1 Communications Exam II

5 Stages of Relationships
13 factors influencing contact -Physical appearance: men and women are more attractive after 3 beers, and if too attractive, too unapproachable. -Approachability -Warmth, friendly and dynamism -Off limits: mysterious, bad boy, dangerous, vampire. The same unique qualities that attract you will be the reason for termination. -Sexually inviting: (male thing) -If others like them: (popular/coveted), ideal man increases when you found out they are in a romantic relationship. Scarcity principle. -Money and earning potential: more important for women in south, strong predictor of long-term relationship. -Humor: more for women -Mere exposure theory: the more we see them, the more we like them -Similarity theory: we are attracted to people who are like us, long-term success= similar attitudes/beliefs/worldview. Appearance- similar to us. -Complementary theory: (opposite) dissimilar in dominance, low self-esteem and high self-esteem. Attracted to attributes we wish we had. -Fate/Destiny: Hollywood Baxters Testing Research: Key A) both know about the game. Key B) there is always ambiguity in the act to help avoid humiliation and rejection. We DONT: straight up ask Do you like me?, no game or escape. We DO: 1) flirt with others. 2) Play hard to get/act like a jerk. 3) Ask a mutual friend. 4) Touch 5) joke about the future 6) try to set them up 7) separate 2 Forms of Bonding: A) Private: negotiating terms, the exclusivity clause. B) Public: telling the world (later: engagements & weddings), exchanging public signs of ownership, the Facebook official announcement. 3 Forms of Anxiety: A) Security: stability (female) will he leave? B) Fulfillment: post buyers remorse, Did I make the wrong choice? C) Excitement: end of fun (male), commitment=boredom. Recent Changes in Courting: 1. Cultural views on premarital sex: today it is expected that you will have played the field with more people before marriage because people are waiting longer to get married and cultural views have changed. 2. Dating became less formal: less meaningful, less formal protocol/procedures to dating (go from group dating, to pairing off, to going steady. 3. Gender Egalitarianism: today it is more acceptable for women to initiate and finance dates. 4. Waiting longer before marriage: average age is higher. 5. On-Line Love: married couples who met online have a shorter

2 courtship, many married couples met online. 6. Inter-racial dating: more and more people think inter-racial dating is acceptable. Similarities of Courting: 1. Males Sexual Freedom: men still have greater social freedom to be promiscuous. Hes a stud, shes a slut. 2. Male Superiority: it is still expected men are superior in the relationship, women expect men to be superior in income, ability, success, etc. Long Distance Relationships: After 2 years, Long distance relationships are more stable then face-to-face relationships, idealized distortion about relationship (visits are wonderful and romantic), less frequent communication (less fighting, more thoughtful about what you say). When you re-unite face to face: conflict and jealousy increases, lose romance, not a positive view on relationship, break up after about 3 months. When they marry, the divorce rate is higher and relationship has unrealistic expectations. BE REALISTIC ABOUT INITIAL STRUGGLE. How Do We Decide to Stay or Go? 1. Social Exchange Theory: we use an emotional scale, when the costs outweigh the rewards we break up. Weakness in theory: it is too rational and humans are not that logical. 2. Comparison Alternative Theory: We weigh the best of all real and potential options and pick the best. This explains why people stay in bad relationships; they dont think they can do better. Or they think they can do better. 3. Expectation Fulfillment: we have expectations and when they are met we stay in the relationship, blind dates are more successful then expecting too much out of a guy you know. In long-term relationships people with low self-esteem will stay because they dont expect much. High self-esteem will leave because they feel good about themselves. 4. Equity Theory: All we want is fairness (we want as much as we put into it), Think about your relationship (if you put a lot of work into the relationship, you want an equally satisfying payoff), if we think we are being cheated we are unhappy. Who Stays Together: 1. The couple is wealthy 2. Atheist or agnostic 3. College educated 4. Over 25 years old 5. Has not lived together 6. Parents are not divorced 7. Asian-American 8. The wife works outside the home 9. The couple is childless. Gender Differences in Divorce: most are initiated by females. Married men are psychologically healthier but not so much for women: 1) without wives men have no

