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LOVE: THE OPENING CHAPTER
r If this were a book, this would be the opening chapter.
r Maybe you·re looking to get married, or are newly
married and still figuring each other out, or you have
been married a while, and are bored, looking for ways
to invigorate your married life.
r We hope you will find something beneficial in this
compilation of thoughts and ideas.
r Being Muslim and in common with people of faith we
believe that sex and anything that leads to it, is an act
reserved for marriage


A LITTLE HISTORY
r In the 19th century in Europe, the modern concept of
love was born
r Before that you may (or may not) be surprised to
learn that marriages in both the West and East were
primarily arranged
r Even today 25-80% of marriages in South Asia, Mid-
east and other places are still arranged
r We are not talking about forced marriages which is a
much smaller percentage
r As pre-marital sex is a major sin in Islam and other
faiths, the concept of love traditionally started after
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marriage
TODAY
r Arranged marriages are seen as backward
r They are interpreted as being forced

r That there is no choice

r Today in the West people select their spouses through

what we could call the free market.
r Theoretically, when people are free to choose their
life-partners, this should result in long term happy
marriages
r It is common practice in the West, with lowering
moral standards that people engage is sex before
marriage, and live together, before the commitment of 
marriage.
SO IT IS A PARADOX
That even though there is so much freedom
And opportunity for men and women to get to know
each other
Reality is people who have sex before marriage and/or
live together are more likely to get divorced by a large
margin
With no-fault divorce, there are no societal pressures to
stay married, if there are problems
So what is love?

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LOVE CAVEAT
r Although the following slides share some insights
about love:
r There is no single definition of love

r You know it when you·re in love is not a true adage, as

many times infatuation or lust are confused with ´real
loveµ
r Without laboring the point here are some details on
love.

‰
LOVE STYLES
r Passionate Love (Eros) :Love at first sight
r Friendship Love:Very close friendship
becomes love
r Selfless Love: Putting one·s lover above
one·s self
r Logical Love: Cognitive appreciation for
other·s quality
r Possessive Love: Feeling of ownership
over lover ·
åINDS OF LOVE
r Attraction love: (receives) An infatuation for people
and things
r Physical love (eros): (takes) Physical craving for food,
sex, and comfort
r Brotherly love: (gives and takes): recipricol love
between friends
r Godly love: (gives) unconditionally meets the needs
of others.

u
MODELS OF LOVE
r Three aspects of love (Sternberg, 1986):
r Intimacy: Closeness two people feel psychologically,
how well partners understand each other.
r Passion: The amount of physical/sexual attraction and
romance.
r Commitment: The cognitive factors such as the
decision to maintain the relationship.

ë
 Triarchic Model of Love
A MODEL OF LOVE

Intimacy = Liking

I + P = Romantic Love I + C = Companionate

Love

Consummate
Love
Passion = Infatuation Commitment =
Empty Love
P + C = Fatuous
Love
SEX, LOVE OR INFATUATION
r Love at first sight is a myth
r Infatuation or lust starts fast

r love starts slowly

r It is about the whole person

r The following comparison is a good reference

LOVE VS LUST
r Love is r Lust
1. Patient r Can·t wait, its impulsive
2. åind r Is critical, wants own way
3. Does not envy r Seeks more than it earns
4. Does not boast r Builds up self no matter
5. Not proud who it hurts
6. Not rude r Easily threatened
7. Not self seeking r Disrespectful
8. Not easily angered r Demanding
9. Forgives others r Moody and lashes out
10. Hates evil r Vengence
r Do anything to get its way;
it rationalizes

LOVE VS LUST
r Love is r Lust
1. Rejoices in truth r Encourages lies and tries to
2. Always protects hide sins
3. Always trusts r Doesn·t care who it hurts,
wants own way
4. Always hopes
r Is jealous and suspicious
5. Always perseveres
r Says you blow it you·re out
6. Never fails
r Backs out when times are
7. Is unending tough
8. Is enduring r Stops when self isn·t served
9. Is faithful r Lasts just a moment then
10. Is commitment flickers away
r Is insecure
r Will cheat on you
r Is not trustworthy è
READY FOR MARRIAGE
r When you can love with
a self-sacrificing type of
love
r When you can make a
total commitment
r When you can handle
responsibility
r When you both have
common desires


MARRY FOR THE RIGHT REASONS:
DON·T MARRY JUST FOR SEX

rAverage couple 3 times a week at 8

mins per session
rThat·s 24 mins. What are you going
to do with the rest of the 167.5
hours?

