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Subj: asemanarile dintre o soacra si o sticla de sampanie Pe amindoua le vrei reci, pe masa si cu spume la gura.:) :) :) Cu urari de sanatate si virtute, SOUL SHADOW / DR. DICK :-> I've had a bad day and now I got this gun. Go ahead and make me :-> happy... Hi there... or something. Mesterul Manole cocotzat pe schele, spoia tavanul manastirii. Ramine fara var in galeata. De lene sa se dea jos de pe schele, urla la unul dintre cei noua mesteri mari, calfe si zidari: - Macheeee! Var! Mache, rezemat de zidul manastirii, fumind, cu sticla de bere linga el, raspunde, in glas cu o lene colosala: - Mache love, not var... Faza la televizor: Reporter:Pe cine o sa votati la alegeri drept presedinte? O Baba:pe Iliescu ca m-a scos la pensie.. R:Dar de ce nu votati pe altcineva...de ex. pe adversarul sau E Constantinescu B:il votez doar daca ajunge presedinte... MURDER!DEATH!!KILL!!! Bancq 1. De ce are rinoceru' CORN ?! Ca n-a gasit chifle !!! 2. Trei viermisori in desert mergeau in sir indian .... primu' zice: In fata am nisip, in stinga si in dreapta am nisip, in spate am doi viermisori ... al doilea viermisor zice: in fata si in spate am cite un viermisor, in stinga si in dreapta am nisip ... Al treilea zice: in fata am 2 viermisori, in stinga si in dreapta am nisip in spate am 2 viermisori ! De ce zicea al treilea zvircolac ca are in spate inca 2 viermisori ? ERA MINCINOS !!! logic ... 3. (mai porcos da' misto) Mircea cel Batrin pe un mal al Dunarii si Baiazid Intr-o zi vine MCB la marginea Dunarii si zice : - Baiazide !!! - Da - Muie ba, muie, muie muie muie baaaa !!!!! B. negru de furie se intoarce in tabara ... A doua zi MCB la fel : - Baiazide ! - Da - Muie ba, muie, multa muie baaaa !!!! B. nervos la culme se duce la invatatii lui sa ceara - Bai ... ca uite ce face MCB .. Vine la mine, ma imi zice **** ... Ce sa fac? Invatatzii se gindesc vreo 2h 3h 4h ... se inrosise pe celalalt ...

sfaturi... striga, ii raspund si narghileaua ... si in

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cele din urma zic: - Pai uite ma ce sa faci: te duci il strigi, iti raspunde, si-i zici **** - Maaaama ce adevarata faza sa dea dracu' ... gata il omor cu asta .. Se duce B. a treia zi : - Mirceo !! - Da - Muie ba, muie ba, muie muie muie muie baaaa !!!! - VINE ACUMA' BA !!!! Subj: Banc cu politisti Salut la toti! Citeam azi la Universitate o carte :Bancuri interzise ieri Bancuri citite azi... *Doua sotii de politisti stau de vorba. Una zice: -Draga, sotul meu are postul linga o florarie. Niciodata nu mi-a adus vreo floare... -Stii ce? Al meu are post linga conservator. O conserva n-am vazut pina acum.. Subj. ; interzis celor sub 5 ani :)) For 2 good adult jokes press PGDN now! VAR 1: Intra Bula peste ma-sa in baie: -Mama, ce ai acolo?!? -Pai a dat tac-tu cu toporu' si m-a taiat! _Ptiu! Bagami-as pula era sa dea in pizda!!! VAR 2: Intra Bula peste masa-n baie: -Mama, ce tii acolo?!? (masa isi apara cu miinile goliciunea) -Pai am niste trandafiri... -Vezi cum ii tii sa nu-ti intre in pizda... Am auzit azi un subj. si s-ar putea sa va placa.... Un tip pe strada opreste o tipa :Doamna va rog nu va suparati, va implor sa nu va suparati, imi promiteti ca nu va suparati pt. ce o sa va intreb? Tipa :Nu domnule, spuneti Tipul :Va rog eu sa nu va suparati, cit este ceasul? Tipa :12:38 Tipul :Vai doamna dar cit ma bucur ca nu v-ati suparat, pot sa va sarut mina? Tipa :Vai, dar ce frumos vorbiti.... Tipul :Pai sunt domn, ce pula mea? Nici nu te salut.Buna ziua! ... He who laughs last probably doesn't understand the joke. Era o vreme cind prin padure bintuia o saracie lucie .Ce mai nu se gasea aproape nimic de mincare.Intr-o buna zi ,un iepuras anemic si infometat se plimba visind la morcovi ,varza ,salati si alte delicatese.Cind ,dintr-o data ,ce-i vazura ochii?In mijlocul drumului zacea un cos cu oua.Iepurasul se freca la ochi ,se cipi de urechi sa se trezeasca si vazind ca nu are halucinatii se apropie ,pipai si exclama:"Este!" Dupa ce isi reveni din socul suferit iepurasul incepu sa numere ouale...Era

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50 .Iepurasul incepu sa-si faca planuri cum sa le gateasca mai bine si ajunse la concluzia ca solutia optima este omleta.Plin de bucurie iepurasul se indrepta spre casa cind il fulgera un gind:bine ,dar el era un iepuras mic si in tigaia lui nu ar incapea o omleta de 50 de oua.Apoi iepurasul isi aminti de prietenul sau ursul care ,fiind asa mare trebuia sa aiba si o tigaie pe masura in care iepurasul si-ar fi putut face omleta dorita. Asa ca iepurasul pleca la urs sa-i ceara tigaia .Pe drum incepu sa se gindeasca:"Ursul ma va intreba la ce-mi trebuie o tigaie asa mare...Hmm...daca imi zice sa-i dau 10 oua?"Iepurasul se gindi ca ii mai ramin 40 care ar fi fos oricum destule pentru el. Mai merse ce mai merse cind un alt gind ii trecu prin cap:"Bine ,dar daca imi cere 20?...Eh ,oricum ,si 30 de oua mi-ar ajunge sa ma satur". Dar peste putin timp se opri din nou:"Dar daca imi cere 30 de oua?...Imi ramin 20...Ma satur si cu atitea." Si apoi iar se opri:"Bine ,dar daca imi cere 40 de oua ...dar daca mi le cere pe toate si nu mai imi ramine nimic?" Intre timp ,iepurasul ajunsese la casa ursului.Suna furios la usa lui si cind ursul ,nedumerit ii deschise usa iepurasul tipa la el:"Auzi ursule ,du-te dracului cu tigaia ta cu tot". Intr-o buna zi ,leul ,regele animalelor convoca toate animalele din padure pentru a le comunica un fapt de maxima importanta:"Stimate animale ,din informatiile pe care le detinem la aceasta ora am constatat ca padurea este intr-o stare avansata de murdarie.De aceea am hotarit sa se construiasc WC-uri publice si nici un animal sa nu-si mai faca nevoile in tufisuri caci va fi aspru pedepsit." Buuun...zis si facut...Intr-o zi leul se plimba in inspectie. Cind , deodat dintr-un tufis auzi un zgomot ciudat.Se apropie si il prinse pe iepuras facindu-si clandestin nevoile.Apucindu-l de urechi il trase afara si incepu sa-l certe :"Bine bai animalule ,nu ti-am zis ca nu mai ai voie sa-ti faci nevoile in padure?"Iar iepurasul ii raspunse suparat:"Mai nene leule ,mai lasa-ma si tu in pace ca si-asa sunt necajit.Sa stii ca nu ma mai duc in viata mea la WC-urile tale.""De ce mai iepurasule?"il intreba leul uimit."Pai sa vez ...deunazi am avut si eu nevoie si m-am dus la WC ca un iepuras civilizat ce sunt.Linga cabina mea era ursul.Imi faceam eu treaba linistit ,cind ,deodata ursul ma intreaba:Auzi mai iepurasule ,tie iti cade parul?Eu i-am spus ca nu.S atunci stii ma leule ce mi-a facut?M-a luat de urechi si s-a sters cu mine." ... Press <CTRL> <ALT> <DEL> to continue... Citit-le, cateva sunt kwl de tot ... *** Intrebare: De ce sunt femeile convergente ? Raspuns : Pentru ca sunt monotone si marginite. *** Pe o insula un canibal alearga trei femei. Ele se salveaza urcindu-se intr-un copac. Asteapta canibalul o zi, doua zile, trei zile. Pica o femeie pe care canibalul o maninca. Mai asteapta o zi, doua zile, ... Dupa trei zile a doua femeie pica si ea. Canibalul o maninca. Asteapta el o zi, doua zile ... Dupa a treia zi femeia pica. Canibalul ... Morala : Femeia, pica, dar trebuie sa ai rabdare de canibal. *** Intr-o seara, un calugar franciscan mergea pe strada, infasurat intr-o manta neagra, cu gluga pe cap ... Se intilneste cu doi politisti care il bat de se caca pe ei apoi unul din ei ii zice:

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- Ce ba NINJA crezi ca totu-i ca-n filme ? *** Intrebare : Cum se ara cimpul electromagnetic ? Raspuns : Cu boii de la politehnica. *** Culmea deshidratarii: SA EJACULEZI PUDRA. *** Doi canibali: tatal si fiul. Vad la vreo 10 pasi o femeie ... buna. Copilul: Tata, tata, hai s-o papam! Taticul: Taci, ba, nu fi bou; o luam p-asta acasa, si-o papam pe muma-ta *** Femeile sunt un deziderat dupa care alergi toata viata si cind in sfirsit o gasesti, iti bagi pula-n ea. *** Bula vine la Marioara in vizita cu un buchet enorm de flori. Se aseaza ei la masa, discuta, totul e numai lapte si miere ... Dupa masa, Marioara se ridica incet ..., se dezbraca ... se aseaza pe pat ... - Bula ... scumpule, ... aahh ... asta este pentru florile tale ... - Marioaro, dar era suficienta si o vaza ... *** De ce seamana Polul Sud cu clitorisul unei lesbiene? Fiindca toti barbatii stiu unde este, dar nici unul nu vrea sa ajunga acolo. *** La Auschwitz soseste un transport mare de oameni. - Ce facem cu ei ? - Hai sa-i bagam la camera de gazare. Ii inghesuie acolo, le da bine cu gaz ... peste o ora vin sa vada daca mai traieste cineva. intr-un colt, un cecen, un francez, si un american jucau poker. - Ce-i cu voi aici baieti ??!!?? - Stiti ... eu sunt cecen ... a ... si in numele poporului cecen m-am hotarit sa traiesc. - Sunt francez, de meserie scufundator, ... si nu mi-a fost greu sa-mi tin respiratia. - Domnilor, io sunt american, sunt toxicoman, si... inchide dracu usa ca iese gazul !!! Show me an original, funny tagline; I'll show you mine. Primul banc : Era o baba care avea 3 fete si cresc fetele mari si se casatoresc . In noapte nunti se duce baba pe la usile fetelor si asculta ce se intampla.Pe prima fata o aude plangand , pe a doua o aude razand , si la a treia usa nu aude nimic. A doua zi o intreaba pe prima fata : - Da' ce s-a intamplat,maica,te batea ce-ti facea ? - Nu mama plangeam ce era prima data ........cand nu o faceam pe bani. O intreaba si pe a doua fata : - Mama ce s-a intamplat noaptea trecuta de ce radeai ? - Pai mi-a aratat o figura pe care o stiam de la gradinita . Se duce si la a teia fata si o intreaba : - Ce ai patit ca azi noapte nu se auzea nimic in camera ta , sotul tau e impotent ? - Nu m-ai spus tu sa nu vorbesc cu gura plina ?

