Needs.

We’ve all got’em.

What happens when needs are not met?
“Jesus saw [bad behavior] as wrong
but also was able to see [it] as
springing from deep and unmet
needs on the part of the sinner…We
need to be able to look deeply enough
into the lives of others to see the basic
causes for their failures and
shortcomings.” –President Spencer W.
 Unmet Needs
• Although unmet needs do not excuse poor behavior,
they are often connected. Unmet needs can make it
more difficult to manage or control bad behavior.
• Learning to look beyond the bad behavior of others,
considering their deep needs, can help us be more
patient and less prone to anger.
• Can you think of any behaviors in marriage that may
be related to deep and unmet needs?
Here are just a few behaviors in marriage that are often
related to deep and unmet needs:

• Avoidance • Nit-picking
• Lack of emotional engagement • Yelling
• Over-functioning • Name calling
(micromanaging) • Badgering
• Under-functioning • Not giving enough space
• Nagging to partner
• Apathy about the relationship • Being disagreeable
• Lying • Passive-aggressive behavior
• Silent treatment • Clingy
 Bad Behavior in Marriage?
Bad Behavior Secondary emotions Primary emotions Core Needs
-Anger -Hurt -Security
-Anxiety -Fear -Acceptance
-Jealousy -Shame -Love
-Resentment -Unjust/unfair -Growth/progress
-Disappointment (unmet -Respect/fairness
expectation)
-Loneliness

Again, unmet needs DO NOT excuse poor behavior.

Do not confuse the arrows as implying causation. We
are always free to act for ourselves.
However, unmet needs do make it more difficult to
be our best selves. Understanding this can help us be
more forgiving.
 Typical Core Needs: Deeper issues
• Security
• Acceptance Behavior
• Autonomy Behavior

Secondary Emotions
• Respect/fairness
• Love/connection Primary
Emotions
• Growth/Progress Needs
•These
Competence
core needs are common to all people. However,
these core needs may manifest themselves in different
ways in different relationships.

Related to these CORE needs, we also have peripheral

needs.
Emotions (wooley, 2011)

Secondary Primary
• Deeper, more vulnerable emotions
• More reactive emotions
• Generally draw partners close together
• Tend to push people away
Common emotions:
• Generally “thoughtless” • Sadness
Common emotions: • Hurt
• Anger • Fear
• Anxiety • Shame
• Loneliness
• Jealousy
• Unfairness
• Resentment • Disappointment (unmet expectations)
needs. When we discuss needs in
marriage, we typically refer to “needs”
similar to those listed on the following
slide. These are not inherently male or
female needs, although they are listed
as such. However, they are more
commonly found with the respective
genders. Don’t be offended if they don’t
align with your own experience.
Here are some common peripheral needs:
 Peripheral Needs
Women’s Needs Men’s Needs
• Affection • Sexual Fulfillment
• Conversation • Recreational
• Honesty and OpennessCompanionship
• Financial Support • An attractive spouse
• Family Commitment • Domestic Support
• Admiration
Consider: How are these common
peripheral needs related to core needs?
Women’s Needs
• Affection
• Conversation
• Honesty and Openness
• Financial Support
• Family Commitment
1) Affection

• What deep core needs can be met through

affection?
• What unhealthy behaviors may be related to a
lack of affection?
• What are some things one might do that leads
their spouse to feel like an object?
• What are your favorite kinds of non-sexual
physical touch? Does your spouse know this?
Affection: Developing affectionate habits
• Several years ago, my wife made a comment to me that has changed
forever what happens when I come home for work. She stated: “Why
don’t you kiss me when you come home from work?!”
• I replied, “I don’t know. Do you want me to?”
• “Yes! That’s what husbands are supposed to do. They are supposed
to kiss their wives when they get home from work!”
• Since that day, I seek her out the moment I walk in the door and give
her a kiss. It’s not that I didn’t want to kiss her before, it just wasn’t a
habit of mine. For her, it’s what she grew up seeing her parents do.
Because it is important, we’ve made a greeting ritual out of it. We
will discuss rituals later in the course.
Affection
• “A wife’s need for an affectionate relationship is just as real and
legitimate as is a husband’s desire to engage sexually.” (Ogletree
and Brinley, Then Comes Marriage)
• An “affectionate relationship” is more than check-box, occasional
affection. Affection should not become the thing we “do” in
order to get sex
• Many men, and some women, have to learn to be intentionally
affectionate in non-sexual ways. Some partners have much of
their ‘physical touch’ need met sexually. However, others seek to
have that need met in non-sexual ways.
2) Conversation
• How does conversation enrich your marriage?
• What deep core needs can be met through
conversation?
• What unhealthy behaviors may be related to a lack of
conversation?
• Does your spouse understand the why behind your
need for conversation? What could you do to help
them understand the why?
2) Conversation
• “Communication is key to loving and feeling loved…Practice
attentive listening. It is one of the great gifts you can give
your spouse.” (Ogletree and Brinley, Then Comes Marriage)
• Listening is a gift of your time. In essence, it’s one of the
ways we can live a consecrated life in marriage.
• We need to be generous with the time and attention we
give to our spouse.
• In what ways could you be more generous in your
conversations with your spouse?
3) Honesty and Openness
• What deep core needs can be met through honesty and
openness?
• The authors from Then Comes Marriage quote one wife
and mother as she describes her husband:

“He always keeps his word. If he promises the kids

something, he never disappoints them.”

Why does this mean so much to mothers?

3) Honesty and Openness
• A wife or husband should never feel insecure about his or
her spouse’s relationships with members of the opposite
sex.
• Why are these things so important to spouses? To you
personally?
• In what other aspects of marriage is honesty and
openness particularly important?
• What unhealthy behaviors may be related to a lack of
honesty and openness?
4) Financial Support
• What deep core needs are related to financial support?
• What unhealthy behaviors may be related to a lack of
financial support?
• “By divine design, fathers are to preside over their
families in love and righteousness and are responsible to
provide the necessities of life and protection for their
families.” (The Family: A Proclamation to the World)
• If your learning habits predicted your earning potential,
would you be able to provide?
4) Financial Support
• “Women who want to have a family have the right to expect
their husbands to be financially supportive.” (Ogletree and
Brinley, Then Comes Marriage)
• It requires a lot of trust to depend financially upon another
person
• Too many men in our society are not ambitious enough or
persistent enough to adequately provide for their family.
• In addition, we’ve established a culture of living on more than
what we learn. We have to fight hard to establish the pattern of
living on less than we earn. We will discuss principles related to
money management later in the semester.
5) Family Commitment
• What does “family commitment” mean to you?
• What deep core needs are related to family
commitment?
• What unhealthy behaviors may be related to a lack of
family commitment?
5) Family Commitment
• Honoring the priesthood includes being a “family man.”
• More specifically, it means helping out around the house,
spending time with children, leading out in spiritual things.
• In addition, it includes coming up with some wholesome
family recreation. This can be hard work and parents
should work together to facilitate wholesome recreation.
• This next story from then BYU-Idaho President, Kim B.
Clark, also captures the idea behind family commitment:
Family Commitment = commitment to help at home
“I grew up in a home where my mother gave me a list of all the household
chores I needed to do. One day, not long after we were married, I told Sue
that if she would give me a list of chores I would do anything she wanted me
to do. I thought this was pretty generous, but she got upset with me! She
stamped her foot and said, “I am not giving you a list. This house is just as
much your responsibility as it is mine. If you see something needs to be
done, just do it.”
That was a new thought for me. I had to learn a whole new way of thinking
about the house. I had to take responsibility for seeing what needed to be
done and doing it without a list. I started from that day to try to do that. But
it was hard to change old habits and attitudes. I tried, and Sue had to learn
to be patient with me.”
– President Kim B. Clark (former president of BYU-Idaho)
Men’s Needs
•Sexual Fulfillment
•Recreational Companionship
•An attractive spouse
•Domestic Support
•Admiration
1) Sexual Fulfillment
• What deep core needs are related to sexual fulfillment in
marriage?
• How does society view sexuality? How do you view
sexuality?
• “The objective is to increase virtue, not carnality.” (A
Parent’s Guide)
• What might influence a person’s perceived “need” for
sexual fulfillment?
• What you believe about sexuality will in large measure
influence how you treat sexuality.
A tip from parenting…

