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Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus? I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow CRAP. I said, "You f***ers don't farm! C'mon, what about some celery? I like carrots. Plus if I tore your legs off, you would look like tiny snowmen." Fish are always eating other fish. If fish could scream, the ocean would be loud as CRAP. You would not want to submerge your head, nothing but fish going "AWWWW F***! I thought I looked like that rock!" I bought myself a parrot. The parrot talked. But it did not say, "I'm hungry." So it died. It's weird: People say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then? I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that's extra scary to me, because there's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. "Run. He's fuzzy. Get outta here." My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light a bunch of koala bears scatter. And I don't want them to, you know? I'm like, "Hey, wait, come back. Let me hold one of you... and feed you a leaf." Koala bears. They're so f***in' cute, why do they gotta live so far away from me? We should ship a few over. And I will apprehend one. And hold him. And pet him on the back of his head. Dogs are forever in the push up position. "Drop and give me twenty, dog. I know you're ready!" I'd hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat. Gosh darnit anyway! A kitten bats around a ball of yarn but what he's really saying is, "You know I can't knit, motherf***er." That is one foul mouthed kitten. In England, Smokey the Bear is not the forest fire prevention representative. They have Smackie the Frog. It's just like a bear, but it's a frog. I think it's a better system; I think we should adopt it. Because bears can be mean, but frogs are always cool. Never has there been a frog hopping toward me, and I thought, "Man, here comes that frog...I'd better play dead." You never say, "Here comes that frog" in a terrified manner. It's always optimistic, like, "Hey, here comes that frog, all right. Maybe he will settle near me so I can pet him, and stick him in a mayonnaise jar.. with a stick and a leaf.. to recreate his habitat. And I'd certainly have to punch some holes in the lid, because he's darn sure used to air. Then I can observe him, and he won't be doing much in his 16-ounce world." I'd like to talk about the differences between bears and frogsI know it's cliche. Like, if there's a frog around, I don't have to hang my sandwiches from a branch; a frog knows they are for me. He'd rather have a fly, 'cause a fly zig-zags while my sandwich does not... unless I go like this [waves hand back and forth in a zig-zag]... If I want some honey on some toast I don't have to squeeze a plastic frog. There ain't no frog attack prevention pamphlet. "Now if the frog is hopping towards you, do not look the amphibian in the eye. This will incite him." I don't like grouper fish. Well, they're okay. They hang around star fish. [crowd is silent] ...Because they're grouper fish... People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky. A dog came to my door, so I gave him a bone. The dog took the bone into the back yard and buried it. I'm going to go plant a tree there, with bones on it, then the dog will come back and say, "Holy
CRAP! It worked! I must distribute these bones equally for I have a green paw!" I wanted to get a parrot, but I got a tape recorder instead. It's like a parrot who doesn't fly away. You don't have to worry about a tape recorder just suddenly leaving, in the name of freedom. If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be f***ed up. I saw a fish all by itself, I said, "Dude, you should stay in school." If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals because you will run out. I was at the lake and I saw this seagull, so I walked up to it and said, "It's okay, I won't tell anybody."
Sports
I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs. Foosball messed up my perception of soccer. I thought you had to kick the ball and then spin 'round and round. I can't do a back flip, much less several... simultaneously with two other guys... that look just like me. I wish I could play Little League now... I'd kick some f***in' @$$. I'd be way better than before. They'd back up now. Your curveball won't curve. Because you're twelve. The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much you play, you'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once, they're f***ing relentless. I played golf, I'm not good at golf, I never got a hole-in-one ... but I did hit a guy. And that's way more satisfying. You're supposed to yell "fore," but I was too busy mumbling, "There ain't no way that's gonna hit him." I hit a guy in one. What's par for hitting a guy? One. If you hit a guy in two, you are an @$$hole. You know, people think I'm into sports just because I'm a man. I'm not into sports. I mean, I like Gatorade, but that's about as far as it goes. By the way, you don't have to be sweaty and holding a basketball to enjoy a Gatorade. You could just be a thirsty dude. Gatorade forgets about this demographic. I'm thirsty for absolutely no reason. Other than the fact that liquid has not touched my lips for some time. Can I have a Gatorade too, or does that lightning bolt mean "No"? This one time I was in a convenience store, and a guy came up and asked me, "What's the score?" and I said, "What is the game? If it's a competition between me and you, and the object is to ask the other guy questions that befuddle him, then you are winning, one to nothing. Are you happy now, you competitive f***er!?" Yeah, I'm not into sports. If I had athlete's foot, my first reaction would be, "That's not my f***ing foot." I play sports...Wait, no I don't. What the f***! That was a major faux pas. One time I was forced to go to the doctors because of a sports accident. Herpes. I don't wanna have my face on the cover of a Wheaties box. I wanna have my face on the cover of a Rice Krispies box. Snap, Crackle, Mitch, and Pop. "Hey, how the f*** did he do that?" "Hey, in Hollywood it's all who you know, and I know Crackle." You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish; they just want to make it late for something. "Why were you late?" "I got caught!" "BullCRAP, let me see the inside of your lip!" I want to go fishing and catch a fishstick. That would be convenient. I could easily get a job working for Mrs. Paul's. Just put me in a boat with some empty boxes and I'll return them to the freezer section of your local grocery store. I want to climb a mountain not so I can get to the top cause I want to hang out at base camp. That scene's f***ing fun as CRAP. You sleep in a colorful tent, you grow a beard, you drink hot chocolate, you walk around... "Hey, you going to the top?" "Soon."
