High conflict Spouses and Tense Situations

Dr. Menan Abd-El-Maksoud Rabie

MBBch, Msc, MD, Arab Board

Psychiatry Consultant Lecturer of Psychiatry, Ain Shams University Associate member of International Federation of Psychiatric Epidemiology (IFPE)

Is Marriage in Danger?
Some studies on marriage and divorce in the United States show that about 50% people marrying for the first time end up divorced while many who stayed married are trapped in unhappy marriages. So what goes wrong in these marriages? Frequent arguments are definitely a contributing factor. Still, these disagreements are perfectly normal. Its how one addresses and manages the conflicts that will determine the success of ones marriage.

When Spouses Say "We Have A Problem !!!"

When Spouses Say "We Have A Problem !!!"

What is marital conflict ? What is marital conflict? She wants one thing. He wants another. One activity is important to him. She detests that one. Two people who were deeply in love are finding themselves in opposition to almost everything in life. What has happened to bring about marital conflict like this ? One writer has stated that marital conflict stems out of unmet needs, wants, and desires. When one person needs or wants something badly enough, and the other person is unwilling or unable to meet that need, resentment grows. Then, if one were to add the power of an unruly tongue, the situation becomes ripe for open conflict .

When Spouses Say "We Have A Problem !!!"

Marital conflict the existence of high levels of disagreement, stressful and hostile interactions between spouses, disrespect, and verbal abuse. (Buehler et al, 1998) Any major or minor interpersonal interaction that involves a difference of opinion, whather it is mostly negative or even mostly positive. (Cummings, 1998) Marital aggression is on the negative extreme of a continuum of marital conflict which includes varying degrees of violent behaviors, including both verbal and physical acts.

In any group of people there are different agendas, And different agendas mean conflict. Now comes the important part. A group is any number more than one! So a marriage is a group. That means two different agendas. And that means conflict.

What is causing the quarrels and fights among spouses?

What is causing the quarrels and fights among spouses?

Marital conflicts happen when one or both persons are self- centered. One selfishly wants what he wants without consideration for the capabilities, plans, or goals of his spouse . When a self-centered persons wants are not meet, they become demands. When those demands are not met he begins to judge. His spouse is no good. Then he punishes; by silence, by withdrawal, or by open expressions of anger and rage. But he punishes, nevertheless . Isn't it the whole army of evil desires at war within you? You want what you don't have, so you scheme and kill to get it. You are jealous for what others have, and you can't possess it, so you fight and quarrel to take it away from them. Rather, a person should bring his legitimate needs before God and ask for wisdom and patience in learning how to manage and deal with the problem. It is never wise to let ones own wants become so overpowering and demanding that those wants turn into a virtual idol. An idol demands sacrifice. The marriage will suffer

Top 5 Reasons for Marital Conflicts

The following is a list of the top five reasons for marital conflict: a failure of communication financial difficulties sexual difficulties problems with in-laws disagreements over child rearing

What is causing the quarrels and fights among spouses?

All conflicts are the result of unrealistic, uncommunicated or unmet expectations, explains Aaron Stern. If you are already married, these should highlight areas to openly discuss often with your spouse. What are your expectations in each of these areas? If you disagree, how do you intend to work things out? If you are unmarried, look at these as things to discuss with your fiancee before starting marriage in order to work out some ground rules before jumping in without clear expectations. Dont wait until you get married and then realize that while you had always wanted 10 children your spouse doesnt want any. Discussing your expectations clearly, early and often in each of these areas will go a long way to strengthen your marriage.

Psychiatric Disorders
Dementia. Substance-Related Disorders. Schizophrenia and Other Psychotic Disorders. Affective Disorders. Anxiety Disorders. Sexual Disorders. Eating Disorders. Sleep Disorders. Impulse Control Disorders. Personality Disorders. WMH Related Disorders. Childhood Psychiatric Disorders.

Tense Situations
First year First baby issues Career Changes Lifetime Decisions A teenager on board Mid-life crisis Menopause and andropause Empty home

Signs of Marriage Meltdown and Hardly Reversible Conflicts

Signs of Marriage Meltdown

The following are signs and patterns of serious marital discords between couples. Regular shouting and yelling Losing temper with each other over trivial matters Nasty name calling Extremely harsh criticisms Difficulty about talking any problem calmly and reasonably Throwing things at each other Bringing up bad memories repeatedly Being made to feel, or make another feel worthless and unwanted Negative interpretation of partner's views and motives

Hardly Reversible Conflicts!!!

Infidelity: Infidelity is involved in about one divorce in five. Some marriages can survive infidelity. But if there is another man or woman in your life, then you are not in a committed relationship and there is a problem with your marriage. Domestic Violence: Verbal or physical violence is reason for divorce. Everyone has the right to be free from unwanted touching and physical harm. Words can hurt as much or more as physical pain. Spouses can be put out of the marital home for verbal or physical violence. Control: Sometimes control is the issue. A husband may find success in the business world by exerting control. He tries to run his house the same way. A wife may stifle her emotional needs for years in the hopes that things will get better. Finally she leaves. Even if he tries to change now it is too late. She does not believe him. Finances: Disagreement over finances may cause conflict. Opposites attract. A wife who is a saver might marry a spender. The wife might feel like she is rescuing the husband by providing order and a budget. The husband might enjoy the structure that the wife brings. But after a while, the restrictions are too binding and the husband rebels. The wife reacts by being even more strict than she normally would be on her own. Different financial strategies and philosophies can cause conflict in a marriage. Parenting: People have different approaches to parenting. One parent may feel the other is too strict with the children. Another may feel the other parent is too lenient with the children and that the children need to learn independence. One parent may feel the other is lax about the childrens weight or medical problems. The other sees that parent as overprotective and perhaps even a hypochondriac.

