Psychology of Parenting

1. The Active Parent

2. Winning Cooperation
3. Responsibility and Discipline
4. Building Cooperation, Redirecting
Misbehavior
5. Drugs, Sexuality and Violence, Part 1
6. Drugs, Sexuality and Violence, Part 2
 Rapid Cycling Through Moods = Unpredictable
and challenging behavior

Continuing Identity Exploration =

Experimentation with personality, peers &
appearance

Beginning Concern with Others Thoughts about

Them = General defensiveness due to strong
feelings of self consciousness

Developing Capacity for Critical Analysis =

Constant analysis and critique of family members
 Pressure to be sexually active at a younger age
HIV/AIDS
Sexual Harassment issues
Rape
Increased pressure to try drugs and alcohol at younger ages
Greater risk of violent crimes
Greater pressure towards gang involvement
Greater amount of single parent families and step-families
More families in which both parents work outside the home
Increased exposure to mass media and advertising which
often sends false, harmful and/or mixed messages
Greater dangers among the internet
 To be a strong athlete; to be sports involved
To ask girls out
To be sexually active
To keep their emotions hidden
To look older
To be involved in drugs and alcohol
 To be pretty
To be polite and courteous
To be thin
To have a boyfriend
To be smart, but not too smart.
To give in sexually
To be involved in drugs and alcohol
 To protect and prepare children and teens to
survive and thrive in the kind of society in
which they will live.
 Courage
Responsibility
Cooperation
High Self-Esteem
Desire to Learn
Problem Solving Skills
Decision Making Skills
Technological Ability
1. Responsibility: the ability to make decisions and
accept the outcome of those decisions

2. Cooperation: the ability to work together with

others toward a common goal

3. Courage: the confidence to take a known risk for a

known purpose

4. Self-Esteem: having a high opinion of yourself not

equaling narcissism, and having confidence in
your ability to succeed.
 Leadership
Negotiation and Teamwork
High Self-Esteem for goal setting and
motivation
Creative thinking and problem solving abilities
Communication ability, both listening and
speaking
Reading, writing, math, and a general ability to
learn
1. Autocratic

2. Permissive

3. Democratic
 The autocratic style of parenting is
characterized by the parent over-controlling
the teen. This parent is a dictator and creates
limits without freedom.

This style is also known as the authoritarian

parent.
 The permissive style of parenting is one in
which the parent permits too much freedom
and ignores the problems going on in the
family. Permissive parenting usually contains
denial from the parent of important issues.
Permissive parenting signifies freedom
without limits.

Permissive parenting is also known as Laissez

Faire parenting.
 Democratic parenting is the more ideal style of
parenting. It includes a fair and consistent method
of parenting. Compromise is a consistent method
used by democratic parents. However, with
democratic parents, the parent has the final say.

Democratic parenting is also known as

authoritative parenting.

Democratic parenting is characterized as freedom

within limits. With teenagers, it is specifically
characterized as freedom within expanding limits.
1. Sensorimotor (B-2)

2. Preoperational (2-6)

3. Concrete Operational (7-11)

4. Formal Operational (12 -)

 Infants & toddlers focus on their 5 senses.

Object Permanence: The ability to understand

that objects still exist even when they cant be
seen. (Connected with separation anxiety).
 Symbolic Representation: The child learns
numbers and letters to represent vocabulary.
Largest vocabulary increase occurs from ages 30
36 months of age. 75% of an adults vocabulary is
attained by age 5.
Egocentrism: The inability to understand that a
child may feel differently than another.
Schema: A method of thinking
Assimilation: Fitting new information into an
already existing schema
Accommodation: Changing an existing schema to
fit new information
 The child can understand what they have
experienced within their own world.

Centration: (Also known as conservation). The

ability to understand 3-dimensionality in
regards to size and shape.

Reversibility: The ability to understand the

concept of positive and negative, and the
absence of value.
 The ability to think abstractly and hypothesize.
 Who owns the problem?

1. Whom is the problem directly affecting?

2. Who is raising the issue or making the complaint?

3. Whose goals are being blocked?

4. Does the problem involve heath, safety, family rules

or values? If so, the problem belongs to the parent.

5. Is the problem within reasonable limits for your

childs age?
 If the problem is parent owned, then provide
discipline.

If the problem is child owned, then provide

support.

If the problem is shared, provide discipline and

support.
Less structured Discipline Approaches:

Polite Requests
I Messages
Firm Directions

More Structured Approaches

Logical Consequences

FLAC Method
 State the Problem

Include the personal feeling

State the reason

State the desired change

 Stronger than an I message because it includes
a specific time frame.

