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Page 1
Maggie from Lend Me a Tenor

Divorce Papers from Goodbye Charles
Tricia from Dog Sees God
CBs Sister from Dog Sees God
Deirdre from I Hate Hamlet
Carnelle from Miss Firecracker Contest
Linda from Play it Again, Sam
Evelyn from Bums
Vera from Greater Tuna
Madame Rosepettle from Oh Dad, Poor Dad,
Someones Hung You in the Closet and Im Feeling
So Sad
Christine from Missing Marisa and Kissing
Christine
Female Contemporary Comedic

Page 2
Imogen, Cleo, Camping, Emmanuel, and Dick
Monologue
Diana from Moving Diana
Carly from Reasons to Be Pretty
Sally Clown Monologue
Steph from Reasons to Be Pretty (1)
Teddy from The Geography of Luck
Bette from The Marriage of Bette and Boo Bette
Veronica from The Motherfucker with the Hat
Tammy from Pollywog
Gabby from Last First Kiss
Female Contemporary
Dramatic
Dr. Graham from Taste of Sunrise

Gayle from Almost, Maine
Kate from Broadway Bound
Maggie from Cat on a Hot Tin Roof
Katherine from Quilters
Carol from Oleanna
Carly from Reasons To Be Pretty
Georgie from Spike Heels
Susannah from An Experiment with and Air Pump
Rachel from The Dream of the Burning Boy
Sydney from The Beautiful Dark
Kayleen from Gruesome Playground Injuries
Female Contemporary
Page 1

Evelyn from Bums
Madame Rosepettle from Oh Dad, Poor Dad, Someones
Hung You in the Closet and Im Feeling So Sad
Christine from Missing Marisa and Kissing Christine
Imogen, Cleo, Camping, Emmanuel, and Dick Monologue
Female Contemporary
Page 2

Carol from Oleanna
Female Contemporary
Page 3
Veronica from The Motherfucker with the Hat
Sydney from The Beautiful Dark
Female Classical Comedic
Dorine from Tartuffe

Helena from Alls Well that Ends Well
Princess from Loves, Labours, Lost
Helena from Midsummer Nights Dream (1)
Katherina from Taming of the Shrew
Viola from Twelfth Night
Paulina from Winters Tale
Female Classical Dramatic

Page
Rosalind1
from As You Like It
Lady Percy from Henry IV

Queen Katherine from Henry VIII
Ophelia from Hamlet
Isabella from Measure for Measure
Hero from Much Ado About Nothing
Queen Margaret from Richard III
Juliet from Romeo and Juliet (1)
Female Classical Dramatic

Page 2
Julia from Two Gentlemen of Verona

Jailers Daughter from Two Noble Kinsmen
Nina from The Seagull
(1)
(2)
(3)
(4)
Female Classical
Page 1

Rosalind from As You Like It
Ophelia from Hamlet
Female Classical
Page 2

(1)
(2)
(3)
(4)
Female
Page 1

Evelyn from Bums
Madame Rosepettle from Oh Dad, Poor Dad, Someones
Hung You in the Closet and Im Feeling So Sad
Christine from Missing Marisa and Kissing Christine
Imogen, Cleo, Camping, Emmanuel, and Dick
Monologue
Female
Page 2

Carol from Oleanna
Female
Page 3

Rosalind from As You Like It
Ophelia from Hamlet
Female
Page 4

(1)
(2)
(3)
(4)
Male Contemporary
Comedic
Stuart from Beyond Therapy

Eugene from Brighton Beach Memoirs
Jake from Jakes Women
Roy from Lone Star
David from This is How it Is
Stu from California Suite
Loomer from Dead Special Crabs
Male Contemporary
Dramatic
Scoop from The Heidi Chronicles

Beethoven from Dog Sees God
CB from Dog Sees God (1)
Brick from Cat on a Hot Tin Roof
Jimmy from The Gingerbread Lady
Jim from The Glass Menagerie
Biff from Death of a Salesman
Chris from All My Sons
Reverend Hale from The Crucible
Arnold from Biloxi Blues
Doug from Gruesome Playground Injuries
Male Contemporary
Stuart from Beyond Therapy

Eugene from Brighton Beach Memoirs
Jake from Jakes Women
Roy from Lone Star
David from This is How it Is
Stu from California Suite
Scoop from The Heidi Chronicles
Beethoven from Dog Sees God
Brick from Cat on a Hot Tin Roof
Male Contemporary
Jimmy from The Gingerbread Lady

Jim from The Glass Menagerie
Biff from Death of a Salesman
Chris from All My Sons
Reverend Hale from The Crucible
Arnold from Biloxi Blues
John from Summer and Smoke
Male Classical Comedic

Breowne from Loves Labours Lost
Male Classical Dramatic

Jason from Medea
Richard from Richard III
Male Classical
Male
Lend Me a Tenor: Ken

Ludwig
Maggie: II hope you dont mind me being here. The door was openI mean we
knocked first, but you werent here. Which I guess you know, since you were
somewhere else. So then I waited, because I have a message from Aunt Julia. Mrs.
Leverett. Shes not really my aunt, actually. Shes an old friend, but I call her Aunt
Julia in case youre wondering. Anyway, she asked me toto wait here and remind
you that she hopes youll make a speech at the reception. Just a few words, and Im
sure theyd really appreciate it, if you feel like it, which you probably dont, which
is understandable, and thats the message. It was really nothing. II guess I ought
to be going. Well. I dont have to go. If you dont think so. I mean its your
bedroom. Suite. Rooms. Of course, Im sure youd like to just relax a little now and
take off my clothes. Your clothes! Off. Change your clothes, into something more
comfortable. So I probably shouldnt be here for that. If you dont think so.
Goodbye Charles: Gabriel

Davis
I ate them. Thats right. I ate the divorce papers, Charles. I ate them with
ketchup. And they were good...goooood. You probably want me to get serious
about our divorce. The thing is you always called our marriage a joke. So lets use
logic here: If A we never had a serious marriage then B we cant have a serious
divorce. No. We cant. The whole things a farce, Charles a farce that tastes
good with ketchup.
I mean, wasnt it last week, your dad asked you the reason you walked down that
aisle with me, and you said for the exercise. Ha, ha. Thats funny. Youre a funny
guy, Charles. Im laughing, not a crying. Ha, ha. Im laughing because youre
about to give up on a woman who is infinitely lovable.
For instance: Paul. He has loved me since the eighth grade. Sure, hes a little
creepy, but he reeeeally loves me. Hes made one hundred twenty seven passes
at me, proposed forty seven times, and sent me over two hundred original love
sonnets. He sees something in me, Charles. And he writes it down, in metered
verse!
And thats not something you just find everyday. Someone who really loves
everything about who you are as a person. Paul may be insane, but I value his
feelings for me.
I would never ask him to sign his name to a piece of paper promising to just turn
off his feelings for me forever. But thats what youre asking me to do, for you. To
sign away my right to...to that sweet voice Charles, those baby brown eyes, the
way your hands feel through my hair before bed...
Those arent things I want to lose. In fact, I wont lose them. I wont lose you. Ill
woo you. Ive written you a sonnet. Shall I compare thee to a summers day.
Thou art more lovely and more temperate, rough winds do shake the darling buds
of may and... Im not crying. Im laughing. Its all a big joke. Its very funny,
Dog Sees God: Bert V

Royal
Tricia: So, he was all like (imitating Miss Othmar) Woh woh woh. Woh
woh. Woh woh woh wowoh woh. He is such a dick!! So, Im like:
Excuse me, Mr. Von Pfefferkorn, but just because I cant define
metaphor doesnt mean I dont know what one is, you stupid buttwad!
I begged and pleaded to God not to put me in his class. I wanted to be
in Mr. Griffins lit class. He gives As to anyone with tits. But, no, I get
the fag. Well, if he were straight, then obviously I wouldnt be failing his
class. The things is: I really think that God is punishing me for sleeping
with Fatty-fat Friedas boyfriend. (Switching gears) I think I did it,
subconsciously, just because I fucking hate Frieda Fatass. I mean,
seriously, whenever one of us is upset over a real problem, she has to
butt her fat ass in and start crying about how she cant stop puking up
her food. Its so pathetic! I swear to God, if I have to hear her bitch one
more time about how Craig wont sleep with her until she loses weight,
Im going to stick my foot up her ass. That is, if I can find the entrance.
And if shes bulimic, will someone please tell me why shes such a
heifer? I mean, come on, Frieda. She told me the other day she was on
a diet and I was thinking, like: What? You cant eat anything larger than
your head? Survey says YOURE FAT! Take your finger out of your throat
and drag your ass to Lane Bryant. And speaking of her fashion sense,
why is she always wearing that shirt that says WWJD. What the hell is
that supposed to mean? Who wants jelly doughnuts? Oh. What would
Jesus do. Well, He wouldnt wear that ugly-ass shirt with those nastyass

Royal
CBs Sister: Metamorphosis. Transformation. Evolution. Change. I am a

teenage caterpillar. I know of these things. For soon, Ill spin a cocoon.
And from the silklike craft that I will create, a magnificent creature will
emerge. No. Not a butterfly. For butterflies are a dime a dozen.
Destined to flit about for a day or so, then drop dead. Or have its wings
ripped off by a demented child. Or have its body pinned to a piece of
cheap foam core and matted underneath a cheap frame and hung in
the bathroom of an elderly woman who wreaks of Preparation H and
Vicks Vapo-Rub. (Beat.) This will not be my fate. This CANNOT be my
fate. I will become a platypus. Its not impossible. Its just never been
done before. Its only a matter of time, you see. If I stay in my cocoon
longer, Ill change from a butterfly to a swallow and then from a
swallow to a duck and then from a duck to a platypus. Its all just a
matter of time. And time I have. I will wait to become a platypus. I will
be an extraordinary creature. (The lights fade as she pulls a silkscarf
from her pocket and begins to wrap it around herself.) And when I
poked my head out of my cocoon, I realized I had stayed inside for too
long. I had, unwittingly, gone from platypus to beaver to walrus to
chimpanzee to a human. I had evolved much more than I ever wanted
to. Now I would learn to speak and learn to think and ask questions and
make friends and lose friends and cry and laugh and maybe fall in love
one day and maybe see that love go away and maybe climb a
mountain, but I never wanted to do any of these things! I never wanted
I Hate Hamlet: Paul

Rudnik
DEIRDRE: Oh, Andrew. Last night, you were so wonderful. Andrew - I watched you on stage
last night, and I thought - he has worked so hard. He's put his heart and soul into this, and
at least partly for me. And he's so bad. And I thought I'd be demolished, but - something
happened. I mean, people were coughing, and a plane, it just flew overhead, and there were
all those mosquitos. And you just kept on going! And I thought - what makes a hero? It's just
someone who tries to do what's right, despite impossible odds. Like you playing Hamlet!
You're the bravest, noblest man I've ever met! Yes! But then I thought about how I'd put you
off, and how I was just a lady-in-waiting, and I thought I'm not worthy. So you know what I
decided to do? I decided to drown myself! Like Ophelia, in Central Park Lake! Isn't that
perfect?(She runs to the chaise and stands on it.)So I went behind the theater, and I stood
on a rock and braided wildflowers into my hair! And I sang Ophelia's bawdy song
(Singing.
Hey nonny nonny
Hey nonny no no
(Desolate.)But I couldn't jump in. I lost my nerve! and I was so upset that I came back here
and ran up to the roof! And I stood at the edge, and I gazed up at the moon! And I said, oh
Mister Moon, you're so big, and round, and yellow
I know. Please. I thought Deirdre, everyone's right. Get some help. And that's when I felt it.
This breeze, on the back of my neck.(Barrymore blows gently on Deirdre's neck.)Except it
wasn't just a breeze, it was more like a hand.(Barrymore lightly strokes Deirdre's neck.)
A caress. And that's all I can remember, except I woke up his morning in the room up there,
and there was a rose on my pillow. For passion. And my copy ofRomeo and Julietwas lying
open, right to one of Juliet's speeches:
My bounty is as boundless as the sea,
My love as deep; the more I give to thee
The more I have, for both are infinite.
Miss Firecracker Contest: Beth

Henley
Carnell: Popeyes going to be using this red material to make my costume for the
Miss Firecracker Contest. You see, I registered today. See, Elaine was Miss
Firecracker way back when she was just eighteen. Anyway, it was way back that
first year when I came to live with them. She was a vision of beauty riding on
that float with a crown on her head waving to everyone. I thought Id drop dead
when she passed by me. Anyway, I just thought Id give it a whirl. Im twentyfour. Twenty-fives the age limit. I just thought Id give it a whirl while I still could.
Course, dont expect to win--thats crazy. Im just in it for the experience--thatss the main thing. Thats actually why I dyed my hair red; I thought it would
be more appropriate for the contest. Did you bring that red dress along with you
that I asked you about on the phone? Im trying to make crimson red my
thematic color. Ill just need them in the actual contest for the opening Parade of
Firecrackers. Why do you think I should just wait until after the audition and see
if I make the pageant? Dont you think Ill make it? I know they only pick five
girls. Ive thought about it, and I, frankly, cant think of five other girls in town
that are prettier than me. Im speaking honestly now. Course I know theres
Caroline Jeffers, but she has those yellow teeth. I know why youre worried. You
think Ive ruined my chances, cause of my reputation. Well, everyone knew I
used to go out with lots of men and all that. Different ones. Its been a constant
thing with me since I was young and---I just mention it cause its different now,
since Aunt Ronelle died and since I got that---disease. Anyway, I go to church
now and Im signed up to where I take an orphan home to dinner once a week or
to a movie; and I work on the cancer drive here just like you do in Natchez. My
Play it Again, Sam: Woody Allen

Linda: I hope Im not bothering you. . .what do you have for an anxiety
attack? I need a tranquilizer. I have a throbbing in the pit of my
stomach. My stomach feels jumpy. Im finding it hard to breathe. I feel
frightened, and I dont know over what. Oh. . .I always get this way
when Dick goes on a business trip. He had to fly to Cleveland for the
day. I got up, helped him pack, drove him to the airport, and threw up
in the United Airlines terminal. I dont know what it is that upsets me
so. My analyst would say Im feeling guilty because I really want him to
go. I know you dont understand me. . . You think Ive got everything
going for me. Im bright. . .people photograph me for magazines. I
read, play Bach on the recorder, Im happily married. I mean, why
should I be a mass of symptoms? Well, youve got a lot going for you,
too, and youre a mass of symptoms. I guess it happens to us when
were children. . .you know, you think youre ugly and your parents
get divorced. . .you feel abandoned. . .you must have had the same
thing. Do you really think Ive got a lot going for me? Its funny. I never
thought you liked me very much. You know, when I married Dick, I
thought you were an oddball. I never really knew you. I mean we never
spent any time together. Then when the four of us went out together
you acted differently than now. I feel Ive really gotten to know you in
Greater Tuna: Jaston Williams, Joe

