TH E GE N E R A L CO N V E N T -ON IO N

Revolution underway: HOB/HOD quash parliamentary procedure, adopt consensus process

IS S U E 2, 77TH GENERAL CONVENTION

For your misinformation:

Bishop sports bikini, wins 3rd place in Indy Body-Building Competition

Page 5

Gregory Straub caught wearing conservative pinstripe suit

Page 24
Today, the House of Bishops consensed with the House of Deputies on resolution D99%, formally abolishing parliamentary procedure and adopting a modified Consensus Process used by many in the Occupy Movement, sparked in cities across the US. The Rev. Stephanie Spellers, Chaplain to the House of Bishops, has been conducting finger exercises in order to prepare the Bishops for the new method of approving resolutions. Instead of saying Aye or Nay the Bishops will now show support for a resolution by holding their hands in the air and moving their fingers, a.k.a Sparkling. [See page 3.] The Bishop Ninetti Percenti of the Diocese of Lesswall Morestreet Continued on page 3 Scott Gunns closed-toe acolyte tweet thought fake, but was real after all

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Open Table deliberations continue, Eucharist falls to the Convention floor

Page 243
Natl/Intl Concerns Comm: Bishop stumbles, plunges into mysterious Black Hole

Page 7
Keep looking for those articles! Were upping the ante for the first to find them next GC youll get an all-access pass to the House of Bishops, with full voting rights!

Outmoded Provincial model scrapped, TEC opts for Hogwarts Houses

The Episcopal Church continues the restructure shuffle, leaving behind its tried and true Provincial organization and reorganizing itself into Hogwarts Houses. As an exercise in consensus governance, members of respective dioceses were invited to tweet their opinions as to where their dioceses should land. The results were culled by the EPF-YAI/ConventOnion Editorial Staff and the results are as follows: Gryffindor: North Carolina, Minnesota, The Indy Bodybuilding Convention (running concurrently with GC77), Northwestern Pennsylvania, New Hampshire, Connecticut, and Texas Continued on page 3

The General Convent-Onion

Postulants, prospective seminarians wooed on Seminary Row; mistakenly enroll in several schools at once
In the Convention Exhibit Hall, Postulants and prospective seminarians were wooed by the eleven seminaries of the Episcopal Church, as well associated theological institutes and university divinity schools on Seminary Row. The swag was alluring irresistible actually. I didnt realize it until it was too late, admitted Couldnt Makeup-Mymind, Everyone was so nice, the options so compelling. One thing led to another and the next thing I new I had enrolled in three different schools. While the Episcopal seminaries tend to be friendly towards one another and try to work with their students, it is doubtful that they can allow them to concurrently enroll. Two MDivs at once? Thats excessive, remarked the Crusty Old Dean. Theyll be drawing a pension before they see the inside of a parish! What can I say? I was roped in, explained another student in the perplexing situation. It was the lanyards. [See left.]

EPF Young Adult breaks down, buys Starbucks

Despite the Episcopal Peace Fellowships ongoing boycott of Starbucks stemming from the groups commitment to nonviolence and in protest to the major coffee retailers allowance of guns on its premises a member of the Young Adult Initiative was caught red-eye-coffee-handed. I just needed my fix, said the embarrassed, caffeine-buzzed youngin. You can only resist their wily trappings for so long. I mean, theyre everywhere! No, really. Everywhere. And, oh God, the smell the SMELL! When the complicit offender was asked if he would do it again, he replied: Um, probably.

HOB on edge: Weapons of Mass Distraction found on floor

Upon the opening of todays session, a crowd gathered around Table 5 in the House of Bishops to determine the origin of an unclaimed weapon of mass distraction: an iPhone. Although the device was not equipped with Siri technology, experts have confirmed the portable smart phone was capable of text messaging, posting on the twitter, and even the facebook. One bishop commented after leaving the compromised area where the questionable device was found: These devices are the source of the type of open, transparent communication oh, sorry, just saw on my twitter feed that Q789 passed! Another bishop mused, I wouldnt be surprised if this device was planted here by the House of Deputies. Yet another added, What? Sorry, I wasnt listening. I was texting pictures of my dog. Isnt she cute!?!

