13 Bacon Faire

Lets return to that ancient civilization I referred to last time. Back then, a man and a woman really had to work hard for their food. The hunters had to ambush creatures of monstrous size and savor every scrap of meat they could collect. They developed a fondness for the sweet and salty skin as well as the fatty chunks of the underbelly. They learned to cure the fat into strips like jerky and for centuries this hearty recipe became the irresistible cocaine of mankind until cocaine was discovered. Hundreds of thousands of years later, the plebeians of Lake Sulfer would gather to celebrate the capillary-clogging treat of their primitive ancestors in an annual ritual sponsored by twelve different beer companies. Darubelle found herself in a Wonderland of cholesterol. She ran from booth to booth, collecting free smells and free samples. She preferred the sweeter things and found there was no shortage: honey-glazed bacon, sweet and sour bacon, sugarcoated bacon strips, Twinkies wrapped in bacon, and even a bacon parfait. She bought an order of chocolate covered bacon. She marveled in the fine creations of bacon-wrapped cheese balls, bacon fondue, bacon-infused peanut butter, and the popular bacon flavored vodka. There was even a baconabsinthe. She didnt like this as much as she thought she would, but you could blame that on the lack of wormwood. She sat beside a stage and listened to the Big Bad Bacon Band, wondering if the Bacon Brothers were present at the event. They were not. With that trademark scowl on her face, Kraken stared out the window, not eyeing anything particular, but absorbing the landscape as a whole. She began to doubt her decision to go inland and felt immensely uncomfortable in this strangers van. She didnt have a memory beyond a few hours ago when she had been awoken on the beach. She couldnt remember if she had ever been in an automobile. The rocking and swaying of the van made her ill. Her body didnt like

it. She swung open the passenger-side door and puked onto the street. Particles of shark and eel spewed from her digestive tract. When she had opened the door, she had actually struck a pedestrian who fell to the ground and gotten subsequently covered in fishy vomit. That pedestrian thought he was having a bad day before. His Internet was down and he couldnt play his online game to help defend his virtual castle. Now that he had been smashed by a car door and vomited on, his problems were put into perspective. You feel better? the Obscure asked. No, said Kraken slamming the door. Were almost there. Ill buy you a ball of bacon wrapped in bacon. How does that sound? Why are you serving me? asked Kraken. How do you benefit? As a man, there is something compelling about helping a sexy, unconscious woman you find the beach. So you want to propagate with me? Is that your aim? Not really. Especially not after watching you throw-up what looked like a snake. If it puts your mind at ease, I just think that the two of us have something to gain from the other. He sniffed the air. Something smelled like a dead longshoreman. Then he noticed that Krakens seaweed gown was laced with barnacles and tiny crabs. Before I take you anywhere, Ive got to get you real clothes. At first, Kraken didnt want to be sidetracked on her quest for meat, but the promise of garments appealed to her. She liked the idea of blending in with the crowd, camouflaging herself amongst the throngs of these natives. She had the briefest mental image of herself sprawled amongst a pile of rocks, her skin painted the same color as the gravel. The Obscure spotted a consignment store ahead and pulled into the parking lot. He went to the passenger side and opened the door, expecting her to put up a fight, but she came willingly and actually led the way inside.

The store was cramped and bloated with second and third-hand clothing, leather shoes with peeling soles, and coats and dresses that would feel more at home thirty years ago. Kraken rifled through the stacks and piles. The storekeeper came to greet them, a lopsided smile on her face, but she stopped when she saw the insane, barefooted woman in the hideous gown rubbing her face on a leather coat. I like the texture of this garment, Kraken said to the Obscure. Alright, its completely the wrong season for a leather coat, but if you like it then Ill get it for you. That coat is actually on sale because its out of season, said the shopkeeper mustering her courage and approaching the two. Thats good to know, said the Obscure. Now we just need the rest of the outfit. Do you have any dresses? The bluesman figured Kraken would be comfortable in something similar to what she was wearing. Yes, this way, said the shopkeeper leading them to a rack against the wall. Thats a very interesting piece youre wearing, maam. This one, said Kraken immediately holding up a slate-gray sundress adorned with lace. She noticed that a lot of the women walking around town were wearing lacey blouses and skirts. It was the style of the season. Alright, youre also going to need shoes, said the Obscure. Something leather perhaps? Yes. Leather. What size are you, maam? asked the shopkeeper. Size? Shoe size. I dont think she knows, said the Obscure. Shes got a head like an empty kettle. You got one of those little metal foot-measuring device things? Yes, sir, let me help you with that, said the shopkeeper. She got the little metal foot-measuring device thing and placed it before the female customer. She

