9 THINGS FORGIVENESS IS

Misconceptions of Forgiveness

NOT
excerpted from "Taking Out the Trash," chapter 5
ofReal Marriage

1. FORGIVENESS IS NOT
DENYING, APPROVING, OR
DIMINISHING SIN THAT IS
COMMITTED AGAINST US.

We cannot say we are fine, that it was

no big deal, or that, since it was in the
past, weve just moved on. We must
be honest about the reality of the sin if
we want the forgiveness to be equally
earnest. In forgiving, we are, in fact,
saying they are wrong, we do not
approve of their sin, and that it really
is a big deal and not a trivial matter to
us.

2. FORGIVENESS IS NOT
NAVET.

Nave people are prone to live as if the

world were not filled with depraved
sinners capable of evil, and they often
become nave by not really looking at
the sinfulness of sin, including their
own. Such people are not forgiving sin
as much as they are ignoring it.

3. FORGIVENESS IS NOT
ENABLING SIN.

To forgive people is not to remain stuck

in their cycle of sin, thus being
complicit and enabling their continued
transgression.

4. FORGIVENESS IS NOT
WAITING FOR SOMEONE
TO ACKNOWLEDGE SIN,
APOLOGIZE, AND REPENT.

The sad truth is that some people will

never fully repent, and others never at
all. Others we will never see again, or
they will die before we hear an
apology. We forgive because it is what
God requires and what we need, not
because our offenders have
apologized.

5. FORGIVENESS IS NOT
FORGETTING ABOUT SIN
COMMITTED AGAINST
US.

It is actually impossible to completely

forget such things. This is why when
God says, Their sin I will remember no
more, it does not mean that he has
no memory, but rather that he
continually chooses not to bring it up
or keep it in the forefront of his
thinking. Indeed, becauseGod is allknowing, it is, in fact, impossible for
him to actually forget something.

6. FORGIVENESS IS NOT
DYING EMOTIONALLY AND
NO LONGER FEELING THE
PAIN OF THE
TRANSGRESSION.

Rather, forgiveness allows us to feel

the appropriate depth of grievous pain
but choose by grace not to be
continually paralyzed or defined by it.

7. FORGIVENESS IS NOT
A ONE-TIME EVENT.

Those who have been sinned against

commonly have seasons when they
feel afresh the pain of past hurts and
have to forgive their transgressors yet
again.

8. FORGIVENESS IS NOT
RECONCILIATION.

It takes one sinner to repent, and one victim to

forgive, but it takes both to reconcile. Therefore,
unless there is both repentance by the sinner
and forgiveness by the victim, reconciliation
cannot occur, which means the relationship
remains continually broken until reconciliation
does occur. Forgiveness is the beginning of
potential reconciliation but is not in and of itself
reconciliation. Forgiveness takes a moment. The
trust that reconciliation requires is gained
slowly and lost quickly.

9. FORGIVENESS IS NOT
NEGLECTING JUSTICE.

In fact, if a crime has been committed, we

can simultaneously forgive someone and call
the police to arrest him or her. God will deal
with every sin of every human being justly.
For those who repent of sin and come to
faith in Jesus Christ, justice came at the
cross of Jesus, when our Savior suffered and
died in our place for our sins. For those who
do not repent of sin and come to faith in
Jesus Christ, their justice will come in the
punishment that is assigned to them in the
conscious eternal torments of hell. By not
seeking vengeance, we are not neglecting
justice, but rather trusting God for perfect