How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk

Powerful tools for

getting to know
potential partners

In his book, How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk, John Van Epp offers some
very helpful guidelines for making wise decisions that are likely to
lead to dating and marital successand for avoiding some of the
most common marital disasters. He suggests that it has a lot to do
with how we get to know others and how we establish intimacy.
He suggests that many well-meaning people set themselves up for
failure by developing trusting, relying upon, committing to and making
physical contact prematurelymoving beyond the level to which we
really know that other.
Dr. Van Epp points out that many people experience great frustration
and disappointment as they develop deep commitments and
attachments to persons with whom we are very unlikely to ever
create a satisfying marriage. He points out that most of these
catastrophic relationships are surprisingly easy to avoid by getting to
know others in a thoughtful, intentional manner.

But first, what does Dr. Van Epp mean when he writes about taking
care to avoid marrying a jerk?
He is describing clear, discernable patterns of behavior that predict
relationship failure. These patterns are easy to see if you keep both
eyes wide open
and learn to control your urge to act as if that person is worthy ofor
prepared foryour attachment.
So lets discuss what he means when he talks about jerks.

What is a Jerk?
As Van Epp rightly points out that no one really deserves to be called a
jerk just for acting like one occasionally. (We all do, of course.) But
he explains that some patterns of behavior spell trouble for a
relationship that goes beyond casual friendship. He identifies three
in particular:
1. The habit of breaking boundaries

The Player
The Space Invader

2. An inability to see things form anothers perspective

3. A dangerous lack of emotional controls and tendency to control
oneself
Well take a very brief look at each before discussing what we can do to
avoid potential problems.

What is a Jerk?
The Player:
Players have insatiable appetites for attention and the intoxicating
excitement of infatuation. For a player, living within the fences of one
relationship is both boring and unfulfilling. Players feel trapped by any
sense of commitment and are addicted to the frequent fix of new love.
But dont expect them to immediately extinguish the old flame. The
irony of players is that they often try to keep one relationship burning
while they ignite another. (Van Epp, 7,8)
Does this sound familiar? Players are often very popular because they
dive into relationships with great enthusiasm and after often quite
charismatic.
But how could one possibly expect thisor any otherto behave
differently after engagement or marriage? After all the best predictor
of future behavior is past behavior.

What is a Jerk?
The Space Invader:
The space invaders motto is, What is mine is mine, and what is
yours is mine. Space invaders have a never ending entitlement to
your attention, interest, money, time , and emotional support. But a
relationship with a space invader is never a two-way street. You
must conform to their agenda or you will be left behind. Count
yourself fortunate if you are ever left behind. (ibid)
While this is a bit over-stated it is clear that we need to watch for
patterns in which someone makes unreasonable demands on our
time, attention or other resourcesbeyond what the relationship
and circumstances warrant. Accommodating or accepting this kind
of behavior leads towell, more of this kind of behavior.

What is a Jerk?
Inability to see things from anothers perspectives
While we all have limitations in our ability to readily perceive and
respond to the perspectives of others these blind spots create
challenges. But some people have such limited ability to do so that it
leads to frequent misunderstandings and great frustration.
When one remembers that our purposes in marriage include
becoming one and working closely together to meet the needs of
each family member, we can see how problematic this pervasive
blindness can be.
This personal handicap will handicap a marriage in each of its
facets.

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What is a Jerk?
A dangerous lack of emotional controls and tendency to control oneself
It should be obvious just how dangerous it is to blend ones life with
someone who has a difficult time controlling his or her emotions.
This often leads to physical violence, but also general instability and
even substance abuse.
Each of us has to struggle with our emotions, and most of us get
better at regulating ourselves as we grow older and have more life
experience. But it would be a great mistake to become committed to
someone who cannot commit to behaving in a responsible manner.
It may seem attractive to pick someone who seems emotionally
vulnerable, or perhaps crazy with love for us. But it is likely to
interfere with the kind of marriage that brings true success.

What is Love?
Van Epp notes that few of us intentionally or knowingly step into deep
relationships with people we would consider bad investments. The
most common problem is that people accelerate the pace of the
relationship when thinking that we know that person well, when we
are actually just becoming familiar with them in superficial ways.
The initial and overwhelming feelings of closeness and connection
cloak the problems that eventually will turn you off. Because of your
accelerated relationship, you become infected with the love-is-blind
syndrome and run the high risk of making a commitment to
someone you later realize is a jerk. (pp. 20, 21)
In fact, what we call love is a range of emotions and thought
processes. Van Epps made some unique contributions to how we
can discern the range of emotions and behaviors in a way that helps
to make sense of some things that would otherwise be
overwhelming.