> Al doilea banc : > > Doua babe chioare mergeau pe stada ,una dintre ele vede o flegma verde . > - Ia uite un medalion verde.

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Cealalta baga degetul in flegma si il ridica . - Are si lantisor. Al treilea banc : Intr-o seara intr-un bar inra unu' paraos-barbos , cere o bere o bea si da sa plece , barmanul il intreaba : - Da' de ce nu platesti ? - Pai fac parte din organizatia parosi-barbosi. - OK Se intampla asta si a doua seara si a treia seara , in a patra seara vine in bar un chel , cere o bere o bea si da sa plece , la care barmanul ii spune - Sa nu-mi spui ca si tu faci parte din organizatia parosi-barbosi ca nu te cred . Chelu' isi desface slitul de la pantaloni si spune : - Lucrez sub acoperire. Cica se duce profa' la scoala intr-o zi , intra in clasa si spune: - Buna ziua, copii! iar copii ii raspund: - Buna ziua mea! Auzind asta, se oftica profa, da' pina la sfirsitu' zilei ii trece.. a dou zi: - Buna ziua, copii! - Buna ziua mea! Se oftica asta rau, pregateste cerere de demisie, vine a-II-a zi: - Buna ziua, copii.. - Buna ziua! Asta fericita se uita prin clasa ... si .. nu-l vede pe Bula... Le zice elevilor: - Copii, miine cind vin si zic "buna ziua" voi sa taceti din gura si sa-l lasati numai pe Bula sa zica... Zis si facut . Ziua urmatoare: - Buna ziua, copii! la care Bula: - Du-te-n pula mea! Q: Are Funar sange de ungur? A: Da. Pe bara de la masina. Cica azi (prima zi de scoala la noi) ne intreba diriga: - Voi unde vreti sa dati? Raspunsul veni fulgerator: - La buci! O masina plina de militeni opreste sa ia un popa care le face semn cu mana. In masina e un purcel pe care gradatii l-au procurat dintr-un CAP.La un moment dat si ca sa faca putina conversatie,parintele intreaba unde duc godacul. -Il ducem sa dea examen la teologie,spune spre hazul tovarasilor sai un plutonier. -Si daca nu reuseste,intreaba preotul,il tineti in continuare in militie? Sa vedetzi morala.... Pai era iepuroaica linga calea ferata shi se gindeshte ea: 'Ma s-o trec,sa n-o trec....Hai s-o trec!' A trecut-o shi a dat de dracu':A venit trenu' shi i-a taiat coada!(singe....) Acasa scandal mare cu barbatu'iepuroaica fiind consemnata 6 luni in casa,sa-i

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creasca [,] coada la loc.Dupa 6 luni,iepuroaica,indaratnica [,] ca toate femeile se duce din nou la calea ferata,iar o trece,iar ii taie trenu' coada! Din nou scandal cu barbatu',inca 6 luni de stat in casa pt.iepuroaica! In sfirshit,cu coada(care tocmai crescuse la loc) in vint,se duce iepuroaica la calea ferata,shi se gindeste: 'Ba, io daca trec din nou iar imi taie asta coada shi am pus-o!' Asha ca,pentru a evita lucrul acesta,a luat coada,a bagat-o intre picioare shi a trecut calea ferata! Bineintzeles ca a trecut trenu,da' acum i-a taiat capu'. MORALA: Asha ishi pierd femeile capul cind au ceva intre picioare! Ursul se plimba prin padure cu o foaie in mina. Se intilneste cu lupul.Ce ai acolo ursule? Lista cu animalele pe care trebuie sa le ucid azi. -Vai, si nu cumva sint si eu pe lista? -Pai, esti la numarul 45. -Vai, nu ma omori, lasa-ma sa ma duc la copiii mei sa-i mai vad odata si dupa aia poti sa ma omori! -Bine, hai. Se duc, vede lupu ce are de vazut, apoi il omoara ursul.. Dupa un timp, se intilneste cu vulpea. -Ursule ce ai acolo? -Lista cu... -Vai, si sint si eu acolo? -Da, la nr. 15. -Ursule, nu ma ucide! Lasa-ma sa imi vad copiii, etc. -Bine. Merge, se uita, moare si vulpea. Mai tirziu, cu iepurele: -Ursule, ursule, ce ai acolo? -Lista cu animalele... -Si sint si eu pe acolo? -Pai, esti la nr. 3. -AOLEU! -Si nu poti sa ma stergi de pe lista?... -...Ba da. Intr-un compartiment de tren erau trei negrotei si o baba. Baba unui negru: De ce ai urechea alba? Negru 1: Pai sunt membru al tribului cu urechea alba... Baba altui negru: Da' tu de ce ai nasul alb? Negru 2: Fac parte din tribul cu nasul alb. Baba celui de-al treilea: Si tu de ce ai mana alba? A.. Stiu! Faci parte din tribul cu mana alba, nu? Negru 3: Nu, io sunt ginecolog la Copsa Mica. I:Stiati de ce nu maninca politistii muraturi? R:Pentru ca nu le incape capul in borcan. I:De ce un politist care te opreste nu ti se adreseaza politicos? R:D-aia! Era odata o vaca pe pajiste si pastea. Si in prima zi vine un bou si o priveste si o admira, a doua zi o priveste, o admira a treia zi o priveste, o admira a patra zi o priveste, o admira a cincea zi o priveste, o admira a sasea zi vine un magar o priveste, o admira, o convinge... Morala: Mai bine un magar decit un bou !!!

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Deci, Era una gravida,si intr-o noapte se trezeste pe la ora 2, si-l trezest pe barba-su, si ii zice: - Barbate, vreau melci! - Taci femeie ai innebunit la cap, de unde sa-ti aduc io melci la ora asta??? Nevasta-sa insista si-n cele din urma omu' pleaca dupa melci Ajunge el intr-un parc, cauta melci, gaseste si pleaca spre casa. Pe drum se intilneste cu o veche prietena, care il convinge sa treaca pe la ea sa renunte la abstetinenta... Dimineata se trezeste omu' disperat si-i duce lu' nevasta-sa melcii... Ajunge el la usa scoate toti melcii din buzunare de pe unde ii avea, i sun... - Unde ai fost #@@@%$@!$%$%!^%!#$# sotul: - Hai baieti ca mai aveti un pic... Asta era scris in 2 Mai: Pe un cimp cu viorele Crestea numai ghiocei A venit mandrele mele Si le-a cules ei pe toti! Intr-o balta neagra Patru ochi luceste; Ce sa fie oare? Cred ca e doi peste. The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: Tell me, oh wise, magnificent, splendid, too-cool-for-words, always-in-thright-place-at-the-right-time Oracle: What if Data (from Star Trek Next Generation) were Microsoft Windows compatible? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: WORF: Captain, there are three Romulan warships uncloaking dead ahead. PICARD: On screen. [The main viewing screen changes to a pattern of horizontal lines, each only a single pixel wide.] PICARD: Data, what's wrong here? DATA: Captain, the main viewscreen does not have sufficient video memory to display an image of this size. May I suggest that you select a lower resolution? PICARD: Make it so. [The screen blanks, and then an image appears, with big, blocky square pixels. Three objects appear in the center, which could be Romulan warbirds, but which actually look more like the aliens in Space

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Invaders.] PICARD: Data, open a hailing channel to the Romulans. DATA: Aye, sir. [Data picks up an hourglass from the floor beside him, turns it over, and places it on the console in front of him. He punches some buttons on the console and sits motionless for several seconds. A flash of light blossoms from one of the Romulan ships on the viewscreen.] WORF: Incoming plasma torpedo, Captain! PICARD: Shields up! DATA: I'm sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting to complete your last instruction. I must ask you to wait until I have finished before you issue your next command. PICARD: What on earth do you mean? Data, this is *important*! I want those shields up *right now*. DATA: I'm sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting to complete your last instruction. I must ask you to wait until I have finished before you issue your next command. LAFORGE: Allow me, captain. [to Data] Control-alt-delete, Data. [Data removes the hourglass from the console, and returns it to the floor.] DATA: The Romulans are not responding to my hails. Press my nose to cancel and return to Windows. Pull my left ear to close this communications channel which is not responding. You will lose any information sent by the Romulans. [LaForge pulls Data's left ear.] PICARD: Shields... [There is a tremendous explosion. The bridge shakes violently, and all the crew members are thrown to the floor. A shower of sparks erupts from Wesley Crusher's station at the helm, throwing Wesley back away from the console.] PICARD: Up, Data! DATA: Aye, sir. RIKER: All decks, damage report! WORF: Captain, Ensign Crusher is injured. He appears to be unconscious. [Data picks up the hourglass again, places it on his console, and punches some more buttons. He waits a few seconds, then puts the hourglass back on the floor.] DATA: Shields are now up, captain.

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PICARD: And not a moment too soon. Worf, lock all phasers on the lead Romulan ship. WORF: Aye, sir. [He punches buttons on the weapons console.] PICARD: Mr. Data, take the helm, and prepare for evasive action. DATA: I am sorry, sir, but I do not have the proper device driver installed for that console. PICARD: Well, damn it, install the right one. DATA: Please insert Setup Implant #1 in my right nostril. PICARD: Number One, where do we keep Data's setup implants? RIKER: I left them with Geordi. LAFORGE: [in a surprised voice] What!!? I thought you still had them! PICARD: Data, don't you have device drivers stored in your internal memory? DATA: Not found, sir. Please insert Setup Implant #1 in my right nostril. PICARD: Data, I don't *have* Setup Implant #1. DATA: Not ready reading right nostril. Abort, Retry, Fail? PICARD: Abort! DATA: Not ready reading right nostril. Abort, Retry, Fail? PICARD: Well, fail, then! DATA: Current nose is no longer valid. [Data walks over to the helm, and presses several buttons. The ship lurches, the images of the Romulan warships suddenly shift to one side of the viewscreen, and a high-pitched whining noise is heard coming from somewhere else in the ship.] LAFORGE: [alarmed] Data, what the hell are you doing? PICARD: Number One, do we have a customer service number for Data? RIKER: Yes sir, but last time I tried to call them, I got put on hold for two hours before I was able to talk to anyone. And that person wasn't knowledgeable about androids of Data's model. She specialized in industrial control robots. [Suddenly, the lights all go out, the viewscreen goes blank, and all the usual noise of fans, motors, and so on whines to a halt. After a few seconds, the red emergency lights come on. Data is standing by the console, absolutely motionless.] PICARD: What's going on? LAFORGE: [checking the helm console] Lieutenant Data has caused a General Protection Violation in the warp engine core.