3 support system and no one to talk to and are more likely to commit suicide after divorce. 2) Women do most of the work in the relationship, when they both work outside the house, the women is still responsible for the house work. Ducks Four Stages: 1. Intra-Psychic Phase: focus on partners behavior (everything is magnified), assess alternative relationship options (comparison theory, expectation and equity theory) 2. Dyadic Phase: undo private bonding (confront partner with the talk, short-term relationships prefer avoidance and distance), engage in healthy relationship talk (very intense) 3. Social Phase: Undo public bonding (tell everyone that things didnt work out, facebook official), harder then dyadic phase. Create face saving accounts (make yourself look good) 4. Grave-dressing Phase: engage in getting over activities (dating again, men date sooner then women), Healing and letting go of guilt, failure, and blame (similar to death grieving)

Conflict
Ten Negative/Unproductive Strategies Most Often Used: 1. Avoidance: not addressing issue, leaving physically, leaving emotionally. 2. Minimization: framing it as no big deal, using humor to deflect the issue (lighten up) 3. Blame: Most fights are reactions to reactions to reactions that have long and extended histories. 4. Emotional Silencers: Shut up! Or Stop making me cry! 5. Stockpiling: remembering every transgression from the past many of which are irrelevant. Key: stick to the matter under discussion 6. Belt-Lining: hit them where it hurts, and we know just where it hurts 7. Personal Rejection: used by the partner with the upper hand, Ill leave if you dont stop, overt threats or covert implications. 8. Self-Victimizing: Key: instead of honestly dealing with a conflict they turn themselves into the victim. Key: the blame and guilt rests solely on the villains shoulders. 9. Pouting: walking around hurt, quiet and sad. Trying to invoke attention and pity and sympathy. 10. Force/Violence: or the threat of it. Seven Rules of Productive Resolution 1. Avoid the 10 negative strategies 2. Start (and remain) calm-avoid anger!: (relax before beginning, nothing good comes out of anger), de-escalation phases after beginning (Im sorry let me start over), remember discussions end how they begin. 3. Describe YOUR feelings, dont accuse and criticize: never start a sentence with you, instead start with I feel, this allows conversation to develop, not explode into defensiveness.

4 4. Be Gentle: The secret to solving problems is gentleness. Be polite, say please, and acknowledge something good. 5. Accept Influence: be changed by each other, instead of trying to change each other, accept a small part of each other and adapt to that. 6. Find the real cause of the fight: The real cause hides below the surface. 7. Make & Accept Repair Attempts: During- it can be a laugh, smile, kiss, hug, or a kind word. This prevents from escalading. After- never go to bed mad, never sleep in separate rooms. Women make most repair attempts.

Gender
Tannens 5 Gender Differences: 1. Status vs. Support: Males are external and status driven. They talk about the external world Key: men want to disconnect with others by greatness, to become the alpha male. Women are internal and support oriented. Females talk is internal and about personal issues for nurturing and support. Women want to connect by their sameness. Men and women talk the same. 2. Independence vs. Intimacy: males are taught to value independence. Individuality is prized and dont ask for help. It shows weakness and dependency. Females are taught to value intimacy. Value relationships. Women rely on social and emotional support by friends and family. 3. Advice vs. Understanding: Males are taught to fix things. They feel important if they can solve things, focus on task and not on emotional involvement. Females when faced with problems, want understanding. They want people to listen, be emotionally supportive. 4. Orders vs. Proposals: Males are direct through orders, but expect a challenge. Illustrates focus on the individual and status. Females communicate through polite proposals, but expect compliance. Illustrates focus on others and connection. Never sound to busy or bossy. 5. Conflict vs. Compromise: Males are taught conflict is acceptable. To get pushed around makes you a wimp. Competition and conflict is a part of male life. Females are taught that conflict is negative. Collective focused, less confrontational, conflict disrupts relationships. 3 Everyday Communication Events: A) Telling a story- males tell stories about heroes, one-ups-men ship, event descriptions. Females tell of buffoon, share degrading and relational descriptions. B) Listening- Males interrupt for combat, defensive listening style. Females want more feedback and interrupt for support and empathetic. C) Asking Questions- Males dont show weakness or when they do it is to show challenge. Females do this to establish connections, to invite sharing and to learn.

