the dashing right-wing paper your mother warned you about Es tab l i s hed b y t he fir s t A mer ica n : J e s u s

January 6th, 2011 Volume 5, Issue 1 pittifulnews.com

GOP For Me!

WILLS BUTLER senior writer After a fantastic Holiday Season and what felt like a never-ending break, the Pittiful News is back again to bring you all your facts, stories, memes, and well, news for the new year! Indeed, we have been quite busy in our apartment-style shag carpeted offices! After taking a select survey of our reader demographic, we found that of the literate portion, over 50 percent of them identify with the Republican Party. Interestingly, of the illiterate portion of our demographic, over one hundred percent identified with The red guys, with the elephant, which our top anaysists revealed was most likely also the GOP. In the spirit of appeasing you, our fine and sexy readers, please enjoy our 2012 Iowa Caucus Special!
IN THIS ISSUE page 2 joke of the week page 3 weekly forecast page 4 breaking news update words to impress the ladies

Doesnt Matter, Had Sex WILLS BUTLER -STAFF CAPTIONEER

Newt Gingrich If you want to vote an old white WILLS BUTLER - senior writer man into the white house, As the Senior Republican in the country, in Minneso- this is your guy. Political Pundit here at the ta of course, she originally A bright and shining Pittiful News, I have been worked for the IRS after star within the party half a intently watching the GOP God told her to. And century ago, he lost favor candidate race. Because twelve years ago apparently in congress due to his there is approximately 200 her hotline to Jehovah went abrasive style of politirecognized potential nomi- off again, prompting her to cal dealings. In fact, he nees, I have sat down and run for Congress. lost so much favor that he done the research for you, Now she is the darling left politics in disgrace for my lazy readers! Here are of the TEA party and the 13 years, which has left the top candidates running patron saint of the nuclear many with a bad taste in for the most powerful posifamily. She has only ever their mouths, similar to tion in the world: fostered 23 children, which Monica Lewinsky. The Michele Bachmann Ad- leads one to believe shes other major problem he has as a GOP candidate is mittedly a step down from trying too hard. that he is very intelligent, the hotness level of Sarah If she were president, an antithesis to the TEA Palin, Bachmann took it shed lower taxes, shrink partys fat-dumb-andupon herself to go above government, and re-read happy ideal candidate. and beyond the woman the Constitution. Step 1 whose shadow she was Oddly enough he one presumably would be born under. learning to read, which of many candidates who Currently a representa- admittedly would give her are campaigning hard to ( Continued on page 2; USA) tive of the whitest district a leg up on Palin.

Mitt the Candidates

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january 6th, 2011

HOT!

Dr. Ron Paul

Newt Gingrich
NOT!

HOT!

Sarah Palin

Michele Bachmann
NOT!

Tom Miller

Who Are You? (Who-who, who-who?) I really wanna know!

I was going to make a joke about the Iowa caucus, but I thought it was too corny
WILLS BUTLER Senior Jokester
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the Evangelical vote, yet have many past indiscretions. His include 2 previous marriages as well as at least one count of adultery, which would in a logical world remove him from their consideration. But hell, who are they going to choose instead? Ron PaDr. Ronald Ernest Paul The sheer fact that he is a major contender in this race speaks volumes.

has since denounced his past ways, disregarding any and all Liberalism for good, allAmerican Red -blooded Conservatism. The issue of course is that many have not forgotten his past indiscretions, and his policy on topics which are usual very one sided, like the Civil Rights Act of 1964, are frightening at best. He is kind of old, but not pudgy enough to fill the oldwhite-man-in-the-white-house mold.

Never Google Huntsman

good ol Barack himself. He is quite frankly, white bread. When he was Governor of Utah, he saw approval ratings of over 70%, and even more remarkably, he captured 77.7% of the vote on his re-election, which many say might be because hes a Mormon governing the most Mormon place in the world. He has bi-partisan appeal and more importantly he isnt clinically insane and has no skeletons in his closet. The
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An untouchable for years, he has voted in ways that can be considered eccentric at best. The King of Libertarians, he has in the past called for legalization of Marijuana, Prostitution, Gay Marriage, and free hugs. Indeed, Ron Paul supporters are secondary only to jihadists in their fervent Newt has that shit covered. love of their angry God, and in most cases Jon Huntsman A high-school dropout more likely to explode and kill you. who only later got his G.E.D., he was the The internet has been a breeding Ambassador to China under the Obama ground for Ron Paul love, which has transadministration and a personal friend of lated into moderate success for him and he

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january 6th, 2011

W E E KLY F OR C AST

friday

saturday

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monday

tuesday

reason he wont win is because his everyman status is compromised by his being a goddamn billionaire status. He doesnt fight, but he does ride a motorcycle, and Iowa will really decide if he stays or goes. Fred Karger A non-Republican, he makes this list because he will live in the record books forever. The first openly gay man to run for President (John Adams still in the closet then?) he also happens to be the first Jewish man to ever run for presidency. One wonders why he would make this choice, damning himself to an eternity of hellfire, when he could take the perfectly respectable option of being a closet homosexual and therefore have the full backing of the Republican Party. He is basically a single issue candidate, wanting to bring the issue of Gay Marriage to a national stage. Fox News loves him. Andy Martin - Another sleeper candidate.

