the newspaper that runs on rainbows, dreams and purple drank Es tab l i s hed wi t h go o d i n te nt io n s

January 13th, 2011 Volume 5, Issue 2 pittifulnews.com

Oakland Man Sees Big Rock, Walks Around It

editor-in-pajamasis-coming-down-the-stairs This past Tuesday two year Oakland resident William Lindehorn was walking down Fifth Avenue when he saw a dark grey, hard-looking object about the size of a tomato. Realizing it was in his path, he veered left and narrow avoided stepping on the rock.
KELSEY HENKE

cats in glasses. oh man, that cat has glasses.

Club Hillman Kicks Off 2012 with a Bang

SOPHIA TABORSKI

Marissa Tracy tells The Pittiful News. I got one the second I came in; I didnt even unpack! Tracy undoubtedly made the right decision, as later events this weekend and the corresponding table have shown. Many upper campus residents noted a lack of activity and strategically dressed females along frat row, while lower campus residents could scarcely believe the obscenely large influx of partiers heading past their neck of the woods towards Hillman. Perhaps the draw lied, as many draws do, in the free commodities. In addition to the free coffee and tea of Finals Week, Club Hillman offered Bloody Marys, butterbeer, and Kool-Aid. Students endured two-hour long lines for the continued on page 4

Negotiations with Ovens on Strike Leave Both Parties Heated

MINDY FILANDILOKUS

staff writer

staff writer

While the most prominent New Years celebrations generally include incorrect countdowns, fleeting resolutions, or a series of cameos of mega-watt stars running through the few archetypal chick flick plots, Pitt students have extended their New Years festivities to party in high octane style. The wide assortment of apartments and frats proved unpopular in the shadow of the premier venue this year: Club Hillman. Since Hillman was ridiculously packed finals week, I made sure to reserve a table early, freshman

Following last weeks Delta Chi Phi semi-annual bake sale 12 ovens in the Pittsburgh area made an organized refusal to function. When the ovens preliminary set of demands to oven users was denied, ovens felt real mad and oven users began to wonder if you can make shortbread cookies in the microwave or over an open flame. IN THIS ISSUE page 2 page 3 page 4 Joke of the Week The Good the Bad, & the Tebow Weekly Forecast Words to Impress the Ladies

the pittiful news

january 13th, 2011

Never lie to an xray technician, they can see right through you.
ALEX SEMIDEI Senior Contributor

The Good the Bad, & the Tebow

WILLS BUTLER senior writer Tebows name tumbled into our laps last Sunday after his frankly absurd victory over our beloved Steelers. Throwing a valiant 21 passes, of which 10 were actually caught, he demolished the Steelers in the first half, changing up his usual 4th quarter miracles. You see, Tebow is in fact the son of God. I understand many people dont or arent willing to accept that, but hear me out. Before I became the Senior Sports correspondent for the Pittiful News, I was a terrible Godless the face of a god? perhaps. Atheist. What I learned changed me cided to spread the good word the that he was only using the medium of forever, so maybe it will you too. only way he knew how: American Football to spread his religious mesTebow, like Jesus, was born in football. And similar to his old beard- sage. He wore eye black with bible another country, in this case the Phil- ed counterpart, America became his verses penned over it. Google tracked ippines as opposed to Israel. But inlargest fanbase and adopted country. millions of hits pairing his name with stead of being a virgin birth, Tebow entries like John 3:16 and He went on to do his great works switched things up a little by having Proverbs 3:5-6. out of high school, receiving a full doctors say that he was going to be ride to the University of Florida; this Picked up in the first round of the stillborn yet coming out fine. of course is the University that most draft by the Broncos, young Tim wasAlready completing the coveted theologians agree Christ himself nt allowed to come into his own until resurrection requirement, Tebow de- would have gone to. Receiving the this year, after 5 games had already Heisman trophy as a sophomore put come and gone. Stepping onto the him in the History books forever, field, thousands of Broncos fans shed Send us writings: making the parallel clear assuming tears of joys upon seeing their savior pittifulnews@gmail.com that if youre like me, you read return to them. Find us on the web at: Sports Statistics like a Bible. He started winning games. Orten, www.pittifulnews.com Around this time it became clear continued on page 3