sponge... that would melt easily over tortilla chips. I had a bag of Fritos, but these were Texas Grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. Heck yeah. Reminds me of summertime, when we used to fire up the barbecue and throw down some Fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on. "Better flip that Frito Dad, you know how I like mine: with grill marks." I like swiss cheese. It's the only cheese you can draw with a pencil and still identify. You can draw American cheese, but someone will think it's cheddar. "That's Swiss!" "Yes, it is." "But how did you know?" "Because of the f***ing holes!" Swiss cheese is a rip-off; it's is the only cheese you can bite and miss. "Hey Mitch - does that sandwich have cheese on it?" "Every now and then!" I got some swiss air on that bite. I had a box of Ritz crackers and on the back of the box of Ritz crackers it had all these suggestions as to what to put on top of the Ritz. It said, "Try it with turkey and cheese." "Try it with peanut butter." Oh, c'mon man, they're crackers. That's why I got 'em I like crackers. There ain't no suggestion: "Put a Ritz on top of a Ritz." I didn't buy 'em 'cuz they're little edible plates. I think Pringles' original intention was to make tennis balls. Then, on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid-back company. They said, "F*** it. Cut 'em up!" I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same. "What's a giraffe taste like?" "A hippopotamus! I had 'em back-to-back!" I like cottage cheese. That is why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado. It would be devastating..
Breakfast foods
I bought a doughnut from a store and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. Man, I'll just give you money, then you give me the doughnut. End of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I just can't imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend: "Don't even act like I didn't get that doughnut, I've got the documentation right here. Oh wait, it's at home, in the file... under D for doughnut. I like cinnamon rolls. That's why I wish they made, like, a cinnamon roll incense. 'Cause I don't always have time to make a pan. Perhaps I'd rather light a stick, and have my roommates wake up with false hopes. I opened up a container of yogurt, and under the lid it said "Please Try Again," because apparently they were having a contest I was unaware of. But I thought I might have opened the yogurt wrong. Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me "C'mon, Mitchell, don't give up. Please try again. A message of inspiration from your friends at Yoplait Fruit on the bottom, hope on top." I like waffles better than pancakes. Because waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps. They say to syrup, "You ain't going anywhere, don't even be trying to creep down the sides. Just rest in these squares, if one square is full, move on. When you hit butter, split up." I make instant oatmeal in the morning then I don't do CRAP for an hour. Makes me wonder why I need the instant oatmeal. I could make the regular oatmeal and feel productive. As a comedian you have to start a show strong and end the show strong. Those are the two key
elements. You can't be like pancakes, all exciting at first but at the end you're f***ing sick of them. Peter Frampton is a musical legend, but I don't know any of his music. When you meet a legend, and you don't know their body of work, you have to divert from that fact. It's like: "Hey Peter Frampton... do you like... toast, too? Yes, as do I. It is warm and crispy. And a perfect place for jelly to lay. Now stay away from me, Frampton, I ain't got CRAP to say to you." I'm lactose intolerant, so I eat my cereal with a fork.
Mitch?" "Not much, looking to buy some pop? Fifty cents a can. It's not refrigerated because this is a half-@$$ed commitment." I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late. I used to buy a lot of M&Ms, they're a delicious candy. But then I switched to aspirin. I find that if you hand your friend two aspirin, he doesn't look at you like you're selfish.
pickles, onions on a... bun. "What's a sesame seed grow into?" I don't know, we never give them a chance. What the f*** is a sesame?! It's a street. It's a way to... open.. CRAP. How does a sesame seed stick to a bun? That's f***in' magical. There has to be some sesame seed glue out there. Either that or they're adhesive on one side. Peel off the backing, place it on the bun. Now your bun will look spectacular! Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something. Fettuccine alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults. I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake. I was at a fair, and they were having a contest. It said, "Guess how many jelly beans there are in the jar" and you win a prize. "Ah c'mon, man, lemme just haaaave some. Tell you what, you guess how many I want. If you said a handful, you are right." "I have long hair, and see, people associate long hair with drug use. I wish long hair was associated with something other than drug use, like 'an extreme longing for cake'. People would see a guy with long hair and say "darn, that f***er eats cake, he's on bundt cake". Mothers telling their daughters "don't bring the cake-eater over here anymore, he smells like flour. Did you notice how his eyes widened when he found out your birthday was fast approaching?" I want to get a job as someone who names kitchen appliances. Toaster, refrigerator, blender....all you do is say what the CRAP does, and add "er". I wanna work for the Kitchen Appliance Naming Institute. "Hey, what does that do?" "It keeps CRAP fresh." "Well that's a fresher. I'm going on break." I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle. Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1000 of something is too many. I'll have 1000 pieces of noodle. I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil... and the devil was Dill. You know they call corn-on-the-cob "corn-on-the-cob," but that's how it comes out of the ground, man. They should call that "corn," and call every other version "corn-off-the-cob." It's not like if you cut off my arm you would call it "Mitch," then reattach it and call me "Mitch-all-together." It would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food, and then the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like you could eat a carrot with an onion ring, and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there and the carrot would say, "It's cool, he's with me." I like baked potatoes, but they take too long to make. Sometimes I throw one in the oven, even if I don't want one. By the time it's done, who knows? I throw one in and go on vacation. I eat a lot of sandwiches, who doesn't man, sandwiches are easy to eat. But I hate sandwiches at New York delis, too much f***ing meat on the sandwich, it's like a cow with a cracker on either side. "What would you like, sir?" "A pastrami sandwich." "Anything else?" "Yeah, a loaf of bread and some other people." "What kind of bread?" "Rye. No, f***, banana, you got banana bread?[Mitch messes up joke]" "What kind of cheese?" "Cottage" "Get the f*** out! I am not making a banana bread pastrami cottage cheese sandwich. That will severely ruin my reputation." I played golf once, I never managed to get a hole in one. I did manage to hit a guy, it's alot more satisfying. You're supposed to yell four, but I was to busy muttering, "There's no way I can hit that guy"
