Group Activity:

1. One spouse relies too heavily on the parents to help in

decision-making, leading the other spouse to feel
insignificant.
2. One spouse looks to the parent, not the partner, to get his
or her emotional needs met, leading the partner to feel
ignored.
3. One spouse reveals details of marital conflict with his or
her parents, leading the other spouse to feel betrayed.
 Decision-making dysfunction.
• Some spouses are used to asking their parents for direction; others
make decisions more independently. If you and your mate have
different habits on this score, conflict may result.
• If you're frustrated because your spouse consults with his or her
parents on decisions more than you'd like, the two of you need to
work through this issue. If you feel threatened by your spouse's
behavior, share that diplomatically but honestly. Talk about how the
two of you would like decision making to work. Would you prefer
that the two of you make choices without getting input from either
set of parents? Are there some decisions you'd ask one set of
parents about, but not the other?
 Emotional apron strings.
• If your spouse gets his or her emotional needs met in his or
her relationship with parents instead of with you, there's a
problem. You may even feel as if your spouse is having an
affair.
• Remember that your primary human relationship now is
with your spouse, not your parents. Your commitment to
God comes first; then your bond to your spouse, then to any
children you might have, then to your family of origin, and
then to extended family and friends.
 Betrayal.
• It's a common story: After a fight with his or her mate, a
spouse goes "home to mother" or calls the parents on the
phone and spills the details.
• This is detrimental to a marriage. It communicates disrespect
to your spouse and makes it hard for the parents to maintain
a healthy relationship with him or her.
• One exception would be conflict that involves violence.
Getting to safety is the first priority. Taking time to be apart
and see your parents can give you an opportunity to think
and establish a plan to repair the marriage. It's not helpful to
just go home to Mom and Dad to vent, however.
• Has one or both of your in-laws been meddling in your decision-
making by exerting undo influence upon you or your spouse?
• Have they been interfering in the way you discipline your children by
overruling your decisions when you are absent?
• Have they sought to control your mate’s thinking by constantly
badgering him or her when it comes to the way you run your
household or spend your money?
• Do your in-laws mock or belittle your spouse in your presence?
• Is one of your in-laws dominating your time by constantly calling or
coming by your house?
• Do your in-laws force their opinions on your spouse so that the
decisions you have made privately with your mate are undermined?
7 Keys to Having a Healthy
Relationship With In-Laws
1. Remember that your first loyalty MUST be
to your spouse ahead of your parents or
anyone else.
"Have you not read," he said, "that he who made them in the beginning made them male and
female, and said, For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife;
and the two shall become one flesh? So that they are no more two, but one flesh. What therefore
God hath joined together, let not man put asunder." Mark 10:9.
God's statement places the primary responsibility on the young couple to see that their love and
their commitments to each other are always above the commitment to their parents, no matter
how deep the family ties may have been. - The term "leave" father and mother, however, does not
mean a complete break or abandonment. Instead, Jesus in Mark 7:10-13 states plainly that children
are to honor their parents and, when necessary, even support them financially. The establishment
of a new home does not release them from this obligation. But the term does mean that the
intimate relations which have formerly existed between parents and children must and should
change when the children marry.
If you’re not putting your spouse first, or if you’re allowing your parents to talk
negatively about your spouse, then YOU need to take action or the marriage might
collapse.
2. Show Respect* even when it’s not
reciprocated. Refuse to get offended.
The Bible says there is great wisdom in choosing to overlook
an offense (Proverbs 19:11). Sometimes your in-laws might
say or do something that offends you, but you need to rise
above by responding with patience and respect. This does
NOT mean you need to be anyone’s doormat, because
sometimes clear boundaries need to be implemented. When
you show honor to “difficult” in-laws, you’re building bridges
of peace that will positively impact future generations. It’s not
easy, but it’s worth the effort!
3. Don’t show favoritism.
In most marriages, one sets of parents (in-laws) gets
more time and attention than the other. There are a lot
of factors that contribute to this, but you need to do
everything in your power to give equal time and
attention to both sets of relatives. Favoritism usually
leads to resentment while consistency leads to trust.
4. Intentionally stay connected to your in-laws
(not just your own parents)
Don’t fall into the routine of being the one who talks to
your parents but then handing the phone off to your
spouse every time your in-laws call. When your in-laws
call, make a point to answer the phone and have a
conversation before handing the phone to your spouse.
Find shared interests. Invest in your relationship. Show
them you value them by giving your time and attention.
Find simple ways to invest in your own relationships
with them.
5. Have clear boundaries.
A healthy marriage requires that your first and strongest
loyalty must always be to your spouse, so don’t allow any
other family relationship to come between you. Practically,
this means never call your parents when you’re having an
argument with your spouse. That will create an unhealthy
dynamic between your spouse and your parents. Also, don’t
allow anyone (relative or not) to talk negatively about your
spouse or do anything that undermines the sacredness of your
marriage.
6. Celebrate differences instead of thinking one
family’s way is the “right” way and the other
family’s ways are always “wrong.”

Your family’s traditions and ways are probably a lot

different than your spouses’s family, but both families
are equally important, so value those
differences. Celebrate the uniqueness of each
family and find a way to bring both perspectives into
your own family’s traditions.
 7. Love them! Pray for them
The Bible says that “Love covers over a multitude of sins.” In every
relationship, when we allow love to set the tone, it has a way of covering
over the differences and past hurts and binding us together in a beautiful
way. Let love lead the way in your family and everything else will probably
work itself out!
Whether or not your in-laws are believers, we are called to pray for our
family. But watch out that you don’t pray like the Pharisee in Luke 18:11
(“Thank God I’m not like that sinner!”). “If you find yourself only praying
that God would cure them of XYZ faults, you should also pray that God
would work in your heart to help you see them like He does,” said Carolyn
Erickson of Fairfax, Virginia. “Remember that you need grace too—and that
sometimes, you’re part of the problem!”