Business Writing

 Look at the three

letters below. Let
us identify
characteristics of
good business
writing.
Dear Ms. Jenkyns,

I am looking for a placement within a hospital

environment from June to September of this year. I
am writing to you as I understand that Manchester
General Hospital may have appropriate vacancies
available. I have a strong interest in laboratory
procedures and clinical diagnostics which I
understand are predominantly carried out at this
hospital. As I live only 5 miles from your site, travel
and accommodation would not be a problem for
me.
 Try to find the name of the appropriate
person to write to if possible.
 The applicant states the job she is applying
for.
 She states when is available to strat and end
the placement.
 I first became interested in the hospital
environment after a school visit to your site. I
was taken on a tour around the laboratories
where the differing techniques used in testing
clinical samples for patients were
demonstrated. Since then, discussion with my
careers adviser has confirmed my decision to
aim for a career in this field.
 The applicant
explains why
she is
interested in
this kind of
work.
 Through my degree course, I have been
able to develop my interest in biochemistry,
whilst improving my laboratory skills along
with my numeracy skills. I have gained
some experience in HPLC and have good
computing skills, having used several
scientific databases.
I achieved 68% in my first year examinations
and am hoping to achieve a high 2:1 for my
course work this year. While at University, I
have also been able to utilise my skills in
working with people through a variety of
vacation jobs. My work at a busy insurance
office was valuable in teaching me the
importance of ascertaining customers’ needs
and providing clear and accurate information.
 The applicant summarizes her strengths and
how they might be an advantage to the
organization.
 Relates her skills to the job she is appling for
 I would be most grateful if you could
consider me for any suitable positions. I
will be available for interview at any time
and am at my home address in Cranford
from late May onwards. At all other times
I can be contacted at my college address.
Please find enclosed my CV where you will
find further information.
 The applicant mentions the dates when she
would be available for interview.
 She thanks the employer and mentions an
enclosed CV.
Dear Sir or Madam,
I am about to complete my English and American
Literature degree at the University of Kent, with a
prospective result of a 2:1.
 This applicant does not give the name of the
person he is applying to. This suggests a
lack of initiative. This person did not proof
read this letter.
As a literature student, I have a strong love
of books of all types and see work in a
bookshop as a career area which would be
a good starting point for a career in
publishing which is my eventual career aim.
 This applicant admits that bookselling is not
what he really wants to do.
 Repeats the word career three times in one
sentence.
I have good experience of retail, having
worked as a shelf stacker for Sainsburies. I
have studied modules in Shakespeare, War
Poets, Dickens and Creative Writing all of
which I feel give me valuable knowledge.
My interests include reading, playing
computer games and stamp collecting and I
am currently reading Robbie Williams'
thought-provoking autobiography.
 This applicant does not mention any
experience working in a team or serving
customers. Comes across as a passive loner.
I am writing speculatively in the hope that
you may consider me for any full-time
vacancies that may arise in your store. I'm
interested especialy in the retail side of a
bookstore: interacting with customers and
seeing where the modern tastes for
literature lay.
 There is a spelling
mistake in this
paragraph.
 I would be available to work from the
beginning of June of this year. I have
previous retail experience and believe that
this, combined with my knowledge of and
interest in books could be rewarding both
to your store and to myself.
 Too much repetition in this paragraph. The
applicant states again about his love of books
and his pervious retail experience.
Deer Sir or Madam

I have wanted to join .................. (space for him to insert the

company name) ........ to work as a ........
(another space for him to insert the job title) ........ from an
early age as you are a big prestigious employer that lots of
people want to work for and you offer high salaries. I also
would like to work in another country and you are a global
company.

Hoping to hear from you shorty.

Regards,

Frank
 The worst covering letter I ever saw was
from a graduate who had applied to over
80 jobs and was genuinely puzzled as to
why he hadn't been invited to a single
interview!
 The letter, of which he had made 100
identical copies, went something like this
one.
 Planning
your
message