What is Love?
He noted that love is a rather abstract notion and looked for a graphic
means of examining and discussing the various dynamics that make
up relationship bonds.
The five fundamental dynamics are the depth to which you know,
trust, rely on, have commitment to, and have sexual involvement
with another person. (p. 22)
Van Epps RAM model helps us to visualize and recognize how these
five factors influence one another, and the importance of building
relationships in the proper order.
He suggests that one think of these five factors as the equalizer on a
sound system, with five sliding switches that move up and down.
You might also consider five side-by-side sliding dimmer switches
for the lighting in a room.

Relationship Attachment Model

Know

Trust

Rely

Commit

Each slider represents one

Couples have high,
of the five fundamental
medium or low levels on
dynamics which make up
each one of the sliders.
human (adult) attachment.

This scale may represent There is a relatively low

a couple that has been level of touch, but they
recently begun dating
also have limited
exclusively.
commitment, dont rely on
each other for much, and
are still growing in trust.

Touch

But it is most important

that each slider is at least
a little lower on the scale
than the one before it.

All of this is also wisely

limited by the little that
they know about one
another.

Relationship Attachment Model

Know

Trust

It would certainly be very silly for

someone to trust someone more
than he or she knows that other
person.
Relying on that person more
than one knows and trusts that
person would be very foolish.
Committing to that person at a
higher level than I know, trust
and can rely one someone is
ridiculous!
Getting these different
dynamics out of proper
order, even a little, leads to
an out-of-balanced and very
risky relationship.

Rely

Commit

Touch

Physical intimacy or touch has an almost

intoxicating effect. It always changes a relationship.
Dont believe me? What happens whenever you
smooch with your FHE brother or sister? Once you
put your lips on someone it changes the
relationship for ever.
If kissing is like glue then greater physical/sexual
contact is like superglue. It acts as a bonding agent
to bind couples together.
It is supposed to be that that way
Its just isnt supposed to happen outside of
relationships in which the knowing, trust, reliance
and commitment are not firmly and fully in place.

Relationship Attachment Model

Know

Trust

Rely

Think now of a couple who has known each

other only a short while but likes to spend a
good deal of time making out on the love
sack in her apartment:
Touch is relatively high on the scale, but they
dont know, trust, or rely upon each other for
much. Commitment is clearly low.
What would you predict in terms of
relationship success?

Commit

Touch

I am guessing that you

would not be investing in
gifts for their temple
wedding right away.

Relationship Attachment Model

Know

Trust

Rely

Now consider this couple, who seem to know

one another pretty well, having gone out on
a lot of varied activities together.
She is thinking he just might be the one, and
is entirely committed to dating him
exclusively.
The problem is that she doesnt really trust
him much. He has not been very trustworthy
But shes sure hell change at some point.
Are you ready to volunteer to be a maid of
honor?
(Male students, please say no.)

Commit

Touch

Im going to go out on a
limb and say this is not a
very solid relationship.

Relationship Attachment Model

Know

Trust

Rely

Consider our last couple in which the man

relies or depends upon his fianc to meet
many of his important needs (financial,
social, etc.) though he does not really know
her particularly well.
What kinds of challenges would you expect
this couple to encounter?
How likely do you think this man is to be
disappointed or frustrated by his fianc not
meeting his needs as he would like?

Commit

Touch

You might want to hold off

with your airline tickets to
this wedding as well
or at least not plan to
participate in their 5th
anniversary celebration.

Relationship Attachment Model

Know

Trust

Rely

Commit

Touch

Quick review:
1. What we call love has many dimensions, including the degree to
which we know, trust, rely up, commit to, and make physical
contact with that other.
2. These dimensions are not measured in terms of on/off or
either/or; we see could more wisely view each as a continuum
from none to totally.
3. Wise individuals and couples are careful to touch or have physical
intimacy on a lower level than their level of commitment,
are less committed to one another than they can and do rely on
one another to get needs met,
rely on one another less than they can truly trust one another,
and know one another more thoroughly than they trust one
another.

