THE LOST NATION MORNING SHOW a play Dale Andersen 27702 Crown Valley Pkwy Suite 117, D-4

4 Ladera Ranch, CA 92694 andersen.dale@gmail.com 562-508-5820

THE LOST NATION MORNING SHOW by Dale Andersen 2005

Cast of Characters Uncle Tony Sue --Radio Talk Show host, late 50s Radio Talk Show sidekick, late 20s

Recorded Voices: Womans Voice Manager Franks Voice Benny The Landlords Voice Chorus Singing Recorded Sweeps Andy Andersons Voice Uncle Tonys Voice Sues Voice

THE LOST NATION MORNING SHOW a play (Interior of scruffy on air radio studio. Big sign reads WYYY WEDNESDAY, AUG 13, 1999. TONY at main mike, running the board, flipping through stack of photos. SUE, in shorts & bikini top, sits at auxiliary mike, scans newspaper. Sofa jammed against door. Sound of barking in background. Big clock says 9:07 am) TONY: Your little boy takes great pictures SUE: Justin has a good eye. TONY: Hes gonna be a porno photographer, I have a feeling, when he gets to be about thirty-five years old. You know, like Private Sessions by Justin? (SUE laughs out loud. Dog bark is louder) Its nine minutes past nine uh clock. Its eighty-seven degrees. Uncle Tony and Sue. Itsits gonna be another scorcher. SUE: Muggy-muggy. TONY: The humidity is here, great day to stay indoors. Uhnext to the air conditioner. Say, didnt ace weatherman Andy Anderson predict less humidity today? SUE: Mmmhmm. TONY: Well, screw him. Hes worthless. Thats another person were pissed off at. Were pissed off at Angie, Frank the Manager, Benny the Landlord, the Slangels and now Andy Anderson. You see how the list grows? You can add to the list by calling 848-WYYY. Whats the number again, Sue? SUE: 848-WYYY.

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TONY: Right. 848-WYYY. Day Two of the Big Piss-Off at WYYY. Were barricaded in the studio and Frank cant kick us out. Call 848-WYYY and tell us why youre pissed. Anywayuh nine past nine, eighty-seven degrees. Uhlets do this uhthe Lost Nation Morning Show thing. (TONY starts turntable. Instrumental music) Good mornin Lost Nation, this is Uncle Tony and Sue and welcome to the Morning Show and you know as we sing each and every morning when were together, HELLO FRIENDS & NEIGHBORS! TONY & SUE (Singing along to instrumental music) HELLO FRIENDS AND NEIGHBORS HOW DO YOU DO? WERE HERE TO CHAT AND SING AND WE HOPE WE BRING SOME HAPPINESS TO YOU. HELLO FRIENDS AND NEIGHBORS HOW DO YOU DO? WERE HERE TO CHAT AND SING AND WE HOPE WE BRING SOME HAPPINESS TO YOU. HELLO FRIENDS AND NEIGHBORS HOW DO YOU DO? WERE HERE TO CHAT AND SING AND WE HOPE WE BRING SOME HAPPINESS TO YOU. TONY: And a special good mornin to our wonderful downstairs neighbors, Tom and Sue Ellen Slangel, their lovely son, Mary Ellen, and their really really fine fine dog. (Sound effect of demented dog barking) Uncle Tony in the morning. And to my right, SueSue & Uncle Tony, what a combination! (TONY stomps his foot hard on the floor) Uncle Tony and Sue. Its likeuhlike sour cream and potato chips. Its likeits like peanut butteruh andand SUE: Marshmallow fluff?

THE LOST NATION MORNING SHOW a play TONY: (TONY stomps his foot hard on the floor again) Peanut butter and marshmallow fluff? SUE: Yeah. TONY: Is that good? SUE: Mmmm mmm. TONY: Yeah? (Muffled angry shouts. Sound of something being banged against floor from below. TONY points with pride toward the floor) SUE: Fluffer nutters. (TONY stomps on floor again) Fluffer nutters? TONY: Is that what that.

SUE: You never heard of a fluffer nutter? TONY: A fluffer nutter? No. Yeah, I did. I heard of a fluffer nutter. Butsounds likefluff. Whats the nutter? SUE: Peanut butter. Oh, thats right. Yeah. TONY: Right. Like you. TONY: Nutter. Peanut butter is nuts. SUE:

THE LOST NATION MORNING SHOW a play SUE: Yeah. TONY: Crazy. SUE: Yeah! (More banging & noise from below. TONY beams. For the rest of the play, Tony periodically stomps on the floor after which muffled sounds are heard from below) TONY: Insane. (She sits in his lap. They make out) We are insane at WYYY. Insane and pissed. Frank wants to throw us out and were not gonna take it. Call us at 848WYYY. WhatsIm looking at your fingernails and you.

(Phone light flashes indicating phone call. TONY takes phone off hook. Light stops flashing) SUE: I have a little star andand fireworks starburst. Hmmmm. TONY: Is this a redneck thing? No. SUE: Are you making fun of Tipton again? TONY: I thought when the moon is.

The fingernails?

Well, you live there.

SUE: Ill have you know Tipton is a wonderful place to live. Ok ok. If you say so. TONY: Anyway, the nails are very nice.

SUE: They got all kinds of things you can get on your. Now, what is it? TONY: They put them on or they paint them on?

THE LOST NATION MORNING SHOW a play SUE: Theyre freehand. TONY: Wow! Thats cool. SUE: They do all sorts, likeif youre going away on a trip. TONY: Yeah. SUE: Lets say to the Caribbean or something, they can put. TONY: Sharkslittle sharks on it?

They paint em on.

SUE: No, they put like a grass shack and palm trees and sunsets. TONY: Oooh wow. SUE: Theythey get very intricate. I guess. TONY: It must be a little tiny brush that. SUE: Very, very fine.

Yeah, it is.

TONY: Uhwhatre they charge for all of this? SUE: Five bucks. TONY: To putfor each finger? SUE: Well, forfor each finger design. OK. TONY: For each finger design

THE LOST NATION MORNING SHOW a play SUE: Mmmhm. TONY: So. SUE: Its not much. TONY: No! It looks nice. SUE: Looks sharp. TONY: Really sharp. As long as it makes you happy. Right? My philosophy is. Better to give it to somebody who does something nice for you than to give it to the doctor. SUE: (Hops off his lap & returns to her mike) See, Im gonnaHa! Ha! Ha!

TONY: I tell ya, I love the doctors when they take care of you, but screw the doctors when they dont have to take care of you. Id rather give it to somebody whos gonna make me look nice and make me feel happy and do something nice than give it to doctors for medicine. Thats all. Its that simple. You know, you look very nice this morning. SUE: Thank you. You look happy. Yeah! was. TONY: You have color in your face. I dont know what it

SUE: II was very off yesterday.

Youwe both were. Not at all.

TONY: It was not a good day. SUE:

THE LOST NATION MORNING SHOW a play TONY: The weather had a lot to do with.

It was not a good day. Oh yeah. For sure.

SUE: And the Frank thing too.