“Attribute to [your spouse] the

best possible motive consistent
with the facts” (Alfie Kohn)
Elder Scot
• “There are times, brethren, when you need to
restrain those feelings. There are times when
you need to allow their full expression. Let the
Lord guide you in ways that will enrich your
marriage.”
• We will discuss intimacy in marriage later in the
course.
2) Recreational Companionship
• What deep core needs can be met through
recreational companionship?
• Why do partners “curtail their interests” after
marriage?
• Why is it fun to “play” with a boyfriend, but not a
husband?
• Husbands need a best friend in word and deed.
2) Recreational Companionship
• Balance is necessary and refinement is important.
• Refined entertainment has a great capacity to lift and
elevate marriage relationships
• A great talk on refined recreation is
Our Refined Heavenly Home by Elder Doug Callister.
• In addition to balance and refinement, couples must
learn to have fun together.
• Couples also need to protect their fun time from conflict
and distractions.
3) An atractive spouse
• What deep core needs are related to having an attractive spouse?
• “any man who is worth his salt will feel that the mother of his
children is more beautiful now than she was on her wedding day”
• If lust is not rooted out of hearts, many will struggle with this.
• “We should work to improve our physical appearance…The Lord
expects us to do the best with what he has given us.” –Elder Joe
Christensen
• Our bodies are temples and should be treated accordingly
• People who feel entitled to “let themselves go” may not
understand this doctrine
Atraction is more than physical
• There are a variety of factors that influence physical
attraction, one’s actual physical appearance is just one of
those factors.
• What else influences physical attraction?
• Spiritual maturity, emotional maturity, selflessness, kindness,
intelligence, hard work, etc.
• We should all strive to continually approve our attractiveness
in marriage.
4) Domestic Support
• What do you describe as “domestic support”?
• What deep core needs are related to domestic support in
marriage?
• Wives have a primary responsibility to maintain a home which is
conducive to the gospel culture. However, men need to help out
around the house and serve in the home as “equal partners” with
their spouse.
• Experiences in our family of origin can impact how we feel about
domestic support.
• How have your experiences in your family of origin influence
your perspectives or behaviors concerning domestic support?
More than just a male need…
“Home is where women have the most power and
influence; therefore, Latter-day Saint women should
be the best homemakers in the world…the education
women attain will avail them nothing if they do not
have the skill to make a home that creates a climate
for spiritual growth. Growth happens best in a ‘house
of order,’ and women should pattern their homes after
the Lord’s house” – Sister Julie Beck
5) Admiration
• Who doesn’t need to be admired?
• What deep core needs can be met through admiration?
• Men may not ask to be admired, but it is needed.
• Just like women, men need compliments
• “Make sure your arrows of praise and admiration hit the
target he needs.”
• Express admiration in ways that will bless your partner,
not just what you feel like in the moment.
• When is the last time you told your spouse why you love
them?
 So what do you do if your
spouse won’t (or can’t) meet
your needs?
• Let’s be honest. Is it even possible for your spouse to perfectly meet your
needs? Of course not.
• Furthermore, sometimes we come into a marital relationship with “unmet
need baggage.” Meaning, certain important needs were not met in previous
relationships, particularly as children.
• Unfortunately, sometimes we expect (subconsciously) our partner to not
only meet our needs as a spouse, but also to make up for needs that were
unmet as children.
• We need to be realistic in our expectations and learn how to effectively
help our spouse help us. A great resource for his is the book “The New
Rules of Marriage” by Terrence Real (there are a small number of language issues in this book)
 Needs unmet?
• Whenever you place too much trust in other mortals meeting
your needs, you are bound to experience difficulty and bad
behavior becomes nearly impossible to manage.
• When we place our value in what other mortals think of us, our
reflected sense of self increases and our solid self decreases.
Reflected sense of self = harder to manage bad behavior
• Although our partner can help meet our needs, it is our
responsibility to seek to have our core needs met through our
relationship with God.
 Seeking to Have Our Needs Met
Through Our Relationship with
God
• Security: We need to develop the belief and understanding that God will never leave us. Ever.
• Acceptance: God will always accept us as His children. However, we can strengthen our feelings of
acceptance by living in a way that God can not only accept who we are, but what we do.
• Love/connection: We need to spend time with Him, studying His teachings. Deep and meaningful
prayer is crucial. Pondering can take your connection with God to a new level.
• Growth/progress: When we progress in our discipleship and in our relationship with God, this need is
met.
• Respect/fairness: We need to develop the belief, through having a correct doctrinal understanding,
that everything God does is fair-from His perspective. From our fallen, mortal perspective it might not
always seem to be fair. But God is the great compensator and deliverer of eternal fairness. All things
will be made right in time.
• Competence: Do we feel that God can trust us to be His instrument? To stand as His witness at all
times and in all places we might be in?
• Autonomy: Do we act for ourselves as agents? Or are we allowing ourselves to be acted upon by the
world, our emotions, or our circumstances? Are we using our agency wisely? Are we being blessed
with “commandments not a few”? (D&C 59:4)