Tugas Kelas Mingguan Kedua Paska UTS

• Tuliskan permasalahan-permasalahan yang

pernah dan sedang terjadi dalam keluarga
Anda!
• Mengapa permasalahan tersebut muncul?
• Apa yang dilakukan untuk menyelesaikan
permasalahan tersebut? Efektif atau tidak?
Mengapa demikian?
 Sources of Conflict in Couples
• Top five issues generating conflict
(Arond & Pauker, 1987)
1. Money
2. Family
3. Communication style
4. Household tasks
5. Personal tastes
• Sources of conflict often changes as
time pass in a relationship
 Conflict is Inevitable
• Orang-orang memiliki perspektif dan
tujuan kehidupan yang beragam.
• Semakin intim sebuah hubungan,
semakin tinggi kemungkinan konflik
interpersonal terjadi
 Conflict is Inevitable
• Meskipun dalam perspektif statistik
konflik dianggap sebagai sesuatu yang
“normal”, konflik tidak boleh melebar
menjadi kekerasan fisik dan verbal
• Ada beragam pendekatan perspektif
untuk mengatasi ketidaksepakatan
 Tahukah Anda?
Conflict Issue Percentage of
couple having
problems

One person ends up feeling responsible for 80%

the problems
I go out my way to avoid conflict with my 78%
partner
We have different ideas about the best way 77%
to solve disagreement
Some of our differences never seem to get 77%
resolved
We sometimes have serious disputes over 76%
unimportant issues
 Tahukah Anda?
Relationship issues Percentage in
Agreement
Happy Unhappy
Couples Couples
1. When we discuss problem, my partner 78% 20%
understand my opinions and ideas
2. I can share feelings and ideas with 78% 25%
my partner during disagreement
3. We are able to resolve our 58% 12%
difference
4. We have similar ideas about how to 72% 28%
settle disagreement
“Happiness is not the absence
of conflict, but the ability to
cope with it.”
CONFLICT RESOLUTION

“You cannot stop the waves,

but you can learn to surf.”
- Dr. Jon Kabat-Zinn
 Pertemuan Kesembilan

Resolusi Konflik

Irwan Nuryana Kurniawan

Family Psychology
Psychology Department
Indonesian Islamic University
 The Hierarchy of Conflict
Tension Level Crises Pressure for decision
Highest Highest
Problem
solving
Decision making

Need for decision

Expression of feelings

Discussion of ideas

Lowest Exchange on daily events Lowest

Jika pasangan ini berada dalam sebuah situasi yang
menuntut sebuah keputusan, mereka perlu
memutuskannya sedini mungkin. Ketika pengambilan
keputusan dihindari, permasalahan-permasalahan
bermunculan. Ketika permasalahan diabaikan, krisis
berkembang
 Ways of Resolving Conflict
Destructive approach Constructive approach
• Partners bring up old • Partners focus on
issues current rather than
• Focus on people past issues,
rather than on issues • Share both positive
• Express only negative and negative feelings,
feelings • Provide information in
• Reveal selective an open manner,
information
 Ways of Resolving Conflict
Destructive approach Constructive approach
• Blame other persons • Accept mutual blame
• Emphasize differences— • Search for similarities—
all with the goal of facilitates change to
minimizing change. prevent stagnation.
• There is often a winner • Both partners win, and as
a result intimacy increases
and a loser, which
and trust grows in the
decreases intimacy and
relationship.
suspicion grows in the
relationship
“Anything that’s human is mentionable, and
anything that is mentionable can be more
manageable. When we can talk about our
feelings, they become less overwhelming, less
upsetting, and less scary. The people we trust
with that important talk can help us know that
we are not alone.”
— FRED ROGERS (1928–2003)
Six Basic Steps of Resolving Conflict
1. Clarifying the Issue
2. Finding out What Each Person Wants
3. Identifying Various Alternatives
4. Deciding How to Negotiate
5. Solidifying Agreements
6. Reviewing and Renegotiating
 1. Clarifying the Issue
• Konflik seringkali disebabkan oleh
misunderstanding dibandingkan perbedaan
aktual—bertengkar tentang sesuatu bukan
karena benar2 tidak setuju tetapi hanya karena
anggapan yang dikembangkan.
• Klarifikasi masalah membantu: perbedaan
aktual kadang-kadang teralihkan atau tertutupi
oleh permasalahan sepele.
 Clarifying the Issue
1. Both partners should spend some time
alone to think through what is bothering
them. During this time, they should ask
themselves questions that focus on the issue
and on their thoughts, feelings, and desires
about the issue: What situation(s) triggered
how I’m feeling? What was going on that
made me feel uncomfortable? How would I
like things to be different? What are some
things I want for myself?
 Clarifying the Issue
2. Both partners should try to understand fully
what the other partner is saying. Using good
listening skills, the listener should repeat back to
the speaker what is being “heard”—both its
content and its feeling—until the speaker is satisfied
that the listener has understood the message.
In addition, the listener can ask questions to
clarify or to elicit more information from the
speaker. By focusing questions directly on what
the speaker is sharing, the listener facilitates
identification of the conflict.
 Clarifying the Issue
3. Each partner is responsible for keeping the
discussion focused. This can be done by
agreeing to talk at another time about side issues
that may arise or by using reminders such as
“Let’s refocus” or “Now, where were we?” to
keep the discussion from drifting.
4. Each partner should sum up what the
other has said after each person has had
an opportunity to talk. Clearly identifying and
echoing the problem ensures that both partners
agree on what the issue is.
 2. Finding out what each person
wants
• After both people are clear about what the issue
is, the discussion should shift to identifying
what each person wants. Omitting this part of
the process often leads to unsatisfactory
negotiations and repetitive fights.
• This step is important because it helps
minimize hurtful exchanges between
frustrated couples; each partner has to identify
what he or she wants rather than recounting
“how bad things have been.”
 3. Identifying various alternative

