SIMPLY THE BEST

Etiquettes

CONTENTS

1.

Etiquettes for our Ladies

2.

Discipline and Interpersonal Relations

3.

Communicating

12

4.

The Frequent Solecisms

16

5.

On the Move

19

6.

The Social Scene

20

7.

Hosts of Problems

23

8.

Apparel

25

9.

Officers Mess

26

10.

Conclusion

29

2 ETIQUETTE FOR OUR LADIES

The section on Informal Guidelines has been extracted from an address given by Lt Gen Baldev Singh, Commandant DSSC to the wives of student officers of Staff Collage Course in 1996. Informal Guidelines The present generation of girls, particularly from the Services, is not mere housewives. They are independent, self-assured self confident, savvy and quite often manage a career apart from running their homes, both with equal competence and efficiency. They can handle awkward situations confidently, whether these relate to grief, trauma, separation (when their husbands are posted to field areas or are away on manoeuvres) or when handling the proverbially mother-in-law. Todays woman is not a decorative, one dimensional person, whose life revolves merely around dressing, make-up, kitty parties, gossip and small talk, Quite to the contrary, the girl today is moving shoulder to shoulder with her man (sometimes even ahead) and aware of what is happening both nationally as well as internationally. She brings up her children very well indeed; in fact much better than what the previous generation could do. Small wonder then that Service wives have produced accomplished high level achievers such as Priyanka Chopra, Sushmita Sen, Manpreet Brar and so on. Notwithstanding the above, it is also true that the present generation of service wives is not very much attuned to the social customs and traditions, particularly their obligations to the Defence Services and yet we claim that in the Services, we are a family. Ignorance on the part of service wives wrt Defence Services customs, traditions, and obligations leads to avoidable tension, which often extends to their husbands. This discord and inability to pull together, lead to lack of social cohesion in units, which in turn results in disharmony, to say the least. In any unit, formation headquarters or station where there are problems, when you get down to the grass root level, you find that the ladies in the unit, formation headquarters or station did not pull together and that had its fall-out amongst the officers also. This brings us to an interesting conclusion, whenever the ladies pull along together, that establishment or station has no problems. Obviously therefore, one of the most important aims of any unit must be to reach, rather, share with ladies how they should conduct themselves graciously and with harmony not only amongst themselves but also while interacting with the wives of Junior and Non Commissioned Officers and Other Ranks or their equivalents in the Navy and Air Force. Respect to age, service and rank is absolutely necessary; as necessary between Service wives as it is in interacting with the elder members of your own family at home. There is often a debate going on endlessly in many units, formations and stations, on whether ladies should get up at a function when a senior lady enters. Should the younger ladies get up when the Field Marshal, Chiefs of Army, Navy or Air Staff or even the brigade commander or officers of equivalent rank in the Navy or Air Force come to talk to them? Such debates have always been inconclusive. The answer lies with us and perhaps gets obscured because it is so obvious. We have a unique and continuous social culture going back thousands

3 of years in which respect for elders is inextricably woven. If you can get up at home to welcome your elder aunt or your mothers friend or grandpa, there is no lack of social grace in doing the same in the Services, which is your acquired home. If however, you do not indulge in such niceties of social conduct in your own home, there is no compulsion or requirement for doing so in your acquired home. The answer to the vexed debate is, therefore as simple as that. Golden Principal Number 1 When you are commanding/ senior officers wife, create a happy healthy environment in the unit, formation or establishment. Your husbands problems will be halved. Golden Principal Number 2 Learn to live with your senior officers wife. Each person has her own characteristics. On the other side, learn to be magnanimous with your younger ladies. Golden Principal Number 3 Communicate with, rather than talk behind the back of your senior officers wife. Golden Principal Number 4 As a commanding officers wife, avoid playing favorites. Golden Principal Number 5 Do not live in a self-siege-syndrome that is by harboring a perception centered on the choking feeling: I am besieged from all directions. Golden Principal Number 6 Do not create tensions when you visit a lower unit formation or establishment. Golden Principal Number 7 Learn to take supersession within your stride. Destiny has a lot to do with it! Golden Principal Number 8 Always carry a smile on your face and display a warm heart. Avoid a stiffnecked approach. A hug from a senior lady can convey a lot to the younger lady.

4 Rising to the Occasion Conversing with a Gentleman. If a gentleman saunters over to speak to a lady, who is seated, he should preferably pull a chair himself, if there is no place vacant next to the lady. If the talk goes beyond greetings and pleasantries and the gent has no place to sit, it is nice and kind of the lady to get up and join him. If an Invitee. Arise only for the Head of State or the National Anthem and when you get cramps. As Hostess or Co Hostess (in the Mess). The best is what you would do at home to any personal guest! If a lady guest comes in or is led to a lady from the unit hosting the function, who is seated, the latter should rise not only out of deference for age but, with the motive of making the former feel comfortable and welcome. The best tip of course, is not to settle down at all, till after the guests have arrived. This automatically take care of a situation, besides not letting the usual ladies island form up too early in the evening. Please reflect over the word Co-hostess carefully and willingly go and shoulder the looking after chores with the rest. Welfare Meet/ Ladies Club. Once again the best tip is to stand around, if practical, till the first lady arrives. She on her part must be on time and not keep the ladies waiting, or standing. If, however, some ladies have had to sit down earlier, it is best and safest to follow the dictates of upbringing, conscience and good taste and the vital need to have an easy and friendly atmosphere in a ladies gathering. The trouble begins when a small (but increasing) number of senior wives tend to behave like junior officers. Ladies at times, don their husbands ranks, albeit invisibly. Husbands need to be aware and correct this. Husbands Rank It is as incumbent on a senior wife not to bring in the husbands rank, as is important for a junior wife to appreciate the fact. Neither should be overtly aware of the difference, while tacitly accepting it with cordiality. Due consideration for age, the overriding need for mutual respect and friendly atmosphere are the keys to success. Whats in a Name? Among wives the use of first names depends almost entirely on the age difference, earlier association and the extant and depth of the interaction. The safest bet is to begin with Mrs. and wait for a positive clue to change lanes. While addressing officers, almost identical rules apply. The alternative to first name in other case is rank only or rank and last name similar to Mr. Gupta in civvy street but not the appointment. Ladies (except officers) never Sir a senior officer. Madam should be used only when talking to ones school teacher, the Queen or a high dignitary. Mrs. is a very safe and correct bet at all levels among service wives.

