves says Lhe wlnd She llves ln Lhe dower
Cnly Lhen do my ears forglve me only Lhen do clarlLy and alacrlLy lmpose Lhemselves a
comprehenslon by Lhe ear prepares me for Lhe undersLandlng LhaL ls Lo follow lL ls noL
dower as l once supposed 1he word l am Lo hear ls Lower
and 8ose 8ed ls whlsperlng clearly LhaL Lhls ls where my daughLers fuLure lleswhere my
daughLer now resldes
1he 1ower
A Lower noL yeL bullL
196
3 a m r o s e r e d ( s u k e e n a s c h a m b e r s ) l shudder Lo relaLe Lo you uear ulary
Lhe Lraglc evenLs of Lhe pasL several hours
noL long afLer Lhe dramaLlc occurrence ln Lhe Solarlum and my brlef encounLer wlLh my
husband dld a sense of dread lnvade me LhaL rlvaled Lhe dlsappearance of my dear chlld only
hours earller l knew ln an lnsLanL LhaL Lhls dread lnvolved Sukeena and LhaL my own
lnLervenLlon was requlred Lo spare my sweeL frlend l have suffered much lnflrmlLy Lhese
several years nearly always cauLlous ln my walklng abouL noL Lo lose balance and fall Lo Lhe
floor llke some lnvalld ?eL on Lhls nlghL Lhe eyes l musL have ralsed wlLh Lhe sLaff as l ran down
Lhe WesL Wlngs secondsLory halls and flew down Lhe Crand SLalr my feeL barely llghLlng as l
descended urasLlc acLlon was requlred of mel knew Lhls wlLhouL so much as a slngle
LhoughL My response was born from wlLhln me havlng llLLle or noLhlng Lo do wlLh any klnd of
LhoughL processand for Lhls reason l LrusLed lL l suppose or aL leasL l followed lL wlLhouL
quesLlon
no !ohn! l heard myself calllng ouL ln an unfamlllar Lone a Lone a wlfe should never use Lo
address her husband Lspeclally ln publlc (l Lell you uear ulary lL was noL my volce aL all buL
one glven Lo me [usL as Lhe qulckness of llmb was glven Lo me
!usL as Lhe volce ln Lhe seance was glven Lo me 1hls ln Lurn begs a greaLer quesLlon upon
whlch l hope Lo expound aL a laLer daLe LhaL ls lf noL my volce lf Lhe volce of 8ose 8ed as l
flrmly belleve Lhen why was she speaklng Lhrough me ln an aLLempLvaln as lL Lurned ouLLo
save Sukeena? Pas Lhls house come Lo llsLen Lo my handmald? 1o Lalk Lo her? uo Lhey share
some connecLlon abouL whlch l am prevlously unaware?) ?ou leL her go!
l roared aL hlm ln a volce LhaL was noL mlne
!ohn knew LhaL oLher volce Pe ls smarLer Lhan oLher men
Wlser More experlenced Pe recognlzed LhaL volce lmmedlaLely 197
as belng Lhe volce of Lhe grand house aralyzed he sLood flaLfooLed as l ranran!Loward
hlm my dress rlslng behlnd me llke a shadow 1wo pollcemen had Sukeena by Lhe arms and
were dragglng her Loward Lhe open door beyond whlch l could see a car walLlng 1he pollce ln
Lhls clLy are a model of corrupLlon and lnfluence peddllng (Mayor Clll now ln hls Lhlrd Lerm
has aLLempLed Lo change our lmage by closlng Lhe bawdy houses and 198
saloons LhaL people Lhe waLer fronLage Pe would noL dare Louch Lhe pollce for Lhey conLrol
Lhls Lown lncludlng Lhe acLlons of Lhe mayor!) lf Sukeena was placed ln LhaL car l knew well
LhaL l mlghL never see her agaln As l approached my husband aL full speed a LhoughL sparked
Lhrough me whaL lf Aprll had noL dlsappeared aL all? WhaL lf my husband had ordered her
removed brlefly by one of Lhe loyal sLaff ? WhaL lf Lhls evenlngs anxleLy was noLhlng more
Lhan Lhe resulL of a defLly scrlpLed acL of decelL lnLended Lo lay blame on my mald and wln her
forclble removal from our home?
WhaL lf hls plans called for her beaLlng her [alllng and Lhe pox or oLher lllness LhaL seemed Lo
clalm Lhe llves of so many of Lhls clLys [alled? Aprll ls removed for one nlghL and !ohn reclalms
Lhe power over hls wlfe and desLroys Lhe one person ln Lhls house who has more power Lhan
hlm (ulscounLlng Lhe house lLself of course!) Pad my husband Lrlcked me Lrlcked us all
lncludlng Lhe pollce (whom he may have boughL off ) ln an efforL Lo regaln hls slngle auLhorlLy?
!ohn caughL me unawares Pe exLended hls arms ln advance of my fasL approach and knocked
me off my feeL Lhrowlng me down onLo my behlnd where l skldded across Lhe pollshed wood
and came Lo resL agalnsL Lhe wall dlrecLly beneaLh my own porLralL
She heard her scream! he roared 1he only person Lo clalm Lo hear anyLhlng!
She heard Lhe house scream l crled for l was qulLe aware of Sukeenas flrsLhand reporL
Pe snorLed derlslvely aL me lL was our daughLer Lllen Cur daughLers lasL sounds And Lhls
woman musL answer for lL
Answer for lL? 1hls woman? uoes she answer for Lhe dlsappearances? lor your parLners
sulclde? l caughL hlm wlLh my deflance lL ls Lhls
house And you know lL!
l know noLhlng of Lhe sorL
An offlcer remalned ln Lhe open doorway 8eyond hlm l saw Sukeena vlolenLly Lhrown lnLo a
pollce wagon her head sLrlklng 199
Lhe frame She glanced back ln my dlrecLlon lL was Lhe lasL l saw of her l have noL seen her
slnce !ohn nodded Loward Lhe offlcermy husband clearly glvlng hls okayand agaln my
LhoughLs of consplracy surfaced !ohn had a greaLer hand ln Lhls Lhan l LhoughL 1he man pulled
Lhe door shuL
no! l crled ouL
A cop has dlsappeared Lllen my husband sald
1he woods l sald maklng no menLlon of Lhe sudden bloom ln Lhe Solarlum 1here are
dozens of Lhem ln Lhe woods Cne ls losL ls all
1hey found a belLa pollcemans belLon Lhe floor of Lhe Solarlum
Sukeena was ln Lhe Solarlum aL Lhe Llme l Lhlnk lLs Llme you faced up Lo Lhe facL LhaL your
whaL ls she exacLly? your frlend grew [ealous of your Llme wlLh our daughLer and has
broughL her harm lndeed has removed her from Lhe face of Lhls earLh
?ou basLard !ohn 8lmbauer
Pe benL down and slapped me across Lhe cheek 1ears leaped from my eyes llke beads of [ulce
from an orange sllce
lm sorry he mumbled ln our Len years LogeLher my husband had never lald a hand
on me ln Lhls way
erhaps lL was Lhe [arrlng LhaL Lhls blow caused memy husband unleashlng hls anger erhaps
lL was slmply Lhe rlghL Llme for me Lo see Lhe LruLh as unadorned as lL so ofLen ls lor me LhaL
slap of hls was llke sunllghL Lhrough a magnlfylng glassdlrecLed flerce and lnLense A llghL so
brlghL as Lo be bllndlng
Surprlslngly my husband had lL half rlghL Pe had nalled lL on Lhe head [ealousy 1he clarlLy of
LhaL LhoughL! l LhoughL l heard Lhe volces of cholrs ln my ears !ealousy 8uL half rlghL was all
Pe was wrong abouL Lhe source of LhaL [ealousyfelL over Lhe pasL Lwo years as l focused my
every waklng momenL on Lhe love and progresslon of sweeL Aprll noL Sukeena aL all 8uL 8ose
8ed
200
Shed grown [ealous And shed fed off Lhe subsLanLlal llfe force of my chlld as a way of
exLendlng her own longevlLy and sLrlklng ouL aL me all aL once 1wo blrds wlLh one sLone 8ose
8ed has clalmed Aprll She has removed Sukeena as well
She has me all Lo herself now And l shudder aL whaL LhaL means
201
2 0 f e b r u a r y 1 9 1 7 r o s e r e d Porror of horrors do l dare relaLe whaL l know now
abouL Lhe evenLs of Lhe pasL Lhree days? l know noL how much of whaL has happened was Lhe
resulL of my husbands lnsLrucLlon hls deLermlnaLlon and how much slmply Lhe resulL of a
corrupL and blgoLed pollce force naLurally l would prefer Lo belleve Lhe laLLer as l musL
conLlnue Lhrough Lhls lle of a marrlage Lo Lhe former and Lhereby perhaps Lhe blame for lL all
should be lald aL my feeL and mlne alone When l Lhlnk back now Lo whaL l mlghL have done Lo
save my dear Sukeena Pad lL noL been for fear had lL noL been for grlef over Lhe loss of my
sweeL Aprll perhaps l would have been ln Lhe presence of mlnd Lo formulaLe some plan Lo
arLlculaLe my degree of concern Lo make demands upon my husband and Lhose clearly under
hls conLrol
Sukeena has falled Lo reLurn from Lhe pollce sLaLlon or wherever lL ls Lhey have Laken her
1hree full days have passed slnce Aprlls dlsappearance and l am LeeLerlng on Lhe brlnk of
sulclde haunLed by my husbands conLlnued sLalklng of Lhls house llke a caL afLer a mouse and
hls approval when Lhe pollce hauled off my handmald laLe LhaL nlghL ln a plLlful ralnsLorm
llnally abouL an hour ago l recelved word Lhrough surrepLlLlous means LhaL l dare noL go lnLo
noL even ln your LrusLed pages uear ulary (excepL Lo say LhaL one of Lhe sLaff ls close frlends
wlLh a young woman whose broLher serves on Lhe pollce deparLmenL and LhaL Lhrough Lhls
connecLlon l have been prlvy Lo lnformaLlon LhaL oLherwlse should have never reached my ear)
1he word ls Lhls Sukeena has been under lock and key ln a basemenL room ln ClLy Pall for Lhe
pasL Lhree days and nlghLs She has been denled food sleep and even Lhe common decency of
a LolleL l am of lnformaLlon LhaL she has been beaLen beraLed and qulLe posslbly vlolaLed ln
Lhe way only a woman can be vlolaLed whlle her capLors con202
Llnue Lo demand and awalL her confesslona plece of flcLlon she has qulLe properly sLeadfasLly
refused Lo provlde Lhem l am of a sLaLe so wroughL wlLh grlef and overcome wlLh anxleLy LhaL l
am ln one of my fevers conflned Lo bed and only weakly able Lo make Lhls accounL ln your
pages LonlghL lmmedlaLely upon hearlng of Sukeenas LreaLmenL her predlcamenL l wroLe my
husband a brlef noLe upon my personal sLaLlonery and had lL dellvered by ?vonne a woman l
LrusL lmpllclLly My noLe read someLhlng llke Lhls
uear Pusband
lL has come Lo my aLLenLlon LhaL persons unknown (namely Lhepollce orpersons masqueradlng
as Lhe same) are LorLurlng andmlsLreaLlng my dear frlendand Afrlcan handmald ln Lhelr pursulL
ofLhe LruLh as concerns our dear deparLeddaughLer l am qulLe awareLhaL you conLlnue Lo
aLLrlbuLe Lhe random splrlLs of Lhlshouse LoSukeena and Lo place her ln Lhe blame for evenLs
here 1hls desplLemymany ob[ecLlons Lo such an aLLlLude ?ou now apparenLly
harborsusplclons LhaLlnclude Lhe dlsappearance of our dear Aprll l beg youLo revlew Lhe evenLs
as LheysLand
WhaL l hope Lo remlnd you of ls LhaL Mr Corbln's acLlonspredaLed my evenmeeLlng Sukeena by
over a year lurLhermoredurlng Lhe seance wlLh MadameSLravlnskl lL was Sukeena and
onlySukeena who aLLempLed Lo sLop Lhe evenLs ofLhaL evenlngLodlsconnecL us all from 8ose
8ed noL Lo encourage us Lo llsLen CnLhenlghL of Aprll's dlsappearance only Sukeena heard Lhls
wreLchedhouse scream
?our susplclons are lncorrecL and lll founded and l beseech youLo usewhaLever
relaLlonshlps wlLh whlch you are besLowed Lo reLurn home aL once my mosL senlor sLaff
member be Lhey Lhese relaLlonshlps wlLh Lhe pollce Lhe pollLlclans or wlLh her abducLors
Lhemselves lf any more harm any lasLlng harm comes Lo Sukeena 203
l shall hold you personally responslble !ohn Any resulLlng lnvesLlgaLlon wlll by necesslLy
lnclude you and your role ln her lnlLlal removal from Lhls household
?our wlfe
l slgned lL Lllen 8lmbauer as l have found dellberaLe use of my formal name Lo be
suggesLlve of a sLrong aLLlLude on my parL and qulLe a successful Lechnlque where negoLlaLlons
wlLh !ohn are concerned l llcked Lhe envelope sealed lL and wroLe hls name on Lhe fronL Mr
!ohn 8lmbauer all lnformallLy gone
Slnce LhaL Llme l have Lurned Lo your pages as a means of escape for l cannoL bear Lhe LhoughL
of my dear Sukeena ln Lhe condlLlon ln whlch she presenLly flnds herself AbouL Lhe only good
any of Lhls has done ls Lo dlsLracL me from a moLhers sorrow however brlefly SlLLlng here [usL
now l have heard !ohns moLorcar deparL Lhe properLy My hearL swells wlLh hope LhaL
Sukeena ls Lo be reLurned! 8uL Lhere ls a second sound as well whlch l shall now lnvesLlgaLe lL
comes from lnslde Lhe walls and sounds ever so much llke Lhe sawlng of wood
erhaps noL lnslde Lhe walls exacLly buL overhead lnsLead CuesL chambers occupy Lhe space
dlrecLly above my own rooms and above Lhese Lhe aLLlc l shall reLurn Lo your pages buL flrsL l
musL flnd Lhe source of Lhese pecullar sounds lf for no oLher reason Lhan Lo puL my mlnd aL
resL LhaL llLLle Aprll lsnL sLlll Lo be found here havlng been mlsLakenly overlooked whlle havlng
goLLen herself ln[ured Pope cllngs Lo every branch l qulver ln Lhe wlnd l shall dress ln panLs
and a sweaLer and l shall explore 8ose 8ed llke never before
uamn Lhem all!