Completing Writing
your your
message message
 Ensure your reasons for communicating are
clear and necessary.
 Analyze audience members so that you can
tailor your message to their needs, and then
gather the information that will inform, persuade,
or motivate them.
 Once you’ve planned your message, organize
your information and begin composing your first
draft. This is the stage when you commit your
thoughts to words, create sentences and
paragraphs, and select information to support
your main idea.
 After writing your first draft, review the content
and organization for overall style, structure, and
readability. Revise and rewrite until your
message comes across clearly and effectively;
then edit your message for details such as
grammar, punctuation, and format.
1)Letters
2)Memos
3)E-Mail
Messages
 Memos and e-mail are commonly used for the
routine communication within organizations.
Memos and emails are used to discuss
organizational issues and solutions. This mode
of communication offers quick reaction ever-
changing circumstances within private and
public sectors.
E-mails can be used for external communication in the following
circumstances:
(1) in response to e-mail messages that you receive
(2) when the purpose of your message is informal,
(3) when your audience accepts e-mail as appropriate
 Letters are generally used for external
communication.

 Most letters, memos, and e-mail messages are

relatively brief, generally less than two pages
(often less than a page for e-mail). Letters are
the most formal of the three. Memos are less
formal, and e-mail messages are the least
formal.
 It is important that your communication is audience-
centered. Since the very nature of business
communication is to help the recipient to do one or
more of the following:
 understand an issue

 collaborate with your company to accomplishing a

goal
 take action
 So every message you prepare must consider the
audience’s background, point of view, and needs.
 How do you project
this audience-
centered approach
in your writing?
 This approach can be projected in your
messages by writing in terms of your audience’s
wishes, interests, hopes, and preferences.
When you talk about the other person, you’re
talking about what most interests him or her.
Too many business messages have an “I” or
“we” attitude, which make the writer sound
selfish.
 The message loses the audience’s
interest by telling what the sender wants
and then expecting the audience to go
along with that desire. On the simplest
level, you can adopt the “you” attitude by
replacing terms that refer to yourself and
your company with terms that refer to your
audience. Look at the example below, use
you and yours instead of I, me, mine, we,
us, and ours:
Instead of this Use this

To help us process this order, So that your order can be filled

we must ask for another copy promptly, please send another
of the requisition. copy of the requisition.

We are pleased to announce Now you can take a plane from

our new flight schedule from Atlanta to New |York any hour
Atlanta to New York, which is on the hour.
any hour on the hour.

We offer the printer cartridges Select your printer catridge

in three colours: black, blue, from three colours: black, blue,
and green. and green.
 Emphasize the Positive in your
communication

 Another way of establishing a good relationship

with your audience is to emphasize the positive
side of your message. Look at the example
below,
Instead of this Use this

It is impossible to repair Your vacuum cleaner will

your vacuum cleaner be ready by Tuesday.
today.

We apologize for The renovations now

inconveniencing you under way will help us
during our remodeling. serve you better.
 In addition, when you have to off criticism don’t
hammer on the other person’s mistakes, focus
instead on what the person can do to improve
instead of the problems.
Instead of this Use this

The problem with this The performance of this

department is a failure department can be
to control costs. improved by tightening
cost controls.

You filled out the wrong So that your order can

order form. be processed, please
check your colour
preferences on the
enclosed card.
 Look at the letters
below; examine
how the writer
focusses on the
recipient.
Eppler Appliances,
7142 Conrad Avenue,
Lima,
OH 45801

September 9, 2004
Mr. Joseph Carpaccio
Carpaccio’s Ristoranti
847 Broadway
Lima, OH 45806

Dear Mr. Carpaccio:

Subject: Burned-out motor

 We have received your request for
reimbursement. Although your Crown Freezer is under
warranty for two more months, you can’t honestly
expect us to be liable for the cost of a new motor and of
your spoiled food when the problem clearly resulted
from your own negligence. These freezers were not
designed to operate at full capacity with the door ajar
for any length of time, let alone for three days over
Labor Day weekend in some of the hottest weather
we’ve had in a decade.
 Omits specific date of warranty expiration

 Emphasizes negative aspects and places blame on the

reader by using the pronoun “you” incorrectly
 Crown products were designed to endure
everyday use in a typical commercial kitchen. They are
constructed of top-quality materials, insulated with
non-CFC in-place polyurethane foam, and are
"performance rated" using environmentally safe
refrigerants. Your top-mounted freezer model includes
casters, heavyduty lift-off hinges, durable locking
stainless steel doors, and exterior dial thermometer
 Includes

irrelevant,
overly
technical
information
However, we would like to offer to pay for the
repairman’s service call, in the spirit of good customer
relations. I’m sorry, but that’s the best we can do for
you at this time.
Sincerely,

