WHEN LIFE HANDS YOU LEMONS... THROW THEM AT PEOPLE!

A Book About Growing Up, Screwing Up, and Moving Up with Just an Ounce of Maturity

By

zack gonzalez
A Zack G. Comedy Productions Book

Copyright 2012 by Zack Gonzalez All rights reserved. Except as permitted under the U.S. Copyright Act of 1976, no part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form by any means, or stored in a database or retrieval system, without the prior written permission of the author. The stories in this book are told to the best of the authors memory. For protection purposes, names, dates, events, and descriptive characteristics and details may have been changed, altered, reordered, and/or compressed. Any resulting resemblance to any persons living or dead is simply coincidental and unintentional. Reader discretion is advised. 1st paperback edition produced through Lulu Enterprises, Inc www.lulu.com The publisher and the author are not responsible for websites (or their content) that are not owned by the publisher or the author. A Zack G. Comedy Productions Book Printed in the United States of America
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Gonzalez, Zack. When life hands you lemons throw them at people / Zack Gonzalez.1st ed. p. cm. ISBN: 978-1-105-35903-3 (pbck.) eBook ISBN: 1. Male comediansUnited StatesBiography. 2. American wit and humor 3. LifeHumor I. Title

This book is dedicated to my ass. Mainly because not a day goes by without at least one person telling me how smart it is.

(And to my amazingly supportive family that frequently falls victim to my often volatile personality. This book is your fault. You all provide me with pure enjoyment on a daily basis, and to that, I salute you... with a lemon to the face!)

Word of the day: sympathetic. Thats a big word.

SNOOKI, a New York Times best-selling author

ABOUT THIS BOOK:

When life has handed him way too many ridiculous absurdities, the smart-mouthed and quick-witted Zack decides that lifes lemons arent bestowed for selfish affairs such as making lemonade. In a wild concoction of hilariously brash narratives, Zack recounts all of his lifes most erratic moments, shaping the character he is today. Whether its trying to convince his principal that the reason his hair is orange is because his mother made him color it, arguing with his greatgrandmother over whether shes taking a shot of gin or just drinking her medicine, or being voted the teams least valuable player, Zack really knows how to take lifes lemons... and chuck them in the other direction, for the sake of his sanity; and sometimes at the cost of others. Welcome to very unique life of

Zack...

Praise for this book:

Zacks self-deprecating sense of humor shines in his witty stories about everyday life. A fun and relatable read. -Jenny McCarthy Comedian, Actress, Best-Selling Author Zacks snarky, twisted, smart-assed, teenaged view of the world and those around him is laugh-out-loud funny. -Zacks Cougar Girlfriend From the Foreword

THE FOREWORD TO THE FOREWORD

by Zack

The Foreword is the part of the book where an author asks someone special to sit down and come up with reasons you, the reader, should buy this book, along with doing as much ass-kissing possible. So when it came time for me to pick someone to write the Foreword, it got a little tricky. I thought and thought and thought until finally, I hurt myself. After a while, I thought I should follow in the steps of Sarah Silverman and write the Foreword myself (which is kind of what Im already doing) because I have so many people that have come in and out of my life, that there really isnt one person I could ask thats been consecutively by my side through it all. Well, except my mom, but how embarrassing would that be. So instead I

decided to call up everyone whos ever fallen prey to one of my ever-so brilliant schemes and give them a chance to write this Foreword. So get ready, because they have a lot to say!

FOREWORD
by Anyone Who Has Something to Say About Zack

I met Zack in high school, and to be completely honest, I didnt know who he was until our junior year in English class. Thats where I really began to talk to him and befriend him, and let me tell you, before you enter a friendship with him know this, he is the most sarcastic person you will ever meet! I mean seriously, I wonder if a minute goes by when he doesnt try to make you feel like an idiot! The funniest part is that its that sarcasm that makes Zack unique. Later in this book, youll read that everyone at our high school applauded when he announced that he would not return for his senior year, and although that is mostly true, I never had a problem with Zack. If anything, I enjoyed that he sassed everyone, it made my day that much funnier and that much more enjoyable. I guess I should end this before it gets too long (pun intended).