Comedy clubs
I'm going to open up my own chain of comedy clubs, Price is Right style. There will be no one on the bill, just a bunch of people in the audience with name tags on. Then someone will get on the microphone, "John Chicattee come on down.... and you better be f***ing funny!" (A Sunday show) This sign says "IMPROV". I had a bad set on Friday night, so yesterday they put an "E" on the end of it. I'm getting a good deal from this club 50% of the door. Last night I got 50% of the door, and tonight I'm getting 50% of the door. Tomorrow, I'm going to go out and buy a door. Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show. See, I write jokes for a living, man. I sit in my hotel at night and think of something that's funny and then I go get a pen and write 'em down. Or, if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of, ain't funny. My manager takes 10% from me. Sometimes I work for free drinks.... I bring him home a Jack and Coke. I worked at one comedy club where I didn't get many laughs. So the club manager said, "Mitch, you're not getting any laughs. You're gonna have to vacuum the club." He made me vacuum... so I told the next crowd: hey, you guys have to start laughing. Otherwise, don't drop CRAP! "...were they a good crowd?" "Yeah, they were neat." At some comedy clubs they pass out comment cards. You fill it out with your name and address, and there's a line for comments for people to put what they think. Sometimes people write negative things, and that's not necessary. I've read some that say "Mitch sucks" but I look up above and it has their name and address. That's right, I do suck, but I've got a lot of free time. I have some speakers up here, thank God, because last night I didn't have them and I was telling jokes and I had no idea which joke I was telling. So I told jokes twice. I even told that one twice. In the club when they want to get offstage they turn on a red light that indicated you have five minutes left. Some clubs they'll hold up a candle in the back. That's the worst method because you're up here drinking and you look in the back and see a floating candle. "Aw CRAP, this place is haunted. I cannot be funny when I'm frightened."
This CRAP is funny. Why are you guys not laughing? Well, actually, this is not funny CRAP. Funny CRAP would be if you took a CRAP, and it came out looking like...a sword. I don't know what that meant there. That part was ad-libbed. I'll take it back. I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones. That joke came from the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny. If I would have had more crank before the show, that would have been funny. Wait.... Hold on ... that joke wasn't laid out properly ... it refers to before and after ... all right ...
In-performance jokes
I've always wanted to handcuff a suitcase to my wrist.... alright [Audience laughs.] That's not a full joke there, that's filler .....wow, the list is bending up ... I can't read it. (After replugging in his microphone) I hate puzzles. Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen. (At the Just for Laugh comedy festival) This is my favorite place to perform - in a big room full with people. I was here 3 years ago, and I thought I did pretty well - everybody was laughin' and having a good time. But then, they didn't bring me back for 3 years. So tonight, I'm gonna try to suck. Maybe that'll bring me back next year... Hey, check this joke out. If you want to talk to me after the show, I'll be... f***in'... surprised. I'm gonna have to have some liner notes for that joke. "During that joke, Mitch points to the back." So people get the full experience. I'm gonna do a bunch of jokes that require actually seeing me. Then the CD will piss people off. "Hey, what do you think of that shirt? What the f***, man? That's ridiculous" [audience laughs] "Goddarn, look at that haircut! You're f***in' nuts, dude!" Those people will not get the full experience.
[Mitch] Hey, you can smoke in Minnesota clubs, right? [silence] Can you? [From crowd] YOU can! [Mitch] Well who the f*** am I? [lights pipe] Mitch Hedberg, that's right. (Part of the crowd started talking) [Mitch] What are you talking about over there? [Girl from crowd] It's funny! [Mitch] I don't need you to say 'It's funny', I just need you to say 'ha ha ha'. (Mitch tells another joke) [Mitch] What did you think of that joke? [Girl from crowd] SPECTACULAR! [Mitch] Spectacular? That's a big word. You f***ers are intelligent. I like to close my eyes onstage, cuz I have drawn a picture of an audience enjoying the show more on the back of my eyelids... I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once. Today we got here early, and we unloaded the truck... the stool and microphone stand... and we still had like five hours... so we re-loaded the truck, to see if we could unload more efficiently... We got it down to two seconds. I heard the last comic say you guys f***in' rock I thought maybe you were all in a band or something... If you were it would be real f***ing big. You make the Polyphonic Spree look like a solo artist. The host said I needed no introduction, and then he introduced me. But I do need an introduction... or else I would still be back there... behind the curtain... waiting for my name. Has anyone seen me on Letterman? Two million people watch that show and I don't know where they are. "You might have seen this next comedian on the Late Show", but I think more people have seen me at the store. That should be my introduction. "You might have seen this next comedian at the store" and people would say "Heck yes I have!" I whittled the list down today. These are the jokes I could think of today. Which mean they are the CD jokes. I might think of another one that won't be on this list and I'll throw it in, in a moment of spontaneity, that you won't be able to detect. Because you won't notice it's not on the list. But I will be proud of the spontaneity, and you'll see it in my... stride. (Beginning of recording his second CD) See, this CD will be in stores. The only way to get my last CD in stores is if I would take one in and leave it. They say "Sir, you forgot this." "No I did not! That is for sale! Please alphabetize it." (co-headlining with Stephen Lynch) I gotta follow Stephen Lynch. That is a hard act to follow. I'm a hard act to follow too. Cause when I am done, I take the microphone with me. F*** off ... Oops I'm sorry, that's rude, f*** back on! I went to Ireland to tell jokes [Guy in Audience]: WOO HOO! [Mitch]: That's right, and thats why I left, 'cuz f***ers go "Woo hoo!" I can't take "Woo hoo" anymore. And I'll be darned if they don't do it here too! (Houston, Laff Stop in 2004) [Mitch approaches front-row crowd, who apparently aren't enjoying themselves to the expectations of Mr. Hedberg] "You f***ers aren't laughing... Paid big money for front-row seats. Now, I get to decide just how good these seats are... I could just be all like... [Mitch turns around and walks backstage] "F*** you!" [Still from backstage, we hear a thump and a disgruntled "Ow"] "This is experimental comedy right here... Allright. [Mitch ventures back dragging a one-wheeled dolly behind him.] "Hey! Check it out! A One-Wheeled Dolly!.. [pause] I will sell you this dolly for... ten dollars? No? Allright, time for the pipe joke... [Mitch pulls out his pipe and leans on the dolly.] Note: The rest of the show, the one-wheeled dolly was used as an arm rest for Mitch.
