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February 3rd, 2012 Volume 5, Issue 5 pittifulnews.com

Winning
WILLS BUTLER Senior Editor
Well thats that folks. Its been a good run, but it looks like it is time for us to say goodbye! Every week we have given you quality news, educating and entertaining you with our quality journalism. And weve truly loved every minute of it. Last Tuesday we went down to the SGB meeting and after bullshitting them a little bit it looks like we will indeed be moving on to Newsprint! But only once a month, calm down now. How will you recognize our paper? How will you live without weekly updates? How will you know where to find us? How will you form opinions or pick up ladies? Fear not, gentile reader, I have your answers, and more! The last Friday of every month, we will be in Towers Lobby handing out our fantastic paper to all of you; if it says Pittiful News at the top, you know youre at the right place. If you need your fix a bit more frequently, check us on the interwebs! Top
(Continued on page 5; WIN)

Is anyone even surprised anymore? WILLS BUTLER -STAFF CAPTIONEER

Shaun White Wins at Snowboarding

WILLS BUTLER - senior writer
Well, there you have it folks, if you ever wanted to pick up a snowboard at any point in time, you missed out, because this past weekend Shaun White finished the sport. Thats right, game over, sorry for the inconvenience. Maybe I should clarify. Just to put some things in perspective, Shaun was born with a terrible heart disease that required two open heart surgeries before the age of one. His chances of living at all were not super high, so I guess in hindsight it makes perfect sense that he has been trying to play lifes lottery Shaun White was born ever since. in San Diego back in 1986. Eye-witness reports claim By age 7, he had his that he did indeed surf out first corporate sponsorship. the womb, and from that At age nine, he befriended day forward he devoted his a man named Tony Godlife to being disarmingly damn Hawk, who personalhandsome, having the best ly tutored him in the art of hair, and of course domi- skateboarding. He did let nating at any sport unfortu- himself down slightly when nate enough to have - he decided only to go pro in snowboarding and skateboard in its title. boarding, leaving surfing solely for leisure. Heading into the 2002 Winter X games (at age 16) he had a reasonable showing, grabbing two Silver Medals, but it was clear that he wanted more. 2003 rolls around, and White finally gets his ass in gear, obtaining two gold medals in the X games. One gold in 2004, another in 2005 (plus a regular X games silver for skateboarding), and that takes us to 2006. 2006 is when Shaun white sits down and says, yes I am the best, but could
(Continued on page 2, SNOW)

IN THIS ISSUE page 2 police blotter page 3 weather horoscope page 4 word on the street page 5 politics, not boners page 6 letters to editor news bytes

Send us writings: pittifulnews@gmail.com Find us on the web at: www.pittifulnews.com

the pittiful news I be better? Conclusion: Olympic Gold - 2 X games Golds (Skateboarding) Medal for Snowboarding. Two Gold med- A Gold from the TTR World Snowboard als at the winter X games. And he was just Tour getting started. - And finally a Gold from the SnowboardNext year: two Dew tour Gold meding Grand Prix. als, A Gold for skateboarding (X games), a Gold in the TTR World Snowboard Keep in mind; these are only his gold Tour, and a Silver and Bronze pair for medals. I didnt want to clog this paper snowboarding again. with all of his medals. That would be silly! 2008, however, is when Shaun White really decided to cut loose. He started his What would also be silly would be to five year Gold Streak in the Winter X name all his unique accomplishments: games Superpipe, he released a video- First to win back-to-back Golds at the game, picked up four assorted Gold medals elsewhere, and generally made other Winter X games people look bad. - First to win three (and four, and five) in a row as well. In total, Shaun White possesses: - He remains the only skater to land the frontside heelflip 540 body varial. (The - 6 Winter Dew Tour Golds (Slopestyle/ Armadillo). Superpipe) - He holds the Winter Olympics Record - 3 Dew Tour Golds (Skateboarding) for highest score on mens halfpipe with a 48.4/50 - A whopping twelve Gold medals from the Winter X games (Slopestyle/ But Wills, you might ask, I know that Superpipe) as the Senior Sports Correspondent and - Two Olympic Golds (Halfpipe)

february 3rd, 2012 Generally-Awesome-Guy, you speak and I obey, but why oh why is snowboarding over? Let me tell you. Last weekend, like I said, Shaun White won Gold at the Winter X Games. No surprises! He won it on his first run, scoring higher than anyone else would for the rest of the day with a 94. No surprises! The surprise was his victory run. Traditionally, one simply rides down the pipe, or does a few cute jumps just for fun. Not White. He kicked it to the limit, performing a stunning run including a Double McTwist 1260 (He is one of two people in the world who can do it), and finally unveiling the Frontside Double Cork 1260, which has never been performed successfully in competition before. He invented a new trick and did it in the middle of a competition he already won. Not only that, but he fell on his second run trying to do that same trick. After the fall, you think a normal person would just say, Oh well, victory lap time. Especially if that person had an injured ankle. And let me stress again that he had already won.