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PICARD: These androids look really sharp, but you can't really do anything with them. [The shimmer of the transporter effect appears, and six Romulans in full battle dress materialize on the bridge. A seventh figure, a Ferengi, appears moments later.] FERENGI: [with a mercenary grin] Can I interest you in a Macintosh, Captain? You owe the Oracle a little model of the Enterprise, with an "Intel Inside" sticker on it. La un congres de medicina un rus si un roman povestesc marile lor realizar in domeniu. Rusul ia cuvintul si se apuca sa le povesteasca: "Mama mea lucreaza la un colhoz si intr-o zi cind depanusa porumb ii sare aschie metalica in ochi si ii strapunge cristalinul. Dupa ce a fost la mai multi doctori si in final a ajuns la mine la Maskva. Am luat un ochi de sticla i-am facut un nou cristalin dintr-o foita de staniol de la un pachet de tigari Dupa o saptamina avea secretie lacrimala, dupa alte doua incepuse sa clipeasca dupa o luna distingea lumina de intuneric iar acum, dupa sase luni citeste far ochelari." Aplauze peste aplauze. Vine si rindul romanului: "Varul meu lucra intr-o zi la semanatoare. A constatat ca ceva nu merge bine si s-a dat jos sa regleze ceva la un abataj. Nu a fost atent si si-a prin penisul intr-o curea de transmisie. Penisul i-a fost retezat de la jumatate. A fost pe la mai multi doctori si in final a ajuns la mine, la Bucuresti. I-am sacrificat un deget de la mina, i-am dat o gaura in mijloc, am facut noi insertii musculare si l-am atasat penisului. Dupa doua saptamini urina fara probleme, la doua luni a avut prima erectie iar acum are doi copii frumosi si sanatosi" Aplauze peste aplauze. Rusul se enerveaza si incepe sa rida in hohote: "Auzi la asta! Cine a mai vazut asa ceva?". La care romanul spune: "Mata, cu ochiul ala de sticla!" 2 Popo la mare! Primu: Cum e marea? Second: Ca o pula. Primu: Bine ca mi-ai zis sa sar cu curu inainte! Alta: "Baru Scarbosilor" Un client: Vreau un pahar cu sperma! Chelner: Avem sperma de cal, de taur, de om. De care doriti? Clientu: Nu ma pricep, dati-mi un cocteil! Bea asta cocteilu' si apare alt client. Noul client: Vreau un pahar de puroi! Chelner: Avem puroi de rana de mana, de picior, de genunchi. De care doriti? Clientu: Nu ma pricep, dati-mi un cocteil! Bea si asta cocteilu' si intre timp apare altu'. Clientu: Vreau un pahar de apa calda! Chelner: Nu servim asa ceva!

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Clientu: Domnule vreau un pahar de apa calda! Chelner: Domnule nu intelegi ca nu servim decat lucruri scarboase? Ori comanzi ceva scarbos ori te cari! Clientu(intrigat): Da-mi domnule un pahar cu apa calda! Pana la urma primeste un pahar cu apa calda. Imediat scoate un _TAMPAX_ si zice: <Ah nici un ceai nu mai poti sa-ti prepari in ziua de azi!> Iata niste bancuri care sper ca sunt mai noi, cel putin pentru unii dintre voi... 1) Mergea un taran pe drum. La un moment dat vede intr-o balta un pestisor de aur care il roaga: -Mai tarane iti dau tractoare, combine, pamant numai du-ma si pe mine intr-un lac ca sa nu mor. Taranul nimic. -Mai tarane iti dau muieri, te fac taran sef la tine in sat numai sa ma duci si pe mine intr-un lac sa nu mor. Taranul il zdrobeste cu piciorul si zice: -Ma faci TU pe MINE taran MA ? 2) Vine Sir acasa: -John doamna este singura ? -Nu Sir, este sus cu un domn. -John adu sabia. -Yes, Sir. Sir se duce sus unde era doamna de unde se aude un urlet. Sir se intoarce: -John, un doctor pentru domnul si un tirbuson pentru doamna. 3) -John, lamaia canta ? -Nu. -Atunci, iar am mancat papagalul... Don't drink water because fishes fuck in it ! Nu bea apa pentru ca pestii se f--a in ea ! Asta e mai vechi dar mie mi-a placut si sper sa nu-l stiti: Cica se intilnisera Nancy Reagan ,Raisa Gorbaciova si tovarasa.Si incepuser sa isi admire bijuteriile una alteia. Prima data a fost observata o bratara splendida la incheietura lui Nancy.La rugamintile suratelor aceasta si-o scoase si celelalte putura citi ,scrise cu litere de diamant urmatoarele:"De la Ronny pentru iepurasul meu drag".In jur s auzira exclamatii de admiratie. Apoi la gitul Raisei se putu observa un colier superb.La insistentele celorlalte doua ,Raisa il scoase si le citi ce scrie:"De la Misa ,cu dragoste si pretuire".Alte murmure de admiratie... Veni si rindul tovarasei noastre.Raisa si Nancy observara ca aceata isi ascundea miinile.O rugara sa le arate ce ascunde si ,silita de imprejurari aceasta dadu la iveala un inel superb ,pe a carui piatra scria:"De la Neagoe Basarab pentru fiul sau Teodosie"... Ion Iliescu (preedintele Rom^niei): "Vacaroiu este un meserias, dar nu are abilitatea de a vorbi frumos i nu place femeilor si fetelor la TV." Daniela Bartos (ministrul sanatatii):

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"Este inevitabil ca la o anumit v^rst s te mai i ^mbolnveti o s mai i mori de ceva." Adrian Punescu (senator PSM): "Dac cu o singur femeie am fost ^n stare s fac o fat ca Ana-Maria, v dai seama ce putem face toi ^mpreun." Adrian Severin (frunta PD): "Este treaba mea ce fac acasa,si-n particular, cu domnul Nastase !" Dan Iosif (consilier prezidenial): "... timp de 5 ani, ^n fostul regim am fcut bini, dar o bini cinstit !" Traian Chebeleu (consilier prezidenial): "Convenia nu a fost refuzat s participe la ceremonie, ea nu a fost invitat." Emil Popescu (deputat PNCD): "Incestul este preferabil homosexualitii, pentru c d o ans procrerii..." Ion Diaconescu (preedinte PNCD): "Daca batrinica l-ar fi acostat direct, Ion Iliescu ar fi uitat sa-i dea banii..." Al. Paleologu (senator PNL): "Pomdatul Adrian Nstase este un tip care nu-i mai ^ncape ^n case i ^n piele." Let the Dark Soul be with you, All! Cica au scos romanii o noua drujba : Taie lemne, scoate cuie Fute-n cur si da la muie am auzit-o si eu p'aici p'in sat :) Mari seara pe ProTv... tirile de la miezul nopii... Andrei Zaharescu spune: - Sunt Andrei Zaharescu i Cristina opescu i ^mpreun v vom prezenta tirile ProTv... :-)) Apropos de asta... una mai veche...

> Radio Rom^nia Actualiti, ora exact: > - Aici Radio Rom^neti Bucuria... :-))) > > > > > > > > > c > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Superman ii povestea lui Spiderman. - Ee, si cum zburam eu asa pe deasupra zgarie-norilor, o vad la o fereastra pe Wonder Woman... - Ei si? - Ma apropii sa ma uit mai bine si o vad pe WW cum incepe sa se dezbrace foarte senzual. Si incepe si isi scoate rochia, sutienu', chilotii, se intinde lasciv pe pat si isi desface picioarele. - Si tu? - Eu... Imi iau avant, sar pe pervazul geamului si de-acolo cu un salt ma arun pe ea. - Si, si? - Si uite asa l-am futut in cur pe Omul Invizibil! GHOST SHIT - Thats the kind of shit where you feel the shit come out, have shit on the toilet paper, but there is no shit in the toilet. CLEAN SHIT - The kind of shit that you let out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper. WET SHIT - The kind of shit where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you dont get a brown stain. SECOND WAVE SHIT - It happens when you've done shitting, you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and then you realize you have to shit some more. BRAIN HEMORRHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE SHIT or the POP A VEIN IN YOUR FOREHEAD SHIT - The kind shit where you strain so much to get it out that you practically have a stroke. RICHARD SIMMONS SHIT - The kind of shit where you shit so much that you lose 40 pounds. CORN SHIT - Self explanitory. LINCOLN LOG SHIT - The kind of shit that is so huge you are afraid to flush the toilet without breaking it up into pieces with the brush. DRINKERS SHIT - That is the kind of shit that you have in the morning after a long night of drinking - Its mostly noticeable trait is the treadmarks on the bottom of the toilet. "GEE,I WISH I COULD SHIT" SHIT - The kind of shit where you want to shit, but all you do is sit on the toilet cramped and fart a few times. SPINAL TAP SHIT - The kind where it hurts so much coming out, that you'd swear that it came out sideways. WET CHEEKS SHIT or POWER DUMP - The kind of shit where it comes out of your ass so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilets water. LIQUID SHIT - The kind of shit where yellowish brown liquid shoots out of your butt, splatters all over the inside of the toilet bowl, The whole time chronically burning your tender anus.

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MEXICAN FOOD SHIT - A class all of its own.... ICEBERG SHIT - The kind where the shit is so long that the end of it sticks above the water SQUID SHIT - That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt, splatters all over the inside of the toilet bowl, the whole time chronically burning your tender buns THE OTTOMAS SHIT - The kind where the odor of the mess creeps out of the restroom and throughout the building to make the entire building sick or near evacuation. (This has been noted in several bowling alleys in the past few years) POPCORN AND PEANUT SHIT: (Related To The Corn Shit Family) When you shit and can actually feel the Popcorn, Peanuts, and any other foreign objects. THE SLOW AS MOLASSES SHIT: People who will sit on the toilet for 2 to 3 hours and grunt, groan, fart, and curse because it takes so long. ( It usually ends up to be a huge fart at most.) SPEED SHITTERS: People who can walk to the bathroom, and in less than 30 seconds, can shit, wipe, and be gone! SHRIVELED DRY SHIT: The kind where you sit there and squeez until your stomach feels like it's coming out of you ass and the shit is so dried up it feels like broken glass sliding through your ass. THE I'M BUSY SHIT: Where you are trying to do something (like call a BBS) and you don't want to take the time to go shit, so you hold it as long as possible and then run like a screaming maniac to the bathroom and tear you pants off jump on the toilet and it flys out in 4 seconds flat making a loud fart noise and slashing your buns with water. JALAPENO SHIT: The kind of shit where you eat HOT jalapenos all day then scream the whole time in the bathroom because it feels like someone has a flamethrower up your ass and your shit comes out like red-orange mushy clay. THE 'I THINK I HAVE TO SHIT' SHIT: This is where you feel like you have to shit but when you try the feeling goes away then as soon as your back doing what you where doing before it happens again. PEBBLES SHIT : the kind of shit where you try for hours to squeeze it out and all that happens is one tiny little black pebble comes out! INTERRUPTED SHIT - This is the kind where you're in the bathroom halfway through withyour shit and all of a sudden the doorbell rings or the phone rings and you have to squeeze your ass muscles to eiher hurry the shit along or cut it off in mid shit. THE 'I KNEW I shit but it's somewhere and I should have SHOULD HAVE SHIT' SHIT: This is where you fell like you have to not so noticeable that you go, then you get in the car to go as soon as you get down the block you say to yourself, 'I knew gone shit!!'.. What happens after that is unpredictible!!

THE NIAGRA FALLS SHITTER: This is the type of person who was born with diarea and still has it. They sit down and it shoots out like a dam the broke wide open. The worst part is when you have to go next and the toilet is unspeakable and there is no toilet paper left to use.