few restrictions regarding future legal actions. To be fair, he has run for president the most; 16 times total, with only three of those as a Democrat! NOBAMA! Jimmy McMillan Oh shit yes, it is indeed the The Rent Is Too Damn High! guy. While his beard has a 100% approval rate among focus groups, his own candidacy is confusing at best. His political history, on the other hand, is freaking awesome at best. The following is just straight truth: The first time he ran for anything was in 1993, when he ran for Mayor of New York. During that campaign, he was tied to a tree (willingly) and doused with gasoline. After warming up his craziness muscles, he decided the best way to spread the word was to climb the Brooklyn Bridge and refuse to come down until televisions broadcast his political message. After this oddly enough failed to generate him enough signatures to be on the ballot, he came back the next year running for governor. He traveled on foot from Brooklyn to Buffalo on foot, sleeping in homeless shelters. Only an injury in Rochester stopped him from walking home too.

own words: [Obama is] a good looking young guy, and Im a handsome old dude. So theres gonna be some competition there. Damn right there is. Now Herman Cain is gone, he is the go to choice for white apologists. Rick Perry If you want to vote for a cowboy, hes your man. Socially he doesnt take your shit, he has released videos damning homosexuals and holds predictable positions on immigration (get your own country), firearms (get your own gunless country), same-sex marriage (get your own queer country), and capital punishment (get your own forgiveness based country). Hes the longest serving Texas Governor in history, which you dont become by being moderate. His biggest problem is that in regards to policy, his-

tory, and experience, he is President Bush. His biggest strength, however, is that he is a straight-shooting (with a gun, not his mouth) conservative who has a solid backing from evangelicals and real red-blooded Americans. Again, the Iowa polls will determine his future in this contest. Mitt Goddamn Romney The 2012 Republican nomin-I mean candidate *ehem*, he has been leading the polls with a commanding 23-25% for months now. He is very moderate; an ex-Liberal whose Romney-care was the basis for the Obamacare we all know and loathe. He is a businessman first and foremost, and he truly is playing the field right now. He is frankly the only candidate who really stands a serious chance at
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His claim to fame is that he was the guy who first told us the truth about Obama being a secret Muslim and that he dont got no Merican birth certificate. Without him, there would be no birthers, and that is His popularity exploded in 2010 a world that I shudder to think of. with his gubernatorial campaign spawnNOBAMA 2012! ing viral videos, all centered around the Unfortunately, because he has filed theme of The Rent, and how he consomewhere between hundreds and thousidered it Too Damn High. He may sands of litigations as well as about 250 technically be a Democrat who civil actions over the years, the cruel and switched parties just to run, but in his oppressive government has placed quite a

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winning, but a majority of the Republican Party seems to be looking for an alternative to him. By trying to appeal to everyone, he has alienated many, all of whom are looking for any alternative to the Muslim communist ex-pat we have now. His pet-policy is lower taxes on hair oil. Rick Santorum Research has shown me that theres more to this candidate than meets the eye. Most importantly, do yourself a favor: Type the word Santorum into Google. Even as a hardcore right-winger who is terribly offended by this terrible practice, it is actually pretty funny. Just do it. In other news, he is the only frontrunning Catholic, which puts him in a good position, and recently his popularity has almost inexplicably sky-rocketed, leading many to believe that he will win in Iowa. He may have lost in Pennsylvania all those years ago, but he might just get the nomination of the country instead. There you have it folks, comprehensive as it gets, with all the major players represented. How will it play out? Heres my guess: Iowa is a wash. Santorum, Paul, and Romney are getting the top three spots (probably not in that order) and the fight will be on for New Hampshire. Historically, New Hampshire has been more telling than Iowa, but it really is anybodys game; South Carolina will be the most interesting race of all. Ron Paul has his army of fanatically loyal followers and has already issued the threat that he will not endorse anyone (Mitt Romney) else on the Republican ticket, hinting at a potential independent run which of course would be damning for the Right. At the end of the day, unless a very serious change in the political atmosphere occurs, Obama is going to walk away with the election. Out of the churches and into the streets, people! Personally, I cant think of a single reason not to support Jimmy McMillan. He is good looking, has strong beliefs, and above all: a god-like beard. And

W O R D S TO I M P R E S S T H E L A D I E S Do you want the job or not? HERMAIN CAIN

Thats the good old American Spirit!

WILLS BULTER

- CAPTAIN CAPTION

BREAKING NEWS UPDATE: Good News folks, the results are in from Iowa, and I was totally right! Bachmann dropped out after getting only 5% of the vote, and all top four candidates (Romney, Santorum, Paul, and Gingrich) are off to New Hampshire to duke it out again. Stay tuned for further updates, not that you can get your news anywhere else now that the school stopped giving out free newspapers! And if youre upset by what you read, most likely due to you being a Left-wing pink-o socialist Commie, send a letter to the editor at <pittifulnews@gmail.com> Perhaps Ill deign a response. Boogity Boogity Boogity, Amen.

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CONTRIBUTING STAFF
Kelsey Henke Wills Butler Editor-In-Chief Senior Writer Senior Editor Staff Caption Writer John Lee Content Editor

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