5 The opening Salvo. It is not against regulations for a lady to greet a gentleman first; if they are known to each other. It is also a nice and kind gesture (and a great help to break the ice as also to ensure even mingling) if a lady or a couple of them walk up to a gentleman or a group of them, who they know well, and strike a conversation at parties etc. Whom God Has Put Together A determined bid by a few enlightened and enterprising couples to either stick together or to discourage the formation of ladies circles has always been the saving grace of a successful get-together. Neither the peel-off immediately on entry nor their inability/unwillingness to make small talk with ladies does officers much good in the social context. The few (very few, unfortunately) wives who either understand this or have been correctly explained the need by their husbands, stand out as shining beacons. They may not be aware, but theirs is an extremely valuable and exemplary contribution to the community life in a cantonment. It is noticeable and such wives and couples are absolute assets, socially. Here Comes the Bride For many young wives, their arrival, in a cantonment on marriage, is their first exposure to the Services. Having come from varying backgrounds, they can get to know the right thing either by trial-and error, observing one thing-at-a-time or they can be methodically explained/tutored by their husbands. In practice, however what works best is a combination of all the above, with an added dollop of correct advice by wives, who have been around longer. Up the ladder the wife can play a very constructive role, first socially and then semi-officially, in any milieu. This needs to be properly understood, discreetly underplayed and carefully overseen by husbands. The Limousine Bee Line Like a senior husband the senior wives also enter a service car through the left rear door, when riding alone or when accompanied by another lady. The other lady must enter the car through the right rear door. She neither forms a beeline behind the first lady nor quickly enters the car ahead of her and then slides across. However, when accompanied by a commissioned officer, a lady always enters the car through the right rear door held open by the driver, irrespective of that officers seniority, unless the lady is going to be ceremonially received/met when she alights at the other end. On a practical and pragmatic level, you will, however, do well to remember that discretion is the better part of velour and not contest the issue beyond a point. Wives and the Army Act A needless and meaningless debate that occurs now and again; the point is not whether the wife is subject to the Army Act but whether she is an integral part of the Army. And that she indeed is, from the moment she married an officer and gentleman and was carried across the threshold. For a body of folk to be a

6 community, there have to be some ground rules and some obvious benefits. What mostly happens is that the former get questioned, while the latter get taken for granted. A wifes Service obligations flow only from and are a function only of her community membership. There is a colossal lot she can do socially and semiofficially to better the quality of our lives in a unit/cantonment.

7 ETIQUETTE: OFFICERS DISCIPLINE AND INTERPERSONAL RELATIONS Discipline and conditioned responses are the bedrock of the Army and this is what separates us from the chattering classes. There is nothing human about the treatment received in the early stage, as discipline must be taught first the hard way. It is a fatal folly to substitute buddy-buddy human relations and other attractive management techniques for rigorous, early discipline. Mellowness and directive control come only over the years and with much experience. Auto Code Car Entry. In cars, the senior sits in the left of the rear seat. He is the first to enter and the first to leave. If asked to join your senior who is already seated, enter through the right door and do not sail over his feet. When a couple enters a car the right rear door must be held open for the lady to enter, so that she has a cue on what to do. She doesnt get in from the left and then crab side wards. Jeep/ Gypsy. In light utility vehicles, ladies and children sit in the body of the vehicles, with the officer in the co-drivers seat. Liaison Officer. The liaison officer, no matter how junior, has his rightful place in the car (when there is no other senior or a lady accompanying the VIP/ dignitary) in the rear and not in front. Your diffidence, humility or reverence have nothing to do with your opting to sit on the front seat - your ignorance, lack of confidence and absence of poise do. Although most VIPs/ladies themselves invite the LO to join him/her at the rear, dont count on that invitation. Boldly and politely request if you could do that. Open Door Policy. In official work situations, the car door for the arriving or departing dignitary/ senior officer is never opened or shut by an officer. Have an NCO/OR ready for this, if really necessary, for senior citizens & ladies. Smoking. As regards taking off your headgear and smoking when being driven in a service transport, they are both NO; take your cue from the driver. Walking in Step. Men in uniform always walk in step, the junior on the left. Adjust your stride to your seniors and he will meet you half way. Lead the way. When showing a senior visitor around, lead the way. He does not know which way to go and what to see. Punctuality Use your watch to reach five minutes before you are due, instead of being late. Be sure you never make anyone wait for you either at work or at play or at parties- private/official. Send word if you are held up, unavoidably. The adage, punctuality is the virtue of Royalty, is in fact universally applicable.

8 Nicknames When referring to your subordinate or your senior, call them by their rank and last names. In the first case, your senior may not know who good old Joe is; in the second, he may not relish the idea of your knowing his superior so intimately. JCOs Prestige Do not call a JCO only by his last name. If you are personally close enough to him, call him by his first name along with the suffix Sahab, otherwise use his rank and last name. He is proud of the fact that he is a JCO. Chewing This should not even require a comment but, unfortunately, it does. Do not chew supari, gum, paan or tobacco, in uniform in public places or in a seniors presence. Lounging in Uniform Either walk, stand, or sit. Dont lounge around when in uniform. Also wearing of the cap when outdoors is mandatory and not optional. Our reluctance to wear the cap is matched only by our inability to keep the left arm stiff by the side when saluting. Also do try to avoid going to the market or shopping in uniforms; it certainly does not enhance the aura of the uniform. Carriage We are an elite force and should carry ourselves with pride. Leave the wearing of earrings and long hair to the riff-raff. Dont go around making an idiot of yourself by wearing fancy add-ons to your dress. You might imagine that you are hep or with it but actually you will look like a twit, who has lost his way. Sunglasses Wear them only while travelling; take them off when talking to a senior or a lady. Dangling of your sunglasses from the shirt front pocket of a uniform does not auger well. Avoid it. Pens/Pencils These should not be exposed but kept clipped to an inside pocket. Wearing of Caps Wear your cap/beret cap with pride and not like designer apparel.