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Subj: Tzaranu e pe camp! Gudutentag All! Se intilnesc la o reuniune mondiala Usa ,Urss ,Si Romania. Americanii:am facut un elicopter care se inalta la 20000 metri. Rusii:Am facut un avion care merge cu o viteza de 10000 km/h Rominu':Noi avem un tigan in sat la noi care tine 7 condori pe pula. La care ceilalti :hai domne fugi de aici. Americanii: e am umflat si noi putin cifrele de fapt se inalta la 16000 metri Rusii:da si noi merge doar cu 9000 km/h Rominu':da si noi: de fapt cel de-al saptelea sta sa cada. Sper ca v-a placut. MURDER!DEATH!!KILL!!! Cele 4 conditii ca vinul sa fie bun: 1. 2. 3. 4. Sa Sa Sa Sa fie fie fie fie alb rece mult gratis

Mare congres international al feministelor. Se-ntoarce Mary acasa si-l ia din pragul usii pe b^rbat-su, John : "De m^ine speli vasele, speli rufele, duci copiii la scoal^, faci curat ^n cas^ si vine si mama de la Glasgow s^ stea cu noi.". M^ rog, trece o zi, nu se vede nici o diferent^, trec dou^, da' ^n a treia ^ncepe John s^ mai spele un vas, o ruf^, s^ dea cu aspiratorul. Deci, se poate. Aceeasi scen^ cu Marie si Jean : "De m^ine - vase, rufe, copii etc. si vine si mama de la Lyon s^ stea cu noi.". In prima zi nu vede nici o diferenta, a doua zi idem, dar din a treia se apuc^ Jean de treab^. Deci - se poate. Ajunge acas^ si M^ria, si-l ia ^n primire pe Ion : "B^ - de m^ine - vase, rufe copii, cur^tenie si vine si mama de la B^icoi s^ stea cu noi.". Prima zi nu vede nimic, a doua zi la fel, ei, ^n a treia ^ncepe s^ vad^ c^te ceva - dar numai cu st^ngul. Cic Dumnezeu il cheama la raport pe un ingeras: - Mai ingerasule, du-te si tu si curata, te rog, norisorul ala negru de acolo - Vai, cum sa ma duc eu, cu manutele mele albe si pufoase sa ma murdaresc. - Hai mai ingerasule, gandeste-te cati oameni sunt necajiti sub norisorul ala ca e negru si acopera soarele. - Da' cum sa ma duc eu, cu aripioarele mele albe si cu piciorusele mele ca laptele - Hai mai ingerasule, du-te, ca si eu cand eram mic ca tine, si eu curatam norosori si ii faceam pe oameni fericiti. Hai du-te! - Ete pula! Un mare voievod inaintea celei mai dure batalii ale sale era foarte ingrijorat de soarta bataliei si a soldatilor lui. Pentru a asigura victoria pe alte cai decit cele fizice s-a hotarit sa apeleze la 3 babe vrajitoare. Odata ajuns la babe isi spune pasu' si primeste confirmarea: "da minca-ti-as" spun babele "ii omorim si dupa aia mai vorbim". Dupa ce se termina si batalia (cu armata dusmana toata bolnava si vai de coaiele ei) vievodu' se intoarse la cele 3 babe sa le rasplateasca: - Bai ca am cistigat, ca va dau aur si haine din matase sa dea dracku ... - Aaaa nuuu ... noi nu vrem daruri ... noi vrem sa fim platite in natura - Adica ? Vine prima baba :

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- Ba minca-ti-as eu vreau sa-mi sugi tzitza stinga ! - Ce ... ? - Hai hai nu spune nimic ca .... - Gata ... Se apuca baiatu' nostru isi termina treaba si vina si cea de-a doua baba: - Ba minca-ti-as si eu vreu sa-mi sugi tzitza stinga ! - Maaaama sa dea dracku ... biiiine .. Vine si cea de-a treia : - Si tu vrei sa-ti sug tzitza stinga ma ? - NU ca eu sunt BABA NOVAC !!! 2. Doi sadici pe strada : - BA, iti plac ochii nevestii mele ? - DA !! - IAI ! 3. Un sadic intr-un bloc lovea un copil cu capu' de scari. O baba care cobora: - Hai ba sadicule nu-l mai da asa tare ca-i sare caciulitza din cap ! - NU ca-i batuta-n cuie !! 4. Doi serpi in desert: (s = th) - Auzi ba Vathile stai ba un pic ca vreau tha-ti zic ceva ! - Pleaca ba de-aici !! - Thtai ba Vathile ca vreau tha-ti zic ceva ma !! - pleaca ba nu vezi ca thunt grabit !! - Hai ba Vathile ba !! - Zi maaa !! - Auzi ba Vathile noi thuntem veninosi ??? - Da ba .. da de ce ? - Mi-am muthcat limba !!! -Tata, imi dai 1 mie de lei? -Pana cand? -Pana nu-ti dau eu vo' doua! 2. Bula face gluma de 1 aprilie: -Mama, vezi ca tata s-a spanzurat in garaj!!! Fuge ma-sa in garaj, nimic... Apare si Bula: -H^ H^ H^! P^caleala de 1 aprilie: s-a spanzurat in pod! 3. La o expozitie de pictura, un tablou complet negru, cu un singur punct (.) alb in mijloc: -Ce reprezinta acest tablou? intreaba un tip. Pictorul: -Aaaa, acesta-i punctul meu de vedere... 4. Culmi: Culmea spatiului locativ: sa locuiesti intr-o camera de filmat. Culmea CFR-ului: sa manaci s^rma ghimpata, sa te caci cale ferata. Culmea culmilor: EVEREST 5. Q: De ce face bila atunci cand cade pe pamant, POC POC?

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A: Pai daca ar face POC POC POC, i s-ar zice trila. BANC 1 Unde sunt cei mai multi somalezi din Somalia? Depinde de unde bate vintul. BANC 2 Citi somalezi sunt in Somalia? Aproximativ 5Kg si jumatate. BANC 3 Intr-o chiuveta de hotel gasesti o jumatate de boaba de mazare. Ce concluzie tragi? Doi somalezi au borit toata noaptea. BANC 4 De ce somalezii au returnat medicamentele primite de la americani? Pentru ca pe prospect scria "A se lua dupa fiecare masa.". BANC 5 Cum ajunge un somalez din Somalia in Anglia? Prin fax. * STATUTUL CLUBULUI OBOSITZILOR DIN NASTERE * 1. Te nasti obosit si traiesti pentru a te odihni. 2. Iubeste-tzi patul ca si pe tine insutzi. 3. Odihneste-te ziua ca sa potzi dormi noaptea. 4. Daca vezi pe unu' ca se odihneste, ajuta-l! 5. Munca inseamna oboseala. 6. Nu face astazi ce potzi face si miine. 7. Fa cit mai putzin, iar ceea ce ai de facut fa sa faca altzii. 8. Prea multa odihna nu a omorit pe nimeni. 9. Cind itzi vine pofta sa muncesti, aseaza-te si asteapta sa-tzi treaca. 10. Daca munca inseamna sanatate, atunci: traiasca boala! 11. Serviciul nu este circiuma sa stai toata ziua in ea. 12. La munca trebuie sa te asezi in asa fel incit sa mai incapa si altzii. Examen de promovare in grad la gabori. Ii baga pe boi intr-o sala, vine ofiterul si le zice: -Ba baieti, treburile e simple, azi va dam ceva usor. Inchide geamurile, trage perdelele, aprinde lumina. Fiti atenti: eu o sa sting lumina, dupa care voi trebuie sa-mi ziceti ce s-a intimplat cu ea, unde a disparut. Zis si facut, stinge ofiterul lumina, cum se vad gaborii pe intuneric, incep sa urle, tremurau de frica... Gradatu' vede ca nu poate s-o scoata la capat cu ei, si le zice: -Ba baieti, va dau permisie doua saptamini, da dupa asta veniti si-mi ziceti unde s-a ascuns lumina. Ok. Pleaca boii, vin dupa doua sapt. nerasi, nedormiti neetc. Ii ia ala la rind: -Ba, cutare, unde era lumina? -Pai sa vedeti ca... -Nimic! Nu iei gradul! Urmatorul. -Pai sa... Si tot asa pina la unul, care arata cel mai jalnic. Vine asta si zice: -Dom' capitan, sa moara mama, am gasit solutia. Am aflat unde s-a ascuns lumina. -Pai cum ai aflat ba? -Pai fiti atent. Cum am ajuns acasa, am inchis toate geamurile, am tras roletele, am batut sipci la geamuri, la usi, ce mai, am izolat toata casa. Apo am stins lumina. Si da-i si caut-o. Am smul tapetul, am smul parchetul, am dat jos tencuiala, am spart mobila, am ars saltelele, da pina la urma am gasit-o,

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nenorocita naibii... -...Si, unde era? -In frigider... - Sir, John a sarit cu parasuta si nu s-a deschis. - Iar ?! Time is Money and as every engineer knows, Power is Work over Time. So, substituting algebraic equations for these time worn bits of wisdom, we get: K = P (1) T = M (2) P = W/T (3) Now, do a few simple substitutions: Put W/T in for P in equation (1), which yields: K = W/T (4) Put M in for T into equation (4), which yields: K = W/M (5). Now we've got something. Expanding back into English, we get: Knowledge equals Work over Money. What this MEANS is that: 1. The More You Know, the More Work You Do, and 2. The More You Know, the Less Money You Make. Solving for Money, we get: M = W/K (6) Money equals Work Over Knowledge. >From equation (6) we see that Money approaches infinity as Knowledge approaches 0, regardless of the Work done. What THIS MEANS is: The More you Make, the Less you Know. Solving for Work, we get W = M K (7) Work equals Money times Knowledge >From equation (7) we see that Work approaches 0 as Knowledge approaches 0. What THIS MEANS is: W = M K (7) Work equals Money times Knowledge >From equation (7) we see that Work approaches 0 as Knowledge approaches 0.

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What THIS MEANS is: The stupid rich do little or no work. Working out the socioeconomic implications of this breakthrough is left as an exercise for the reader. Se da examen pt. niste posturi de <subj>, candidatii erau intr-o sala, vine un tip mai gras, se opreste in fata primului candidat si-l intreaba: M: Ba, cit fac 2+2? C: 10 sa traiti! M: Gresit, ai picat! Ajunge la al doilea M: Cit fac 10-4? C: 18! M: NU, ai picat! Bla.. Bla.. ajunge la ultimul (unu' mic.. prapadit) M: Baa, cit fac 6+6? C: 12! M: Bravo ba, cum ti-ai dat seama? C: Am scazut 4 din 100 If the enemy is in range, so are you. Incoming fire has the right of way. Don't look conspicuous, it draws fire. There is always a way. The easy way is always mined. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: a. when you're ready for them. b. when you're not ready for them. Teamwork is essential, it gives them someone else to shoot at. The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack. If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush. Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you. Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing. Make it tough enough for the enemy to get in and you won't be able to get out. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself. If you're short of everything but the enemy, you're in a combat zone. When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy. Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder. Friendly fire isn't. If the sergeant can see you, so can the enemy. Remember, a retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping. If at first you don't succeed call in an air-strike. Exceptions prove the rule, and destroy the battle plan. The enemy never watches until you make a mistake. One enemy soldier is never enough, but two is entirely too many. The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to be repaired. Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. No matter which way you have to march, its always uphill. The one item you need is always in short supply. Airstrikes always overshoot the target, artillery always falls short. When you have sufficient supplies & ammo, the enemy takes 2 weeks to

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attack. When you are low on supplies & ammo the enemy decides to attack that night. Suppressive fires - won't. If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid. When in doubt empty the magazine. No plan survives the first contact, intact. If you are forward of your position, the artillery will fall short. The important things are always simple. The simple things are always hard. Beer Math -> 2 beers time 37 men equals 49 cases. Body count math -> 3 guerrillas plus 1 probable plus 2 pigs equals 37 enemies killed in action. Tracers work both ways. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire. If you take more than your share of objectives, you will have more than your fair share to take. When both sides are convinced they are about to lose, they're both right.