Relationship Attachment Model

Know

Trust

Rely

Commit

Touch

Quick review:
4. As couples come to know one another, they may increase on other
dimensions (if it is wise to do so).
5. The governing factor is still always the degree to which we know
another person.
I cannot wisely trust someone more than I know him or her.
It would be quite foolish to rely upon someone to meet my
important needs at a level higher than the degree to which I
know and trust that person.
To commit to someone beyond the level of the knowing, trust
and reliance would b quite foolish.
Physical intimacy is a powerful bonding agent; it would be
very unwise to be bound to someone at a level above the other
dimensions.

Relationship Attachment Model

Know

Trust

Rely

Commit

Touch

Though it may be argued that we never really know someone

completely in this life, trusting, relying, committing and touch are all
decisionsdecisions over which you have power.
Do not risk your lifelong happiness on putting the cart before the
horse
or the later dimensions above the more primary dimensions.
Careful observations of these principles helps to avoid a great
majority of serious disappointments in dating, courtship and
marriage.

Getting to Know You

That presents another important question: How do we get to know the
people in whom we might have an interest?
Dr. Van Epp offers a number of other helpful tips to assist us here as
well. But the wise counsel does not originate with social sciences,
but with the tried and tested model of dating and courtship. This is
not news to us but you will likely be surprised by the clarity of Van
Epps model for getting to know others, and determining the degree
to which we can confidently state that we know someone well
enough to move up the trust, rely, commit and (to the degree
appropriate) touch dynamics.
This model of knowing is found in John Van Epps book, How to Avoid
Marrying a Jerk, published in 2006 by McGraw-Hill.

Getting to Know You

Dating Scrutiny
In reality, you scrutinize much more than just superficial
observations like appearance. It is common to watch everything
early in a relationship and draw broad conclusions from single
incidences. The irony of our scrutinizing is that most people
conclude within a relatively short time that they really know the other
person, and consequently they shut their investigative eyes. Yet the
most significant patterns that influence long-term relationships are
not even evident in the early stages of a dating relationship. Time is
needed to expose these areas and accurately predict what these
patterns mean for a future marriage and family. But all too often,
these patterns dont surface until after your attachment has
increased to the point of overlooking and minimizing problem areas.
(p. 54)

Getting to Know You

While we often see these patterns with others around us we often trust
our own judgment because our emotions are so persuasive. There
is actually a good biological explanation for these flights of fantasy;
our brains are made to dwell on the thoughts or images that support
our emotional states, and to disregard or question the data that do
not resonate with our emotions.
That is why someone can seem so wonderful when we are in love and
then much less attractive when we fall out of love. We frequently
question ourselves thereafter, Why didnt I see [insert negative
characteristic]? It should have been so obvious!
Van Epp points out that we assume that we bond with others after we
get to know them. In fact, we form our bonds with others just as we
are getting to know them. Self-disclosuresharing experiences and
personal informationmakes us feel bonded. (pp. 55-56)

Getting to Know You

So I can feel as if I know someone as I feel connected to them
(bonded), but not really have a clear sense of that persons ongoing
patterns of behavior (including their thoughts and values). As
already noted physical intimacyincluding kissing and cuddling
create powerful bonding feelings without regard for who and what
that other person is all about.
There needs to be some organized way of helping us to be fully aware
both eyes wide openwhile getting to know potential marriage
partners.
Enter

The Know-Quo

Getting to Know You

Dr. Van Epps Know-Quo
The know-quo, or the quotient for knowing someone, consists of
three key components that take you much further than the feeling of
knowing and make up the dynamic experience of truly knowing
another. They can be conceptualized as a mathematical formula, I =
T + T + T. Intimacy equals Talk (mutual self-disclosure) plus
Togetherness (diversified experiences) plus Time. Although these
three threads may seem obvious, it is amazing how many people
neglect one or more of them.

Getting to Know You

The five overall bonding dynamics also applies to the particulars of
this one bonding dynamic: a balance is necessary between what
you know about a person from talking and what you learn from your
experiences in a new relationship. Saying things like Talk is cheap,
Put your money where your mouth is, and Walk the talk have
become popularized because of the fact that talk alone can be
misleading t needs to be matched with actions. Therefore, to truly
know another person, you must engage in a deepening openness
that is matched with a variety of experiences in which you see the
other person in action. (p. 58)
This is good explanation as to why online dating might be okay for
introductions, but is a lousy way to get to know another. The couple
is limited to one small facet of knowing.
Now lets take a closer look at the know-quo..