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
WILLS BUTLER Soon-to-be-single Jokester

Pitt Police Blotter: Serious Business

KELSEY HENKE editor-in-chief Friday, January 27 11:56 p.m. An individual complained of a noise violation after listening to her neighbors terrible singing of Justin Biebers music for over an hour. Police found the source of the noise to be an actual CD and assured the neighbor that his music is just that bad. 4:47 p.m. Police received a report of a burglary at 1108 Bates. Homeowners reports that intruder stole 30+ left socks.

11:49 p.m. Police respond to a report that an individual is too intoxicated to operate his keys to enter his home. Those responders watch while he continues to try because it is pretty funny. Saturday, January 28

An investigation found that the object in question was actually just a really neat ornate vase that just happened to smell like drugs and to contain no flowers. 4:47 p.m. Police received a report of a stolen zebra-sheep-shark-hybrid. An investigation is pending. 5:23 a.m. Police are informed by a resident of 409 Oakland Ave. that an intruder has moved all the items in his apartment 5 inches to the left. 3:01 p.m. Police arrest a Marsha Dower of 324 Atwood Street, Pittsburgh, PA for giving people mean looks. She was later cleared of these charges when an investigation revealed thats just how her face is.

10:11 a.m. Police received a report of possible paraphernalia in Towers B. Sunday, January 29

Whats so bad about Pigs anyway?

the pittiful news W E E KLY F OR C AST

february 3rd, 2012

Serious weather. Always. friday saturday sunday monday tuesday

SAMANTHA PROCTOR - staff psychic

Weekly Horoscope
Aries
March 21 - April 18

Youre a sassy lady; dont be surprised this weekend if Mr. Right finds your drunken party girl demeanor, well, a bit demeaning. But dont listen to him, or your friends who keep telling you to slow down on your drinking and to get your shit together! Who needs people like that?! Plus, after Mr. Right leaves the bathroom from taking care of your pathetic puking self for 20 minutes, youll stumble into romance (literally, ya drunken whore) with Mr. Drug-Addict!

Taurus
April 20 - May 20 Communication problems are predicted for you, Taurus, as the average-length weekend rolls around. Earths movement through the House of Craisins is heavily affecting your perception, as are the heavy drugs youve been getting into. When your friend asks you to stop drinking that gallon of PCP and to go take a nice walk through the park, odds are youll be too high to know what theyre talking about. Try sitting down with your friend and telling them whats on your mind, even if its just that youve got crazy spiders crawling all over your spleen which are rapidly expanding and consuming said friends head.

As Uranus passes through the house of Live Nude Girls, expect some unfaMay 21 - June 20 vorable health issues to plague you. Love Trouble is brewing is not in your cards this weekend as its in your romantic life this just you, the TV, and your genital herpes. weekend. When you told your boyfriend Get well soon! Greg that he had an unsatisfying penis Libra this past week, you clearly were not prepared for the reaction you received. His September 23 - October affair with that slut Janice at his office is 22 likely to spin off into a full-blown relaYoure an idiot. You tionship after you two split up this weekhave so much homework and studying to end. Side note: if anything you value is do and yet you waste your time online flammable, I would take it before the shopping. If youre unwise, you will end break up. up broke and kicked out of college. Also, get a job, you deadbeat slacker! On a Cancer more positive note, a very cute guy/girl June 21 - July 22 (who is also smart, funny, interesting, Its been a long likes indie-music, wears cool clothes, is really nice but not too nice, and preferaweek. Sleep it off. bly Jewish) will start showing interest in you. Odds are this will turn into a serious Leo relationship, in which you will both feel July 23 - August 22 very happy and secure. Conversation will We all know you have never run dry and the sex is great. Also, great ambition, Leo; this expect to become senior staff writer weekend youll turn your ambition into soon. rambition! Rambition alludes to the new Scorpio film project you will soon feel the need to start, your very own interpretive dance October 23 - Novemchoreographed to the soundtrack of the ber 21 famous movie Rambo! A bit apprehenAfter your girlsive? Whats the matter, Mitch, you friend called you out dont like water sports?! on having a small penis, you are experiencing exciting new changes in your love life! Nice-girl Janice from the office has Virgo shown interest in you, and you will find August 23 - September 22 it hard to resist her skanky skirts. This