was terrified of actually touching the insane-looking woman with skin like a corpse. Ms, if you could place your foot here Misunderstanding her directions, Kraken stomped the measuring device, causing the woman to shriek and fall backward. The Obscure pulled the shopkeeper back up and brushed her off. Come on, Kraken, havent you ever gone shoe shopping? Kraken? asked the shopkeeper astonished. Ive never heard such a name. Its biblical, said the Obscure. The old woman took the beautiful sea-hags measurement and directed her to the proper shoe section. Kraken browsed, not by sight, but by touch. She ran her fingers over a pair of tall leather German boots, the kind a teenage girl would wear to a hardcore punk concert. She put them on and laced them up. These, said Kraken admiring the feel of the leather against her flesh. It reminded her of something she couldnt quite recall. Perhaps a past life when her skin was coated in scales. The Obscure paid the shopkeeper as Kraken ripped off her gown and got dressed in the middle of the store. The old womans jaw fell open, but the Obscure just advised her not to worry. Your girlfriend has some strange tendencies. Uh she just got out of the institution, said the Obscure. Oh dear, really? Well no, I just found her washed up on the beach this morning. The woman thought this was a joke and smiled that lop-sided grin of hers. Fully dressed, Kraken led the Obscure back to the van. First, though, the Obscure took the old seaweed gown and threw it in a trashcan at the side of the building. As he got into the van, Kraken grabbed his collar and pulled him close to her mouth. Bacon, she hissed. Hold on, said the Obscure pushing her off, almost punching her. 5

He retraced the roads he had taken from Lake Sufer and found the barricaded street with the booths and pavilions. He parked in a nearby lot and had barely locked his door when he realized that Kraken was already gone. He looked up and down the parking lot and spotted her in the distance, disappearing into the festival crowd. He ran to catch up, but lost sight of her. Kraken had never been around this many humans. In fact, she couldnt remember the last time she had been in a crowd. It was an odd, uncomfortable feeling. She could sense the body heat radiating from the individuals she passed as though they continuously rubbed their fleshy, furry abdomens against her. She had no attraction to these mammalian bodies and would have thrown up if she had anything in her stomach. She took her mind off the crowd and focused on the food. She approached the nearest booth and demanded bacon. You want bacon? asked the booth owner with a toothy smile. Then you sure are in the right place. Want to try a sample of our home-smoked strips? Sample? said Kraken. I have no money. Give me what is free. The mans smile vanished from his face. Yes maam, he said handing her a toothpick with a meaty shard on the tip. This is our award-winning home-smoked recipe. When you get money, you should come on back and buy yourself a pack or two. She gobbled the pig fat and grinned. She no longer regretted leaving the beach. She went to find more. Youre welcome, said the man under his breath. The next booth she visited was Greasy Willies Down South Emporium (a division of Chemical Global). The bucktoothed salesman called to her as she approached. Now you look like a girl who likes her bacon, he said. Care to try a taste of my meat strips? Give me what is free, said Kraken. She thought this was the customary way of asking for free samples.