> :-> The road to understanding is a long, hard path; I was advised to take a > :-> shortcut > > Era pe timpul lui Ceausescu si trebuia la o fabrica sa de-a > afara persunal. > Incepe directorul : - Eu ar trebui sa plec ca sunt cel mai Mare in grad! > dar ce-ar zice tovarasul X prietenul meu bun de familie > cand aude ca voi fi dat afara ? > Personalul : - Asa e nu poate sa plece don'n director ! > Inginerul sef : - Avand in vedere ca eu sunt al doilea in grad dupa > director eu trebe sa plec acasa dar ce-ar spune tovarasul Y > care e mai sus ca tovarasul X ? > Personalul : - Asa e nu puteti sa plecat dom'n inginer sef ! > Si asa mai departe pana vine randul lui Ne'a Vasile portarul > Personalul : - Ne'a Vasile ne pare rau pentru dv. dar trebe sa > parasiti intreprinderea ! > Ne'a Vasile: - Mai baeti eu mai am o luna pana la pensie ! > De ce nu ma mai tineti si pe mine o luna si dupa aceea > scapati pentru todeauna de mine ! > Personalul : - Bine Ne-a Vasile ! Cum spui dumneata ! > Peste o saptamana trece Ceausescu pe la fabrica ! > I - se explica cum functioneaza masinile (nu intelege) dar > deodata il vede pe Ne'a Vasile ! > Ceausescu : Ne'a Vasile ce mai faci mai sti cand jucam noi fotbal > in bocanci facuti de tata ! > Ne'a Vasile : - Da ! Tu ce mai faci Nicule ? Tot cu Leana o mai > freci ? > Ceausescu : Da! Ce pot sa fac ! Fii atent aici ne-a Vasile uite aici > 9 nr. de telefon daca ai vre-o problema suna la orice ora ! > Ne-a Vasile : Multumesc dar nu e nevoie ! > Ceausescu pleaca. > Directorul : Vasile il cunosti pe Ceausescu ? > Vasile : Binenteles de cand erem copil ! > Directorul : Pai de ce nu ai spus . Ute te trimit l o scoala de maistri > sa inveti mai mult ! > Acolo la scoala de maistri vine Elena Ceauseascu in inspectie > I se explica cum functioneaza maisinile (nu intelege) dar > deodata il Vede pe Vasile ! > Elena : Vasilee ! ce mai faci omule ! > Vasile: Bine Lean-ope aici si eu !

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Elena : Mai sti cand ne pupam noi in tufisuri! Vasile: Mai stiu cu sa uit asa ceva ! Tot cu Nicu o mai freci ? Elena : Tot cu el doar e un om bun nu ? Fii atent aici daca ai vreo problema ia aici 20 de nr de telefon daca se iveste ceva suna ! Vasile: Multumesc dar nu e nevoie ! Directorul de acolo ramane masca ! Directorul : De ce n-ai spus ne-a Vasile ca o cunosti pe Elena Ceausesu Vasile : Eu cunosc pe toata lumea ! Directorul : Si pe Papa de la Roma ? Vasile : Da ! Directorul : Daca il cunosti pe Papa eu ta avansez in grad pana la inginer sef si o sa lucrezi toata viata ! Vasile : Bine baieti ! Se duc la Vatican cu elicopterul ! Vasile : Uite baieti cum faceti pe mine ma stiu baieti de la paza dar pe voi nu asa ca intru si o sa apar cu Papa pe terasa aia ! Personalul : Ok Vasile ! Peste o jumatate de ora apare si ne-a vasile cu Papa pe terasa . Personalul nu il stia cum arata papa asa ca a intrebat un catolic inrait din australia ! Personalul: Ia zii domne ala de la balcon e Papa ? Australianul : Nu pre-a vad bine pana acolo dar ala de langa el e sigu NE-A VASILE !!!! Era Ceausescu la Neptun ! Se scoal intr-o dimineata mai devreme iese pe terasa cu privaliste la mare si spune. -- Buna-dimineata Soare ! -- Sa traiti Tovarase Ceausescu ! Vazand asta ii spune lui Leana ce i s-a intamplat ! A doua zi dimineata se scoala impreuna cu Leana , Ies pe terasa si -- Buna-dimineata Soare ! -- Sa traiti Tovarase Ceausescu dar eu nu sunt Soare eu sunt Popescu Soare a fost ieri de garda ! Faza live. Trec prin centru si vad o vitrina pe care scria: C R O I T O R I E stopam artistic > > > > > > > > A Blond, a brunette and a red head are in the waiting room at the OBGYN's office. All three are getting ready to have babies and the brunette says to the other 2, "I'm going to have a girl." "how do you know?" asked the others. "Because I was on top" she replied. "Well then" said the red head, "I'm going to have a boy because I was on the bottom." Suddenly the Blonde starts crying hysterically and the other two ask her "what's wrong?" She cries out in terror "I'm going to have puppies!!!"

Anunt matrimonial la Info TV: "Tanar xx ani, prezentabil, serios, romantic, raspund la telefon. Tel....". :-

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Ati vazut aseara, la campania electoarala, pe TVR1, zice la un moment dat Vadim -> candidat la Presedentie (citind de pe hartiile lui): "M-a intrebat un taran acum vreo 3 ani de ce nu candidez la suprema functie in stat. Iar eu i-am raspuns, sincer, ca inca n-a ajuns Romania atat de prost incat sa o conduc eu... Dar acum a sosit momentul......etc" Cica un soricel statea linga piciorul unui elefant. Elefantul se uita in jos la el si spune: - Mai, dar mica vietate mai esti, mai soricelule! La care soricelul, sfios: - Da, dar vezi tu ca eu am mai fost si bolnav... Un calator in receptia unui hotel se pregatea sa semneze in registru pentru camera inchiriata, cind vede o plosnita plimbindu-se pe foaia registrului: - Dom'le, asta-i prea de tot. Am mai vazut eu plosnite, da' chiar asa, sa vin sa vada in ce camera te-ai cazat... Cica o cioara survola un teritoriu cu o cale ferata si la un moment dat isi vede o seamana zdrobita de un accelerat. Cioara se uita indignata si zice: - E ce sa zic, Ana Karenina! *** Ce semnificatie are urmatoarea afirmatie: Alexandru Mironov a teleportat niste strugulani pe Calea Gatleni? Astept sugestii... *** Se intoarce Bula de la scoala: - Mama, copiii imi zic ca sunt vampir! - Lasa, Bula, ca copiii sunt rai, nu ai de ce sa-ti faci probleme. Acum treci la masa ca ti se coaguleaza supa! *** Se intoarce Bula de la scoala: - Mama, copiii imi zic ca am capu' mare! - Lasa, Bula, lasa. Acum ia-ti sapca si du-te in piata sa cumperi 5 kg de cartofi! 1) Gheorge Funar, in masina cu soferul: Soferul: Domnule Funar am calcat o pisica ! Funar: Da-i inainte ! S: Domnule Funar am calcat un caine ! F: Da-i inainte ! S: Domnule Funar, am calcat un ungur ! F: Opreste masina si da-i inainte, da-i inapoi, da-i inainte, da-i inapoi, .... Q: Cum asezi 4 blonde pe un scaun? A: Intorci scaunul invers! Q: Ce face o blonda dimineata in loc sa aprinda lumina? A: Deschide portiera! Q: Ce zice o blonda cand atinge momentul orgasmului? A: "NEXT PLEASE" Q: Ce se intampla daca scoti creierul unei blonde?

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A: Ii creste coeficientul de inteligenta! Q: Ce se intampla daca muti toate blondele din Polonia in Bulgaria? A: Creste coeficientul de inteligenta al ambelor tari! Q: Cum iti dai seama ca o blonda nu e virgina? A: Creioanele sunt lipicioase! Q: Cum iti dai seama ca o blonda este virgina? A: Foloseste Pampers! Q: De ce se spune ca blondele n-au simtul masurii? A: Pentru ca li se spune ca atata ("...........") inseamna 20 cm. Subj. "FEMEI IN GENERAL" Q: Ce zice o musca in capul unei fete? A: "SPACE THE FINAL FRONTIEER" Q: Ce pateste un evreu care merge cu pula sculata catre un zid? A: I-si rupe nasul! Subj. "BANC SEC" Doi copii numarau o bila. Q: Se poate lua SIDA de pe capacul de la W.C.? A: Da, daca cel de dinainte nu s-a ridicat inca. The Toilet-Chain Letter Dear Sir or Madam; This letter is being sent to you, for we know that you are critically interested in your lawn. The Spring season is almost upon us, so I would like to tell you about our little club. This is a fertilizer club and it will not cost you a cent to join. Upon reciept of this letter, go to the address at the top of the list below and shit on the front lawn. You will not be the only one there, so don't be a bit embarrassed. After having done that, make five copies of this letter and send them to five of your friends who appreciate good lawns. You will not get any money or checks, but within just one week, if this chain is not broken, there will be 9.126 people shitting on your front lawn. Your reward will come next Spring when you will have the greenest lawn in the neighborhood. Mr. Harry Butt 236 Corn Cob Alley Wipeout, Wis. Mrs. Windy Ayers 1422 Enema Dr. Freely, Tx. Mr. & Mrs. Took a Fissik 724 Running Loose Ln. Cuttoff, Conn. Mr. Smelly B. Hind 476 Diarrhea Way Airhoot, Ok.

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Mr. P.U. Sniffer #2 Suppository Ln. Whistle Britches, Pa.

Mr. Howie Farts 286 Fertilizer Way Sniffensmell, Ok.

DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN!! One man didn't give a shit and lost his entire lawn. If you are constipated, pass this on to a neighbor. Sincerely, Mr. B.M. Blaster Adultery, n: Putting yourself in someone else's position. Afternoon, n: That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the morning. Ambition, n: An ant crawling up an elephant's leg with rape on his mind. Antonym, n: The opposite of the word you're trying to think of. Anxiety, n: The first time you can't do it a second time. Panic, n: The second time you can't do it the first time. Automobile, n: A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down pedestrians. Bagbiter: 1. n: Equipment or program that fails, usually intermittently. 2. adj: Failing hardware or software. "This bagbiting system won't let me get out of spacewar." Usage: verges on obscenity. Grammatically separable; one may speak of "biting the bag". Synonyms: Loser, Losing, Cretinous, Bletcherous, Barfucious, Chomper, Chomping. Basic, n: A programming language. Related to certain social diseases in that those who have it will not admit it in polite company. C, n: A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more like assembly except that it isn't very much like either one, or anything else. It is either the best language available to the art today, or it isn't. -- Ray Simard Chemicals, n: Noxious substances from which modern foods are made. Christ, proper n: A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time.

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Christian, n: One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin. Cigarette, n: A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco in between. Coitus interruptus, n: A jerky movement following the words (by either sex partner) "I want to have your child." Cold, adj: When your dog sticks to the fire hydrant. Confusion, n: Father's Day in San Francisco. Conservative, n: One who admires radicals centuries after they're dead. -- Leo C. Rosten Critic, n: A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries to please him. Cynic, n: A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision. Cynic, n: One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced eye. Dawn, n: The time when men of reason go to bed. Death wish, n: The only wish that always comes true, whether or not one wishes it to. Deliberation, n: The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is buttered on. Die, v: To stop sinning suddenly. -- Elbert Hubbard Distress, n: A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend. Dyke, n: A woman who kick-starts her vibrator. Egotist, n: A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me. Erogenous zone, n:

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The skin you touch to love. Dan Armano tel 250-4220 Bucharest / Romania no email adress due to geocities problems -!- Blue Wave/DOS v2.30 ! Origin: IMPERIUM: Digital Reich BBS, 40.1.636.6580 Non/Stop! (2:530/300) Area: Fun & Jokes Msg#: 991 Local Date: 31 Oct 96 15:21:10 From: Dan Armano Read: Yes Replied: No To: All Mark: Subj: Definitions 2/3 Etymology, n: Some early etymological scholars come up with derivations that were hard for the public to believe. The term 'etymology' was formed - from the Latin 'etus' ("eaten"), the root 'mal' ("bad"), and 'logy' ("study of"). It meant "the study of things that are hard to swallow." -- Mike Kellen, Oakdale, Minnesota Fairy tale, n: A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers. Female, n: Life support system for a pussy. Forgetfulness, n: A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their destitution of conscience. Fornication, n: Term used by people who don't have anybody to screw with. Great Lover, n: A man who can breathe through his ears. Hangover, n: The burden of proof. Hangover, n: The wrath of grapes. Happiness, n: An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another. Heavy, adj: Seduced by the chocolate side of the Force. Hermit, n: A man who'd rather get off by himself. Honor, n: Almost as good as in 'er. Horny, adj: When your cock gets hard if the wind blows.