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DEEPER THOUGHTS ON LOVE
r Love remains indefinable by thought
r A person recognizes it when it abides in them and
when it is their attribute
r When the words ´To love someoneµ are spoken ,
between self as lover and other as beloved, there exists
a connection which is loving.
r Longing also implies relationship between self who
longs and the longed for. Self achieves full closeness
with the other
r The dual nature of everything, eg every phenomenon
in existence has visibility and invisibility
‰
r
LOVE AND GOD
r To love God and follow the Prophet (SAW) means to
love people as the potential of realizing their original
nature, the Creator·s love of making Himself manifest
in His creation. Being close is shared human potential,
that is reason for stressing debt towards oprphan and
the stranger, and commandment that evil be met with
good.
r The greatest human potential is voluntary realization
through being the Praiser

·
SO WHAT IS ISLAMIC VIEW OF SEX
There is only one acceptable form
of sex in God·s eyes: physical
intimacy between a man and a
woman within the God-given
safety and security of the
covenant of a marital
relationship.

Remember: Adultery,
homosexuality, are sins in Islam
WHAT MAåES MARRIAGE LAST
r Trust
r Mutual respect and appreciation
r Companionship. You both like doing the same things ;
you·re each others best friend
r Commitment. You·re both committed to your marriage
and the institution of marriage
r Communication. You·ve learned to speak each others
language and to listen
r Agreement. At least 75% of the time you agree on
important issues
r Conflict management. You know how to fight fair and
resolve your differences
r Faith and Spirituality. Shared faith and spirituality become ë
the glue that holds the marriage together
Relationship between husband and wife in Islam

r They are like garments for each other

r Mutual respect

r Comforting for each other

r Protecting each other

r Beauty of each other

r Trusting each other

r Satisfying each other

r Compromise

r Intimate relationship is sacred. Not for display


THERE ARE MANY, MANY STEPS TO DETERMINE IF
YOU ARE COMPATIBLE FOR MARRIAGE

r Unfortunately it requires r Let·s FAST FoRWARD

whole books and and assume you are
presentations to cover married, because all the
that. major religions including
Islam, encourage it as
the only lawful way that
a man and woman may
become intimate.


IMPORTANT LESSONS! LOVE STARTS WITH
SHOWING AFFECTION

r ´From a woman·s point of view, affection is the essential

cement of her relationship with a man. Without it, a
woman probably feels alienated from her mate.µ
WHAT AFFECTION MEANS!

r I·ll take care of you.

r You are important to me,

r I don·t want anything to happen to you.

r I·m concerned about the problems you face, & I·m with
You.
r I think u·ve done a good job, & am proud of you.
 AFFECTION NOT SEX!
r Men have a tendency of confusing affection with sex.
r ´He sees showing affection as part of sexual foreplay,
and he is normally aroused in a flash.µ
r Affection should be a lifestyle not what u do to get
sex.
 HARLEY·S FIRST LAW

r When it comes to sex and affection, you can·t have one

´

without the other.µ

r Affection is the environment of the marriage while sex is
an event.
r Affection is a way of life, a canopy that covers and
protects a marriage.
 AFFECTION

r åiss.
r Special Notes & notes in return.

r Flowers.

r Lunched together.

r Smiles, Lunch picnic in isolation

r Hand Squeeze

r Sex = Celebration of love?