Sears, Ed Howard
Vera: (to an audience member)Oh-Hiii. Vera Carp. Welcome to Coweta Baptist
Church, where everybody's welcome. Even Catholics.(to another)Hi. How are
you? Isn't that just the prettiest dress. I used to have one just like that-years ago.
. . Isn't it wonderful how some people can just wear anything!(to another)Why, I
thought you were dead! I don't remember who told me that, but I'm so glad they
were wrong. VERA begins meeting.)I,Vera Carp, Vice-President of the Smut
Snatchers of the New Order, in the absence of our president, the Reverend
Spikes; do hereby declare this meeting to be officially open. Now, we need to
send out a communique from our education committee. Now after all the vicious
things they've said about us in the newspapers, we've decided to become more
flexible on bi-lingual education, and we do indeed have a bi-lingual education
program to submit to the Tuna schools. The difference is, our program is one of
moderation. It entails learning the following Spanish phrases.
"Habla.. usted ingles?", which means, "Do you speak English?"; "Donde puedo
cambiar este cheque?", which is "Where can I cash this traveler's check?"; and
the last one is "No he pedido esto", which is "I didn't order this!" Now that's all
the Spanish any red-blooded American oughta feel obligated to learn. Now let's
just see the newspapers make fun of that! . . . Well, he's still not here,soI'm
gonna forge ahead. We need to send out a snatch squad . . . Well, wedo.We
needtosend out a book-snatchin' squad tothe Tuna High School Library to
check those dictionaries. Now,we have a new list of wordsthat have been
declared possibly offensive or misunderstandable to pre-college students. Now
OH DAD, POOR DAD, SOMEONE' S HUNG

YOU IN THE CLOSET AND I FEEL SO SAD:
Arthur L. Kopit
Roseette: Would you like to see my husband? He's inside in the closet. I had him
stuffed. Wonderful taxidermist I know. H'm? What do you say, Commodore?
Wanna peek? He's my very favorite trophy. I take him with me wherever I go.
Life, my dear Commodore, is never funny. It's grim! It's there every morning
breathing in your face the moment you open your red baggy eyes. Life, Mr.
Roseabove, is a husband hanging from a hook in the closet. Open the door too
quickly and your whole day's shot to hell. But open the door just a little ways,
sneak your hand in, pull out your dress and your day is made. Yet he's still there
and waiting--and sooner or later the mothballs are gone and you have to clean
house. Oh, it's a bad day, Commodore, when you have to stare Life in the face,
and you find he doesn't smile at all: just hangs there--with his tongue sticking
out. I hope you find this funny. I was hoping it would give you a laugh. Why must
we only respect the dead? Why not the living, too? I killed him, of course.
Champagne? To your continued good health. Ah, the waltz, monsieur. Listen. The
waltz. The Dance of Lovers. Beautiful, don't you think?
Now you don't really want to leave--do you, Commodore? After all, the night is
still so young--and you haven't even seen my husband yet. Besides, there's a
little story I still must tell you. A bedtime story. A fairy tale full of handsome
princes and enchanted maidens; full of love and joy and music; tenderness and
charm. It's my very favorite story, you see. And I never leave a place without
telling it to at least one person. So please, commodore, won't you stay?...Good. I
knew you'd see it my way. It would have been such a shame if you'd had to
Missing Marisa and Kissing

Christine: John Patrick Shanley
Christine: I feel sorry for all men. They suffer like dumb beasts. Thats right, Im single.
Being single is mysterious. Its silent. You live large parts of your life unobserved. Theres no
one there saying, "Thats the third time youve gone to bathroom. Why do you laugh like
that? Are you going to do anything today?" Theres no one saying, "You look unhappy. What
is it? . . I dont know what Im trying to say. Single, married, both ways are hard.
Sometimes you want to suffer and not be seen. Then its better to be single. Sometimes you
dont even suffer unless theres someone there seeing you. Then its much better to be
single. Its better to be married when its better to be married. For a woman, its great when
youre checking into a hotel and youre Mrs. Whatever. Very solid feeling. I guess it doesnt
matter whether youre married or nor. I guess I dont think it matters very much one way or
the other. Did you read about the cop who talked a guy out of committing suicide and then
committed suicide himself? Its like he made a deal with Death. That cop made a speech
and turned a man around from taking his own life. Do you believe that somebody could say
something to you that would make your whole life better or work or improve in some
important way? What could someone say to you? After my accident, when I was lying
paralyzed for six months, I had a lot of time to think. I thought about all the cruel things Id
done in my life. I tried to remember every generous thing Id ever done. Moments of insight,
of terrible pain, of pleasure. I tried to see patterns in my lists. I saw some things. I made
some connections. But after a while it all began to dissolve away like a lace cookie dissolves
away in your mouth. Some sweetness, then all gone like a dream. At first it felt like I was
wearing an iron hat that was just a little too small. That was the concussion. My brain was
actually swollen, pressing against my skull. After a time, that lessened. The feeling of the
hat. But I could feel myself then like a tiny object caught in a great flood. I still have that
feeling. Like Im bound up, a little splinter, pitching along in a black rush. People said I was
different after the accident. That the blow to my head had hurt me. Maybe. Six months to
Cleo, Camping, Emmanuelle, and

Dick by Terry Johnson
Imogen: Im sorry. Im always causing arguments. If theres a man and

theres me and then someone else theres usually an argument. I'm
surprised you even remember me. Im flattered. I mean, why was I
then? I was out and about, I know, but Id barely left LAMDA and
honestly I knew nothing. I was nothing. This is such a strange business.
You get a job, you meet someone, you like the, you maybe sleep with
them, the job ends, then you never see them again even though you
always say you will. You made some really good friends on When
Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth, except Raquel of course, but she doesnt
make friends, she just takes the odd hostage. Thing is I haven't seen
anyone since. Except there was a particularly persistent caveman who I
did see once but his wife was pregnant and he just cried all evening.
Everything's so temporary. Thats whats nice about working with you
lot again. (She carries on drinking) You know what I wish? I wish I had
smaller breasts. Then Id get to play some women with small breasts,
and theyre always the best parts. Id really like to play women with no
breasts at all, you know, like in Ibsen. I should never have done the
centerfold. Im actually very versatile. An impressive multifaceted
performance; thats what they said about me as Jenny Grubb in Loving.
And that wasnt just taking off the glasses and letting my hair down,
Moving Diana
Diana: I went to a Quaker school. Absolutely uncompetitive! We used to
have an awards ceremony at the end of the year. Everybody got an
award! Then it dawned on me that if everybody got an award, it didnt
mean anything So I went to the headmaster and I told him, Why
dont you give up the awards altogether. I mean, if everybody gets an
award, it doesnt mean anything. He looked at me and said, Diana,
not everyone realizes that. There are boys and girls who have never
ever gotten an award in their life. It means something to them. So for
that reason we do it. And I said, But do you realize how
condescending that is to them? Its ultimately going to make them feel
worse. He just glared at me and said, Miss Schmidt. Someday,
somebodys going to prick your bubble. I just I couldnt help it. I
burst out laughing. So he called my mother
She came into school. Came in looking like a million dollar. Camels hair
coat. Blonde hair. Looked like a Smith College undergrad. Came in
smelling like an ocean breeze, I looked at her and said to myself, Im
gonna get it. Mr. Dumwalt, the headmaster, told her what I said and
Mom took me aside. She sat me down and said Dont worry about
Mr. Dumwalt. He was born with a pole up his ass! I couldnt believe it. I
think thats one of the reasons Ive never abandoned hope for Mom.
Reasons to be Pretty: Neil LaBute

CARLY Im very attractive. I am. Ive always been that way but its no great big deal to me
if anything, its worked against me for most of my life. (Beat.) Its about this (Points.) My
face. I was born with it, people. Thats all. I have been given this thing to wear around, my
features, and Im stuck with it. And yes, over the years its gotten me things, I wont lie
about that, dates and into clubs that I really wanted to get into or smiles from my father . . .
but as I got older it suddenly became a kind of, I dunno what, but almost like a problem. A
real bother that I dont have any control over. (Beat.) Listen, Im not stupid, I know I should
be thankful, that I should pray to heaven and be happy that Im not scarred or missing an
earI know girls who hate, I
mean, despise their noses and mouths or the fact that their eyes are too far out on their
faces . . . I dont have any of those problems and Im happy about that. I look in the mirror
and I see some beautiful woman looking back at me; my worst day, a line or two, a little
pale or whatnot, but a really good face in there. Smiling. Im not saying that I dont
understand how I got lucky in many ways, I do get that, I do, I just want folks to
comprehend that beauty comes with a price, just like ugly does. A different one, of course,
and Ill take what Ive got, but Ive cried myself to sleep at night because of who I am as
well, and you should know that . . . (Beat.) I hope my babys OK,did I mention that we
found out it was a little girl? But I really hope shes no more than pretty, thats my wish.
That shes not some beauty queen that people cant stop staring at because Id hate that
for her . . . to be this object, some thing that people cant help gawking at. Cause if she is
born like I was, is what Im sayingif she ends up with a face that is some sorta magnet for
men, the way Ive been . . . Id almost rather it was a situation where she was oblivious to it
not blind or anything, I wouldnt wish that on her, but close. Some sort of oblivion that
gets pasted over her eyes so she can go about life and not be aware that people are cruel
in many ways. . . not just with their words but with the ways they look at you and desire you
Clown Monologue
SALLY: I was in the audience. Its like a sick joke - the last thing
my Dad ever gave me. Tickets to Captain Coleman, the day the
guy got stabbed. What is that, ironic? The guy that played Hippy
the Clown takes an eight inch kitchen knife, sticks it through a
paper plate, covers it with whipped cream, and goes out and
pies him. Stabs him in the face on national television in front of
a million screaming kids. Defines my generation - our parents
remember where they were when Kennedy got shot, we knew
where we were when Captain Coleman finally got pied. Hippy
always tried. Hed sneak up with a pie every episode, and then
hed trip, or the door would get opened or something - and hed
get it himself. I hated that. Even as a kid, I just thought that was
so unfair - just once, just once, I wanted to see him make it. Pie
that smug bastard, right in the face. It was... I mean, total
shock. Hippy just walked up and - pow! Cream pie, right in the
Captains face! We were all thinking - he did it. He actually,
finally did it, and we were there for it. We went nuts

STEPHHe hurt me, he really did, you know? I mean, I can take a lot, pretty
much, anyway, but I'm, like, myface? That's shit. It just is ... (Beat.) Not that I
think I'm some beauty an old-fashioned glamour gal or anything, I don't but
I'm not bad, ya know, not bad at all ... and even if I was, ugly, I'm saying, even if
I was not cute or close to that, unattractive by world standards, don't I wanna be
with someone who finds me beautiful? I think so. It's not like a math equation or
anything, it is fairly simple you can't be with a guy who finds you unpleasant
to look at. Not that, but even on the fence ... How can I? Knowing that he's sitting
there at dinner across from me but he's always reaching for something,
thesaltor whatever, or looking around the room, and why? 'Cause he doesn't
wanna make eye contact. That would suck, completely suck if you were that
woman and that was gonna be me I'm saying once I knew how he felt about
me, that was what I had to look forward to. Listen, it's weird, I know that,
because I don't count looks as my top thing in a guy, not at all look at Greg.
He's got a good face, really, not knockout but very OK, yet I never used to even
think it to myself, I mean, envision him in that way. Sometimes, a friend or, like,
some cousin of mine visited a few months back and she whispered to me at a
family thing we were at, a barbecue, "God, he's cute. He'ssocute!" And I looked
over to where she was pointing, expecting to see a boy from the neighborhood
we know a lot of people, having grown up here since, like, forever and she's
pointing at Greg. Just right there, my boyfriend, who's over at the grill and
laughing and making burgers for all of us ... and he was, too. With the sun going

STEPHI really do feel that, that I'm not this person who gets off on looks or the more, like,
physical side of men but when it's the other way around ... [expletive], you know? It just
totally hurts if you find out he's not at all into your face, and why that is I don't know, I
mean, what a scientist would say about it, those people who are studying human behavior
or whatnot ... Not saying this is full of profound insight or anything but any woman I know,
like, my age or younger, she's gonna be super upset if she heard what I did. That her
boyfriend thinks her face is "OK." You can't swallow that down and find a way to come up
smiling or anything, you know what I'm saying? There is just no good way to take that!
(Beat.)Whydo we feel that way, though, I wonder? Is it maybe TV or magazines or
something, our moms telling us that we're pretty no matter what we look like ... I'm not
sure. I just know that women throw everything they've got into their physical being, and a
main part of that themain part is the face. (Beat.) I go nuts if I still break out on my
chin or anything, carry tweezers in my purse, and I'm not even, like, all crazy about it like a
lot of my friends are ... and every one of them, the ones that I've called, at least, they all
said to dump him. They did. Because if he's willing to say that, even to a friend, then you
can bet he's probably thinking even more than you know about. Can youimaginewhat he's
actually feeling about my body, and this isn't about sex, not really, but just how he sees my
legs or arms, anything ... OK, yes, I'm thinking about all the rest of it, too, of course I am!
The words he'll use to describe my breasts or my butt or things like that ... It's too much, it
is, I can't even start to go there without wanting to throw up. I always felt like my face was
one of my better parts and he's talking about me like I'm some oldBuickout in the
backyard that he keeps thinking about fixing but just can't get to it. (Laughs.) "Meant as a
compliment," he says to me, like that should calm my nerves or something, so ... [expletive]
that. I mean, really. [Expletive]. I'm realistic and I know me as a person I don't have that
much going for me, not really. Not all educated and smart or anything, and not gorgeous,
The Geography of Luck: Marlene