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Hypocrite, n: A man who says he likes cats, but won't eat pussy. Idiot, n: A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling. Immortality, n: A fate worse than death. Incest, n: Relatively boring. Incest, n: Sibling revelry; a sport the whole family can enjoy. Incumbent, n: Person of liveliest interest to the outcumbents. Infatuation, n: When you're in love, there's a lump in your throat. When you're infatuated, there's a lump in your pants. Ingrate, n: A man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of indigestion. Ink, n: A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, and water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote intellectual crime. Interpreter, n: One who enables two persons of different languages to understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said. Justice, n: A decision in your favor. Kleptomaniac, n: A rich thief. Knowledge, n: Things you believe. Labia majora, n: The curly gates. Labor, n: One of the processes by which A acquires property for B. Lie, n: A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one discovered to date. Life, n: A sexually transmitted disease which afflicts some people more severely than others. Machine-independent, adj:

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Does not run on any existing machine. Macho, n or adj: Jogging home from a vasectomy. Majority, n: That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law. Manual, n: A unit of documentation. There are always three or more on a given item. One is on the shelf; someone has the others. The information you need in in the others. -- Ray Simard Marriage, n: The evil aye. Meeting, n: An assembly of people coming together to decide what person or department not represented in the room must solve a problem. Millihelen, n: Beauty enough to launch one Greek warship. Navel, n: A place to stash your gum on the way down. Necrophilia, n: Dead boring. Necrophilia, n: Dropping in for a cold one. Nothing, n: A man with an erection who walks into a wall and breaks his nose. Ocean, n: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man -- who has no gills. Oral sex, n: The taste of things to come. Pascal, n: A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it. Penis envy, n: The desire to be pink and wrinkled and about four inches long. Portable, adj: Survives system reboot. Quality Control, n: The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off a production line to make sure that at least one out of 100 works. QWERT (kwirt), n. [MW < OW qwertyuiop, a thirteenth]: 1. a unit of weight equal to 13 poiuyt avoirdupois (or 1.69 kiloliks), commonly used in structural engineering;

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2. 3. 4. --

[colloq.] one thirteenth the load that a fully grown sligo can carry; [anat.] a painful irritation of the dermis in the region of the anus; [slang] person who excites in others the symptoms of a qwert. Webster's Middle World Dictionary, 4th ed.

Sadism, n: A sadist refusing to whip a masochist. Spouse, n: Someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single. Sweater, n: A garment worn by a child when its mother feels chilly. Tact, n: The unsaid part of what you're thinking. Taxes, n: Of life's two certainties, the only one for which you can get an extension. Transfer, n: A promotion you receive on the condition that you leave town. Unfair competition, n: Selling cheaper than we do. Universe, n: The problem. User, n: A programmer who will believe anything you tell him. Virgin, n: Waste. Virtue is its own punishment. Wet dream, n: Overnight sensation. A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not to personal. Accompanied by his sweethearts younger sister, he went to Nordstrom's and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the content, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note: "I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out on the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove." "These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart."

> "I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other > hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. > When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as > they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times > I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on > Friday night... > > All my love. > > Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you? > A: Tell her she's pregnant. > > Q: What will she ask you? > A: "Is it mine?" > > Q: A blond going to London on a plane, how can you steal > her window seat? > A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are > all in the middle row. > > Q: WHY ARE BLONDES SO EASY TO GET INTO BED? > A: Who cares? > > > Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN A BLONDE THROWS A PIN AT YOU? > A: Run like Hell....she's got a hand grenade in her mouth. > > Q: Why do blondes get confused in the ladies room? > A: They have to pull their own pants down. > > Q: What do blondes do for foreplay? > A: Remove their underwear. > > Q: What do blonde virgins eat? > A: Baby food. > > Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on > Saturday? > A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday. > > Q: WHAT IS 68 TO A BLONDE? > A: Where she goes down on you and you owe her one. > > Q: Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange > juice can for 2 hours? > A: Because it said 'concentrate'. > > Q: Why did the blonde with a big pussy douche with crest? > A: She heard that it reduces cavities. > > > Q: WHY DID THE BLONDE BAKE A CHICKEN FOR 3 AND A HALF DAYS? > A: It said cook it for half an hour per pound, and she weighed 125. > > Q: WHY DID THE BLONDE PUT HER FINGER OVER THE NAIL WHEN SHE WAS HAMMERI NG? > A: The noise gave her a headache. > > Q: WHY DID THE BLONDE HAVE BLISTERS ON HER LIPS? > A: From trying to blow out lightbulbs.

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Q: A: Q: A: Q: A: Q: A: Q: A: Q: A: Q: A: Q: A1: A2: Q: A: Q:

WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BLONDES AND TRAFFIC SIGNS? Some traffic signs say stop. WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BLONDE AND A LIGHTBULB? The lightbulb is smarter, but the blonde is easier to turn on. WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BLONDE AND A BITCH? A blonde will fuck anyone, a bitch will fuck anyone but you. WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BLONDE AND A SHOPPING CART? The shopping cart has a mind of its own. What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board? It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board. What is foreplay for a blonde? Thirty minutes of begging. What's the difference between a blonde and a broom closet? Only two men fit inside a broom closet at once. What's the difference between a blonde and a phone booth? You need a quarter to use the phone. Only one person can use the phone at once. What does the Bermuda Triangle and blondes have in common? They've both swallowed a lot of semen.

What did the really dumb blond say when someone blew in her bra? A: Thanks for the refill. Q: What did the blonde say when she knocked over the priceless Ming vase? A "It's OK Daddy, I'm not hurt." Q: How does the blond turn on the light after she has had sex? A: She opens the car door. Q: A1: A2: A3: A4: A5: A6: A7: Q: A: Q: A: Q: A1: A2: How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm? She drops her nail-file! Who cares? She says, "Next". The next person in the queue taps you on the shoulder. He's had his clothes for about 2 minutes. I mean, who really cares? The batteries have run out. How do you make a blonde's eyes light up? Shine a flashlight in their ear. How does a blonde like her eggs? Unfertilized. How do you drown a blond? Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool. Don't tell her to swallow.

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Q:

How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots? A: Flattered. Q: A: Q: A: Q: What is the best blonde secretary in the world to have? One that never misses a period. WHAT DID THE BLONDE THINK OF THE NEW COMPUTER? She didn't like it because she couldn't get MTV.

What did the blonde say when she was showed her newborn baby in the delivery room? A: I'm not going to suck anything *that* small. Q: A: Q: A1: A2: Q: A: Q: What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common? You keep hearing about them, but never see any. What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer? I don't know, there are some things even a blonde won't do. Something that when it gives you a blow job, it won't stop until it gets blood. Why was the blonde wearing her sunglasses? She was having sunny periods.

What's six inches long, has a bald head, and drives blondes crazy? A: A hundred dollar bill. Q: A: Q: A: Q: A: Q: A: Q: A: Q: A: Q: A: Q: A: Q: A: Q: How does a blonde interpret 6.9? A 69 interrupted by a period. How do you describe the perfect blonde? 3 feet tall, no teeth, and a flat head to rest your beer on. How do you confuse a blonde? You don't. They're born that way. Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory? For throwing out the W's. How can you tell a blonde had a bad day? Her tampon is behind her ear and she doesn't know what she did with her cigarette. What does a blonde say after multiple orgasms? Way to go team! How do you keep a blonde in suspense? (I'll tell you tomorrow.) How do you keep a blonde busy? Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper. Why do blondes have vaginas? So guys will talk to them at parties.

Why does the blonde stand in front of a window during a thunder storm? A: She loves taking pictures (flashes, got it?).

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What do you call a blonde with a runny nose? Full. What does a blonde answer to the question "Are you sexually active?" "No, I just lie there." What's the first thing a blonde says in the morning? "Thanks, guys..."

What does "Bones" McCoy say before he performs brain surgery on a blonde? A: "Space. The final frontier......" Q: A: Q: A: Q: A: Q: A: Q: A: Q: A: Q: A: Q: What do you call a brunette and three blondes on a corner? You don't, you see if you've got 3 condoms. What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? Her IQ goes up! Why was the blonde disappointed with her trip to England? She found out Big Ben is only a clock. Why can't blondes make ice cubes? They always forget the recipe. Why do blonde's find it difficult to marry? Because you don't have to marry them to have sex with them! Did you hear about the new epidemic among blondes? It's called MAIDS - if the don't get one, they die. Did you hear about the blonde that robbed a bank? She tied up the safe and blew the guard. DID YOU HEAR BOUT THE BLONDE WHO COULN'T WAIT TO SEE "20,000 LEAGUES

> THE SEA"? > A: She said that she loved baseball, and was surprised that there were so many > teams. > > Q: DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE BLONDE WHO STOOD IN FRONT OF A MIRROR WITH HE R EYES > CLOSED? > A: She wanted to see what she looked like asleep. > > Q: DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE NEW FORM OF BIRTH CONTROL FOR BLONDES? > A: They take off their makeup. > > Q: Why do blondes wear tight skirts? > A: To keep their legs together. > > Q: Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer? > A: So she could keep the refrigerator cold. > > Q: HOW MANY BLONDES DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHTBULB? > A: Blondes screw in back seats, not in lightbulbs, silly. > > Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the number ELEVEN ?

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A: Q: A1: A2: Q: A: Q: A: Q: A: Q: A: Q: A: Q: A: Q: A: Q: A: Q: A: Q: A: Q:

She didn't know what ONE came first... Why don't blondes talk when having sex? Their mothers told them not to talk to strangers. Their mothers told them not with their mouths full. How many blondes does it take to make a circuit? Two, One to stand in the bathtub, and another to pass her the blow dryer! How is a blonde like a postage stamp? You lick'm, stick'em, and send'em on their way. How did the blonde try to kill the bird? She threw it off a cliff. How can you tell if a blonde works in an office? A bed in the stockroom and huge smiles on all the bosses' faces. How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde? There is a stamp on it. What's the difference between a blonde and a guy? The blonde has the higher sperm count. What's the difference between a blonde and a trampoline? You take off your shoes before using a trampoline. What's the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush? You don't let your best friend borrow your toothbrush. What is the difference between a blonde and a shower? A shower has to be turned on to get wet. What's the difference between a blonde and your job? Your job still sucks after 6 months.

What's the difference between a blond having her period and a terrorist? A: You can negotiate with a terrorist. Q: A: Q: A: Q: A: Q: A1: A2: A3: What is the difference between a blond and a toilet? A toilet won't follow you around after you use it. What's the difference between a blonde and a rooster? In the morning a rooster says, "Cock'll-doodl-doooo", while a blonde says, "Any-cock'll-doooo." What's the difference between a blonde and a limousine? Not everybody has been in a limo.