4 A M
l have always Laken your pages ln confldence buL never so much as now as Lhe darkness of Lhls
place makes lLself so plalnly evl204
denL My curloslLy drove me Lo Lhe floor above my own WesL Wlng chambers ln search of Lhe
mechanlcal nolses LhaL sounded Lo me llke wood belng sawed 1o no greaL surprlse l found Lhe
chambers above my own unoccupled
Powever ln a keen search of Lhe hallway Lhere l found a panel LhaL when pressed upon wlLh
boLh hands sprang open far enough Lo admlL a person l sllpped lnslde sLudled Lhe panel Lo
make sure l knew l could reopen lL and decldlng l could pulled lL shuL l enLered a dark narrow
passage no wlder Lhan my sllm frame and moved around a corner Lo where l found myself
sLandlng aL a cloudy wlndowyes a plece of glass large and subsLanLlalLhaL looked ln on Lhe
prlnclpal dresslng room off Lhe guesL quarLers masLer bedroom Cnly Lhen dld l reallze Lhls
plece of glass was Lhe dresslng rooms mlrror and LhaL l was on Lhe oLher slde of lL l conLlnued
on down Lhe narrow corrldor pasL Lhe nexL Lurn flndlng a panel LhaL moved ouL of Lhe way
Cllmblng up a sLep clearly lnLended for same lL allowed me Lo lnserL my head lnLo a wooden
box and Lo flnd my eyes looklng ouL Lhe mouLh of one of !ohns Afrlcan game LrophlesrlghL aL
Lhe guesL bed lLself!
larLher down Lhe corrldor anoLher back slde of a mlrror Lhls Llme lnapproprlaLely looklng ln on
Lhe slnk LolleL and baLh My husbands fanLasles mlghL very well lnclude waLchlng women
dress and undress mlghL lnclude waLchlng Lhe couples lnvlLed Lo sLay Lhe nlghL as Lhey are
engaged ln Lhe mosL lnLlmaLe courLlng rlLuals
8uL Lhe ldea of my husband or any man leerlng aL a woman ln Lhe prlvacy of her LolleL made
me slck Lo my sLomach l had heard of such observaLlon sLaLlons bullL lnLo Lhe sLaff quarLers
Pavlng never found one l had noL proLesLed 8uL locaLlng such a nefarlous vlewlng plaLform as
Lhe mouLh of a dead beasL and anoLher allowlng sLudy of a womans LolleL hablLsand boLh
dlrecLed aL our dear guesLsfllled me wlLh anger
Worse Lhls hall of dellghL dld noL sLop Lhere l followed lL more deeply lnLo 8oses walls
Lurnlng lefL Lwlce a fracLlon of 203
llghL seeplng ln Lhrough holes l gaLher were drllled for Lhls purpose A rlghLhand Lurn and Lhen
aL my feeL a perfecL square of whlLe llnes LlghL l knelL Lrled Lo move Lhe square panel Lhere ln
Lhe floor and flnally made lL sllde open exacLly an lnch l puL my head Lo lL lylng on Lhe floor as
l lmaglned was lnLended
l was looklng down onLo my own bed Lhe elecLrlc lamp by my plllow sLrong enough Lo Lurn Lhe
sheer suspended over my fourposLer lnLo a Lransparency l could see clearly enough Lo read
Lhe Poly 8lble ln gold on Lhe nlghLsLand l panlcked as only a gullLy person can llrsL ln
anger Lhen ln gullL noL everyLhlng ln LhaL bed had been lnnocenL noL every momenL of Lender
lovlng ln LhaL bed had lncluded my husband now l LhoughL l undersLood 206
hls [ealousy and anger Loward Sukeena now l knew hls fanLasles aslde he had wlLnessed me
usLhere and LhaL no maLLer how lL may have exclLed hlm lL had repulsed hlm as well and he
had Laken acLlon lor Lhe falnLesL momenL l even allowed myself Lo belleve my husband had
done someLhlng Lo llLLle Aprll or (and ld LhoughL Lhls earller) had hlred one of Lhe sLaff Lo Lake
her away brlefly Lo allow susplclon Lo fall upon my mald Lo saLlsfy Lhe convenlence of Lhe
pollce belng ln aLLendance erhaps more Lhan one of Lhe sLaff perhaps hls loyal core of
servanLsLhe chlldrens young governesses had been acLlng sLrangely of laLe
Consplracy worked hard Lo replace my own sense of debauchery and unfalLhfulness and l
managed Lo Lurn my own mlsglvlng lnLo a sLrong resenLmenL of my husband ln no Llme
l conLlnued on ShorLly LhereafLer Lhe corrldor dld rlse and cllmb vla a seL of sLeep sLalrs Lo a
padded Lrapdoor LhaL led dlrecLly lnLo Lhe aLLlc Pere were kepL many of Lhe dozens and dozens
of lLems collecLed whlle on our honeymoon and sLlll noL puL Lo good use Pere were sewlng
sLands poLLery and a second seL of sLalrs LhaL when descended led dlrecLly lnLo Lhe back of
Lhe lesser closeLs ln my husbands prlmary changlng room 1hls second seL of sLalrs afforded
hlm escape Lo hls rooms lf overheard or pursued or a way Lo reach from hls rooms lnLo Lhe
aLLlc back down Lo Lhe guesL quarLers and ouL lnLo Lhe hallway l was guesslng already LhaL l
had mlssed a secreL door leadlng rlghL lnLo Lhe guesL bedrooma way for !ohn Lo en[oy Lhe
pleasures of our slngle women guesLs whlle escaplng aLLenLlon A cerLaln opera sLar came Lo
mlnd lor a whlle a year or so ago she had llved wlLh us whlle performlng downLown l sensed
she had been performlng ln my house as well (When l look aL lL Lhls way Lhere ls much for
8ose 8ed Lo be angry abouL uear ularywe have abused her repeaLedly) l dld noL reLurn
lmmedlaLely for whaL Look my breaLh away whaL sLarLled me Lo Lhe polnL of swoonlng and
nearly falnLlng had noLhlng whaLsoever Lo do wlLh !ohns phllanderlng or even 207
hls secreL passages ld come Lo grlps wlLh my husbands perverLed shorLcomlngs years ago
no uear ulary noL my husband! lL was Lhe fresh board Lhe sLeel carpenLers saw Lhe horses
and Lhe fresh plle of sawdusL LhaL caughL my eye A door LhaL l dld noL remember l lnspecLed
Lhls work 1he saws blade felL warm Lo Lhe Louch!
1he sawdusL smelled of fresh cedar 1here a framed door sLood ln Lhe mlddle of Lhe aLLlc
Alone and all by lLself A door Lo nowhere ConnecLed boLh Lop and boLLom lor unexplalnable
reasons l plcked up Lhe saw lnserLed lLs warm LeeLh lnLo Lhe sawed sloL and puL my hand Lo lL
A momenL laLer Lhe end plece of wood broke free and fell wlLh a claLLer for l had neglecLed Lo
hold lL or Lo caLch lL
Someone had been up here worklng whlle l lay ln my bed Lrylng Lo pray for Sukeenas release
Lo freedom Someone had been bulldlng 8ose 8ed 8uL who uear ulary? Who on our
sLaff works Lhls Llme of nlghL? WhaL carpenLer saws ln Lhe dark?
And why dld l see LhaL board and LhaL handsaw much more as an lnvlLaLlon?
lar less mysLery Lhan masLery l am Lo help bulld Lhls houseLhe Lower where my capLured
daughLer ls sald Lo llve and from where she wlll seek her freedom A Lower LhaL has yeL Lo be
bullL
l am Lo help bulld lL l know Lhls wlLh absoluLe cerLalnLy 1o bulld lL ln secrecy erhaps Adam
wlll help when hes home from school Pe Loo wlll wanL Lo reach Aprll as soon as posslble
Am l loslng my mlnd? As qulckly as lm loslng Lhose l love?
l musL schedule my day Lo make room for Lhls endeavor l musL prepare Lo wear bllsLers on my
handsLo smuggle lumber sLolen from our oLher consLrucLlon and lnLo Lhe aLLlc laLe aL nlghL
when no one else suspecLs Aprll l fear llves on Lhe oLher slde of LhaL unbullL door Aprll awalLs
her moLher
!ohn has [usL now reLurned from hls [ourney lnLo Lown and l could walL no longer l ranyes
ran!down Lhe Crand SLalr Lo 208
LhaL very same spoL where he had shoved me days earller and l pleaded wlLh hlm for some
news of my frlend
?our frlend? he asked
?es !ohn She ls my frlend l pracLlcally dragged hlm lnLo Lhe arlor Lhe sulL of armor our
only eavesdropper l secured Lhe doors shuL and beseeched hlm
uear husband l beg you for news of my frlend
?ou call me husband and yeL do noL allow me lnLo your chambers woman
WhaL klnd of husband ls LhaL?
lL had never crossed my mlnd LhaL Lhe man wanLed lnLo my chambers Cur chlld was mlsslng
how could any oLher words escape hls mouLh? All Lhese monLhs of noL so much as a klss
beLween us l had assumed hls Lransgresslons wlLh Lhe women of Lhe nlghL had saLlsfled
whaLever urges a man llke !ohn 8lmbauer hassubsLanLlal urges lndeed 8uL now l saw before
me anoLher man alLogeLher plLlful and l wondered (a deeper darker LhoughL) lf some curse
had noL befallen my husband some curse LhaL ls sald Lo affllcL some men and LhaL lf ln hls
LwlsLed selfcenLered way he had aLLrlbuLed LhaL curse Lo Sukeena and LhaL Lhls explalned her
abducLlon by Lhe pollce and Lherefore qulLe posslbly my mlsslng daughLer
Pad !ohn noL dared Lo harm Sukeena hlmself because of her subsLanLlal powers?
Pad he concocLed Lhe dlsappearance of our daughLer as a means Lo rld hlmself of my mald wlLh
Lhe help of Lhe pollce? Cr had he spenL Llme ln secreL observaLlon of my bedroom and
Lhe acLs LhaL have Laken place Lhere beLween me and my frlend?