Loosened Neckwear Do not unbutton the collar or loosen your tie while on duty no matter how strong the urge. When you do get hot under the collar retire to the mens room to refresh. Leaning on Desks Do not lean on your seniors desk. If your knees are all jelly, request permission to sit down. If already seated, lean back against the back rest. Smoking Do not enter any office (your seniors in particular) either smoking, carrying in your fingers your pipe, cigar or cigarette. In his presence, it may be best to refrain from smoking. If you must, wait till you are seated and you have asked his permission. Blow the smoke side wards or below, but never in front. When Conducting ladies When leading a lady to room/office, be the first to enter holding the door open, if the door opens inwards. If it opens outwards, hold it open and allow them to enter first. Be careful not to get caught pushing pull doors and vice versa- it shows your unfamiliarity. Hands in Pocket Please keep your hands out of your pockets, especially when talking to senior or a lady. It is also preferable to keep your hands dry and clean, with clean/manicured nails, before offering them for a shake. Differing With Seniors This phrase was very carefully coined. The massage is that it is as important to differ and disagree as it is to do so with elegance and courtesy. An aggressive broadside will no doubt win you instant hero status with juniors and back benchers but that is all. The senior will not accept this kind of attitude, so you better decide and take your chances, before adopting this option. In a Seniors office If someone else enters no matter how senior or closely connected to you, do not jump up, unless the occupant of the office himself gets up. Just an acknowledging smile and respectful nod will do. You actually offend the first guy with your jack-in-the box act if person entering is junior to him. Socially, a similar situation needs to be played by the ear.

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Courtesy There is no known substitute for consideration and courtesy. The Biblical quotation is as valid today as it was when first written:Do Unto Others As You Would Have Them Do Unto You & Manners Maketh the Man Cuffs It is bad enough to roll up your sleeves; an open cuff is a blunder! Behaviour with Seniors It is compliment to you, if your senior can relax in your presence, during off- duty hours. The extent of informality and relaxation should be governed by your senior and not you. Do not extend off-duty informality into the next official day, if you desire to continue enjoying an informal relationship, when you are offduty. How to Address Civilians Addressing most politicians and all civil servants, no matter what the latters seniority and position, has one thing in common : we do not Sir them. There are many reasons for this sound practice and excellent tradition. Generally speaking the correct form of address is Mantri Mahodaya/Mantriji/Minister or Mr Bedi/Mr Secretary or Mr Rao/ Mr Commissioner. This would safely see you through in a majority of interactions- no matter what your seniority as a commissioned officer and no matter what that gentlemans equation with your service bosses. Police officials are to be similarly addressed as Mr Bose/ Superintendent/Inspector General. The golden rule should always be kept in mind, regardless of what you personally stand to gain by Sir-ing a civilian. If it is not, you may unwittingly do a lot of damage to the standing of the Officers Corps. Meeting a Senior Officer If you are headed for a senior, who is in the middle of a crowd, to greet him - do not pause en route to greet/hand-shake with some others, whom you happen to know in the crowd. If you do, it makes the senior look like he is waiting at the end of a line-up or a queue. Escorting Ladies At parties in the mess as also functions, the lady no matter how young, MUST be escorted, when being taken somewhere. This is an SOP and we all know it. A new and very bizarre practice, however, which seems to be creeping in lately, is of gentlemen being escorted similarly!

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Handling out Plates/ Serving Drinks Your desire to be a good, polite, sweet, kind, courteous (etc etc etc) host is beyond comment. But at an official lunch/dinner in the mess, please do not upstage a butler in the process of fawning over the guests (be it your boss, the GOC or even the Chief) by beginning to hand-out the plates, when the meal is announced. Similarly the serving and pouring of drinks is best left to the waiter, if necessary, supervised by the mess NCO. Officers only need to keep a discreet (but distant) eye. Finances Keeping up with the Joneses can be a pain; plan and spend your cash with forethought. Remember, the CDA is paying you, regardless of whether you work or not. Just because, the cash is easily earned, does not mean that you blow it up. Pay all dues on time, including the mess bill, even if the food is awful. Plan now for your future.

12 COMMUNICATING Telephone calls Never, ever say only Hello. If you do more likely than not, you will get into a slanging match of whos speaking? Either give your telephone number and name, or the office you are in, when called. If your senior calls and asks for someone/some information, who/which is not readily available, do not leave the phone to get him/it without first asking if you can do that. You might leave a boiling mad senior dangling on the phone, when he could not afford to wait and does not know if he can get through again. Best would be to take his number and call back. At the end of the conversation with a senior or a lady, wait to hear the click at the other end before putting your phone down. Speaking on the phone is like using R/T: you have to be slow and deliberate in your speech, because the other chap cannot see your facial expressions and gestures, which often help to make up for garbled, gibberish and grim grammar. Unless it is your call, allow the man to say his piece first and then, only then, start on yours. While on the phone, if you need to take another call or talk to someone in your room, for heavens sake first excuse yourself and then cover the mouthpiece with your hand. It is infuriating to have you answer a call, while you continue to talk either in the other telephone or to someone else. The bell rings, you answer the call and find it is for someone who happens to be around. It is vital to tell that someone who exactly is on the line, in addition to who/where the call is from. Saying that the call is from the Commanding Officer/ Commander etc when, in fact, the PA/operator is on the line at the other end, has two sequential fallouts. First, that someone is made to feel rather stupid, when a mere PA/operator responds to his gushy greetings meant for the boss or the colleague. Secondly, you get marked as the man responsible for the acute embarrassment. All calls received in your absence must be returned at the earliest. This is, not mere courtesy; it can be an operational imperative, a personal crisis or a domestic emergency. Brevity is the secret of good communication. Salutation Wishing a senior good morning etc, every time you take his call at work (after the first such call for the day) is neither necessary nor does it show your

