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Understanding Parenting

Dr. Kanwal

What tends to be your goals or desires in parenting?

Goals: _____________________
Desires: ____________________

What are your greatest struggles in parenting?

Answers:
___________________________
___________________________

Parenting Focus





(At- Tahrim:6)

"O, Believers Save yourselves and your dependents from the fire
whose fuel are humans and the stones. over which are (appointed)
angels stern (and) severe, who flinch not (from executing) the
Commands they receive from Allah, but do (precisely) what they are
commanded.

Nature of Child
Abu Hurairah reported Allah's Messenger
as saying:
No child is born but upon Fitra. He then
said. Recite: The nature made by Allah in
which He created man, there is no altering
of Allah's nature; that is the right religion.
(Muslim)

Long Term Investment


Prophet said:
When the son of Adam dies, all his
actions have ceased except [three, a
continuing charity, beneficial knowledge
and] a righteous child who prays for
their parent.
(Bukhari, Muslim)

What has changed?


Fast paced lives, consumerism and social change.....

Pressure to buy stuff


Parenting competition
Social alienation
Less home time
Less human interaction
More virtual worlds
More curriculum driven education

What has disappeared?

Gentle touch and games


Story time
Being present not just in the room
Playing real hands on games
Games in the car
Human conversation with real people
Simple toys that dont cost money
Less parent direction

Define Parenting

Process of care taking, educating from


which you help your child grow from
dependent to independent adult

Our common Errors

Static Behavior
Roles in family not defined
Future targets vague
All running after instant gratification
No execution plan

Lost Generations and their Dilemma









But after them there followed a posterity
who missed prayers and followed after lusts
soon, then, will they face Destruction
(Surah Maryam:59)

Fact Sheet
In the primary age range, the impact on achievement
of different levels of parental involvement is bigger
than differences associated with variations in the
quality of schools. Home influence is powerful
because it is enduring, pervasive and direct.
Children absorb enthusiasm and a positive attitude
towards learning from their relationships with adults
at home. A parent who feels it is his or her role and
believes they can make a difference, models positive
interest in learning.
Research by Desforges and Abouchaar 2003

Focus of a Muslim




And this was the legacy that Abraham left to his sons, and
so did Jacob; "Oh my sons! Allah hath chosen the Faith
for you; then die not except in the Faith of Islam.
(Al-Baqarah: 132)

What fears do to us?


Great expectations: I'm afraid my child won't get the
education and opportunities she needs to reach her
potential.
Stranger danger: I'm afraid someone will hurt or
attack my child.
Bullying: I'm afraid my child won't fit in socially or will
get picked on.
Peer Pressure: Im afraid they would get mixed up
with the wrong crowd, get into trouble.

Are you prepared?



Who is your Lord ?
What is your religion ?
What do you have to
say about this person ?



Allah is my Lord
Islam is my religion
Rasoolullah Salla Allahu
ta'ala 'alayhi wa Sallam
(He is the Messenger of
Almighty Allah

Activity
How to prepare children for these
three questions?

Parenting Styles and Outcomes

We know that the way children are


parented when they are young
influences the type of people they
become.
How?
Why?

Authoritarian:
Limits without Freedom
Definition:
Parents word is law, parents have absolute
control.

Misconduct is punished
Affection and praise are rarely give
Parents try to control children's behavior and attitudes
They value unquestioned obedience
Children are told what to do, how to do it, and where to
do it, and when to do it.

Outcomes of Authoritarian Style







Obedient
Distrustful
Discontent
Withdrawn
Unhappy
Hostile
Not High Achievers
Often Rebel

(Ale-Imran: 159)

Children are often prevented


from making a conscious
choice about particular
behavior because they are
overly concerned about what
their parents will do.

Permissive:
Freedom without limits
Definition:
Parents allow their children to do their own
thing.

Little respect for order and routine.


Parents make few demands on children.
Discipline is lax
Parents are resources rather than standard makers
Rarely punish
Non controlling, non-demanding
Usually warm
Children walk all over the parents

Outcome of Permissive Parenting

Aggressive
Least selfcontrolled
Least
exploratory
Most unhappy

Children from permissive


homes receive so little
guidance that they often
become uncertain and
anxious about whether
they are doing the right
thing.