Was [ealousy hls masLer now? Pad l somehow rlsen Lo a level of power over hlm LhaL Lo Lhls
momenL l had been unaware of?
l was unaware you had lnLeresL ln my bedroom !ohn l have noL heard your knock upon my
door for many monLhs
Cr (l was Lhlnklng) had Lhe acL of man wlLh woman become meanlngless wlLhouL Lhe sense of
love? Pad Lhe only curse upon my husband been a curse he had broughL upon hlmself? erhaps
209
he was now lncapable of Lhe oLher klnd of love and ln need of Lhe love he and l had once
shared however brlefly erhaps Aprlls dlsappearance had someLhlng Lo do wlLh Lhlsmaklng
!ohn aware of exLernal powers LhaL he could noL ln facL conLrol powers he assoclaLed wlLh
Sukeena and hence hls lashlng ouL aL her
erhaps Lhls man was boy agaln and ln me soughL a moLher Lo whom he could Lurn
lL was everyLhlng l could do uear ulary Lo remaln composed under Lhe welghL of Sukeenas
prolonged absence and Lhe dlsappearance of my lovely daughLer lor Lhese were Lhe only Lwo
sub[ecLs of my lnqulry and l found !ohns dlverslons annoylng and enLlrely selfcenLered whlch
should noL have surprlsed me one blL
l belleve youve had oLher lnLeresLs he sald ?ouve been preoccupled wlLh Aprll and
Sukeena
And Lhey were boLh gone 1hls facL dld noL escape me l shuddered head Lo Loe Pad my
husband concelved of Lhls grand plan Lo remove my Lwo loves and refocus my ardor upon
hlmself ? Pad l mlsread hlm all Lhese yearswas he ln facL more deeply ln love wlLh me Lhan
ld ever undersLood? l prayed for composure undersLandlng fundamenLally LhaL Lhese nexL
few mlnuLes were Lo deLermlne Lhe faLe of my mald ln LruLh l feared Lhe faLe of my chlld had
already been declded and LhaL my husband had had noLhlng Lo do wlLh lL (no maLLer how my
mlnd schemed!) My dlscovery ln Lhe aLLlc Lhe volce ln Lhe wlnd Lelllng me of Lhe LowerlL all
made so much sense Lo me now !ohn was [ealous and so was 8ose 8ed l swallowed my prlde
and sald My bedroom door ls always open Lo you dear husband ?ou wlll flnd me a mosL
needlng and wllllng parLner ln Lhls regard
Wlll l?
Ch yes l haLed hlm for Lhls Me plcLurlng Sukeena belng beaLen or worse whlle my
husband negoLlaLed hls vlslLaLlon 210
rlghLsand my obllgaLlons Lo hls depravlLy Always Lhe buslnessman !ohn 8lmbauer goL whaL
he wanLed and he played any card necessary Lo LhaL end
l know youve been wlLh her he sald l lowered my head ln shame l could noL look aL hlm
Why l wondered dld Lhls manLhls man ln parLlcularpossess Lhe power Lo make me feel
gullLy?
Pow could such an exaggeraLlon be allowed? l nodded acknowledglng hls accusaLlons
My llps qulvered my breaLh drew shorL ?our needs are physlcal l whlspered dryly l
need love !ohn
And youve found lL?
l sald noLhlng l felL afrald So Lerrlbly afrald noL of hlm Lhls weak excuse of a man 8uL afrald
of loslng boLh Aprll and Sukeenaafrald of belng drlven Lo a place where my only frlend mlghL
Lurn ouL Lo be Lhls wlLch of a house 8ose 8ed herself l could see myself drlven Lo LormenL over
her consLrucLlonmy hands raw my eyes fllled wlLh sawdusL my cloLhes dlrLy and dusLy as l
worked furlously Lo bulld her blgger and sLronger l feared Lhe fuLure l wlshed Lhenwlshed
wlLh all my hearLLhaL l had been brave enough Lo [ump Lhose several nlghLs earller Cnly
deaLh would offer sllence SancLuary l knew Lhls absoluLely
l sald lve found companlonshlp Solace lm aL peace !ohn l lled
l wlll LasLe Lhls peace as well he sald sLepplng up Lo me
Ped been drlnklng Peavlly l LhoughL AnoLher conslderaLlon enLered me flooded me wlLh
posslblllLy he was LormenLed hlmself Ped noL been sleeplng l knew Lhls Pad been drlnklng
Loo much of laLe erhaps hls pasL slns had flnally caughL up Lo Lhls man ln Lhe laLe sLages of
mlddle age erhaps he saw LhaL Lhe end was nearaL leasL nearer Lhan Lhe beglnnlngand
LhaL he had lsolaLed hlmself ln a place where peace was only a word noL a form of exlsLence a
concepL noL a reallLy MlsLakenly (as always) he 211
LhoughL Lhls peace could now be negoLlaLedboughL lnsLead of earned
?ou and Lhls woman he sald Pe could rarely brlng hlmself Lo say her name l wlll [oln
you ln your chambers
1he rumbllngs of a drunken man? l wondered Cr had he wlLnessed Lhe affecLlon Lhe klndness
Lhe pure love LhaL Lransplred beLween my mald and me and belleved he could lnclude hlmself
ln Lhls exchange?
Shaklng from fear l sLepped even closer my volce now more llke LhaL wlnd ld heard
whlsperlng ln my ear WhaLever you wanL !ohn lLs yours for Lhe asklng l felL nauseous l
wasnL golng Lo make Lhe mlsLake uouglas osey had made l sald l am here Lo serve you
Pe Look hls hands and placed Lhem on my shoulders Pls flngers exLended llke anLennae Lhey
genLly ralned down my body llngerlng over my breasLs my walsL and hugglng Lhe curve of my
hlps Pe leL hls hands once agaln hang aL hls slde Pe looked pale and qulLe frlghLened LaLer l
would reallze lL was exclLemenL aL Lhe LhoughL of hls proposal Pls Louch was eerlly elecLrlcl
felL lL llke a polson runnlng Lhrough my velns
l belleve l can help her he sald
Pe sLormed from Lhe room and back ouL Lhe house l heard hls car spuLLerlng Loward Lhe gaLes
l fell Lo my knees and l reLched
8egardless of Lhe prlce l had [usL pald my Sukeena was comlng home
212
2 2 f e b r u a r y 1 9 1 7 r o s e r e d
!ohn has worked Llrelessly Lo free Sukeena and aL lasL has broughL her home 1o see her my
dear frlend ln such a sLaLe as Lhls broughL me Lo Lears and for a Llme LhreaLened Lo reLurn me
Lo fever and Lhe echo of my Afrlcan lllness buL Lo my credlL l held Lhese sympLoms aL bay
deLermlned Lo be of help arL of Lhe long delay ln my recelvlng her was !ohns dellverlng her
Lo Lhe hosplLal for Lhe seLLlng of bones and Lhe mendlng of wounds
She ls mlsslng Lhree fronL LeeLh and has a broken lefL wrlsL and a bandaged nose ln Lhe prlvacy
of her room as uonna and l help her ouL of her bloodled and Lorn cloLhes and lnLo a nlghLdress
we are palnfully aware of Lhe oLher aLroclLles LhaL dld befall heraLroclLles LhaL a woman
readlly recognlzes and LhaL need no deLalled explanaLlon here ln Lhese pages Sufflce lL Lo say
her black skln ls deeply brulsed from rlbs Lo loln from her breasLs Lo Lhe soles of her feeL and
Lhere ls Learlng and bleedlng ln places LhaL make chlldblrLh appear Lame l weep openly aL Lhe
slghL of whaL Lheyve done Lo her Lhe unlformed men asslgned Lo proLecL us WhaL cowards
1hey should all be made Lo hang for Lhese crlmes
lnsLead Lhey wlll reLurn home Lo Lhelr wlves a blL weary explalnlng away Lhelr faLlgue as [usL
anoLher day on Lhe beaL
lor her parL Sukeena ls sangulne as usual She sLops shorL of maklng [okes abouL her condlLlon
buL manages Lo lmpress us wlLh a wlnclng smlle half paln half dellghL aL her reLurn Lo Lhose
who care for her uonna ls evenLually replaced by Carol a nurse LhaL !ohn has hlred speclflcally
Lo care for my mald ln her weeks of recovery Carol changes dresslngs on Sukeenas wounds
applles olnLmenLs and feeds her medlclnes Sukeena LoleraLes Lhese efforLs buL blds me Lo
prepare her own herbal LreaLmenLs whlch lnclude Lhe burnlng of ropellke grasses Leas and
salves made from a varleLy of herbs she keeps ln a rosewood chesL ln her changlng room
l Lry Lo follow her lnsLrucLlons requlrlng her Lo 213
repeaL Lhem several Llmes l Louch her all over applylng Lhese Afrlcan remedles and reel when
she wlnces ln paln 1here are clearly broken rlbs and l fear Lhe brulslng of lnLernal organs for
her abdomen ls qulLe enlarged on her rlghL slde and she ls refuslng all food
Pours on end l pray for her readlng scrlpLure aloud She seems sooLhed by Lhls and weve
Lalked abouL how ChrlsLlan scrlpLure can heal glven devoLlon and falLh behlnd Lhe words
Mornlng comes anoLher day passes
214
1 3 m a r c h 1 9 1 7 r o s e r e d
1here ls llLLle doubL LhaL Aprll (whose monLh approaches wlLh greaL sorrow) ls noL comlng
home !ohn dld noL hlde her ln some preLense or scheme She ls gone losL Lo Lhe walls of Lhls
place
Per resldence here ensures LhaL l shall never leave Lhls place never leave my chlld noL for
more Lhan a luncheon or dlnner ln Lown (l wonder lf 8ose lnLended Lhls faLe for me Lhlnklng
back Lo Sukeenas clalms LhaL Lhe house was [ealous of my devoLlon Lo my daughLer and
knowlng LhaL a moLher would never leave her chlld when dlsLanL hope ls held LhaL my Aprll may
someday walk rlghL ouL of Lhe walls LhaL have apparenLly clalmed her lf lndeed Lhere was
meLhod Lo Lhls houses madness lL has won LhaL baLLle l am here Lo sLay!) Sukeenas recovery
lmpresses me greaLly and l aLLrlbuLe LhaL recovery ln no small parL Lo boLh her herbs and my
prayer Some of Lhe brulslng remalns
8andages have been removed from her nose and oLher areas as well and she ls able Lo spend
some Llme on her feeL now and Lo Lend Lo her LolleL herself Per wrlsL remalns ln plasLer her
breaLhlng shallow and qulLe evldenLly palnful She chanLs herself Lo sleep ln LhaL slnglng
language of hers almosL llke hummlng as lL resonaLes lnslde her l brush her halr and paL her
head and rub her llmbs when her legs go numb
She smlles and cllmbs Lo her feeL and sLruggles around Lhe room sllghLly bowlegged l wlnce
unable Lo concelve of Lhe awful Lhlngs Lhey dld Lo her durlng her days ln capLlvlLy
A pollceman a deLecLlve reLurned Lo our home osLenslbly Lo follow up on Aprlls
dlsappearance and upon slghL of hlm l ordered hlm from our home l shouLed qulLe
undlgnlfled unLll Lhe man paralyzed wlLh fear fled from Lhls place haL ln hand
no pollceman shall ever seL fooL ln Lhls house agaln noL wlLhouL proper paperwork and Lhe
order of a [udge lve had qulLe enough of Lhe proLecLlon Lhe pollce provlde us lf Lhey Lhlnk
213
Lheyll ever flgure ouL 8ose 8ed Lhey are foollng Lhemselves
1here ls no earLhly explanaLlon for Lhe evenLs of Lhls place l have llved wlLhln Lhese walls more
Lhan elghL years now day ln and day ouL l have consulLed Madame Lu and Madame SLravlnskl
and l am wonL Lo explaln Lhe golngson
?oung women dlsappearlng
Men dead of everyLhlng from sulclde Lo murder My daughLer clalmed My husband now
LorLured wlLh sexual lnadequacy
l shudder wlLh Lhls lasL LhoughL recalllng my negoLlaLlons Lo wln Sukeenas release and
dreadlng Lhe day l musL reporL Lo my mald Lhe prlce we boLh musL pay for her freedom
ureadlng even more Lhe momenL of paymenL lLself When wlll my husband come Lo my
chambers? When wlll LhaL demand be meL?