Hotels
I can't tell you what hotel I'm staying at, but there are two trees involved. They said, "Let's call this 'something tree'," so they had a meeting. It was quite short. "How about 'Tree.'" "No." "'DoubleTree'?" "Heck YEAH! Meeting adjourned!" "I had my heart set on 'QuadrupleTree.' We were almost there!" I met the girl that works at the DoubleTree front desk. She gave me her phone number; it's Zero. I tried to call her from here; some other woman answered. I said, "You sound older." I've got a do not disturb sign on my hotel door; it says, "Do not disturb." It's time to go with "Don't disturb." It's been "do not" for too long. We need to embrace the contraction. "Don't Disturb." "Do not" psyches you out. "'Do', alright! I get to disturb this guy! 'Not'... CRAP!!... I need to read faster!" I like to wear a do not disturb sign on my neck so that little kids can't tell me knock knock jokes. Say "Hey, how ya doin', nephew?" "Knock knock!" "Read the sign, punk!" I'm at a hotel room and my friend comes over and he says, "Can I use the phone?" I said, "Certainly." He said, "Do I need to dial nine?" "Yeah, especially if it's in the number. You can try hitting four and five back to back real quick." I'm staying at a hotel and it doesn't have a 13th floor 'cause of superstition. But c'mon, people on the fourteenth floor, you know what floor you're really on. "What room are you in?" "1401." "No you're NOT! Jump out of the window, you will die EARLIER!" Sometimes the hotel I stay at has a minibar. A minibar is a machine that makes everything... expensive. And when I take something out of the minibar, I always fathom that I'm gonna replace it before they can check me off and charge me. But they make that CRAP impossible to replace. I go to the store, "Do you have Coke in a glass harmonica? Do you have individually wrapped cashews?"
Apartments
I had an apartment and I had a neighbor, and whenever he would knock on my wall I knew he wanted me to turn my music down and that made me angry 'cause I like loud music... so when he knocked on the wall, I'd mess with his head. I'd say, "Go around! I cannot open the wall! I dunno if you have a doorknob on your side but over here there's nothin'. It's just flat." I went to the Home Depot, which was unnecessary. I need to go to the Apartment Depot, which is just a big warehouse with a whole lot of people standing around saying, "We don't have to fix CRAP." I bought a house. It's a 2 bedroom house. But I think it's up to me how many bedrooms there are. Don't you? F*** you real estate lady, this bedroom has a oven in it! This bedroom has a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom's over in that guy's house. Sir, you've got one of my bedrooms, are you aware? Don't decorate it!
The South
In the South, they say y'all in the South. They take out the o and the u, so when I'm in the South I try to talk like that so people understand me.Hello, can I have a bowl of chicken noodle... S'p? Come on, I'm in the South, you understand me! I mean, I'm in the S'th, and I want some s'p! I stubbed my toe... 'ch!... I need to lay down on the c'ch... I need to get the f'ck 't of the S'th.
Chicago
Relax, guys. Don't boo Chicago. It's just a city. Look, I'm sorry if some girl there screwed you over or an elevator took you to the wrong floor. I can't control that CRAP. Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
Stores
I was in a convenience store reading a magazine and the clerk came up to me and said, "This is not a library." So I said, "All right, I will talk louder then!" I was at the grocery store buying eight apples, and the clerk asked me if I would like a bag and I said, "No, man, I juggle! But I can only juggle eight. If I'm ever here buying nine apples, f***in' bag 'em up!" I was walking by a dry cleaner at 3 AM and there was a sign that said, "Sorry, we're closed." You don't have to be sorry. It's 3 AM and you're a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I'm not gonna come by at 10 and say, "Hey, I was here at 3 AM and you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology. This shirt would be half done!" I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. Darn. I think that the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around, then when I finally make it in the guy will say, "Can I help you, sir?" and I'll say, "Just practicing." I wish I were a locksmith. I'd be pimping that CRAP out. I'd be all like, "Hey, I'll trade you a free key duplication for" [laughs] ... That joke made me laugh before I could finish it. Which is good, 'cause it doesn't have an ending. Kinko's is my favorite copy place 'cause it's open 24 hours. Like, if it's three in the morning, and I suddenly decide I need two of something, I'm covered. Sometimes I will wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat: "CRAP... oh yeah, Kinko's... alright, that will not remain singular."