Gemini

the pittiful news

february 3rd, 2012

could really prove to be a promising rela- If somebodys a hustler, you could- you tionship and ideal form of retaliation! could fuck wit said-person, homey. They Aquarius spend a couple of bucks, you stay in touch Sagittarius with them, homey. You get money, you January 20 - FebruNovember 22 - Decem- get 20 a K, you got 20 strips all doin 20 a ary 18 day ay! You get cake from buds and ber 21 Every exit is an entrance to new exhaze: youre makin dubs. Other people Something average are hating cause youre on the grind, like periences. and mundane will happen youre making love with cops, got the Lucky Numbers: 3, 13, 29, 2006, pi to you, and probably to a lot of other peo- block hot like Jamaican clubs, cop weight, ple, in a usual place. This may or may not wait for a drought, and then you make it have a large impact on your life. Said flood try to take your cake, they gonna Pisces event could pertain to your love life, work take a slug. life, friendship realm, and/or anything else February 19 - March But they can take your information if they for that matter. 20 taking drugs, cause you could sell Raid If you are a colto a bug. Youre a hustler; you can sell lege student, you are salt to a slug! Capricorn likely to go out and get smashed, and possibly bang a frat boy/ December 22 - January Youre a hustler, youre a youre a hus- girl who is a lot less attractive when 19 youre sober. Also, keep your eyes open tler homey Youre a hustler, youre a hustler, for new opportunities in the workplace. homey. You got the product, narcotics for Youre a hustler, youre a youre a husYou never know when something might customers, homey. Fiends open, they be tler homey pop up! smoking like a muffler, homey. Brothas Brotha ask about you, homey Brotha ask .Janet. phony so you only got a couple of homies. about you.

Word on the Street: What is your opinion on Black History Month?

I think that its a start, but really we shouldnt try to have all our remembrance fall in one month. The civil rights struggle took years, and certainly shouldnt be forgotten 11 months of the year - GLENN BECK (Pic Unrelated)

I think that its a.wait what did he just say? Did Glenn The Racist Beck just steal my goddamn quote? I won a Nobel Peace Prize you ass-hat, you just ramble in your little radio shack. You know what? Fine. Take the damn quote. Im gonna go and, oh, I dont know, BE THE PRESIDENT, BITCH. - BARRACK OBAMA (Pic Related)

Lol, I could have stopped slavery at any time, but let it continue for hundreds of years carried out under my name. But hey, my people were slaves first lololol, FIRST! - JESUS H. CHRIST

the pittiful news

february 3rd, 2012

Report: Boehners Name Not Actually Pronounced Like That

JOHN MEYER Staff Writer A disturbing new report suggests that Speaker of the House John Boehners name may actually be pronounced \BAY-ner\. The report, which was released last Monday by Dr. Linda Johnson, a professor of linguistics at the University of Pittsburgh, traces the phonetics and historical pronunciation of the oe diphthong to its earliest roots in the German language. The 127-page documents principal claim is that the late 18th century pronunciation of the surname Schroeder could have contained the \ay\ sound that Boehners family has taken onhence legitimizing what Johnson calls the Bayner construction. The resurfacing of the pronunciation question, which has been a matter of immense controversy since Boehner was first elected to the House in 1991, is already causing frustration for the Ohio representative. Are you seriously asking about this again? replied a visibly flustered Boehner during a press conference on Wednesday. Its Bayner, damn it. Not that other way. While most Americans were flabbergasted at the reports claims, some local teachers were relieved. Quite honestly, Ive been avoiding teaching government since Boehner has become Speaker of the House, said Phil Materazzi, a history teacher at James K. Polk High School. I mean, its not like I was about to write Boehner on the board. The kids would sound it out the same way we all do and then Id be screwed. Hopefully this new report

