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metabolically abled. An Immigrant - a newcomer Assassination - involuntary term limitation Bald - comb-free Bald - folically independent Bald - follicularly challenged. Battle Fatigued - shellshocked Blind - optically darker Blind - photonically non-receptive Blind - visually challenged Body Odor - nondiscretionary fragrance. Broken Down Automobile - mechanically challenged Broken Home - Dysfunctional Family Bum - Displaced Homeowner Bum - Homeless Person Bum - Involuntarily Domiciled Cannibalism - Intra-Species Dining Censorship - Selective Speech Cheating - Academic Dishonesty China - Porcelain Chronically Late - Temporarily Challenged Clumsy - uniquely coordinated Commercial Fisherman - Flipper Whipper Computer Illiterate - Technologically Challenged Corpse - Permanently Static Post-Human Mass Corpse / Stiff - Metabolically Challenged Corpse / Stiff - Terminally Inconvenienced Cowardly - Challenge Challenged Cowboys - bovine control officers Crackpot - certified astrological consultant, certified crystal therapist, or certified past-life regression hypnotist Crime Rate - street activity index Dead - Actuarially Mature Dead - biologically challenged Dead - environmentally correct human Dead - living impaired Dead - metabolically challenged Dead - persons living with entropy Deaf - Visually Oriented Delicatessen - Corpse Farm Dirty Old Man - sexually focused chronologically gifted individual Dish Washer - utensil sanitizer Dishonest - Ethically disoriented. Dorm - Residence Hall Drooling Drunk Idiot - person on floor Drowning - aquatically challenged Drug Addict - Chemically Challenged Drunk - spacially perplexed Drunk / Junkie - in recovery Earthquake - geological correction
Fail - achieve a deficiency. Fat - Differently Weighted Fat - gravitationally challenged Fat - horizontally challenged. Fat - horizontally gifted Fat - People of Mass Fat - person of substance Fictional / Mythological - ontologically challenged Freshman - first-year student Frog - amphibian American Full of Crap - fecally plenary Gang - Youth Group Garbage Man - sanitation engineer Gas Station Attendent - petroleum transfer technician Geek, Nerd, whatever... - socially challenged Ghetto / Barrio - Ethnically Homogenous Area Hamburger - Seared Mutilated Animal Flesh Handicapped - Differently Abled, Handi-Capable Having PMS - cyclically challenged Hearing Person - temporarily aurally abled Homeless - outdoor urban dwellers Homeless - residentially flexible Homelessness - Mortgage-Free Living Housebroken - Family Disfunction Housewife - domestic engineer Hunter - Animal Assassin Hunter - Bambi Butcher Hunter - Meat Mercenary Ignorant - factually unencumbered Ignorant - knowledge-based nonpossessor. Incompetent - Differently Qualified Incompetent - Specially Skilled Incompetent - Uniquely Proficient Insane People - Mental Explorers Insane People - Selectively Perceptive Insult - Emotional Rape Janitor - sanitation engineer Klutz - kinesthetically challenged Large Nose - nasally gifted Lazy - motivationally dispossessed Lazy - motivationally deficient. Learning Disability - Self-Paced Cognitive Ability Library - Educational Resource Center Logger - Wood Weasel Logger - Paper Pirate Logger -Treeslayer Loser - Second Place Loser - uniquely fortuned individual on an alternative career path Man-hole - maintenance hole Mankind - humankind MANkind, HuMAN, PerSON - Earth Children Mercy Killing - Euthanasia Mercy Killing - Putting Down/To Sleep/Out of Misery Messy - differently organized Meter Maid - Parking enforcer
Midget / Dwarf - Little People Midget / Dwarf - Vertically Challenged Mute/Dumb - verbally challenged Not with somebody at the moment - romantically challenged Off - energy-efficient Old - chronologically gifted Old Person / Elderly - Gerontologically Advanced Old Person / Elderly - Senior Citizens Panhandler - Unaffiliated applicant for private-sector funding. Paper Bag - processed tree carcass Perverted - Sexually dysfunctional. Pimp-mobile / Low-rider - Culturally Responsive Transportation Option Plagiarism - Previously Owned Prose Po' - financially inept Policeman, Policewoman - law inforcement officer Poor - economically marginalized Poor - Economically Unprepared Poor - monetarily challenged Postman - letter carrier Pregnant - parasitically oppressed. Prisoner - client of the correctional system Prostitute - sex care provider Psychobabble - constructivist feminist psychotherapy Psychopath - socially misaligned Racist - genetically discriminating Really Big Nosed - nasally disadvantaged Redneck - person of region Redneck - rustically inclined Refugees - asylum seekers Road Kill - Vehicularly Compressed Maladapted Life Form Rudeness - Tact Avoidance Runny Nose - nasally gifted Senile Bag o' Bones - Alzheimer's Victim Serial-Killer - Person with difficult-to-meet needs. Shoplifter - Cost-of-Living Adjustment Specialist Short - vertically challenged Sighted Person - temporarily visually abled Slum - Economic Oppression Zone Slut - suffering from a sex addiction (female) Someone who has no other reason to park in a handicapped zone - morally handicapped Spendthrift - negative saver. Stained - creatively re-dyed Steward, Stewardess - flight attendant Stoned - Chemically inconvenienced. Stud - suffering from a sex addiction (male) Stupid - differently-brained Stupid - intellectually impaired The Elderly - Senior citizens Thin - horizontally challenged Thirsty - osmotically challenged Tone Deaf - musically delayed Too old/young - other aged Too Tall - people of height