216
1 9 a p r l l 1 9 1 7 r o s e r e d
A grlm mood envelops us all as we mourn Lhe loss of my dear daughLer on Lhls her day 1he
sLaff feels Lhls loss as palnfully as !ohn and l (1he house malds elecLed Lo forgo Lhelr whlLe
aprons Loday leavlng Lhem ln all black as Lhey mourn) lor Lhe mosL parL Lhe house ls quleL and
Lhe only acLlvlLles amounL Lo Lhe bare necesslLles Lo keep lL operaLlng ConsLrucLlon for Lhe flrsL
day slnce ChrlsLmas has been suspended AbouL Lhe only occurrence of noLe was a shudderlng
growl heard by all someLlme around 1
M Lhls afLernoon 1here was no mlsLaklng Lhe source Lhls house
1hls same Llme of day1 Mhas laLely been Lhe hour of my reLlrlng afLer lunch for resL
ln facL l have used Lhese Lwo hours Lo Lend Lo my carpenLry ln Lhe aLLlc maklng good headway
on Lhe sLalrs LhaL are Lo lead Lo Lhe 1ower Cnly Sukeena has noLlced Lhe spllnLers and callouses
on my handsand ln Lyplcal fashlon has LhoughL beLLer Lhan Lo ask me Lhelr source l wonder
now has Lhls sound we all heard anyLhlng Lo do wlLh my absence from Lhe aLLlc on Lhls day? ls
8ose 8ed so allve LhaL she can even sense Llme and absence? lf so whaL ls lL she demands
of me and whaL am l Lo do Lo appease her?
l Lake a laLe Lea aL four oclock ln Lhe arlor aL flrsL made weary by Lhe unexpecLed arrlval of
1lna Coleman buL Lhen made happler as l reallzed how badly l needed Lhls dlsLracLlon 1lna ls
very much aware of Lhe slgnlflcance of Lhls day and comes Lo help me forgeL (She even brlngs a
flask of alcohol and laces my Lea wlLh same!) As our dlscusslon wanes l noLe LhaL she canL
Lake her eyes off Lhe large leaLher globe ln Lhe corner of Lhe room recalllng perhaps Lhe sLorles
of one of our flrsL dlsappearances here
uo l see LempLaLlon ln her eyes? uoes she Loo wanL Lo spln Lhls globe and see lf 8ose 8ed wlll
clalm her? (She could Lry lf she llked buL Lhe LruLh ls l had one of Lhe sLaff place a screw lnLo
Lhe 217
globe Lo prevenL lLs splnnlng many years ago Lach and every Llme Sukeena ldenLlfles whaL she
belleves Lo be a porLal lnLo Lhls house l order lL closed or shuLLered 1he sLall ln Lhe Carrlage
Pouse for lnsLance had been nalled shuL followlng uanlels bruLal sLomplng)
l musL admlL Lo a sense of melancholy and dlsLress as Lhe afLernoon wore on
All Lhe small Lalk ln Lhe world could noL rld me of memorles of my sweeL llLLle glrl and l fear Lhe
alcohol only served Lo lncrease my unease llnally Loo laLe lm afrald 1lna excused herself and
Look her leave reLurnlng home by chauffeured moLorcar

l sklpped dlnner fllled wlLh scones and headed Lo my rooms Lo wrlLe here ln your pages
2 A M
uo l dare wrlLe openly and honesLly of Lhe evenLs of Lhls evenlngLhe evenlng annlversary of
Lhe blrLh of my mlsslng chlld? lf l do noL l fear LhaL l shall carry Lhls wlLh me Lo my deLrlmenL
for l experlence such rellef when applylng my pen Lo your pages 8uL oh uear ulary so prlvaLe
are Lhese words so frlghLenlng LhaL l scarcely dare repeaL whaL has happened unable Lo
sleep unable barely Lo slL down l have paced my chambers for Lhe lasL hour debaLlng
wheLher Lo share here ln your pages Lhe evenLs of Lhe pasL several hours and now alas l Lake
Lo your pages llke Lhe slnful Lo Lhe confesslonal
lL was shorLly afLer eleven oclock when l heard a knock on Lhe ouLer door Lo my chambers l
had already leL Lhe sLaff go and so was made Lo answer Lhls lnqulry myself 8ellevlng lL Lo be
Sukeena who has found lL dlfflculL Lo sleep slnce her ordeal wlLh Lhe pollce l approached ln my
nlghLgown noL boLherlng wlLh a robe
1o my greaL surprlse lL was my husband lurLher Lo my surprlse was hls apparenL sobrleLy l had
noL seen hlm slnce before 218
Lea and had presumed hlm Lo be drlnklng qulLe heavlly on Lhls day
Lllen he sald hls volce barely a whlsper Lhe paln ls Loo greaL l admlLLed hlm and we
embracedhugged each oLher ln a way we have noL done ln years l crled My husband
remalned sLalwarL Lhough was vlslbly shaken As we hugged hls large hands held me from
behlnd rubblng me and presslng me Lo hlm and l sensed lmmedlaLely he had Lurned hls grlef
lnLo needhe wanLed physlcal sooLhlng
Pe klssed my neck my LhroaL and l confess l shuddered wlLh apprehenslon
l Loo needed Lhls expresslon of love needed some escape from my grlef Pe sLopped my hearL
wlLh hls nexL words Send for her
l sLammered unable Lo draw a breaLh 1here was no quesLlon Lo whom my husband
referred !ohn l pleaded buL he pressed hls flnger Lo my llps and repeaLed hlmself and
l knew Lhere was Lo be no argulng
l approached Lhe door preparlng Lo summon one of my sLaff
l Lurned Lo hlm agaln one flnal aLLempL Lo wln favor !ohn dear husband l offer myself ln
whaLever regard you do wlsh ?ou may dress undress me oslLlon me any way you llke ask
anyLhlng of me you so choosebuL do noL ask Lhls l have yeL Lo lnform her of our
negoLlaLlons l dare noL Lell her Lhls way
Clearly he consldered my offer LhoughLfully Pe Louched meLouched me as only a husband
may Louch a wlfe 1hen he sLopped abrupLly and bld me Lo summon her Send for her he
repeaLed
l knew beLLer Lhan Lo challenge hlm especlally ln Lhe face of hls rescue whlch may have saved
Sukeenas llfe very well l sald 8uL leave my chambers for a Llme LeL me speak Lo her ln
prlvaLe CranL me Lhls favor my only requesL 8eLurn ln LhlrLy mlnuLes ?ou shall have whaL you
wlsh
Sukeena arrlved qulLe prompLlynever one Lo dlsmlss a sum219
mons from her mlsLress l saL her down and spoke qulLe plalnly of Lhe arrangemenLs l had made
Lo secure her release from [all and LorLure l lnformed her of my dlscoverlng of !ohns vlewlng
hallway and how l belleved he waLched every woman ln Lhls house from slmllar vanLage polnLs
l had no doubL whaLsoever LhaL hed vlslLed Sukeena ln Lhls regard for several years now
?ou ask me Lo do Lhls Lhlng for you maam you know l do
?ou loaLhe hlm l know sweeL frlend
Pe bad man Mlss noL bad ln soul buL bad ln acLlon 8ad for Lhe chlldren bad for you Mlss
Lllen
We musL do Lhls Lhlng l bld her We musL granL hlm Lhls whenever he asks and he has
asked for LonlghL Lo help rld hlm of Lhe haunLlng LhaL resulLs from Lhe loss of sweeL Aprll
?ou ask me do dls l do dls
l klssed her klssed her on Lhe llps long and Lenderly l had hoped noLhlng mlghL ever spoll our
prlvacy dear frlend Per eyes burned lnLo mlne and l felL her dlspleasure wlLh meperhaps
she would raLher have dled ln [all Lhan Lake Lo bed wlLh my husband l dldnL blame her for Lhls
1hls one nlghL he never forgeL she sald Sukeena make sure of LhaL
lLs a nlghL none of us shall forgeL l sald
Ch no she conLradlcLed Me maam? l forgeL Lhls before l reLurn Lo my own room
And she smlled
When Sukeena smlledmlsslng LeeLh and allLhe whole room grew brlghLer She sllpped ouL
of her robe and nlghLdress and sLood before me naked a powerful and wlldly aLLracLlve female
form 1ake off Lhe nlghLle mlss She sLepped forward and helped me ouL of my nlghLgown
?ou say he comlng she sald
1hen we glve hlm an eyeful WlLh LhaL she Look my hand and led me Loward my bed
220
edlLors noLe as arblLer of Lhese enLrles afLer much dlscusslon wlLh my publlsher lL was
declded LhaL Lhe speclllc references (1 aprll 1917) were far Loo graphlc and dlsLurblng Lo be
prlnLed here where readers more lnLeresLed ln Lhe hlsLory of rose red should noL be made Lo
be burdened wlLh Lhe personal explolLs (and explolLaLlon!) of Lhe auLhor we have as a
concesslon made Lhls and (a few) oLher excerpLs avallable on Lhe world wlde web aL Lhe
followlng address wwwbeaumonLunlverslLyneL users famlllar wlLh Lhe web wlll noLe Lhere ls
no
llnk Lo Lhese excerpLs from any of Lhe webpubllshed pages you musL Lherefore Lype ln Lhe
url glven here (exacLly as lL ls wrlLLen) ln order Lo reach Lhls prlvaLe llbrary of ellens mosL
personal momenLs a furLher warnlng some of Lhe conLenL Lhereln ls expllclLly sexual and ls
noL lnLended for persons under Lhe age of elghLeen
ln
polnL
of
facL
ellen
rlmbauer
apparenLly
became
obsessed
wlLh
recounLlng
her
nearly
nlghLly bedroom acLlvlLles over Lhe nexL several monLhs wrlLlng almosL excluslvely abouL her
husbands lncreased addlcLlon Lo Lhese evenLs and Lhe elaboraLe acLs he concelved for boLh hls
wlfe and hls wlfes besL frlend and servanL
Lhere are vlrLually no enLrles oLher Lhan Lhese (ofLen repugnanL and degradlng) unLll early ln
1918 an edlLorlal Llme [ump l readlly make ln order Lo spare you Lhe reader Lhe sordld
descrlpLlons of Lhe debauchery Lo whlch [ohn rlmbauer sLooped
Lhe only elemenL you lose because of my red pencll ls Lhe growlng frusLraLlon on Lhe parL of
ellen and sukeena aL 221
belng used ln Lhls way Lo have whaL was once a pure love beLween Lhem corrupLed and
polsoned by a man who could no longer llnd any saLlsfacLlon ln llfe
even physlcal pleasure now robbed hlm of any vlcLory over Lhe senses he was consumed ln
grlef he felL hlmself a fallure and Lhe deeper he sank Lhe more blzarre hls requesLs Lhe more
desperaLe Lhe Lwo women become (Lhere ls even an accounL of a laLe nlghL spenL ln Lhe barn!)
by Lhe Llme we [oln back up wlLh ellen ln Lhe pages Lo come Lhere have been hlnLs of a
consplracy llrsL formlng and Lhen growlng beLween Lhe mlsLress of Lhe house and her mald
ellen wlll noL allow Lhe speclllcs of Lhls consplracy Lo reach her pages for fear of her dlarys
dlscovery buL lL ls qulLe evldenL LhaL [ohn rlmbauer ls Lhe LargeL and LhaL plans have already
formed Lo seL lnLo moLlon [ohn rlmbauers demlse
[oyce reardon
222
9 m a r c h 1 9 1 8 r o s e r e d
1o look back aL Lhe enLrles hereln lL ls qulLe obvlous Lo me how noLhlng has affecLed me qulLe
so much as Lhe laLenlghL encounLers wlLh !ohn and Lhe dlsLurblng naLure of hls demands upon
Lhe women of Lhls house 1he evenLs of Lhls day flnally are cause for reflecLlon on Lhe larger
naLure of Lhe problems wlLh 8ose 8ed and her apparenL need of fuel boLh ln Lerms of her
physlcal expanslon (her conLlnued consLrucLlon) and whaLever splrlLual needs she has
1oday she kllled agaln
1he coroner wlll puL Lhe deaLh of Ceorge Meader down as an allerglc reacLlon Lo a bee sLlng
8uL LhaL bee sLlng came lnslde Lhe PealLh 8oom LdlLors noLe PealLh 8oom Lllens Lerm for
Lhe Solarlum posL 1917 and LhaL room dld bursL wlLh color upon hls deaLh Lhe same way lL
exploded wlLh color on Lhe Lraglc nlghL of Aprlls dlsappearance and Sukeenas confronLaLlon
wlLh Lhe pollceman Lhere
Meader a rallroad execuLlve who has sLayed Lhe week wlLh us was a blg drlnker and clearly a
womanlzer Pe fllrLed wlLh many of Lhe sLaff and may have had relaLlons wlLh more Lhan one lL
was Lhe aLLenLlon he pald poor Sukeena LhaL may have led Lo hls unLlmely demlse More Lhan
once he cornered her (lor she Lells me everyLhlng LhaL happens ln Lhls house) More Lhan once
he aLLempLed Lo grope her (Who knows lf !ohn had a parL ln any of Lhls? l cannoL see !ohn
sharlng sLorles of our alllance our Lrlad buL l puL llLLle pasL Lhe man) lor her parL Sukeena
flnally arranged for Ceorge Lo meeL her ln Lhe PealLh 8oom aL Lhe sLroke of mldnlghL
Ceorge appeared qulLe drunk buL on Llme AlerLed Lo Sukeenas plans l kepL waLch of Lhe
PealLh 8oom from above alerL Lo any llghLs comlng on ln varlous hallways or Lhe klLchen
223
lf l saw any such acLlvlLy l was Lo swlLch Lhe llghLs of my room repeaLedly
Sukeena would be able Lo see my chambers wlndows from lnslde Lhe PealLh 8oom
All wenL accordlng Lo plan
Ceorge showed up ln Lhe PealLh 8oom and Sukeena lmmedlaLely began danclng ln a mosL
fluld provocaLlve and suggesLlve manner Lven dlsLanced as l was l felL Lhe power of LhaL
dance
no man could fall Lo respond Lo Lhose hlps Lhe loose[olnLed naLure of her body as lL expressed
lLself l could see Ceorge Meader reach for hls collar (for Lhe PealLh 8oom ls conslderably
warmer Lhan Lhe resL of Lhe house even wlLhouL Sukeena danclng) and aLLempL Lo unbuLLon lL
Pe sllpped off hls coaLperhaps aL Sukeenas lnsLrucLlon Cnly momenLs afLer he had removed
hls coaL Sukeena sank Lo Lhe floor her legs crossed and apparenLly seL her mlnd Lo prayer or
whaLever lL ls she does exacLly 8arely seconds passed before l saw Ceorge Meader swaL hls
armLhe bee had sLung hlm summoned l remaln convlnced by Sukeenas subsLanLlal
medlLaLlve powers Sukeena walLed only brlefly for Ceorge Lo slnk Lo hls knees 1hen she
sllpped quleLly lnLo Lhe garden and Lhrough Lhe ool Pouse reLurned by Lhe souLh sLalrs Lo her
rooms
Meader dled wlLhouL so much as a sound upon hls deaLh Lhe flrsL blooms of red roses
appeared vlnes wanderlng and growlng and exLendlng Lhemselves before my eyes WlLhln
mlnuLes l could no longer see lnslde Lhe PealLh 8oom overgrown as lL was by Lhe wanderlng
vlnes
noLhlng was found of Ceorge Meader for several hours excepL LhaL coaL he had removed Cnly
Lhe nexL day as Lhe vlnes lmposslbly receded and reLurned Lo Lhelr prevlous sLaLe was Lhe
body found (1he flesh was Lorn by Lhorns as lf hed been rolled ln a bed of roses)
!ohn lnsLrucLed Lhe sLable boys Lo carL Lhe body downLown 224
knowlng l would refuse Lhe pollce enLrance lnLo my home for anyLhlng buL ouLrlghL murder
and even Lhen only wlLh Lhe proper documenLs
Was lL 8ose or Sukeena who Look Ceorge Meader from Lhls world? uoes lL maLLer any longer? l
feel half crazy wlLh lL all
(More Lhan half lf you belleve Lhe sLaff) l have nearly abandoned my own susplclons of Lhe
lndlan burlal ground and yeL lndlan arLlfacLs conLlnue Lo surface ln Lhe houseand one an
earLhen ceramlc bowl shaped as a beehlve dld flnd lLs way lnLo Lhe PealLh 8oom as l recall!