Issue 2, 77th General Convention

Consensus Process Contd said I never knew how easy and useful these hand signals were. I think Ill occupy our next Diocesan Convention, use these hand signals, and move Convention to a nearby park where we will erect tents for each constituent parish. Hopefully no one will be arrested, but we will respect a diversity of tactics as we discuss diocesan affairs and move resolutions. The President of the HOD, Bonnie Anderson, added: I am tremendously excited that I will no longer have to ask deputies for what reason they rise to the microphone. I will be able to just look at their hands and know if they have a question, a point of process, etc. It is unclear how the Deputies and Bishops will be trained in the intricacies of this process as the resolution was not funded. There is speculation that they will apply for a grant from Trinity Wall Street. D99% also proposes that the House of Deputies will begin using the human microphone. Finally this resolution opened up speaking and voting privileges to all who show up at General Convention in an effort to be more horizontal in the Church structure. A member of Occupy Wall Street commented, under condition being Anonymous: I think it is great that the Church is finally embracing the structure of the 99%. However, I wont be there as Im an atheist. Other Convention attendees were more reticent to accept the proposed resolution. Said an exasperated Likesit Theoldway of Whychange, ID: You thought the parliamentary stuff took forever Were in for it now. Watch my words, warned another, after GC78 well be begging for a pope to just tell us what to do! To which a stander by promptly responded with a block.

OCCUPY AUSTIN
HAND SIGNALS
SPARKLING/ SPARKLY HANDS
( I like what Im hearing, I consent to this )
( both hands raised with ngers pointing up and being wiggled )

NEUTRAL
( I dont know how I feel about what im hearing )

DISAGREE
( I dont like what im hearing with what's being said )
( both hands lowered with ngers pointing down and being wiggled )

CLARIFYING QUESTION
( A question, eliciting a short answer, that clari es a proposal )
( a single hand formed in the shape of a C )

FRIENDLY AMENDMENT
( A suggested modi cation to a proposal to resolve a concern )

POINT OF INFORMATION
( A short brief, fact that relates directly to what is being announced or proposed )

CONCERN
( Dissent with a proposal, based on the principles of the group )
( make a "V" with thumb and fore nger )

WRAP IT UP
( We respect your idea but get to the point )

HARD BLOCK POINT OF PROCESS

( Used to bring attention to facilitators that GA is o -topic/out of process ) ( Used to block consensus if a proposal violates the values of the group. )
( hold your arms crossed against chest )

Hogwarts Houses Contd Ravenclaw: Massachusetts, Virginia, Arizona Hufflepuff: Central Gulf Coast, Central New York, Fort Worth Slytherin: Ohio (apparently the bishop has one Slughorn-like mustache) We hope the move will put the, uh, magic back into TECs organizational life, said Harry Potterfan of the Diocese of Little Whinging. Others saw an opportunity to build new relationships across the church that transcended geographical boundaries. The Sorting will be very important, noted

Deputy Housemistress Minerva McGonagall, as the Houses will be something like your family within the new Hogwarts structure. Deputy McGonagall will be charged with overseeing the communal life of dioceses in the new structure. Bishops seem especially excited about the new Room of Requirement that will accompany the new structural arrangement. Finally, Ill have somewhere to hide when the Death Eaters come around, said one bishop anonymously, adding: Im ready to get on the Hogwarts Express!

The General Convent-Onion

Episco-fashions
Who said you cant serve God and look freakin awesome doing it!?! While this periodical is lightheartedly satirical, here we sincerely highlight some of our favorite fashions at GC77

Libra Good thing you brought that extra bag. You are going to need it to hold all of the swag you pick up in the exhibition hall. Scorpio Be extra careful while helping with communion. We dont want any Body of Christ, Cup of Salvation. Sagittarius Avoid the awkward moment! Be sure to review Roberts Rules of Order, you dont want to call the question when you meant to discuss. Capricorn You know that they say the early bird catches the worm but imagine how many more worms the bird who stays up all night catches! Think about that the next time you have a hearing or reception late at night. Aquarius Dont be scared to speak up today! Let your voice be heard. Unless, of course, discussion has closed. Pisces Sometimes it feels like things in our lives are missing. If you feel this is the case, please see a legislative aid.
We predict more horoscopes will appear in your future.

The Last Issue

Thanks so much for the overwhelmingly positive response to our first issue. We had a blast writing it; very glad it was well received. This will be our last issue for now, but be on the lookout for more at GC78! Laugh responsibly, EPF-YAI

Blame for this publication is attributable to: Episcopal Peace Fellowship Young Adult Initiative.

YO U N G AD U L T IN IT IA T IV E