So Ill say this, thank you Zack, thank you for all the laughs, and most of all, thank you for putting me in your book! Someone Zack Went to High School With My brother is a sick person! I dont know if a day goes by when he (one) doesnt try to scare me, or (two) doesnt call me a little baby. He can especially be annoying at five-in-the-morning when texting me to wake up for no real reason other than to wake up because he knows I enjoy sleeping in. When I make a video for his website and it gets a lot of views, he says he made it funny by putting it together and editing it, but we all know I made it funny. When we make videos for his books, it always turns out to be a competition between who gets the most views. (Im obviously the winner, but he wont admit it.) But despite all the mean things he does to people, he is funny. And to tell you the truth, I hope, and I mean I hope, he is seen as a funny comedian. Zacks Brother, Shawn There are people you meet and just know instantly that they are someone very special. Zack is one of those people. Hes gifted with a great sense of humor and a generous spirit. I knew just a little about Zacks childhood before reading this book. Through it, I learned that he has had to overcome some pretty serious issues in his young

lifea broken family, feeling left out, insecurities, body image problems and a younger sibling with intense needs. While Zack very lightly touches on the emotional journey of his life, its clear that the personal struggles hes faced have had a strong influence on the young man he has become. Zack's snarky, twisted, smart-assed, teenaged view of the world and those around him is laugh-out-loud funny. But this kid has great inner strengthso if you see him around town holding a lemon, RUN! Zacks Cougar Girlfriend, Wendy

CONTENTS
The Foreword to the Foreword / Foreword ....ix Introduction!..................................................2 Zig Zagging My Way to Heaven!..................5

zack

Introduction

My name is Zack. (And yes, I know I look like a lesbian.) My names plain and simple; and spelled with a K, so get it right. I live a pretty eccentric life. At times its hectic, at others its unpredictable, and sometimes it can be pretty damn depressing. But luckily I was blessed with a sick sense of humor to keep myself from jumping out the window of a multi-floored building. I have not spent my days like most teenagers have. Most teenagers are out dry-humping each other leading to

When Life Hands You Lemons... Throw Them At People!

unexpected pregnancies, babies, and other responsibilities that I do not want to see any time soon. Including marriage. Dont believe me? Turn on MTV. Theyve decided to make television-gold out of it. Its a show they call Teen Momwith dads that no nothing about real commitment and the moms that beat them; and then go to rehab. My great-grandma Tammy likes to share her words of wisdom with me on occasion in hopes of keeping me from ending up on a show like that. I wish I could say that she was witty enough to have come up with them on her own, but theyre just a lot of one-liners that she incorrectly scribbled down on scraps of paper after seeing them on one of her pirated DVDs. She once made me a little booklet of all these quotes. She told me to hold on to it and never lose it. (I havent seen it in about two years.) One of the quotes is the ever-so-common lemons quote: WHEN LIFE HANDS YOU LEMONS, MAKE LEMONADE. Tammy told me to not only produce lemonade, but to manufacture smoothies, and lemon-drop candies, and lemon meringue pie. I decided that stuffing my fat face with lemon-flavored pastries was not the way to go.

zack

Why be selfish and make lemonade, when I can have fun with the lemons and throw them at all the jackasses Life has crudely thrust in my adventures of what old people like to refer to as growing up.

When Life Hands You Lemons... Throw Them At People!

CHAPTER 1

Zig Zagging My Way to Heaven

When Life Hands You Lemons, Seek Out Jesus Christ!

JUNE 15, 1993 was the day my mother popped out the greatest gift to this planet: ME! Now, dont think that because I write that, Im a narcissistic brat. Im much more than that. I also happen have a very intelligent buttocks. Or so Im told. I like to categorize myself as the epitome of everything you would expect a teenager to be in every possible way. However, I am also a clear

zack

personification of what teenagers can accomplish, given the right motivation. Or, as in my case, the lack of motivation. Dont get me wrong, my family is an excellent support team and always has been. However, them getting me motivated enough to do something was the exact opposite. Ive pretty much always been the one to call the shots in my life. And with every shot I made, my family was always there cheering me on while running from the bullets I was firing off. I was a baby on a mission. Since the day I was born, God said Youre going to bring laughter to this world. And man was God right. Right? I mean, you bought this book because you want to laugh, not because you care about my absurdly ridiculous life. Anyway, I thought this book would be great if I started it off with the time I found Jesus Christ in my backyard. Yep, the Son of God, Himself. If Im going to let Him star in this book, he should at least get the only part of it youre likely to read. My grandfather (who I will name Grandpa Church) convinced me there was buried treasure hidden in my backyard. We would always go outside and look for this rumored treasure. Id grab my toilet paper roll telescope and hed grab a beer and wed set off on yet another garden voyage. I wish I could say we actually found something worth the big bucks, but all I ever found were treasonable