Get Agreement
 Discipline that is logically connected to a
misbehavior and is applied by an authority to
influence a teen to behave within the limits of
the situation.
1. Ask teen to help decide
2. Put consequence in form of choice
3. Make sure consequence is logically connected
to the behavior
4. Give choices you can live with
5. Keep tone firm and friendly
6. Give choice one time and then enforce the
consequence
7. Expect testing
8. Allow teen to try again
 Feelings: Acknowledging shows you are working
together to solve the problem

Limits: Provides a good reason for the teen to not

be able to do something

Alternatives: Shows that you care about them and

teaches them the value of creative thinking

Consequences: Reminds the teen they need to be

responsible for their actions
 The results that occur from a teens behavior
without any interference by a parent.

Two rules of thumb regarding Natural

Consequences:

1. Dont rescue teen from natural consequences.

2. Dont say I told you so, because it
undermines the natural consequence.
1. When the natural consequence may be
dangerous.

2. When the natural consequence is too far in the

future that the teen is not concerned about it.

3. When the natural consequence of a teens

behavior affects someone other than the teen.
1. Problem might go away, but this is a risky and
uncertain possibility.

2. Anger may grow in intensity possibly causing

desperate and potentially violent actions.

3. Our anger will seethe internally, expressing

itself in unexpected and unhealthy ways.
1. Act to change the situation, not the person.

2. Put the situation in perspective.

3. Find an acceptable alternative. Think

differently.
 Words: 8%

Tone of Voice: 42%

Body Language: 50% (hand gestures,

proximity, and facial expressions)
1. Commanding: to control the situation and provide quick
solutions

2. Giving Advice: To solve the problem for the teen

3. Placating: To take away the teens pain

4. Interrogating: To find out what the teen did wrong

5. Distracting: To protect the teen from negative feelings

6. Psychologizing (Analyzing): To explain away the teens motives

7. Judging: To make the teen see themselves as doing something

wrong
8. Being Sarcastic: To show the teen that he is wrong.

9. Moralizing: To show the teen a proper way to deal with the

problem

10. Being a know-it-all: To show the teen that the parent is a resource

11. Focusing on mistakes: To get the teen to see what they did
wrong.

12. Negative expectations: To use guilt to get them to change.

13. Perfectionism: To motivate them to do their best with no breaks.

1. Listen Actively

2. Listen for Feelings

3. Look for alternatives and evaluate

consequences

4. Offer Encouragement

5. Follow Up Later
1. Give full attention

2. Keep own talk to a minimum

3. Acknowledge whats being said

4. Listen with empathy (sharing anothers

feelings)
 Dependent upon the parent, the child, and the
situation.

Be careful not to turn this into a lecture.

 Responsibility = Choice + Consequence

Parent Owned: Provide Discipline

Child Owned: Provide Support

Shared: Provide discipline and support

1. Accepting our obligations
2. Doing the right thing as the situation calls for
it.
3. Accepting accountability for our actions.

R = C+C

Responsibility = Choice + Consequence

 Discipline comes from the Latin word
Disciplina and means to teach.
Logical Consequence
Logically connected to misbehavior
Intended to teach responsibility
Given in firm and calm way
Respectful
Allow teen to participate

Punishment
Arbitrary retaliation for misbehavior
Intended to teach obedience
Often delivered with anger and resentment
Disrespectful
Dictated by authority
 Based on four Principles:

1. Positive Reinforcement

2. Negative Reinforcement

3. Positive Punishment

4. Negative Punishment
 Reinforcement = Increasing a behavior

Positive = Giving

Negative = Taking

Positive Reinforcement: Increasing a behavior by

giving

Negative Reinforcement: Increasing a behavior by

taking
 Punishment: Decreasing a Behavior

Positive Punishment: Decreasing a behavior by

giving

Negative Punishment: Decreasing a behavior

by taking
 Increase Behavior Decrease Behavior
Give Positive Reinforcement Positive Punishment

Take Negative Reinforcement Negative Punishment

1. Escape Conditioning: The increasing of a
behavior by removing an aversive stimulus.

2. Avoidance Conditioning: The expectation of

the removal of an aversive stimulus due to an
increase in behavior. (The combination of
classical conditioning and negative
reinforcement).
 Active Parenting: Ch. 1,2,3

Piaget: 4 Stages of Develoment

Behavioral Theory
 Teen Behavior and Problem Solving
 Courage: The confidence to take a known risk
for a known purpose.
 To succeed, teens must have the courage to risk
failure.

