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December 9th, 2011 Volume 4, Issue 14 pittifulnews.com

I G U A N A W E
Like a Boss WILLS BUTLER -STAFF CAPTIONEER

Iguana Week Is Here Again, For First Time

WILLS BUTLER senior writer Tis the season once again here at the Pittiful News offices where the first annual Iguana Pride week has begun in earnest. After much research and more than a little fairy dust, our crack team of writers have delivered you some hard-core journalism on a truly controversial hot-button issue. Sit back and enjoy as we shed some light in areas that many find it uncomfortable to see. If youre lucky, you might even learn something! Merry Iguana week everyone, and a Happy Finals Week!
IN THIS ISSUE page 2 joke of the week wasp-man sighting reader poll page 3 weekly forecast nba lockout benedum brawl page 4 & 5 iguana timeline wordsearch page 6 words to impress the ladies both sides

E K

Iguanas Free at Last!

Recorded by WILLS BUTLER Four Score and One Hundred Fifty-Five Years ago, our founding fathers created this great nation of ours. This was indeed a place of manifest destiny, where dreams came true and fortunes werent fixed. when Civil Rights were supposedly guaranteed for every citizen.

we, and has sustained a level of noble stoicism that is unmatched in the other peoples of this earth. Let us not Well, what of those who cast down our brother! arent represented? For he is just that: a What of a colorful, brother; be he cut from thoughtful, and beautiful a different cloth, or people who find themborn to a different race, But it was not of equaliselves unable to marry we are not to decide his ty! No, not four score and whomever they please, worth. nine years later, when unable to obtain US citifreedom was granted to zenship, and most horriall men. Neither was it If we truly are such a fyingly, unable to even when, two score and fifsuperior race, then by be considered people. teen years later, the votGod let us show it! Be ing playing field was free, Iguanas! Free to evened out between the As Im sure you are well love, free to play, free sexes. The closest we aware, the majestic ( Continued on page 6; came was two score and Iguana has been on this FREE) four years after that, fair earth far longer than

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the pittiful news

december 9th, 2011

Something Like a Butterfly, Sting Like a Bee

SAMANTHA PROCTOR staff writer Last week Oaklands own new superhero, Wasp-man, was spotted at Einsteins Bagels in Posvar. He was seen casually munching on a bagel and helping a young civilian with math homework (wow, Wasp-man, what a guy!) when, suddenly, danger struck! A relatively unattractive female two tables away stood up to leave without noticing she had dropped her Pitt Panther ID!!!!! Fortunately, Wasp-man (originally in his day attire) swung his hood up, took off his glasses and put his red 2010 Vancouver Olympic mittens on, and swooped over to re-

trieve and return the womans card. After this, he returned to helping the freshman complete her algebra notes. These are the normal, Good Samaritan-ly habits of our dear Wasp-man; however, this event was very important because we now have a clue as to who he is!! People of Pittsburgh, please help us uncover Wasp-mans true identity! We have noted that he is a white male with curly brown hair and glasses. His name is Wills and he owns a pair of Olympic mittens from 2010! This last part is the biggest clue of all because there are only 500 pairs of Vancouver 2010 Olympic mittens in the world. Next week, here at the Pittiful News headquarters, we will be taking interviews, anonymous tips, nonymous tips, and any evidence such as photos, strands of DNA, or the

Seriously, who *is* this unmasked crusader? WILLS BUTLER STAFF CAPTIONEER/SUPER-HERO like. Pittiful News will not stand by passively; we will find the true identity of Wasp-man!

What do you call an Iguana that likes Hip-Hop? A Rap-tile

WILLS BUTLER Senior Writer

Reader Response Challenge

Three words to express your views on iguana-human relationships

M. Filandilokus NOT FOR ME.

J. Thomas IGUANAS? POSSIBLY SEXY.

Scruffles GRRHHHM.

the pittiful news

december 9th, 2011

W E E KLY F OR C AST

friday

saturday

sunday

monday

tuesday

NBA lockout is over!