Meyer
Teddy: Almost got married one time, to this clown, pretty famous clown,
from Mexico? People like to think that clowns are happy, but he was
real moody, he was always depressed. I remember this one time we
were at this motel in the San Fernando Valley called the Pink Motel?
Supposed to be romantic. We were taking a trial run at, you know,
being together every day and it was out third day and we were
celebrating I was drinking cold duck and he was drinking Romilar
P.M. and he started, screaming, about how I was killing him with my
needs, or knees? I think he said knees. I have this scar
on my knee that used to bug him. He hated scars, any kind of
deformity. He used to ask me, didnt I think he had a perfect body. But
he was small, he was always getting beat up.
So we got into this fight and he pulled out a gun and started shooting
the bed and these motel creeps came and put us out of the room and
we had to sleep in my car and when I woke up the next morning he was
dead.
His name was Coejo. Conejo means rabbit.
The Marriage of Bette and Boo

Bette
BETTE. Hello, Bonnie? This is Betsy. Betsy. ( To remind her.) Bonnie, your grade is eight, and
Betsy, your grade is five. Yes, it's me. How are you? Oh, I'm sorry, I woke you? Well, what
time is it? Oh I'm sorry. But isn't Florida in a different time zone than we are? Oh. I thought it
was. Oh well.
Bonnie, are you married? How many children do you have? Two. That's nice. Are you going
to have any more? Oh, I think you should. Yes, I'm married. To Boo. I wrote you. Oh, I never
wrote you? How many years since we've spoken? Since we were fifteen. Well, I'm not a very
good correspondent. Oh, dear, you're yawning, I guess it's too late to have called. Bonnie,
do you remember the beach and little Jimmy Winkler? I used to dress him up as a lamp
shade, it was so cute. Oh. Well, do you remember when Miss Willis had me stand in the
corner, and you stand in the wastebasket, and then your grandmother came to class that
day? I thought you'd remember that. Oh, you want to go back to sleep?
Oh, I'm sorry. Bonnie, before you hang up, I've lost two babies. No, I don't mean misplaced,
stupid, they died. I go through the whole nine month period of carrying them, and then
when it's over, they just take them. away. I don't even see the bodies, Hello? Oh, I thought
you weren't there. I'm sorry, I didn't realize it was so late. I thought Florida was Central
Time or something. Yes, I got twelve in geography or something, you remember? Betsy,
your grade is twelve and Bonnie, your grade is . . . what did you get in geography? Well, it's
not important anyway. What? No, Boo's not home. Well, sometimes he just goes to a bar
and then he doesn't come home until the bar closes, and some of them don't close at all
and so he gets confused what time it is. Does your husband drink? Oh, that's good. What's
his name? Scooter? Like bicycle? I like the name Scooter. I love cute things. Do you
remember Jackie Cooper in Skippy and his best friend Sukey? I cried and cried. Hello, are
you still there? I'm sorry, I guess I better let you go back to sleep. Goodbye, Bonnie, it was
good to hear your voice. ( Hangs up. Lights change.)
The Motherfucker with the

Hat
Who was who?! There wasnt no who, cuz no one did nothing over here, and youre
out of your mind playin fuckin Sherlock Holmes cuz I dont know why! Whaddya doing?
Jackie, whaddya doing? Whaddya doing? Whaddya gonna drink? A little
misunderstanding happens because youre fuckin stupid, and now youre gonna pick up
a drink and get your ass violated back upstate and ruin everything cuz youre a jealous
maniac with no leg to stand on? Jackie, dont get this twisted cuz I personally dont care
what you do, but, if you want my advice, put down the bottle, go to a fuckin meeting or
something, meet up with that sponsor or whatever. Okay You know what? Lets go
to the pie place, okay? Callate! Look, lets just go to there, to the pie place, and well
have, like, some pie, and well just, like, talk, or not even talk, well just eat pie first and
be. And after that, well talk. You have got this wrong, Jackie. Youre so far out of line
youre like in Zimbabwe or some shit, but I think maybe cooler heads could prevail on
both our parts at the pie place, so lets just go there. Im willing to do that. Im willing to
put the ghetto on hold and eat some fuckin pie with you, if youre willing to entertain
the notion that youre a fuckin retard ex-con who almost blew it cuz you got an
imagination like I dunno Dr. fuckinSeuss an shit. Okay? Look at me: I didnt fuck
nobody. Jackie, you know how I am. You know Im a little fuckin crazy like youre a little
fuckin crazy, and you know Id rather spin on a nuns cunt than give a fuckin inch when
I been wronged. I been wronged here. You wronged me. Really, really fuckin badly. But I
will concede to you and it aint a small confession that I love your ass. And Ill kick a
three-legged kitten down a flight of fuckin stairs rather than say some shit like I love
you. You know that. So lets go get some fuckin pie before someone says something that
cant be changed. Okay?
Taste of Sunrise: Susan Zeder

Dr. Graham: Mr. Tucker? Im Dr. Graham. Im a teacher at the
Central Institute for the Deaf and I understand that you have a
very bright boy. Im not here to talk about tests or cures; Im
here to talk about a school. Ours is a new school, much smaller
than the State School in Jacksonville. Its a private, residential
research facility, totally committed to oral communication.
What if he could talk to you? We can teach Tuc to speak and to
read lips. Oral speech is the sole power to rekindle the light of
intelligence. Your son communicates by instinct and mimicry,
but without training his intelligence is locked in a tiny room,
without concepts, without ideas, without ways of sharing
thoughts and feelings. Language is the key to unlocking that
room. Think of it, Mr. Tucker. Think of being able to say
everything you ever wanted to tell him. Think of his being able
to tell you his hopes, his fears, his dreams. If you send us a
curious lad, we will send you back a boy who can speak and
understand those who speak to him. What would you think of
Almost, Maine: John Cariana

Gayle: I told you were done. Because Because when I asked you if you ever thought we
were gonna get married remember when I asked you that? In December? It was snowing?
Yeah, well, when I asked you that, you got so quiet. And everybody said that that right
there shoulda told me everything. Marvalyn said that how quiet you got was all I needed to
know, and shes right: You dont love me. And Ive been trying to fix that, Ive tried to make
you love me by giving you every bit of love I had, and now I dont have any love for me
left, and thats thats not good for a person and thats why I want all the love I gave
you back, because I wanna bring it with me. I want it back in case I need it. Because I cant
very well go around giving you love to other guys, cause that just doesnt seem right So I
think I think that, since I know now that youre not ready to do what comes next for
people who have been together for quite a long time (i.e. get married), I think were gonna
be done, and so I think the best thing we can do now is just return the love we gave each
other, and call it (Taking in the bags the pathetic one that contains the love she gave
him and the awesome several that contain the love that he gave her.) even. Oh, Jeezum
Crow, is that really all the love I gave you, Lendall? I mean, I thought I mean, what kind of
person am I if this is all the love I gave y - No n-nno! (Fiercely) I know I gave you more
than that, Lendall, I know it! (She thinks. Collects herself. New attack.) Did you lose it? Did
you loose it, Lendall? Cause I know I gave you more than that, and I think youre pulling
something on me, and this is not a good time to be pulling something on me! (She looks at
the little bag, takes it,and is about to leave. But curiosity stops her. She sits on the chair,
opens the bag and examines whats inside.) Lendall? What is this? What the heck is this,
Lendall? This is not - Oh, Lendall, this is a ring. Is this a ring? A ring that you give to
someone youve been with for quite a long time if you want to let them know what comes
next for people who have been together for quite a long time? Oh! (Beat.) But all the love I
gave to you? Where is it?
Broadway Bound: Neil Simon

Kate: What do I want to do? Is that how it works? You have an
affair, and I get the choice of forgetting about it or living alone
for the rest of my life?...Its so simple for you, isnt it? I am so
angry. I am so hurt by your selfishness. You break what was
good between us and leave me to pick up the pieces...and still
you continue to lie to me. I knew about that woman a year ago. I
got a phone call from a friend. I wont even tell you
who..."Whats going on with you and Jack?" she asks me. "Are
you two still together? Whos this woman hes having lunch with
every day?" She asks me...I said, "Did you see them
together?" ,,She said, "No, but I heard."...I said, "dont believe
what you hear. Believe what you see!" and I hung up on
her...Did I do good, Jack? Did I defend my husband like a good
wife?...A year I lived wit that, hoping to God it wasnt true, and if
it was, praying it would go away...and God was good to me. NO
more phone calls, no more stories about Jack and his lunch
partner...no more wondering why you were coming home late
Cat on a Hot Tin Roof: Tennessee

Williams
Maggie: Yes, it's too bad because you cant wring their necks if they've got no
necks to wring! Isn't that right honey? Yep, they're no-neck monsters, all no-neck
people are monsters? (children shriek downstairs) Hear them? Hear them
screaming? I don't know where their voice boxes are located since they don't
have necks. I tell you I got so nervous at that table tonight, I thought I would
throw back my head and utter a scream you could hear across the Arkansas
border an' parts of Louisiana an' Tennessee. I said to our charming sister-in-law,
Mae, "honey, couldn't you feed those precious little things at a separate table
with an oilcloth cover? They make such a mess an' the lace cloth looks so
pretty!" She made enormous eyes at me and said, "Ohhh, nooooo! On Big
Daddy's birthday? Why, he would never forgive me!" Well, I want you to know,
Big Daddy hadn't been at the table two minutes with those five no-neck
monsters slobbering and drooling over their food before he threw down his fork
an' shouted, "Fo' God's sake, Gooper, why don't you put them pigs at a trough in
th' kitchen?"- Well, I swear, I simply could have di-ieed! Think of it, Brick, they've
got five of them and number six is coming. They've brought the whole bunch
down here like animals to display at a county fair. Why, they have those children
doin' tricks all the time! "Junior, show Big Daddy how you do this, show Big
Daddy how you do that, say your little piece fo' Big Daddy, Sister. Show you
dimples, Sugar. Brother, show Big Daddy how you stand on your head!"- it goes
on all the time, along with constant little remarks and innuendos about the fact
that you and I have not produced any children, are totally childless and therefore
Quilters: Barbara Damashek

Katherine: No. I never married. Once, I almost did, but it didn't work
out. I was twenty-seven years old. I was quite a go-getter in those days.
Very headstrong. I'd been away to teachers college and was very
definite about my career. Well, I was sick when I was younger and I
couldn't have children. It didn't bother me though, I was so busy with
my teaching and church work and all. So, anyway this doctor came to
town. He was from California. My, he was so handsome. He had a gap
toothed grin that would stop your heart. Well, we just fell in love, you
know. I'd never thought about marrying anybody before...never met
anybody I'd consider spending my life with. But him. well, I thought he
was pretty special. I told him right off about not being able to have
children. I wanted that out in the open right off. I told him I was happy
with my work and it didn't make a bit of difference to me. Maybe later
on, you know, if I changed my mind, I might want to adopt some kids.
But all in all it suited me just fine. He looked me right in the eye and
said it suited him just fine too. He said he'd never been so sure about
kids himself, and even so, it was me he wanted and that was enough.
We had a few months of happiness after that. Oh, he could be so much
fun! Then one day he told me he'd made a mistake. He really did want
Oleanna: David Mamet

Carol: What gives you theright.Yes.To speak to awomanin your
private Yes.Yes.Im sorry.Im sorry.You feel yourself empowered

you say so yourself.Tostrut.Toposture.To perform.To Call me
in hereEh?You say that higher education is a joke.And treat it as
such, youtreatit as such.Andconfessto a taste to play
thePatriarchin your class.To grantthis.To denythat.To embrace
your students. How can youdenyit.You did it to me.Here.Youdid
Youconfess.You love the Power.Todeviate.Toinvent, to transgress
totransgresswhatever norms have been established for us.And
you think its charming to question in yourself this taste to mock and
destroy.But you should question it.Professor.And you pick those
things which you feeladvanceyou: publication,tenure, and the steps
to get them you call harmless rituals.And you perform those
steps.Although you say it is hypocrisy.But to the aspirations of your
students.Ofhardworkingstudents, who come here, whoslaveto come
here you have no idea what it cost me to come to this school
youmockus.You call education hazing, and from your so-protected,
so-elitist seat you hold our confusion as ajoke, and our hopes and
efforts with it.Then you sit there and say what have I done?And ask
Tartuffe: Moliere
Dorrine: No, I ask nothing of you.

Clearly you want
To be Madame Tartuffe, and I feel bound
Not to oppose a wish so very sound.
What right have I to criticize the match?
Indeed, my dear, the mans a brilliant
catch.
Monsieur Tartuffe, Now, theres a man of
weight!
Calling upon the bailiffs wife, no less
Yes, yes, Monsieur Tartuffe, Im bound to Even, perhaps, upon the mayoress,
state,
Wholl sit you down in the best kitchen
Is quite a person; thats not to be denied;chair.
Twill be no little thing to be his bride.
Then, once a year, youll dance at the
The world already rings with his renown;village fair
Hes a great noble in his native town; To the drone of bagpipes two of them,
His ears are red, he has a pink
in fact
complexion,
And see a puppet show, or an animal
And all in all, hell suit you to perfection. act.
Oh, how triumphant you will feel
At having caught a husband so ideal !
A dutiful daughter must obey
Her father, even if he weds her to an
ape.
Alls Well that Ends Well:

Shakespeare
Helena:
Good madam, I confess
Here on my knee before high heaven and

you,
That before you, and next unto high
heaven,
I love your son.
My friends were poor but honest; sosWish
my chastely and love dearly, that your
Dian
love.
Be not offended, for it hurts not him Was both herself and Love, O, then give
pity
That he is loved of me. I follow him not
By any token of presumptuous suit, To her whose state is such that cannot
Nor would I have him till I do deserve choose
But lend and give where she is sure to
him;
lose;
Yet never know how that desert should
That seeks not to find that her search
be.
implies,
I know I love in vain, strive against hope;
Yet in this captious and intenible sieveBut riddle-like, lives sweetly where she
I still pour in the waters of my love dies.
And lack not to lose still. Thus, Indianlike,
Religious in mine error, I adore
The sun that looks upon his worshipper
But knows of him no more. My dearest
Loves Labours Lost:

Shakespeare
Princess: A time methinks too short
To make a world-without-end bargain in.
No, no, my lord, your Grace is perjurd
much,
And by this virgin palm now kissing thine,
Full of dear guiltiness, and therefore this:
I will be thine; and till that instant shut
If for my love (as there is no such cause)
You will do aught, this shall you do for My woeful self up in a mourning house,
Raining the tears of lamentation
me:
Your oath I will not trust, but go with For the remembrance of my fathers
death.
speed
To some forlorn and naked hermitage, If this thou do deny, let our hands part,
Remote from all the pleasures of the Neither intitled in the others heart.
world;
There stay until the twelve celestial signs
Have brought about the annual
reckoning.
If this austere insociable life
Change not your offer made in heat of
blood;
If frosts and fasts, hard lodging and thin
weeds
Nip not the gaudy blossoms of your love
But that it bear this trial, and last love;
Midsummers Night Dream:

Shakespeare
Helena: O, I am out of breath in this
fond chase!
The more my prayer, the lesser is my
grace.
Happy is Hermia, wheresoeer she lies,
For she hath blessed and attractive eyes.
How came her eyes so bright? Not with
salt tears;
If so, my eyes are oftner washd than
hers.
No, no; I am as ugly as a bear;
For beasts that meet me run away for
fear.
Therefore no marvel though Demetrius
Do, as a monster, fly my presence thus.
What wicked and dissembling glass of
mine
Made me compare with Hermias sphery
eyne!
But who is here? Lysander! on the
ground?