It takes courage to keep working when the task

is challenging.

It takes courage to resist peer pressure to take

drugs, commit crimes, or become sexually
active before one is ready.
 Courage is the first of human qualities
because it is the one upon which all others
depend upon.

-Winston Churchill
 Courage comes from the French word, couer,
which means heart.
 The Think Feel Do Cycle

Event-Think-Feel-Do

Event: (Failure Cycle)

Lower Values & Self-Esteem

Discouraged
Negative Behavior

Event: (Success Cycle)

Higher Values & Self-Esteem

Encouraged
Positive Behavior
 Events: Help limit the negative influences they
encounter

Think: a) help teach them to filter the

negative values they hear, while
encouraging the positive ones.
b) encourage them to think rationally
about their lives.

Feel: Encourage the positive behavior.

 Expecting too little

Focusing on Mistakes

Expecting too Much

Overprotecting
 Showing Confidence

Building on Strengths

Valuing the Teen

Stimulating Independence
 Contact/Belonging: Undue Attention Seeking

Power: Rebellion

Protection: Revenge

Withdrawal: Undue Avoidance

Challenge: Thrill-Seeking
 Contact/Belonging: Contribution

Power: Appropriate Challenge & Discussion

Protection: Forgiveness/Appropriate
Interaction

Withdrawal: Centering

Challenge: Appropriate Adventure

Teens Goal Positive Approach Negative Approach
Contact Belonging Undue Attention
Seeking
Power Independence Rebellion

Protection Assertiveness/Forgive- Revenge

ness
Withdrawal Appropriate Avoidance Undue Avoidance

Challenge Safe Adventures Thrill-Seeking

 In the U.S., there are 10 million drinkers between the ages of
12 and 20.

23 % of high school students smoke cigarettes. 80% of

smokers began before age 18.

50% of teens have tried an illicit drug by the end of high

school.

47% of high school students have had sexual intercourse. Of

that group, 37% did not use a condom at least once.

24% of girls ages 15-17 reported that drinking or drug use

had led them to do more sexually than planned or have
unprotected sex.
 31% of women become pregnant at least once before
age 20. 80% of those pregnancies are unintended. 81%
of these young women are unmarried.

Teens have the highest rate of STDs of any age group:

1 in 4 teens get an STD by age 21.

23% of youths ages 12-17 reported that they had gotten

into a serious fight at school or work in the past year.

26% of 14-17 year old boys said they or their friends

had been the victims of gang violence.
 Persistent sadness & hopelessness
Irritability, anger or hostility
Frequent crying
Apathy, withdrawal
Loss of interest in friends or activities
Negative changes in sleeping/eating habits
Restlessness and agitation
Lack of energy
Feelings of worthlessness, guilt
Difficulty concentrating
Unexpected aches and pains
Extreme sensitivity to criticism
Threats of suicide or death
 Approximately 4% of teens experience severe
depression

Approximately 20% of teens experience mild to

moderate depression long enough to be considered
clinically significant.

Depression can lead to drug/alcohol use, eating

disorders, cutting & suicidal thoughts.

Each year, million teens attempt suicide and

5000 succeed.
 Depression is usually treated with therapy,
medications and/or a combination of both.

80% of teens treated for depression experience

improvement.
 1. Be a positive role model and teacher of values

Family Talks:

-plan how you will introduce the topic

-think of questions that will stimulate discussion
-write down key points you wish to make before having the
conversation
-find support materials
-establish ground rules for the talk:
-speak respectfully
-invite everyones ideas
-share thoughts and feelings
-try to see issues from differing viewpoints
-compliment/encourage each other
 Prevention Strategy #2: Educate your teens about the
risks of drugs, sexuality & violence:
-be prepared
-dont get hooked into an argument
-invite your teens input
-come from caring, not authority (no one cares how
much you know until they know how much you care).