TONY: Yeah, Frank too. But its not really Frank. Its Angie. Angies got him by the shorts. You know, and thenreally. SUE: Well, when its like, you know, two hundred fifteen degrees outside. TONY: Right, the heatyou knowit gets to everyoneeven old Iron Butt Angie. Must be a hundred and fifteen inside. SUE: A hundred and fifteen inside and ninety-nine point nine per cent humidity. TONY: Right, and youre trying to do a show, run a radio station and be happy at the same time. It does not work. SUE: Its very hard. TONY: It sucks. Telling ya. It sure sucks for us. Were in here barricaded, its like a steam bath, inviting all of you to tell us what sucks. Call us at 848-WYYY. So you wentyou brought picwhatwhat were you gonna say? SUE: I was gonna say, our life is so rough. TONY: Itits a bitch and then ya die. Now, tell meyou got theseyou brought these pictures ingot lots to talk about with youyou saw thethe horse of horses. SUE: Yeah. I went to theto the Art Institute in Moline on Sunday to see Il Cavallo.

THE LOST NATION MORNING SHOW a play TONY: El cavallo? SUE: Il. TONY: Ill. You were sick? SUE: Il. Its Italian. Il like in Il Cavallo. Its a huge, huge statue of a horse. Wait a minute! Youre Italian. Youre supposed to know all this. TONY: I know. Im just funnin with ya. Il Cavallo. SUE: Awesome. OK. Well talk about

TONY: Yeah. Awesome is the word. The pictures are really awesome! Alright. Well talk about that and a lot of other things. I got 88 degrees and Im Uncle Tony with Sue and this is the Morning Show. Whats with your voice? SUE: The voice is still a little rough. TONY: Well, the weather. SUE: Its something. TONY: Youre havingumuhhumidity high temperature attack. SUE: I think so. TONY: (Puts phone receiver back in cradle) You are allergyou are an allergic person. I dont get that.

THE LOST NATION MORNING SHOW a play SUE: I gottaI guess I have to break down and admit this. TONY: You are alyoure allergic to somethingI mean. SUE: Its gotta be something. TONY: Yeah. Well, it could be something at homecould be Martha, your cat. Ill bet you twenty bucksmost people are allergic to their animals, but, its like I told my mythe hell is he callednot a dermatologistwhat is thetheuhallergy doctoruhallergist. SUE: Allergist. TONY: Allergisthe says Im allergic to my dogsallergic to danderallergic to dust. Highly allergic to dust. And God knows what foods. We didnt do all the scratch tests. SUE: Thats the one thing Im afraid of. TONY: They dont hurt. No. So? SUE: What if Im allergic to dust? TONY: Theres ways of getting around that. SUE: How do I get rid of it? TONY: Well, first of all. SUE: Before I can go back in my own home. TONY: For starters, get an air purifier. The one I showed you.

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THE LOST NATION MORNING SHOW a play SUE: The floor model. Yeah. Mmmhm. Yeah. Yeah. TONY: And put it in thein your bedroom. SUE:

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TONY: And youyou get two of them. Ahyou sleep with one in you have oneand you could put the othertake it wherever you go in the house and just plug it in. SUE: Mmmhm. TONY: It cleans the air, takes the dust out and makes the air clean. Alright? Cleans the stuff Martha brings in. SUE: Yes. TONY: Alright? Anduhthe dust comes in off the road into the house and all that other stuff. Sothats a great thing. The other thing would beuhmaybe dust more often. So, in other words, instead of once every six months SUE: Every three TONY: Every three months, you know. Those things work. SUE: Yeah. TONY: Yeah, she says. Ah, what else could you do? If you sleep with certain things, you have to get rid of them. Alright, for examplenot peopleha ha. Im talking about the

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TONY (Cont): things that cover usyou. Pillows. Your feather pillows and feather quilts. They say get rid of it. Its very, veryuhyou could be highly allergic to that. You want to get polyester pillows. SUE: Yeah, I have feather pillows. TONY: Feather pillows. And you wanna get auhuhmaybe a poly-filled quilt, instead ofumthat feather quilt you have. So all of theseand ImImsaying what he said. SUE: Mmmhm. You know? Do they? TONY: They help, but the thing that hethat he said when both my dogs were alive and when he said that I was allergic to dander that meant either dealing with my problem. SUE: Mmmhm. TONY: Or SUE: Getting rid of the dogs. TONY: Getting rid of the dogs and I tellya how could you get rid of a coupla family members that have been around with you for years? Hey! You think Frank and Angie are listening to this? SUE: Oh, undoubtedly. TONY: And I did these things and they help. SUE:

THE LOST NATION MORNING SHOW a play TONY: Lemme tell ya, you dont throw members of your family out the door like yesterdays newspaper or like some empty booze bottles. OK. Nuff said. Sermons over. Soso I dealtuhwith the dander and the dogs passed on and its better without them, Ill admituhyour carpet, thats another thing. Clean it really good. Vacuum it up, get the hair and the dust and whatever Martha carries in. The stuff off of it. years. SUE: Ive had Marthawhat? Fourteen

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TONY: You cant get rid of Martha. SUE: I cant get rid of her. TONY: Of course not! Even if she jumps on the bed when wewhen youbutyouyou know you love her like family. SUE: (Glares at him, then grins) Itsshes like a sister that meows instead of talks. Thats inthats inhuman. Yeah! TONY: We suffer rather than to make them suffer. SUE: Yeah! TONY: Thats the human in us. Thats what we douh. And uhwere not cruel. Human beings as a rule are not cruel. Except to other humans. We love our animals. Animal business is one of the worlds big industries. SUE: Is it really? TONY: I mean, we dont do that. SUE:

THE LOST NATION MORNING SHOW a play TONY: The food business for animals. SUE: The toys. The little

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Yes, it is.

TONY: Oh everything. Everything. Vets. Thetheyou knowthe vet business. Huge, huge business. I mean, wewe spend a fortune and now, its provetheythey had this on TV the other day. We areuhwith the new technology they have forfor surgery for animals, were spending a fortunes onon repairing them. Heartcardiac surgery for your dog. Fixing and repairing their hearts. Kidney transplants. God almightyumwhen is it gonna end? I think I draw the line when it comes to things like that. UmI dont thinkif they said five thousand dollars to keep your dog alive, you know, I would say no. SUE: Mmmmm. TONY: Letsits more humane to put the dog to sleep. SUE: Well, there. TONY: And a lot cheaper for me. SUE: Well, there becomes a time when you have to separate is it an animal or a human being. Yes, they all become members of your family. Yes, they all have personalities. TONY: Mmmhm. SUE: Is it more traumatic for them to go through this surgery? TONY: And whosewhawhat is the guarantee. SUE: And what is the guarantee?

THE LOST NATION MORNING SHOW a play TONY: That theyre gonna live? SUE: Yes. TONY: You know, a week, two weeks. There is no guarantee. SUE: Thats just our humble opinion.

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TONY: Yes. Yes. Yes. There isnt a morning whenwhen my eyes dont itch or my nose doesnt run. The doctor told me its the worstthe worst allergy season he ever remembers. SUE: Mmmhm. TONY: You know and today, thehow heavy it is out there today? You can see it in the air. SUE: It is amazing.