Shakespeare
Helena: Lo! she is one of this
confederacy.
Now I perceive, they have conjoind all
three
To fashion this false sport, in spite of me.
Injurious Hermia, most ungrateful maid!
Have you conspird, have you with these
contrivd
To bait me with this foul derision?
Is all the counsel that we two have
shard,
The sisters vows, the hours that we have
spent,
When we have chid the hasty-footed
time
For parting usO, is all forgot?
All school-days friendship, childhood
innocence?
We, Hermia, like two artificial gods,
Have with our needles created both one
flower,
So with two seeming bodies, but one

heart,
Two of the first, like coats in heraldry,
Due but to one, and crowned with one
crest.
And will you rent our ancient love asunder,
To join with men in scorning your poor
friend?
It is not friendly, tis not maidenly.
Our sex, as well as I, may chide you for it,
Though I alone do feel the injury.

Shakespeare
Helena: How happy some oer other
some can be!
Through Athens I am thought as fair as
she.
But what of that? Demetrius thinks not
so;
He will not know what all but he do know;
And as he errs, doting on Hermias eyes,
So I, admiring of his qualities.
Things base and vile, holding no
quantity,
Love can transpose to form and dignity.
Love looks not with the eyes but with the
mind;
And therefore is wingd Cupid painted
blind.
Nor hath Loves mind of any judgment
taste;
Wings, and no eyes, figure unheedy
haste;
And therefore is Love said to be a child,
I will go tell him of fair Hermias flight;

Then to the wood will he tomorrow night
Pursue her; and for this intelligence
If I have thanks, it is a dear expense.
But herein mean I to enrich my pain,
To have his sight thither and back again.
Taming of the Shrew:

Shakespeare
Katherina:Fie,
fie, unknit that
What is she but a foul contending
threatning unkind brow,
And dart not scornful glances from
those eyes,
To wound thy lord, thy king, thy
governor.
It blots thy beauty, as frosts do bite the
meads,
Confounds thy fame, as whirlwinds
shake fair buds,
And in no sense is meet or amiable.
A woman movd is like a fountain
troubled,
Muddy, ill-seeming, thick, bereft of
beauty,
And while it is so, none so dry or thirsty
Will deign to sip, or touch one drop of
it.
Thy husband is thy lord, thy life, thy
keeper,
Thy head, thy sovereign; one that
cares for thee,
And for thy maintenance; commits his
body
To painful labor, both by sea and land;
rebel,
And graceless traitor to her loving
lord?
I am ashamd that women are so
simple
To offer war where they should kneel
for peace,
Or seek for rule, supremacy, and sway,
When they are bound to serve, love,
and obey.
Why are our bodies soft, and weak,
and smooth,
Unapt to toil and trouble in the world,
But that our soft conditions, and our
hearts,
Should well agree with our external
parts?
Come, come, you froward and unable
worms!
My mind hath been as big as one of
yours,
My heart as great, my reason haply
more,
To bandy word for word and frown for
Twelfth Night: Shakespeare

Viola: I left no ring with her. What means
this lady?
Fortune forbid my outside have not
charmd her!
She made good view of me; indeed so
much
That methought her eyes had lost her
tongue,
For she did speak in starts distractedly.
She loves me sure, the cunning of her
passion
Invites me in this churlish messenger.
None of my lords ring? Why, he sent her
none.
I am the man! If it be so, as tis,
Poor lady, she were better love a dream.
Disguise, I see thou art a wickedness
Wherein the pregnant enemy does much.
How easy is it for the proper-false
In womens waxen hearts to set their
forms!
My state is desperate for my masters

love;
As I am woman (now alas the day!),
What thriftless sighs shall poor Olivia
breathe!
O time, thou must untangle this, not I,
It is too hard a knot for me t untie.
Winters Tale: Shakespeare

Paulina: What studied torments,
tyrant, hast for me?
What wheels? racks? fires? What
flaying? boiling
In leads or oils? What old or newer
torture
Must I receive, whose every word
deserves
To taste of thy most worst? Thy
tyranny,
Together working with thy jealousies
(Fancies too weak for boys, too green
and idle
For girls of nine), O, think what they
have done,
And then run mad indeedstark mad!
for all
Thy by-gone fooleries were but spices
of it.
That thou betrayedst Polixenes, twas
nothing
That did but show thee, of a fool,
inconstant,
And damnable ingrateful; nor wast
Of the young Prince, whose honorable

thoughts
(Thoughts high for one so tender) cleft
the heart
That could conceive a gross and foolish
sire
Blemishd his gracious dam; this is not,
no,
Laid to thy answer: but the lastO
lords,
When I have said, cry Woe!the
Queen, the Queen,
The sweetst, dearst creatures dead,
and vengeance fort
Not droppd down yet.
I say shes dead; Ill sweart. If word
nor oath
Prevail not, go and see. If you can
bring
Tincture or lustre in her lip, her eye,
Heat outwardly or breath within, Ill
serve you
As I would do the gods. But, O thou
Summer and Smoke: Tennessee

Williams
John: I have respect for the truth, and I have
respect for you So Id better speak honestly if
you want me to speak. Youve won the argument
that we had between us. Were not just a package
of tea leaves. Every interior inch of us is taken up
with something ugly and
As You Like It: Shakespeare

Rosalind: And why, I pray you? Who might be your mother,
That you insult, exult, and all at once,
Over the wretched? What though you have no beauty
As, by my faith, I see no more in you
Than without candle may go dark to bed
Must you be therefore proud and pitiless?
Why, what means this? why do you look on me?
I see no more in you than in the ordinary
Of natures sale-work. Ods my little life,
I think she means to tangle my eyes too!
No, faith, proud mistress, hope not after it.
Tis not your inky brows, your black silk hair,
Your bugle eyeballs, nor your cheek of cream
That can entame my spirits to your worship.
You foolish shepherd, wherefore do you follow her,
Like foggy south, puffing with wind and rain?
You are a thousand times a properer man
Than she a woman. Tis such fools as you
That makes the world full of ill-favord children.
Tis not her glass, but you that flatters her,
And out of you she sees herself more proper
Than any of her lineaments can show her.
But, mistress, know yourself, down on your knees,
And thank heaven, fasting, for a good mans love;
For I must tell you friendly in your ear,
Sell when you can, you are not for all markets.
Cry the man mercy, love him, take his offer;
Foul is most foul, being foul to be a scoffer.
So take her to thee, shepherd. Fare you well.
Hamlet: Shakespeare
Ophelia: O my lord, my lord, I have been so affrighted!
My lord, as I was sewing in my closet,
Lord Hamlet, with his doublet all unbracd,
No hat upon his head, his stockins fouled,
Ungartred, and down-gyved to his ankle,
Pale as his shirt, his knees knocking each
other,
And with a look so piteous in purport
As if he had been loosed out of hell
To speak of horrorshe comes before me.
He took me by the wrist, and held me hard,
Then goes he to the length of all his arm,
And with his other hand thus oer his brow,
He falls to such perusal of my face
As a would draw it. Long stayd he so.
At last, a little shaking of mine arm,
And thrice his head thus waving up and down,
He raisd a sigh so piteous and profound
As it did seem to shatter all his bulk
And end his being. That done, he lets me o,
And with his head over his shoulder turnd,
He seemd to find his way without his eyes,
For out a doors he went without their helps,
And to the last bended their light on me.
Henry IV: Shakespeare

Lady Percy: O my good lord, why are you thus alone?
For what offense have I this fortnight been
A banishd woman from my Harrys bed?
Tell me, sweet lord, what ist that takes from thee
Thy stomach, pleasure, and thy golden sleep?
Why dost thou bend thine eyes upon the earth,
And start so often when thou sitst alone?
Why hast thou lost the fresh blood in thy cheeks,
And given my treasures and my rights of thee
To thick-eyd musing and curst melancholy?
In thy faint slumbers I by thee have watchd,
And heard thee murmur tales of iron wars,
Speak terms of manage to thy bounding steed,
Cry Courage! to the field! And thou hast talkd
Of sallies and retires, of trenches, tents,
Of palisadoes, frontiers, parapets,
Of basilisks, of cannon, culverin,
Of prisoners ransom, and of soldiers slain,
And all the currents of a heady fight;
Henry VIII: Shakespeare

Queen Katherine: O my good lord, why are you thus alone? For what offense have I
this fortnight been
A banishd woman from my Harrys bed?
Tell me, sweet lord, what ist that takes from thee
Thy stomach, pleasure, and thy golden sleep?
Why dost thou bend thine eyes upon the earth,
And start so often when thou sitst alone?
Why hast thou lost the fresh blood in thy cheeks,
And given my treasures and my rights of thee
To thick-eyd musing and curst melancholy?
In thy faint slumbers I by thee have watchd,
And heard thee murmur tales of iron wars,
Speak terms of manage to thy bounding steed,
Cry Courage! to the field! And thou hast talkd
Of sallies and retires, of trenches, tents,
Of palisadoes, frontiers, parapets,
Of basilisks, of cannon, culverin,
Of prisoners ransom, and of soldiers slain,
And all the currents of a heady fight;
Thy spirit within thee hath been so at war,
And thus hath so bestirrd thee in thy sleep,
Measure for Measure:

Shakespeare
Isabella: To whom should I complain? Did I tell this,
Who would believe me? O perilous mouths,
That bear in them one and the self-same tongue,
Either of condemnation or approof,
Bidding the law make curtsy to their will,
Hooking both right and wrong to th appetite,
To follow as it draws! Ill to my brother.
Though he hath falln by prompture of the blood,
Yet hath he in him such a mind of honor
That had he twenty heads to tender down
On twenty bloody blocks, held yield them up,
Before his sister should her body stoop
To such abhorrd pollution.
Then, Isabel, live chaste, and, brother, die;
More than our brother is our chastity.
Ill tell him yet of Angelos request,
And fit his mind to death, for his souls rest.
Much Ado About Nothing:

Shakespeare
Hero: O god of love! I know he doth deserve
As much as may be yielded to a man;
But nature never framd a womans heart
Of prouder stuff than that of Beatrice.
Disdain and scorn ride sparkling in her eyes,
Misprising what they look on, and her wit
Values itself so highly that to her
All matter else seems weak. She cannot love,
Nor take no shape nor project of affection,
She is so self-endeared.
I never yet saw man,
How wise, how noble, young, how rarely featurd,
But she would spell him backward. If fair-facd,
She would swear the gentleman should be her sister;
If black, why, Nature, drawing of an antic,
Made a foul blot; if tall, a lance ill-headed;
If low, an agot very vildly cut;
If speaking, why, a vane blown with all winds;
If silent, why, a block moved with none.
So turns she every man the wrong side out,
And never gives to truth and virtue that
Richard III: Shakespeare

Queen Margaret: I calld thee then vain flourish of my fortune;
I calld thee then poor shadow, painted queen,
The presentation of but what I was;
The flattering index of a direful pageant;
One heavd a-high, to be hurld down below;
A mother only mockd with two fair babes;
A dream of what thou wast, a garish flag
To be the aim of every dangerous shot;
A sign of dignity, a breath, a bubble;
A queen in jest, only to fill the scene.
Where is thy husband now? Where be thy brothers?
Where be thy two sons? Wherein dost thou joy?
Who sues, and kneels, and says, God save the Queen?
Where be the bending peers that flattered thee?
Where be the thronging troops that followed thee?
Decline all this, and see what now thou art:
For happy wife, a most distressed widow;
For joyful mother, one that wails the name;
For one being sued to, one that humbly sues;
For queen, a very caitiff crownd with care;
For she that scornd at me, now scornd of me;
Romeo and Juliet:

Shakespeare (1)
Juliet: Thou knowest the mask of night is on my face,
Else would a maiden blush bepaint my cheek
For that which thou hast heard me speak tonight.
Fain would I dwell on form, fain, fain deny
What I have spoke, but farewell compliment!
Dost thou love me? I know thou wilt say, Ay,
And I will take thy word; yet, if thou swearst,
Thou mayest prove false: at lovers perjuries
They say Jove laughs. O gentle Romeo,
If thou dost love, pronounce it faithfully;
Or if thou thinkest I am too quickly won,
Ill frown and be perverse, and say thee nay,
So thou wilt woo, but else not for the world.
In truth, fair Montague, I am too fond,
And therefore thou mayest think my behavior light,
But trust me, gentleman, Ill prove more true
Than those that have more coying to be strange.
I should have been more strange, I must confess,
But that thou overheardst, ere I was ware,
My true-love passion; therefore pardon me,
And not impute this yielding to light love,
Romeo and Juliet:

Shakespeare (2)
Juliet: Gallop apace, you fiery-footed steeds,
Towards Phoebus lodging; such a waggoner
As Phaton would whip you to the west,
And bring in cloudy night immediately.
Spread thy close curtain, love-performing night,
That th runaways eyes may wink, and Romeo
Leap to these arms untalkd of and unseen!
Lovers can see to do their amorous rites
By their own beauties, or, if love be blind,
It best agrees with night. Come, civil night,
Thou sober-suited matron all in black,
And learn me how to lose a winning match,
Playd for a pair of stainless maidenhoods.
Hood my unmannd blood, bating in my cheeks,
With thy black mantle, till strange love grow bold,
Think true love acted simple modesty.
Come, night, come, Romeo, come, thou day in night,
For thou wilt lie upon the wings of night,
Whiter than new snow upon a ravens back.
Come, gentle night, come, loving, black-browd night,
Give me my Romeo, and, when I shall die,
Romeo and Juliet:

Shakespeare (3)
Juliet: Farewell! God knows when we shall meet again.