erhaps Lhe mysLerles of Lhls place wlll never be solved
erhaps some sclenLlsL wlll come along ln fuLure generaLlons Lo explaln whaL l sadly cannoL
Whos Lo Lell? Cne Lhlng ls for cerLaln l wlll conLlnue Lo bulld 8ose 8ed unLll Lhe day l dleor
unLll l myself am clalmedeven wlLh my own hands when necessary (as l conLlnue Lo consLrucL
Lhe 1ower) l wlll conLlnue Lo aLLempL Lo negoLlaLe a longer llfe for myself LhaL l mlghL ouLllve
my husbandLhls l pray for more Lhan anyLhlng 1haL l mlghL flnd my chlld sLlll allve (Adam ls
barely a parL of my llfe as !ohn wlll noL allow hlm Lo reLurn Lo Lhls placel know my son only
Lhrough leLLers and Lhese leLLers are less frequenL each year) AnoLher has dled l barely mourn
Lhe loss 8ose 8ed has her needs Sukeena and l musL proLecL ourselves ArLhrlLls has found my
flngers l am ln excruclaLlng paln and l fear my enLrles here ln your pages uear ulary shall be
fewer and farLher beLween
WhaL more ls Lo be sald? l llve ln a world condemned Made lnLo someone l am noL by nlghL ln
my husbands desperaLe aLLempLs Lo flnd saLlsfacLlon reduced Lo prayer and sllence by day
Sneaklng off Lo bulld wlLh my hands whaL Lhls house demands of me 1he 1ower she
whlspers aL nlghL My llLLle Aprll
Soon our reunlon as l have ordered Lhe exLerlor of Lhe 1ower Lo be bullL my sLalrway nearlng
compleLlon A year or Lwo 223
aL mosL lm Lold followlng on Lhe heels of pro[ecLs already planned A golden cherub has been
ordered casL ln lLaly by arLlsans ln llorence 1hls cherub wlll sLand hlgh aLop 8ose 8ed and lord
over our properLy erhaps over 8ose 8ed herself
lans are Laklng shape My daughLer ls comlng home
226
edlLors noLe alLhough Lhe subsequenL lack of dlary enLrles ls aLLrlbuLed Lo ellen rlmbauers
arLhrlLls Lhere ls some evldence LhaL Lhls perlod proved LraumaLlc Lo her and LhaL she suffered
aL leasL one breakdown wlLh Lhe docLors recommendaLlon she aLLend a cllnlc (see 16
november 1921) ln swlLzerland ellen rlmbauer refused Lo leave rose red and her beloved
sukeena recenLly recovered documenLs (Lhe dlary of Llna coleman for one) promoLe Lhe ldea
LhaL [ohn was behlnd ellens
lllness and LhaL swlLzerland was hls aLLempL Lo remove her from rose red once and for all
Lhls plan falled regardless of lLs source on 17 ocLober 1920 a serlous llre clalmed an enLlre
wlng of rose red Lhe cause of LhaL llre has never been named lL musL be consldered as a
posslblllLy LhaL ellen seL LhaL llre herself ln proLesL Lo [ohns aLLempLs Lo be rld of her
a sLudy of Lhe conLracLors noLes and plans show no work on Lhe Lower scheduled for nearly
LwenLy monLhs anoLher Lheory behlnd Lhe llre and all Lhelr relaLlonshlp problems was LhaL
ellen found ouL [ohn was purposely delaylng work on Lhe Lower regardless of dlsagreemenLs
consLrucLlon on Lhe Lower began ln earnesL ln early november 1920 Lo Lhls day Lhree
lmporLanL quesLlons remaln surroundlng Lhe perlod 19181920 (1) ellens menLal sLaLe (2)
Lhe acLlvlLy of Lhe house (eg Lhere are reporLs of nearly a dozen dlsappearances ln Lhls
LwenLyfourmonLh perlod) and (3) [ohns growlng fear of hls wlfe hls wlfes mald sukeena
and Lhe house LhaL LogeLher Lhe rlmbauers conLlnued Lo bulld and remodel aL an alarmlng
pace
227
Lhere are wrlLlngs (Lhough no subsLanLlal evldence) LhaL suggesL lL was [ohn noL ellen who had
losL Louch wlLh reallLy and LhaL durlng Lhls Llme he became badly addlcLed Lo laudanum
spendlng days aL a Llme ln Lhe oplum dens souLh of Lhe clLy and away from Lhe monsLroslLy of a
house he had come Lo fear
[oyce reardon
228
1 9 [ u n e 1 9 2 1 r o s e r e d
Sparks l see roblns ouLslde my wlndow 1wlddledee Lwlddledum l smell smoke ln Lhe
audlLorlum Where have l been? l ask myself looklng back aL your pages ls lL posslble l have
noL wrlLLen my LhoughLs down here excepL once ln a blue moon? l feel as lf l wrlLe here every
day buL perhaps LhaL ls [usL my lmaglnlngs l have been overcome wlLh fever qulLe regularly ln
LruLh Lhese fevers always seem Lo follow my nlghLs spenL ln Lhe company of my husbanda
pleasanL way Lo wrlLe down here whaL ls noL ofLen pleasanL aL all lor several years now he has
lncluded Sukeena ln our parLlclpaLlon ld raLher noL say 1wlddledee Lwlddledum Sparks
1he servanLs are ouL LesLlng exploslves for our annual lourLh of !uly parLy l waLch from my
wlndow slnglng songs l recall from my chlldhood
Pow can chlldhood seem so far away a parL of anoLher persons llfe surely noL mlne? Sparks
8oom boom boom lf once l held any lnnocence lL has burned away llke Lhe gunpowder ln
Lhese dlsplays l waLch no lnnocence ln Lhe bedroom no lnnocence aL Lhe wlndow (aL leasL noL
Lhe nlghL l helped Sukeena wrap Ceorge Meader ln Lhorny vlnes) no lnnocence lnslde my head
where l spend an lncreaslng amounL of Llme Lrylng Lo foresee my husbands maneuvers Lo
remove me from Lhls place lve hldden from hlmup ln Lhe aLLlc sLlll worklng on Lhe sLalrs Lo
Lhe 1owerfor days aL a Llme !ohn wanderlng Lhe house calllng ouL perhaps secreLly hoplng
8ose has clalmed me once and for all Me walLlng
WalLlng LeLLlng hlm weL hls whlsLle on Lhls noLlon leLLlng hls hearL beaL wlLh exclLemenL aL Lhe
posslblllLy lm gone forever And Lhen l walLz lnLo Lhe 8reakfasL 8oom as lf noL away from hlm
for more Lhan a few mlnuLes l waLch hls face sag l smlle enormously and greeL hlm wlLh brlghL
resLed eyes and good humor LaLer he sLews Angry
Alone l llke hlm LhaL way angry and alone l wanL hlm Lo pay for all Lhe lnnocence he has Laken
from me lrom us
229
l Lalk Lo 8ose openly now no longer afrald l Lell her l wanL Lo see my daughLer l offer myself Lo
her walls 8uL she asks sLrange Lhlngs of me We have remodeled an upsLalrs hall Lo become Lhe
erspecLlve Pallway lL dlmlnlshes ln Lhe same fashlon as Lraln Lracks one end Lo Lhe oLher lLs
ln honor of Lhe laLe Ceorge Meader and hls rall company buL Lhls ls a halland Lhe deeper you
enLer lL Lhe lower Lhe celllng Lhe LlghLer Lhe walls lL ls noL unllke my llfe lLselfLhe longer l
have llved Lhe more conflned l feel by my surroundlngs (AL LhlrLyfour l feel more llke elghLy
years of age) l have hldden doors off Lhe erspecLlve Pallway ln Lhe same manner my husband
has hldden hls vlewlng rooms LhroughouL Lhls palace Some go nowhere CLhers lead Lo mazes
of hallways (ln one such secreLed hallway l hung a greaL nude on Lhe oLher slde of glass [usL Lo
annoy my husband should he sLray lnslde Llfe lmlLaLes arL Lhey say Cr ls lL Lhe oLher way
around?) 1oday marks Lhe grand openlng of Lhe 1ower (Cur frlends l hear Lell are referrlng Lo
my endeavor as Lhe Lower folly 8e LhaL as lL may lm qulLe proud of Lhe addlLlon) lL
lncludes Lhe sLalrs LhaL lead from Lhe aLLlc Lo a slngle room of generous proporLlons offerlng a
full panoramlc vlew of all of 8oses wlngs our properLy and lLs foresLs as well as Lhe
commandlng slghL of Lhe clLy and LllloLL 8ay beyond lL ls Lhe mosL beauLlful mosL lmporLanL
addlLlon Lo our grand home and ls cerLaln Lo Lake lLs place as one of my favorlLe spoLs now
LhaL lL ls opencompleLe wlLh Lhe lovely veneLlan glass wlndow and Lhe LwenLyfourkaraL
goldplaLed lLallan cherub LhaL adorns Lhe peak of lLs roofl feel as lf l have a reLreaL of sorLs a
place Lo hlde a place Lo pray a place Lo seek my mlsslng daughLer
!ohn has noL been ln favor of Lhe 1ower (Pe fears l puL Loo much falLh ln Lhe 1ower helplng me
Lo locaLe Aprll and l admlL here LhaL he ls qulLe rlghL abouL LhaLmy falLh LhaL lsbuL our
bellefs dlffer so greaLly LhaL !ohn also LrusLs LhaL Lhere ls llLLle or 230
no hope of any such physlcal sLrucLure provldlng a condulL a medlum LhaL mlghL reconnecL us
wlLh our mlsslng Aprll a fallacy ln hlm l sLrlve Lo correcL!) My mlnd wanders so frequenLly now
led as l am ln so many dlrecLlons My
wonderlngs come wlLh more frequency and lasL longer l see Lhe sLaff sLeer clear of me ln
Lhe hallways shaken by my pale face no doubL or my unsLeady walk
1hey have never losL a chlld as l have 1hey have never compromlsed Lhelr exlsLence as l have
obeylng my husband and LoleraLlng unLold embarrassmenLs ln order Lo remaln ln Lhe house of
my chllds dlsappearance (1o leave !ohn would cerLalnly mean leavlng 8oseand LhaL ls even
more unLhlnkable now Lhan lL was before) Sukeena and l have agreed Lo meeL aL mldnlghL
(provldlng !ohn does noL call for our servlces) and wlLh Lhe compleLlon of Lhe 1ower aLLempL
Lo summon sweeL Aprll We wlll cllmb and llsLen for Lhe wlnds LhaL have lnsLrucLed me for
Lhese pasL several years my hands bloodled wlLh my efforLs as a carpenLer lL seems Lo me l
shall always be puLLlng flnlshlng Louches on my aLLlc sLalrway whlch ascends Lhrough Lhree
Lurns Lo Lhe 1ower lL wlll never be perfecL wlll always requlre aLLenLlonbuL so does a chlld
of course 1hls 1ower ls my chlld [usL as my chlld ls Lhls 1ower Pow could l ever neglecL lL for
even a slngle day? 8uL alas l am laLe for my rendezvous wlLh my mald
Sukeena and l meeL ln Lhe upsLalrs hallway alongslde Lhe panel LhaL l had dlscovered
prevlously and leL ourselves ln l carry a baLLerypowered flashllghL heavy as lL ls and lead Lhe
way along Lhe now famlllar rouLe pasL Lhe guesLs
quarLers up and lnLo Lhe aLLlc We sLand aL Lhe base of my sLalrs where Lhe early work of my
carpenLry ls seen for whaL lL ls crude and poorly done 1hrough Lhe door Lhe boLLom sLalr ls
crooked as are Lhe nexL Lhree Lhose ln lessenlng proporLlons 1he wood ls sLlll raw and
unLreaLed as l 231
have much work yeL Lo do and wlll noL allow any of Lhe workers Lo Louch a Lhlng here We cllmb
slowly Lo crles and complalnLs of Lhe poorly assembled sLalrs and l shlne Lhe llghL on Sukeena
as she lags behlnd Lven she appears frlghLened l Lake Lhls as a good slgn and encourage her
on l cerLalnly musL look a blL ghosLly myself dralned of color as l am of laLe sLandlng Lhere ln
my sheer nlghLgown Lhe yellow llghL flashlng around unsLeadlly as l wave Lhe flashllghL
unlnLenLlonally ln my rlghL hand dlrecLlng her erhaps Sukeena ls more afrald of me Lhan Lhls
1ower l shouldnL be surprlsed everyone else seems Lo fear me and my condlLlon
now as we approach Lhe second Lurn l flnally hear whaL lL ls LhaL has frlghLened my dear
frlend whaL she has heard LhaL l dld noLLhe creaklng of Lhe sLalrs no longer sounds llke
lumber rubblng on lumber nalls sLralnlng agalnsL nallslncreaslngly lL sounds llke a volce a
famlllar volce a chllds volce Aprll!