TONY: Amazing is right. Thats all. Time to cheer up. Stylistics. Da Da Da Da. Alright. I gotuhnineteen minutes past nine. Eighty-eight degrees. Stylistics. Sit back. Relax. Well have the weather. Well learn about Sues horse andumwhat Justin said. Waitll you hear that. Twenty minutes past. Lets hear some music. MANAGER FRANKS VOICE: (Knock on door) Tony? Tony? This is Frank. Big trouble, Tony. The Slangels called the police. (Knocking on door) Tony? (More knocking) Tony? (Song ends)

(Song You Make Me Feel Brand New by The Stylistics. TONY & SUE slow dance to the song, staring deeply into one anothers eyes, ignoring FRANK's knock)

THE LOST NATION MORNING SHOW a play RECORDED SWEEP: Thirteen forty on the dial.

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Uncle Tony!

Oh yeah!

WYYY!

(TONY bows deeply to SUE. He returns to his mike, sits, SUE then sits straddling him facing him. They dryhump in the chair. Phone light flashes. TONY hesitates, then picks up phone, continuing to dryhump Sue as he speaks on phone) TONY: WYYY. Hi, youre on the air with Uncle Tony. Naah, Frank, Im just kidding. Whaddaya want now, Frank? Uh huh. Uh huh. Frank thetheyou knowthe Slangels. ItsI mean, weyou spend so much time dicking around with those losers. No, theyre not theyre not. Theyre welfare trash. Theytheyre nobodies, Frank. Theyre just a coupla fat bums with a big dumb mutt. He Bennys not gonna do anything to us. Frank. FrankFrank. Listen. They havent paid Benny rent in months. Hes gonna evict em. I heard this. Reliable source. Frank. Willya wake up and smell the cofBennys using them to get a whip hold on you. Cause next time the lease comes up, hell have you by the nuts. Hes a fuckin Jew, Frank, working an angle. They all think that way. They do it to each other. You are such an chump, Frank. No, Frank! No! You are way out of line. No! We are not discussing her! End of discussion, Frank! End. Of. Discussion!

TONYS RECORDED VOICE: Protection One keeps an eye your home so burglars cant get in. Its that simple. Your home or business is safe. And you get to decide the level of security you want. Crooks dont stand a chance. Protection One installs home automation systems. Turn lights and appliances on or off automatically. Want a free estimate? Call 1800-GUARD for a free consultation and peace of mind. Remember, Protection One is on call 24 hours. Protection One. For peace of mind around the clock. 1-800-GUARD. Thats 1-800-GUARD. And tell em Uncle Tony sent you. ANDY ANDERSONS VOICE: Well, were going to see hot, humid weather continuing and maybe showers or thunderstorms. Highs will reach the mid to upper 90s. Tonight skies clear down into the low 70s. Mostly sunny, hot and humid tomorrow. A few scattered clouds. Temperatures in the 90s again. This is meteorologist Andy Anderson at the WYYY weather central.

THE LOST NATION MORNING SHOW a play (He slams phone down and pots up the mike. She continues to straddle him) SUE: Really, really hot. TONY: Hot and humid and. SUE: Thunderstorm maybe. TONY: Type of day thatuhyou know what Im afraid of? SUE: What? Ill betcha twenty bucks. This is the weather for it. TONY: Were gonna get a terrible hailstorm. Its gonna be awful. SUE: Oh no. TONY: I feel it in my bones. I hope to God it doesnt happen, but I think it will. If it does, its gonna wipe out the crops in this areauhterrible, terrible. But wouldnt it be amazing if they said they first heard it from Uncle Tony? From me? Well see. Call us at 848-WYYY. TONY: Were gonna get a hail storm. SUE:

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(Tony pots down mike. Heatwave by Martha and the Vandellas plays. They stand. SUE vacuums rug. TONY takes readings from the equipment and logs numbers on clipboard. They change Big Sign to read WYYY THURSDAY AUG 14, 1999. Black out. Sound of turning an old fashioned radio dial hunting for a station. Lights up. TONY is standing, peeing in a bucket, holding his mike, speaking into it. SUE sits at the auxiliary mike. Big clock says 10:16 am)

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TONY: There isnt aa synagogue that doesnt gamble. Fiftyfifty is gambling. Penny socials is I guess some sort of a gambling. You know, they have this. I remember when I first moved to Lost Nation 30 years ago, Holy Name used to have a chicken barbecue every year and it was a wonderful I dont know why they stopped it, but I love chicken, so I participated and I cooked and I me with my big mouth I was walking around andand makingforcing people to spend money to buy fifty-fifties. There were fifty-fifties going on constantly. They had a roulette wheel. Pick a ticket you know for a buck and theyd spin the wheel and youd win half of the money. All gambling! SUE: Mmmhmm. TONY: (Finishes peeing. Returns to his place, sits) Its everywhere, its illegal, but its done. The state doesnt have police to police the churches and temples. SUE: Every social organization. TONY: Yes. Everythey dont. They let it go. If its illegal, why dont the cops in the townswhy dont they go in and stop it? They dont. Its illegal. Theyll give you a ticket for speeding, theyll give you a ticket for double parking, theyll give you a ticket in the street right here in Lost Nation if you park more than two hours, but they wont go into the church and give them a ticket and make them come into court forfor gambling. See? Lot of injustices and lots of unfairities. Theres no such word. I just made that up. An infairity. SUE: Life is a cruel, cold place. TONY: Well, my father used to say, lifes a bitch, then you die. Ooh! SUE: Ooh, were off somewhere sour again! (She stands, removes her top)

THE LOST NATION MORNING SHOW a play TONY: Especially Sues morning breath.

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Sour is the right word.

SUE: (Sticks her tongue out) Ouch. TONY: Just kidyour breath isreally breathtaking. Hey, Uncle Tony and Sue here coming atcha on WYYY AM. Day Three of the Big Piss-Off. We are in here locked in the studio. We jammed a sofa against the door so Frank cant get in. Were tired and were pissed off and were not coming out. Call us if youre pissed off. The number is 848-WYYY. SUE: 848-WYYY. TONY: 848-WYYY. Its nineteen minutes past ten uh clock. Ninety-one degrees and lets play a song and sell something. (Short-Shorts by Royalteens* plays on turntable. TONY pots down volume & rushes to her, removing trousers. SUE bumps and grinds to beat, removes shorts. They make love on sofa) MANAGER FRANKS VOICE: (Rapping on door. Voice through door) Tony? You in there? Tony? Sue? Its me, Frank. Tony? Tony, please answer me. Tony, Sue, we need to talk. (They ignore him. Voice now over office intercom) Tony? Please, Tony. Talk to me. I have Benny here. Benny the landlord? Hes not happy, Tony. He wants to talk to you. Tony. Listen, Tony. You cant use a bucket to pee in. Its a rule. Its unsanitary. A violation ANDY ANDERSONS VOICE: Expect heavy downpours later today with strong gusty winds and frequent cloud to ground lightning. Temperatures will be in the mid to upper nineties. Showers and thunderstorms this evening, then partial clearing. An overnight low around seventy with patchy morning clouds. Tomorrow more humidity with partly sunny skies and a high in the mid nineties. This is Andy Anderson at WYYY weather central.