When Life Hands You Lemons... Throw Them At People!

tiny blue rocks that I thought were magical and rare enough to only be hidden within the setting of my backyard. Turns out they were from a fish tank and the reason they were hidden all over the yard was due to the fact that my father set my auntie Jennas car on fire and all the rocks were blown around. Sometimes, however, Grandpa Church would buy fake jewels and spread them around the yard. I, however, was too fascinated by the shiny Budweiser beer bottle caps. They just seemed more treasonable to me. One morning, I decided to take my little three-year-old butt outside and I was determined to find gold. Or maybe even a valuable pog that I could trade with the street kids, who I referred to as street rats; a term I discovered while watching Disneys Aladdin. My grandpa thought itd be funny to have me call everyone a street rat. Even my mother. But this time, I found something even more prominent. It was a keepsake that I was certain would save me for the rest of my life. I grabbed it, crunched into my little hand, and scurried inside. I ran in the backdoor and into the kitchen to find my grandma making dinner. She was cooking her ever-so-famous weenies-andpotatoes dish. Its nothing fancy. But Id be lying if I said it wasnt our favorite dish of hers. Even to this day.

zack

Whod have thought that something so simple would be so satisfying. What do you have there, my grandma asked as she gave her red locks an extra boost of Suave hairspray, while bumping to Earth, Wind, and Fire. A pictchur-r, I replied innocently. A picture? Of what, my little darling? Jesus, I said. Jesus? Really? Let me see it. Here Gramma Red, I muttered. Her eyes widened bigger than her hair as she unscrambled the wrapper to find that Jesus Christ was actually the Zig Zag man. Growing up Catholic, I was taught to always treasure Jesus because He died on the cross for our sins. And leaving the picture outside might make baby Jesus cry. On my first day of first grade, I brought a Star Wars folder to class and my teacher was horrified. No, no, no, Zachary. You cannot bring this to school. You see, this folder, it its going to make baby Jesus cry, she said as she pointed toward the ceiling. She must have been smoking something because to this day I have not been able to find baby Jesus up there. I looked at her blank-faced. Baby Jesus died. She looked as if she was ready to pass out. What? Did no one tell her Jesus grew up and is no longer alive?

When Life Hands You Lemons... Throw Them At People!

Someone needs to go to Confession for not reading her bible. Peter-r-r-r, Grandma Red yelled, calling my young father. What, Ma? Why does your son have this?! Where did he get it from? Thats not mine, Ma. Thats the neighbors. Theyre always smoking out back in their yard. Theyre Asian. What do ya expect? Your son thought he found a picture of Jesus. Why was Grandma Red yelling about my picture of Jesus, I thought. Maybe we were going Jewish. I was always a very independent child. At age five I would call up Grandma Red and be like, Okay, Grandma, youre gonna pick me up no later than eleven on Saturday, then we need to hit the mall because I have a lot of Christmas shopping to still get done. Then we can go to the movies. Final Destination is out and I need you to take me because its rated R and I cant get in to a rated-R movie without an adult. Then we can order pizza and watch Courage the Cowardly Dog all night. Theres a marathon. To which shed usually follow up with a, Okay, my little darling. See you then!

zack

They just listened to me. And when they didnt, like Grandpa Healthy, then wed go full force into World War III. And you dont wanna challenge me in an argument. Im alway right. I think Grandpa Healthy is where I get my stubborn, assertive, Im-the-boss attitude. Which, technically, is a very important attribute. I mean, if you can argue your way out of anything, then, like me, youll never be in trouble. Orlike meyoull always end up getting yourself in to some sort of trouble; to which Ill usually talk my way to innocence. Its called being a Boss. With a capital B. I mean, just look at Jesus. Hes a Boss. Everybody listened to Him. They still do. You go, Jesus!

10

When Life Hands You Lemons... Throw Them At People!

Im off to find me some buried treasure! Thats Grandma Red in the back, and me in the middle.

11

MORE FROM ZACK

Also available for Amazon Kindle

I know that there are things that have never been funny, and never will be. And I know that ridicule may be a shield, but it is not a weapon.

- Dorothy Parker

When Life Hands You Lemons. . . Throw Them At People! written by zack

ON SALE JULY 24, 2012!

For updates and exclusive First Looks visit:
www.justplainzack.com

OR
http://www.LifesSourLemons.tumblr.com