God s Design For Your Marriage

Unconditional Respect!
May 29 , 2011
Pastor John Isaacs Kingsway Community Church

God s design for marriage:

One man joined to one woman in a

covenantal bond
for a lifetime.

Husbands Role
Inescapable Headship Be Loving Be Nourishing Be Cherishing Be Understanding Be Honoring

Wife s Role
Voluntary Submission Be Respectful Be Affectionate Be Wise and Virtuous Keep a Good House Be Pleasant

Ephesians 5:31-33
31 As the Scriptures say, A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one. 32 This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one. 33 So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must

respect her husband.

Love & Respect

By Dr. Emerson Eggerichs

The love she most desires, the respect he desperately needs.

A wife has a driving need - to be loved. When that need is met, she is more fulfilled. A husband has a driving need - to be respected. When that need is met, he is more happy.

The Crazy Cycle

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

The Crazy Cycle

Without Love

He Reacts She Reacts

Without Respect

The Crazy Cycle

When a wife reacts to her husband, he interprets it as disrespect and contempt. When a man withdraws from his wife, she interprets it as unloving.

The Crazy Cycle

Men hear criticism as contempt and disgust and feel disrespected. Women feel silence as disapproval and abandonment and feel unloved.

The Crazy Cycle

When a woman is criticizing her husband, her BPM remains steady but his escalates substantially. When a man withdraws and walks away, his BPM begins to decline but hers will escalate substantially.

The Energizing Cycle Motivates

His Love

Motivates

Her Respect

Appreciate her need

1. to feel close and connected. 2. to have open communication. 3. to be heard and understand. 4. to be a peacemaker. 5. to know you are committed. 6. to be cherished and adored.

1. Appreciate his need to work and achieve.

Tell him verbally or in writing that you value his work efforts. Express your faith in him related to his chosen field. Listen to his work stories as closely as you expect him to listen to your accounts of what happens in your relationships.

1. Appreciate his need to work and achieve.

See yourself as his helpmate and counterpart and talk with him about this whenever possible. Allow him to dream about the future. Don t criticize his work and never seem apologetic about his profession.

2. Appreciate his need to protect and provide.

Verbalize your admiration of him for protecting you and being willing to die for you. Praise his commitment to provide for and protect you and the family (he needs to know you don t take this for granted).

2. Appreciate his need to protect and provide.

Never put down how much he makes. Respectfully voice concerns about finances and try to offer solutions on where you might be able to cut spending. Never speak publicly about his failures or irresponsible actions.

3. Appreciate his need to serve and to lead.

Tell him you are thankful for his strength and enjoy being able to lean on him at times. Praise his wisdom and good decisions. Be gracious if he makes a bad decision. Disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

3. Appreciate his need to serve and to lead.

Give your reasons for disagreeing quietly and reasonably, but don t ever attack his ability to provide leadership. Do not demand that he agree with your perspective as a sign of his love for you. Do not accuse him of not listening simply because he disagrees with you.

4. Appreciate his need to analyze and counsel.

Tell him upfront you just need his ear; don t complain to him later that he always tries to fix you. Thank him for his advice without acting insulted or like he doesn t care about your feelings. Recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

4. Appreciate his need to analyze and counsel.

Share with him your vulnerabilities and value his protection. Counsel him respectfully when you differ with his ideas (you can be right but wrong at the top of your voice). Admit that you can be wrong and thank him for his perception and godly counsel.

5. Appreciate his need for shoulder-to-shoulder friendship.

Tell him you like him and show it (he knows you love him, but he might often wonder if you really like him). Respond to his invitation to engage in recreational activities together or at least come along to watch him.

5. Appreciate his need for shoulder-to-shoulder friendship.

Enable him to open up and talk to you as you do things shoulder to shoulder. Encourage him to spend time alone, which energizes him to reconnect with you later.

5. Appreciate his need for shoulder-to-shoulder friendship.

Don t denounce his shoulder-to-shoulder activities with his male friends to get him to spend more face-to-face time with you. Respect his friendships, and he will be more likely to want you to join him shoulder to shoulder at other times.

6. Appreciate his need for physical intimacy.

Respond to him sexually more often and initiate sex periodically. Allow him to acknowledge sexual temptation without you fearing he ll be unfaithful and without shaming him.

6. Appreciate his need for physical intimacy.

Understand his need for sexual intimacy is the primary way he feels close, just as you need emotional intimacy to feel connected. Don t withhold sex as a manipulative weapon to get what you want.

Appreciate his need

1. to work and achieve. 2. to protect and provide. 3. to serve and lead. 4. to analyze and counsel. 5. to have shoulder-to-shoulder friendship. 6. to have physical intimacy.

God s Design
Unconditional Respect

God s Design
Showing Nurture By Being Respectful

God s Design
Loving Him By Admiring Him

His Love Blesses Her, Regardless of Her Respect. Her Respect Blesses Him, Regardless of His Love.

The Rewarded Cycle Regardless of

His Love

Regardless of

Her Respect