Dealing with

Difficult People




Agenda
Understanding Difficult
People/Behavior
Types of Difficult
People/Behavior
Dos and Donts of Managing
Difficult Interactions with
Types of Difficult
People/Behavior
General Tips and Strategies

Understanding Difficult
Behavior
Difficult people are usually a result of
conflicting personalities not because
of intentional behaviors
If you notice someone is more difficult
around you than others, it may be
because your personalities clash
Its important to remember we can all
be difficult whether we mean to or not
NO FEAR! Ill give you some tips to
help you deal
Eventually we will find (mostly
in retrospect, of course) that
we can be very grateful to
those people who have made
life most difficult for us.
Ayya Khema
Source: When the Iron Eagle Flies: Buddhism for the West
Recognizing Difficult People
Some key characteristics
Theyre never satisfied
I pay to go here, I should get to do whatever I
want.
I pay my student activity fee! Do this program
now!
They dont communicate easily with
others
Because I said so.
They can be argumentative and
unreasonable
They often use their power to obstruct
Do you know who my father is?
I will sue you.
Resistance is thought
transformed into feeling.
Change the thought that
creates the resistance,
and there is no more
resistance.

-Robert Conklin
Recognizing Difficult People
"Coping With Difficult People" by Robert M. Bramson, Ph.D.
identifies seven different types of difficult people/behavior:
The Sherman Tank
The Exploder
The Complainer
The Clam
The Wet Blanket
The Know-It-All
The Staller

Lets go over the characteristics of these people so you can
identify their behaviors, then well discuss the dos and donts
specifically for those people/behaviors!
The Sherman Tank
Characteristics
Always on the
attack
Abusive
Intimidating
Overpowering
Always right
Lack of caring and
respect for others
Dos and Donts
Dont worry about being
polite; Just get your point
across any way you can
Dont argue with what they
say
Dont try to cut them down
Do maintain eye contact
Do state your own opinions
and thoughts forcefully
without apology
Do be ready for negotiation


The Exploder
Characteristics
Temper tantrum
behavior
Raging outbursts
that are out of
control
Shout, throw
things, and often
say regrettable
things
Behavior result of
feeling threatened
and cannot cope
with the situation
Dos and Donts
Do give them time to
wind down
Do switch to a problem-
solving mode of
interaction
Do use active listening
skills to show that you
take their concerns
seriously
Dont allow for them to
maintain behavior in a
public area (Move to a
more private area to
calm down)
Dont initially force them
to calm down, let them
try to gain self control on
their own

The Complainer
Characteristics
Finds fault with
everything
Hold idea that someone
should be doing
something about their
problems
Will not engage in
productive problem
solving discussion
Often feel powerless to
change the situations
that they complain about
Like to feel free from
responsibility with a
problem
Dos and Donts
Do listen attentively to
their complaints
Do show them you hear
them by using
paraphrasing or
summarizing
Do state the facts
without comment
Do ask the complainer
How do you want this
discussion to end?
Dont agree or
apologize about their
complaints
Dont allow a
accusation-defense-
reaccusation pattern
develop
The Clam
Characteristics
Silent
Just yes and no
answers
Hard to open us
Maintain stance
Easily mask fear
and anger
Refuse to
cooperate
Wont effectively
communicate
Dos and Donts
Do ask open ended
questions
Do wait for a response
Do be patient and plan
to spend extra time with
them
Do comment on what is
happening during
interaction and
discussion
Dont break silence
while waiting for a
response
Dont hurry conversation
along by filling up
conversation with your
own talk and chatter
The Wet Blanket
Characteristics
Responds to
anything with a
quick and negative
response
Has the it wont
work, dont bother
attitude
Feel as though
everything is out of
their control
Bitter about life
Negative and
critical
Dos and Donts
Do know your own
tendencies of pessimism
Do be optimistic and
realistic in interaction
Do consider possible
negative outcomes of
the problem
Do be prepared to take
action on your own
Dont argue them out of
their pessimism
Dont offer solutions
until the problem has
been thoroughly
discussed
The Know-It All
Characteristics
Expert on all
matters
Feel others are
stupid or
uninformed
Often react to
others knowledge
with anger,
withdrawal, or
irritation
Likes control of
everything
Dos and Donts
Do be prepared and
have all information
possible
Do listen carefully and
paraphrase main points
Do be tentative in
disagreements
Do use questions to
raise problems
Dont act like a Know-It-
All back
Dont over-generalize
and be as specific as
possible
The Staller
Characteristics
Indecisive
Lack follow-through
Leave others to do
work
Undependable
Typical response is
no response
Cannot make up
their minds
Dos and Donts
Do be open to listening
to conflicts and
difficulties Stallers have
in making choices and
decisions
Do listen for indirect
cues for underlying
issues
Do use problem solving
techniques
Do concentrate on facts
Do support any decision
making the Staller can
offer
Dont fully depend on a
Staller to get something
done
General Tips and Strategies
Be proactive
oHave a plan
oPrepare for worst possible situation
Listen
oLook and sound like you are listening-
Maintain eye contact, nod your head and look
interested
oIf the other person senses that you care and
that youre interested, theyre likely to become
more reasonable