Household items
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. I wrote my friend a letter using a highlighting pen but he could not read it; he thought I was just trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper. Whoever invented sunglasses must have been the coolest motherf***er alive. Hey, what kind of
glasses are those? I have a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one ever needed to sleep over, I guess he'd be comfortable. "Oh, you're a king, you say? Wait until you see what I have in store for you! It is to your exact specifications...I did not know you guys were all the same size. I think I can set your lady up too!" When I was a kid, I used to lie awake in my twin-sized bed wonderin' where my brother was... I have an oscillating fan at home; it looks like it's saying 'Noo...' so I like to ask it questions that a fan would say 'no' to. "Do you keep my hair in place?" "Do you keep my documents in order?" "Do you have three settings?" Liar! My fan f***in' lied to me! Now I will pull the pin up. Now you ain't sayin' CRAP!" I got a lamp in my hotel room and it has a 3-way lightbulb in it. If you don't know a lightbulb is a 3way lightbulb, it messes with your head, because you go to turn it off and it just gets brighter. Like "Darn it, lightbulb, that's the exact opposite of what I wanted you to do." And then you turn it again and it gets brighter once more. "I will break you."
Money
I saw some two dollar bills today. They were for sale for eight dollars. Someone's severely wrong there. What happened? It spun out of control. Now it's worth eight. It still says two. I miss the two. I could break a two. Alright.
Non-household items
My snake bite emergency repair kit is a body bag.... I want to be a race car passenger--just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say, man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why we gotta keep going in circles? Can I stick my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide." Xylophone is spelled with an X. It should be a Z. Xylophone ZZZ X, I don't f***ing see it. Next time you spell Xylophone, spell it with a Z. If someone tells you that's wrong, say "no it ain't." If you think that that's wrong then you need to get your head Z-Rayed. It's like X didn't have enough to do so they had to promise it more. "Okay, you won't start a lot of words, but you will have a costarring role in Tic-Tac-Toe. And you will be equated with hugs and kisses. And you will mark the spot. And you will make writing 'Christmas' easier. And you will incidentally start 'xylophone.' Are you happy now, you f***ing X?" I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why; that's what they're supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed. Imagine trying to fly a chair. You'd have to run like a motherf***er. I tried to throw away a yo-yo. It was f***ing impossible. I like an escalator because an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator temporarily out-of-order" sign. Just "Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience." We apologize for the fact that you can still get up there. I rent a lot of cars, 'cause I go on the road, and when I drive a rental car, I don't know what's going on with them, right. So a lot of times I'll drive for like ten miles with the emergency brake on. That doesn't say a lot for me, but it really doesn't say a lot for the emergency brake. It's really not an emergency brake, it's an emergency 'make the car smell funny' lever.
I don't know CRAP about cars, man. If my car breaks down, and I don't see that little "E" on the dashboard, I'm f***ed. But if that "E" is there, man, I act all cocky. I'm like "I got this one under control!" Then I pull out the toolbox, AKA wallet. I'd make a CRAPpy auto mechanic. People would bring their car in to me and say, "My car won't start." "Well maybe there's a killer after you!" I'd like to take a toothpick and throw it into a forest and say, 'You're home.' I can whistle with my fingers too... especially if I have a whistle.
Photos
I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a lake, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen. Where are all the "during" photos? [audience does not respond] It refers to "before" and "after." One time a guy handed me a picture of himself, and he said, "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is of when you were younger. "Here's a picture of me when I am older." "You son of a gun, how'd you pull that off? Let me see that camera." Whenever I hang around a group of friends, I try to make sure we hang out clockwise. That way, if we're photographed, we are easy to identify. ... (to audience member) ...what, you don't get that one? Neither do I; I don't know why I do it. I just have this thing in me that won't let me drop it. I have a sister named Wendy, and if you asked my sister if I was weird she'd probably say "Yeah." But that's f***ed up because she's weird, because she has a husband and two children, and they have a family portrait on their VCR where they are all looking slightly to the left. The camera is right in front of you! But apparently, something happened just to the left -that made everybody happy. But my sister is cross-eyed, so she can't quite pull it off. One eye is right the f*** on!
Phones
I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone needs to get a hold of me, they just say, "Mitch," and I say, "What?" and turn my head slightly. I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number. Something like 222-2222. I would say, "Sweet." People would say, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I would say, "Just press 2 for a while, and when I answer, you will know that you have pressed 2 enough. Instead of 'hello,' I say STOP!!!" You know when a company wants to use letters in their phone number to be catchy, but oftentimes they use too many letters? "Give us a call down here at 1-800-I-LOVE-BRAND-NEWCARPETING." I like to spell it out til the bitter end, and if the lady's still on the other end, God bless her. (Alt: 1-800-I-REALLY-ENJOY-CARPETING. It's too many letters man, must I dial them all? "Hello?" "Hold on, man. I'm only on 'enjoy.' How did you know I was calling? You're good. I can see why they hired you.") I called the hotel operator and she said, "How can I direct your call?" I said, "Well, you could say 'Action!' and I'll begin to dial. And when I say 'Goodbye,' then you can yell 'Cut!'"
Clothing
Dr. Scholl is a doctor, which means he spent nine years in med school. That man wasted his time. It took him nine years to learn that cushions make shoes comfortable. I would have bought that CRAP from a Mr. Scholl. Maybe even a Seor Scholl. Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets. I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down. I wear v-neck shirts, this is a v-neck I got on. My neck is so fragile man, I can't wear a regular neck shirt, it hurts. And I especially hate turtle necks. Wearing a turtle neck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Like if you wear a turtle neck and a backpack it's like a weak midget is trying to bring you down. I was at a club and they had blacklights everywhere. A blacklight is a light that makes everyone look cool... except me, 'cause I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out. This jacket is dry clean only. Which means .... it's dirty. My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?
