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The Hasmonean High School Annual purim embarrassment

For the first time ever, without using the font to inspire laughter.

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8th March 2012

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in g

Classifieds

Purim Torah
Dvar Torah

Because we know how to have a good time

Issue: Yes, we do have issues. Purim In: About now. Purim Out: Gosh, that was quick.

Real Dvar Torah...sort of.

Hard as it is to tell from the sheet of paper which is infront of you now, the editorial team actually sat down to discuss the Purim Living Torah many months before it was written. Whilst it was not an intense Apprenticeesque meeting in which everything got done within a short space of time, we did have agendas (in the non political sense of the word), T-Shirts bearing our logo, and most importantly, croissants. We spent the majority of the session oohing and ahhhing at previous Living Torah Purim editions and despairing at the lack of material left in the store cupboard (realistically a small glove-box) of Living Torah humour. Anyway, as Purim rapidly approached, we began inputting the material you see today on the material you hold today. To pad out the rather sparse expanse of blank whiteness* which glared out at the gathered editorial team huddled around a battered computer in a freezing cold Living Torah HQ, we decided to put some real Torah on the front page. So here goes Rav Yosef Chaim Sonnenfeld gives a remarkable insight here. He writes that Haman had a cunning plan. He would ask Achashveirosh for permission to kill off the Jews, but at the same time he would give Achashveirosh money so it would look like Haman was paying Achashveirosh for this right. When the various ethnic groups would see that Haman has paid Achashveirosh for the right to kill off a sect of society, theyd all get extremely worried; what if someone comes up with enough money to persuade the king to have us killed next? theyd think. The outcome would be that there would be a rebellion and Achashveirosh would be overthrown, with the convenient consequence of Haman becoming the new king. In other words, the money was part of Hamans plan to overthrow Achashveirosh - ultimately something that Achashveirosh did not fall for. And, Esther, having realised that this was Hamans intention via the money all along, does not forget to drop this into her claims against Haman to the king when she is pleading for her life for my people have been sold. *This was what this Living Torah looked like before we There we go then, the beginwrote anything on it. ning of this years Purim Living Torah. I would like to thank all our readers for their ongoing support and communication. We really do try One of the things which seems to make an insignifi- our hardest to bring you the perfect balance of quality cant appearance in the Megillah is that of a sum of Divrei Torah every week! money. Haman is constantly stressing the fact that he Lastly, whilst you might imagine that there are no long wants to give the king money to have the Jews killed, term effects inflicted upon the editorial team, we can whilst Achashveirosh refuses such an offer. Why is the assure you that the Home for life challenged exmoney such an important part of the story that the Editors of the Living Torah is rapidly filling up. If anyone would like to shpiel in support of this worthy Megillah sees it fit to tell us about it? cause, we would recommend a medical examination.

Business Opportunity: Let us know which you prefer!

200 Hasmonean Beis Boys + 1 less than substantial breakfast = Large cash-flow in the Brent Street area every morning. Bakeries and soft drink stores do depressingly well.

All mistakes are intentional, except the ones we didn't spot.

This is the back page not the front! The front page is round the back...

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Editors :

ShmuliLebrett Avraham Grant Micha Margulies Yossi Athersych MikeyPrager

To avoid Machlokus, we decided to print all the editors names on an equal level. This practice will continue until one of us wins the on-going rock-paper -scissors war. The last three battles have resulted in an undesirable mess on the carpet of the Living Torah HQ.

Director:

...Implies that we have a sense of direction. Our regular readers will attest to our lack of direction in both the literal and metaphorical sense of the word. (We had to put a funny font in somewhere TRADITION!)

HEPATICOCHOLANGIOCHOLECYSTENTEROSTOMIES

SUPERCALIFRAGILISTICEXPIALIDOCIOUS

The real purim story

And it was in the days of Achashverosh, and Mordechai, and Esther, and that chap with the edible ears, and all of the other characters of the Purim story. Well of course it was in their days! You couldn't very well have had the story without the main characters, could you? I mean imagine Harry Potter, without all the Wizards and magic. Wouldn't really work. (Though it would be a lot shorter, which many would call an improvement.) In fact, rumour has it that Jakey Rolling wrote the original book omitting all magic, but found it hard to explain the existence of dragons, and how cleaning implements could be induced to fly. At this stage, she added in the previously missing theme, and, well the rest is History... of Magic pages 456-613. stage to tumultuous (or something pretty similar, and if there is no such word, I'd settle for 'big' again) applause.

Can you candle it?!

The Mishnayos of Bmah Madlikin which we say on Friday night discuss whether a wide variety of oils, waxes and fuels are eligible to light Shabbos candles with. During these passages, we say "Ain madliking bechaylav nachum". The question is asked as to what Nachum did which consequence in the disqualification of his brand of candles. What action warrants this punishment? The answer can be found in the opening verses of Parshas Beshalach. "Vayehi beshalach Paroh es ho'om vloh nochom." This is translated as, And it was when Pharaoh sent the people but not Nochum. Again we can ask as to why Nochum was penalised. Why over here was he not sent out of Egypt?
Whilst many people seem to have taken upon themselves extras chumros when it comes to the mitzvah of mishteh, there is one element of Purim which often gets overlooked. The humble ratchet, or gragger as we so lovingly call it, is for many people what marks the months leading up to this holy day as special. However, do we know the halachos associated with this vital part of the day?