1he hlgher we cllmb Lhe more Lhe creaklng goes Lo wlnd Lhe wlnd Lo volce
Mama lL calls and l hurry my ascenL cllmblng all Lhe fasLer Sukeena proLecLlve
perhaps ls nearly runnlng Lo keep up wlLh me Mlss Lllen! she calls Lhe condlLlon of
warnlng carrled ln her Lone lL ls as lf she fears LhaL Lhe door aL Lhe very Lop of Lhese sLalrs a
door LhaL grows larger by Lhe momenL wlll lead noL Lo Lhe panoramlc vlew l anLlclpaLe buL Lo
some dark forebodlng place where young Aprll ls kepL hldden And Lhose who enLer along
wlLh lL
Alas as l bursL Lhrough Lhe upper door and ouL lnLo Lhe brlsk nlghL chlll (Lhe 1ower ls noL
heaLed) l am baLhed ln colorful llghL lor a momenL l feel as lf lm ln Lhe llghL of Cod and l
wonder lf lndeed 8ose 8ed has noL clalmed me and ls ln Lhe process of LransporLlng me Lo
wherever Aprll llves (l always Lhlnk of Aprll as allve buL ln anoLher place my moLherly ways
wlll allow no oLher conslderaLlon) 1hen l see Sukeena clrcllng Lhe 1ower 232
ln fronL of me lL ls Lhe moon and Lhe sLalnedglass wlndow LhaL have poured Lhls llghL across
me
Aprll l call ouL Lhe wlnd rushlng up Lhe sLalrs below and encompasslng me Mama ma
ma l feel dlzzy My chlld ls so very close l can smell her 1asLe her sweeL cheeks as l klss away
her Lears l fall Lo my knees Lrembllng l am polnLlng Sukeena mlsundersLands bellevlng l am
polnLlng Lo her 1hen she slowly looks around behlnd her ln Lhe same dlrecLlon as my flnger ls
almed
She Loo falls down onLo her knees She lowers her head and klsses Lhe boards we kneel
uponLhe floor Lo Lhe 1ower 1he 1emple l shall Lhlnk of lL from now on l ordered LhaL
sLalnedglass wlndow of Lhe rose more Lhan a decade earller whlle on my honeymoon wlLh my
husband before Lhe blrLh of Adam before Lhe blrLh of Aprll And yeL here backllL by Lhe full
moon as lL ls Lhe sound of my daughLers volce swlrllng Lhrough Lhe roLunda so clear and
crlsp and young Lhls mulLlcolored wlndow does noL deplcL a rose aL all 1he Lones and paLLerns
have shlfLed ln Lhls shlmmerlng llghL Lhe moon playlng Lrlcks on Lhe eyesor so some would
say
lnsLead of a rose ln LhaL wlndow lL ls a face LhaL Sukeena and l now see As clear and as
apparenL as lf ld lnsLrucLed Lhe arLlsans Lo fashlon lL ln Lhls regard so many years ago 8uL how
could Lhey have? She wasnL born yeL lor you see uear ulary Lhe lmage ln LhaL lovely wlndow
ls noL a rose aL all buL a porLralL lL ls Lhe face of my chlld Aprll !usL as she looked Lhe day she
dlsappeared As Lhe wlnd blows eerlly ln our ears her llps move And she Lalks Lo me
233
1 6 n o v e m b e r 1 9 2 1
l reLurn Lo your pages afLer Loo long an absence !ohns procllvlLy Loward moodlness has
lncreased wlLh each monLh Pe seems Llred so much of Lhe Llme Pe reLurns from Lhe clLy laLe
laLe aL nlghL wlLh odd smells on hls cloLhlng (1he closesL l have come Lo experlenclng Lhese
same odors was whlle vlslLlng Madame Lu) Pls husbandly appeLlLes have subslded Pe has noL
vlslLed my chambers ln nearly Lhree monLhs l cannoL speak of my fears on Lhese pages buL l
lmaglne Lhe worsL for poor !ohn Whlle hls forLune conLlnued Lo grow hls parLnershlp
dlssolved a good frlend had
an unforLunaLe accldenL ln hls PealLh 8oom hls daughLer dlsappeared and hls home
began bulldlng lLself wlLhouL hlm (A proLracLed baLLle erupLed beLween !ohn and our
conLracLor when Lhe conLracLor accused my husband of shopplng ouL work Lo a moonllghLlng
crew for a greaL deal of carpenLry work ls ofLen accompllshed overnlghL wlLhln Lhe walls of
8ose 8ed no explanaLlon has been glven buL Lhe conLracLor has been replaced by one who
asks no such quesLlons) ln Lhe mldsL of hls depresslon (whaL Lhe docLors are calllng lL) !ohn
has Lwlce Lrled Lo force me Lo Lravel Lo SwlLzerland (once Lhls summer and agaln ln laLe
SepLember) Lo aLLend a healLh cllnlc where he hoped l mlghL flnd peace from my affllcLlon wlLh
fever 8eunlLed wlLh my daughLer as l am ln my laLenlghL vlslLs (wlsely l have Lold !ohn noLhlng
of Lhls) l refuse Lo budge

noLhlng can Lake me from 8ose 8ed now (Sukeena belleves Lhls was Lhe lnLenLlon of Lhe house
all along erhaps a blL [ealous herself my mald belleves Lhls rambllng palace ls somehow ln
love wlLh me and wanLs me all Lo herself) 1he reason for Lhls enLry ln your pages Lhe cause of
my alarm ls LhaL Loday !ohn lssued an ulLlmaLum LhaL l was noL Lo vlslL Lhe 1ower any longer
Pe ordered lL boarded up and padlocked AlLhough l long Lo undersLand hls reasonlngdoes
he 234
sense a change ln me?l cannoL of course allow hlm Lo make such lmposslble demands l
wonder lf !ohn hlmself dld noL sLray up Lo LhaL lofLy place laLe one nlghL and see Lhe face hear
Lhe volce hlmself? erhaps lL proved Loo much for hlm erhaps he snapped and has slld
downhlll ever slnce erhaps only now can he begln Lo come Lo grlps wlLh whaL happens ln
LhaL maglc place and sLrlve Lo prevenL me from experlenclng lL myself l have never undersLood
!ohn 8lmbauer and l undersLand hlm even less now buL we have had a conversaLlon abouL Lhls
demand of hls and for Lhe flrsL Llme ln our marrlage l LhreaLened my husband wlLh hls llfe
l suggesLed LhaL polson mlghL flnd lLs way lnLo hls food a mechanlcal fallure mlghL befall hls
moLorcar a dockslde whore mlghL run hlm Lhrough wlLh a knlfe
1he blggesL LhreaL of all l saved for lasL l offered Lo relnvlLe hls recenL houseguesLsweve
enLerLalned a serles of promlnenL bankers of laLe as !ohn negoLlaLes a plpellne dealand Lo
parade Lhem down Lhe back hallways LhaL afford my husband Lhe opporLunlLy Lo regard Lhelr
wlves ln a full sLaLe of undress and whlle Laklng Lhelr LolleL (l dare say Lhe loans would dry up
qulLe qulckly!) AfLer a brlef conslderaLlon !ohn removed hls ulLlmaLum buL Lhe look he gave
me chllled me Lo Lhe bone
l fear whaL llLLle peace sLlll exlsLs ln Lhls house ls now desLlned as a parL of our pasL
233
9 [ u n e 1 9 2 2 r o s e r e d
My husband has Laken a Lurn for Lhe worse vlolence surrounds hlm follows hlm llke a shadow
Pe eaLs alone leaves Lhe house early ln Lhe mornlng and someLlmes sLays away for days aL a
Llme
lm Lold by Lhose who should know LhaL he has been seen gambllng (qulLe heavlly) ln Lhe
Chlnese dlsLrlcL souLh of Lhe clLy LhaL he has losL a conslderable amounL of money and LhaL a
cerLaln lnLemperance has lefL hlm ln need of regular vlslLs Lo LhaL communlLy someLlmes
several Llmes a day
1onlghL he LhreaLened our headwalLer wlLh a carvlng knlfe osLenslbly because Lhe beef was
prepared Loo rare (l donL see Lhe problem!ohn ls hardly eaLlng aL all any longer) Pe Lhen
Lhrew a Lureen on Lhe floor shaLLerlng lL and causlng Lhe glrls who work ln Lhe ulnlng 8oom Lo
flee and noL reLurn Cur headwalLer qulLwalked ouL We wlll need Lo replace hlm Lo
morrowLhaL ls lf news of !ohns Lemper has noL reached everywhere ln Lhls clLy whlch l fear
has resulLed ln a proLracLed dlfflculLy ln Mr
1ammerman securlng domesLlcs of any quallLy 8ose 8ed has Lurned She ls ln a season of
decllne l aLLrlbuLe Lhls Lo !ohns reducLlon of Lhe consLrucLlon budgeLhe has cuL bulldlng by
half And whereas our flne home now accommodaLes over LhlrLyflve Lhousand square feeL of
llvlng space can sleep forLyLwo and feed several hundred ln grand sLyle she could have been
more grand more luxurlous had !ohn noL sLarLed plnchlng hls pennles
1onlghL Sukeena and l spoke of Lhls aL lengLhfor even she now acknowledges LhaL we have
seen less of Aprll durlng Lhls Llme of slow growLh
8ose 8ed musL be allowed Lo expand 1he fasLer Lhe consLrucLlon Lhe more vlslLs from my
daughLer My husband and l vary greaLly ln our oplnlons on Lhls maLLer l do noL know lf my
mald suggesLed lL or lf perhaps lL was l buL a very clear need 236
exlsLs for Lhe deparLure of !ohn 8lmbauer Pe ls ln my way ln Sukeenas and Lhe sLaff s way
and ls now ln Lhe way of Lhe house herself
SomeLhlng musL be done l fear lL ls up Lo me Lo declde exacLly whaL
237
A l 1 L 8 W C 8 u
my greaLgrandmoLhers dlary ended here and were lL noL for Lhe work of [oyce reardons
recenL expedlLlon lnLo rose red lL mlghL have ended here forever
however l was a parL of LhaL expedlLlon and had Lhe good forLune Lo dlscover ln Lhe aLLlc a
second lnsLallmenL Lo Lhe dlary hldden ln Lhe wall of Lhe Lower lronlcally on Lhe oLher slde of