13 2 poise and cool. It actually shows a certain degree of fluster, ignorance of what to say and awe. Yours Sincerely. When signing off, you can use your first name (or even your nickname, in a few cases) instead of a full signature. This however, will depend entirely on your personal equation/relationship with the other/senior officer. A useful cue is what he calls you at the beginning of his letter/card to you. Similarly, what you call him at the beginning of your DO/card will depend on how he signs of his letters to you. If it is Sandy you may risk My dear Sandy, My dear General Sundaram and so on. Never abbreviate the rank. As always, when in doubt, go formal. Running Commentary After you have given your senior something to read, sit back and, for heavens sake shut up. No meter how brilliant, he cannot read your paper intelligently, if you continue to jabber. This also applies, when he is on the phone and listening to someone you cannot see. To Sir or Not When used correctly (only at the beginning and at the end of a narration/briefing) Sir is an honorific. When used repetitively after every few words, n time in a single narrative, it becomes a soporific. This profusion of Sir is usually the result of an uncontrollable desire to sound extra humble, extra polite and extra submissive. It can also be due to a congenital craving for plenty of fillers in your talk. Either way it sounds immeasurably asinine to inject a Sir after every third word in your reply/ presentation. Higher up the ladder, it sound pathetic and look miserable. GOC Sir The correct service form (as distinct from Courtier Culture) is General/Brigadier ABC when beginning your farewell speech or address. GOC Sir Commandant Sir etc, are silly and wrong as is the old, orderly room classic, Sir has done this, Sir has done that etc, when referring to a mutually known officer, instead of using his designation or rank and name. This pernicious habit is at times also adopted by our family members: GOC Uncle, Commander Auntie. Spare the wives and children at least. Briefing Distractions When using a pointer use the hand closer to the map/chart (see BBC weather) and point only to that which is meant to be seen by your audience. Do not cover up the material with the pointer. Return the pointer to your side when not in use and keep it still. Do not distract your audience by continuously moving it. Do not look at the pointer/map/chart, but concentrate on your audience. Do also speak to the audience and not into the map/chart.

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Speaking Distraction When speaking formally or informally, do not jingle change or keys in your pocket, twirl a key chain or eyeglasses, manoeuvre pipes, finger tap table, pull up your pants etc. Language Outside the bar and locker room, slang and swear words are unacceptable, no matter how profane your senior or how friendly the lady. It is mandatory to use respectable substitutes like a deliberate Yes than Hah or Yup. Queries, Doubts, Questions at Service Briefings and Lectures These should be aimed only at eliciting relevant and essential additional information, elucidation or setting a wrong right. Falling prey to the temptations of self projection, playing-to-the-gallery or disparaging the speaker, serves two dangerous purposes: seniors will lose respect for you and the juniors will be delighted to at last meet a senior who is inferior to them in IQ, maturity and basic decency. Avoid lengthy preambles to the question. Tight Lips and Loose Talk There is an old Chinese saying: control the words before they leave you; the words start controlling you thereafter. This highlights the damage a spoken word is capable of doing if uttered in haste and without much thought. In the Service, this can do incalculable harm, particularly when it concerns censure or criticism of another officer (senior or junior) or of an established practice. There is nothing against criticism per se; only one need to be 200% sure that one does have all the necessary facts, know both sides of the story well and that the remarks will bear scrutiny and debate. All your statements must be the endproduct of profound study, painstaking verification and firm conviction. To say something impulsively or to only impress and then get easily shot down erodes your credibility and stature immensely. This is one ground, which if once lost, cannot be retrieved easily, it is better to have many people pay attention to your few words then to have few people pay attention to your many words. The old adage, Better look a fool, than to open your mouth and prove it, has a lot of merit. Pillow Talk Wives are our emotional sheet-anchors and confidantes; this is as it ought to be. The problems, however, start when we discuss Service matters which should not leave the unit/office. Some husbands do it to raise their stock at home; some to vent their spleen while the rest do it mindlessly. This is dangerous and can play havoc. As officers, please refrain from this. Choosing Conversation An excellent way to become unpopular is hog the conversation and tell long, pointless stories. A sure way to take the time of other officers at staff

15 4 meetings or conferences is to try to solve your particular problem, which is of no interest or concern to the rest of the group. Briefing In a conference or a meeting your seniors time is valuable and must be apportioned out to others, whose problems are probably more important than yours. In presenting problems, be brief. Time Management The importance of time management is apparent to everyone who values his/her own time. Respect the time of others particularly that of juniors. After all, tide and time wait for no man. Dont ever waste time.

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THE FREQUENT SOLECISMS Language English is a language we have chosen by our free will to use. Hence it becomes essential that we use it correctly. Although there are few usages that tend to confuse like drinking toasts and eating soups or smelling feet and running nose, these are nonetheless, correct, and must be made note of. Singular/ Plural Words Phenomena, memoranda, criteria data strata media alumni, graffiti etc, are strictly speaking, plural words but we insist on using them as singulars This phenomena, this memoranda, this criteria, I am an alumni of the NDA etc are but a result of that insistence. However, while watching out for these blunders, please do not go overboard and turn kudos into a kudos , shambles into a shamble, scissors into a scissor, sunglasses into a sunglass, trousers into a trouser statistics into a statistic, gymnastics into a gymnastic and cocktails into a cocktail etc for use as a singular. In this connection has it occurred to you that communications and communication have vastly different meanings? Most of us use communication when we should be using communications, while talking about R/T, W/T and telephones. The singular denotes a letter, a massage or transportation from one place to another. Informations and equipments are two more examples of some recent and original contributions. Please use them without the S. Lakhs and Crores The wrong way to write is Rs 5 Lakhs or Rs 10 Crores. Please remove the S from both and get the correct Rs 5 Lakh or Rs 5 Crore. As it is you never say Rs 5 Hundreds or Rs 10 thousands or do you? Make an Advance Postpone is a legitimate word but full marks to anyone who can trace the origin of prepone in any dictionary. Using the advance is a better choice. To drive in the point, we do not say pre-humus as an antonym to posthumous nor preterior to posterior nor we do say postamble to preamble. A little care on the use of the prefix non too, as in non implementation. Correct use of the Word Cater For the situation you cater to the requirement, while when planning a party you cater for the meal etc. Nocturnally Speaking Using last night or night before last may not quite fetch you a language medal but the listener/reader will certainly be spared a lot of pain as compared to yesterday night or day before-yesterday night. The same goes for Prayagraj