THE LOST NATION MORNING SHOW a play MANAGER FRANKS VOICE (Cont): of the lease. Benny says pee carries tapeworm and salmonella eggs. You have to use the bathrooms. Unless theyre not working. Tony, I hope you and Sue are using different buckets. The other tenants are complaining. The Slangels called Chief Schott and the state troopers. Theyre really upset. Tony, please tell Benny youll stop and open the door. Dont worry, Mr. Cohen. Ill personally see to it that he. BENNY THE LANDLORDS VOICE: (On office intercom) Gimme that microphone, you little pissant! You dont know diddly about talking to assholes. You in there, Guardino? You listen to me, you guinea wop sonuvabitch. The Slangels tellin me they gonna stop payin me lessen you stop fuckin with em. Tell you this, you old goat! Every dollar they dont pay me, Im takin outta your goddam sorryass cradle-robbing hide. If I come back here again, Im comin in there and clean your worthless clock right in front of that bitch girl youre porking and listen to me now cause Im only. Uncle Tony!

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UNCLE TONYS VOICE: (Speaking over musical bed) Hey! Who says size isnt important? Lemme tellya, when it comes to pizza-quality, taste, price and size are very important. And the largest---I say the largest---take-out pie in the area comes from Pizza Star in Oxford Junction. Come visit the warm and friendly dining atmosphere at Pizza Star. Enjoy the expanded menu of specialty pizzas, pasta, hot and cold gyros, chicken, veal and seafood. And Pizza Star has free delivery. Can you ask for anything more? And they deliver it to businesses weekdays from 11am to 2pm. Call Pizza Star 781-8922. Thats 781-8922. At the corner of Westheimer and Bellaire in Oxford Junction. Call em. Pizza Star. 781-8922. Thats 781-8922. Pizza Star! Tell em Uncle Tony sent you.

RECORDED SWEEP: Thirteen forty on the dial.

Oh yeah!

WYYY!

(They finish their lovemaking and rush back to their places. TONY abruptly cuts off the office intercom in mid-sentence. They dress hurriedly as they speak into their mikes)

THE LOST NATION MORNING SHOW a play TONY: We are back. Whatre you reading?

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OK, we are back.

SUE: (Scanning newspaper as she dresses) Imsometimes to me, life is stranger than fiction. TONY: Life is stranger than fiction. It really is. SUE: Im reading about the guy in Indiana who plotted. Uh actually didfathered a child with his wife and then killed the infant to exact revenge on his wife for not properly comforting him when his father died. OK. Let me understand. TONY: He killed his newborn child. SUE: Seven months old. TONY: OK. Sothats still newborn. He killed a seven month old child cause he was pissed because she didnt comfort him. Yes. SUE: He wanted to make her feel like. TONY: Like he. SUE: He did. TONY: Like he did so he killed his son. SUE: Yeah. Oh, good Lord! TONY: So whatso tell me, what else happened?

SUE: Well, hes in jail obviously. And thats the only excuse he could givewas that somehe just wanted his wife.

THE LOST NATION MORNING SHOW a play TONY: To know how he felt. SUE: To know how he felt. TONY: So, I wonwondering if this isI guess its gotta be first degree murderthen its probably. SUE: Well, the coroner ruled it died of sudden infant death. TONY & SUE: Syndrome. SUE: See, they cant necessarily prove homicide. SIDS. SIDS. SIDS. Yes. TONY: But yet, if the coroner ru. SUE: But he says he suffocated the childhmmm! TONY: That doesnt make any sense, and the coronermaybe they didnt do a real good autopsy. SUE: (Flipping pages in newspaper) That could be too. TONY: So thats how the coroner ruled. SUE: TONY: OK, thats calledthats known as SIDS. SUE:

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TONY: Thenuhyou would know if the airflowsayhas something to do with the way the blood stops when you suffocate. You cant kill anybody todayuhthis science is where DNA they take DNA from people and determine how or what. SUE: Not to change the subwell, actually, yes, changing it says here theres a flag in the Edison, New Jersey, historical society called the Lincoln flag and supposedly the story is that this is one of theumwhats the word. TONY: Banners? Bandoleers? SUE: Whatever they called thethe flags that festooned Fords Theater when Lincoln was assassinated. TONY: In other words, one of the flags that bellowed thethe. SUE: Billowed and they were hanging from the ceiling evidently. TONY: YesOKI can see that the flags. SUE: And theythey were all over the place. TONY: Right. Right. SUE: This is a regular flag and supposedly it was placed underneath his head when he was assassinated, and. TONY: OK. SUE: So it has bloodstains and theyre trying to take it and do a DNA test. Now, this ishow manya hundred years later? TONY: Yeah.

THE LOST NATION MORNING SHOW a play SUE: A little bit more? TONY: Yeah. And whatuh. SUE: And they still. TONY: To determine what? SUE: To determine whether it was truly there. TONY: Oh, I see. SUE: To verify. TONY: To prove, to verify that the flag. SUE: To prove that this was. TONY: Right. Right. OK. I gotcha. I understand now. Well, look at that other thingtheumthe shroud of Jesus? SUE: Shroud of Turin. The Shroud of Turin. Right, it was. TONY: A mask of Jesus and they did scientific tests and proved it wasnt, but you know thatI like to believe in things like that. I dont know. Maybe its the kid in me. But Id like to believe that God had a hand in. OK. TONY: I think they proved it wasnt. SUE:

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THE LOST NATION MORNING SHOW a play SUE: The holy supernatural. TONY: Yeah, yeah. I meanthats wonderful. Whywhy take something so wonderful and turn it into a scientific expedition? Let it be. Leave it alone. SUE: Yeah. TONY: Why takewhy destroy the faith that the people have. SUE: In that article. TONY: (Phone light flashing) You know, thatsI dont think thats the right thing to do. In the name of science? Screw science. Let it be. Let it be. OK, look, we got a call. Call us. 848-WYYY. 848-WYYY. OK. Well, let's see who this is. Maybe its Benny the Landlord. Or the slimy Slangels. Or a listener whos pissed. Good morning! This is Uncle Tony And Sue. WOMANS VOICE: HiuhTony Guardino? TONY: Hi! Youre on the air with Uncle Tony and Sue. pissed off? Are you

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WOMANS VOICE: UhhnoIm Meg Pierce, Y2K Coordinator for Jones County? TONY: Oh, hi. How are you? WOMANS VOICE: Im calling about the Y2K forum coming up

Uhhhfine. tonight.

Sure.

TONY: (Signaling SUE he has no idea about this) Go ahead. Go ahead.

THE LOST NATION MORNING SHOW a play WOMANS VOICE: OK. This will be at the Anamosa Community Room. about emergency services for the year 2000. TONY: Where is this located? UmAnamosa. WOMANS VOICE: Right off 64 and 151. TONY: Where you calling from? WOMANS VOICE: AnuhAnamosa. TONY: Anamosa, OK. Y2K. Year 2000. So Y2K. What do you think? The worlds gonna come to an end? WOMANS VOICE: I hope not.