5 Lakoffs Gender Differences: toys (boys have blue blankets, guns, chem. Sets, building blocks, girls have pink blankets and Barbies and houses), education (history great white men and first ladies, literature males are writers, females are childrens writers, teachers, males are college and high school, females are elementary), church (male God and leaders, female helpers), family (dad is boss, mom is servant), occupations (females are secretaries, nurses, stay at home moms, males are doctors, lawyers, surgeons), government (women have never been pres or VP and barely in congress), Childrens media (men save women in distress, women need a mans kiss to stay alive). Why We Speak Differently & What Differences are: Female communication is passive, deferential, and unsure because of all the years of being told we are not equal. Tag questions, disclaimers, length of requests, vocal-question inflections, excessive nodding, hedges, apologize more, inappropriate & excessive laughing, indirect requests. Politeness Principle: females are expected to be sweet, soft, deferential, invisible, quiet, modest, unsure, and child-like. Female Speaking in the Business World: most desired features in modern leaders are social intelligence, teamwork, nurturing and avoiding conflict.

Love
4 Basic Premises Behind Lees Love Theory 1. We all have all these 6 types of love in our relationships 2. What separates us is the degree of each (each person is different) 3. Degrees can change in time 4. Our love pie chart may differ in every relationship (in first you might be insecure and passionate, in second you might be relaxed and calm) We differ because our lovers strongly impact who we are in relationships. Six Types of Love 1. Eros Love: Highly passionate, sexual, and intense. Often believe in magical and intense, love as fate, love at first sight, tough to maintain because of the expectations. 2. Ludus Love: The players love. Keep their passion in check, avoid trouble and intensity, feel uncomfortable with commitment, keep secrets, when relationship is too intense they leave. 3. Storge Love: the friend part of the relationship. Peaceful and slow (grow into love, not passionate and intense), Friendship is key (romantic success), This love endures long periods of inactivity of excitement. 4. Pragma Love: Practical, looking for types (parents, money, race, family, etc), love is logical and more stable (not magical but rational) 5. Mania Love: jealous/crazy side of us, extreme highs and lows (jealousy, obsessive, eros on steroids) 6. Agape Love: this love is compassionate, selfless, egoless, mature and enlightened. No concern for personal reward or gain.

Friendship
4 Differences Between Same Sex Friends:

6 1. Talk between women focus on internal topics; Talk between men revolve around external topics. MEN: enjoy talking about external topics (sports, events), Knowledge about external world is often a sign of power and masculinity, men claim not to feel empty. WOMEN: most talk about their feelings, loved ones, friends, dramas in their lives. Women spend more time upset and depressed about friendships, they get so wrapped up in thinking about emotions. Men get over it and move on quicker. 2. Communication is central to women; Activities are central to men. WOMEN: favorite activity is talking or talking while shopping. Friendship is based on how well you know each other. MEN: most men describe activities other than talking as most meaningful times. Group friendships, women are 2 person friendships. 3. Men assume a friendships value and seldom discuss the relationship; women are likely to express affection and discuss the dynamics of their relationship. WOMEN: tell each other how much they mean to them. Discuss the nature, complexity, strengths/weakness of their friendship. MEN: rarely tell how much each other mean to them, engage in covert intimacy, they avoid introspection and analysis after disagreements (Hug it out), express affection to opposite sex friends and when drinking 4. Womens friendships are broader in scope to include all aspects of their lives; Mens friendships are confined to areas of interest and are less encompassing and more guarded. WOMEN: share many more aspects of their lives, they dont restrict areas. Fewer secrets between each other. MEN: restrict scope and areas of interaction. Dont mix friends. Keep secrets and maintain areas of privacy from each other. Three Interesting Facts About Opposite-sex Friendships: Males like females because they share relationships and personal talk and they share info, feelings, secrets, they arent as shallow anymore. Females like males because they are fun and have activities. The companionship that is less emotionally intense. Women are not so boring. Men value opposite-sex relationships more, they can share more that they cant share with their guy friends, they get more out of the relationship.

Symbolic Interaction (The creation of the Self)

Understanding Symbolic Interactionism in 10 Points: 1. The creation and understanding of ourselves comes from others. It is formed overtime through communicating with the world. Relationships and social influences such as media, culture, religion, etc. 2. When we communicate with others, we are always wondering what they think of us. People either tell us or we have to guess what people think of us. Key: We see ourselves the way we think others see us. The conclusions we draw are strongly influenced by our sense of self worth. High esteem leads to positive thinking, low leads to negative thinking and self-image.

