Overcoming Addiction to Porn cover

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Prologue

Before I realised that my partners excessive use of porn was the root of our problems, I looked for help online under what if your partner is not interested in sex and what came up was nearly all based on women not wanting sex. It couldnt possibly be the man who didnt want a bit of slap and tickle now could it? - perish the thought! That only added to my frustration and feeling of isolation: I was left to presume that it was only me that had a partner who didn't want to touch me. It was quite by chance that I came across Porn Addiction - and WHAM! with a (sickening) realisation, I saw all the symptoms I had been living with right there in front of me. The problems that we had been experiencing - which I had previously put down to him not having had a girlfriend for over a decade - were all there. It also made me realise WHY he hadn't had a g/f for that time - his longest standing relationship - was with porn. I researched many MANY sites and read a lot of books on the subject, which you will get the benefit of in my eBook You Want Me To Do What With That?! The life expectancy of a relationship with a porn addict.

Lindsay McKinnon. Feb 2011. All rights reserved. First published on www.dontrewardbadbehaviour.com Copying or reproduction of this work in any format is not permitted without express permission of author.

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Overcoming Addiction to Porn Page one

Can you have a successful relationship with someone who is addicted to porn?

In her new eBook

You Want Me To Do What With That?!

The Life Expectancy of a Relationship With a Porn Addict Lindsay Mckinnon looks at porn addiction and how it affects the addict's personal relationships. Inside you will find the kind of information that Lindsay's facinating eBook is full of. Join our campaign to keep porn, away from kids and people like you who don't want to be inundated with inappropriate pop ups promising cyber sex with strangers. The Campaign for Real Men not Porn Eunuchs

Lindsay McKinnon. Feb 2011. All rights reserved. First published on www.dontrewardbadbehaviour.com Copying or reproduction of this work in any format is not permitted without express permission of author.

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Overcoming Addiction to Porn Page two

Some of the signs of addiction to pornography are:

1. It's New Year's Eve; you're dressed up like a Christmas tree, party poppers in one hand and a bottle of Asti in the other and he says, 'Can't we just stay in? ' or 'It's fine if you want to go on your own, I'm not into the whole holiday thing anyway. Not only is he not interested in going out; he wants to get YOU out of the way so he can indulge himself. 2. You are as open minded as the next gal, perhaps even more so, but what he wants you to do with four candles, an aubergine and a hamster is just not right! His sexual requests will become a little different, to say the least. Love and passion will disappear and be replaced instead by cold sex with an increasingly distant and unaffectionate partner. What was once a life-affirming act that had you whistling with the birds like Snow White, now leaves you feeling vaguely humiliated and used. 3. You're dressed as Cat Woman and hanging off the chandalier, cracking your whip (if that floats your boat) and you ask if Batman wants to come out and play. His response is to question the health & safety aspects of your current activities and turns to his computer instead to watch a porn star dressed as Cat Woman and hanging from a chandalier. While at first, the porn addict will bring the fantasy aspects of what he has viewed on the screen to the bedroom, he will not get the same thrill from the act compared to the fantasy of the act. In time, his interest in sex will sink quicker than the Titanic and he may even get to the point of flinching at your touch.

You will feel as though he is repulsed by you, which is HUGELY DAMAGING TO YOUR SELF IMAGE
Lindsay McKinnon. Feb 2011. All rights reserved. First published on www.dontrewardbadbehaviour.com Copying or reproduction of this work in any format is not permitted without express permission of author.

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4. Next door's mangey cat gets more affection from him than you do. You will see a distinct lack of regular lover's interactions that one should expect in a healthy relationship. There's no fun, play fights, flirty touches or goosing going on and you can't even recall the last time you had a good necking session. Your satisfaction? Sorry? Who are you? 5. After intercourse you're half surprised he doesn't get up and throw fifty quid on the bed. For the addict: porn is not about lust, it's about power and/or escapism. The images the addict watches (porn-lite or vanilla sex is swiftly replaced by increasingly hard-core porn as he chases a new high) do not portray women being treated with dignity and respect. It is about demeaning, degrading, humiliating and putting them in their place. These women will never criticize his ability and will fulfil his masterly desires (vicariously through the male performer) without demanding, or deserving anything in return. They behave like dirty sluts, they get treated like dirty sluts. Everyone knows their place. No expensive dinners and boring foreplay before, or 'we need to work on our relationship', conversations after. It is also, completely anonymous. This gives him a sense of empowerment and control that he does not feel with women in the real world. 6 You are getting down and dirty and he puts his lips against your ear; you're hoping for 'You sexy minx, you're body's driving me nuts!' or even 'Wanna play aliens? cos I think you need a damn good probing!' Instead, he starts calling you names that would make a rap artist blush and using you as though you were a public urinal (sometimes literally). Naughty names that are fun and horny, are replaced by names that he seems to need to call you, in order to get it on .
Lindsay McKinnon. Feb 2011. All rights reserved. First published on www.dontrewardbadbehaviour.com Copying or reproduction of this work in any format is not permitted without express permission of author.