17 6 being a nightly train & not a daily train at night from Delhi to Allahabad. Today night/ morning is equally delightful, but wrong. Law of Relativity Funnily there never are cousin brothers or cousin sisters. If you must elaborate/amplify the gender, appropriate use of she, he or female/male in conjunction with cousin is permitted. He is my cousin automatically explains that he is your wrongly used cousin brother. Similarly, there is no such thing as Real Brother as there definitely isnt anything like Unreal Brother! Co brother falls in the same category. Departmental While in house administrative action taken against an erring official and catering on the Railways is indeed Departmental, a store with diverse goods sold in different sections or departments is a Department Store and NOT a Departmental Store. This goof up is almost as common and intriguing as neighbourer, cricketier etc. A Few Other Sounds Your career in the army is (hopefully) not the same as the carrier on top of your car or at the back of your sons bicycle. These two words have a distinctly different pronunciation; career ought to sound like furrier and not like harrier or barrier. Actually it is entirely a question of which of the two you would like to be better known for in the service: your career or your carrier. Take your pick. Ladies First Poetess or priestess is OK but what on earth is a teacheress or leaderess or manageress?!! All wrong: avoid using these non-existent words. While writing invitation cards, it is Mr & Mrs.. or Col and Mrs etc, not the other way round. Matter of Redundancy If to plan itself implies prior through or preparation what is pre-plan? If enclosed itself indicates that another document has been put in the same cover, what is the need for enclosed herewith? If is almost as much Baboo English as descending down, ascending up or returning back. Yet more current contemporary classics are more faster, more higher etc in our midst. However, compared to some more bigger bloomers, this indeed is least worst! Similarly, you never repeat again and return back nor do you say you want a hot cup of tea when you actually want a cup of hot tea. Isnt that a true fact? Another hilarious usage is saw it with my own eyes or he is having his breakfast or have had my bath. Try seeing something with someone elses eyes or having someone elses breakfast or bath. It is a difficult under ordinary circumstances!

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Common Mistakes and Raw Deals There may be nothing particularly special or uncommon about him/her but a person who is friendly with two or more people is there mutual friend and NOT their common friend. This is a very frequent gaffe. Another problem area is raw and unripe. In the case of fruits and vegetables raw is the opposite of cooked and not the opposite of ripe. If you tell your hostess that you do not like raw mangoes or oranges (when what you actually mean is, unripe or green mangoes or oranges) she may end up faithfully serving you cooked mangoes or oranges for dessert (wondering all the time what on earth is the matter with you) Healthily Mind in a Healthy Body Oat meal, whole wheat, greens, fruit, milk etc are indeed good health foods. But for Petes sake they are NOT HEALTHY foods. HEALTHY always and only refers to the state of good health of a person, fruit, vegetable crop, live stock etc and does not necessarily refer to their quality of being nutritious and good for your health. NOURISHING, NUTRITIOUS may be better and more appropriate words here. Sounds and Meaning Meat, meet and mete, pursue and peruse, discreet and discrete, hangar and hanger, compliment and complement, ordnance and ordinance, lose and loose etc are words which need a bit of thought before they are used in our paperwork. Suit is what you wear or hold in your hand at a bridge table .This is pronounced more like boot. Suite is what you stay in at a hotel etc and is pronounced more like sweet. It is generally seen that people who have a bright or bad carrier mostly also talk about or stay in a VIP soot in the Mess. For the same sound, their meanings are entirely different. Think Hindi Talk English Be careful, you MAY NOT fall down is a common, well intended caution replete with genuine concern. But this literal translation of Hindi expression would actually imply that you do want the person to fall down but are worried that he/she/it may not. Kindly Please One always just requests another to kindly do so and so or such and such. There really is no need to kindly request- it is as unnecessary, as wrong, as it is common. Backside Vs Backyard When admiring your neighbours kitchen garden do say that you have a well maintained backyard but certainly do not say, you have a well maintained backside [-and most certainly not to your neighbours wife!

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ON THE MOVE

Blowing Auto Horns Blowing auto horns outside an apartment block is a good idea if you want almost everyone to open doors, peep out and curse you. If you intend to callout only a particular occupant, this is the height of bad manners and very thoughtless. Try the door chime, instead. Cars and Class Agatha Christies, Miss Marple, once said that those, who honk unnecessarily, change lanes at will, dont stop to allow pedestrians to cross, drive on full-beam in town, hog the parking, drive through puddles at speed, when there are pedestrians and two wheelers nearby and dont concede right of way are typical examples of people who acquired cars before they acquired the class. What is your own sequence? There is still time to get it right. Negotiating Turns Whenever negotiating a right turn, always imagine a traffic roundel ahead of you, and follow an imaginary path around it. You will never go wrong and will most certainly avoid an accident. Razzle Dazzle Entering a drive-way (House, Mess, Club etc) with your head light ON is no way to dazzle the inmates with your brilliance. Use the parking lights and folks will notice a thoughtful, educated arrival at the party. Most of our drivers dont know this because WE dont know this. This also applies to the red (commanders) lights atop flag car, except for the chief guests car. A surfeit of flashing red lights confuses the hosts and the band.

