somethings to share with you, maybe you will understand this, it could help in y our own lives: the

sense of being free comes often from inside. it is very rare to have that a fffected drastically. in some cases, yes, freedom is severely limited, and even your mind seems to betray you and hamper your efforts to see the sun. but in th e ordinary lives of many of us, we have our choices. we have to see what is rea lly there. sometimes people lash out when they are in pain. sometimes they say things when they are hurt, or feel hopeless or confused. sometimes it is not even about us . as i write this, i think of a specific situation, and seek understanding for m yself.. but i have to also apply this to the people in my own life. when others do this, do i misunderstand? do i feel that i am responsible? do i feel guilt y or so hurt that even the smallest traces of affection are gone? this has been done to all of us at different times. and you may struggle to tel l people, but it isnt what you think. i am not what you are thinking. i am not your problem, or your burden, and i dont try to take your life away. not the re ason why i get like that. sometimes what is inside is is wounded and very frag ile, very sick, or very empty. and we dont know how to handle it. if i seek forgiveness or comfort or understanding for myself, i have to seek it for others. this must be an imperative with me. because when i think that is what i am inclined to do. i extend the thinking to others. "Well maybe it is t rue for them. maybe this is how others feel" even if i feel selfish in my own p ain or whatever, and i hold on to it, and dont want to see others who have hurt me in the same way i see myself - my kind of thinking demands that i at least re cognize the possibility here. how i judge myself or want to be thought of - i must do for others - or at least make the attempt. but first your own personal pain needs to be taken care of. That can be incendia ry and you cannot hear or see others when this happens. they think you are the worst thing that ever happened to them and you are crying or screaming inside, b ut i never wanted that. i just wanted peace. i just wanted to be forgiven. your feelings can be very complicated, and not have much at all to do with the s ituation that others view incorrectly as the problem long histories - long stories - memories, feelings, wishes, broken pieces, not e asy to explain that you just want to have that peace, that freedom, so you can g rant others their own. when you are depressed, or broken inside, or lost, or you have been hurt in way s you never imagined you could be, you need to be allowed the right to feel thin gs. in private. by yourself. no judgments, no comments, nobody feeling guilty. people can take your feelings and give them a meaning they were never intended to have. somebody can be a like a stop gap, a dam or a bridge, allowing you to hold back the floods, allowing you to cross over the rapids. a gift, a person like this, a gift. and you may find yourself loving them more than you can say. or show. you may find yourself wishing you could feel more than you ever thought your sm all heart could contain. but then again, who told you your heart was so small? did people ever make you feel like that? then dont ever listen. because they dont know you. i have bee n told things like that for a long long time, and i have told myself things like

that, and i have told others that in my pain. so that shit needs to stop. beca use who really knows us that deeply? not even the most sophisticated amazing na no technology can reach a soul or a higher level that knows no words, no thought s. people reveal themselves in their words, choices, actions. of course they do. bu t that cannot be the end of your being. that must only be the surface. only pe ople see like this. they have to, they are here on earth, and all of us on earth just see so much. we can only see so far. if you have ever felt like dying, if you have ever felt like giving up, lying do wn, never waking, dont feel bad about that. it may be a human way to feel, not the best way, but very human at times. keep trying. keep thinking you are like a soldier, like a hero. because you can be in your own way. we all can be. have your feelings, dwell in them - a book i once read - Dark Night of the Soul - by Thomas More - advised us to allow everything, to stay with everything, no matter how bad. dont push these feelings away, dont be ashamed i didnt like the advice, but now i see the value. but i dont want OTHERS to be ashamed, to push the feelings or me away, or say, y ou are a pain, you want something from me. no. just tell them, it is just me. so many feelings i have, so much pain or anger, that may not be about you. if you really know this, if you really are being honest, then they will have to lis ten who am I to take people's freedom away, their choices, their love? if i ever sp eak ill or boldly or angrily in that respect, if i ever step on toes or over bou ndaries, it is because something has happened that still bothers me related to t he situation. something may be there that i see that they cannot see. or will not. and maybe what i see is just as vital, if not more so, just as important, as anyone else's words or visions will ever be. ask, why do you say things? why do you get angry? if you think you have the rig ht reasons, and you can tell people them, then please do so you might not ever get better, but you will get stronger. your words need to be heard. somebody might need to hear them. dont be ashamed . if you think you can matter in this world, or to another person, then show the w orld. show them. dont hold back you may not be taking away love from them or freedom. rather you may be trying t o make them understand what has been taken from you. admittedly not in the best way. listen, you can love a person all you want, some things dont ever change. love is subjective, love can be deaf dumb and blind as well. but just because that i s true, it doesnt wipe out the reality of some things. it doesnt automatically w ipe out responsibility, or what is right and what is wrong. as long as they res pect that. true for me too. love comes disguised as a crazy person - a reject - a person no one wants to hea r. a person no one likes. i feel like i, Angela, have been that person, becaus e i like what i have to say sometimes. i like the way i see things. sharp, but not vicious unless i have to be. clear, but also sentimental enough, and guilty

enough, and vulnerable enough, to cloud my clarity. i like that i speak my mind, i speak it well. my emotional distress and turmoil, have often made me lash out and be unsparing in my choice of words. but you hav e to put this in the context of an ongoing very unhealthy strange situation that has the potential to devastate or at least seriously confound on many levels. either way, i realize this would be angel of a child, who longed to be loveable and sweet, may have a sharp tongue and a sharp mind at times, along with a temp er, that may say what needs to be revealed. that may finally be getting heard if i ever want to leave and rest in God's arms forever - let me. if i ever feel dark and ugly and brutal - let me. if i ever push people away or get awful and crabby with them - let me. i feel the awful effects of cruelty - subtle, but als o obvious - i see it around me - how even the best people, the most normal ones - can be blind and almost heartless. and here i am, trying to deal with my own cruelty. my own heartlessness,my own blindness, my own lack of emotion. and so it remains all around. love cant break through, nothing seems to help. you feel the overwhelming need for power, control, over your own life, over circumstance s, over everything, because you know what it feels like to have virtually none. and you feel the rage, the total enveloping darkness and blindness, actually, o f knowing you cannot have that. you will not have that. and it becomes all con suming. one definition of hell. You start out one way, and then look back. how did things get so bad? oh slowl y. very slowly. with intentions that were not at all devious. when people spea k too much negative about you, tell them, as I did, speak the positive. there wa s positive. there is even now. you just have to pay attention to it. if i feel i still have life or hope or value - i will not give up trying to let you know or see. any of you. i think i am better in some ways, worse in others . now. but therein lies my gift. how do i show it? how do i polish it up? the worst may even be part of the best down the line. dont believe everything people say. if you need to know, go to the source. to a person who does not lie easily or well. you will get the answers you need. ask the one they are putting down. ask the one they are calling names. see what t hey have to say. and then know you dont have to know. no one does. it is thei r life and they need to live it without interference. as long as you know, you are free to ask or not i am prouder now, i hold my head up, strangely enough. but i am also more aware of much that can be considered shameful. yet it will not kill me. not that. if i go to my grave, it will not be for what others called shameful. but i am ve ry aware of humiliation the way others see it, and see me. very few things can redeem a person who is so broken, or has been damaged, or dr agged through a process of sorts. i know of only a few things. God willing, th ey will be mine. and my redemption will be at hand first, though, he has to be willing thanks for reading this long long essay. i like it very much, wrote it off the t op of my head before signing off. very sleepy, but i may not be able to sleep. i will write more in the future!