Music
I was walking down the street with my friend and he said, "I hear music." As though there's any other way to take it in. You're not special. That's how I receive it too. I tried to taste it, but it did not work. I went to see a heavy metal band in New York...called Monster Magnet. Man, they were heavy, boy. The lead singer got on the monitor, and he said, "How many of you people feel like human beings tonight?" Then he said, "How many of you feel like animals?" And everyone cheered after the animals part. But the thing is, I cheered after the human being part because I did not know that there was a second part to the question. "Yes, I do feel like a human. I do not feel like a tree." I used to play in a Death Metal band. People either loved us or they hated us... or they just thought we were "okay." A Lot of Death Metal bands have intense names like Rigor Mortis or Mortuary or Obituary. We weren't that intense. We just went with "Injured." And later we changed it to "A Cappella"... as we were walkin' out of the pawn shop. Some songs have a special meaning for a man in regards to a woman, but this can backfire because maybe the song had deeper meaning to begin with, but now it's been cheapened... "We are the world, we are the children, we are the ones who make a better life so let's keep on givin'." "Remember that song, baby? The night I f***ed you in the pet cemetery?" You know when you go to a concert like punk-rock and the kids get on stage and they jump into the crowd? People think that's dangerous, but not me... because humans are made of 95% water, so the audience is 5% away from a pool.
Family
My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set. I wrote a letter to my dad. I wanted to write, "I really enjoy being here," but I accidentally wrote "rarely" instead of "really." But I still wanted to use it! I didn't want to cross it out, so I wrote, "I rarely... drive steamboats, Dad there's a lot of CRAP you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator. This letter took a harsh turn right away. Hello, Dad." And then at the end of the letter I like to write, "P.S. This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated." Sometimes I get so pissed at my parents because they wanted to adopt. My sister could have been the love of my life, but now I'll never know.
Friends
I was gonna stay over at my friend's house. She says "You're gonna have to sleep on the floor." Darn gravity! Got me again. You don't know how bad I wanna sleep on the wall! I have a friend who is a juggler. When I go to his house I don't like to take food from him if it is in threes. "He has three apples left...I guess I can't have one." Wouldn't want to mess up the practice routine. If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable. My friend said to me, "Man, this weather is trippy." I said to him, "No, man, it's not the weather that is trippy. Perhaps it is the way we perceive it that is indeed trippy." Then I thought, "Man, I should have just said, 'Yeah.'" My friend said to me, "You know what I like? Mashed potatoes." I was like, "Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause in there." I knew a woman who was a good friend of mine, and she gave me a friendship card that said "a friend is one of life's most beautiful gifts." On the inside were a bunch of quotes about friendship. Got me thinking that maybe I should quit stealing money out of her purse. But I couldn't, because her birthday was fast approaching.
Girlfriends
I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would be really mad if she heard me say that. I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because then I tried to walk out and slam the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zipper it up really quick? My girlfriend works at Hooters... in the kitchen. I have a girlfriend named Lynn. She spells her name L-Y-N-N. And my old girlfriend's name was Lyn, too. She spells her name L-Y-N. Every now and then I mess up and call my new girlfriend by my old girlfriend's name. And she can tell because I don't say "nn" as long.
Roommates
I had a roommate whose name was Eddie, and Eddie was slow on the mental draw. I was writing a letter and I had a problem; I said, "Ed, how do you abbreviate 'Arkansas?'" He said, "I don't know. Just start spelling it, then quit." Like, we had a refrigerator with a hard-boiled egg inside. After a few days the shell started to crack. Eddie's first comment was, "Man, this guy is a survivor." If you were walking down the street with Eddie and a car pulled up to you and two guys got out with ski masks and guns and said, "Get in the car. We're going to kidnap you," Eddie would've said, "Shotgun!" I would've been in the back seat with the other kidnapper... "He called it." Last time I called shotgun, we had rented a limo, so I messed up. I live in New York, and I got a roommate to save money, but see, I messed up, cause I'm 31 and I'm
too old for a roommate. I signed a year lease too. I messed up severely. It's as though I wrote a bad joke and now I gotta tell it for a year.
I bought a scratch-off lottery ticket, but then I accidentally spilled calamine lotion on it, so it did not need to be scratched. Shoot! I will not know if I have won! I saw a billboard for the lottery. It said, "Estimated lottery jackpot 55 million dollars." I did not know that was estimated. That would suck if you won and they said, "Oh, we were off by two zeroes. We estimate that you are angry!"
I think Visine is only used by potheads. Who else would use Visine? "I use Visine because I don't want people to know that I was swimming." I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life. These lights are pretty bright, kinda makes me wanna grow weed again. I was in a movie recently. I had a small cameo with Peter Frampton. We had to smoke fake pot in our scene. Do not buy pot on a movie set! But yeah, for this scene I got to smoke fake pot with Peter Frampton. That's a cool story. It's as cool as smokin' real pot with a guy who looks like Peter Frampton. And I done that waaaaaay more. Acid was my favorite drug. Acid opened up my mind. Because of acid I now know that butter is way better than margarine. I saw through the bullCRAP. I drink Orange Juice with Vodka. It's like Vitamin C that kicks your @$$! When we were on acid we would go into the woods; because when you were in the woods trippin' there was less likely a chance you'd run into an authority figure ... but we ran into a bear; that was even more of a buzz-kill. My friend Duayne was standing there raising his right hand swearing to help prevent forest fires. We got away from the bear, he put his arm around my shoulder and said to me "Mitchell, Smokey is way more intense in person."