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THE SOCIAL SCENE Guessing Games The best answer to bet you dont remember me is to say No I dont and turn your back. When meeting someone you have not seen for a while, always give your name and rank and say where you two had met last. Guessing games accomplish nothing except deflate the ego of a thoughtless big-shot or embarrass and lose a friend. Introduction and Calls You are not obliged to introduce yourself, your wife or your lady-friend every time you run into someone you do not know. But should you want or need to, you must know the basis to avoid gaffes. It is however a must that the commander or GOC formally meet your wife the first time he/they and you two are together at a party or function or whatever occasion. You two should walk up to the Commander/GOC and the introduction should go on these lines: Sir I would like you to meet my wife Rashmi. And then, Rashmi, this is Brig/Gen Bose. Calling on has a similar position. Though both are not mandatory they together make for an immensely easy and congenial environment to operate in, both at and off work. This does not; however apply to recluses and washouts. Some Common Blunders My Mrs, My family. Quaint-origin not known - reference to own wife, peculiar to the clerical class in India. Better substitute like My Wife, Mrs Kapur or the best like My wife, Rashmi are available but not used for reasons shrouded in mystery. Hasty Pleasantry Few of us wait patiently for an introduction to be completed before jutting our hand out and announcing how pleased we are to meet etc. If both do it at the same time (as it mostly happens), the names get drowned in the noise and neither is wiser as to eithers name! So, wait and hold your effusion. Lady Wife Yet another confounding masterpiece, original and peculiar to the baboos. Thank God one hasnt yet heard of Gentleman Husband! from a woman! As in the case of all officers, who are assumed to be Gentlemen all wives also enjoy the tacit understanding (if not the assumption) of being Ladies. Unless of course the scene is a gay bar in San Francisco or you have some other strong and specific compulsion to underscore the fact that particular wife is a lady! Whats in a Name? Most of us have only one name (not including the nick name) and we strongly and rightly believe it is a good name. Asking what is your good name please? may suggest that the chap also has a bad name. The truth is, this result of a literal translation of the Hindi equivalent and since the (though mistaken) attempt at being extra polite. Avoid it, if you can.

21 First Names No matter how young or junior an officer, his wife must be addressed as Mrs . until and unless she herself or the husband tells you that she may be addressed by her first name. It is a privilege she has granted to you and you must thank her for it, boldly and expressly. The wives and the husband must know this too, lest they keep wondering why someone very senior and/or older to them keeps addressing her as Mrs.. Hand shake Upon meeting it is purely the prerogative of the senior or the lady to proffer the hand first. NEVER otherwise, barring some rare cases involving greetings and congratulations. Grasp (but not grab) the full hand (and not merely the fingers) firmly but without demonstrating your brute strength and dont aim to beat the Chinese record for duration. In uniform, the salute is the correct form of greeting a lady, along with the time of the day. How Do You Do This is NOT an enquiry after health so fine, Very well, I have indigestion are sure give-a-ways of a yokel. A plain return how do you do is what is necessary, to continue your masquerade of good grooming a little longer! How Are You is an enquiry and may be answered by very well, thank you. Hello Boss At any mess function the Chief Guest(s) and the Commanding Officer/Commander/GOC must be met and greeted as early in the evening as possible. This needs to be done effortlessly, without making obvious bee-lines or tripping over in an abrupt and jarring manner, like a drill movement. This is fine art as there are many ways and timing of doing it, as are people. Those who avoid it, whatever their reason, are more conspicuous and noticeable than they care to imagine. Such neglect does not show your personal likes or reprobation, it shows your unawareness, lack of confidence, indiscipline and disrespect. Farewell Speeches Not the occasion to score for a verbose after action report. If you cannot be witty, be brief (Brevity is the ) And most importantly, that farewell present is for Heavens sake Memento and not a Momento. Dinner Carnage At a party in the Mess, no matter how much you are going to be charged, no matter how seldom chicken appears on your table and however late the hour, dont make your onslaught on food look as if it is the Last Supper. Save your concentration, ferocity and mayhem for combat, squash-court duels or woodchopping. Dont also make your platter resemble a pyramid of food. It is neater and more civilized to go for smaller and frequent helping, not cluttering your plate with little bit of EVERY dish on the table at the same time. Slurp, Splash and Chomp One of the things that set the homo sapiens apart from the Neanderthal, is the way we eat. No one wants to SEE what is being chewed! So keep your mouth closed while eating.

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Better Half During official and semi-official functions do look after your wife and ensure that she is served drink of her choice. Elbow Bending There are certain definite no-nos when hitting the bar. Do not ever get drunk and make a spectacle of yourself; dont offer drinks, except to guests and for Gods sake dont drink till the Sun goes down. There is no more unedifying sight than a drunken sod being pulled out of a drain. Avoid drinking when alone and there is really no necessity to prove how hard a drinker you are. Your reputation or lack of it will always precede you. Drink Threshold When you cross it, it is actually your commanding officer/wife, who is put to greater shame and damnation, instantly becoming an object of public pity, ridicule or both. Please spare the old man/lady! There are perhaps other ways of making a perfect ass only of yourself! Find out and try them instead. Take Leave One always takes my/our leave and NOT your leave when wanting to depart. By your leave, with your leave etc have an entirely different meaning and context and have nothing whatever to do with permission to depart/leave. Wit and Humour The refined and suave variety is essential and very desirable in all situations. There is, however, one pitfall: you need to be very sure that you are witty. Your humour should be sans malice, derision and vitriol. Remember sarcasm is the lowest form of wit and the surest way of losing friends and not influencing people. It is a sharp weapon and must be used only in a battle of wits and not in bonhomie. If in doubt, steer clear of such duels, lest you emerge as more of a nitwit than a quick wit. Greetings The promptness, pleasantness and deliberateness of greeting any lady and senior anywhere, whether they know you or not anytime, are the hallmark of good breeding. In uniform, it has to be a salute, at other times a verbal greeting, appropriate to the time of the day. Avoiding it, defaulting on it or making it look like an imposition, does incalculable harm to your own standing as an officer and a gentleman. It does not affect the lady or the senior at all! Informality and Decorum If being friendly with juniors is an art, being easy, informal and jocular WITHOUT being cheeky or frivolous with seniors or ladies falls in the realm of fine art. When in the slightest doubt about your ability to draw and read the fine line, stick to being formal, it is better to be called OG than risk getting labeled as you know what!

