Therapists Overview

LEARNING TO ASK INSTEAD OF DEMAND

GOALS OF THE EXERCISE

1. 2. 3. 4. Understand the effects on others of different forms of expression. Decrease the frequency of angry or overbearing thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Practice asking for things instead of demanding them in one relationship and evaluate the results. Create a plan to adopt a respectful style of communication.

ADDITIONAL PROBLEMS FOR WHICH THIS EXERCISE MAY BE USEFUL

Family Conflicts Narcissistic Traits Partner Relational Conflicts

SUGGESTIONS FOR PROCESSING THIS EXERCISE WITH CLIENT

The Learning to Ask Instead of Demand activity is designed for clients whose communication and relationship styles frequently present as disrespectful or inconsiderate. Its approach is to examine reasons people may resist asking for what they want rather than demanding it, then shift to a pragmatic view with the aim of finding the communication style that will work best. It then asks the client to select a relationship on which to conduct a one-week experiment with a more respectful style and report on the outcome. Follow-up for this exercise could include ongoing discussion with the therapist or treatment group on the impacts of communication styles in other relationships.

EXERCISE XXVI.B

LEARNING TO ASK INSTEAD OF DEMAND

Why should you work at learning to ask people for what you want instead of demanding it? One reason is that it works better. Think about your own reactions. How do you feel when someone asks you for something, compared to when they demand it? Most of us prefer to be asked. 1. One reason many people try to tell others what to do, rather than requesting, is that they dont feel right asking, especially if they feel others owe them respect. They may feel they would look weak or unsure of themselves if they asked others for things rather than telling them what to do. This may be due to family or cultural traditions or other reasons. When you picture yourself asking someone to do something rather than telling them, what feelings does that bring up for you?

2.

Actually, some of the most powerful people in history have also been very polite to those around them. Great leaders like Abraham Lincoln have been known for being respectful to everyone they talked with. Many people believe that truly strong people are more likely to be gentle, because they dont need to prove their strength by pushing people around. Think of a strong person who is polite and considerate to others. What is your general impression of that person?

3.

No matter how we feel about being respectful, to get cooperation in a relationship we need to put ourselves in the other persons place. Think about situations where others order you aroundparents or other family members, bosses, or teachers. Now imagine how youd feel if they asked you politely rather than telling you what to do. Whats the difference, based on how that person approached you?

4.

There is always more than one message in everything we sayone

message in our words, and also at least one message in the way we say it. When we ask others for things (e.g., simply saying please and thank you, saying Would you . . .), were also saying, I respect your feelings and your dignity, you matter, and I care how you
EXERCISE XXVI.B

feel. When we leave these things out and simply order people around, the unspoken message is, Your feelings and dignity arent important. I dont have to be polite to you, and I dont care how you feel. You may actually care very much about that other persons feelings, but that is the message you may be sending without meaning to. It might be useful to test this. If you have a relationship in which youre used to simply telling the other person what to do, why not try switching the way you do things for a week, asking this person for what you want instead of demanding it? You might tell them youre doing this experiment. You can explain that youre practicing a new way of communication to show that theyre important to you, and that youre going to try asking for things instead of demanding them. You may slip into the old way during the week. Habits are hard to break. You can ask them to remind you, and they can do that by asking you to rephrase what youve said. How does it feel to imagine doing this?

5.

After trying this experiment for one week, please describe the results here.

6.

If you feel this experiment was worthwhile, please use this space to describe a plan to practice this more respectful approach to dealing with people in all your relationships. What would some of the challenges be? Some of the rewards?

Be sure to bring this handout back to your next therapy session, and be prepared to talk about your thoughts and feelings about the exercise.