Hygiene
I got some tartar-control toothpaste. I still got tartar, but that CRAP's under control. If the tartar gets outta line, I'm like, "Come on, man, you know the deal. Fall in! You crazy-@$$ tartar..." I got so much tartar, I don't have to dip my fish sticks in CRAP! ... That's actually kinda gross. After I tell that joke, I always clarify that I'm just joking. I don't know how much tartar I actually have. I assume it's the average amount. If we all did a tartar test right now, my name would be right in the f***in' middle. I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others. I thought my teeth were white, until I washed my face with Noxzema. They're not white, they're offwhite. Heck, I'm not even white, I'm off-white. We're a new race, we will prevail! I wanted to get my teeth whitened, but I said, "F*** that. I'll just get a tan instead." My roommate says, "I need to shave and use the shower. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird-@$$ quiz where he reveals the answer first. Every time I go and shave, I assume there is somebody else on the planet shaving as well, so I say "I'm gonna go shave... too." I booked myself at Las Vegas, in a casino, the Riviera Hotel, that has a comedy club. There were 4 comedians on the bill and we all had similar hair because we were all using the Riviera in-house shampoo. So we all have equal shine and bounce. It was a 2-in-1 shampoo and 2-in-1 is a bullCRAP term because 1 isn't big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created. If it was 2-in-1, it would be overflowing. The bottle would be all sticky and CRAP... I was in my hotel's shower, and I started washing my hair, then I looked at the bottle, and it turned out I was using body wash. It was like a scene from one of those action movies where they get real close to the object. I was like, "Body wash... BODY WASH?" And then I realized my hair was part of my body and I didn't even care.
Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars! I can't floss my teeth, man. I can't get into the flossing thing. People who smoke say, "Man, you don't know how hard it is to stop smoking." Yes, I doit's as hard as it is to start flossing... "You seem jittery." "Yeah, I'm about to floss!" Man, I hate flossing. I wish I just had one long curvy tooth. They didn't need to make seperations for me. I have a few cavities. I don't like to call 'em cavities, I like to call 'em places to put stuff! 'Do you know where I can store a pea?' 'Yes, I have some locations available'.
Miscellaneous
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read! Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. "Tom's gone!" "Is he a magician?" "No." "Then let's print up some flyers!" Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup. Hey! Get your priorities crooked. Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load CRAP into a truck. I mumble a lot offstage; I'm a mumbler. If I'm walking with a friend and I say something, he won't hear me. He'll say, "What?" So I'll say it again, but once again he doesn't hear me, so he says, "What?" But really it's just some insignificant CRAP that I'm saying, but now I'm yelling, "That tree is far away!" I was at a bar once, and no one was talking to me 'cuz I just did a show, and I ran into a guy, and instead of saying "Excuse me" he said, "Move." I thought that was rude so I said, "Go to Heck," then I started to run. He caught me, though. He had on a mustache, a goatee, a pair of earrings, a lip ring, two eyebrow piercings, a pair of sunglasses, a pony-tail, and he was wearing a hat. He said, "Hey, man, you got a lot of nerve," and then I said "Hey, man, you have a lot of... cranial accessories." [crowd laughs] You guys are a smart crowd. When I do the dumber crowds, I have to say, "Hey, man, you got a lot of CRAP on your head!" I would imagine if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy. You'd say "Shut up! I don't understand! 'Share'...'the'...'we'...'too' -- I don't get it!" When it comes to racism, some people say, "I don't care if they are black, white, purple or green." Ah, hold on now...purple or green? You gotta draw the line somewhere. To Heck with purple people! Unless they're suffocatin'... Then, help 'em! If you can convince an American that they are in Canada, you can get more money for a magazine. If you get lost in the woods, f*** it, build a house! I used to be lost, but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament! I wanna see a forklift lift a crate of forks. It would be so darn literal! "You're using that machine to its exact specification! That machine has been misunderstood for years." You know when you have medication that makes you drowsy they print the warning label "do not operate heavy machinery while under the influence of this medication." The way I feel do not
operate heavy machinery EVER. Its f***in' heavy. Just put it down and back the f*** up. Operate some light machinery, like a stapler. Put the forklift away. I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long. Whenever I walk, people try to hand me out flyers. And when someone tries to hand me out a flyer, it's kinda like they're saying, "Here, YOU throw this away." I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later. I hate dreaming. Because when you sleep, you wanna sleep. Dreaming is work, ya know? There I am in a comfortable bed, the next thing you know, I have to build a go-kart with my ex-landlord. I want to dream of me watching myself sleep. If 13 is an unlucky number, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association. "12, I know I saw you with 13." "No I wasn't, I was with 11. You talk to 14 about that CRAP." "What do you have to say, 14?" "Me divided by 2 equals 7... alright, I was with 13, CRAP." Thirteen's an unlucky number. If thirteen's unlucky, then so should the letter B be. Cuz B looks like a scrunched together thirteen. "Hello. What's your name?" "BOB" "Get the f*** away!" I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it. I type at one hundred and one words a minute. But it's in my own language. If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower. I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming. I use the word "totally" too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. "Mitch, do you like submarine sandwiches?" "All-encompassingly." I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring. I wrote a script for a guy, and he said he liked it but he thought that I needed to rewrite it. I said, "F*** that, I'll just make a copy." I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it is, I have to tell them something that is going on. "What time is it, Mitch?" "Uh, that guy is eating a hamburger." "CRAP, I had to be somewhere." I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day. As an adult, I'm not supposed to go down slides. So, if I'm at the top of a slide, I have to pretend like I got there accidentally. "How'd I get up here, Goshdarnit!? I guess I have to slide down. Weeee." That's what you say when you're having fun you refer to yourself and some other people. I've had the AIDS test four times. And that CRAP is scary, doesn't matter what you've been doing. So I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore; I get the roundabout AIDS test. I call up my friend Brian and say "Brian, do you know anyone that has AIDS? No? Cool. 