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7 You're having sex (well, he is... you're being poked, prodded, rammed and rogered in orifices that nature never intended for that purpose) and you begin to think you could replace yourself with a blow up doll and he probably wouldn't notice. He s not making love to you - in fact, you - the person as opposed to an object - are barely present. Something he will deny vehimently. Something you will feel, increasingly. 8 You lean in to kiss him and get a 'euch' reaction followed by a body swerve that would be envied by a pro footballer.The greatest irony of porn addiction (which makes him feel manly) is that the addict begins to; behave like a fourteen year old boy around titillating images and like a frigid housewife around his lover. (Apologies for the frigid housewife term) For any woman this is an insulting and intensely hurtful experience. For the woman who is addicted to love it is CATASTROPHIC. You will blame YOURSELF for what is purely HIS PROBLEM and start picking at the faults you must have. You will do anything to regain the love he showed you at the beginning of the relationship. There s something you HAVE to know.... The harder you try to fix him and be so wonderful he can't possibly help but change for you - the further he will pull away. The pressure to fulfill a real woman's desires will only push him further into wanting to lose himself in his demand-free fantasy world. And so, the vicious cycle continues.

.
Lindsay McKinnon. Feb 2011. All rights reserved. First published on www.dontrewardbadbehaviour.com Copying or reproduction of this work in any format is not permitted without express permission of author.

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Overcoming Addiction to Porn Page five

If you've found yourself responding to emotionally unavailable men in this way - even if it's only been in one relationship, see what you can do to STOP your self defeating habits. Like what signals YOU send out. that let him KNOW he can treat you badly and you will not only ACCEPT IT you will ENCOURAGE IT! How unhealthy relations from your childhood could mean you completely MISREAD the love you feel for him and much more... 9 'You putting on weight? ' 'Eeww, youve got cellulite on your thighs!' ' You're really showing your age.' 'How about a Designer Vagina op?' 'Your breasts are disappointingly small arent they?' ... and so on and so on. Lights! Cameras! Make-Up Artists! Add to that; the fake boobs/hair/lips/vagina/eyelashes/teeth and even a false leg (depending on the porn he's into). And of course the orgasm, complete with pre-recorded 'N yeah! N yeah! N yeah! ' soundtrack.

All that is FAKE - to him is REAL.

All that is real cannot live up to the fantasy woman who can have a projectile ejaculation within three minutes and taking double entry while straddling a camel. Not only is he unaware of being lost in the porn equivalent of the Twilight Zone, but he will be completely OBLIVIOUS to the effect his words have on you and your self esteem. He will compare your anatomy unfavourably to that of the women on the screen. In his mind, his ideal woman is a click on a menu: Big Boobs. Large Bottom. Three Boobs. Tanned. Redhead. Pale. Pregnant. Dwarf. Ninja Granny. Virginal. Milf. Schoolgirl.

With you he gets... well... he gets you.

Lindsay McKinnon. Feb 2011. All rights reserved. First published on www.dontrewardbadbehaviour.com Copying or reproduction of this work in any format is not permitted without express permission of author.

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You could try to be any of those items on the menu and surgically enhance yourself to the point your own mother doesn't recognise you; but even if you did. he can click on another type/style/ethnicity/age/gymnastic ability tomorrow. This is a dangerous place for a 'Love Addicted' woman to be. She risks losing her identity in her efforts to become, what is a constantly changing, ideal . 10 His excuses for being late, missing appointments and forgetting to pick you up from the hospital after you've survived the Ebola virus, are becoming more vague. He avoids eye contact and will sometimes hit the roof if you ask him about porn.