Prevention Strategy #3: Filter out the negatives and

filter in the positive influences
Negative Influences can include: media, internet, friends,
adults and other relationships, drugs, alcohol, promiscuity
Positive Influences can include: spiritual youth group leaders,
sports coaches, teachers, adult friends, relatives, mentors
 Prevention Strategy #4: Establish Clear
Guidelines for Behavior

Issues that can create problems: curfews,

having friends over or spending nights out,
going to parties, dating, driving with friends

Discuss a no-use policy regarding

drugs/alcohol
 Prevention Strategy #5: Monitor and Supervise Teen
Behavior
-provide things for your teen to do
-know where your teen is and who s/he is with

Prevention Strategy #6: Work with other Parents

Prevention Strategy #7: Provide Healthy Opportunities for

Challenge

Prevention Strategy #8: Consult with Teens about how to

Resist Peer Pressure

Resist Peer Pressure by: knowing your rights, having

courage to do whats right & having good comeback lines
 Prevention Strategies #9: Identify & Confront
High Risk Behavior

Stages of Drug Use:

Experimentation: 90% of teens will try alcohol or
marijuana
Social Use: of teens who experiment will move to this
stage, using at parties and social settings
Seeking: actively seeking out places where drugs can be
found. Addiction begins in this stage
Habitual Use: teens driven by the desire to use; addiction
and dependence are part of the habitual phase
 Heavy Identification with the drug culture

Signs of Physical Deterioration

Dramatic Changes in School Performance

Changes in General Behavior

Possession of Paraphernalia or drugs themselves

Odor of Drugs or Alcohol themselves

 Graffiti on belongings
Tattoos, Scars or Burns
Fights at School
Friends wearing same colors, symbols
Secretive behavior
Change of friends
Drugs/Alcohol
Anti-authority attitude
Unexplained expensive items or large sums of
money
Staying out late
 To Belong

Desire for Prestige

Protection from Bullies

Thrill Seeking
 Prevention Strategy #10: Calmly manage a
crisis, should one occur

Get help if necessary

Manage your own feelings

 Overall Agenda

Compliments
Reading the Minutes
Old Business/New Business
Chores and Allowance
Treat/Family Activity
 1) Anger has no place in parenting the difficult
teen.

The most important factor in parenting a

difficult child or teen is removing all anger out
of the equation and depersonalizing the
situation.

Remember, discipline means to teach.

 2) Do not lecture; Rather, question or create a
thought with simple statements.

Difficult children and teens will quickly tune

out lectures. Rather, use an inquisitive type of
question with real curiosity, or make a
statement to see how they react.
 3) Reactions to the statement will be two-fold.

One possibility (more often) is a sarcastic

response.

The second possibility is a true lack of

understanding of the situation.

These two responses must be handled

differently
 4) Sarcastic Responses

Treat sarcasm without anger and without

commanding; i.e. dont talk to me that way!

Treat sarcasm by asking, is it appropriate to

talk to me that way?

Dont yell. Dont whine (why do you say that

to me). (What am I going to do with you?)
 5) Lack of UnderstandingEducate

There will be some times when the teen truly

does not understand. Educate them, do not
discipline them.
 6) Pit bull: Bite Down

No matter how long it takes, stay with a

situation. Continue the talk even though the
teen will get angry and frustrated. Show them
that you as the parent will not.
 7) Ping-Pong

Learn to play ping-pong. Dont allow the teen

to turn the situation on the parent by allowing
them to think that you are crazy. Then, they
dont have to focus on their own behavior, and
that is their goal.
 #8) ABCDCBA

Move from one situation to the next, including

emotions, but be sure to come back to the
original issue at hand. Show the teen that you
will not be distracted or frustrated.
 Five Stage Developmental Theory

1) Oral
2) Anal
3) Phallic
4) Latent
5) Genital
 Babies are focused on gaining pleasure through
the mouth by biting or sucking.

Not enough satisfaction leads to fixation

Oral fixation leads to passive dependence

 Toilet training is a focus at this stage. If its
dealt with well, then the stage is resolved. If
not, the child becomes expulsive or fixated.

Anal Expulsive: the child becomes

disorganized and sloppy later in life.

Anal Retentive: the child becomes stingy and

ocd later in life.
 Children develop 2 complexes: Oedipus &
Electra

Oedipus Complex: Child has a subconscious

sexual desire for mother and longs to be close.
Father (or father image) stands in the way.
Fears castration anxiety. Is resolved by child
vowing to be just like daddy.

Fixation results in difficulty with same gender

parent or relationship issues.
 Electra Complex: Every female desires their own
penis and feels inferior as the result of not having
one.

Fixation leads to fear of intimacy with the opposite

sex and possible hating of male issues.

This theory was disputed by a famous female

psychologist who disputed what Freud said and
actually believed that it is 18 year old males that
have womb envy and feel inferior to women
because they cant reproduce.
 The Electra complex was refuted by:

KAREN HORNEY
 The latent stage is the stage in which children
repress sexual feelings and push them into the
background.

Boys become very competitive and girls

become very cooperative.
 This stage is the stage in which young teens are
capable of sexual maturity and sexual
reproduction.