The reason most people continue to say Bayner in everyday conversation, Muller believes, is that it is less embarrassing than the more logical alternative. In reading, however, Muller suspects that most of the population hears the n a me pr o nounced as boner. With the American public opinion remaining largely unchanged, it seems that the case of Boehners name is far from closing. Just because something is widely accepted in the academic world doesnt mean that it will be accepted anywhere else, explained Dr. Johnson. People will see the word Boehner, and theyll continue to pronounce it the same way they have been. Honestly, I cant blame them; hell, Im about to start calling him boner, too.

changes things, though. Despite the support from both the academic world and Boehner himself, many are still dubious of the allegedly correct pronunciation. A recent survey conducted by the sociologist Rhonda Muller indicates that 98% of Americans do not believe that the Bayner construction is accurate. Oddly enough, however, only 3% of those surveyed expressed that they employ the more edgy boner pronunciation on a regular basis.

Winning
Continued from page 1 right corner of the paper, you cant miss it! If you need to form an opinion, or pick up a lady for that matter, just do what I do: Step 1Be Handsome Step 2Be Interesting Step 3Be Intelligent Step 4Ooze Sexual Energy If all the above fails, I have a simple yet effective cure for that as well. Join us. Pittiful News staff are on average more

handsome, interesting, smart and sexy than anyone else, excluding perhaps the members of Student Government Board. If you like to write, if you want to be cool, funny, awesome, and attractive, then I heartily suggest you join us here at the Pittiful News. We are certainly looking to add more staff members, and for a limited time we are accepting applications for Party Supervisor, Poker Dealer, Keg Pumper, and Office Eye Candy. We meet every Monday at 8:30 PM in the SORC Annex. Join us, or write to the editor explaining why not.

6 Continued from page #1, SNOW

the pittiful news

february 3rd, 2012

Letters to the Sexy Editor

WILLS BUTLER Sexy Senior Editor Now that were finally moving to Newsprint, Im going to put on some gloves, cover my mouth with a kerchief, and deign to read some reader mail. First, however, I would recommend you send some. Until then, some (presumably) Frequently Asked Questions! - Ed
Hey guys, just wondering if you were aware that the recurring character WASP Man was not only a racist caricature of us pleasant Caucasian folk, but also seems to clearly be your senior Editor, Wills. Just throwing that out there. -Jamal Nantambu I think you might be making the elementary mistake of confusing Wasp man, our freedom loving Pittsburgh hero who slightly resembles a Wasp, although certainly not in temperament, with W.A.S.P. Man, the KKKs slightly offputting mascot anti-hero. One supports good wholesome American values and is frankly handsome and awesome, and one is an Anglo Saxon Protestant whose veiled racism is slightly off-putting! Readers, please keep in mind that here at the Pittiful News we support Black History Month in full. Wasp Man totally has Black friends too, so accusing them off being one and the same is just silly! Finally, I want to go on record as stating that I am totally probably not Wasp Man. For reals guys. Ed

I wish you were DSL so I could get high-speed access

ALEX SEMIDEI Pick-up Artist Extraordinaire

W O R D S TO I M P R E S S T H E L A D I E S

Introducing our newest team member, Alice! She draws funny comics. Love her. WILLS BULTER - CAPTAIN CAPTION

NEWS BYTES
With KELSEY HENKE

JOIN THE CLUB meetings monday 8:31pm william pitt union room 510
CONTRIBUTING STAFF
Kelsey Henke Wills Butler Editor-In-Chief Senior Writer Senior Editor Staff Caption Writer Samantha Proctor SeniorWriter Staff Psychic John Lee Alice Haas John Meyer Alex Semidei Content Editor Comic Artist Staff Writer Senior Contributor

Announcement of Pittiful News Recent SGB Funding Leads Students Saying What is the Pittiful News?
Tuesday, January 31, the Pittiful News was approved for a grant to publish a monthly paper on newsprint. Later that night the clubs members announced the step towards legitimacy on their respective social network mediums. This prompted a number of responses from friends ranging from What are you talking about to Pitt has a satire paper? Mothers everywhere, however, remain proud of us.

Keep those letters and emails coming! Send all your pointless thoughts to us at <pittifulnews@gmail.com> with the Subject Letters to the Editor. I look forward to hearing from you!

A special thanks to Darlene, Jackie & Jim Henke, Juanita and Darrell McEntire, Rosie from the SORC annex, Caroline Repola, Seth York and the members of SGB for their readership and support, without which the move to newsprint would have only been a pie in the sky. Kelsey

SEND US YOUR TASTY STORIES: pittifulnews@gmail.com