WILLS BUTLER senior writer As the senior sports correspondent here at the Pittiful News, I was shocked to discover that there had been an NBA lockout occurring right under my nose! Not only that, but did you know that Michael Jordan is retired? He was my favorite player! I loved him in Space Jam. Regardless, I soldiered on and found out that not only had it started (in July), but it also had the audacity to end before I had a chance to comment on it! Rude.

only risen to slightly below $8 million? These poor souls need to eat, damn it! And a few of them exclusively dine on endangered species coated in gold leaf! Inflation affects us all, you know. And then on the other hand, the owners of these teams, all hard working men and women (uh, just men actually, whoops!), they toil day in and day out just to make a buck. While the wealthiest NBA owner Paul Allen makes do with his net worth of $13.2 Billion, poor Peter Holt, on the other hand, scrapes by with only $80 million to his name! Clearly neither side is in a position to give concessions, especially not in this economic climate. Fortunately, however, after only 6 months of negotiation both sides have reached an amicable solution. Players are eligible to around 51% of the total basketball-related income of the owners, and the owners can continue to be millionaires and billionaires respectively.

Brawl in Benedum
SAMANTHA PROCTOR staff writer Benedum Hall is known by Pitt students to be a great place to study and munch for decades now; old and young alike will come with their friends, although those without friends are also welcome to come alone (even though THATs a bit embarrassing). However, at 10:30 am on Thursday, December 8th, things took a turn for the worst. A freshman at Pitt seated near another student, who happened to be snacking in a vivacious manner, was suddenly brought to fits of uncontrollable rage by his hungry neighbors habits! The freshman posted on Facebook, If this guy next to me chews any louder, theres probably gonna be a brawl in Benedum.... This brings us to remember the infamous 1874 Brawl in Benedum incident where a battle was fought over a similar issue (rebellion against discrimination and discontent with school legislation) and resulted in hundreds of casualties but very little change in the system. One might wonder if what experts are calling the NeoB-Brawl will be as effective as the last Brawl in Benedum. Keep updated on any major breakthroughs as Pittiful News follows the unfolding of this Brawl.

And look how messy they are! Clean up after yourselves, please. WILLS BUTLER -STAFF CAPTIONEER Fortunately, the lockout (legally) isnt over yet, so theres plenty of time to do what sports commentators do best: speculate wildly! Needless to say, NBA players and owners alike had reasons to strike. For example, did you know that the average NBA salary for players was only $5.2 million last year? And, this year, has

Oh you guys, how could we stay mad at you?

the pittiful news

december 9th, 2011

Iguanas: A Timeline of Oppression and Progression

Jake Swanson - Staff Writer Iguanas have had a tumultuous past. If anything, with all of the controversy surrounding their rights today, most Americans tend to forget that progress has been made. This timeline examines the oppression of Iguanas throughout the ages and the movements that have gotten them as far as they are today. 1768 - The first Iguana is classified and recorded by Austrian naturalist Josephus Nicolaus Laurenti. Orders for them to become pets are made almost immediately. 1770 - The Iguana Trade comes into full swing, with the creatures being forcibly outed from their homes, chained to boats and forced to row them across the ocean, which would be an adorable image were the situation not so horrible. You Bastards.

1787 - The United States Constitution is ratified. An excerpt declaring that Iguanas are equal to zero-fifths of a person is cut, due to the low number of pet Iguanas in the states and a drunken Samuel Adams, upon reading the note, famously roaring, Everybody knows that! Pro-Iguana activists still cite the lack of any specific text in the constitution as reason that Iguana rights do not violate laws. 1866 - With the end of the American Civil War, Iguanas begin migrating towards the States, in hopes of a free and fair society. Most of them are, sadly, locked into terrariums. 1954 - The pro-Iguana integration court case of Green v. Board of Education is thrown out, due to a no-show of the plantiff. Later What the hell is wrong with you. findings show that the Iguanas who were supposed to have attended had slept in. Conspiracy theorists believe that the case had actually been scheduled during the winter with this intent. 1954 - Eisenhower allows a school to bring in brations are cut short when they realize that the Iguana is not being let in as a student, but rather as research for a biology class. 1955 - Iguana leader Verde Antilles, in protest of his species constant imprisonment, seats himself at the front of a bus. He is killed that same day when a woman named Rosa Parks sits on him. 1962 - The Cuban Missile Crisis occurs, during which Iguanas are sent to internment camps for association with South American countries. They are all released 3 days later, and so no legal action is taken. 1984 - James Camerons movie The Terminator hits theaters. It is the first movie to have an Iguana in a starring role. Interviews reveal that Pugsley, the Iguanas role, was supposed to be expanded, including a love triangle subplot an Iguana. Cele-

Is there no end to your depravity?

