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ASSERTIVENESS
It is the ability to clearly communicate ones opinions, needs , wants, interests, feelings, etc. to another in a non-defensive and nonnonnon-threatening way.
CHARACTERISTICS OF :
1 SUBMISSIVE people
find themselves taken advantage of, exploited and in some situations scapegoated.
These people usually tend not to respect themselves and are sometimes cruelly referred to as doormats. Tend to avoid conflict and responsibility Seek out others who can protect them but whom they nevertheless control Payoffs are able to manipulate and control others through a style which s often praised for its selflessness.
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CHARACTERISTICS OF :
2 FLIGHT people
avoid or run away from conflict situations
Is probably the worst response because it implies a total abrogation or denial of responsibility and control over a situation. Payoff : none They have relative peace and quiet but they have difficulty asserting their rights or gaining any meaningful objectives for themselves. 4
CHARACTERISTICS OF :
3 FIGHT or
Aggressive people
tend not respect the rights of others and, consequently, they often invoke in other people feelings of fear, helplessness and anger.
Are often counter-attacked or lose control of a situation and are often left with a sense of guilt. Payoff : They are often able to achieve their objectives and control those around them.
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CHARACTERISTICS OF :
4 Assertive people
tend to respect themselves and their own rights
They have better balanced relationships with fewer bad feelings. Tend to be less anxious and have a sense of control without needing to control others.
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Assertiveness Skills
The four-part Assertive Conversion
1. I feel 2. Heres why 3. Heres what I think is fair 4. When you do this it will/Ill ( Use as needed) If you choose not to do this
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Feedback Must Be Carefully Handled Because You Are Taking Someone From.
Unconsciously Incompetent
Consciously Incompetent .
Consciously Competent
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Assertiveness Skills
The Four Basic Styles of Interpersonal Relationships
1. Passive :
Chooses to be the victim Says, Youre OK, Im not so hot.
3. Assertive :
There are no victims. Says, Im OK. Youre OK too.
2. Aggressive :
Creates victims. Says, Im OK. Youre not so hot.
4. Passive /Aggressive :
Chooses to be the victim and creates victims Says, Im not so hot and neither are you!
Active
Violence
Aggressive
Aggressive
Passive
Withdraw
Abusive
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The Power of a Positive Two-Letter Word Two Listen to the request. Ask questions to get details. Stop. Pause. Think.
(Stay silent for 5-10 seconds. The person will explain more as he/she talks to fill the silence.)
Decide immediately.
Ask yourself : Do I feel stressed? Do I feel challenged?
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No to PEER
( from Prioritize, Organize )
_________, theres nothing Id like better than to do what you propose, but you know my rule. Never do anything unless I can do it well. And I cant do that now because there are too many other things on my schedule that must be done first
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You have assigned my team five tasks. In the time youve given us, we can complete three of these tasks. Which three are your priorities?
No to SUPERVISOR
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1. Your Natural No This is your own idiosyncratic version. 2. Reflective Listening, Then No Reflect back the content and feeling of the request and then say no.
Different Ways of
3. The Reasoned No Say no and give a succinct reason for it. 4. The Rainy Check No Say no this time, but suggest that the other person asks again. 16
Different Ways of 5. The Broken Record For use with very aggressive or manipulative people (e.g. sales people). Simply use a onesentence refusal and repeat it no matter what the other says.
( Adapted from Bolton, 1987, 196-9) 6. The Flat No Rarely used by assertive persons but simply saying no is appropriate at times.
Here the message was given in a way that was helpful. It was not evaluative or judgmental. Neither was it vacuous praise which is equally dangerous for good communication. Instead it was descriptive and concrete. When giving praise these are two essential prerequisites. This technique is useful with particularly sensitive people.
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Good communication and assertiveness skills are the essential building blocks for the conflict manager. Without these there is little hope that conflict will be handled appropriately. They are worth, therefore, careful consideration and practice.
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Assertiveness Skills
Body Language
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Passive Shoulders bent forward Often jeans on objects or walls. Slumps while sitting in chairs
Aggressive Appears rigid. Hands placed on hips. Moves quickly from place to place. Walks ahead of others Ready to lurch forward at any moment.
Body Language
Physical Appearance:
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Passive Blank Eyes are looking down. Pouting. Inappropriate use of smiles.
Aggressive Lowers eyebrows. Rolls eyes upward to show displeasure. Mouth is turned down at corners. Turns head quickly for emphasis.
Body Language
Facial Expressions
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Passive
Constantly handling objects like coins, pens, paper clips, etc. Often chews on pens and pencils. Hands are at or over the mouth Nodding of head in agreement.
Aggressive
When hands are used for emphasis, fingers are slightly apart . Arms and hands invite closeness. Index finger is directed to oneself.
Body Language
Gestures
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Passive
Does not make eye contact with other people. Looks to see how others are responding while someone is speaking to him. Excessive blinking.
Aggressive Stares. Moves quickly. Looks at clock or watch all the time.
Body Language
Eye Contacts
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Passive
Aggressive
Body Language
Clear. Appropriate volume for the setting. Good modulation for emphasis
Tone of Voice
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Passive?
Aggressive?
Here are some interesting statistics about what we communicate face to face
words facial expression and body language
7% 37%
tone of voice
56%
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Knowing this should remind us that the real message is not in words but n our tone of voice and body language. And that our assertive messages are first communicated without ever saying a word.
words
7%
56% 37%
facial expression and body language tone of voice
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Another important nonverbal message we send is through our appearance. What we are wearing, our makeup or lack of it, jewelry and a hundred other cues send strong messages about who we are and what the receiver can expect on us.
words
7%
56% 37%
facial expression and body language tone of voice
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MetaQualities
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The WINNER is always part of the answer, The LOSER is always part of the problem. The WINNER always has a programme, The LOSER always has an excuse. The WINNER sees an answer for every problem, The LOSER sees a problem in every answer. The Winner sees green pasture near every sandbag, The LOSER sees two or three sandbags near every green. The WINNER says: It may be difficult but it s possible , The LOSER says: It may be possible but it s too difficult .
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