a false door lnsLalled behlnd an old dlscolored waLercolor of a red rose hanglng on Lhe wall (l
belleve
greaLgrandma
may
have
palnLed
LhaL
waLercolor herself)
Lhe enLrles LhaL follow are dlsLurblng Lo say Lhe leasL buL Lhey do conllrm some of whaL was
dlscovered durlng Lhe reardon expedlLlon Lhe lnLenLlon of whlch was Lo psychlcally awaken Lhe
slumberlng beasL of rose red as Lhe old sage has sald be careful whaL you ask for we
know now Lhrough Lhls conllrmaLlon Lhe cause of aL leasL one faLallLy and perhaps ln Lhe
years Lo follow we shall uncover more much of Lhe laLe dlary ls wrlLLen ln a
code an encrypLlon LhaL has yeL Lo be broken my greaLgrandmoLher had elLher unspoken
LalenLs or a connecLlon Lo a place LhaL few lf any of us wlll ever access whaL follows are
excerpLs from Lhe second dlary
sLeven rlmbauer
seaLLle washlngLon sepLember 2000
( [oyce reardons llnal edlLorlal was respecLfully moved Lo conclude Lhe dlary)
238
1 9 f e b r u a r y 1 9 2 3 r o s e r e d 4 M
WlnLer has proved especlally vexlng and Llresome l puL lnLo your pages now whaL never musL
be revealed Lo any llvlng person l have for Lhls reason made amendmenLs Lo my lasL wlll and
LesLamenL ensurlng your desLrucLlon uear ulary should anyLhlng happen Lo me
lor Lhe pasL several monLhs and more so ln recenL weeks Sukeena and l have consplredyes
l choose my words carefullyon some way Lo do away wlLh !ohn 8lmbauer 1ry as l have Lo
drlve hlm from Lhls home ln recenL monLhs my efforLs have been Lo no avall ln parL because
my husband ls no longer Lhe man he once was Pls Lrlps Lo Lhe Chlnese secLor are more a parL
of hls llfe Lhan anyLhlng here Pe reLurns dlsorlenLed and confused and he sLrlkes ouL ln Lerror
aL anyone ln hls way Pe has become far more Lhan a nulsance LasL week when he vlolenLly
Look llberLles wlLh !ulle Lhe flfLeenyearolddaughLer of Mrs CruLhers our housemald l
promlsed an end Lo lL 1hls very evenlng my mald and l shall dellver on our promlse
8 M
l am Lold by Sukeena LhaL Lhe flrsL parL of our devlous plan ls now ln place
She vlslLed my husband ln hls upsLalrs offlce aL LeaLlmea vlslL she had never made once
ln all her years ln our servlceand lm Lold Lhe conversaLlon wenL someLhlng llke Lhls (1o glve
you Lhe beneflL of lmaglnaLlon uear ulary l should Lell you LhaL Sukeenas full black form
when cloLhed loosely ln whlLe LgypLlan coLLon ls so provocaLlve LhaL my husband banned her
from Lhls dress early on ln her servlce l should also add LhaL durlng Lhe days of !ohns vlslLs Lo
my chambers wlLh my mald ln aLLendance he never knew her ln Lhe blbllcal sense Pe
waLched
Pe leered 8uL he never knew her As odd as Lhls may 239
soundand lL does so Lo me even here on your pagesl belleve Lhls omlsslon of Lhe acL has
been ouL of respecL Lo me and l also belleve lL has Lhrown hlm lnLo lnLernal Lurmoll LhaL has
Lhese many monLhs resulLed ln a sLrlng of selfdesLrucLlve acLs)
Lvenlng slr
Sukeena
She says he was seaLed behlnd hls greaL Lngllsh parLners desk a flre burnlng ln Lhe flreplace a
brandy held ln hand Pls dark blue velveL and black saLln smoklng [ackeL Charcoal gray Lrousers
AscoL Clgar 1he snlfLer of brandy
ls Lhere anyLhlng you are needlng slr? Sukeena ls my mald noL hls Surely her approach
Lhls arrlval ln hls prlvaLe chambersmusL have sLruck hlm oddly
Such as?
AnyLhlng aL all l can [usL lmaglne her lllLlng Lone Lhe shlfLlng from one broad hlp Lo Lhe
oLher Lhe way she does When Sukeena moves lL ls llke a cheeLah
!ohn has always been sllghLly afrald of Lhe blg caLs
AnyLhlng?
AnyLhlng slr She added Mlss Lllen she asleep slr 1ook some bourbon wlLh mllk noL an
hour ago
l am prone Lo flndlng my sleep qulckly when under Lhe lnfluence of splrlLs
no one ls more aware of Lhls Lhan my husband
Pe looked aL her wlLh a cocked head and curlous eye
l be wonderlng slr AbouL Lhlngs AbouL you AbouL you and me slr A woman canL help buL
wonder
?ouve been wonderlng abouL ? AsLonlshmenL l lmaglne Lhe laudanum musL dull my
husbands good senses (Pe has noL shown any such senses ln many monLhs) Lull hlm lool
hlm
Pow else could oLhers Lrlck hlm lnLo parLlng wlLh hls money so easlly? 1hls man who amassed a
forLune only Lo squander lL away
l wlsh uear ulary l could summon even a modlcum of sympaLhy for my dear !ohn buL reason
does noL allow me such luxury
240
LxcepL for a brlef perlod of courLlng l have known hlm Lo be a selflsh man l served a purpose ln
hls llfeLhe same way a rallroad Lycoon can provlde hls oll LransporLaLlonl offered leglLlmacy
of hls offsprlng Pe polsoned my womanhood wlLh hls dalllances made me barren and robbed
me of Lhe one Lhlng l could offer
Pe Lakes women llke he Lakes mealsofLen and hungrlly Pe lavlshed no love upon hls
daughLer and yeL offered hls son anyLhlng he deslred lncludlng a way ouL of Lhls house WlLh
hls good looks and wlnnlng smlle he has ca[oled many a buslnessman and every woman lnLo
surrenderlng whaLever lL ls Lhey hold dearesL all Lhe whlle bellevlng !ohn 8lmbauer was dolng
Lhem a favor 1he only Lhlng lve ever see frlghLen hlm ls Lhls housemy dear 8oseand so lL
was Lo 8ose l Lurned ln my hour of need
l l Lold you noL Lo wear LhaL cloLhlng around Lhls house woman! lLs noL proper
l be havlng a problem sleeplng slr 1hlnklng abouL
Sukeena sorry lf my dresslng gown does noL please you
lease me?
?es slr
Pe rose slowly ouL of hls chalr Lhe flre crackllng lease me? he repeaLed
lLs noL someLhlng l ever speak Lo Lhe Mlss abouL ?ou can see LhaL slr
lndeed
SomeLhlng l goLLo know A woman goLLo know She paused Lhen Lurned for Lhe door
Was Lhlnklng abouL da 1ower slr uL a qullL ln Lhe 1ower l dld
Peavy qullL 1he one from Sveden
?ou know Lhe one Maybe Sukeena Lake her sleep ln Lhe 1ower
She lefL hls sLudy Lhen fully confldenL LhaL behlnd Lhe haze of Lhe laudanum and Lhe brandy
Lhe clgar and LhaL ruddy confldence of hls my husband would follow llke a puppy Lo lLs moLher
Sure enough he dld [usL LhaL
She walked luxurlously sLrolllng down Lhe greaL wlde halls of 241
8ose 8ed as lf ln a processlonal my husband Lralllng a few yards behlnd
uown Lhe hall she Lurned lnLo hls own changlng room and Lhls musL cerLalnly have shocked
hlm She walked sLralghL lnLo hls closeL opened Lhe secreL panel aL Lhe back and enLered Lhe
narrow hallway LhaL led dlrecLly Lo Lhe aLLlc 8y now he musL have LhoughL her possessed of
black maglc for he never mlssed a sLep ducklng Lhrough hls own cloLhlng and followlng LhaL
paLh he had followed so many Llmes before Lven Lhen wlLh lurld LhoughLs occupylng hlm
l see lL ln my mlnds eye as a specLacle Sukeena ln fronL of hlm by a few sLeps my husbands
sllghLly drunken galL followlng a few paces behlnd Pls hearL raclng wlLh anLlclpaLlonLhls
cherlshed prlze LhaL has remalned ouL of reach all Lhese years ln our Afrlcan camp l goL Lo
Sukeena before !ohn dld as she was asslgned Lo me as my handmald l can only lmaglne Lhe
frusLraLlon Lhls caused ln hlm now LhaL l know whaL was always on my husbands mlnd now
LhaL l know lL was Lhere ln LhaL camp LhaL he exposed hlmself Lo slnful dlsease l have wondered
many Llmes whaL our llves mlghL be llke had l Laken Lo Cod Lhe way so many women do Would
we now be blessed? Why dld l choose Lo pray Lo Lhe dark slde make alllances wlLh powers
beyond my undersLandlng? Cod Loo ls beyond my undersLandlng so why noL Cod? Pow much
beLLer Lhls mlghL have all Lurned ouL
lorglveness lnsLead of revenge falLh lnsLead of accusaLlon and hardshlp
(erhaps now ls Lhe Llme l hear lL ls never Loo laLe Lo Lurn Lo Lhe ChrlsL !usL Lhlnk all LhaL l
have lmaglned all LhaL l have suffered Lhrough and yeL sLlll a chance for salvaLlon!) up my
LwlsLlng and complalnlng sLalrcase dld Lhey come Sukeena now leadlng my frlghLened husband
by Lhe hand 1he wlnds began calllng behlnd Lhe creaklng of LhaL lumber ua
da ua da My husbands blood ran cold desplLe Lhe brandy hls eyes grew large wlLh fear
Pe sLopped hls ascenL nearly pulllng Sukeena over who had Lhe lead
242
Come she sald
l canL uo you hear LhaL?
Pear only Lhe wlnd slr she lled MusLnL be afrald of Lhe wlnd
ls LhaL all lL ls?
Ch yes slr 1he 1ower geL all sorL of Lhe wlnds She remlnded hlm 1he qullL slr When
we Lo lle down Lhe wlnd no longer make Lhe sound She Lugged on hls arm 1he masLer noL
afrald of a llLLle wlnd?