the pittiful news

december 9th, 2011

with Michael Biehn and Linda Hamilton, but James Cameron cut them after executive meddling. 1988 - Bill Amend publishes newspaper comic FoxTrot, in which the starring suburban family has a pet Iguana named Quincy. Amend receives several complaining letters from the Midwest, asking that the white boy and Iguana not be seen in the same panels together. 1993 - Alabama law enforcement allows Iguanas to serve on the police force, provided that they not tell any of their fellow officers that they are Iguanas. All members are prohibited from asking others if they are Iguanas. 2008 - Columbian Iguana radical Li Nae Nus throws himself in a river in an attempt to martyr himself for a political movement. The effort fails, though, after pro-human activists claim that Iguanas can swim, and thus Nus was in no danger. 2011 - Popular TV show Glee pens an episode addressing the Seems Legit. issue of Iguana bullying; however, they decide not to film it since the concept is not terribly marketable. Iguanas still have a ways to go. However, they have made their way into classrooms across the States (albeit as class pets). Their rights have also permeated pop culture for years now. Rumors state that playwright Tony Kushner is currently penning a work about their struggle. Only time and awareness will see the wrongs of the past righted. Go to Hell, racist pig.

Finals Word Search

Kelsey Henke N A O A R Q A A U L R B N B O L W N D G F D X O A N I O B Q H W O N H D Z G C O I B I N N M I O D E O R K I C R I T T B P K L R K X R T M A T E A I O Z Z A L J A A D F T M A R L P K L J S M V E R F W S Y E J A L J Y B I A H R T E F X P P R L B L R O M N J B A D F S C P K Q P Q B A Y C C K F C E K P S E L F L O A T H I N G D E Z D F V K Z Z V F W N A R E O T E N I E F F A C Y G H L M V C H E R M I T M A P O S F V Y R N H W D O G Q O J Z L B V J A

Take a break from studying and try to find the words, if you can!

HILLMAN HERMIT CAFFEINE ADDERALL SLEEP DEPRIVATION SELF LOATHING TWEAKING BREAKDOWN DESPERATION

Artists Rendering of assumed future.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good. A S

LEX EMIDEI Senior Contributor

the pittiful news

december 9th, 2011

Both Sides
WILLS BUTLER senior writer Today I had interviews with two fine, upstanding community members. Only one is legally considered a man. What follows is my exclusive take on this issue with two very different individuals. I give you: Both Sides! Pastafarian Minister Kal Clark These Iguana Rights activists are simply the latest generation of liberal youth gone mad. It clearly states in the Pastafarian Bible: and lo, Iguanas were henceforth secondary to man, never to be touched by His noodly appendage (Book of Alfredo, 4:20). I have said it before and Ill say it again: being an Iguana is a choice. We, in fact, have many reformed Iguanas under our care and guidance. The pasta sauce of forgiveness has been guaranteed to shower upon any who accepts His love and teachings. I urge all those who would bask in the glow of the Flying Spaghetti Monster to oppose any and all Pro-Iguana legislation! Pete, The Iguana (As translated by his keeper, Mary) I am confused at this line of questioning. Iguanas are beasts, without the mental capacity to even understand the basic principles behind free will, never mind participate in the democratic process to such a degree that new legislature would be passed. It seems to me that college students are, once again, looking for a cause to protest for. This is almost as pointless as Occupy Oakland, but at least you have set goals. And there you have it. Which side is right? You decide! Thats why I bring you: Both Sides!

W O R D S TO I M P R E S S T H E L A D I E S Ive just moved you to the top of my to do list

ALEX SEMIDEI Senior Contributor WILLS BUTLER Senior Writer

Iguana hold your hand

Good Job for reading the paper! See you all next year!
WILLS BULTER:

PHOTOGRAPHER EXTRAORDINAIRE AND CAPTAIN CAPTION

(Continued from page 1; FREE)

to vote, and free to speak out and share your beliefs! Let not a score of minutes pass us by before we can walk hand in hand with all the peoples of this fine earth. Be you a Pastafarian, or merely an idle bystander, heed these words now. Iguana oppression is over! When we let Iguana freedom ring, when we let it ring from every tenement and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of the Flying Spaghetti Monster's children, black men and Iguanas, Jews and Gentiles, Iguanas and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old spiritual, "Free at last, free at last! Thank His Noodly Appendage, we are free at last!

JOIN THE CLUB meetings monday 8:31pm willam pitt union room 510
CONTRIBUTING STAFF
Kelsey Henke Wills Butler Editor-In-Chief Senior Writer Senior Editor Staff Caption Writer John Lee Lost Boy Content Editor Samantha Proctor SeniorWriter Jake Swanson Alex Semedei Senior Writer Senior Contributor