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And its

TONY: Same here except for maybe the slimy Slangels and Benny the Landlord. WOMANS VOICE: I think theres going to be someuhchanges. II dontI dont think that itlife will be exactly as. TONY: So were not gonna run out of water, were gonna still have electricity, we dont have toyou know what Im hearing? WOMANS VOICE: Well, Im. TONY: Im hearing it might not be a bad idea just to go out and buy coupla cases of water, some can. WOMANS VOICE: Yeah

THE LOST NATION MORNING SHOW a play TONY: Canned foodjust in case something stupid happens. SUE: Kerosene heater.

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WOMANS VOICE: You know, thats a good idea to do anyway. ImIm graduallyuhjust, withoutuma real impact on my budget, each time I shop instead of getting you know a roll of toilet paperuhor rather a case to last a month or two. Next time, I double up on canned goods. TONY: (Begins to get visibly bored) Yeah. Yeah.

Mmmhm.

SUE: Some people are actually going to the Army/Navy stores. (TONY glares at SUE) WOMANS VOICE: Uh huh. SUE: And purchasing MREs. WOMANS VOICE: Uhuhuhpurchasing what? (Gives SUE the slash across the throat gesture. She ignores him) SUE: MREs. Meals ready to eat. WOMANS VOICE: Like K rations the soldiers had in the

Oh yeah, those. cans.

SUE: Theyre not in cans anymore. Now they have like a little hot pack.

THE LOST NATION MORNING SHOW a play WOMANS VOICE: Is that right? Yeah. SUE: I know people that are doing that.

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WOMANS VOICE: Uhyou know, I dont think theres any harm, because, then, you know, they can take them camping if they dont need themum. I think there are a lot of things that people can do. Our motto is prudent and prepared. But we dont want anybody to become alarmed oruh. SUE: Extremist. WOMANS VOICE: Yeah. And justjust try touhfigureyou knowwhat would you need to get through a crisis if one existed and the crisis might not be Y2K driven. It could beyou knowweather oror some otherumfor example what the the Nuclear Power Facility people have done to prepare for further potentially very large dangers. SUE: Yeah. There could be a big boom over there and then we dont have to worry about the toilet paper. WOMANS VOICE: (Laughs) Well, the Nuclear Regulatory Agency. (TONY injects himself into SUEs line of sight. Indicates with gestures how boring this interview is, makes like hes jacking off. SUE tries to ignore him. He continues to take silent shots at her for the duration of the interview) SUE: Actually, we will need the toilet paper if it goes boom. WOMANS VOICE: (Laughs) Thethethe NucNuclear Regulatory Agency hasis umwatching them carefully and they have guidelines as to how they need to prepare, but the public is not yet aware of that and so were holding a series of meetings. We have

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WOMANS VOICE (Cont): one a month and tonight its on the emergency services. What areuhfire companies and ambulance services and umand also on communications. What is AT and Twhat are they doing to prepare and our goal is to get information out cause we think with information, people will not be alarmists. Listen, I have toumsign off because I have a meeting I have to attend thats already started. SUE: Where is this located again, Meg? WOMANS VOICE: Anamosa Community Room. Eight pm tonight. and 151. Take the Weintraub exit. Right off 64

SUE: OK and, listen, it was very nice talking to you. Well, thank you. WOMANS VOICE: Likewise.

SUE: And you have a wonderful day. WOMANS VOICE: You too. SUE & WOMANS VOICE: Bye bye. (Sound of phone hanging up. She glares at TONY. Ten seconds of dead air. Finally) Y2K. TONY: Something to think about. Something to ponder. SUE: Better safe than sorry. Y2K. Y2K. TONY: I dont thinknothings gonna happen.

SUE: You dontyou dont think people should take precautions?

THE LOST NATION MORNING SHOW a play TONY: I dont think therell be troops. SUE: Megs point was not about martial law. being prud.

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It was about

TONY: Prudent. Sure. Sure. Sure. But theretheres the other thing. The all the rednecks out there. SUE: All the redoh, thats right. I live in Tipton. go. Hes got his Tipton hammer out again, folks. You would knowYou tell you. You live uh clock bell rings down Donohue Street Do not. Here we

TONY: know all about that. I dont have to it every day. Nine uh clockuhnine in Tipton and the hillbillies marching in their white sheets. It still is.

SUE: Tiptons a great place to live.

TONY: Tipton is likewhat could you relate Tipton towhere people make disparaging remarksumuhwhat the hell was his name? Uhhe had a radio show. The guy in Oxford Junction. Always made fun of Goose Lake. And he hurt Goose Lakeuhclaims that he didnt do it on purpose, but I believe he did it deliberately. I mean, he went after Goose Lake with a vengeance. Every day, he tore into Goose Lakeumand what the real estate people said was because of what he did, property valuesI mean, could you imagine the power of a radio host to cause the loss. SUE: Of property values? TONY: Homes that people live in. SUE: And the town and the tax assessments in Goose Lake. money for schools and city services. Less

THE LOST NATION MORNING SHOW a play TONY: Oh! SUE: Oh My God!

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Quality of life issues.

TONY: Damn! Thats like incredible. Thats like amazing. You know, unbelievable. Say whatcha want, ya gotta give him credit. The guy did a hell of a job. Ninety-three degrees and lets play some music. We are pissed. Call 848-WYYY. (TONY stomps his foot hard on the floor. Smiles triumphantly. He pots down the mike and pots up Heatwave by Martha and the Vandellas) What was that all about? SUE: She had a good point. Y2K is bullshit. TONY: No one cares. Its a cartoon issue.

SUE: I know lots of people with questions about Y2K. TONY: Yeah, your illiterate redneck fr. Listen. SUE: You better stop with the redneck.

TONY: You listen! Dont you ever upstage me again. Ever! This here is not a fifty fifty deal. This is my show. One hundred per cent mine. Im the host. Youre just the sidekick. Capish? (Turns her back to him and sullenly vacuums floor. TONY moodily takes readings and records results on a clipboard. Keeping their distance from one another, they change clothes and change the Big Sign to read FRIDAY AUG 15, 1999. Blackout. Sound of turning the radio dial hunting for a station. Lights. TONY at mike and running the board looking at a photograph. SUE squats over bucket trying to pee and holding her mike at same time. Big clock reads 10:30 am)

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TONY: Come to think of it, we went to the fair in Davenport when I was thirteen. I remember that her mom took us. And there was this stallion there and I swore to God, this was the only stallion I've ever known that had five legs. I dont know how else to describe it. SUE: Well, this wasnt like that. TONY: No. Well, I know that. I know that. But this really did have five legs. Im convinced. I dont believe it was anything else. That was a leg, dammit to hell! That was another leg. Andand while we stood there watching, it the stallion took this hugehumongous pee andand it was like alike a fire hosejustjust streaming out and going on forever. And her mom kept saying, come on, kids, lets go over and see the rabbits and all the time she just stood there starin at that leg. Twenty-nine minutes before eleven uh clock here on AM 1340 WYYY. Uncle Tony and Sue comin atcha in the morning. Day Four of the Big Piss-Off and Sue as we speak is really getting into the spirit of the thing. Arentcha, Sue? (SUE glares at him. TONY blows her a kiss) Weve got some commercials to play anduhanduhwe willI guess well be back. Uncle Tony! RECORDED SWEEP: Thirteen forty on the dial. Oh yeah! WYYY!