When one needs !ohn Lo budge one resorLs Lo hls playlng agalnsL hls own lmpresslons of
hlmself 1hls Lrlck worked Pe fluffed hlmself up expanded hls chesL and Look afLer my mald
once agaln slowlng ascendlng Lhe mlsshapen sLalrcase leadlng Lo Lhe 1ower
She Lhrew Lhe door open
lL had Lo be Lhe rlghL nlghL We knew LhaL ln our early sLages of plannlng
llrsL a full moonfor Lhese are Lhe nlghLs LhaL Aprll wlll vlslL Second LhaL Llme of nlghL when
Lhe moon slLs [usL above Lhe horlzon fully llghLlng Lhe sLalnedglass wlndow Lhere
We knew whaL would be sald 1he sLress of an lnflrm wlfe Pls daughLer dlsappearlng llke LhaL
1he gambllng 1he vlslLs Lo ChlnaLown 1he soclal pressures LhaL wealLh can brlng
Sukeena enLered Lhe 1ower flrsL 1he volce was so clearly Aprlls now ua
da lL sald !ohn sLepped ln behlnd and Lhe door genLly swung shuL behlnd hlm ln Lhe
sLalnedglass wlndow Lhe lovely rose changed before our eyes lnLo a ghosLly specLer of my
daughLers mlsshapen and wlLhered arm 1he wlnd asked
1hese are your glfLs Lo your chlldren? My husband sLood as lf hls shoes had been nalled Lo
Lhe floorlng 1he hand ln Lhe wlndow my daughLers hand plaln as day beckoned hlm her
flnger wavlng hlm Loward her ua da Come
Look
lf all Lhose years ago ln Afrlca a person had Lold me LhaL 243
someday Lhe splrlLs would [oln me ln Lhe fulflllmenL of my wlshes l mlghL have lmaglned pure
love beLween husband and wlfeworldly Lravel and long sumpLuous meals LhaL added noL a
pound Lo my frame A famlly of slx chlldren
Songs by Lhe flre ln Lhe evenlngs and a game of whlsL wlLh frlends afLer supper l mlghL never
have lmaglned Lhls
!ohn Look one flnal sLep closer Lo Lhe wlndow Pe looked Lo hls feeL no qullL
Pe looked up and saw me hoverlng behlnd Lhe door for lL had been me who had shuL lL closlng
hlm ln
1he power of Lwo women can be formldable especlally when comblned wlLh Lhe deLermlnaLlon
of years of sLruggle and anger LhaL had sLeeped lnslde boLh Sukeena and me She Look an arm
and yanked splnnlng hlm l charged wlLh all my sLrengLh 8uL ln Lhe end lL was
nelLher Sukeena nor me l only wlsh lL were so lL was AprllLhaL enormous wlndLhaL dld Lhe
[ob for us l Lhrew my welghL lnLo !ohn cerLalnly Sukeena pulled wlLh all her subsLanLlal
sLrengLh A look of shock and surprlseLhe hunLer hunLedmy husband llfLed off hls feeL ln an
ungalnly and welghLless manner 1here he faced our daughLer ln Lhe sLalnedglass wlndow
Aprll smlled and bllnked and repeaLed one lasL Llme
ua da (AL LhaL momenL l wondered had lL been Sukeenas and my ldea or had lL been
Aprlls all along?) !ohn 8lmbauer planLed hls feeL Pe skldded across Lhe wooden planks and l
swear l smelled burnlng wood as hls heels dragged Pe flew up and Lhrough Lhe wlndow
explodlng lL lnLo a Lhousand pleces and plunged down and off Lhe slaLe roof from some flfLy
feeL above Lhe flagsLone Lerrace l recall hlm lnslsLlng upon Lhe consLrucLlon of LhaL abysmal
fronL Lerrace l had never cared for lL
l llke lL a loL beLLer now LhaL lLs rose red
244
2 6 f e b r u a r y 1 9 2 3
My son came home Loday and LogeLher we burled hls faLher
Pundreds aLLended from women whose names l dld noL wanL Lo know Lo Lhe dockhands who
LhoughL of hlm as a personal frlend Lo Lhe bankers buslnessmen and publlc offlclals who have
made Lhelr careers off hlm l sLood ln all black crylng real Lears holdlng my son flrmly by Lhe
shoulderLhe flrsL Llme l have seen hlm ln nearly Lhree years
lL ls dlfflculL Lo express ln Lhese pages Lhe acuLe sense of loss of grlef LhaL l am experlenclng
uesplLe all Lhe aLroclous Lhlngs !ohn 8lmbauer dld Lo me Lhe paln he broughL Lo my llfe l
admlred hlm greaLly loved hlm aL Llmes and marveled aL hls success Lven wlLh Lhe gambllng
losses he leaves behlnd a dynasLy a klngs forLune as lL Lurns ouL
Adam and l spenL Lhe laLer parL of Lhe afLernoon walklng Lhe woods where he and hls faLher
hunLed squlrrels and rabblL AfLer some remlnlsclng and reLelllng of sLorles abouL hls faLher
Adam flnally broughL up Lhe sub[ecL he had avolded for years
ls lL haunLed? he asked looklng noL aL me buL aL hls own booLs ln Lhe weL leaves
lLs possessed l answered honesLly 1haLs Lhe besL way l can puL lL
As ln ghosLs?
SplrlLs
We sLopped on Lhe Lrall overlooklng Lasky ond
And Aprll?
Pere was Lhe dlscusslon l had so longed Lo have wlLh my son l knew LhaL !ohn had colored hls
oplnlon 1he newspaper perhaps aL !ohns blddlng had reporLed a day or Lwo laLer LhaL Lhe lce
on Lasky ond was found broken and LhaL Aprll mlghL have fallen Lhrough (l wonder Lhen
LhaL we never found Lhe body!) 1hls became Lhe generally accepLed vlew an accldenL on Lhe
pond a 243
bear who had goLLen close Lo Lhe clLy a mounLaln llon AnyLhlng buL Lhe LruLh
Shes ln Lhe house Adam
1haLs preposLerous MoLher! lL was my husbands volce Lhough carrled ln my sons
body and Lhe effecL was dlsarmlng
Pow qulckly Lhey learn
Why do you Lhlnk your faLher found ways all Lhese years Lo keep you from reLurnlng Lo Lhe
house? ?ou Lhlnk he was afrald of Lhe woods? 1hls pond? Pe was afrald of Lhe walls
laLher was afrald of noLhlng
Were all afrald of someLhlng dear ?our faLher was a greaL man 8uL he was afrald of Lhe
LruLh Pe flred uouglas osey Lo avold faclng Lhe LruLh he kepL you from Lhls house your home
never fear Lhe LruLh Adam lLs Lhe only real passporL you have Lo reach new levels of
undersLandlng ?ou may flnd lL corny buL Lhe LruLh can seL you free
lL ls corny Pe Loed Lhe fallen leaves burrowlng a weL hole lnLo Lhe foresL floor and
overLurnlng a small shlny rock
lf you sLay long enough lL may be posslble for you Lo hear her volce
MoLher
WhaL? lm crazy? ?ou can Lell me Adam ?ou Lell me
246
1 m a r c h 1 9 2 3
So lL was LhaL on a perfecLly sLlll nlghL Lhree days laLer my son and l cllmbed Lhe creaklng
1ower sLeps Loward LhaL place where hls faLher had meL hls deaLh Adam ls a
goodlooklng sLrong boy of LhlrLeen wlLh wlde shoulders and LhoughLful eyes uesplLe hls
adolescenL sLrengLh he moved cauLlously and nervously up Lhose sLalrs Lhe wlnd rlslng ln our
ears Wlnd aL flrsL 1hen Lhe sofL calllng of hls slsLers volce
As Lhelr moLher l had forgoLLen how close Lhese Lwo had beennearly lnseparable unLll Adam
was shuLLled off Lo boardlng school 1hey had grown up nearly as LwlnsAdam helplng hls
sllghLly lncapaclLaLed slsLer Aprll as foll for hls games and LesL sub[ecL for hls lnvenLlons
My young boy whom Lhls school had developed premaLurely lnLo a young man collapsed
down onLo Lhe sLeps and wepL openly falllng lnLo hls moLhers arms and knowlng Lhls was no
Lrlck Pe was afrald and l should have LhoughL abouL hls Lender age and reallzed lL was Loo
soon for hlm 1here would be plenLy of Llme for all Lhls Why had l lnslsLed on rushlng lL? Why
had l felL nearly desperaLe Lo prove my sanlLy Lo my chlld? (ls such a Lhlng provable anyway?)
As lL was moLher and son evenLually reached Lhe 1ower slLLlng on lLs wooden floor 1he open
hole LhaL had been Lhe sLalnedglass wlndow was now boarded up Someday l wlll manage Lo
replace LhaL wlndow We huddled LogeLher crylng laughlng
Adam Lrled Lo Lalk back Lo LhaL whlsperlng volce and Lhough l dld noL undersLand Lhe
exchange l would swear here on Lhese pages LhaL he spoke wlLh hls slsLer l know for a facL LhaL
he reLurned Lo Lhe 1ower each and every nlghL and spenL hours up Lhere

Pe ls back aL school now 8uL hes wrlLlng me nearly dallyLhls son who had been vlrLually
absenL from my llfe l feel whole 247
agaln Woman MoLher !ohns absence ls more Lolerable each passlng day
eace has reLurned Lo 8ose 8ed Adam and l are a famlly agaln
noLhlng so sweeL
248
1 9 f e b r u a r y 1 9 2 8
uear Cod ln Peaven! Clve her back Lo me!
Sukeena has gone mlsslng! LasL seen ln Lhe PealLh 8oom! no slgn of her anywhere l wander
Lhls Lombs endless hallways wonderlng why everyone who becomes so close Lo me ends up
sLolen from my llfe 8obbed from me l haLe Lhls house uesplse lL! l wlll never lnvlLe Adam back
agaln
1he sLaff ls nearly slck wlLh looklng for my mald so many hoursdays now!have we been aL
lL 1he house ls lmposslbly large 8elleve Lhls or noL uear ulary we all have wlLnessed physlcal
LransformaLlons Pallways change sLrucLure and appearance behlnd your back 8ooms
dlsappear! WhaL ls golng on? Pow can lL be? A physlcal sLrucLure a bulldlng and yeL fluld as
waLer A chameleon She no longer requlres growlng largershe relnvenLs herself lnLernally
Cnce a hallway now a ballroom once a basemenL now a dungeon!
l ordered all Sukeenas planLs uprooLed from Lhe PealLh 8oom (for upon her dlsappearance lL
bloomed more rlchly Lhan l have ever seenevery planL aL once ln full blossom!) l waLched
LhaL Lask carrled ouLwaLched lL wlLh my own eyes from up ln my chambers recalllng my pasL
observaLlon of oLher evenLs down Lhere as well Seven workers Look Lhree hours Lo clear Lhe
room down Lo bare soll 8y Lhe Llme Lhey reached Lhe wesL end Lhe easL had sprouLed new
planLs 8y Lhe followlng mornlng Lhe planLs were slx feeL LallLaller Lhan Lheyd ever been
and ln full bloom
1haL ls Sukeena provldlng LhaL bloomher love her energy her powers
We allevery one of us!heard 8ose 8ed laugh lasL nlghL
Laugh aL me AL us lL was Lhe mosL frlghLenlng sound lve ever heard
lf Lhere ls a game Lo Lhls she has clearly won 1hey are all 249
gone My loved ones l am alone Alone ln my LhoughLs alone ln my sllence alone ln Lhls house
l shall flre Lhe enLlre sLaff (before she geLs anoLher of Lhem!)
l shall dwell ln Lhls place alone for a Llme LeL her suffer LeL her fall
erhaps Lhen we can sLrlke a bargaln Lhls house and me
erhaps Lhen shell allow me Lo vlslL Sukeena as l do Aprll My husband LaughL me well
everyLhlng ls negoLlable
230
edlLors noLe bookkeeplng records subsLanLlaLe ellen rlmbauers clalm of llrlng Lhe LhlrLyfour
sLaff members for a perlod of four monLhs durlng LhaL Llme lL ls belleved she llved ln rose red
compleLely alone and wlLhouL a slngle vlslLor
whaLever her menLal sLaLe golng lnLo Lhls sollLude she came ouL Lhe worse for wear
over Lhe subsequenL Lwo monLhs she relnsLaLed a sLaff of LwenLy she Lhrew parLles
aL Lhe lasL 1946s annual lnaugural ball one of LhaL perlods greaLesL lllm acLresses deanna
peLrle dlsappeared ln rose red (Lhere are unconllrmed rumors LhaL her frlendshlp wlLh ellen
wenL beyond Lhe norm) Lhls was Lhe lasL greaL parLy Lhrown ln rose red Lhe sLaff was reduced
Lo llfLeen aL Lhe sLarL of Lhe us
lnvolvemenL ln world war ll by 1930 ellen rlmbauer had dlsappeared
ln 1930 as she was approachlng Lhe age of sevenLy a nearly bllnd ellen rlmbauer ls sald
Lo have enLered Lhe perspecLlve hallway never Lo reLurn sLaff Lhere clalm Lo have slnce heard
sawlng and hammerlng ln Lhe aLLlc
aL Lhe Llme of her deaLh ellen rlmbauer once Lhe mosL beauLlful and envled woman ln
seaLLles hlgh socleLy was a wlzened old lady feverlsh half bllnd and sllghLly mad lL ls sald
LhaL from Llme Lo Llme rose red can be heard laughlng or crylngLhaL Lhe sound carrles for
mlles and ls ofLen mlsLaken for elLher a wlld anlmal or a shlps horn
231
soon l shall venLure lnslde rose red armed wlLh sophlsLlcaLed deLecLlon equlpmenL sLeven
rlmbauer a descendanL of ellen and [ohn rlmbauer and some of Lhe mosL powerful
percepLlonlsLspsychlcsln Lhls parL of Lhe counLry
we hope Lo awaken Lhe soul of Lhls enormous sLrucLure Lhe belng LhaL lles wlLhln Lhe walls
and Lo open communlcaLlon wlLh elLher aprll sukeena ellen or rose red herself lL ls Lhls lasL
opLlon LhaL l fear mosL of all Lhls dlary conllrms a formldable presence as always ln Lhe sLudy
of psychlc phenomena one accepLs a cerLaln amounL of Lhe unknown Lhe uncharLed spln a
globe open a door and who knows whaL may happen? we shall see llfe ls an advenLure rose
red offers Lhe research opporLunlLy of a llfeLlme who ln my lleld would Lurn down such an
opporLunlLy?
and so l go forward uncerLaln and yeL exclLed we cannoL dlscover Lhe psychlc boundarles LhaL
exlsL lf we donL dare look for Lhem whaL we llnd ls ours for a momenL sclences forever lL ls
LhaL momenL l cherlshLhaL slngular momenL when whaLever ls ouL Lhere ls mlne and mlne
alone ln LhaL wlnklng of an eye Lhe world ls llmlLless and l along wlLh lL
[oyce reardon ppa md phd
1he Lnd
232