I have a faint cold fear thrills through my veins,
That almost freezes up the heat of life.
Ill call them back again to comfort me.
Nurse!What should she do here?
My dismal scene I needs must act alone.
Come, vial.
What if this mixture do not work at all?
Shall I be married then tomorrow morning?
No, no, this shall forbid it. Lie thou there.
Laying down her dagger.
What if it be a poison which the friar
Subtilly hath ministred to have me dead,
Lest in this marriage he should be dishonord
Because he married me before to Romeo?
I fear it is, and yet methinks it should not,
For he hath still been tried a holy man.
How if, when I am laid into the tomb,
I wake before the time that Romeo
Come to redeem me? theres a fearful point!
Shall I not then be stifled in the vault,
To whose foul mouth no healthsome air breathes in,
And there die strangled ere my Romeo comes?
Or if I live, is it not very like
The horrible conceit of death and night,
Together with the terror of the place
Two Gentlemen of Verona:

Shakespeare
Julia: A virtuous gentlewoman, mild and beautiful!

I hope my masters suit will be but cold,
Since she respects my mistress love so much.
Alas, how love can trifle with itself!
Here is her picture: let me
see; I think
If I had such a tire, this face of mine
Were full as lovely as is this of hers;
And yet the painter flatterd her a little,
Unless I flatter with myself too much.
Her hair is auburn, mine is perfect yellow:
If that be all the difference in his love,
Ill get me such a colord periwig.
Her eyes are grey as glass, and so are mine;
Ay, but her foreheads low, and mines as high.
What should it be that he respects in her,
But I can make respective in myself,
If this fond Love were not a blinded god?
Come, shadow, come, and take this shadow up,
Two Gentlemen of Verona:

Shakespeare
Julia: A virtuous gentlewoman, mild and beautiful!

I hope my masters suit will be but cold,
Since she respects my mistress love so much.
Alas, how love can trifle with itself!
Here is her picture: let me
see; I think
If I had such a tire, this face of mine
Were full as lovely as is this of hers;
And yet the painter flatterd her a little,
Unless I flatter with myself too much.
Her hair is auburn, mine is perfect yellow:
If that be all the difference in his love,
Ill get me such a colord periwig.
Her eyes are grey as glass, and so are mine;
Ay, but her foreheads low, and mines as high.
What should it be that he respects in her,
But I can make respective in myself,
If this fond Love were not a blinded god?
Come, shadow, come, and take this shadow up,
Two Noble Kinsmen:

Shakespeare (1)
Jailers Daughter: Why should I love this gentleman? Tis odds

He never will affect me. I am base,
My father the mean keeper of his prison,
And he a prince. To marry him is hopeless;
To be his whore is witless. Out upont!
What pushes are we wenches driven to
When fifteen once has found us! First, I saw him:
I seeing, thought he was a goodly man;
He has as much to please a woman in him
(If he please to bestow it so) as ever
These eyes yet lookd on. Next, I pitied him;
And so would any young wench o my conscience
That ever dreamd, or vowd her maidenhead
To a young handsome man. Then, I lovd him,
Extremely lovd him, infinitely lovd him;
And yet he had a cousin, fair as he too;
But in my heart was Palamon, and there,
Lord, what a coil he keeps! To hear him
Sing in an evening, what a heaven it is!
And yet his songs are sad ones. Fairer spoken
Was never gentleman. When I come in
To bring him water in a morning, first
Two Noble Kinsmen:

Shakespeare (2)
Jailers Daughter: Let all the dukes and all the devils roar,
He is at liberty! I have venturd for him,
And out I have brought him to a little wood
A mile hence. I have sent him where a cedar,
Higher than all the rest, spreads like a plane
Fast by a brook, and there he shall keep close
Till I provide him files and food, for yet
His iron bracelets are not off. O Love,
What a stout-hearted child thou art! My father
Durst better have endurd cold iron than done it.
I love him beyond love and beyond reason,
Or wit, or safety. I have made him know it.
I care not, I am desperate. If the law
Find me, and then condemn me fort, some wenches,
Some honest-hearted maids, will sing my dirge,
And tell to memory my death was noble,
Dying almost a martyr. That way he takes
I purpose is my way too. Sure he cannot
Be so unmanly as to leave me here.
If he do, maids will not so easily
Trust men again. And yet he has not thankd me
For what I have done; no, not so much as kissd me;
Two Noble Kinsmen:

Shakespeare (3)
Jailers Daughter: He has mistook the brake I meant, is gone

After his fancy. Tis now well-nigh morning;
No matter, would it were perpetual night,
And darkness lord o th world! Hark, tis a wolf!
In me hath grief slain fear, and but for one thing,
I care for nothing, and thats Palamon.
I reak not if the wolves would jaw me, so
He had this file. What if I hallowd for him?
I cannot hallow. If I whoopd, what then?
If he not answerd, I should call a wolf,
And do him but that service. I have heard
Strange howls this livelong night; why mayt not be
They have made prey of him? He has no weapons,
He cannot run, the jingling of his gyves
Might call fell things to listen, who have in them
A sense to know a man unarmd, and can
Smell where resistance is. Ill set it down
Hes torn to pieces. They howld many together,
And then they fed on him. So much for that,
Be bold to ring the bell. How stand I then?
Alls chard when he is gone. No, no, I lie:
My fathers to be hangd for his escape,
Two Noble Kinsmen:

Shakespeare (4)
Jailers Daughter:I am very cold, and all the stars are out too,
The little stars and all, that look like aglets.
The sun has seen my folly. Palamon!
Alas, no; hes in heaven. Where am I now?
Yonders the sea, and theres a ship. Howt tumbles!
And theres a rock lies watching under water;
Now, now, it beats upon itnow, now, now!
Theres a leak sprung, a sound one. How they cry!
Open her before the wind! Youll lose all else.
Up with a course or two, and tack about, boys!
Good night, good night, y are gone. I am very hungry:
Would I could find a fine frog! he would tell me
News from all parts o th world. Then would I make
A carreck of a cockleshell, and sail
By east and north-east to the King of Pigmies,
For he tells fortunes rarely. Now my father,
Twenty to one, is trussd up in a trice
Tomorrow morning; Ill say never a word.
Sing.
For Ill cut my green coat a foot above my knee,
And Ill clip my yellow locks an inch below mine ee.
Hey, nonny, nonny, nonny.
Winters Tale: Shakespeare

Paulina: What studied torments, tyrant, hast for me?
What wheels? racks? fires? What flaying? boiling
In leads or oils? What old or newer torture
Must I receive, whose every word deserves
To taste of thy most worst? Thy tyranny,
Together working with thy jealousies
(Fancies too weak for boys, too green and idle
For girls of nine), O, think what they have done,
And then run mad indeedstark mad! for all
Thy by-gone fooleries were but spices of it.
That thou betrayedst Polixenes, twas nothing
That did but show thee, of a fool, inconstant,
And damnable ingrateful; nor wast much
Thou wouldst have poisond good Camillos honor,
To have him kill a kingpoor trespasses,
More monstrous standing by; whereof I reckon
The casting forth to crows thy baby-daughter
To be or none or littlethough a devil
Would have shed water out of fire ere donet;
Nor ist directly laid to thee, the death
Of the young Prince, whose honorable thoughts
(Thoughts high for one so tender) cleft the heart
California Suite: Neil

Simon
Stu: You call this a vacation? I had a better vacation when I had
my hernia operation Im sick of your face. Im sick of your
twelve-cent cigars. After three weeks, my clothes smell like theyve
been in a humidor. Im sick of your breakfasts. Im sick of your
lightly buttered rye toast and eggs over lightly every single
morning. Would it kill you to have a waffle once in a while? One
stinkin little waffle for my sake? We did everything you wanted.
You made all the decisions. You took all the pictures. I didnt get
to take one picture with my own camera. You picked all the
restaurantsnine Japanese restaurants in three weeks. I am
nauseated at the sight of watching you eat tempura with your
shoes off. A year I planned for this vacation. You know what I got
to show for it? Two purple Hawaiian shirts for my kids that you
picked out. Even Hawaiians wouldnt wear them. Ive had enough!
I want to go home! Im a nervous wreck I need a vacation.
Beyond Therapy:
Christopher Durang
Stuart: Hello. What's on your mind this week? Dammit, I don't feel like dragging
the words out of you this week. You pay me to listen so talk, damn it.(pause)I'm
sorry, I'm on edge today. All my patients are this way. None of them talk. Well
this one guy talks, but he talks in Yiddish a lot, and I don't know what the hell
he's saying. How was your week? Another series of lonely, loveless evenings. I'm
still here, babe. Just kidding. Now, we're reaching the richest part of our therapy
and already I see results. But I think you're entering a very uncharted part of
your life just now, and so you must stay with your therapy. You're going out with
homosexuals, God knows what you're going to do next. Now I'm very serious. I'm
holding out the life line. Don't turn away. You're a very sick woman, and you
mustn't be without a therapist even for a day. What do you mean your
discontinuing your therapy? You're obviously afraid of a real man. You go ahead
and leave me, and you know what's going to happen to you without therapy?
You're going to become a very pathetic, very lonely old maid. You know what's
going to happen to you? You're going to break off with that clown in a few days,
and then you're not going to go out with men anymore at all. Your emotional life
is going to be tied up with your cats. You're gonna end up taking little boat
cruises to Bermuda with your cats and with spinster librarians when you're fifty
unless you decide to kill yourself before then! And all because you were too
cowardly and self-destructive and stupid to keep yourself from being an old maid
by sticking with your therapy. You're a terrible, terrible patient.
Brighton Beach Memoirs:

Neil Simon
Eugene: "That*s-what-they-have-gutters-for". . . (to audience) If my
mother knew I was writing all this down, she would stuff me like one of
her chickens. . . Id better explain what she meant by Aunt Blanches
"situation" . . .You see, her husband, Uncle Dave, died six years ago
from . . . (He looks around.).., this thing. . . They never say the word.
They always whisper it. It was (He whispers. ) Cancer! . . . I think
theyre afraid if they said it out loud, God would say, "I HEARD THAT!
YOU SAID THE DREAD DISEASE! (He points finger down.) JUST FOR
THAT, I SMITE YOU DOWN WITH IT! !" ... There are some things that
grown-ups just wont discuss ... For example, my grandfather. He died
from (He whispers.) Diptheria! . . . Anyway, after Uncle Dave died,
he left Aunt Blanche with no money. Not even insurance. . . And she
couldnt support herself because she has(He whispers.) Asthma. So
my big-hearted mother insisted we take her and her kids in to live with
us. So they broke up our room into two small rooms and me and my
brother Stan live on this side, and Laurie and her sister Nora live on the
other side. My father thought it would just be temporary but its been
three and a half years so far and I think because of Aunt Blanches
situation, my father is developing (He whispers. ) High blood
pressure! My cousin Laurie has a "flutter in her heart." Because of her
"condition," I have to do twice as much work around here... Boy, if I
Dead Special Crabs by Dan

Kitrosser
Loomer: I don't have any good pick-up lines, June. I literally became a homosexual like a
week ago. So we're sitting in the living room Me, him, his grandmother and Aunt Missy.
Well I don't know how to make a move, so I suggested we play Scrabble. You know, I
figured we can tire the old folks out. But the Metamucil finally hits his Grandmother, so
now she's in the bathroom and Aunt Missy is all upset, because the Grandmother didn't
pay for the Metamucil and so she's banging on the door saying "You owe me this bowel
movement! That's my bowel movement!" You know how Aunt Missy is. So I'm
apologizing to him saying "I'm sorry about Aunt Missy" and then he just...He kissed me.
He kissed me June. He just laid one on me and kissed me and it was the greatest
feeling I ever had. After everything flushed through his Grandmother, Aunt Missy kind of
threw them out. She's a strong lady. And I don't know if it was me being so
inexperienced, or his Grandmother's constipation then subsequent diarrhea, but he
never called me. And then it was too late for me to call him, or maybe it wasn't, but I
didn't. I don't know. But I think about him - I think about him all the time. All this week,
he's been giving poetry readings at random places in Bangor, Maine, like Maude's Bait
n' Tackle or the Burger Banquet. I'm so shy, I usually just go and pretend I'm buying
something - do you need any shoe laces? But get this - (he pulls out a piece of paper.)
"Along the Sea: A Poetry Tour Along the Coast with Virgil McGillicutty." Bangor, Maine.
Myrtle, Massachusetts. Hoboken, New Jersey. Baltimore, Maryland. Shreveport,
Louisiana. Napalm Beach, Florida. June, we're going to Virgil's Poetry readings. Oh I
might not have the courage at first, but I know, eventually, if I keep going to these
things, that I'll have enough gumption to walk up to him and say, "Hi, we kissed once
while your Grandmother was in my Aunt Missy's bathroom, will you be my date to my
sister's wedding?"
Jakes Women: Neil Simon

Jake: What you have just witnessed is a man at the end of his rope
with nothing to hold on to because his wife took the rope with her. Its
been six months since Maggie left and I havent been dating, now, the
truth, I miss Maggie but recently here in the privacy of my home, my
mind and my thoughts, I was visited by a new and fresher hell than my
warped imaginations could ever dream of No longer did I summon up
Karens and Ediths and Mollys of my life to help brighten up the endless
sleepless nights Now they came on their own. Uninvited.
Unsummoned. Unstoppable. The thing about going crazy is that it
makes you incredibly smart, in a stupid sort of way. But I do feel like Im
losing a grip on myself. As if Im spiraling down in diminishing circles
like water being drained from a bathtub, and suddenly my big toes is
being sucked down into the hole and Im screaming for my life No.
Not my life. My mother Why, tell me why, its always your mother. Its
never you father or an uncle or a second cousin from Detroit
Anyways, I have a feeling Im trying to put together a jigsaw puzzle
that has no picture on it Im a blank, waiting to fill in who I am How
did I get to be this way?... Thats not a rhetorical question. I mean, if
you know, please tell me
Lone Star: James McLure