Lying - Anger - Denial - Evasion - Defensiveness

Boy, are you going to get familiar with them.
11 You call the bank to ask why you're overdrawn, when your wages have only just gone in. This proves to be a little embarrassing as the nice gentleman on the other end reads out a list of DVD purchases incl: 'Horny Whores from Holland', 'Bangs for the Mammary' and 'Barely Legal Sheep Shaggers'. He sees money in the bank and divides it into how many DVDs it will buy him. 12 Your internet supplier provides you with your own orbiting satellite in order to cope with the amount of time and downloads your partner is using. 13 His mood swings, lack of attention, and meandering thought processes have made you wonder if the man you love is completely sane. On top of that, you are confused and frustrated by the reality that his desire for porn is greater than his desire for you.
Lindsay McKinnon. Feb 2011. All rights reserved. First published on www.dontrewardbadbehaviour.com Copying or reproduction of this work in any format is not permitted without express permission of author.

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The part of his brain that hasn't turned to mush. is all too aware he has a *problem and is no longer able to be the spontaneous and loving partner he would wish to be. This makes him FEEL emasculated You are upset because he is no longer a lover but a performer in a bad porn movie which makes him FEEL emasculated So he turns to porn. where all the undemanding 'worthless ho's ' are allowing him to FEEL like a man again - which WILL emasculate him. *Depending on his state of denial, he may not have linked his porn use with his decreasing libido. 14 It strikes you that the last six arguments you had (which you still haven't figured out what they were about yet) all happened just before you were about to make love. Yup. He upsets you, he doesn't have to make love and hopefully - in a brilliant Pavlov style manoevre on his part - you will storm off into the other room allowing him to enjoy his porn. Win/Win situation for him. Lose/Lose for you 15 You thought it was only in cartoons that characters eyes popped out of their heads and boigned up and down on springs. That is until you go for a casual walk with your beau. He has STOPPED looking at you, but will STARE at other women. He has STOPPED being affectionate with you but he is INNAPPROPRIATE. in his affection toward other women.

Lindsay McKinnon. Feb 2011. All rights reserved. First published on www.dontrewardbadbehaviour.com Copying or reproduction of this work in any format is not permitted without express permission of author.

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16 He has a dossier of his favourite porn stars and knows their name - fake their age - puleeeeze! fake and their likes - C'mon... 'I like double entry, golden showers, cum in my eye and spit in my mouth.' If this was true, then she would have some SERIOUS self worth issues and should download 'You want me to do WHAT with that?!' straight away. Taking that much of an interest in something that is meant to provide stimulation for a quick one , is a strong indicator that...your man has a BIG problem. 17 You are exhausted all the time - unfortunately not from all that great sex you have not been having, but because he's awake all night feeling wired and then calling on your emotional support because he's depressed and too tired to work the next day.

IMPORTANT! If you are involved with a porn addict I will give you a step by step guide of what to do to let him know ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! YOU can't change HIS addiction But you can STOP enabling it. Unless HE actively seeks help because HE sees he has a problem and HE is determined to do something about it then you must evaluate the effect HIS addiction is having on YOU. and ACT ON IT!
Lindsay McKinnon. Feb 2011. All rights reserved. First published on www.dontrewardbadbehaviour.com Copying or reproduction of this work in any format is not permitted without express permission of author.

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You WILL feel the following: Unattractive, Undesirable, like you've lost your mojo Resistible Sexually unwanted Rejected Surplus to requirements Repulsive not just to him, but the constant barrage of unfavourable comparisons, criticisms, rejections, emotional distance etc, can have a catastrophic effect on your self image, self esteem and your sexual self especially in the woman who is ADDICTED TO LOVE
Lindsay McKinnon. Feb 2011. All rights reserved. First published on www.dontrewardbadbehaviour.com Copying or reproduction of this work in any format is not permitted without express permission of author.

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Overcoming Addiction to Porn Page ten

There are groups that can help him, if HE chooses, like couples counselling that you can do together, before it's too late to save the relationship - and more importantly to save yourself Get a copy of my book;

You Want Me To Do What, With That?!

The Life Expectancy of a Relationship With a Porn Addict and Join our

Campaign for Real Men Not Porn Eunochs on Facebook

For your chance to have your experiences or questions included in one of my books, please contact me at

realmennotporneunuchs@yahoo.co.uk
Anything you share is 100% confidential names and identifiers will be changed. Anyone whose experiences are included will receive a FREE copy of the ebook.

One last point: Overcoming addiction to porn is harder to overcome than

cocaine addiction
Lindsay McKinnon. Feb 2011. All rights reserved. First published on www.dontrewardbadbehaviour.com Copying or reproduction of this work in any format is not permitted without express permission of author.

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Paramour or Porn Perv?