the pittiful news

january 13th, 2011

W E E KLY F OR C AST

friday

saturday

sunday

monday

tuesday

continued from page 2 the Judas who had tried to place himself above the true son of God had a 14 record before Tebow stepped in, and certainly had Timothy had more time, he would have won the very game he was first let in on. Looking the 1-5 record square in the face, Tebow knelt, prayed, and started winning football games, going into the playoffs with a

record of 8-8. How did he win those games? Well here is where he really shows off his Christ-ly powers. He pretends to struggle the entire game, throwing for less than 50% completion, and fumbling over and over again, 13 times this season alone (so far). Then, in the fourth quarter, the miracle play occurs. He throws 80 yard passes for touchdowns. Suddenly, games where he was losing by over 15 points are won. He endures the Stations of the Cross but perseveres. The shackles he put on himself are thrown off and the Broncos win game after game. But of course he is smart; he left the record at 8-8, not any higher so he wouldnt raise suspicion. He wants to show people its time to believe! He has removed the false prophet Hitchens, the Anti-Christ Obama is on his way out, and Beelzebub will soon be called forth to do battle with the only man who can defeat him: Tebow. I mean, hell, he beat the Steelers when only five of their starting defensive players were out and Big Ben was injured. To beat a team as stacked as that, you need all the prayer in the world! Keep on praying Filipino Jesus, and do us all a favor and win the Super bowl. If nothing else, it will make our embarrassing loss more explicable.

Price of textbooks got you down?

THE BOOK PLACE

74 Forbes Avenue
WE ACCEPT:

PANTHER FUNDS FIRST BORN CHILDREN INTERNAL ORGANS IOUS INDENTURED SERVITUDE SEXUAL FAVORS GOLD BRICKS

that llamas got glasses. that is real neat.

the pittiful news

january 13th, 2011

continued from page 1 beverages, which were served in red Solo cups that were later converted into souvenirs of the bash. My Solo cup is on my desk, relates professional ninja Wenyuan Zhou. I always have so much fun at Club Hilly, so its nice to have it as a reminder. Before, I just had a random reference book I stole from the first floor. Lets just say it was a successful night. But once the souvenirs were safely away, the Club went wild. The Pittiful News has tried to find out what exactly happened last weekend, Party evidence includes a three-story tall tower of timeless Russian literature organized alphabetically, several overturned bookshelves, and toilet paper draped around the tree in the stairwell to resemble a panther. Several Forbes residents contacted the police to complain of the raucous. To the detriment of reporters, no eyewitnesses would give a straight answer. What happens at Club Hillman, stays at Club Hillman, explains undergraduate Michelle Varkey.

Plush owls recalled for looking at customers in the wrong way

Toy Recall Notification

editor-in-pajamasis-coming-down-the-stairs Early this week Hunter-Cost toy manufacturers recalled 32,000 plush owls in response to a slew of customer complaints. Most customers found defects in the stitched eyes, claiming that they toy frequently gave them unfriendly and judgmental looks or penetrated the customers soul. Customers also noted that the buttons on the toy had been made to be a little too tasty looking and posed a choking hazard to all ages. Just last year Hunter-Cost re called its model of Tootsie the Turtle after buyers claimed that the doll was encouraging their children to commit violent acts with kitchen utensils in the name of Satan. The company claims that it was unaware of both products defects when each was released and apologize for damage it may have inflicted. It plans to rerelease the plush owls with less squinty-lookin eyes and buttons that dont look like they should be edible.
KELSEY HENKE

JOIN THE CLUB meetings sunday 8:31pm willam pitt union bottom floor
CONTRIBUTING STAFF Kelsey Henke Editor-In-Chief Senior Writer Senior Contributor Content Editor Staff Writer

W O R D S TO I M P R E S S T H E L A D I E S

Wills Butler Alex Semidei John Lee Sophia Taborski

Are you free tonight or will it cost me?

ALEX SEMIDEI Senior Contributor

Mindy Filandilokus Senior Writer