23 2 HOSTS OF PROBLEMS (AND GUESTS OF HONOUR) Follow some convenient remedies for awkward situations when you are playing host. Take them or leave them, but, in either case, understand them:Whos Who. It is your duty to ensure that all guests are quickly and properly introduced to one another. If you just leave it to chance and their initiative, you will end up hosting two three separate parties at the same time and in the same place. If there is a chief guest/eminent person/very senior officer, the host/hostess must conduct him/her around the gathering to meet the assembly. Have More. When offering drinks/eats around it is courtesy to insist, if refused the first time. If refused again, the guest either isnt hungry or there is scope to improve your cooking. Move on. Dont go desi and press on regardless. Positively dont dump food or drink in his plate or glass. Circulation. Make a round of the entire gathering, spending equal time conversing/looking after each guest. If you get stuck with your favourite person or gang, others will wonder why on earth you had them over. In a Service gathering, be warned, not to go brass hunting, all the time. Looking After. Dont ask guests to help themselves. They could do that better at home, and in pyjamas too. YOU invited them so YOU look after them; specially the junior/younger ones. Guess Whos Coming to Dinner If you have been a reasonable host, chances are you will get invited as a guest. Try and remember the following:Rule No 1. Dont make yourself at home. If you do, it might be your last invite. Penetrate. On arrival dont plant yourself near the entrance and everyone else to come up to you. You invite isolation and cause a traffic jam, much to the chagrin of the host and hostess! A very important point to member, as you go up the ladder, collecting more and more brass along the way. Move on and Meet. Circulate and help break ice. It is YOUR business to go around greeting everybody, who is already there. Dont park yourself too early in the evening, if at all. Discretion. If your host/hostess is annoyingly persistent on another drink/helping, quietly accede and then discreetly plant the glass/plate in a corner. Departure. Dont depart immediately after the dessert. Hang around for a while. Avoid, being part of an exodus. Also dont hang around forever. Those yawns which you see are not an optical illusion; they are genuine and indicate a long day behind the hosts.

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Your goodbyes should be brisk and sharp without being abrupt. Make them as inconspicuous as possible. Positively, do not make them take a threestage booster rocket from the living room to the portico to the gate.

25 4 APPAREL REVEALETH THE MAN Uniform It behoves an officer to wear a freshly laundered/ironed uniform every day and to wear it with pride. It is possible; only one needs to spend little more money out of the KMA authorized by the Government. The respect you elicit has a lot to do with the state of your uniform and accessories. Officers need to be well turned out always. Dress as the troops, when in a unit and with a little difference (lan) when not. Civvies What Shakespeare had said then is 100% true even now; although, arguably, he did not have the officer in mind. Correctly deciding between beach wear and a DJ is as much a matter of an innate sense of propriety and decorum as it is of your knowledge of service regulations. The problem areas usually are informal and casual wear on a call/at a function. Classically informal is a lounge suit and casual is a tweed /blazer and trousers combination. That is a sartorial puritans position in cooler latitudes and he is very right too! Practically and lower down the latitude scale, informal should mean shirt and tie/shirt-andno tie (colloquially open collar) in that order (what about pants!) depending upon the level of informality you are prepared to risk. T-shirts, trendy clothes, sports shoes (even if they are Nike, Reeboks etc) and chappals of any description are solecisms which one could well do without. Everything else is casual but do not drop your discretion and guard and go overboard wearing Bermuda shorts and Kohlapuris to a Mess function or during a social call. In short be casual but dont be a casualty. If you must, err upscale of the dress propriety.

26 54 OFFICERS MESSES The officers Mess is the institution around which an officers social activity in the Army revolves, for the better part of his life. Its role and importance in moulding the life styles of officers and their families is substantial. There are many ways to optimise the gains from this institution. Upkeep of the Mess A mess which is unkempt is a sorry reflection of the state of the unit. Peeling plaster, faded colour on the walls, cobwebs, paintings hanging askew, a line-up of unpolished and unrepaired silver (particularly much used and transported cigarette boxes), broken electrical fittings and naked wires all convey much to the visitor about the sense of pride of the officers as also their attention to detail. Mess toilets also leave a lot to be desired especially in the choice of towels which actually wipe. To top it all, if the mess toilet also has a nude pin-up or a pornographic verse, the officers priorities can well be judged. Would the officers accept a pin-up in the mens living accommodation? And what does this do to mens perception of officers tastes? Some people categorize messes into three types. The first is TWR (They Were Rich). Such messes live in the past as do our erstwhile royalty. Everything is faded, forlorn and better forgotten. The second variety is NR (Noveau Riche). Everything is loud, garish and costly but all in bad taste, reminding one of the probable living style of a lottery winning pan-wallah. The third, and desirable, type is the COR (Civilised, Officer like and Restrained). The standard of the mess staff needs no elaboration. Their personal hygiene and livery need to be an example of what officers should expect. Needless to say, behavior of staff towards ladies is of utmost importance. Pride in the Unit Mess Care lavished on the mess, its property and fitment reflects the pride of officers in their mess. Officers must know the background, vintage and significance of trophies and mementoes. The knowledge of officers wives is nonexistent at present this too is an important aspect. An officers mess is place where we walk down memory lane, in the company of units and officers who served with the unit, and who are represented in the trophies and mementoes. The tradition of holding and upkeep of mess trophies and mementoes is necessary to continually remind officers of past achievements and associations and thereby inspire them. Food and Beverages The officers Mess differs from a hotel in the dignity and decorum with which food and drinks are served and eaten. The very idea of people pouring drinks, unsolicited, into each others glasses is anathema to me. As for food, we should endeavour to ensure that everyone can sit and eat. The buffet has destroyed our dining graces. It is sad to see ladies eating standing up, with pallus and dupattas out of control, food dripping off the plate and soiled hands. It is even more tragic to see officers and ladies licking food off their fingers while