1. You open your Christmas present expecting sexy lingerie, but instead find a rubber body suit and a gas mask. 2. You go out together to buy sex toys; expecting a jolly time at Ann Summers, you end up instead in the catheter aisle of a medical supply store. 3. You enter the boudoir wearing nothing but a seductive smile and he absent mindedly points the remote at you to see whats on the other channel. 4. You arrive home unexpectedly to find your petrified cat dressed in your underwear and tied to the bed. 5. At the height of his passion he goes through half a dozen names (Tiffany, Amber, Roxy) before he remembers yours. 6. You are now painfully aware exactly how it feels to be a glove puppet. 7. You suggestively tell him to find a comfortable spot, from which to watch you strip, and he excitedly steps in to the wardrobe. 8. The post coital Kleenex has been replaced with industrial strength cleaner and a scrubbing brush. 9. Fishing for an increasingly rare compliment from him, you coyly ask if there is anything about you that he would change - he responds by producing a brochure for a plastic surgeon with half a dozen procedures already highlighted. 10. You arrive back from a weekend away to find your exercise room has been converted into a bondage chamber.

Lindsay McKinnon. Feb 2011. All rights reserved. First published on www.dontrewardbadbehaviour.com Copying or reproduction of this work in any format is not permitted without express permission of author.

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11. He can never remember your birthday or anniversaries, but he has a dossier of background info on his favourite porn stars that would be envied by the FBI and he can recite at will. 12. He has been banned from using public transport due to a series of what he called, paranoid misunderstandings but the charge sheet referred to as frotteurism
*frotteurism is the term used for the intentional rubbing up against or touching of another, usually unsuspecting, person for the purpose of sexual arousal. It is also classified as one of the "courtship disorders". The incidents usually occur in crowded settings where it can be interpreted or disguised as inadvertent behaviour. Hucker, MB, BS, FRCP(C), FRC Psych Consulting Forensic Psychiatrist, Professor, Law & Mental Health Program, University of Toronto

13. Romantic candlelit dinners and loving foreplay have been replaced with him putting on your Marigolds and instructing you to brace yourself . 14. You share your most intimate sexual fantasy and his response is to shrug indifferently and ask why youre telling him. 15. You pass wind when youre making love - but you quickly go from a little embarrassed to highly suspicious when your lover responds by pulling a puncture repair kit out of his bedside table. 16. He thinks you should have separate holidays and mentions hes already booked his ticket to Thailand. 17. No, he cant see how Bang that Ho and Tear the Skank a New Ahole. could be viewed as degrading in any way. 18. His response to you actively seducing him is to push you off half way through declaring, now I know how it feels to be abused! 19. His greatest sexual fantasy is for you to stop bugging him about sex and let him wank-to-a-skank on the internet in the other room. 20. The room that was destined to be the nursery has been turned into an intricately catalogued storage unit for his collection of porn DVDs.
Lindsay McKinnon. Feb 2011. All rights reserved. First published on www.dontrewardbadbehaviour.com Copying or reproduction of this work in any format is not permitted without express permission of author.

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Links to useful sites

Links to other useful sites.

Your Brain On Porn Great Resource site run by Author Marnia Robinson and Psychologist Gary Wilson. This site has been up for about 10 years and is constantly updated with articles and info about porn addiction in general Sonoran Healing Center Sexual therapists Jeff and Francesca Schultz are sexual therapists from Arizona and have yet another great resource site. www.problempornography.com Asoftware company that have developed porn blocking software and will act as sponsors for addicts who want the service. confidential and secure servicce provided . http://www.tamararobinsonemdr.com EMDR therapist Tamara Robinson treats manyporn addicts successfully using this new treatment for psychological disorders. burybob.com A site full of funny videos by this very talented Manchester comedian. askmeforinfo.com Lots of advice on healthy lifestyle choices. anti-pornography.org. Probably one of the biggest resource sites on the net for relationship and sexual education run as a not for profit organisation. innergold.com Run by therapist Gordon Bruin, who has developed a 30 day treatment program based on therapies used at his treatment centre in Utah Partners of Sex Addicts Resourse Centre Run by two women who know what it is like to be living with a porn addict. They have a therapy centre and a great site for partners of porn addicts. Stop child Slavery and many other morality issues are discussed at this site and its affiliates Another great resource site for addicts but also for partners and family.One of the sites that Patrick Trueman ( one of America's leading campaigners) is affiliated to .

And last but not least, Lindsay's own site where you will find lots of videos with experts from the field and a fun quiz to see if you need to worrry about your partner's porn habits. www.dontrewardbadbehaviour.com

Lindsay McKinnon. Feb 2011. All rights reserved. First published on www.dontrewardbadbehaviour.com Copying or reproduction of this work in any format is not permitted without express permission of author.

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