(SUE finishes peeing in the bucket and returns to her mike) TONY: Still pissed? SUE: What do you think? (Phone light flashes. TONY unhooks phone) TONY: You can always leave. You know where the door is.

SUES VOICE: Dont miss another year of fun in your back yard! SunDelight Pools, your authorized Anaconda dealer and repair station, is ready to custom install an inground pool to add value to your home. And smiles to everyone in your family. Therere many sizes to choose from various packages available.

THE LOST NATION MORNING SHOW a play MANAGER FRANKS VOICE: (Over office intercom) Uh, Tony. Youyou in there? TONY: (Disguising his voice badly) Tony aint here! MANAGER FRANKS VOICE: Ha. Ha. Very funny, Tony. Very very funny. TONY: (Winking at SUE, trying to include her in his joke. She ignores him) Tony went to take a whiz. This is Carmen, the masseuse. MANAGER FRANKS VOICE: Tony, we have to talk. TONY: (Reaches to grab SUE. She moves out of his reach) Whattaya mean we, Frank? Ya gotta turd in your pocket or somethi. OKso talk, Frank. MANAGER FRANKS VOICE: Angies very upset, Tony. Shes been listening. TONY: (Gives SUE a Hey, cmon stare) Ok ok, Frank. I apologize. Tell her Im sorry I called her Old Ironbutt. MANAGER FRANKS VOICE: Tony, are you going to stop this and come on out?

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SUES VOICE (Cont): And pool openings and closings. Replacement liners. Covers. Solar blankets. Automatic pool cleaners & chemicals. Its SunDelight Pools in Hale. Call 849-SWIM. Thats 849SWIM for SunDelight Pools. ANDY ANDERSONS VOICE: By now, most everyone knows its become both convenient and inexpensive to own a pager. For most people, a pager has become as essential as the telephone to keep in touch with home or office. MegaPage is the Quad City areas wireless communications expert. And an authorized retailer for Hawkeye Bell Mobile. MegaPage has the largest selection of pagers and cellphones with service and equipment packages for any budget. MegaPage offers small business owners an inexpensive way to keep in touch with clients and staff. Child care providers can reach parents when questions and emergencies arise. Dual income families can alert each other with schedule changes. Hook up with the wireless communications experts at MegaPage, an authorized retailer for Hawkeye Bell Mobile. Youll find a pager and a cellphone can meet all your communications needs. If youve been missing pages, get your pager tuned up at the MegaPage service lab.

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TONY: I dunno, Frank. Make me an offer. MANAGER FRANKS VOICE: We already made you an offer. TONY: Four thousand bucks? That aint no offer. Thats chickenfeed. Thatthats dog poop. Thats an insult. Andand what about a kiss. I should get a kiss. (Winks at SUE) I always get a kiss when I get screwed. (SUE laughs in spite of herself) MANAGER FRANKS VOICE: Tony, four thousand is fair. More than fair. You know WYYY. You know its fair. TONY: Wellmaybe, but I dunno, Frank, I dunno. I just. Howall the yearsall the blblood, sweat and tears how do you put a price on how do you quantify that? MANAGER FRANKS VOICE: Tony, please. Angie cant sell if you dont sign. Please help her. You owe her that, Tony. Shes worked very hard. TONY: I dunno. Geez. Sell the station. Like killing a baby. I gotta think.

ANDY ANDERSONS VOICE(Cont): Call right now at 1-800MEGAPAGE. Thats 1-800MEGAPAGE for MegaPage, an authorized retailer for Hawkeye Bell Mobile. UNCLE TONYS VOICE: (Chorus sings) Datsun of Davenport. You cant buy for less! (UNCLE TONY) Thats right. At Datsun of Davenport, you cant buy for less. Their motto is, no hassles, no gimmicks, just everyday low prices. At Datsun of Davenport, they can save you thousands in their line of world class vehicles. So whether youre buying or leasing, new or used, youll be driving the vehicle you want, at the best price, period. Even if youve had credit problems. You see, when it comes to customer satisfaction, Datsun of Davenport stands alone. So check your local newspaper for incredible advertised specials. Or hurry into Datsun of Davenport. On Route 61. (Chorus again) Datsun of Davenport. You cant buy for less! UNCLE TONYS VOICE: You know, your car is a big investment. I dont have to tell you this. You know it. The harshness of winter and the summers glaring

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MANAGER FRANKS VOICE: Tony, please, theres an offer. Yeah? TONY: An offer? Who?

MANAGER FRANKS VOICE: You know I cant tell you that. TONY: Who, dammit? MANAGER FRANKS VOICE: Tony. please. Dont make me. TONY: Dammit, Frank! MANAGER FRANKS VOICE: Rufus Meadows. TONY: Shes selling to Rufus? MANAGER FRANKS VOICE: Its a good offer. Tony. TONY: Rufus Meadows? My wife and? Isis she fucking him? (SUE turns and stares at him in shock) MANAGER FRANKS VOICE: Tony. Please. TONY: Frank, you guys are starting to come at me from all directions. I gottauh right now, I just dont know.

UNCLE TONYS VOICE (Cont): sun really does a number on your cars appearance. Rust, cracks, peeling paint and a dull finish are common if your cars a couple of years old. You know, you try to take care of it, but theres one place that will really make it look great and thats Rufus Meadows Autobody, a professional body shop with all the latest equipment. Theyll bring that car of yours back to showroom new. Rufus Meadows Autobody at 209 West 4th Street right here in Lost Nation. Theyre got that full service repair shop youre looking for, free insurance estimates, a free loaner car for five days if your car or truck needs major body work. They provide frame straightening, welding, a high tech paint room, 24 hour towing and flatbed service. Thats why Rufus Meadows Autobody should be your choice. Rufus Meadows Autobody. 209 West 4th Street in Lost Nation. 209-6565. Thats 209-6565 and tell my friend Rufus that Uncle Tony sent you. RECORDED SWEEP: Uncle Tony! Thirteen forty on the dial. Oh yeah! WYYY!

THE LOST NATION MORNING SHOW a play MANAGER FRANKS VOICE: So youll think about it, Tony? TONY: Sure, Ill think about it. (As they continue backing and forthing, TONY plays records or CDs, which are heard in background) MANAGER FRANKS VOICE: Tony? TONY: Yeah, Frank. MANAGER FRANKS VOICE: You still there? TONY: Still here, Frank. Still here. You know? number. I aint a dummy. MANAGER FRANKS VOICE: What do you mean, Tony? You are good. TONY: Boy, you really are good. MANAGER FRANKS VOICE: You lost me, Tony. Its simple. TONY: Youre out to fuck me. Pure and simple. I like I gotcher

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MANAGER FRANKS VOICE: That is so unfair of you, Tony. And so untrue. you. I really do.

TONY: Now I need some hip boots. The shits gettin deep in here. MANAGER FRANKS VOICE: Tony, listen to me. Ive always liked you. Despite the misunderstandings and miscommunications. I think youre a talent. Even thisuhBiguhPiss-Off. The shows good. Youre doing very well.