Kjiersten Lejunhud
 Failsto emphasize the
positive, undercutting
the offer being made
and ending on an
extremely negative
note
Eppler Appliances,
7142 Conrad Avenue,
Lima,
OH 45801

September 9, 2004

Mr. Joseph Carpaccio

Carpaccio’s Ristoranti
847 Broadway
Lima, OH 45806

Dear Mr. Carpaccio:

Subject: Burned-out freezer motor, Invoice #
3770 46 010122

Thank you for your letter about your freezer

repairs. Your Crown Freezer is under limited
warranty until November 15, and to help you
defray a portion of your unforeseen costs, we
would like to pay the standard $45 for the
service call. The check is enclosed.
 Providesenough
information to identify
the warranty, the
customer, etc.
 Includes
specific date the
warranty expires
 You received a copy of your warranty with your
freezer, and I’ve enclosed another copy for your
convenience. As you can see, Crown Freezers are
designed to endure everyday use in a typical
commercial kitchen. Their top-quality materials and
performance rating guarantee that they will perform
effectively and efficiently under normal operating
conditions, which must exclude running for extended
periods of time with the door open.
 Uses the "you"
attitude to explain
the warranty
without blaming
the Reader
 With only two months left on your limited
warranty, you might consider purchasing an extended
manufacturer’s warranty. The basic warranty covers
parts and labor for five years for only $75. Plus, you
can purchase additional business insurance for just
$135 more per year, which covers parts, labor, and
damages—regardless of the cause. The enclosed
brochure gives all the details, or visit our website at
www.eppler.com.
 Emphasizes the
positive, with helpful
information, and ends
on a friendly note
Sincerely,

Kjiersten Lejunhud
Customer Relations
Enclosures (3)
123 Winner's Road
New Employee Town, PA 12345
March 16, 2001
Ernie English
1234 Writing Lab Lane
Write City, IN 12345
Dear Mr. English:
The first paragraph of a typical business letter is used to
state the main point of the letter. Begin with a friendly
opening; then quickly transition into the purpose of your
letter. Use a couple of sentences to explain the purpose, but
do not go in to detail until the next paragraph.
Beginning with the second paragraph, state the supporting
details to justify your purpose. These may take the form of
background information, statistics or first-hand accounts. A
few short paragraphs within the body of the letter should be
enough to support your reasoning.
Finally, in the closing paragraph, briefly restate your
purpose and why it is important. If the purpose of your
letter is employment related, consider ending your
letter with your contact information. However, if the
purpose is informational, think about closing with
gratitude for the reader's time.
Sincerely,

Lucy Letter
(Tab to center, begin typing) 123 Winner's Road
New Employee Town, PA 12345
March 16, 2001
Ernie English
1234 Writing Lab Lane
Write City, IN 12345
Dear Mr. English:
The first paragraph of a typical business letter is used to
state the main point of the letter. Begin with a friendly
opening; then quickly transition into the purpose of your
letter. Use a couple of sentences to explain the purpose, but
do not go in to detail until the next paragraph.
Beginning with the second paragraph, state the supporting
details to justify your purpose. These may take the form of
background information, statistics or first-hand accounts. A
few short paragraphs within the body of the letter should be
enough to support your reasoning.
Finally, in the closing paragraph, briefly restate your
purpose and why it is important. If the purpose of your
letter is employment related, consider ending your
letter with your contact information. However, if the
purpose is informational, think about closing with
gratitude for the reader's time.
(Tab to center, begin typing) Sincerely,

(Tab to center, begin typing) Lucy Letter

 123 Winner's Road
New Employee Town, PA 12345
March 16, 2001
Ernie English
1234 Writing Lab Lane
Write City, IN 12345

Dear Mr. English:

 The first paragraph of a typical business letter is
used to state the main point of the letter. Begin with a
friendly opening; then quickly transition into the
purpose of your letter. Use a couple of sentences to
explain the purpose, but do not go in to detail until the
next paragraph.
Beginning with the second paragraph, state the
supporting details to justify your purpose. These may
take the form of background information, statistics or
first-hand accounts. A few short paragraphs within the
body of the letter should be enough to support your
reasoning.
 Finally, in the closing paragraph, briefly restate
your purpose and why it is important. If the purpose of
your letter is employment related, consider ending your
letter with your contact information. However, if the
purpose is informational, think about closing with
gratitude for the reader's time.