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keeping their eyes open for the next bowl of chicken or pudding and finally disposing of the used plate under a convenient table. A young bride joining her husband in the battalion has to wait till she is second in commands or commanding officers wife to be seated at a dining table. This should change. Civilised eating is done sitting down. The phrase sitting for a meal has a lot of meaning. No mother or wife would allow her child or husband to eat standing up in her house. Why accept it in a mess? Food must also be served on time even on Raising Days. Dancing, games, further drinking etc can go on after the meal, but food must be served on time. No civilised home serves lunch at 1600h or dinner at 0100h why should a mess? Not only is delay discourteous to invited guests, it is hard on the young mother as well as the mess staff. Socialising Within the Unit. The purpose of socialising must remain the building of relations based on mutual respect and trust between officers and their families. The code of conduct of setting aside personal preferences and differences in the officers mess has to be revived. This applies equally to the ladies and children. Children in the Mess. Having said that the mess is the home of the officer, one would hasten to add that children do have a place there, but in proportion and in a controlled atmosphere. Suffice it to say that formal occasions, whether within the unit or when guests are invited, are not for children. Furthermore the control on the proper behaviour of children of all ages is the responsibility of the parents. If parents cannot control their child, they must be courteously told what is expected and controlled behaviour ensured. Socialising with Guests. The best honour one can give another is to ask him over for a meal with the family. We do this by inviting guests to our house the mess. But the honour should not be confined only to the ritual of drinks and a meal. The process of getting to know the guests, letting them meet all officers and ladies must be instituted. Officers and ladies should not get into their respective huddles. Photographic cover, if deemed necessary, should stop with a couple of informal snaps. Civilian photographers, in their unique and inimitable dress, clicking away with abandon should not be allowed. Bands and Dances Jazz Bands Many units now are going in for a Jazz Band. Unfortunately the net result is a low quality pop music rendition of the latest film hits. My recommendation is, if going in for a light band with modern instruments, do so in a very organised manner and ensure that proper dance music with good rhythm and balanced melodies are played. A crooner to add to the show really becomes comical, especially when the singer has no idea of either the proper pronunciation or the meaning of the lyrics. Pipes & Drums and Military Bands. Less and less knowledge about military tunes, regimental songs and marches and ceremonial numbers is being displayed. Please encourage officers and bandsmen to recognise tunes, expect and produce high quality music and show appreciation. The band should be so placed that their music does not drown out all conversation. Procurement of

28 76 cassettes and compact discs may be resorted to in order to know how these numbers should be played. Dancing. Particularly with the advent of Jazz bands, dancing is now being organised more often. All to the good. But please remember that dancing with your partner is a very private activity and is not a tamasha organised for the ogling benefit of drivers, masalchis, mess staff or even for non dancing members on that occasion. The correct way would be to have the dance floor enclosed aesthetically, or placed on a side, announce the dance, strike up the music and let the dancers alone. A spirited exhortation to join in with everyone turning their chairs around to watch should be taboo. Dancing is an elegant and musically rhythmic form of expressing appreciation and confidence between the partners -wedded or otherwise. Do not turn it into street dancing of the baraat variety. Ideally a dance session can precede dinner for 30 to 45 minutes, after which the meal should be served. Further sessions, after the meal, may be programmed. The Last Word The officers Mess should be an institution where prompt, courteous and quality service is the norm. Civilians pay enormous amounts to gain admittance to such institutions which they call clubs. The mess is more than a board and lodging place it must become a place where officers and families can re-charge their psychological batteries. Maintain the serenity and decorum of your mess. The social and mental well-being of your officers and families depend upon it. Acknowledgement The section on Officers Mess has been extracted from thoughts and writings of Lt Gen VR Raghavan, PVSM, UYSM, AVSM (retd

29 CONCLUSION In essence what needs to be understood and remembered is the need for a semi-formal correctness at work and an informal and easy correctness in social conduct. This is the traditional hall mark of the Army and must be very carefully imbibed. However, when in the slightest doubt, save your grace and go formal! Like a senior officer need not become a later day Rajah or Zamindaar in order to be firm, decisive and superior, a junior officer, too, need not know and become a lackey in his zest to look polite, alert and efficient. You may indeed be detailed to look after a senior citizen at a Mess party but do not be tempted to scurry around carrying his glass, plates and drinks up/down. You are far too differently dressed and employed to behave like a waiter Mark Twain once said that if you insist on behaving like a door-mat there will be a hundred men wanting to walk all over you. Pride grace and elegance are the key ingredients of the cocktail called an officer and a gentleman. Junior officers are officers first, always and every time!! To the segment of officer population (mercifully small at present), which believes that all this is waste of time and they have done remarkably well in the service; etiquette or no etiquette, only this can be said: Congratulations and God bless- there are also many in the world who never got/took the small pox, BCG or polio vaccines and still went on to celebrate their 80th birthday. In the end it can be said that howsoever comprehensive the guide, there must be few things missed out. It is best to use your discretion, when dealing with a new situation. Remember, an officer should only err on the upward side of any scale and not otherwise and whenever in doubt, go formal. Thats the key word.

CODE OF ETHICS FOR AN OFFR Never for an instant can you divest yourself of the fact that you are offrs on the sports field, in the trg area, at the club, in civilian clothes, on the net, even at home or when on lve. The fact that you are a commissioned offr in the Army imposes a constant obligation to higher standards than might ordinarily seem normal or necessary for your personal guidance.