Roy: Did I ever tell you about the time Wayne and me went to Bossier City,
Louisiana? Bossier City! Bossier City! Kinda got a sound to it, don't it? Bossier
City! Babylon on the Red River! Sin. Hot women. Sticky summer nights. The
biggest strip of night clubs 'tween Vegas and Miami Beach! Bossier City! Bandits!
Prostitutes! Drunken driving! All the things that make life worth living. One
summer morning in 1967 Wayne said to me, "Roy, we can either get drunk here
in Maynard or we can get drunk in Bossier City!" So we drove to Louisiana! And I
mean, Ray, as soon as we got there, wham! Just like that things started to
happen! We got kicked out of The Ace's Lounge for fighting. We started them.
Then! At the Swamp Club, Wayne tried to pick up these two Italian girls. Well,
their boyfriends didn't like that one little bit. And let me tell you something, Ray.
If you're ever in that part of the world, don't ever get involved with no Louisiana
Eye-talians. There ain't nothin' worse than the Southern Mafia! The Italians
pullout their knives, and me and Wayne run back to the truck to get my shotgun.
But then the Eye-talian guys pull out their guns and start shootin' at us! But we
made it back to the truck, and while Wayne backs the truck out of the parking lot
I fired out the window at the Eye-talians. Wayne backed up into one car, hits a
fence, and then as he's leaving the parking lot he side-swipes an oncoming
Lincoln Continental. We had ourselves a time. Anyway, me and Wayne ended up
in Kim's Lounge. And Wayne begins to sweet talk this girl down at the end of the
bar. And pretty soon he's taking this girl out to the pickup truck. He told me it
wouldn't take long. So I ordered another drink. Then, in about five minutes old
Wayne comes back in as white as a sheet and says: "Roy, let's get the hell out of
Bossier City." So we did. But after only six hours on the Bossier Strip we had
This is How it Is: Bryan

Patrick Moses
David: You want to make an ass out of yourself? You dont know if she is even
interested in you. What are you going to do? Nothing. Shes not your type.
Man, trust me on this. All right. Shes not your type. Look at how shes
dressed. You see that? Shes not your type. A girl like that? Come on. How
long have you known me?(pause)Right. About four years, right? Now, in these
past four years, how many girls have you dated thatve dressed like that?
Huh?(pause)Thats right. None. Now, the girls Ive dated, right? How many
have dressed like her? There you go. You really dont get this, do you? Look at
her. She wants me. Okay? Get that?Shewants me. You see, I have the power.
The ball is totally in my court. Right now, she is sitting there wondering, Why
the hell doesnt he come over here? And whats great is, that this makes her
want me more. You see, Sam, I know women. Plain and simple. Im not one of
those poor slobs who sits around and says, I dont understand women. There
have been medical studies that say this and that about how women and men
think differently. I might buy that, because theyre talking about mathematical
skills, crap like that. But when it comes to romance, women and men think
exactly the same. The only difference is men will tell you what they think, while
women will hide it. But since Im so trained in these things, Ive been able to get
women to reveal everything, while I reveal nothing. You see, women hide their
desires, or at least try to, but men dont. Thats why women have the power in
this world. Im talking the real power, now, not that running the country crap.
But, you see, I have broken their code. Theyre defenseless. I have the power!
The Heidi Chronicles:

Wendy Wasserstein
Scoop: You really dont understand, do you? But I can explain. Lets say we
married and I asked you to devote the, say, next ten years of your life to secure
that I could with some confidence go out into the world each day and attempt to
get an A. Youd say, No. Youd say, Why cant we be partners? Why cant
we both go out into the world and get an A? And youd be absolutely valid and
correct. But Lisa? Shes the best I can do. Is she an A+ like you? No. But I
dont want to come home to an A+. A- maybe, but not A+. Im sorry,
Heidella. But I couldnt dangle you anymore. And thats why I got married today.
So. On a scale of one to ten, if you aim for six and get six, everything will work
out nicely. But if you aim for ten in all things and you get six, youre going to be
very disappointed. And unfortunately, thats why you quality time girls are
going to be one generation of disappointed women. Interesting, exemplary, even
sexy, but basically unhappy. Im sorry I disappointed you.

Royal
Beethoven: Fuck you, CB! Id rather you say we beat the shit out of you
because we cant stand you than to say youre justmessing with me! That
implies light teasing or slightly opprobrious behavior. I havent had lunch in the
cafeteria in two and a half years for fear of going home with some part of it
smeared across my shirt! I havent been in a bathroom on campus since the time
my head got slammed into the wall.I believe you were there. Oh, you didnt do
that? Yeah?! Well, you didnt stop it either!! And the faculty doesnt care. You
know what Im so sick of hearing?: They only pick on you because of their own
insecurities. The classic guidance counselor line! Oh geez, Mrs. Blank, since you
put it that way, my head doesnt hurt so much anymore! And what really kills
me is that everybody wonders why kids bring guns to school and shoot you
fuckers down. Maybe youre not the bully, but you stand idly by and watch. In my
eyes that makes you even worse. So -- Please. Just. Go.
And, by the way, how does one act gay? By playing the piano? Oh it must be all
those times I ogle the football team. Maybe Ill stop carrying around a pink purse.
Or openly sucking dick in plain view of the entire student body! What?!! What is
it?!?!? I dont want to talk to you!!! I just want to be left alone!! I dont need
social pointers. All I need from you is an apology for the five minutes that youve
stolen from my day!!

Royal (1)
CB: Dear penpal. I know its been a few years since I last wrote you. I hope
youre still there. Im not sure you ever were. I never got any letters back from
you when I was a kid. But in a way it was always very therapeutic. Everyone else
judges everything I say. And here you are: some anonymous person who never
says boo. Maybe you just read my letters and laughed or maybe you didnt
read my letters or maybe you dont even exist. It was pretty frustrating when I
was young, but now Im glad that you wont respond. Just listen. Thats what I
want. (Beat.) My dog died. I dont know if you remember, but I had a beagle. He
was a good dog. My best friend. Id had him as far back as I could remember, but
one day last month, I went out to feed him and he didnt come bounding out of
his red doghouse like usual. I called his name. But no response. I knelt down and
called out his name. Still nothing. I looked in the doghouse and there was blood
everywhere. Cowering in the corner was my dog. His eyes were wild and there
was an excessive amount of saliva coming out of his mouth. He was
unrecognizable. He looked both frightened and frightening at the same time. The
blood belonged to a little yellow bird that had always been around. My dog and
the bird used to play together. In a strange way, it was almost like they were best
friends. I know that sounds stupid, but... Anyway, the bird had been mangled.
Ripped apart. By my dog. When he saw that I could see what hed done, his face
changed to sadness and he let out a sound that felt like the word help. I
reached my hand into his doghouse. I know it was a dumb thing to do, but he
looked like he needed me. His jaws snapped and I jerked my hand away before
he could bite me. We called a center and they came and took him away. Later
that day, they put him to sleep. They gave me his corpse in a cardboard box.

Royal (2)
CB: God. This is really embarrassing. (Pause.) My dog died. He got rabies. They,
um, had to put him under. I looked up rabies on the internet. Its an acute viral
infection. Its transmitted through infected saliva. I guess he must have been
bitten by something that had it. Maybe a fox or a raccoon. Bats can have it too. It
travels from the bite to the spinal cord and the brain. Then the victim gets a
really high fever and uncontrollable excitement, then spasms of the throat
muscles. Thats what causes them to salivate. They cant swallow water. Another
word for the infection is hydrophobia, which of course means fear of water.
Can you imagine not being able to swallow? That must suck. (Beginning to
ramble) Its weird. We had him vaccinated when he was a puppy. I guess it
doesnt always work. (Beat.) We had a funeral for him. Well, my sister and me
did. I think I was supposed to say something, but I couldnt think of anything to
say. I just stood there, frozen, like an idiot. I couldnt think of a fucking thing. My
brain went numb and thats never happened to me before. I mean, theres
always something going on up there, right? Even in the subconscious. My head
was completely blank and it was so uncomfortable. People meditate to clear their
minds. I dont get that. I dont ever want to have a clear mind again. It made me
feel faint. I guess I was thinking, by burying him, that Id have some closure or
feel his presence there or something and I didnt and that just freaked me out, so
I dont know. I mean, have you ever had someone close to you die and you cant
stop thinking about them and whats appened to them? Its like youre stuck in
this morbid place and death is the only thing you can think about and you feel
like your head is going to explode and it makes you think that youre not even
there. That maybe youre dead, too.
Cat on a Hot Tin Roof:

Tennesee Williams
Brick: All right. You're askin' for it, Big Daddy. We're finally goin' to have that
real, true talk you wanted. It's too late to stop it now, we got to carry it through
an' cover ev'ry subject. Maggie declares that Skipper an' I went into pro football
after we left Ole Miss because we were scared to grow up, wanted to keep on
tossin' those long long, high, high passes that couldn't be intercepted except by
time, th' aerial attack that made us famous! An' so we did, we did, we kept it up
for one season, that aerial attack. We held it high! Yeah, but--that summer
Maggie, she laid down the law to me--she said now or never, and so I married
Maggie. She went on the road that fall with th' Dixie Stars. Oh, she made a great
show of bein' the world's best sport. She wore a tall bearskin cap! A shake, they
call it, a dyed moleskin coat, a moleskin coat dyed red. Cut up crazy! Rented
hotel ball rooms for victory celebrations, wouldn't cancel 'em when it turned
out---defeat. Maggie the cat! But Skipper, he had some fever which came back
on him which the doctors couldn't explain, an' I got that injury--turned out to be
just a shadow on th' X-ray plate, an' a touch of bursitis. I lay in a hospital bed,
watched our games on TV, saw Maggie on the bench next to Skipper when he
was hauled out of the game for stumbles, fumbles!--burned me up the way she
hung on his arm! Y'know I think that Maggie had always felt sort of left out, so
she took this time to work on poor dumb Skipper! Poured in his mind the dirty,
false idea that what we were, him an' me was a frustrated case of ole sissyboys
like Jack Straw an' Peter Ochello! He, poor Skipper, went to bed with Maggie to
prove it wasn't true, an' when it didn't work out, he thought it was true! Skipper
broke in two like a rotten stick--nobody ever turned so fast into a lush--or died of
it so quick. Now--are you satisfied?
The Gingerbread Lady:

Neil Simon
Jimmy: I'm okay, I'm not upset anymore. I'm alright...I know my leg is shaking, but I'm
alright. They pushed the opening of the show back one night...It's opening Tuesday instead of
Monday. It's also another actor, instead of me. They fired me. The little son of a bitch fired me
three nights before the opening. Fired by a nineteen-year-old producer from Oklahoma A &
M...Look at that leg. Do you realize the tension that must be going on in my body right now? If
he didn't like me, why'd he hire me in the first place, heh?... The entire cast is shocked.
Shocked. Three night before the opening. He didn't even get somebody else to tell me. He
wanted to tell me himself...He stood there with a little smile on his Goddamned baby face and
said, "Sorry, Jimmy, it's just not working out.".... Three night before the opening. My name was
in the Sunday Times ad. I've got eighteen relatives from Paterson, New Jersey, coming to the
opening. Six of them already sent me telegrams...My Aunt Rosario sent me a Candygram, I
already ate the Goddamned candy. Everybody in the cast wanted to walk out on the show, I
wouldn't let them. Even the director was crazy about me...I can't breathe, I can't catch my
breath, I'm so upset...I gotta calm down, I'll be alright. You know how it feels for a grown man
to plead and beg to a child? A child!... I said to him, "You're not happy, I'll do it any way you
want. Faster, slower, louder, I'll wear a dress, I'll shave my head, I'll relieve myself on the stage
in front of my own family, I'm an actor, give me a chance to act.".... He turned his back on me
and shoved a Tootsie Roll in his mouth. It's the worst piece of crap every put on a stage. That's
why I'm so humiliated. To get fired from a piece of garbage like that, who's gonna want me for
something good? Do you know who they gave my part o? The understudy. He's not even a fulltime actor, he drives a cab in the day...A Puerto Rican cab driver. Can't speak English. He go
me coffee the first two weeks, now he's got my part...Look how my neck is throbbing. That's
blood pumping into the brain, I'm gonna have a hemorrhage. What am I going to tell my family
in Jersey? My sister's taking my twelve-year-old niece, her first time in the theatre, never saw
me on the stage, she's gonna think she's got a Puerto Rican uncle...I was thinking maybe I
wouldn't tell anyone. Opening night I'll show up in the theatre, walk out on the stage, two of us
The Glass Menagerie:

Tennesee Williams
Jim: Im glad to see you have a sense of humor. You know - youre different than anybody else I
know? Do you mind me telling you that? I mean it. You make me feel sort of I dont know how to
say it! Im usually pretty good at expressing things, but this is something I dont know how to say!
Did anybody ever tell you that you were pretty? Well, you are! And in a different way from anyone
else. And all the nicer because of the difference. Oh, boy , I wish that you were my sister. Id teach
you to have confidence in yourself. Being different is nothing to be ashamed of. Because other
people arent such wonderful people. Theyre a hundred times one thousand. Youre one times one!
They walk all over the earth. You just stay here. Theyre as common as weeds, but - you, well
youre a rose! Its right for you! Youre pretty! Youre pretty in all respects your eyes your hair.
Your hands are pretty! You think Im saying this because Im invited to dinner and have to be nice.
Oh, I could do that! I could say lots of things without being sincere. But Im talking to you sincerely. I
happened to notice you had this inferiority complex that keeps you from feeling comfortable with
people. Somebody ought to build your confidence up way up! And make you proud instead of shy
and turning away and blushing - . Somebody ought to somebody ought to kiss you Laura!
(Awkward pause) Laura, you know, if I had a sister like you, Id do the same things as Tom. Id
bring fellows home to meet you. Maybe I shouldnt be saying this. That may not have been the idea
in having me over. But what if it was? Theres nothing wrong with that. The only trouble is that in
my case Im not in a position to ---- I cant ask for your number and say Ill phone. I cant call up
next week end ask for a date. I thought I had better explain the situation in case you
misunderstood and I hurt your feelings You see, Ive got strings on me. Laura, Ive been going
steady! I go out all the time with a girl named Betty. Oh, shes a nice quiet home girl like you, and
Catholic and Irish, and in a great many ways we get along fine. I met her last summer on a
moonlight boat trip up the river to Alton, on the Majestic. Well right away from the start it was
love! Oh, boy, being in love has made a new man of me! The power of love is pretty tremendous!
Love is something that changes the whole world. I happened that Bettys aunt took sick and she got
a wire and had to go to Centralia. So naturally when Tom asked me to dinner naturally I accepted
the invitation, not knowing I mean not knowing. I wish that you would say something. Well I
hope it doesnt seem like Im rushing off. But I promised Betty Id pick her up at the Wabash depot an
Death of a Salesman:
Arthur Miller
Biff: All right, phony! Then lets lay it on the line. (Anger building up) You are going to
hear the truth about us-what you are and what I am! Willy, you dont know who we are!
We never told the truth for ten minutes in this house! Youre practically full of it! We all
are! And Im through with it. Now hear this, Willy, this is me. You know why I had no
address for three months? I stole a suit in Kansas City and I was in jail. I stole myself
out of every job since high school! And I never got anywhere because you blew me so
full of hot air I could never stand taking orders from anybody! Thats whose fault it is!
Its about goddam time that you have heard this! I had to be boss big shot in two
weeks, and Im through with it! (More frustrated with Willy) Listen, Willy, listen! I ran
down eleven flights with a pen in my hand today. And suddenly I stopped, you hear
me? And in the middle of that office building, do you hear this? I stopped in the middle
of that building and I saw-the sky. I saw the things that I love in this world. The work
and the food and time to sit and smoke. And I looked at the pen and said to myself,
what the hell am I grabbing this for? Why am I trying to become what I dont want to
be? What am I doing in an office, making a contemptuous, begging fool of myself,
when all I want is out there, waiting for me the minute I say I know who I am! Why
cant I say that, Willy? (Becomes more emotional) Pop! Im only a dime a dozen, and so
are you! I am not a leader of men, and neither are you. You were never anything but a
hard-working drummer who landed in the ash can like all the rest of them! Im one
dollar an hour, Willy! I tried seven states and couldnt raise it. A buck an hour! Do you
gather my meaning! Im not bringing home any prizes anymore, and youre going to
stop waiting for me to bring them home! (Biff falls to knees and starts crying) Will you
let me go, for Christs sake? Will you take that phony dream and burn it before
something happens? (Stands up and tries to pull himself together) Ill go in the
All My Sons: Arthur Miller

Chris: Dad...you did it? (Shocked but keeping voice down) You did it to the others?
You sent out a hundred and twenty cracked engine-heads and let those boys die! How
could you do that? How? (Voice rises with anger) Dad...Dad, you killed twenty-one
men! You killed them, you murdered them. (Becomes more furious) Explain it to me.
Explain to me how you do it? What did you do? (Pause) Explain it to me goddammit or I
will tear you to pieces! I want to know what you did, now what did you do? You had a
hundred and twenty cracked engine-heads, now what did you do? Why'd you ship them
out in the first place? If you knew they were cracked, then why didn't you tell them?
(Relatively long pause, becomes more disgustedl) You knew they wouldn't hold up in
the air. You knew that those planes would come crashing down. Were you going to
warn them not to use them? Why the hell did you let them out of the factory? (Pause)
You were afraid maybe! God in heaven, what kind of a man are you? Kids were hanging
in the air by those heads. You knew that, and yet you did nothing about it! (Startled)
You did it for me? You wanted to save the business for me? (With burning fury) For me!
Where do you live, where have you come from? For me!-I was dying every day and you
were killing my boys and you did it for me? What the hell do you think I was thinking
of, the Goddam business? Is that as far as your mind can see, the business? What is
that, the world-the business? What the hell do you mean, you did it for me? Don't you
have a country? Don't you live in the world? What the hell are you? You're not even an
animal, no animal kills his own, what are you? What must I do to you? I ought to tear
the tongue out of your mouth! What must I do? (Begins to weep) What must I do, Jesus
God, what must I do?
The Crucible: Arthur Miller

Rev Hale: The sun will rise in a few minutes. There are orphans wandering
from house to house; abandoned cattle bellow on the highroads, the stink of
rotting crops hangs everywhere, and no man knows when the harlots cry
will end his life-and you wonder yet if rebellions spoke? Better you should
marvel how they do not burn your province! You ask why I have come here!?
(Frustrated, pause, then sarcastically) I come to do the Devils work. I come
to counsel Christians they should belie themselves. (His sarcasm collapses.)
There is blood on my head! Can you not see the blood on my head!! (Now
speaks to a woman) Your husband is marked to hang this morning. I come on
my own. I would save your husbands life, for if he is taken I count myself his
murderer. Do you understand me? Let you not mistake your duty as I
mistook my own. I came into this village like a bridegroom to his beloved,
bearing gifts of high religion; the very crowns of holy law I brought, and what
I touched with my bright confidence, it died; and where I turned the eye of
my great faith, blood flowed up. Beware; cleave to no faith when faith brings
blood. If is mistaken law that leads you to sacrifice. Life, woman, life is Gods
most precious gift; no principle, however glorious, may justify the taking of
it. I beg you, woman, prevail upon you husband to confess. Let him give his
lie. Quail not before Gods judgment in this, for it may well be God damns a
liar less than he that throws his life away for pride. Will you plead with him? I
cannot think he will listen to another.
Biloxi Blues: Neil Simon

Arnold: I was in the latrine alone. I spent four hours cleaning it, on my hands and
knees. It looked better than my mother*s bathroom at home. Then these two non-coins
come in, one was the cook, that three hundred pound guy and some other slob, with
cigar butts in their mouths and reeking from beer. . . They come in to pee only instead
of using the urinal, they use one of the johns, both peeing in the same one, making
circles, figure-eights. Then they start to walk out and I say, "Hey, I just cleaned that.
Please flush the johns." And the big one, the cook, says to me, "Up your ass, rookie," or
some other really clever remark . . And I block the doorway and I say, "There*s a
printed order on the wall signed by Captain Landon stating the regulations that all
facilities must be flushed after using" . . . And I*m requesting that they follow
regulations, since I was left in charge, and to please flush the facility.. . And the big one
says to me, "Suppose you flush it, New York Jew Kike," and I said my ethnic heritage
notwithstanding, please flush the facility. . . They look at each other, this half a ton of
brainless beef and suddenly rush me, turn me upside down, grab my ankles and and
and they lowered me by my feet with my head in the toilet, in their filth, their poison
. . . all the way until I couldn*t breathe.. . then they pulled off my belt and tied my feet
on to the ceiling pipes with my head still in their foul waste and tied my hands behind
my back with dirty rags, and they left me there, hanging like a pig that was going to be
slaughtered . . . I wasn*t strong enough to fight back. I couldn*t do it alone. No one
came to help me... Then the pipe broke and I fell to the ground.. . It took me twenty
minutes to get myself untied... Twenty minutes! . . . But it will take me the rest of my
life to wash off my humiliation. I was degraded. I lost my dignity. If I stay, Gene, if they
put a gun in my hands, one night, I swear to God, I*ll kill them both. .. I*m not a
murderer. I dont want to disgrace my family...But I have to get out of here....Now do
Loves Labours Lost:

Shakespeare
Breowne: Here stand Ilady, dart thy skill at me.
Bruise me with scorn, confound me with a flout,
Thrust thy sharp wit quite through my ignorance,
Cut me to pieces with thy keen conceit,
And I will wish thee nevermore to dance,
Nor nevermore in Russian Habit wait;
O, never will I trust speeches to be penned,
Nor to the motion of a school boys tongue,
Nor never come in vizard to my friend,
Nor woo in rhyme, like a blind harpers song.
Taffeta phrases, silken terms precise,
Three-piled hyperboles, spruce affectation,
Figures pedanticalthese summer flies
Have blown me full of maggot ostentation.
I do forswear them, and I here protest
By this white glove (how white the hand God knows)
Henceforth my wooing mind shall be expressed
In russet yeas and honest kersey noes.
And to begin, wenchso God help me, la!
My love to thee is sound, sans crack or flaw.
Richard III: Shakespeare

Richard: Give me another horse: bind up my wounds.
Have mercy, Jesu!Soft! I did but dream.
O coward conscience, how dost thou afflict me!
The lights burn blue. It is now dead midnight.
Cold fearful drops stand on my trembling flesh.
What do I fear? myself? there's none else by:
Richard loves Richard; that is, I am I.
Is there a murderer here? No. Yes, I am:
Then fly. What, from myself? Great reason why:
Lest I revenge. What, myself upon myself?
Alack. I love myself. Wherefore? for any good
That I myself have done unto myself?
O, no! alas, I rather hate myself
For hateful deeds committed by myself!
I am a villain: yet I lie. I am not.
Fool, of thyself speak well: fool, do not flatter.
My conscience hath a thousand several tongues,
And every tongue brings in a several tale,
And every tale condemns me for a villain.
Perjury, perjury, in the high'st degree
Murder, stem murder, in the direst degree;
All several sins, all used in each degree,
Medea: Euridipes
Jason: Often and often ere now I have observed that an
intractable nature is a curse almost impossible to deal with.
So with you, Medea. When you might have stayed on this
land and in this house by submitting quietly to the wishes of
your superiors, your forward tongue got you expelled from
the country. Not that your abuse troubles me at all. Keep on
saying that Jason is a villain of the deepest dye. But for you
insolence to to royalty consider yourself more than fortunate
that you are only being punished by exile. I was constantly
mollifying the angry monarch and expressing the wish that
you be allowed to stay. But in unabated folly you keep on
reviling the king. That is why you are expelled.
But still, despite everything, I come here now with unwearied
goodwill, to contrive on your behalf, Madam, that you and
the children will not leave this country lacking money or
anything else. Exile brings many hardships in its wake. And
even if you do hate me, I could never think cruelly of you.
Spike Heels
Georgie: Bullshit. Fuck you, that is such fucking bullshit. You think I dont know
how to behave in public or something? Jesus, I was a goddamn waitress for years,
the customers fucking loved me. You think I talk like this in front of strangers; you
think I dont have a brain in my head or something? That is so fucking
condescending. Anytime I lose my temper, Im crazy, is that it? You dont know
why I threw that pencil, you just assume. You just make those assumptions. Well
fuck you, Andrew. I mean it. Fuck you. I mean, I just love that. You dont even
know. Youve never seen me in the office. You think Im like, incapable of acting
like somebody Im not? For four months Ive been scared to death but I do it, you
know, I take messages, I call the court, I write his damn letters. I watch my mouth,
I dress like this whatever this is; these are the ugliest clothes I have ever seen. I
am gracious, I am bright. I am promising. I am being this other person for them
because I do want this job but there is a point beyond which I will not be fucked
with! So you finally push me beyond that point, and I throw the pencil and now
youre going to tell me that that is my problem? What, do you guys think you hold
all the cards or something? You think that you have the last word on reality? You
do, you think that anything you do to me is okay and anything I do is fucked
because Im not using the right words. Im, like, throwing pencils and saying fuck
you, Im speaking another language, thats my problem. And the thing is I am
America. You know? You guys are not America. You think you are; Jesus Christ, you
guys think you own the world. I mean, who made up these rules, Andrew? And do
you actually think were buying it?
An Experiment with and

Air Pump by Shelagh
Stephenson
Susannah: Dont speak to me like a child! I am not a wayward infant to be scolded indulgently. I
am your wife! Listen to me when I talk to you, take notice of what I say. Do not dismiss it as
precocious whimsy! I want you to take me seriously, do you understand Joseph? When you
married, Joseph, you thought me beautiful. But you never mentioned any other requirements.
The fact that I knew nothing of politics or science seemed a matter of supreme indifference to
you. In fact, you found my ignorance delightful, charming even. You loved me Joseph. You
pursued me with such tenderness, such dogged devotion, how could I not love you in return?
Because the choice was not mine, dyou understand? I never had the freedom to choose as you
did. I was a passive thing, waiting to be filled up with love and ooze it out in return. That is what
young women do Joseph, they wait for a man to bestow his mysterious gift on them. I loved you
because you loved me. That was my criterion. What else did I have to go on? What else did I
know? You caused this love in me! You planted it in me and then you abandoned it! You have
given your entire life over to your work! Oh certainly you have feelings, indeed you do, you are
stuffed to bursting point with feelings about this injustice here, that cruelty there. You have
feelings for every passing stray but none whatsoever for me. Ive watched you weep bitter tears,
Ive watched you tear your hair at the misfortunes of utter strangers, whilst my most palpable
misery goes sublimely unacknowledged. How could you love me so much then and so little now?
Am I not the same person? Perhaps the women you professed such tenderness towards then was
an invention, a construct of your imagination. Joseph, if you bear any visage of that love for me
now, you must make it manifest. You must talk to me in a language which does not exclude me.
Do not shut me out. Do not humiliate me in front of your friends, but include me, ask my advice,
my opinion. I know I behave ridiculously, dont imagine I am unaware of it. I loath the role I have
taken on, but you forced me into it, dyou understand? It is the only part you have left open to
me and I have played it to the hilt. You talk always of equality. Why dont you practice it? I want
to be your equal, not a fawning, yapping lap dog.
August: Osage County by

Tracy Letts
Jean: Do you mind if I smoke a bowl? Cause theres no place I can go. Yknow, Im staying
right by Grandmas room, and if I go outside, theyre gonna wonder Mom and Dad dont
mind. You wont get in trouble or anything. I say they dont mind. If they knew that I stuck
this bud under the cap of dads deodorant before our flight and then sat there sweating like
in that movie Maria Full of Grace I just mean they dont mind if I smoke pot. Dad doesnt.
Mom kind of does. She thinks its bad for me. I think the real reason it bugs her is cause
Dad smokes pot, too, and she wishes he didnt. Dads much cooler than Mom, really. Well,
thats not true. Hes just cooler in that way, I guess. No, hes really not cooler. He and mom
are separated right now. Hes fucking one of his students which is pretty uncool, if you ask
me. Some people would think thats cool, like the dicks who teach with him in the
Humanities Department because theyre all fucking their students or wish they were
fucking their students. Lo-liii-ta. I mean, I dont care and all, he can fuck whoever he
wants and hes a teachers and thats who teachers meet, students. He was just a turd the
say he went about it and didnt give Mom a chance to respond or anything. What sucks
now is that Moms watching me like a hawk, like, shes afraid Ill have some post-divorce
freak-out and become some heroin addict or shoot everybody at school. Or God forbid, lose
my virginity. I dont know what it is about Dad splitting that put Mom on hymen patrol. Mom
freaked when she got the call about Grandpa from Aunt Ivy this morning, just likefreaked.
Ive never seen her like that. I couldnt get her to calm down. It was weird. I guess its not
weird that she freaked out, but like, to see your mom freak like that, like youve never seen
before, you know? And were real close. Dont say anything about my Mom and Dad
splitting up, okay? Theyre trying to play this kind of low key.
The Seagull: Anton