Sincerely,
Lucy Letter
 Memos
are less formal than letters.
 have no salutation
 discuss only one topic
 have no complimentary close or signature.
TO: Kelly Anderson, Marketing Executive

FROM: Jonathon Fitzgerald, Market Research

Assistant

DATE: June 14, 2007

SUBJECT: Fall Clothes Line Promotion

Market research and analysis show that the proposed
advertising media for the new fall lines need to be
reprioritized and changed. Findings from focus groups
and surveys have made it apparent that we need to
update our advertising efforts to align them with the
styles and trends of young adults today. No longer are
young adults interested in sitcoms as they watch
reality televisions shows. Also, it is has become
increasingly important to use the internet as a tool to
communicate with our target audience to show our
dominance in the clothing industry.
Internet Advertising
XYZ Company needs to focus advertising on internet
sites that appeal to young people. According to
surveys, 72% of our target market uses the internet for
five hours or more per week. The following list shows
in order of popularity the most frequented sites:
•Google
•Facebook
•Myspace
•Ebay
•iTunes
Shifting our efforts from our other media sources such
as radio and magazine to these popular internet sites
will more effectively promote our product sales. Young
adults are spending more and more time on the
internet downloading music, communicating and
researching for homework and less and less time
reading paper magazines and listening to the radio. As
the trend for cultural icons to go digital, so must our
marketing plans.
Television Advertising
It used to be common to advertise for our products on
shows like Friends and Seinfeld for our target audience, but
even the face of television is changing. Young adults are
tuning into reality television shows for their entertainment.
Results from the focus group show that our target
audience is most interested in shows like American
Idol,The Apprentice, and America's Next Top Model. The
only non-reality television show to be ranked in the top ten
most commonly watched shows by males and females 18-
25 is Desperate Housewives. At Blue Incorporated, we
need to focus our advertising budget on reality television
shows and reduce the amount of advertising spent on
other programs.
By refocusing our advertising efforts of our new line of
clothing we will be able to maximize the exposure of
our product to our target market and therefore
increase our sales. Tapping into the trends of young
adults will help us gain market share and sales through
effective advertising.

Attachments: Focus Group Results, January- May 2007;

Survey Findings, January - April 2007
Formal emails
Writing to someone when you do not know the name:
Opening
Dear Sir or Madam
Dear Sir/Madam

Closing
Yours faithfully (UK)
Sincerely (US)
Writing someone when you know the name:

Opening
Dear Mr. Thomas
Dear Dr. Thomas
Dear Ms. Smith (use for a married/unmarried woman)
Dear John Thomas

Closing
Regards
Yours sincerely (UK)
Sincerely (US)
Semi-Formal emails
Use semi-formal emails with people you do not
know very well.
Opening
Dear John
Dear Olivia

Closing
Thanks
Best regards
Yours
In this section, we will discuss claim/complaint
letters, adjustment letters, application letter, letter
of request. In this section, we will look at the
characteristics of these various types of letters.
 Nittany Software
State College PA

March 17, 2001

Mr. George Branfman,
3322 West College Ave.
State College PA 16801

Dear Mr. George Branfman:

I am writing to express my frustrations with a recent
experience I had at your store. One week ago, I
purchased Paws dog food for my pet at this location. I
was surprised at what happened when I got home
and used this bag of dog food.

Despite being on the shelf to be sold that day, this

dog food had long ago expired. To be exact, it had
expired six and a half months prior to the date it was
purchased. Since the bag had been on the shelf, I
had assumed the food was good and acceptable to
feed to my pet. I soon realized this was not the case.
After feeding my dog this food, she became violently
ill, vomiting for hours on end. I was forced to take her
to the vet, as she was dehydrated and required
medicine. Thousands of dollars later, I realized that
her sickness could most definitely be attributed to the
expired dog food I had unknowingly fed her.

I have been a loyal customer of Pet World’s since it

opened six years ago and have never experienced
any issues with your store. I am both bothered and
concerned by the fact that expired food was on the
shelves of the store, and I am now hesitant to trust
the quality of other products at your store. This issue
could have affected a number of other pets as well,
and I just hope that none of them became as ill as
mine did.
I hope to hear back from you about this
unfortunate incident. Please contact me as
soon as possible at (998) 867-0987 or via
email at jjay@email.com.