THE LOST NATION MORNING SHOW a play TONY: Well, hell yeah, Course its good. Im a pro. Frank, lemme ask you. You think when Rufus takes over, hell. MANAGER FRANKS VOICE: UhhI dont know, Tony. Your style. Its a bit tooum.

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TONY: Yeah. OK. Piss. I use the p-word. Rufus doesnt cuss. Hang on a minute. I aint done fucking with you, Frank. (Pots up the mike. SUE, smoldering, waits) Its eighteen minutes before eleven uh clock, its eightysix degrees. Lets go over to our WYYY weather center and see whos gonna talk to us and if hes nasal this morning. (Pots down the mike) You know, Frank, I gotta lot of loyal listeners. ANDY ANDERSONS VOICE: MANAGER FRANKS VOICE: We do have some patchy fog I know, Tony. out there. Some clouds this morning. Theyll give way TONY: to partly sunny skies later They follow me. Me! Not the on staying very humid, high station. at 89. Then tonight, skies fair to cloudy, low down MANAGER FRANKS VOICE: into the low sixties. For I know they do, Tony. Saturday, sunny with a few afternoon clouds, humidity TONY: down to 30%, the high close OK. Just so we got that to 85. Partly cloudy straight. You know if I go Saturday night heading down to WANY, theyll follow me. to near 60 and Sunday partly MANAGER FRANKS VOICE: sunny, highs back up close Yes. to 90. This weather report was brought to you by Rufus TONY: Coffee Shop. You know, for So, Frank. the best down home pies and cobblers in all of Clinton MANAGER FRANKS VOICE: County, theres no place Yes, Tony. like Rufus Coffee Shop right smack dab in the TONY: middle of Lost Nation. So whats gonna happen to you, you know, when?

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MANAGER FRANKS VOICE: Mister Meadows has asked me to stay on as Producer. TONY: Oh. So now its Mister Meadows. And what about Angie? MANAGER FRANKS VOICE: Shell be his Business Manager. TONY: His Business Manager. So he is fucking her. OK, Frank. I see how the winds blowing. Gotta get back on the board. Talk to you later. MANAGER FRANKS VOICE: Tony? TONY: Yeah, Frank. MANAGER FRANKS VOICE: Do me one little favor? TONY: Sure. You know me. Anything for a real pal like you. MANAGER FRANKS VOICE: Move the couch away from the door. TONY: Soons I get a chance, Frank.

ANDY ANDERSONS VOICE(Cont): Rufus motto is pies, pies and more pies. Apple pies, peach pies, boysenberry pies, strawberry pies with whipped cream, lemon meringue pies served just the way you want it with a tall cool glass of sweet tea. Or how about topping off that delicious dinner of pork chops and home fries with a generous helping of apricot cobbler topped off with a scoop of Rufus own home made vanilla ice cream? Mmmmm mmmmm. Even though Rufus doesnt allow swearing, you will swear this is the best pie you ever tasted. Rufus Coffee Shop. 208 West 4th St. Lost Nation right across the street from Rufus Meadows Autobody. Thats Rufus Coffee Shop. This is meteorologist Andy Anderson at the WYYY weather central.

(Pots up the mike. He signals Sue to pick up the newspaper and scan for topics. She silently refuses) TONY: (Picks up newspaper) OK, thank you, Andy. Its eighty-six degrees here in Clinton County at seventeen before eleven.

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TONY (Cont): (He turns pages of newspaper noisily) There was a notice in the paperumskimming through it someone was nice enough to toss us a paper through the windowthank you very much whoever you areuhlast week at Rufus Coffee ShopI was sitting next touhChief Schott and we were talking and the Chief says people dont have to buy the paper. All they gotta do is listen to the Uncle Tony show. Well, I dont think the Journal Record would be too happy about that, but nevernevertheless lets see what it says in here. Something about Oxford Junction? Aboutumuhthe water. How you cant use the water. Dont use the water. Where the hell is it in here? Wheres the rest of the article, dammit? Lowdon. Hale. Cmon. Im totally confused now with thisTip TiptonStone CityOh, even Tipton is in here thisTipton is in the paper a lot lately! What is it? Youre here, so TipI betcha if you left, Id never find another damn thing in the paper about Tipton. I bet. SUE: Its a psychic thing. TONY: Its a psychic thing? I dunno what it is. I dunno. Umm. (Finds the article) Mayor Ewell Moore over in Oxford Junction yesterday asked town residents to voluntarily conserve water because the towns reservoir is below normaland no relief is in sight. Residents are asked not to water their lawnsnot to wash their carsnot to fill their swimming poolsjust die. Go out in the heat and die. Thats what they want you to douhand to run dishwashers and washing machines, for full loads only and theytheyre gonna be sending around washing machine inspectors andumdishwasher inspectors. Theyre gonna hire two part time people to come around, knock on your door and see how many dishes you have in your dishwasher and how many clothes youre washing, sobut seriously, if there is a water shortage and you know damn well we havent had water in a long time, soumjust do what they ask you, cause I think the worst thingits one thing to have your electric off. You know the electric is gonna come back on eventually. It will come back on. But its a whole nother story when theto when you turn your water on and theres nothing comin out. I gotta tell you, that is bad, bad news. That is a horrible feeling. Its scaryumespecially if you have a

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TONY (Cont): house that you have your own well and the well runs dry. Oh, my good lord, you knowumwe have town water and town water isisseems to be always there except if theres auhwater main break. And then the crews are out there and theyre working their butts off and as fast as they can they get that repaired and an. SUE: And back on. TONY: And back on again for you, you know. We have a pretty good track recordumI think and Ive said this before, we should secede from the County. We should really break away. I dont see the tax benefits. I dont see any thing. SUE: Revolt. Lead the revolt! TONY: OK, so lets start it right now.

Im leading the revolt.

SUE: So whats the town flag gonna look like? TONY: Oh yeah! The flag. We have to have an independent flag. Well, we can have a picture of Kenny Nims on the flag. SUE: Talk about a redneck. TONY: Kennys not a redneck. Just talks like one. OK. We have Kenny Nims on the flagumumhe was the leader of the hemp smokers thing. Awww. I dont know if I want that. Losing your nerve? No. No. SUE: Waffling? Now you dont want Kenny? TONY: Screw Kenny. SUE: What aboutwhat about your own currency?

THE LOST NATION MORNING SHOW a play TONY: Im not saying secede from the U S of A, you dingbat! SUE: Ohhh! TONY: Im saying to break away from Clinton County. I know. SUE: Im pullin your leg

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TONY: My chain, not my leg. We dont need to be part of the Clintonianuhextravaganza they have with all the cockamamies that are going on. We dont need that. We are independent and we are self-suffwe dont have a water problem. We have our own reservoir. Never ever runs out. We have wawe could feed the world. With our reservoir. Weve got endless, endless artesian wells pumping water. Right. We have all of these things. We dont need Clin. SUE: You have your own sewer system. TONY: We have our own sewer system. SUE: You have your own police infrastructure. TONY: And we have our own SUE: Road crew. TONY: We have our ownschool system. SUE: Mmmhm. TONY: Our ownwater and treatment plantumour own governmentumwhat else do we have that we dont need anybody our ownyou said police.