Take your pick, he said holding up a serving trey. Or try all three. Let me suggest the chipotle bacon if you like it spicy, and try the cool ranch if you need to stifle the spice. All the bacon was the same but treated with various experimental chemicals infused with different flavors. Three months later, the government would find that the chemicals were carcinogenic, but Chemical Global would change the recipe immediately and deny to the public that they had ever used those questionable ingredients. This didnt stop Kraken from enjoying the treat. She took a handful of bacon indiscriminately and began shoving it into her mouth like a backhoe filling a ditch. Ooh, you sure like your bacon, said the man. How about I go on my lunch break and I can show you around these booths? No, said Kraken. Its all for me. She walked off leaving the man perplexed. She then went to a table where a toothless forty-year old man cooked bacon on a greasy, black hotplate. Hey, welcome to my kitchen, said the man leering at her openly. Take a sample of what Im cooking. He held a paper plate up to her, and she took a handful of the brown strips, consuming them hungrily. The not-very-old man smiled. You like it? Have some more. She took some more as he picked a strip off the hot plate with his bare fingers. I dont see many young ladies who like bacon. Ladies as pretty as you anyways. They all eat their salads. They go vegetarian. Its disgusting. But you I could get used to you. He held the bacon strip up to her. She reached to take it, but he drew his hand back. Nah-ah, allow me, he said holding the bacon to her lips. Slowly she leaned forward to accept it, and he got really excited. Then, like a cutthroat crocodile she snapped the bacon from his hand, biting off a piece of his finger in the process. He shrieked as blood gushed from the missing chunk of skin. He wrapped it in a wad of napkins and pressed. When he looked up, the woman was gone, having moved on to the next booth. He shook his head in 7

disbelief. It would be another year before he talked to another woman. Then hed die of cancer from eating too much Chemical Global bacon products. Kraken had her fill, and now she wanted to sit for a moment. She strolled along the road and edged her way around the audience assembled before the Big Bad Bacon Band. She sat on the curb beside the stage and rubbed her stomach. Along the curb sat a girl in bright clothing, munching away at a plate of chocolate-covered bacon. The young woman in the tri-corner hat glanced at her a few times before finally speaking. I like your shoes, said Darubelle. Would you like some coco-bacon? Kraken didnt answer but took a strip from the plate. Chocolate sauce dripped from the meat in oozing drops. She had never tried anything like it. In fairness, few people outside the realm of freakish eating actually have. I like this, said Kraken after eating the offering. Would you like the rest? I cant finish it. Kraken snatched the plate away and began eating. Darubelle smiled and turned to listen to the music. While shoving the chocolate meat into her jaws, Kraken realized that this was the first person who had given her something without expecting something back. An urge sizzled in the deep wiring of her unfamiliar human brain: a feeling that dominated every chemical in her conscious mind. She quickly developed the need to say a certain phrase typical of any descent human being. Thank you, she said and then went back to eating. Daru turned to her, brimming with that spirited cheer thats like nails on a chalkboard to me. I think this place is great, said Daru. I never thought of myself as a fan of bacon, but being here amongst all the people who celebrate it, I cant help but get swept up in the moment. It pleases me, said Kraken deciding that Daru was a decent person to stay close to. My name is Darubelle, but you can call be Daru for short. Kraken. 8

What? Oh, thats your name. Kraken. Wow, I really like that! The dark-haired sea creature didnt respond. The combination of sweet and savory began to take hold of her. Nutritionists will warn you that bacon contains neurochemical components that make the product absolutely addictive and overwhelmingly appetizing. This will make any common person eat more bacon. For a common person with the instinct of a sea monster, though, the appetite becomes too much to handle. After finishing the meaty desert, Kraken threw down the plate and went charging for more. Daru followed her. Hey, do you want to check out the rest of the fair together? she asked, but Kraken was in the process of pushing her way through the crowd. Meanwhile, the Obscure, who had been searching the entire street for his two companions, stopped to watch the Big Bad Bacon Band. He thought they were terrible, bland festival music that could barely be considered rock or blues. Sure they had the components of a rock / blues band, but they did nothing with it, becoming a dull paste of ordinariness. The crowd liked it well enough, and this fact enraged the Obscure who believed that he should have been the one on stage. Then the crowd erupted with commotion. A dark-haired woman was pushing people away as though attempting to cause a riot. In actuality, she was just trying to clear a path for herself. One man got knocked into another who spilled his bacon beer onto the girlfriend of another guy. This was the recipe for a brawl. Kraken broke through the crowd, getting a beer bottle thrown at the back of her head. It shattered, but she didnt care. She spotted the coco-bacon booth. The Obscure noticed Daru stuck in the mass of squabbling idiots and hurried to save her. In the crowd, an elephant of a man saw Daru and, realizing his opportunity, took a quick grab of her butt. Who would notice? Daru noticed. She turned to him. Before he could utter an apology or claim it was an accident, she had grabbed his hand and snapped his ring and index fingers backward with a cacophonous crunch like burnt bacon. This is one of the