Sincerely,

John Jay
A claim/complaint letter must

 Present a clear explanation of the problem. You are

required to present all necessary information that
will enable quick identification of the defective
product or faulty service. In the case of a product,
details such as the exact date of purchase and arrival,
the amount paid, order number, colour, size, model
number, make, etc. are helpful in making a re-check
by the supplier easier.
 Present a clear explanation of the inconvenience
caused or the loss suffered as a result of the
problem.

 Make an appeal to the reader's sense of fair play,

honesty, reputation or professional pride with a view
to motivating him/her to take necessary action
promptly to rectify the situation.

 Create a tone that is a balance between courtesy and

assertiveness
 Nittany Software
State College PA

March 17, 2001

Mr. George Branfman,
3322 West College Ave.
State College PA 16801
Dear Mr. Branfman,
Thank you for your letter about our Get Organized® time
management software & CD, and your conclusion that it
did not live up to the promises implied in the sales material
for it. We certainly agree that our products should be
functional and effective, and that’s why we stand behind
them with our unique 48-hour warranty.

We note that your software package was purchased last

August, and is thus out of warranty. Moreover, a review of
our promotional material showed no statements therein
that the software would enable users to increase their GPA
while sleeping til noon and consuming an additional case
of beer each week.
While we’re unable to replace this package, we
believe Nittany Software can still be of help to you.
We have just introduced a new product, Sober In
Time for Graduation, which we feel fits your situation.
And I am enclosing a special $10 off certificate, good
on this or any other Nittany Software, as described in
or catalog.
Thanks again for being in touch with us. We at Nittany
Software strive constantly for the highest quality in our
products, and we appreciate your feedback.
Yours truly,
Gramm Spaniel,
President
 Since the customer is already upset, a
response to a claims/complaint letter must
be immediate; delay in replying will further
frustrate your customer.
 Acknowledge the claim/complaint letter and
thank the customer for taking the time to
discuss his/her problem with you.
 Apologize for the problems/inconvenience
the transaction caused the customer; do not
justify any aspect of the failed transaction.

 The tone of this letter must be polite and

positive tone. The customer must be assured
that he/she will not face any similar problem
in future.

 If a claim is unreasonable, the adjustment

letter should politely address/explain this
claim.
 The adjustment letter must clearly state/explain
the adjustment being offered.

 The adjustment letter must express the desire to

have a continued business relation with the
customer
2612 Alamagorda Drive
Albuquerque, NM 87107
February 12, 2015

Dr. Angela Johnson

Director
Albuquerque Parks and Recreation Department
1117 Main Street
Albuquerque, NM 87003
Dear Dr. Angela Johnson,
I am interested in finding work for the summer.
I have been told that the Parks and Recreation
Department will hire school-age boys and girls this
summer.
Please send me information about the kinds of jobs
that are open, the age limits, and the wages.
I have enclosed a self-addressed, stamped envelope.
Thank you very much.
Yours truly,
Brad Ratchford
 clearly stated purpose
 background

a clearly stated request

 courtesy
 State your request briefly, clearly, and courteously.
 Make certain that your letter contains all the
information necessary.
129 Old South Street
Natchitoches. LA 71457
February 10, 2015

Mr. Frank Jones

Marketing Manager
Stone Novelty Company
Box 2018
East Middlebury, VT 05740
Dear Mr. Frank Jones:
In the movie My Side of the Mountain, one of the
characters has a wooden dancing doll that taps its
feet when the player keeps time on a board. Our
country-western school band would like to purchase
two of these.
My music teacher says that your company calls them
Limberjacks and that they sell for $7.99 each. I am placing
an order for two of these dolls.
I have enclosed a money order for $17.90 to cover the cost
of the dancing dolls and the $2.00 for handling.
Yours truly,

Michael A Rowe
 Include all necessary information about the item you
wish to purchase: the quantity of each item in words
and in numbers in parentheses, the name of the
article, the model number if there is one, the size,
the colour, and the price. The more information you
provide, the more certain you can be that you will
receive the exact merchandise that you want.. If
required, give the weight of the item. Handling and
shipping costs are often determined by weight.
 Be sure to give the date and number of the
catalogue, if you are ordering from a catalogue.
 Specify how you intend to pay for the merchandise.
 Explain briefly if there is any reason that you must
have the merchandise delivered by a certain date.
Be sure to include that date in your letter.