7 3. We may be wrong. Our assessment of what people think of us can be entirely wrong. Key: we trust that our perception of reality is always accurate. It is not! 4. We have multiple selves, all competing & conversing with each other. As we age, we turn into someone new, but it always conflicts with who we used to be. As we get older, we create a holistic composite. 5. Poignant moments that change our identity come in many forms (big and small). Could be winning major awards and prizes, a simple positive comment or not being chosen from dodge ball first. What is significant to one person may be irrelevant to another. 6. The self is always in flux. Every interaction changes us. Time and our identity does not stand still-it is always evolving, but lasting changes take time. 7. The way we treat people matters. Our interactions with people change them. None of us know which interactions will matter. Key: we have a moral obligation to be careful with people. 8. Self-Fulfilling/Defeating prophecy. How we see ourselves determines our decisions and actions. Self-perceived loser- do not decide to go to college, strive for greatness, demand respect. Key: Thus how we define ourselves matters in our lives. 9. Identity crisis. When our identity clashes with lived reality. Hurt athlete, aging adult, childless parent, out-of-work dad, etc. we are forced to either become depressed, live a lie (glory days), or re-define ourselves. 10. Individuals have only so much controlsociety also gets its chance. Media and peers have major influence on who we will become. Fashion, MTV, peer groups. As much as we teach our children, society teaches louder and more often.

Group
Risky-Shift Phenomenon: old belief is that groups are conservative and people dont act out in groups. New belief: Groups take more risks. They free us to act more risky. Lesson: Be careful, it happens subconsciously because diffusion of responsibility hypothesis. Diffusion of Responsibility and the Bystander Effect: People are less likely to help if they can place (diffuse) the responsibility on someone else. Too many bystanders. Let someone else help. Asking single person to help, they will. Behavioral Contagion Theory: Need: 1. Secret wish to act out, 2. Feel internal constraints, 3. Observing one or more acting out. People who would never normally steal, loot, fight, rape-DO! Rosenthal and Jacobsons Self-Fulfilling Prophecies: They did a test on 1st nd and 2 graders. They told them they could find out whom the next geniuses were going to be if they all took this test. Once they took it, the researchers threw away the tests and came back and told them who the winners were and from these results, the two geniuses were now treated with the utmost respect and treated like geniuses so they too started to think they were geniuses. Teachers and peers expected greatness from the rapid achievers and so they fulfilled the expectations.

8 Group Polarization: Individuals in isolation vary greatly in their value and beliefs. Put into conversational peer groups, however, these values & beliefs 1. Converge with each other and 2. Move to the extremes. These new-group attitudes are resilient for two weeks then they go back to normal. This shift can go both ways. Zimbardos Prison Study: 24 Stanford U students were asked to take part in this study where half would be guards and half would be prisoners. They werent told how to act or what to do but they all lived up to the expectations of the roles they were given. The guards were mean and powerful and humiliated the prisoners, took their beds, forced nudity. The prisoners became sick and depressed and they gave into the fake guards. Had to be stopped because prisoners were going crazy and a visitor reported it was horrifying and shocking. Lesson: Grouping temporarily un-did a lifetime of moral teaching and we all have potential to become monsters if we are put in the right situation. The Contact Hypothesis: Expose yourself to the groups of people who you mistrust/dislike. The idea is that if we encounter enough intelligent, hard working, and mild mannered out-group members surely we will realize that it is illogical to view this group as intelligent and lazy. We still hang on to our stereotype by fencing off the individual as different or atypical. Thus, one is able to maintain ones global stereotype of the group even though one knows that some group members do not fit. Sherifs Summer-Camp Experiment: 24 well-adjusted boys all the same time were recruited for a summer-camp experiment. At first they all lived together and made their own best friends. Then, they were divided into two groups and given activities to help bond them. They started to compete in activities and it got really intense and they all started to hate each other. Once he created two hostile groups he then wanted to bring them back together and be friends but they already hated each other so much they could not go back. They had to do activities where they worked together and then they would go right back to hating each other. Then they were told about the study and what it did, and they all went back to being friends. This study gives little reason to be optimistic about the future for embattle groups. Jane Elliotts Blue vs. Brown Eyed Study: 3rd grade teacher divided heterogeneous Iowa 3rd graders into two groups based on eye color. She persuaded the children that blue was superior to brown and used pseudo-scientific and historic explanations to explain blue superiority. The blue-eyed children were then given special treatment, second helpings, separate water fountains, etc. The children went along with it immediately. Blues were cocky and mean and browns were timid and depressed. The next day, she reversed the study and brown-eyed people were superior and blue eyed were inferior. And browns were kinder with their superiority because they knew what it was like. Once the study was over she told the kids to write letters to Mrs. King and tell her what they thought. She does this experiment with adults frequently and the people shun her in her small town and the kids who went through it love her and thank her.