Tree-Hugger - environmental activist Trees - Oxygen Exchange Units Ugly - aesthetically challenged Ugly - Cosmetically different. Ugly - facially challenged Unemployed - Involuntarily leisured. Used Books - Recycled Books Vagrant - Nonspecifically destinationed individual. Vegetable - noble unconscious hero Vice President - Post-Coronary Leader of the Free World Vocal Minority - target equity group Vomiting - Unplanned Reexamination of Recent Food Choices Waiter, Waitress - food server War-Monger - Peacekeeper, patriot Welfare Bum - economically disadvantaged Whaler - Blubber Lover White - melanin-impoverished White American - racially challenged White Boy - rhythmically challenged White Trash - caucasian culturally-disadvantaged Wife - unpaid sex slave Worst - least best. Wrong - differently logical.
She is not a bad driver, she is automotively challenged. She is not A Gossip, She is a Verbal Terminator She is not a gossip, she is a verbal terminator. She is not a Perfect 10, she is numerically superior. She is not cold or frigid, she is thermally incompatible. She is not easy, she is horizontally accessible. She is not hooked on soap operas, she is melodramatically fixated. She is not too skinny, she is skeletally prominent. She will never gain weight, she will become a metabolic underachiever. You do not ask her to dance, you request a precoital rhythmic experience.
No one fails a class any more, he's merely "passing impaired." You don't have detention, you're just one of the "exit delayed." Your bedroom isn't cluttered, it's just "passage restrictive." These days, a student isn't lazy. He's "energetically declined." Your locker isn't overflowing with junk, it's just "closure prohibitive." Kids don't get grounded any more. They merely "hit social speed bumps." Your homework isn't missing, it's just having an "out-ofnotebook experience." You're not sleeping in class, you're "rationing consciousness." You're not late, you just have a "rescheduled arrival time." You're not having a bad hair day, you're suffering from "rebellious follicle syndrome." You don't have smelly gym socks, you have "odor-retentive athletic footwear." No one's tall anymore. He's "vertically enhanced." You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective." You don't talk a lot. You're just "abundantly verbal." You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations." It's not called gossip any more. It's "the speedy transmission of near-factual information." The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's "digestively challenged."
"Unenlightened." And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows, Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation, Demanding millions in over-due compensation. So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife, Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life, Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz, Demanding from now on her title was Ms. And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion That making a choice could cause so much commotion. Nothing of leather, nothing of fur, Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her. Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing that might be construed to pollute. to aim. Nothing to shoot. that clamored or made lots of noise. for just girls. Or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific. Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific. No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth. Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth. And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden, Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden. For they raised the hackles of those psychological Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological. No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt; Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt. Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe; And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away. So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next. He tried to be merry, tried to be gay, you've got to be careful with that word today. His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground; Nothing fully acceptable was to be found. Something special was needed, a gift that he might Give to all without angering the left or the right. A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision, Each group of people, every religion; Every ethnicity, every hue, Everyone, everywhere...even you. So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth... "May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth." Notice: This poem is copyright 1992 by Harvey Ehrlich. It is free to distribute, without changes, as long as this notice remains intact. All follow-ups, requests, comments, questions, distribution rights, etc should be made to mduhan@husc.harvard.edu . Happy Holidays!
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