'Cause you know me." I was on That 70's Show, and I put it on my acting rsum. Before that my acting rsum was sparse; it was all bullCRAP. It was like, "When I'm playing pool, and I make a shot, I act like I'm not surprised. I had a bad audition and I acted like I didn't care." I got into comedy to do comedy, which is weird, I know. But when you're in Hollywood and you're a
comedian everybody wants you to do other things besides comedy. They say, "Alright, you're a standup comedian. Can you act? Can you write? Write us a script." They want me to do things that's related to comedy but not comedy. That's not fair. It's as though I was a cook, and I worked my @$$ off to become a really good cook, and they said, "Alright, you're a cook... Can you farm?" I never joined the army because "at ease" was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I don't relax by parting my legs slightly and putting my hands behind my back. That does not equal ease. "At ease" was not being in the military. I am at ease, bro, because I am not in the military. A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer. I dressed up for the CD. Do you believe in gosh? I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary, It did not need to exist... It was pure Danger. Man. I went to the doctor the other day. All this guy did was suck blood out of my neck. Never go to see Dr. Acula. It's hard to dance if you just lost your wallet. "Whoa! Where's my wallet? But, f*** it, this song is funky..." In my house I have a sliding glass door, and on it is a sticker that says "Warning: Alarm System". And it's a pretty simple alarm system, consisting of... a sticker. I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart. People in a parade are cocky. They think they've attracted an audience, but really it's just people waiting to cross the street. I could attract a crowd too if I stood in everyone's way. I get a cold sore. I hate to say it, Minnesota, but in a cold sore I put Carmex on it 'cause Carmex is supposed to alleviate cold sores. I dunno if it does help, but it will make them shiny and more noticeable. It's like cold sore highlighter! Maybe they could come up with an arrow that heals cold sores. I f***in' hate arrows, man. It's like, "F*** you. I'm not going that way .... line... with two thirds...of a triangle on the end." Could you imagine being killed by a bow and arrow? That would suck. An arrow killed you. They would never solve the crime. "Look at that dead guy.... Let's go that way." I did comedy for a fundraiser once. We were trying to raise money to buy one of those machines that shows how much money has been raised. I smoke cigars occasionally. I don't know a lot about cigars. Like if I'm at a cigar store, the guy behind the counter says, "What kind of cigars do you like?" "Uhhh... Itsaboys." See, I'm a dreamer, man. And when I was a cook I'd always work with people who weren't dreamers. Like, I was cooking at this restaurant and I put a hot dog on the grill and my kitchen manager came over, and he said, "Mitch, put the hot dog up here, in the right hand corner of the grill, so in case you get a whole bunch of orders at once you have all this space available." See, that's how I knew he wasn't a dreamer, 'cause the day I give up my dreams is the day I have strategic grill locations. A dreamer has a philosophy: the entire grill is hot. That would be cool if the Earth's crust was made out of graham cracker. It would disappear just like the ozone layer, but for completely different reasons. Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and
the top of my head ain't funny! I remixed a remix, it was back to normal. I hate spelling words with double letters, because I never know when I'm suppossedd to stutter on purpose. If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work. I drove by a company that sold manufactured homes. But these were reposessed manufactured homes. I would not want to be a manufactured home repo man. Those would be hard to sneak away. *Knock knock knock* "Hi, could you go cut your grass? Then look that way for a half an hour?" If you boat a lot you are known as a boating enthusiast. I like to boat, but I just don't ever want to be referred to as a boating enthusiast. I hope they call me 'a guy that likes to boat'. I walked by a spy shop; you know those places that sell surveillance equipment. Every time I walk by a spy shop I think I need to put some surveillance on somebody. Ricks been acting fishy. I need to buy a little camera. I need to buy a safe that looks like a Coca-Cola can. Or better yet, a safe that looks like a Spray and Wash can; that would create better situations. Hey Mitch, can I use the Spray and Wash? Yeah, if you want to spray your shirt with documents! I like the American-Canadian border because if you're walkin' along the border with your friend and you push your friend into Canada, he can't push you back right away, because first he has to go through customs. 'What brings you to Canada?' 'That @$$hole.' 'When are you leaving?' 'When I regain my equilibrium.' If something is 1.0, you don't need to say, 'point oh.' It would be cool if you lived with a monster. You would never get hiccups. I like the way this [venue] is situated. It seems like you were chasing me, closing in, and then said, "F*** it. Let's sit down." There's this headliner says I gotta do 45 minutes of comedy. That's a sitcom and a haaaaalf! For Christ's sake. I never seen a show and said, "I wanna see that character for fifteen more minutes." So I know you're sick of me, and I'm sick of myself. It's a long time to stand up here and say, "Listen to me, f*** haha! Don't talk or you'll get kicked the f*** out!" "I always wanted to rob a bank with a BB gun. 'Give me the money or i will give you a dimple! I will be rich you will be cute!" You should never compliment someone on their dimple, because what if they got shot in the face with a BB gun?