We now come to the real hero of the whole story. Much is said of Esther's bravery, of Mordechai's trust, and of HeyMan's edible ears. However, little thought is spared for the one character without whom Mordechai's jubilant procession could never have worked- the Horse. It was a long parade, with everyone all dressedup in their heaviest, finest royal clothes, and yet, without so much as a groan or a grumble, this noble steed (who was of course the inspiration for the character of Horse in Shrek, as far as I recall...) walked for miles and miles upon end. Until, at long last, he came to a bar. So Anyway, what kind of sentence structure is 'And it basically, this horse went into the bar, and the bored was'?! In primary school my teachers taught me never spectator asked me, "Which of the lame punchlines are to start with 'and'. It's a terribly bad example that the you planning to use this time?!" author is setting. Still, I guess a Novi has to have some perks, and if they weren't allowed to break a few gram- But I digress, where was I...? Oh that's right the Horse matical rules, no one would want the job, would they? never actually went to the Pub (he had got Barred!). However, when he got to the palace, imagine his surWell, back to the story. There was a big meal. And when prise when Queen Esther greeted him with a kiss! And I say big, I'm talking really really, very big. For example, as we all know, the horse turned into a handsome imagine a small meal. Well this was nothing like that. prince. Unfortunately, he thought Esther was hideous, Yeah- that big! So, I can't quite remember the details, and turned and ran, meaning that it was up to Hashem but for some reason Hashem wasn't in favour of this to save us once again. And this is, of course, the real big meal. Rumour has it that He wasn't invited, or significance of alcohol on Purim, for even to this day, something, but as I say, I'm not quite sure. Still, Hashem once a year we commemorate the fact that the decided to give the chap with edible ears, K. Keer (read Horse never did get served at the bar, and could even it out loud- it makes sense!) or as most know him, Hey- now still be waiting for a drink. Man, power to plot and plan. So HeyMan plotted, and his equally evil wife planned, they added it together, Well, I have almost run out of words, and probably run divided by two, and hey presto, the stage was set for out of jokes, (and you have definitely run out of pabig problems for the Jews. And when I say big, I mean... tience (like the bad doctor. He also ran out of Paoh never mind, just trust me this time. They were big. tients...)), So I will have to go, But may we all live happily ever after. Enter BigTum, and ToeRash stage left. They talk, get overheard, get foiled, get killed, bow, and exit, centre (A.G - Israel)

After the tenth plague, the Egyptians were in turmoil. All their first born children had perished and they were seeking ways to commemorate their loved ones deaths. Whilst all the other Jews in Egypt busied themselves with the upcoming liberation, one Jew, Nachum decided to exploit the Egyptians and sold his brand of candles at premium price. Once word got back to Pharaoh that this Jew was making a fortune of his mourning people he decided to punish him and forced him to stay. With this new information, we can now see why we are not able to use Nachums candles. The Rabanim viewed it inappropriate that we should use the candles of someone who ignored the exodus to make a profit! A Freilichin Purim!
as the instrument is distinguishable as a gragger.) One may not use a stolen gragger. This is obvious. Seeing a grown man or women waving a childs gragger in shul as the original owner sits sobbing on the floor will attest to the requirement of this rule. In order to fulfil this deed in the most beautiful way, one should try to use a gragger made of wood. However, if there are no wooden graggers available, it is acceptable to use one made of plastic, metal or paper. It has become customary to give a child under bar/bas mitzvah a non-wooden gragger for chinuch purposes.

It has been widely documented that parallels can be drawn between the mitzvah of shaking the lulav on Succos and shaking the gragger on Purim. We shake both of them on a yom-tov, and they both come from a tree. Therefore, many of the laws brought down regarding lulav can be extended to gragger. Once Purim is finished, it is customary to store the These include: gragger until Pesach where it can be burnt with the chametz or eaten as a tastier substitute for maOne may not use an old gragger. (Many authorities rule that this refers t0 a gragger which predates the tazah. Some poskim hold that one should keep the gragger until Succos where it can be hung with the birth of its user. Others hold that this is fine, as long left over shofars.

Gematria?
Ok, I can accept a one out gematria, but what happens when the gematria columnist (more like the small -box-at-the-bottom-of-the-page-ist) comes up with something that is two out and it gets published? Who is responsible the columnist or the editor? The only way to find out is by publishing a two out gematria; here goes: If one takes the gematria of: - If there are mistakes (notice the plural two out) in Gematrias, it equals 1522, which is two out in gematria to the words: - The editor of the Living Torah will be punished. (1520) .and they still printed it?!?

Riddle: Where in Shacharis do we mention a gift of a Japanese, delicate fleshed citrus fruit? Answer to This Weeks Riddle:
...and satsumas to the people. (Hodu)
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