Hardly Reversible Conflicts!!!

There are alternatives to divorce .By the time people get to the lawyers office, they have usually made up their minds to get a divorce. But a few change their minds, or want to give their marriage one last chance. In that case, there are a few things you can try. It is difficult to discuss these issues with your spouse. And some couples have no communication at all. You have to get your thoughts out of your head and into your mouth and then onto paper. Sometimes all it takes is sitting down at the kitchen table and talking to each other. However, most of us think that if we talk and talk, the other person will finally be persuaded that we are right. That will not work in this situation. You both have to listen and acknowledge what the other person has said before you speak. It may be possible to negotiate a post-marital agreement to resolve some of the conflicts that have arisen in your marriage. In addition to finances, you can even include such details as who will cook meals, who will carry out the trash or how frequently you will have sex. Counseling is a good way to figure out what to do. The marriage counselor will ask questions that help you think more clearly about what is going on and what you want. The marriage counselor will help the two of you communicate better with each other and provide ways for you to resolve your conflicts. When control is the issue in a marriage, sometimes all the couple needs is a good conflict resolution mechanism.

Marital Reciprocity and Social Support

Perceptions of marital quality between spouses in conflict vary. Similarly, the approaches which partners take towards handling differences vary but are crucial in determining marital satisfaction. Adjustments can be challenging because it includes adapting to myths and expectations of marriage, learning how to effectively communicate with a spouse, deriving satisfaction from the relationship and learning to deal with conflict. According to Gottman (1994), what is critical in a marriage is a balance between the couples positive and negative interactions that determines their satisfaction. Social support measures are extremely vital in buffering the effects of marital conflict.(Tam Cai Lian, 2005)

Self Esteem Enhancement

According to the self esteem enhancement model, people are more maritally satisfied when their partners view of them is positive, regardless of how positively they view themselves as compared to the self verification theory where people are more satisfied when their partners view is consistent with their self-view, even when their selfview is negative. Although there is a lot of evidence supporting self esteem enhancement theory, Sacco and Phares (2001) found that regardless of depression and self-esteem level, participants were more maritally satisfied when their partner viewed them positively. Oleary, Christian and Mendell (1994) found a 10-fold increase in risk for depressive symptoms associated with marital discord.

Marital Reciprocity and Social Support

Marriage is good for mental and physical health for the spouse (Burgman & Margolin, 1992) It is crucial for couples to know that partners are protected from the negative effects of stressors in a mutually satisfying relationship. Social support from family and significant others are important in improving marital tactic. Managing conflict is one of the most important tasks in maintaining a marriage While every marriage relationship is as unique as the individuals it contains, some degree of conflict is actually necessary to keep a marriage dynamic rather than static (Ashford et al, 2006)

Useful Tips
If these sound all too familiar in your marriage, things are certainly not all that well between the two of you. You need to act before the bitterness, resentment and anger get the better of you. Here are some measures to manage your conflicts constructively: Time out When the argument gets out of hand, stop it. Leave each other alone for about an hour or two to cool down. If its really heated, its best not to talk to each other for a day or two. When both partners have calmed down, they can attempt to discuss it reasonably and fairly. Think it through Use the time-out period to thoroughly think about the cause of the argument. What was most upsetting about it? Was it a fair fight? Was it necessary to have that big shouting match? Return to the Scene Once both partners have calmed down considerably, they should face each other and try to talk things over evenly. It may be useful to have a full and open discussion about the problem and understand each others point of view before attempting to solve that problem. Understand each others Needs Ask what is truly bothering your spouse. Listen carefully to what he or she has to say and try your best to understand his or her concerns. Then express your own concerns so that your spouse too knows what youre upset about. Mutual understanding of each others needs, concerns and problems is the first step to resolving your conflicts. Reach a Compromise Think of ways to resolve the problems. Brainstorm for ideas, strategies and solutions if need be. Let the ideas flow first no interruptions and no criticisms. Write down the solutions, then shortlist some of them. There must be a solution agreeable to both partners. Agree on what each partner will do to carry out the solution. Then set a time to follow up on how things are progressing. Forgive and Forget Willingness to forgive and forget is a big step in managing a serious conflict. Whats done is done and most times, its best to let it go. Dont bring it back in future arguments. It serves no purpose and only worsens the situation. Learn from past problems and mistakes and strive not to repeat them.


If you are married there is one thing that is certain: there will be conflict. It is impossible to live with someone day after day, for years on end without having some type of conflict. One of the keys to marital success is adopting a view that conflict is good !What?! Yes, conflict is good! Conflict always presents an opportunity for couples to work through issues and come out stronger on the other end. Dont get me wrong, Im not advocating you start picking fights with your spouse for fun, but taking the fear out of conflict goes a long way in helping couples confront their issues. Some of you may be reading this getting ready to bounce because you are not married and dont feel this will apply to youwaitif you are ever even thinking about getting married some day, this information will be useful for you as you begin surveying the land for potential mates.

Thank You