General Tips and Strategies
Choose Words Carefully
oThere are certain Trigger Words that can
cause people to become more difficult
especially in emotionally charged situations.
oThese Trigger Words include:
oCalm Down!
oYou have to
oYou cant
oSorry
oBut

General Tips and Strategies
Empathize
o This has to be a genuine response or the
person will feel patronize
o The basic message is I understand that
you feel ___.
o Empathy isnt an agreement but
acceptance
o Dont use Im sorry. It is overused. Use
I apologize. if you are going to be
apologetic
General Tips and Strategies
Dont overpromise or make threats
that you cannot keep
In difficult situations we are often tempted
to make promises that are difficult to
keep. Be honest.
If you add fuel to the fire (threats), the
person will become more angry and more
difficult
You will lose credibility if you cannot keep
promises or follow through with the
threats

Confrontation
Giving Constructive Feedback
Take an honest look at where you're coming from. If there's some anger or
resentment toward the team member, then you're probably not the best person
to offer them advice.


Start and end with a compliment. Find something good to say about your
team member, this will help him or her take in your advice. At the end of the
conversation, it will help your team member to feel that they aren't a failure or
that you're not angry.


Listen to your own voice. The tone of your voice can communicate as much
(if not more) than the words you choose. If there is an edge to your voice it will
be harder for your team member to take in your request.


Eye contact is important It helps both of you stay focused and it
communicates sincerity. It will also help you stay on topic. If you're working on
the computer or busy with something, stop what you're doing and look at the
person you're speaking to.



Choose the best time and place. Never give criticism in public, in front of
another person, or when you or your team member may be too tired or hungry
to deal with it appropriately. If you're physically uncomfortable you may not be
in the best frame of mind to talk about a difficult subject.


Do your best to avoid hurting your anyone's feelings. Use a softened
start-up followed by a gentle suggestion. For example you could say, "I really
like the way to talk to your supervisor, you would get a better response from
your team members if you spoke to them in the same way.


Talk about the behavior not the person. Feedback is not about insulting
someone's behavior, it's about telling him or her how to be better. For
example, you would never say to a child, "You are a mistake." Instead you
would say, "You made a mistake."


Use gentle humor if possible. If you can deliver criticism in a light-
hearted manner, it will be received in a much more positive way.
Humor doesn't diminish the seriousness of the feedback you are
giving, it actually helps the person receiving the direction to open up
and take it in.


Work with your team member to improve the situation. This will
help him or her to make the appropriate adjustments sooner rather
than later. It will also strengthen your bond as a team. Making
changes is easier if you have someone supporting you.


Don't harp. Once you have asked for what you need from your team
member, let it go. If you have to ask someone to do something four
times, I can promise you that the person in question has heard what
you have to say. If you've reached an agreement or agreed to
disagree, let it go and move on, holding a grudge is a waste of time.

Confrontation
Receiving Constructive Feedback
1. Recognize the value of constructive criticism. Such criticism
can improve relationships and productivity.

2. Engage in perspective taking or role reversal. Try to
understand the perspective of the person offering criticism.

3. Acknowledge criticism that focuses on your behavior. Attempt
to transform criticism that seems directed at your "person" to
specific behavioral issues.

4. Listen actively. Even though criticism may hurt, seek to
understand accurately the criticism being presented.
a. Paraphrase what the other is saying.
b. Ask questions to increase understanding.
c. Check out nonverbal displays (check your perceptions).

5. Work hard to avoid becoming defensive. Resist any tendency
to want to dismiss criticism or retaliate.

6. Welcome criticism; use the criticism appropriate to improve.

7. Maintain your interpersonal power and authority to make your
own decisions. Criticism, when directed at one's "person," may
weaken one's resolve. Focus the other's criticism on your
actions. Seek ownership of solutions.

8. Seek constructive changes to the behavior that prompted the
criticism.

9. Insist on valid criticism. Valid criticism:
a. addresses behaviors.
b. is timely.
c. is specific.

10. Communicate clearly how you feel and think about the
criticism and receiving criticism. Use "I" messages.

LETS PRACTICE!
Confrontation
Situation 1:
You are in a group for a class project and one of your
group members is not doing ANY of the work and has
failed to hand in their portion of the assignment.

Meanwhile, there is another group member who is being
very controlling and has taken it upon themselves to do
all of the project and to edit the work youve handed in.

As a group member who doesnt want to do others work
but wants to contribute to the group, how would you
approach these two people and give them constructive
feedback.

Situation 2:
You are President of SUB and you are planning an event.
You have delegated job duties to each Eboard member
so that the event will be successful and it is not all on
one person. Although youve delegated tasks, you still
are controlling and micro-manage the event planning.
You take over on all decisions and leave the Eboard
feeling untrusted and that they cant handle the tasks
given.

You are the Vice President and Treasurer. You feel like
you could have handled the tasks and done a good job.
You feel like the President should have trusted you and
handled the situation better. Together, confront the
president, tell the president how you feel and give them
constructive feedback as to how to better handle these
types of situations.