Chekhov
Nina: Why do you say that you have kissed the ground I walked on? You should kill
me rather. I am so tired. If I could only restrest. I am a sea-gullnono, I am an
actress. He is there too. Ah, wellno matter. He does not believe in the theatre; he
used to laugh at my dreams, so that little by little I became down-hearted and
ceased to believe in it too. Then came all the cares of love, the continual anxiety
about my little one, so that I soon grew trivial and spiritless, and played my parts
without meaning. I never knew what to do with my hands, and I could not walk
properly or control my voice. You cannot imagine the state of mind of one who
knows as he goes through a play how terribly badly he is acting. I am a sea-gull
nono, that is not what I meant to say. Do you remember how you shot a seagull
once? A man chanced to pass that way and destroyed it out of idleness. That is an
idea for a short story, but it is not what I meant to say.
What was I saying? Oh, yes, the stage. I have changed now. Now I am a real
actress. I act with joy, with exaltation, I am intoxicated by it, and feel that I am
superb. I have been walking and walking, and thinking and thinking, ever since I
have been here, and I feel the strength of my spirit growing in me every day. I
know now, I understand at last, Constantine, that for us, whether we write or act,
it is not the honor and glory of which I have dreamt that is important, it is the
strength to endure. One must know how to bear one's cross, and one must have
faith. I believe, and so do not suffer so much, and when I think of my calling I do
not fear life.
The Dream of the Burning

Boy by David West Read
Rachel: Its nice to see youre doing better. I mean, the last few times Ive seen you, in the halls
or at the funeral or whatever you were obviously really upset, so its nice to see youve
stopped crying. You going to English tomorrow? Im going. At least Mr. Morrow is still, like
normal. All the other teachers are too busy pussyfooting around to actually teach us anything.
All the teachers are totally freaked out right now, its so awesome. I was in Art today, and we
were supposed to paint a perspective landscape or something, but I drew a picture of like a
bloody heart and flames and like angry letters that spelled out brother and Miss Craig thought
I was like really unstable, so I got an A. Yeah, and in Drama were doing this like improv roleplaying thing, which is supposed to be really funny, but I was in this one scene, and I was like a
farmers wife or something, and Greg Luk was trying to sell our robot goat, and we were arguing
about it and people were laughing, and then I just got really into it, and I was like, No! We need
this robot goat! The whole fucking robot farm depends on it! And I started crying, like not real
tears, but I kind of collapsed and hid my face so it looked like I was crying, so everyone got real
quiet. I was all curled up in a ball, and I was just thinking, like how long can I stay like this
before someone actually makes me get up? Two and a half minutes. Dead silence. Totally
awkward. Finally, Mr. Salvatti comes over and starts like rubbing my back, and I look up and
hes got tears in his eyes. Real tears. So yeah, all of a sudden Im like a straight-A student.
(Laughs, then) Youre not laughing. You probably think I should just stay home like everyone
else. I mean, everyone else is do traumatized, everyone else is so affected by the loss, and
theyre not even his sister. Or his girlfriend. Right? Its funny, you know I havent talked to
anyone yet. I mean, lots of people have talked to me about it. My aunt called last night and she
was like, you know, its probably going to be hardest on you, Rachel, because losing a brother so
close to your own age is like losing a twin, and when you lose a twin its like losing half your
soul, and it could be genetic, so you could get an aneurysm, too, so you should probably be
really careful from now on. I was like cool. Thanks, Aunt Barb.
Ancle Vanya by Anton

Chekhov
SONYA: What can we do? We must live out our lives.[A pause]Yes,
we shall live, Uncle Vanya. We shall live all through the endless
procession of days ahead of us, and through the long evenings. We
shall bear patiently the burdens that fate imposes on us. We shall
work without rest for others, both now and when we are old. And
when our final hour comes, we shall meet it humbly, and there
beyond the grave, we shall say that we have known suffering and
tears, that our life was bitter. And God will pity us. Ah, then, dear,
dear Uncle, we shall enter on a bright and beautiful life. We shall
rejoice and look back upon our grief here. A tender smile -- and -- we
shall rest. I have faith, Uncle, fervent, passionate faith. We shall rest.
We shall rest. We shall hear the angels. We shall see heaven shining
like a jewel. We shall see evil and all our pain disappear in the great
pity that shall enfold the world. Our life will be as peaceful and gentle
and sweet as a caress. I have faith; I have faith.[Wiping away her
tears]My poor, poor Uncle Vanya, you are crying![Weeping]You
have never known what it is to be happy, but wait, Uncle Vanya, wait!
We shall rest. We shall rest. We shall rest.
Gruesome Playground
Injuries - Rajiv Joseph
DOUG: You know what, Kayleen? Jesus Christ, you know, I
came to your house last year and your dad was there, and I
know he hates my guts, he always has, and he's like She is
where she is. I don't know where the girl is. He said he didn't
care and didn't care to know. And I was about to just leave,
but I didn't. I didn't and I said to that son of a bitch... (he turns
to the funeral home and shouts at it) You remember, asshole?
You dead piece of shit!? You remember what I said to you!? I
said to him, you are fucking worthless. You have a daughter
and she is a gift from God. She is the most perfect being to
ever walk this earth and you don't even know it. And she loves
you because you're her stupid father. But you've never loved
her back, you've just damaged her and fucked her up, and
never bothered to notice she's this angel. So fuck you,
cocksucker. (beat) And then I told him I hoped he'd die alone.
Which he did. So I feel a little guilty about that now. (beat) I
can take care of you, Leenie.
Gruesome Playground
Injuries - Rajiv Joseph
KAYLEEN: You can't marry that girl, Doug. You can't. Because
what about me? What about me, huh? When my dad died,
when you... when you came to the funeral home that night...
That stuff you said to me... You' re always doing that, you
know? The top 10 best things anyone's ever done for me have
all been done by you. That's pretty good, right? And I know. I
know I know I know... I'm so stupid. I'm always. ..I'm just
fucked up, you know that. And so I need you to stick it out,
Dougie. Im gonna need you to come looking for me again. Im
sorry. But you have to wake up now. You have to wake up for
me. Because I'm not great, you know? Im not great. And I
really need you right now. I really need you to come over and
show me some stupid shit again, tell me some stupid joke like
you always do. I'm sorry I've been gone. Im back now. You
know? I'm back now. So wake up. Wake up now, buddy. Just,
you know. . .rise and shine. It's Tuesday. That was always your
favorite day.
The Beautiful Dark by Erik

Gernand
Sydney: It was his play. He was writing it on his own, like instead of doing
homework and stuff. And for like the whole semester it was all he worked
on. But he wouldnt let me read it, or even talk about it. He was obsessed
with this play and I wanted to know why. To see in his head. Sometimes he
just gets so quiet, you know? So we were in his room one time and he went
to take a shower. And I knew I had like fifteen minutes at least, so I got on
his computer and I knew I shouldnt, it wasnt my business but I
emailed it to myself. So that night I read his play. And it scared me. You
know Jacob. I mean, he gets angry you know, moody, pissy sometimes.
But this play his play. It was just different. Violent. Really violent. About
school. And it just seemed so personal. I mean, I think everything people
write is personal, but this seemed like it was more than that. I had this
feeling you know? You hear stories. On the news. When bad things
happen. And everybody says they didnt know. I mean, maybe they
thought the guy was acting kind of strange, but they didnt really know. Not
what the guy would do at least. Like with that Congresswoman in Arizona.
Or Virginia Tech. But what if they did? What if they knew but just didnt
want to know? Im probably totally wrong. I didnt know what to do though.
So I told my adviser. I have her the play. I didnt know they were going to
kick him out. I swear. I wanted them to help him. Why didnt they help him?
Pollywog by John P.
McEneny
Tammy: You dont even know how to work the DVR or the I-pod doc. (To
mom) You still read the newspapers and you (to dad) wear sweater
vests. You have angina. You are such an embarrassment. You are ruining
my life. You are tool old to have another baby. People are going to think
Im the mother! Theyre going to think I broke my promise ring and had
sex and delivered a secret baby that I conceived with Randy Sanderson
on the boat landing at Welcome Arms after curfew. Which we never did!
Even though Ashley Ringer thought it was so Christian to stand up at
Share Time and challenge my purity. I would never defile my chastity
vow. Especially not with Randy Sanderson who doesnt even have
underarm hair. We were talking about Jesus, and the scriptures, and
about how gross his bunkmate, Lance, was. He needed to get away from
him cabin. Lance smells like warm feet. He says its a glandular condition
but we dont think so. Randy and I were just talking. And it was nice and
all those jerks like Ashley Ringer had to go and turn it into something
sinful and immoral. And now what are they going to think? Theyre going
to think exactly what they already think. Did you consider even for a
second how this baby is going to affect me? You and dad are so selfish.
People talk. Especially people from Lakeside Christian. They talk a lot.
Year of the Rooster by Eric

Dufault
Philipa: See, the thing is, Im a go-getter! I go, and I get! You
dont need to be a dude, you dont need to be a slut, you dont
need to graduate high school, all you need to know is what you
want and go get it! I dont do coke, I dont do smack, and, now
man, everythings coming up Philipa. Ten years from now, Im
gonna be like the manager of all McDonalds, and you know
where Im going after that? (beat) Walt Disney World Resort. You
ever been to Walt Disney World Resort? Course ya havnt. I have
literally me no one who went to Walt Disney World Resort. I
bought this Disney autograph book when I was five? And when I
go to Walt Disney World Resort, Im gonna meet the dude who
plays the little naked kid in the Jungle Book? Mowgli? And Im
gonna fuck the shit out of him. And after weve finished, Ill get
him to sign my autograph book. And then, whenever any basic
bitch tries to shame me or make me feel lesser than her or
whatever, Ill show them the autograph book and be like:
Whatve you done, bitch? And thats when Ill know Ive made it.
Last First Kiss by Chad

Beckim
Gabby: Every day, I see these girls - pretty girls, smart girls, like my friends, my
sisters, their friends all these girls surrounded by these stupid, selfish, asshole boys. I
see all of these girls get treated like shit every single day and just, take it. Day in , day
out, just take this bullshit nonsense. And every day it made me more and more
determined not to be like that. Me, thinking, No way thats going to happen to me.
Like absolutely determined not to fall into that stupid trap, thinking no way am I
planning my free time and weekends and life around these stupid boys. I have spent a
great deal of time avoiding these situations, because I see. I see that its not
permanent, that these guys just run around and try to say the right things and do the
right things trying to, whatever, make out or cop a feel or get in your pants and all
that and Im like, Not Me. No way. (beat) And then you. You come along and dont
push. Youre sweet. Youre smart. Funny. You can hold a conversation thats not about
video games or sports. You notice when Im wearing something different. When I get
my hair cut or wear it a different way. You like, respect me and treat me nice and
God this sounds so stupid. Its so different than anything Ive ever seen from anyone
else. I have never seen anyone else get treated the way you have treated me. So, I,
whatever, let you in? I let you in. And now now I randomly catch you kissing Tommy
Miller in the Chem Lab. (beat) So youre gay. Whatever. Thats fine. I feel stupid that I
was too nave to catch on before, but okay, whatever. Proms are supposed to be
momentous occasions. This has certainly been a momentous occasion. But I have to
suspect you knew about this long before I did. I dont believe that this was some,
what, random freak occurrence. So what was I to you? Huh? Was I, like, some sort of
experiment. Some like, barometer for heterosexuality? A human litmus test? And dont
try to hide behind some stupid bullshit excuse because if you do Ill come over there
and take that stupid flower off your lapel and stab you in the ear with it.

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Menu- Female Classical

Female Contemporary Comedic

Maggie from Lend Me a Tenor

Female Contemporary Comedic

Dr. Graham from Taste of Sunrise

Maggie from Lend Me a Tenor

Carly from Reasons to Be Pretty

Female Classical Comedic

Dorine from Tartuffe

Female Classical Dramatic

Lady Percy from Henry IV

Female Classical Dramatic

Julia from Two Gentlemen of Verona

Dorine from Tartuffe

Hero from Much Ado About Nothing

Maggie from Lend Me a Tenor

Diana from Moving Diana

Dorine from Tartuffe

Hero from Much Ado About Nothing

Stuart from Beyond Therapy

Scoop from The Heidi Chronicles

Stuart from Beyond Therapy

Jimmy from The Gingerbread Lady

Male Classical Comedic

Male Classical Dramatic

Lend Me a Tenor: Ken

Goodbye Charles: Gabriel

Dog Sees God: Bert V

Dog Sees God: Bert V

CBs Sister: Metamorphosis. Transformation. Evolution. Change. I am a

I Hate Hamlet: Paul

Miss Firecracker Contest: Beth

Play it Again, Sam: Woody Allen

Greater Tuna: Jaston Williams, Joe

OH DAD, POOR DAD, SOMEONE' S HUNG

Missing Marisa and Kissing

Cleo, Camping, Emmanuelle, and

Imogen: Im sorry. Im always causing arguments. If theres a man and

Reasons to be Pretty: Neil LaBute

Reasons to be Pretty: Neil LaBute

Reasons to be Pretty: Neil LaBute

The Geography of Luck: Marlene

The Marriage of Bette and Boo

The Motherfucker with the

Taste of Sunrise: Susan Zeder

Almost, Maine: John Cariana

Broadway Bound: Neil Simon

Cat on a Hot Tin Roof: Tennessee

Quilters: Barbara Damashek

Oleanna: David Mamet

private Yes.Yes.Im sorry.Im sorry.You feel yourself empowered

Dorrine: No, I ask nothing of you.

Alls Well that Ends Well:

Here on my knee before high heaven and

Loves Labours Lost:

Midsummers Night Dream:

Midsummers Night Dream:

So with two seeming bodies, but one

Midsummers Night Dream:

I will go tell him of fair Hermias flight;

Taming of the Shrew:

Twelfth Night: Shakespeare

My state is desperate for my masters