What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball? You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball. You can't fit the blonde in the bowling ball. There is no difference. They're both round and have three holes to poke. A4: You don't eat your bowling ball Q: What is the difference between a blonde and the Grand Old Duke of

> York? > A: The Grand Old Duke of York only 'had' 10000 men. > > Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger? > A: You can park in the handicap zone. > > Q: Why is a blonde like a turtle? > A: They both get fucked up when they're on their back. > > Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks? > A: It takes too long to retrain them. > > Q: Why does NASA hire peroxide blondes? > A: They're doing research on black holes. > > Q: Why does a blonde insist on him wearing a condom? > A: So she can have a doggie bag for later. > > Q: Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every > month? > A: Because it says right on it "good for up to 20 pounds." > > Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids? > A1: So they know if it is morning or afternoon. > A2: So that when they're on the train they can tell > if they're going to work or coming home. > > Q: Why do men like blonde jokes?? > A: Because they can understand them. > > Q: Why do blondes like lightning? > A: They think someone is taking their picture. > > Q: Why do blondes always drink with straws? > A: Practice. > > Q: Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces? > A: From eating with forks. > *************************************************************************** > Q: Why do blondes have two more brain cells than a cow? > A: So that when you pull their tits, they don't moo. > A2: So they don't shit everywhere when you pull their tits. > > Q: Why do blondes drive BMWs? > A: Because they can spell it. > > Q: Why do blonde girls have trouble achieving orgasm? > A: *Who cares?* > > Q: What does the postcard from a blond's vacation say? > A: Having a wonderful time. Where am I? > > Q: Why do blondes drive VW's > A: Because they can't spell PORSCHE!! > > Q: Why do Blondes take the pill? > A: So they know what day of the week it is. > > Q: But why do brunettes take the pill ? > A: Wishful Thinking.

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Q: A: Q: A: Q: A: Q: A: Q: A: Q: A: Q: A: Q: A1: A2: Q: A: Q: A: Q:

Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shoes? Toes go in first. Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shirts? Tits go in front. Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs? More leg room. Why do blonds have orgasms ? So they know when to stop having sex ! Why do blondes wear green lipstick? Because red means stop. Why do blondes wear red lipstick? Because red means "Stop, wrong hole." Why do blondes wear hoop earings? They have to have some place to rest their ankles. Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency? They can't remember the number. She can't find the number 11 on the telephone buttons. Why do blondes always die before help arrives? They always forget the "11" in "9-1-1". Why don't blondes eat bananas? They can't find the zipper.

Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts? A: Cause their balls show! Q: A: Q: A1: A2: Q: A: Q: What is the worst thing about sex with a blond? Bucket seats. How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb? "What's a lightbulb?" One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her. What is the difference between a blond and a 747? Not everyone has been in a 747

Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill. Who picks it up? A: The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde. A2: None of them, two don't exist and the dumb blonde thought it was a gum wrapper. Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first? A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions. Q: A: What's the difference between a blond and an ice cream cone? Ice cream cones don't lick back.

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Q: A: Q:

What is the difference between a blonde and "The Titanic"? They know how many men went down on "The Titanic".

What do Darren Millane (Collingwood footballer killed in a recent car crash) and a blonde have in common? A: Put either of 'em in a car and their fucked. Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts? A: Change. Q: A: Q: A: Q: A: Q: A: Q: A: Q: What does a blonde say if you blow in his/her ear? "Thanks for the refill!" What do you call a skeleton in the closet with blonde hair? Last years hide-and-seek winner. What do you call a blonde lesbian? A waste. What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel. What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells? Pregnant.

What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning? A: A visitor. Q: A: Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted!

What do you call a blonde with a dollar on the top of their head? A: All you can eat, under a buck. Q: A: Q: A: Q: A: Q: A: Q: A: Q: A: Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head? A Space Invader. What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes? The back of her head. What do you get when you cross a blonde and a gorilla? Who knows, there is only so much a gorilla can be forced to do... What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette? Artificial intelligence. What do a blonde and your computer have in common? You don't know how much either of them mean to you until they go down on you. What do you do when a blonde throes a hand grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back. What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?

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A: Q: A1: A2: Q: A: Q: A: Q: A: Q: A: Q: A: Q: A: Q: A: Q: A: Q: A: Q: A: Q: A: Q: A: Q: A: Q: A: Q: A: Q: A1: A2: Q: A: Q: A:

Her ankles. What do Blondes say after sex? Thanks Guys. Are you boys all in the same band? What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common? They're both empty from the neck up. What do a blonde and President Gorbachev have in common? They both got fucked by 10 men whilst on holiday. What's the difference between a blonde and President Gorbachev? He knows who the ten men were. What did the blonde's mum say to her before the blonde's date. If you're not in bed by 12, come home. Why did the blonde smile when she walked the marriage aisle? She realized she gave her last blowjob. Why do blondes give such good blowjobs? Because that's what they train for all their lives. Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet? So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills. Why did Because Why did Neither God create blondes? sheep can't bring beer from the fridge. God create brunettes? could the blondes.

Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears? So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides. Why did the blond take her typewriter to the doctor ?? She thought it was pregnant because it missed a period. What is the connection between a blonde and a halogen headlamp? They both get screwed on the front of a Ford Escort. Why did the blonde fail her drivers license ? She wasn't used to the front seat! Why did she finally pass her test? She took the examiner with her Did you hear about the blond skydiver? She missed the Earth! What is the irritating part around a blonde's vagina? The Blonde! The other guys waiting their turn. What did the blonde name her pet zebra? Spot. Why are blondes like cornflakes ? Because they're simple, easy and they taste good.

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Q: A: Q:

Did you hear about the blonde coyote? Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.

Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air? A: She missed. Q: A: Q: A: Q: A: Q: A: Q: Why are there no dumb brunettes? Peroxide. What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg. Nothing - they've never met. What is the blonde's chronic speech impediment? She can't say "No". What is it called when a blonde blows in another blond's ear? Data transfer.

How would a blond punctuate the following?: "Fun fun fun worry worry worry" A: Fun period fun period fun NO PERIOD worry worry worry! Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces. A: "Six, please. I/^ Q: HOW DOES A BLONDE PREPARE FOR SAFE SEX? A: She puts on rubber based lipstick. Q: A: Q: A: Q: What's a blonde's idea of safe sex? Locking the car door. Why did the blonde keep failing her driver's test? Because every time the door opened, she jumped into the back seat.

What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home? A: She moved. Q: A: Q: A: Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty? A blonde parade. Why is it okay for blondes to catch cold? They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out.

Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband's car? A: She burned her lips on the tailpipe. Q: THERE WAS A BLONDE AND A BRUNETTE WHO WERE ABOUT TO COMMIT SUICIDE. THEY BOTH JUMPED OFF A TALL BUILDING, AND A COUPLE OF SECONDS LATER, THE BRUNETTE HIT THE PAVEMENT, BUT NOT THE BLONDE. WHAT HAPPENED TO HER? A: She got lost. Q: A: A GUY ASKED HIS BLONDE WIFE "HOW DID YOU GET THE CAR IN THE LIVING R She said "I drove it through the kitchen and took a left."

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Q: A:

SOMEONE ASKED IF A BLONDE BELEIVED IN SMOKING. She said "Yes, I've seen it done."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------I told my blonde girlfriend that I was going skeet shooting. She told me she didn't know how to cook them. --------------------------------------------------------------------------Two blondes BLONDE #1: BLONDE #2: BLONDE #1: are in a dark theatre: "Hey, the guy next to me is jerking off!" "Just ignore him." "I can't. He's using my hand."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------This blonde and her boyfriend were sitting in a hot tub when the blonde said to her boyfriend, "Is it true that if you pull your finger out, I'll sink?" --------------------------------------------------------------------------A dumb Blonde died and went to Heaven. When she got to the Pearly Gates, she met Saint Peter who said, "Before you get to come into Heaven, you have to pass a test." "Oh, No!" she said but Saint Peter said not to worry he'd make it easy. "Who was God's son?" said Saint Peter. The dumb Blonde thought for a few minutes and said "Andy!" "That's interesting... What made you say that?" said Saint Peter Then She started to sing "Andy walks with me! Andy talks with me! Andy tells me..." --------------------------------------------------------------------------Did you hear about the blonde that went to library and checked out a book called "How to Hug"? Got back to the dorm and found out it was volume seven of the encyclopaedia... --------------------------------------------------------------------------A blonde's response to the comment, "THINK about it!": "I don't have to think -- I'm blonde!" --------------------------------------------------------------------------A blonde walked into a hardware store, picked up the hinges she/p^^DO^^ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@----------BLONDE #1: "Have you ever read Shakespeare?" BLONDE #2: "No, who wrote it?" --------------------------------------------------------------------------Did you hear about the blonde mom who kept an icepack on her chest to keep the milk fresh? --------------------------------------------------------------------------A government study has shown that blondes do have more fun - they

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just don't remember who with. --------------------------------------------------------------------------... then there was the blonde who started the restaurant with the slogan "Billions Served - just today" --------------------------------------------------------------------------Did you hear about the blonde bride that was so horny she carried a bouquet of batteries? --------------------------------------------------------------------------What about the blonde who gave birth to twins? Her husband is out looking for the other man. -------------------------------------------------------------------------A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "GREEN SIDE UP!" In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?" "I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street. -------------------------------------------------------------------------Did you hear about the blonde who: had more on her body than on her mind? was called "Sanka" because she had no active ingredient in the bean? took an hour to cook Minute Rice? got into the taxi, and the driver kept the "Vacant" sign up? was an M.D. - Mentally Deficient? had a terrific stairway, but nothing upstairs? thought nitrates were cheaper than day rates? was told she was a silly puss, but insisted she didn't have a crazy cat? after watching the ballerinas, wondered why they didn't get taller girls? went to a nudist camp for a game of strip poker? brought her cosmetics with her for a make-up exam? thought Moby Dick was a venereal disease? thought that a sanitary belt was a shot from a clean whiskey glass? thought that intercourse was a state highway? ---------------------------------------------------------------------------BLONDE #1: "It's embarassing, but every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm." BLONDE #2: "Gee, what are you taking for it?" BLONDE #1: "Snuff." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------BLONDE: "Excuse me sir, what time is it?"

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MAN: "It's 3:15." BLONDE: (puzzled look on her face) "You know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------MALE SECRETARY: "Feel free to use my dictaphone." NEW BLONDE EMPLOYEE: "No thanks, I'll just use my finger like everyone else." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger: Blonde#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked! Blonde#2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain and the top is down! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the bartender: Brunette: "I'll have a B and C." Bartender:"What is a B and C?". Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke." Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T." Bartender: "What's a G and T?" Redhead: "Gin and tonic." Blonde: "I'll have a 15." Bartender: "What's a 15?" Blonde: "7 and 7" ------------------------------------------------------------------------Two brunettes and a blonde are in the hospital awaiting the arrival of their first children. The 1st brunette says, "I just know I'm going to have a girl, 'cuz I conceived while I was on my back". The 2nd brunette says, "Mine's going to be a boy, 'cuz I was on top during conception". The blonde says, "Uh-oh! I'm going to have a puppy!" There were three women who were at the gynecologist having pre-natal checkups. The doctor asked the first woman "in what position was the baby conceived ?" "He was on top ", she replied. "You will have a boy !" the doctor exclaimed. The second woman was asked the same question. "I was on top ", was the reply. "you will have a baby girl. " said the doctor. With this, the third women, a blond, burst into tears. "Whats the matter ?" asked the doc. "Am I going to have puppies ?".....