THE LOST NATION MORNING SHOW a play SUE: Mmmhm.

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TONY: Plus we have state troopers which is rightright around the corner from here so we got state troopers here too umand every other police that wants to come. We dont need Clinton! I am saying that right now. Im demanding. I, Uncle Tonyand I dont know if you wanna join in on this because you might have a cross burning on your lawn in Tipton by six uh clock tonightwhyI want us to secede from Clinton. I want us to be independent. I want us to break away. And this is taxation without representation! You hear that? SUE: I hear it. TONY: Taxation. We are paying taxes and what representation are we getting from that picayune county government? The whole Clintonian bushwa with Vernell Cant Do it Hewitt running the show. What do we get? Zilch! Nothing! Nada! SUE: Nada? Nada! Yeah. TONY: Its Spanish for. SUE: This show is so educational.

I know what nada means.

TONY: SoI say we have tohave to get a petition going. And I need somebody out there to call me and tell me what do we get from Clinton County besides grief, aggravation, Cant Do it Hewitt, bad water andumfat Nazis. SUE: Yeah! Fat Nazis. TONY: Right on! Fat Nazis. We have an open phone line right now, sosomesomebody call me and lets talk about this aboutabout how the Clinton County political machine is ripping Lost Nation off. Call us at 848-WYYY.

THE LOST NATION MORNING SHOW a play SUE: Lost Nation has everything unto itself. Yeah. TONY: The number again is 848-WYYY. SUE: Lost Nation.

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We have an open line.

TONY: Yeah. Thats right. We have everything and everything works and we get along and we dont have a buncha screwball buttinskies fighting over whether to do this or that. And we have awe have a little supermarket right in our own little town within walking distancein short we have everything. Cmon people, call me. That number again is 848-WYYY. 848-WYYY. Alex! Renata! If youre out there, call! We have everything we need right here. SUE: And no ones leaving town. TONY: Right! Everybody wants to stay. We have new developments going up. Just outside town. Gorgeous homes. Reasonable homes. Lovely homes. Enchanting homes. Home homes. We have everything. So call and talk to me. 848-WYYY. Im jealous. SUE: I want to move to Lost Nation.

TONY: Secede! Secede and you will succeed! Thats it. Call me! 848-WYYY. Lets play some music while we get ready to take your calls. (Mimics Kingfish accent from Amos & Andy. Intro to the song Jive Talkin by the BeeGees in background gradually potting up) An that aint no jive talkin. Thas the troof. Thas right. No jive talkin on WYYY. I dont jive talk. BeeGees might. But not Uncle Tony. Or Sue. We dont jive talk here. We dont do that, no. No, we dont. I doodah feel better today than I doodah did yesterday. BeeGees at eight minutes before eleven! (Pots down mike. Jive Talkin plays in background as TONY & SUE speak off the air)

THE LOST NATION MORNING SHOW a play TONY: Nobodys calling. SUE: Its OK. Theyll call. TONY: Frank heard no calls. SUE: Maybe this time he isnt. He always listens.

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No, not OK.

TONY: Fat chance. After I threw in his face how I got all these loyal listeners. Betcha hes laughing his ass off. Franks one of those scheming little assbites put on earth just toto fuck withwith good people likewell, like me. SUE: He seems nice. TONY: Hes not. Hes a weasel. You heard me. point blank if he was out to fuck me. SUE: And he said no! TONY: Of course he said no. You think hes gonna say yes? cut off his own balls before hed say yes. SUE: Have you ever tried being nice to him? TONY: What? SUE: Nice to him. TONY: Nice. Nice to Frank? SUE: Yeah. Buy him lunch. I read somewhere the best way to break the ice is to break bread. Hed How I asked him

THE LOST NATION MORNING SHOW a play TONY: Whos side you on, anyway? SUE: Im on your side. TONY: Check the phone. SUE: What? TONY: I said, check the phone! SUE: Check it for what? TONY: Check to see if its on! SUE: Why wouldnt it be on? TONY: Just do it! SUE: I wanna know why first! TONY: Maybe Frank turned the phone off, OK? call ins. So I cant get any

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SUE: Frank turned the phone off. Frank turned the phone off. That makes a heck of a lot of sense, Tony. Here. Listen for yourself. The phone is fine, humming away, waiting for one of your numerous loyal listeners to ring up. TONY: You fucking Frank? SUE: What?

THE LOST NATION MORNING SHOW a play TONY: You heard me. SUE: Im sorry, Tony. Franks not my type. always get the old married guys. (Long awkward pause. Then) Hes single. I

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SUE: Would you like me to check the phone again? Yeah. You do that, baby. TONY: You go check the phone.

(Song ends. TONY & SUE go back to their mikes. Phone light flashes) TONY: OK. We are back. Itsuhfive minutes to eleven uh clock and I thinkI think we have a call. I do. I do. Maybe its Renata or Aleck. Good morning! Youre on the air with Uncle Tony! Hello? Hello? I guess not. (Sound of phone hanging up) OK. Its not Renata or Aleck. Renata or Aleck wouldve said good morning guys. They would have. Im sorry. SUE: Thats OK. TONY: Its not a good morning. Im off and I shouldnt be and I feel bad. My last day, I should be bright, upbeat, pushing the envelope, saying some stuff theyll remember, doing something outrageous. Butitits just not there. Its not just you. SUE: Were both off.

TONY: Yeah, youre right maybe. When were both up, we feed off each other. ImIm tired anduhI think it has to do with the weatherpartly. And theres another portion that doesnt have to do with the weather. I dont mind telling you, Im in a deep funk. I have thisthis big knot in my stomach and its about the station. Theyre doing everything wrong. Its all a question of visionof

THE LOST NATION MORNING SHOW a play TONY (Cont): directionandand creativity. And leadershipuhyou know how I hate to be the party pooper, but you know, six months from now, someones gonna say, you know, letting Uncle Tony leave was a huge mistake. We shouldda locked him in when we had the chance. Mark my words, heads are gonna roll. OK. Enough. Four minutes before the hour, eighty six degrees, climbing to eighty nine. Top of the hour, world and national news. Ready to get out of here? SUE: Ready, Uncle Tony. (He blows note on a harmonica. TONY & SUE go through exaggerated ritual of tuning their vocal chords) TONY AND SUE: (They sing with more feeling than skill) HEY, PAL OF MINE, ITS PARTING TIME TIME TO SAY SO LONG WELL SEE YOU THEN, SOMETIME AGAIN WITH LOTS OF FUN AND SONG SO YOU ALL COME BACK, WHENEVER AND BRING A FRIEND OR TWO CAUSE YOULL ALL BE MIGHTY WELCOME PARTICULARLY YOU. (SUE rises, stands next to TONY, smiling. He stares ahead, not acknowledging her, playing a CD, fiddling with the board. Finally, she hugs him, kisses his cheek and walks to door, pushes sofa away from door with difficulty and exits. TONY stares straight ahead until shes gone. Finally, he stands, stomps hard on floor and exits with a jaunty grin. Blackout) End

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