few instances where I kind of like her. The man howled and fell back, crushing an angry dwarf. Daru saw the Obscure and ran to him. The Obscure, there you are! Weve got to find my new friend. She just went crazy all of the sudden. You know Kraken? I know Kraken. I just picked her up this morning. There she is, at that coco booth. Oh no, shes not well. Kraken, having been refused another free sample, had ripped the streamers and signs off the booth and flipped the cashiers table. She climbed over the wreckage, pushed away the cook, and began to eat the chocolatecovered bacon, the caramel-covered bacon, the bacon drizzled with raspberry glaze, but not the coconut bacon. That sounded gross. A security guard, a former Marine in a yellow T-shirt, took notice of the situation and ran to subdue the crazy woman. You know those video clips of Black Friday shopping days? You know the ones of women slapping and biting each other? You know how local news stations broadcast these clips and then make sexist comments about women? Thats nothing compared to a woman with the soul of sea beast, being obstructed from her meal. The security guard grabbed her by her shoulders and attempted to drag her to the ground, but she broke out of his grip and lifted him over her head. The Obscure and Darubelle stopped and watched as she body-slammed the guy onto the preparation table, shattering it. Another security guard rushed to tackle her, but she threw him into the neighboring booth: the whole structure falling apart and collapsing. The Obscure spotted a pair of policemen in the distance, hurrying to the scene. We should get out of here, said the Obscure, pointing to the cops. Daru nodded. The two of them ran to either side of Kraken and attempted to pull her away, but she shoved them off. Daru wouldnt be disheartened. Come on, Kraken, lets go with the Obscure. Its not safe here. Kraken just stared at her blankly, hungrily. Dont just stand there. Lets go. Trust us. We want to help you. 10

Yeah, called the Obscure. I dont know why, but we have the urge to help you. So are you coming? Kraken, a creature who knew only solitude and self-satiation, felt a new sensation that traveled the distance from her brain to her chest cavity where a complex series of muscles pumped oxygenized blood throughout the body. She dropped the bacon tray and followed the Obscure and Darubelle. The trio fled the scene and ran across the parking lot, diving into the stolen van. The Obscure drove to the suburbs and then realized that Kraken was still with them, sitting in the back of the van. Is there somewhere I can drop you off? he asked. I can return you to the beach. Kraken considered this. She didnt know where she came from or why she would be anywhere, but in the span of two hours, she had found clothing, food, and companionship with these two lowly creatures. I have no home, she said finally. Homeless huh? said the Obscure. Would you like to travel with us? said Daru. Please, the Obscure, let her travel with us. She can go wherever she wants, said the Obscure. If she wants to follow me around, then Im not going to stop her. Then I will stay with the two of you, said Kraken. It will please me. Daru beamed and the Obscure nodded nonchalantly. He didnt crave friendship, but he didnt despise company. For him, companions had their costs and their benefits, but the advantages far outweighed the consequences. But where are we going? Were going to the circus, said the Obscure. That night, they had salads for dinner.* Demon Bluesman by Anthony Sotelo is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 Unported License. Permissions beyond the scope of this license may be available at http://theobscureshow.blogspot.com/
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