Solid Foundations for Saying I Do

The Botanical garden

Chapter 3

As we proceed from self-awareness to love to courtship to questions of marriage, how do you know if your partner is the one? It is important understand upfront what makes marriages last and what breaks them. Sex is just the tip of the iceberg, and if the underlying fundamentals are unstable, you will both come out of the experience unsatisfied (and perhaps divorced). Successful marriages are individual to each couple; there is no way to formulize the perfect marriage, but there are insights that have held true for not only our marriage, but for many of our friends and family members. A Few Insights on Marriage First and foremost: dont marry just for sex. Of course sex plays an important role in enhancing and solidifying the relationship. However, it is important to realize that as a percentage of time in a day or week, the time for sex is comparatively small. Say for example a married couple has sex two to three times a week at eight

minutes a session. Do the math: thats 24 minutes out of a week. The question remains: what are you going to do with the rest of the time? For the daylight hours (or perhaps non-sex hours), your social compatibility, work, interests, and passions will be most definitely play a larger role in establishing the foundational intimacy which makes sex something more than physical. This does not mean you need to have the same interests, but that your values are closely aligned. There will always be differences between two individuals, but the most successful marriages learn to adapt and appreciate difference as something that holds you together rather than keeps your apart. The fundamentals that make marriage last are trust, mutual respect, and appreciation. You enjoy each others company no matter what the circumstances. You can be each others best friend. Youre both committed to your marriage and the institution of marriage. You learn to speak each others language and to listen. You dont have to agree on everything, but hopefully from 55 to 75 percent of the time you can agree on important issues. When you get into an argument, you fight fairly and either resolve your differences or accept difference as non-threatening. Your shared faith and spirituality becomes the glue that holds your marriage together. In a strong marriage, accepting each others vulnerabilities is not an exceptional, but daily activity. One of the greatest gifts you can give your partner is uninterrupted time. Spiritual sex, which is our goal in marriage, takes time. Acknowledging the evolving process of marriage and intimacy privileges the journey rather than the destination.
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Dont try to measure yourself against others. Everyones sex life is intimate, and no one is perfect. Sex statistics do not map to you to the real world. What is successful for you and your spouse is being content with the quality of your sex life. Magazines, movies, and television soaps should not be the barometer by which you measure your sex life. There is no utopia. Imitating what you see on a screen only simulates an experience that should be grounded in your marriage. Youre not going to be bright and cheerful every day, and by extension, each time you have sex. Both you and your spouse may not have the same desire at one time, and that is okay. Remember that it is your life, your scriptwrite it, live it, recreate it. Not every sexual experience results in orgasm, especially for women. Although orgasm can be the high point of sex, it doesnt have to be. Therefore, do not be orgasm-obsessed. Primarily what a guy wants is affirmation. Make him feel hes one in a million. He wants to feel secure. Show your husband how safe you feel with him. He wants to feel strong and accepted. He wants to feel wanted and desirable, so let him know how much you enjoy him. What women want is closely aligned. They too want to feel unique, secure, valued, and admired. Be generous with your compliments, your time, and the attention you give her. Make her the most important person in your life, but most importantly, communicate it. Do not let her feel taken for granted.

From Marriage to Sex Sexual compatibility grows over time rather than instantaneously. As described in Chapter 1, the husband and wife must understand their own sexuality and communicate their sexual understanding to each other. They have to learn to freely share their own sexual responses, so that they can each achieve sexual pleasure and fulfillment together. In order to do this, an open and trusting environment must be present. Judgment of the other persons history or present desires can only harm that environment because the person feels shame or self-consciousness. Even the best sexual techniques will not help you if you are unable to clear the daily mental clutter and noise from the day. We all experience many issues during the day and throughout the weekwhether its paying bills, what happened at work, the kids, not to mention what we daily witness on the news or in our neighborhoods. Before being intimate, hit the pause button, clear your mind, and concentrate on your spouse. This could entail what creative things you may try or the dinner you will have together, for example. The key thing is to turn off all the external and internal noise. External noise is more easily controlled. Turn off the TV, smartphone, the laptop, the iPad, and keep them away from the bedroom. Mentally and physically you want to be present to your spouse. If your mind diverts itself, do your best to press the brakes, and bring your attention back to your spouse. Fidelity starts in the mind.

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One thing people may neglect to consider in terms of sex is sleep deprivation. Loss of sleep is a major cause of stress. Getting enough sleep is an important asset for good health and for an active love life. Furthermore, all the things you know about eating right and exercising factor in. Physical exercise, whether it is cardiovascular or gentle walking, has proven benefits for the mind and body. Guys, if you have a mid-waist bulge, besides being prone to health issues like high blood pressure and diabetes, remember you will not be able to penetrate as well during sex. (How is that for motivation to get fit?) If you are not getting them from your diet, take multi-vitamin supplements and fish oils to get the omega-3 fatty acids. Work your brain by giving it challenges to do, like reading articles on unfamiliar subjects or taking a yoga class. Even simple things like taking a hot bath or shower is another way to relax all the muscles and the mind.

Health is a critical aspect for a strong marriagethink of it as the fertilizer, or the balance of soil chemicals, which keeps organic health intact. Illness, depression, and stress can test any relationship at any stage, so
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encourage good health for both you and your partner. Successful Communication If you can move from trying to satisfy your needs to that of your spouse, you will create one big positive feedback loop. What you deposit in the emotional bank account will pay dividends later. Ask your partner their likes and their dislikes. Even when you know what he or she likes, keep it fresh by changing things around. Although practice makes perfect, if spouses do not respond to feedback, you can get stuck in monotony. If you or your partner has inhibitions about trying out new things, discuss them. By discussing the inhibition straightforwardly, you can work through your issues. Remember everyones background and upbringing is different. For those who come from very conservative backgrounds, many of the ideas discussed may go beyond the edge. Surprisingly, the inhibition could be shared by both partners, which may ease the tension. Be patient and understanding until you are both ready. Share ideas, have fun, and if things fall flat (no pun intended), understand the failures are part of the process. You may discover many things that do not work, in order to find the things that do. Women or men who are potentially shy should feel free to communicate both positives and negatives. For instance, This makes me feel uncomfortable or, Can we try? You can always ask, How can I make this experience better for you? or, You know if you did this, it would drive me wild. From time to time ask, Do you like this? and observe reactions. Ensure that
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these questions are not too forceful. Repeating various questions may interrupt the learning process so be mindful of when and how you phrase a question. Overall, stay relaxed and be honest. Seeds of Insight Good communication also requires your own personal positive reinforcement. Consider reciting the following self-affirmations or mantras: I am a capable person. I am loving and generous. I can cope with whatever life brings because God does not burden a soul more than it can bear. I am relaxed and free of anxiety. I will keep things in perspective and remain openminded. I will balance the pros and the cons, and always seek potential for my actions.