• During this step, partners look at the

various options for achieving resolution.
This step often leads to new insights.
• Brainstorming ideas can be a fun and
creative process because both partners
are working together to find ways to
deal with an issue. Research indicates that
brainstorming increases people’s skill at
identifying useful alternatives.
 4. Deciding How to Negotiate
• After the various alternatives have been
identified, it’s time to try to work out some
agreements, or plans, for change. There are
several strategies couples can use to negotiate
differences. Each has advantages and
disadvantages.
 4. Deciding How to Negotiate
• Quid pro quo is a negotiating strategy by which parties
agree that “I’ll do this if you’ll do that.” Each feels that
he or she is doing more than the other. After
discussing the alternatives for dividing the tasks more
equally, they readily move into a quid pro quo bargain.
• This strategy is effective because it clarifies what each
person is going to do. The major disadvantage of this
strategy is that it can easily break down if one person
fails to keep her or his agreement. Another
disadvantage is the difficulty of finding relatively
equivalent divisions.
 4. Deciding How to Negotiate
• Quid pro quid is an agreement to do something
the other person asks you to do in exchange for
being able to do something you want to do.
• For example, Brent’s wife, Nancy, wants him to
accept more responsibility for taking care of the
children. He agrees to be fully responsible for
the children for two nights in exchange for a
night out with his friends.
 4. Deciding How to Negotiate
• This bargaining strategy works well especially when
one partner is asking the other to change because it
enables the partner who agrees to the change to
give himself or herself something he or she wants as
well.
• This helps avoid power struggles in which one
partner feels she or he has to change simply because
the other demands that things be different. The
disadvantage of this strategy is that many couples
have difficulty reaching any type of mutually
acceptable agreement.
 4. Deciding How to Negotiate
• Agreeing to disagree is a negotiating strategy that
chosen after exploring all the alternatives, a
mutually agreeable solution is not always possible.
• When the issue is not critical to the maintenance
of the relationship, agreeing to disagree leaves
open the possibility of finding a solution later.
When the differences are more basic, however
(for example one partner wants children and the
other does not), agreeing to disagree will only
work in the short run.
 5. Solidifying Agreement
• Partners may need to try several negotiation
strategies before reaching agreement. But
when an agreement is reached, it is important
that both people are clear about what has
been agreed to and that both do indeed agree.
• Partners must be careful to avoid bulldozing
the other into an agreement. Too often, in
their haste to “get things wrapped up,” people
make agreements they know they can’t stick
to.
 5. Solidifying Agreement
• Couples should take the time to fully explore what the
agreement means for each person before giving it the
final stamp of approval. They should be sensitive to
each other’s reservations. It’s a good idea to avoid
making agreements while either partner is upset.
Pressure tactics, such as implied threats, often win the
battle but lose the war.
• When both partners are in agreement, they should
make a contract by writing down everything they’ve
agreed to in simple, clear language. Couples should post
the agreement as a reminder of what each is to do.
They should also agree to review the situation within a
short period of time.
 6. Reviewing and Renegotiating
• Once an agreement has been negotiated, it is
easy to assume that the issue has been settled
once and for all. Unfortunately, this is rarely the
case.
• Carrying out an agreement often brings other
issues to light. It is not unusual to discover that
the agreement does not really resolve the
problem. A timely review ensures that bad
feelings about the agreement do not go on too
long.
 6. Reviewing and Renegotiating
• When agreements break down, partners distrust or
are disillusioned about each other’s genuine interest in
working together. Broken agreements should be
reviewed as soon as possible. Couples often discover
that one or the other simply “forgot” to do what was
agreed upon.
• It is important for people to remind themselves that
change is rarely smooth and that it is also rare for any
person to live up to any agreement completely. But if
both partners are invested in each other’s personal
well-being and want their relationship to grow, couples
can positively resolve just about any conflict.
CONFLICT RESOLUTION

“Peace cannot be kept by force.

It only can be achieved by
understanding.”
- Albert Einstein
 Home Assignment
• Bagaimana perspektif Islam tentang conflict?
• Bagaimana perspektif Islam tentang resolusi
konflik?
• Buatlah komparasi perspektif Islam dan
perspektif psikologi tentang konflik dan resolusi
konflik