Authoritative:
Freedom within limits.
Definition:
Middle ground between the two above

Stress freedom along with rights of others and responsibilities of


all
Parents set limits and enforce rules
Willing to listen receptively to childs requests and questions.
Both loves and limits
Children contribute to discussion of issues and make some of
their own decisions
Exert firm control when necessary, but explain reasoning behind
it.
Respect childrens interest, opinions, unique personalities.
Loving, consistent, demanding
Reasonable expectations and realistic standards.

Outcomes of Authoritative Style





Happy
Mostly selfcontrolled
Content, friendly,
generous
Cooperative
High-achiever

)al-Nahl: 125(

Children, learn how to


formulate goals. They also
experience the satisfaction
that comes from meeting
responsibilities and achieving
success.

Assess your parenting style

Summery of Parenting Styles

Assess your Parenting Style-1

Assess your Parenting Style-2

Score Yourself

Parenting styles
Fathers:
Roughhouses with children; plays
louder
Encourage competition
Do not modify language for the
childs sake
Talk is brief, direct, and to the point,
with subtle body language and facial
expressions
Help children prepare for harshness
and reality of the real world

Mothers:
Gentle with children; plays
quieter
Encourage equity
Simplifies words and talks on
childs level
Talk is more descriptive,
personal, expressive of feelings,
and verbally encouraging
Help protect children from the
real world

Parenting styles
Fathers:

Mothers:

Model traits of men and how to treat


women

Model traits of women and


how to treat men

Encourage children to take chances,


push limits

Encourages caution and


protection of self

Stress justice, fairness, and duty

Stress sympathy, care, and


help

Encourages independence from


family
Teaches a sense of right and wrong
with discipline

Encourages security in the


family
Teaches a sense of
hopefulness with discipline

1. Children learn about our values through daily


interactions with us.
2. Children learn through our example.
3. Children learn through the values we strive toward.
4. Children learn values through the way we do things as
a class team.
5. Children learn values and beliefs through their
exposure to the larger world.
6. Children learn values through our explanations of the
world.

Understand your child

Need to belong
Seek Attention
Sharp Observation
Reaction to obstacles

There is a mass of research to demonstrate


that the more touch a child gets in
childhood, the calmer and less fearful he is
likely to be in adulthood....

Link child to Allah Taala



(Luqman: 13)

Raise according to Quran and Sunnah


Be right role model
Provide Islamic environment
Paint right picture of Allah Taala
Stories of Rasulillah (SAW) and Sahabah
Ultimate Authority is Allah Taala

Family time..Each day


Dads spend 8 minutes,
Working mothers spend 11 minutes,
Stay-at-home moms spend less than 30 minutes
Nearly 20 percent of students in grades 6 through 12
report that they have not had a 10-minute conversation
with at least one of their parents in more than a month.

Teach them respect


The one who does not have mercy on our younger ones,
and does not show respect to elders is not from among
us. (Bukhari)

Respect vs Disrespect
Role Model respect
Polite manners

3. Your child's room is a mess.


4. It is time for your child to come home, but he/she is in the middle of a
project and wants to finish it first.
5. Your son came in later than he was supposed to with a worried look on
his face.
6. Your daughter came home from the store with a candy bar that was
not hers.
.......................................................................................................................................

Activity

Describe all parenting styles for following


PERMISSIVE: For each of the following situations, you must decide how you, as
situations:
parents, will handle it. Write your answers on a sheet of paper so you can report

them to the class.


1. It is bedtime and the children do not want to go to bed.
2. Your child broke a favorite toy.
3. Your child's room is a mess.
4. It is time for your child to come home, but he/shels-in the middle of a
project and wants to finish it first.
5. Your son came in later than he was supposed to with a worried look on
his face. ,.
6. Your daughter came home from the store with a candy bar that was
not hers.
.......................................................................................................................................
DEMOCRATIC: For each of the following situations, you must decide how you,
as parents, will handle it. Write your answers on a sheet of paper so you can
report them to the class.

I love you Dad


A man was polishing his new car; his 4 yr old daughter
picked up a stone and scratched on the side of the car. In
anger, the furious Man took his childs hand & hit it many
times, not realizing he was using a wrench. At the hospital,
the child lost all his fingers due to multiple fractures.
When the child saw her father, with painful eyes he asked
Dad when will my fingers grow back? The man was so hurt
and speechless. He went back to the car and kicked it many
times. Devastated by his own actions, sitting in front of the
car he looked at the scratches, His daughter had written
LOVE YOU DAD.

To get in touch..

Facebook: Dr. Kanwal Kaisser


Twitter: Dr. Kanwal Kaisser @HamarayBachchay
hbheadoffice@gmail.com

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