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--------------------------------------------------------------------------Blondes... They take a lickin', and keep on... Lickin! --------------------------------------------------------------------------Did you hear the one about the blonde who thought that "love handles" referred to her ears? --------------------------------------------------------------------------A blonde goes into a bar. The bartender asks her what she would like, and she replies, "Bring me a beer." The bartender then asks, "Anheuser-Busch?" To which she replies, "Fine thanks, and how's your cock?" --------------------------------------------------------------------------Over the weekend I(can't remember name - on newsgrazer) heard a blonde telling this joke: * *Blonde Asks: What do you call a blonde in between two brunettes? *Blonde Answers: An interprolater! * *We were laughing so hard we thought we were going to die. The funny *part was that she thought we were laughing at her joke. -------------------------------------------------------------------------Did you here about the blonde that stayed up all night to see where the sun went ? It finally dawned on here. -------------------------------------------------------------------------DOCTOR (Taking up his stethoscope): "Big breaths." ADOLESCENT BLONDE: "Yeth, and I'm not even thixteen." -------------------------------------------------------------------------A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a minute, she said to herself "oh well !" and turned around an drove home. On her way home the same blonde drove past another sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES". By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms. -------------------------------------------------------------------------How about the suicide blonde, she dyed by her own hand. ------------------------------------------------------------------------A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette says suddenly, "Awww, look at the dead birdie". The

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blonde stops, looks up, and says, "Where?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------A man comes home from work one night to catch his blonde girlfriend sliding down the banister, naked. He blurts out, "What do you think you're doing!?" "Just heating up dinner," she replies. -------------------------------------------------------------------------A man and his blonde girlfriend were fooling around when the blonde asked, "Would you mind taking off your ring? It's hurting me." "Ring, nothing." he quipped, "That's my wristwatch." -------------------------------------------------------------------------A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street. Cop: Do you know where you were going? Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the people were leaving. -------------------------------------------------------------------------A cop stops a blonde woman who was driving down a motorway. "Miss, may I see your driver's licence please?" "Driver's licence? What's that?..." "It's a little card with your picture on it." "Oh, duh! Here it is..." "May I have your car insurance?" "What's that?..." "It's a document that says you are allowed to drive the car." "Oh this? Duh! Here you go..." The cop then takes his dick out of his pants, while the blonde exclaims:"Oh no, not another breathalyzer test!" -----------------------------------------------------------------------Hubby: As a start I think you should learn to "iron", then we could do without the ironing lady. Blonde Wife: Well, if you would learn to fuck me properly we could do without the gardener. -----------------------------------------------------------------------A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends: Brunette: Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row! Blonde: That's nothing; last night I had over a hundred. Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good. Blonde: ( looking shocked ) Oh, you mean with one guy. ------------------------------------------------------------------------Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911: Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb. Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?

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Blonde: Yes. Operator: The power in the house in on? Blonde: Of course. Operator: And the switch is on? Blonde: Yes, yes. Operator: And the bulb still won't light up? Blonde: No, it's working fine. Operator: Then what's the problem? Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and hurt ourselves. -----------------------------------------------------------------------There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned. The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it. I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned. So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, 15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back. -----------------------------------------------------------------------Teller: Blonde: Teller: Blonde: Why did the blonde move to L.A.? I don't know. Why? It was easier to spell. Easier than what?

-----------------------------------------------------------------------Two blondes were walking through the woods when one looked down and said "Oh, look at the deer tracks." The other blonde looks and says "Those arn't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks." "No. Those are deer tracks." They keep arguing, and arguing, and one half hour later they were both killed by a train. -----------------------------------------------------------------------The blonde came running downstairs, crying. Her mother asked what was wrong and the blonde said her boyfriend had just dropped her. Her mother (a blonde) nodded wisely and proceeded to tell her about the birds and the bees and the blonde said: "No ma. I can fuck and suck with the best of them. But he says I can't cook" -----------------------------------------------------------------------A blonde was telling a priest a Pollock joke, when halfway through the priest interrupts her, "Don't you know I'm Polish?"

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"Oh, I'm sorry," the blonde apologizes, "do you want me to start over and talk slower?" -----------------------------------------------------------------------Three blondes were walking through the desert when found a magic genie's lamp t he said, "I will grant three wishes, one for each of you." The first said, "I wish I were smarter". So she became a redhead. The second blonde said "I wish I were smarter than her." She became a brunette. The third blond said "I wish I were smarter than both of them." So she became a man. -----------------------------------------------------------------------Confucious say: blonde who fly upside down have crack up. ----------------------------------------------------------------------At a carwash in Burbank, there were two identical Hondas coming out at the same time. A beautiful blond woman jumps into one and takes off, leaving its owner rather perplexed. About three minutes later, she reappears at the car wash yelling, "who ripped off my car phone!" -----------------------------------------------------------------------Last night I went home to my blonde girlfriend, and told her I was going to screw her brains out. Then I realized I was too late. -----------------------------------------------------------------------A blonde is suffering froma sore throat so she goes to see the doctor. She explains the problem to theO^^

^A^^D^^C^O^^D > "the chair's fitted with arms." > > ------------------------------------------------------------------------> > A blonde friend of mine was looking for some transportation, so I bought > her a Woody. I called her up later and asked how she like it. She told > me it was OK, but that it didn't look so good once she had taken it out > of the crate. > > -------------------------------------------------------------------------> > A blonde goes into the drug store to buy some rubbers (so she can > practice safe sex). She walks up to the pharmicist and asks "How > much for a box of rubbers?" > "They're $1 for a box of 3," he replied, "Plus 6 cents for the tax." > "Oh," said the blonde, "I wondered how they kept them on." > > -------------------------------------------------------------------------> > Another blonde, another store. She goes over to the deodorant display > and tells the clerk "I need to buy some deodorant for my husband." > "Does he use the ball kind?" enquired the clerk. > "No," replied the blonde, "The kind for under his arms." > > How is a blonde like a....... > > Hairdryer? Turn her on and she starts to blow. > Vaccum Cleaner? Turn her on and she starts to suck. > Light Switch? Even a six year old can turn her on. > > ------------------------------------------------------------------------------> > Person 1: What's the difference between a blonde and garbage? > Person 2: Garbage gets taken out at least once a week. > Person 1: Wrong. You tie the garbage up before you take it out. > > ------------------------------------------------------------------------> > Did you hear what the blonde who was opening a new bar said when her > lawyer explained to her that she needed a liquor license? > > "Oh, it's not gonna be THAT kind of a bar. That's disgusting!" > > ----------------------------------------------------------------------------> > There was a blonde driving down the road listening to the radio. > The announcer was telling blonde joke after blonde joke until the blonde > was mad enough she turned her radio off. A mile down the road, she saw > another blonde out in a corn field in a boat rowing. The blonde stopped > her car jumped out and yelled, "You bimbo, it's blondes like you that > give us all a bad name. If I could swim I'd come out there and give you > what's coming to you!" > > ----------------------------------------------------------------------------> A dumb blonde was bragging about her knowledge of the state > capitals (or for Bill Clinton capitols). She proudly said," go ahead, > ask me, I know all of them." > A red head said, "O.K., what's the capital of Wisconsin?"

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The blonde replied, "Oh, that's easy, 'W'." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------A blonde was walking along, when she looked up to observe a bird flying overhead. Suddenly, the bird drops a load when it was directly over her. The blonde says, "Good thing I had my mouth open, or that would've hit me right in the face!!!" Or: "Good thing that cows don't fly. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------Great Pick-Up lines to use on Blondes 1) 2) 3) 4) 5) 6) That dress would look awfully nice on the floor next to my bed. Do you want to see something swell? What do you like for breakfast? Do you want to fuck or should I apologize? Say, didnt we go to different schools together? Why dont you come over here, sit on my lap, and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up. 7) Sit on my lap and we'll get things straight between us. 8) Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money? 9) Would you like Gin and platonic, or do you prefer Scotch and sofa? 10) You smell wet. Lets party! 11) If I told you that you have a nice body, would you hold it against me? 12) Didn't anyone tell you that you wanted to sleep with me? I thought you knew! 13) You have the ass of a great artist. ___________________________________________________________________ Worst Pick-Up lines to use, even on a Blonde 1) I just threw up! 2) You look just like a hooker I know in Detroit. 3) Miss, if you've lost your virginity, can I have the package it came in? 4) Hey baby! You look like you could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch. 5) I've had quite a bit to drink, and your beginning to look pretty good. 6) Hello Susie! Your mom couldn't make it this afternoon so she asked me to pick you up. My what a pretty dress! 7) Your face or mine? 8) Nice dress, could I talk you out of it? 9) I want to floss with your pubic hair. 10) I'd look good on you. 11) Excuse me. Have I fucked you yet? 12) Somebody farted! Lets get out of here. --------------------------------------------------------------------A man walks into a bar, with a huge alligator on a leash. He walks over to the bar, and orders a beer. The bartender says "Sorry sir. You can't

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bring that alligator in here! It's a dangerous animal, and you're scaring all of the patrons! True enough, the man looked around, and noticed that everyone was standing on the tables, looking very nervous. "But wait!" he cried, "this alligator is tame! It wouldn't hurt anyone!". However, the bartender is adamant. "If", the man continues, "I can prove that this alligator is not vicious, can he stay?". "Well, I guess so", says the bartender, "however, you're going to have a devil of a time proving to everyone in here that that alligator is tame!" The man smiles, and leans over the alligator. "Ralph!", he shouts, "Sit up!" With that, he beats the alligator on the head with his fist "BANG BANG BANG". And the alligator rears up on its tail. "Ralph, open your mouth! BANG BANG BANG". And the alligator opened it's huge mouth wide, revealing row upon row of gleaming white teeth. The man pulls out his wang, and lays it in the alligators mouth, as the entire bar crowd gasps. "Ralph! Close your mouth, but DON'T BITE! BANG BANG BANG". As the man pummels the alligator on the head, the giant mouth slowley closes, and stops juuuussttt short of biting the guys dick off. The crowd sighs, and the man says "Ralph, open your mouth! BANG BANG BANG!" and the alligators mouth opens wide again. "There," says the man to the crowd, " now would anyone else like to try this?" A blonde in the back says "Yeah, I'll try, but only if your promise not to hit me on the head so hard". --------------------------------------------------------------------------Blonde Medical Terminology Anally -- occurring yearly Artery -- study of paintings Bacteria -- back door of cafeteria Barium -- what doctors do when treatment fails Benign -- what you be after you be eight Bowel -- letter like A.E.I.O.U Caesarian section -- district in Rome Cat scan -- searching for kitty Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her Colic -- sheep dog Coma -- a punctuation mark Congenital -- friendly D&C -- where Washington is Diarrhea -- journal of daily events Dilate -- to live long Enema -- not a friend Fester -- quicker Fibula -- a small lie Genital -- non-Jewish G.I. Series -- soldiers' ball game Grippe -- suitcase Hangnail -- coathook Impotent -- distinguished, well known Intense pain -- torture in a teepee Labour pain -- got hurt at work Medical staff -- doctor's cane Morbid -- higher offer Nitrate -- cheaper than day rate Node -- was aware of Outpatient -- person who had fainted Pap smear -- fatherhood test Pelvis -- cousin of Elvis Post operative -- letter carrier Protein -- favouring young people Rectum -- damn near killed 'em

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Recovery room -- place to do upholstery Rheumatic -- amorous Scar -- rolled tobacco leaf Secretion -- hiding anything Seizure -- Roman emperor Serology -- study of knighthood Tablet -- small tablet Terminal illness -- sickness at airport Tibia -- country in North Africa Tumour -- an extra pair Urine -- opposite of you're out Varicose -- located nearby Vein -- conceited

----------------------------------------------------------------------------I'll get a life when it is proven Troy C. Belding and substantiated to be better ST17Y@JETSON.UH.EDU than what I am currently experiencing. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: How do blonde braincells die ?<br> A: Alone.<p> Q: A: How do you brainwash a blonde?<br> Give her a douche and shake her upside down.<p>

Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?<br> A1: Blow in her ear.<br> A2: Buy her another beer.<p> Q: A: Q: A: Q: A: Q: A: Q: A: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?<br> Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear<p> How do you get a blonde pregnant?<br> Come in her shoes and let the flies do the rest.<p> How do you get a blonde to marry you?<br> Tell her she's pregnant.<p> What will she ask you?<br> "Is it mine?"<p> How does a blonde kill a fish?<br> She drowns it.<p>