Getting to Know You

TALK
___________

INTIMACY

Getting to Know You

Talk: Of course we will speak with others in whom we have interest.
Van Epp points out that self-disclosurerevealing thoughts, feelings,
experiences, etc. that may not be obvious. It means sharing those
things of which we may not be proud.
This self-disclosure requires sharing of thoughts and feelings. It
specifically requires sharing our reactions to that other and their
behaviors. We cannot know anotherand be known by that other
unless each of us reveals a great deal about what we have done,
what we do, and what we intend to do.
Van Epp also points out that we need to balance our self-disclosure
with the disclosure of that other person. It would not be healthy or
wise to share freely as another holds back, and vice versa. Wise
people disclose in steps and stages; truly wise people are aware of
these efforts to disclose and dont charge ahead blindly because if
feels so good.

TALK
___________

INTIMACY

Getting to Know You

TALK
+ TOGETHERNESS
___________

INTIMACY

Getting to Know You

Togetherness: This refers to sharing a wide range of experiences
together, that allow us to see one another in a variety of
circumstances.
Dating is very different from hanging out. Elder Dallin H. Oakes has
explained that dating consists of planned activities (clearly defined
with stated objectives), with resources paid for by the man (in most
cases), and in which the two persons are paired off (as opposed to
part of a herd of participants).
Note how these above criteria for dating coincide with the three
objectives defined for husbands in The Family: A Proclamation to the
Worldto preside, provide, and protect. By observing the above
guidelines the couple gets to practice and observe preparedness to
fulfill these responsibilities and roles. Couples who engage in a wide
variety of activities together, from the exciting to the mundane, have a
greater opportunity to accurately predict how each will respond in a
range of marital situations. Ingenious, eh?

TALK
+ TOGETHERNESS
___________

INTIMACY

Getting to Know You

TALK
+ TOGETHERNESS
+
TIME
___________

INTIMACY

Getting to Know You

Time: It is not enough to have self-disclosure and shared
experiences. In order to get a clear sense of the behaviors, attitudes
and values of another we need time. It is fairly evident that most
anyone can maintain a faade (false front) for a short time. But
extended time allows us to get a better sense of how that person
thinks and acts.
It also gives that other a better opportunity to get a clear sense of us
what we value and how we react to situations.
While there is no obvious schedule for knowing another, you cannot
rush intimacy. In general couples who know one another for two years
have about half the divorce rate of couples who date less than two
years (p. 70).
For some reason three moths seems to be critical to getting to know
one another (ibid). We seem to put our best foot forward for a time
and then slack off and get into a pattern. Take advantage of that
tendency to avoid making any form of commitment until 3 months in.

TALK
+ TOGETHERNESS
+
TIME
___________

INTIMACY

Getting to Know You

TALK
+ TOGETHERNESS
+
TIME
___________

INTIMACY

Getting to Know You

The Know-Quo helps to take some of the anxiety and guess
work out of the process of getting to know others with whom we
might wish to create an enduring, fulfilling relationship.
Keep in mind that there are no short cuts; each of the three must
be addressed in order to develop wise confidence in the other
and the relationship we are forming.
Some have suggested that this is selfish or unkind.
I strongly disagree.
Keep in mind that your potential partner also deserves the
opportunity to get to know you through this process as well.
You do both of youand your future childrenan enormous
favor by getting to know one another slowly and methodically as
you develop your trust, reliance, commitment and physical
contact
Remember, there are no shortcuts to intimacy.

TALK
+ TOGETHERNESS
+
TIME
___________

INTIMACY

In Conclusion
We cannot expect to develop enduring, healthy, fulfilling relationships
by taking short cuts. There are processes for getting to know one
another. Honoring these principles builds confidence in ourselves and
our own judgment as well as the other person.
In addition we would be very wise to trust someone no more than we
know them; to rely upon them no more than we wisely can trust them;
to commit to that person no more than we can rely upon them; and by
all means to keep our hands and lips off each other to at least the
extent we withhold commitment.
It makes it much easier to go to our Heavenly Father with our thoughts,
preferences and hopes when we have a plan and a process for getting
to know others. It is also the easiest way to develop confidence in
ourselves and one another.
You can thank Dr. Van Epp later.

In Conclusion
So go into every relationshipespecially marriage with both eyes wide
open.
Once married you might consider closing one eye.
Happy hunting!