 SåILLS TO LEARN!
r Hugging!
r Back Rubs.

r Holding Hands. Flowers.

r Phone Calls, Notes.

r Conversations.

r Special date/ Meal.

r Remember Special Days.

r Tell her: ´I Love You!µ

LEARN FEW NEW HABITS.

r Hug & kiss every morning while still in bed.

r Tell her that you love her while having breakfast
together.
r åiss her before you go to work.
r Call her during the day
r Surprise flowers.
r Gifts for special occasion.
 CONT«

r After work, call her before you leave for home..

r When get home, hug, kiss and talk to her about her day.
r Help with the dishes after dinner.
r Hug & kiss every night, before you both go to sleep.
 TRUTH TO REMEMBER.

r ´In most cases, a woman needs to feel a oneness with her

husband before she has sex with him.µ
r A couple achieves this feeling through the exchange of
affection and undivided attention.
HOW TO ACHIEVE SEXUAL COMPATIBILITY.

r 1. Overcome your sexual ignorance. A husband and wife

must each understand their own sexuality and their own
sexual responses.
r 2. Communicate your sexual understanding to each
other. Learn to share what they have learned about their
own sexual responses, so that they can each achieve
sexual pleasure and fulfillment together.
WAYS TO SHOW LOVE
r
1. Make sure your kisses last at least six seconds. Every now
and then go for a full minute.
2. Feed each other grapes.
3. Stick a love note in a lunch box, purse or pocket.
4. Send funny and/or romantic cards by snail mail or e-
mail.
5. Learn how to give a great foot massage.
6. Wash each other·s hair. Watch the movie Out of Africa
for pointers.
7. Set your alarm for five minutes earlier than usual to
cuddle.
8. Smile at each other.
9. Get silly with each other and laugh out loud together.
10. Grab your partner for a spontaneous dance when a
favorite song comes on the radio or stereo.
è
WAYS TO SHOW LOVE
r
11. Make eye contact when you talk.
12. Hold hands.
13. Leave a wonderful voice mail message on their
phone.
14. Text a love note.
15. Send a love e-mail every day.
16. Leave little love notes in unexpected places.
17. Send a funny photo on your phone.
18. Ask about each others· days.
19. Listen with 100% attention.
20. Give a one-minute shoulder massage. èè
WAYS TO SHOW LOVE
r

21. Do something unexpected for your spouse.

22. Snuggle on the couch.
23. Touch each other with affection.
24. Notice and comment about something your
spouse does that you like.
25. Say thank you.
r 26. Say you·re welcome.
27. Be interested in what your spouse is doing.
28. Tell a joke.
29. Leave a flower.
30. Offer to help. è
WAYS TO SHOW LOVE
r
31. Write a poem.
32. Read a poem to your spouse.
33. Cook a romantic dinner.
34. Offer to cook dinner if you aren·t the one who usually
cooks.
35. Burn a CD with favorite songs, or love songs.
36. Post photos on the refrigerator or bathroom mirror that
remind you of wonderful times you·ve shared.
37. Bring home great take out for just the two of you.
38. Say ´I love youµ in a different way every day.
39. Slow dance to a love song.
40. Write a love note on the bathroom mirror. PG rated if
you have kids!

èG
WAYS TO SHOW LOVE
r
41. Offer to take the kids out of the house for awhile and give the
other parent some alone time.
42. Dip a strawberry into whipped cream and feed to your partner.
43. At night, step outside together for five minutes and look at
the stars.
44. Sing to each other.
45. Make a care package with his/her favorite snacks and leave it
in the car.
46. Establish a weekly ritual that you faithfully observe. For
example, watching a favorite television program, taking a walk
after dinner, putting candles on the table.
47. Give your spouse a little token to wear as a reminder of your
love. (Try for creative rather than expensive.)
48. åiss your spouse on the back of the neck.
49. Flirt with each other.
50. Watch a sunrise or sunset together.
è‰
FOR MORE DETAILS
r Please go to

r http://islamsexlove.wordpress.com/